Rewrote chapter!!

(Stay down - lilxtra,sadeyes)

KOUICHI'S POV

I awoke the next morning plagued from terrible dreams repeatedly playing in my mind. Any sleep I hoped for was nonexistent. I turned my head, seeing my brother's face still seeming blissfully asleep. The events Kouji spoke of replayed in my head tirelessly. Something about hearing all those bad things I never knew about made me feel like I had failed as his twin but maybe I already did so frequently. After all, if I sensed anything, I should have went with my gut.

The clock read seven in the morning. Gently moving Kouji's arms from my stomach I smoothly and quietly sat off the bed. I rubbed my eyes, slowly walking to the kitchen where my mother had been standing. She was gazing at a piece of paper; probably another bill. She looked exhausted and ill. I could see an obvious film of sweat on her forehead.

The guilt I feel is ridiculous right now.. I should be helping her.. I should have helped Kouji, too.

"Good morning," I smiled wearily at her.

She met my smile, "..hi, honey. What are you doing up so early?"

"I couldn't sleep," I told her a half-truth.

"I can make you some chamomile," she spoke almost as a question but moved to grab the tea pot.

I shook my head, "..I'm okay."

It's going to take a lot more than tea to help me right now. I just wanted to cry but it's not like crying would do any good right now.

She walked over to me and hugged me and I returned her embrace. I frowned feeling her body temperature.

"Mother.. you're sick," I momentarily grasped at her shirt.

I just wanted her to go back to bed and get better.

"It's just a little cold," she moved me back to show her smile, attempting to raise my spirits.

I wasn't comforted; I was worried.

"Don't worry about me, I'll sleep it off," she reassured, kissing me on the forehead.

I watched helplessly as she trotted off to her room. I stood tiredly, concerned about my mother. I was also distressed about Kouji as I reminisced about last night. On the walk back home, we made a deal. I didn't want to make the bills sky rocket so I would share half my shower time with my brother. I would share meals with him so my mother wouldn't have to buy so many groceries. He swore to me he would always reply to my messages. We're going to quit these terrible, self-destructive habits we indulged mindlessly in. We'll eventually find a job but that's way later. We were letting his old house foreclose. He promised to stay with me even if we had to start sneaking him around my mother after him staying so long. I would start locking my bedroom door after a few weeks so my mother didn't notice Kouji staying constantly. I don't think she would have a problem with it but Kouji practically begged to keep this situation quiet. I would do anything to keep my twin off the streets or even living the way he did.

Even through all this, my loneliness intensified. My clinginess greatened feeling like I couldnt be alone anymore. I wanted him here with me always, maybe fear of abandonment. Though this wasn't the best way at it had happened, it still happened. I bet Kouji feels the same way.

He has to. I've got the two people I care most about in the same house, why do I feel so miserable?

Before we stepped into my yard last night, I asked if he could go back to his house today and grab anything he needed to stay here. I pondered this as he slept soundly in my room down the hall. I was feeling both wired and tired. I felt bad asking this of him; I never wanted him to go back there but I know he needed his clothes and things. I wanted to do laundry for him. I wonder when he had clean clothes last? I can only imagine him showering maybe once a week, though he didn't stink, he only fumed a musk that reminds me of campfire.

Now I know why.

An hour passed, I felt as if I would go insane listening to the clock ticking any longer. I walked back slowly through the hall, passing my mother's closed door and back to my room. Kouji had his back towards me, it seemed like he was still asleep.

I slid back into bed, carefully not to wake him, my back also turned to him. I couldn't help my mind racing at every possiblility.

My mother, Kouji.. I should have done better. I know I'm small and shy.. and weak.. and I have no self-confidence.. there are things about me I wish I could change.. all for the greater good of helping the ones I care most about. I just wish.. I wish I wasn't so..

I closed my eyes, shutting them tight. I saw events of Kouji's story replaying visually as if I was there. I felt an arm wrap around my waist and a hand rest on my arms. I could feel warm breath on the back of my neck sending shivers lightly down my spine. My eyes fluttered back open, recognizing Kouji's hand. I turned my whole body to face him, his sleepy eyes gazed at me and his face expressed concern.

"You okay?" He spoke huskily.

I don't know why, but I blushed lightly, nodding my head. He pulled me closer to him, his arm hugging me like a comforting warm blanket. I couldn't help myself so I nuzzled into his chest. I felt so comfortable.

•••

My clock read almost noon as I awoke once more. I stretched, realizing I had slept in and without a dream I'm guessing from exhaustion. Noticing Kouji hadn't been in my bed I sat up and checked my phone, seeing unread messages. Both were from Takuya.

'Hey! Any birthday plans?'

'Want a birthday bottle later?'

That's right.. our birthday is tomorrow.. Kouji, did you forget too? I.. forgot. What is wrong with my head lately.

'Yes please' I hit send, feeling guilty I don't respond unless it's about alcohol. I wasn't sure if Takuya was just dumb or genuine but why did he try so hard to be my friend?

I'm sorry, Takuya I barely try for you. I feel guilty about that, too. I feel guilty about a lot of things lately. I feel like I could do so much more.

I sent a quick 'where'd you go?' to Kouji, trying not to be as worried as I was yesterday. I couldn't help it.

