(The viper -Guardin)

Rewrote chapter!!

KOUJI'S STORY

Kouji POV

3 years ago

I attempted to choke down a granola bar, hearing commotion in the next room. I chewed slowly trying to ignore any shrieking and slamming that sounded from within the room next to me. It was just a thin wall to unsuccessfully captivate any disturbing noise. The tension was unreal and the stress I felt hearing my dad and his girlfriend assault each other with words or maybe even fists again were enough to damage my mind permanently. A loud crash came from the room causing me nausea and distress.

Though my dad's girlfriend was still surprisingly around, my actual step mom had been gone; she had left awhile ago because of my father's anger issues and emotional abuse. I was jealous of her, just wishing I could leave, too. I was too condescending and apprehensive to leave, and too prideful to tell anyone or even tell my own twin these things. I don't want to admit this, but my own giant ego wouldn't allow asking for help with anyone, ever.

Now it was my dad's new girlfriend's turn to leave. I don't blame her.

I heard another loud thump coming from the bedroom. My dad stomped out the door way viciously. His voice booming with threats as he yelled at her and then suddenly turned to me. I took my chance to leave swiftly as I heard my dad's savage footsteps. I closed the door yet I still heard their voices hollering at each other through the thin front door. Bearing the intense pain in my chest I let a single tear fall as he paced out of the yard. It disgusted me that I let someone like this affect me so much. I made a promise to myself to never shed a tear over my dad's idiotic issues again. I am done. Heartless and unsympathetic; I slowly lost any sentiment.

To hell with this..

School days were a different kind of negativity I faced. I would wait at the school yard alone by the first tree and avoided any contact with anyone unless it had been Kouichi. The only person in the world I wanted to see was my brother. He's the only one that was worth my time anymore. There had always been a bond between us twins and much greater than any affiliation anyone had with someone. Kouichi wasn't just someone; he was that one. He's a comet in the darkest of my skies. He's a delicate mouse in this world of snakes. He's my reason.

As I observed my brother skipping up to me, I couldn't help but let a smile show. Kouichi had always made me feel so reassured. He made me feel like things could get better though he never voiced those words. Just being next to him burned any negative thoughts and replaced them with only good things. The connection we shared, silent oaths and unsaid promises, caused me to feel over the moon whenever I was close to my him.

I walked my twin to class closely, protecting him from any harassing kids. I can handle any torment since I deal with it irrationally and violently every day at home. I know my twin can't; he's too skittish and diplomatic.

Once he had been safe in class, I wandered behind school. My heart rate was speeding as soon as I decided to skip for the first time. Screw it, I thought. I just needed to be away from any expectations.

There had been a small group of kids hiding under the bleachers. At first, they were apprehensive and hid something. Then they deviously invited me over and I could see only two of the kids looked a bit older and maybe a grade above me. They offered me a small bottle and I took it, weary at first. I swigged it suddenly not even caring what it had been and felt my throat burn. I kind of liked it, though, feeling warm and numb.

I spent most of my days avoiding class and hanging out with the new small crowd of skippers and drinkers. I thought it was perfect; Kouichi would have no idea about them because they were never in class, anyway. The last class, I waited outside the room door for my twin, grinning as friendly as I could seeing Kouichi's innocent face. At the end of the day, I guardedly walked my brother home before trudging my way back to my own house.

As I opened the door, I saw my father at the table, his head down and grinning insanely a beer bottle. I studied my surroundings seeing empty bottles lay in front of him. Slowly, I closed the door behind me, cautiously greeting my dad. I dealt with bitterness, disassociation and misery daily. Today has no change and only turned to mostly rage as the days progressed.

My dad spoke angrily and regretfully. 'She had left for good'. Little did I know my father wouldn't hold any composure. Not anymore.

2 years ago

One day there had been a boy at school snickering in the halls as I lead Kouichi to his next class. I had already gone through another blistering argument at home and hadn't been in the mood for school shenanigans. Us twins kept close as I pushed and guided my brother away from the cackling troublemaker. Irked, I just couldn't help himself. Hearing the other boy muttering unpleasant comments infuriated me. The anger I kept hidden deeply had desired so terribly to detonate.

I had been ready to pick fights with everybody and anybody; even the school kids. The boy murmured something sarcastically, provoking me further. I stepped forward getting as close to the boys face as possible and retorted wickedly. When the boy vulgarly responded, I had shoved him. I pushed him so hard he fell the ground. Some kids in the hall stopped to watch the physicality beginning.

Kouichi watched in horror as the boy slowly stood. My scared twin pulled my arm begging me to leave.

I did, and lucky for that dumb kid, Kouichi had been there. Kouichi was the only one that could have gotten through to me at that point.

Skipping classes seemed more and more like the better decision considering fighting at school accompanied any class attending. I hung out with the kids under the bleachers, beginning to crave the taste of liquor increasingly daily. I always pondered if Kouichi could smell the liquor on my breath, but he never said anything about it. Eventually, I had picked up a tip from the bleacher boys, to carry a small bottle of mouth wash.

I walked Kouichi home, like I usually do everyday. Dismay overcame me seeing my brother strut off and close his front door. Sometimes Kouichi invited me in, but I never asked myself. Those days had been a blessing, but today wasn't one of those days. I begun my own journey home, knowing well enough I shouldn't.

As I cautiously walked through his front door, I saw a glimpse of my dad dragging his feet with a bottle in his hand. I stepped in carefully noticing multiple empty beer bottles all over the room and on the ground. I glanced at my dad but wished I hadn't locked eyes with him. I was pushed to the ground immediately; the elder was ranting about his son skipping school, getting into fights with the kids and his grades dropping. He swore other profanity that I had blocked out. I didn't want to hear him anymore.

My dad sweated profusely. His face incited with emotion and intoxication. My dad had slapped me hard, suddenly tasting iron in my mouth. 'You are a bad kid', my dad said. I knew I haven't been the best son but it was challenging enough for me to find any balance in a place like this. I had been in no way the perfect kid; stuck between uncaring and sympathizing with my own dad.

My father scolded and ranted callously at me; 'She left because of you. They both did. They all do. You made everyone leave. It's always your fault. You repelled any positivity. How could anyone want to be around you? Disgusting little faggot'.

I do that? Fuck. Was it my fault I hated everyone and loathed any social gatherings? Why did my dad make me a culprit and condemn me for only ever accompanying my twin?

I ran into my bedroom, and locked the door. I needed to get away from my dad's dangerous and cruel ranting. I glanced at my phone but couldn't bring myself to ask Kouichi for help. I just had too much pride for this.

My dad slammed and pounded the door, colliding his limbs with the only thing stopping him from swearing at my face. I slightly trembled, attempting to cover my ears from the crashing and cursing; 'Dreadful, no good and terrible excuse for a son. Get lost, get out'. That's what I heard.

The pain my dad endured from losing two significant others hasn't been the same pain he inflicted on me.

Eventually my dad's punching and kicking the door had subsided. I remembered breathing a huge sigh of relief. I had always been petrified of the door breaking and was surprised it didn't. I felt my body cease trembling, then reached for a small glass bottle half empty and hidden behind his mattress. I chugged it as though my life depended on it.

Another fifteen minutes passed as I calmed down from what happens almost daily. I held my cheek as it still stung. My stomach growled but I'm used to being hungry. The alcohol made my belly gurgle with discomfort. I drifted between being a detached ghost disconnected from reality to a vexed demon exasperated with any pressures of life. There's no in between for me.

I fell asleep in my room still wearing the same clothes I wore on a day to day basis, losing all determination to do any simple tasks such as my laundry. I had my first nightmare and it hasn't stopped ever since.

Less than 1 year ago

My emotions intensified with my father's. Everyday my dad would abuse me mentally and physically as a direct consequence to my rebellion. I would be on edge, waiting and wishing to get into another altercation at school. Yearning to force any pain I felt onto someone else. The eagerness of inflicting any damage onto anything and anyone plagued my mind. School fights luckily didn't happen often, it's actually outside of school I would get physical with people. My constant bruises, black eyes, scars and scabs showed victory. Then sometimes it was a loss.

Kouichi knew there was something wrong but could he guess my misdeeds and criminal activity? He never knew that much. Kouichi pressed for answers some days, but I always offered the same explanations and rationalizations that Kouichi was only acting out of paranoia.

I hung out with the kids under the bleachers so much I ended up feeding into my own addiction to liquor by begging for a bottle to myself. I did just this persistently and the kids thought it was invigorating seeing someone as in the dark as them. I didn't even know their names yet I saw them all too often.

I knew stealing bottles from my old man wouldn't last before he started to catch on. I drank more heavily, trying to end my nightmares of abuse. I felt at fault, but extreme rage. My dad felt rage and even wrath, too, but never guilt and the abuse never stopped. Kouichi regularly sensed trouble, but I did my best to remind him I was alright.

Kouichi saw my lip busted one day watching me walk out of my secret hell of a house and slamming the door. My brother had noticed it wasn't like that yesterday and asked about it. I told him it was just another small fight after school.

In reality it was another big fight at home.

He didn't believe me but I forced him to let it slide once again. I could see my brother had his own troubles and I spent most of my time asking him what was wrong instead of admitting my own issues. All because I had my own problems it doesn't make his any less real. I'll always put him first, always.

I have no hope in humanity anymore, does anyone really give a shit about anybody? I just know that if I care this much about someone, I'm just giving myself hope. It's enough of a reason for me. Just don't leave, Kouichi.

I stood in front of my dad one day after school; an almost empty bottle of liquor in my father's hand. My dad roared and knocked over a chair. He called me cruel names that could only severely mutilate any self esteem a person would have left. I wouldn't let myself cry at my dad's harsh words; not anymore.

"Fucking faggot!"

I didn't react to the threats spouting at this moment. He could say what he wanted, I had been beyond damaged and tarnished. I didn't want to hear what he had to say anymore. My dad was just another bothersome snakebite.

My dad slammed his fist into the wall indents became apparent. I knew my dad acted out of rage and disorientation; usually furious for semi-obvious reasons. This time it was a bit different. He was deranged his son had been anti-social and unintentionally uninterested in anyone. Every day was a different argument and today just so happened to be focused on my diffidence. My father focused on the impurities that I unknowingly held as he ranted in his drunken state.

"You little shit-"

I felt myself shoved, hitting my back hard against the table. It stung; there would definitely be a bruise. It must have been the grave face I made that edged my dad to be physical with me. I kept quiet letting my dad thrash around me. The lamp beside me fell as I tumbled back into the side table. The glass bottom of the lamp had broken into pieces with a menacing crash.

"Look what you did now!"

I kept my mouth shut knowing that every time I dared to talk back to my dad I just ended up getting hit in the mouth. I don't another busted lip; giving Kouichi the same excuse is completely unconvincing.

"You stupid-"

My father cursed and I was unable to understand some of his drunken words. I analyzed my dad restlessly as he stumbled into the wall. He threw the bottle at the wall next to me as it shattered. I held my hands over my head trying to protect my face from projectiles and flying glass.

He cursed once again; screaming about the empty bottle being the only thing he liked left. I felt my chest pain intensify as I attempted to stand.

"You know, Kouji-" he looked disgusted as he spoke, slurring and ranting, "..look what you did now! Breaking shit. Everybody leaves because of you! Yeah.. you. It's always your fucking fault! Damn it, that fucking school is moronic for letting a little shit like you stay! Taking all my fucking money!"

My mental state had been so damaged that I sort of inwardly agreed, but I thought his reasons was humorous.

"Even your mother left because of you!"

My breathing hitched hearing about the woman Kouichi called mother. She's my mom, too, but sometimes I just don't feel like it. It was all lies that he said and yet, I felt inadequate. Who is at fault? Although I felt somewhat bitter, I kept the tears at bay. After all, I heard it too much to cry about it now. I'll be damned if I let my dad see me cry anyhow.

"I'm an idiot for sticking here with a faggot like you in this fucking hell hole!" He ranted, stepping dangerously closer to me.

My father became a viper and his words were his venom. I held my ground, gritting my teeth.

"And Kouichi?! Ha!" His father started, dangerously stepping on my mental toes, "..He's a fucking fag-"

That was it. Something clicked inside of me. The only person in this whole damned world that I remotely cared about was about to be shamed for no reason. My father may curse me; but not Kouichi.

I shouted, "..fuck you! Shi-"

I had been smacked so far I crashed into the floor once more. I familiarly tasted iron again, lip was discolored and bleeding. Intending to anger my dad, I wore a provoking smirk, totally unfazed and keeping an unrealistic and menacing composure.

"You need to learn to shut your fucking mouth!" My father hissed.

I spat blood in his direction, the anger dwelling inside of me was exploding as I dangerously toyed with my dad's emotions. My father reached back his hand to assault me again and this time I leaned forward very much daring him to do it. My dad paused, his face twisting into loathing and disgust.

SMACK

Once again, I was forced back to the floor, the broken glass from the lamp had very slightly impacted my shoulder. I spit up a bit of blood and smirked, wiping my lip.

I'm excited. This is great. I fucking hate you, dad.

"Fuck you! Do it again!" I challenged him with words, taunting him more by leaning on a side table to attempt to stand, "..asshole, do it again!"

My father started to chuckle, the alcohol showing itself through his ever changing emotions.

"Fuck it. You're almost eighteen, this shit hole is your present," he shook his head violently grabbing his car keys, "..Die here."

I began breathing again seeing the viper stomp out the front door. A deep sigh heavily escaped. I felt relieved, but my body was in severe pain. It always perplexed me but I concluded alcohol and emotions always caused chaos. I kept all of my problems hidden from the world, feeling it had been somewhat my fault people leave. I thought maybe I had been to blame all along. I knew my dad's words shouldn't penetrate so deeply but there was something inside of me that believed him. I should have been a better son but then again, screw it.

I stumbled to my bedroom attempting to find the phone I kept hidden from my dad. In his drunken stupor he probably forgot about the device. Thankfully because of that it was never broken. My blood stained hand shook violently, petitioning with myself to call Kouichi. This is probably the worst fight I've ever had with my dad, but I just can't call my twin.

Fuck.

Pride and ego possessed my head, heart and body, stopping me from doing this.

Kouichi ironically messaged me at that exact moment. He questioned if I was okay, but how did he know? Call it twin telepathy. I wouldn't allow myself to respond honestly. I would never tell him, I just didn't need to. After all, the problem had finally left.

Maybe it would be too much for my twin to handle. Kouichi is sensitive, emotional and empathic to the fullest. Honestly, this ordeal would definitely frighten him. I would probably just cause Kouichi to leave, too, just like everyone else. It pained my chest, feeling like it could very well be my fault. Unseen in the closet was a bottle I had stolen and concealed from my father. I chugged it like it would save my life again.

I haven't seen my dad since he left that day.

2 months ago

I felt a disconnection from my twin, especially as of late. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Kouichi seemed completely bothered but almost apathetic. Every day it got worse. Kouichi seemed distant and gloomy; even more than usual. I traveled with him on the way to school although I felt like I was just accompanying a ghost.

"What's wrong?" I frowned.

Am I pushing him away, too? He's leaving like everyone else, right? Why? The one person in the world I could count on.. there's no way. Kouichi is the only one left..

There's no woe is me, there's just agitation. The anger rose and I wasn't dealing well with being ignored.

"Hey," I laid my hand on my twin's shoulder, gripping firmly, "..What's wrong?"

We both stopped walking, and Kouichi faked a smile. I didn't believe it for one bit. Kouichi was so easy to see through. I could sense his uncertainty as he attempted walking again. I tightened my grip on his shoulder not wanting him to leave.

Kouichi threw my hand off of his shoulder; his face expressed exasperation. As he started to walk again I trailed slowly behind. My fists balled tightly and anger increasing with every step. I didn't wake up in the best mood and this just wasn't helping. The separation I began feeling from my own twin infuriated me. I breathed slowly in attempt to calm down. My fists dispersed and my face had fallen to slight sympathy.

"Kouichi.." I spoke with displeasure.

I watched my brother lower his head. Maybe I could get through to him, just once. I need to try.

I aimed to speak again but this time as comforting as possible, "..Kouichi-"

"I'm fine!" Kouichi snapped, cutting me off.

His voice sounded like knives threatening for silence. I could feel my rage burn like a wild fire within me. My hands rearranged back into fists, shaking with vexation.

All the years I had to endure with my maddeningly, raging dad.. all I ever wanted was a companion.. and my own twin behaved like this to me?

"Why do you treat me like I'm one of those bullies? Don't you know I give a shit? Why are you so cynical?"

And with that, Kouichi ran off. I felt extreme regret, left alone on the sidewalk. They always leave, right? Immediately I started to pace back to his house, where a bottle awaited me. This day could go to hell.

•••

My hand shook gripping a letter. It was a bill. The first bill I have ever seen. I knew there was more coming, too.

Water, electric, mortgage. It's all too much.

I had to get a job now but I hadn't even graduated school. I just dropped out, unknowingly to anyone. Not like I was going to graduate with my grades, anyway, but still, no one would hire a delinquent like me. Plus, I grew up detesting people. I had too much rage built inside for a public job. I had to devise a plan, maybe I could get away with no electricity. I could easily live in the dark, no big deal. I could keep my water bill down to a minimum by using only one minute of shower time, maybe only shower once a week. I could fill a couple cups to rinse my mouth when I brush my teeth, too.

It's just mortgage.. it's groceries.. how do I pay for this?

I pulled my phone out, knowing I had bills coming from every direction. Who could I call? What help could I expect? Thanks for the present, dad.

...Wait.

I grinned to myself, thinking of an idea. I messaged one of the boys I met from underneath the bleachers. He would know.

PRESENT

Kouichi POV

I kept silent listening to my brothers tragic but true story. I couldn't help but let abundant tears fall as Kouji admitted all the terrible things I had feared my brother could go through. Kouji sat with me in the tunnel sighing lowly as he finished. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind. It was hard to hear any of them. Kouji looked completely deadened and disheartened. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes more apparent in the moonlight. I couldn't help trembling, my brother's hidden story had effected every inch of my being. I failed as a twin, self pity rendered my sight.

I knew. Sensed.. I think.. but I didn't act.

"T-that boy.. from the bleachers.. helped you.. sell?" I muttered moving my body as close to my brother's as possible.

I'm livid at the boy that first handed the bottle to Kouji. It was probably the same boy that assisted him immorally with selling.

Why couldn't I be there to stop him? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I want Kouji to not do the stupid things I know I do.. I think that's how he feels, too.

"Yes."

I put my hand on his, itching for acknowledgment, "..Kouji.. do you.. u-use anyt-thing?"

I already know the answer.

"Sometimes," Kouji admitted and turned to hide his face of any embarrassment.

Discomfort visible, seeing his body language.

"You d-don't have to d-do that anymore!" I cried, moving on my knees and clutching his arm, "..I'm sorry.. I'm s-sorry I didn't s-see.. I'm-"

I feel like an idiot.

"Don't apologize," he shrugged, almost seeming to pacify the issues he faced, "..everyone has their own problems to deal with, you know."

"Live with me!" I begged, "..Please!"

Let me help you...

He looked at me as his face fell, "..I can't."

"Why?!"

"I have bills to pay."

I pleaded between sobs, "..we can f-figure it out later! Just s-stay with me.. at least f-for now."

Come on, let me help you...

"You're the only one that knows, Kouichi-"

"I'll keep your secret!"

Please.

"Kouichi..I've been surviving just fine-"

"Screw your pride!"

Kouji winced. I felt remorse observing his expression. What I said obviously hurt him but I needed to do something.

I'm sorry..

"P-please!" My voice wavered, "..please."

He exhaled slowly, "..maybe."

That's a start.

I couldn't help but hug him, I held on intensely, trembling. I felt him return the embrace.

I can't believe I never knew. How could I not know? Why am I so blind? Why didn't he tell me? Why was he born with stupid pride? Why was I born so imperceptive?

Questions raced nonstop in my mind.

I think.. I knew.. I mean, I felt it.. I guess I didn't want to believe it.. I mean, I just didn't know. It's just an excuse; I should have been better. I don't know what to think right now. Kouji.. you know you do so much for me.. let me do something for you now..

"Kouichi.." I felt him talk into my shoulder, "..I have to give Mom some rent money for staying."

"O-okay!" I nodded, agreeing through my tears, "..I'll get a job for you.. Just.. Stop d-doing what you're d-doing.."

I'm just a pitiful, blubbering idiot right now.

Kouji glowered. If there was any tears, he held them back sufficiently. I could tell his ego had been greatly impaired through admission, uncertainty clear to me.

"You'll stop using, r-right?"

"I'll-"

"Promise me?" I gazed into his eyes, my own feeling swollen and sore.

"Fine. I promise."