I wonder.. where did.. my brother go? I mean.. he's his own person.. why do I care? What's wrong with me? Why am I so insecure? I feel like I stick to him so much and he hates it.. or maybe I'm just being weird again.

A new message popped up. I smiled to myself, excitement showed briefly, but it ended up being Takuya.

Why must I feel disappointed? I should be happy.. I have a friend. But..

Kouji hasn't replied, though he promised. Something inside me broke.

Maybe I'm too expecting? It's barely been a minute. I mean, I hate it when people expect things of me, so why do I expect Kouji to do anything that quick? maybe the promise is the problem. Am I a bad brother? What am I thinking? Kouji will reply.. I know he will. I just need to be patient.

I read Takuya's message and replied, 'tonight?'

I replied affirmatively. I wondered if he had messaged Kouji, too. I saw another message abruptly on my Home Screen. Any enthusiasm disappeared as I stared at it. I honestly expected Takuya again.

'Sorry, grabbing clothes. on my way back now'

This time it was Kouji. I wanted to reply, my fingers shaking at the giddiness I felt.

Frankly, having no money for a birthday gift for my twin makes me sad. What should I do? Maybe I could make him dinner? I could surprise my mother, too. But.. I need groceries. I need money for groceries..and I'm broke. Why does everything cost money? What can I do for him? I hate this..

I sighed, deciding to take a quick shower. As I was washing my hair, I noticed I wasn't in pain. This was a good thing, just different. I glanced at my arms scared to see the truth and the truth was a lot of them are healed and just scars. I should feel proud, right? I don't.

I stepped out of the shower and dried off, wondering if I had to be careful still. I picked out a long sleeve shirt, seeing as ninety percent of my wardrobe was just that. I knew why. Kouji did now, too.

It's good, I'm steering away from this.. and this thing I do. But.. deep down.. there's a small part of me that.. that misses it. The pain is.. addictive.. and I'm scared to admit.. that every little thing that makes me feel bad.. like my brother's story.. or mother.. bullies.. even life.. it just.. Makes me want to..

I decided to do something I haven't done since I was a pre-teen, attempting to distract myself from any impure thoughts.

I'm so weird.

KOUJI'S POV

I waited rather impatiently. Two regulars were supposed to show their face to buy the rest of my supply. After the conversation I had with Kouichi last night it made me realize he just wanted to help. I should have let him from the start. My ego just wouldn't allow it. But no matter, it's extremely difficult for me to take help from anyone. Even my own brother. I did promise no more selling to Kouichi but I had to get rid of what I had.

What was I supposed to do, flush it down the toilet? I mean, damn, I need the money. Especially if I'm going to be bumming at Kouichi's mom's. I don't mind getting clean for my brother, but I hate this after-effect. Jitters, palpitations, cravings.. it can all go to hell. Weird, I didn't feel this bad when I was next to him. I want to go back already.

I glanced at my phone as a message popped up.

'Almost there'

...finally. I'm tired of waiting for these people.

I sat awkwardly on my porch steps, staring out at the road. Nothing yet. I had gone into my house to throw whatever clothes into a garbage bag. I set it next to the front door. I didn't care about anything else in the house and honestly I would be fine with wearing the same clothes everyday. Uncaring and cold, especially towards everything surrounding me, that how I've always been. All the dirty furniture, moldy food, broken walls, torn carpets; this house can burn down for all I care.

You wanted to do my laundry so bad I got these stupid clothes for you, Kouichi.

I don't know why I cared so much. It was a different kind of care, that's what confused me.

This is a.. weird.. feeling.

I saw a car pull up.

Finally.

I stood to my feet as he pulled to the gate. I motioned with my index finger to wait a moment as I grabbed a box from within the front door. It was full of the rest of my supply, nonchalantly in a secure and tight locked box. Honestly, it was heavier than expected. I carried it over to his car as he popped open his trunk.

I quickly grabbed the money from them and watched as they left. I'm legitimately glad they are not the kind of people that stick around to make small talk. Even though publicity wasn't the problem, I just didn't like people.

BEEP

I viewed the message appearing on my phone screen.

'Where'd you go?'

It was Kouichi.

I couldn't help but chuckle. He's just a little tag-along puppy.

I wasn't gone that long. Or was I? I lost track of time sometimes.. sorry to worry you again. I don't mean to.. my apathy can be a bit too much for people, I think. But Kouichi.. I don't know why but I feel guilty. He's the only one that brought any real emotion out of me that wasn't anger. Weird.

I stepped back into the hell-house for a minute, feeling breathless. The place seemed eerie and sinister. Normally I don't mind twisted and dull areas, but something about this place made me uneasy.

I'm happy it's going to be foreclosed.. I hate this place. I'm done. Screw it. Let the place burn down. I couldn't care less.

I couldn't help thinking about all the things that were bothering me. Takuya had messaged me earlier, and it made me cringe. Not the brunette, but what he had said. 'Plans for your and Kouichi's birthday?'

Why did I forget? Damn, I don't even have a present. I have to do something..

I sent Kouichi a quick reply before grabbing the bag of clothes and headed down the road back to his twin.

Maybe I should cook him dinner.. No.. I don't know how to cook. It's the reason why most of my meals consisted of fast food and junk. I could.. buy something.. I don't know what he would want, though. Shit, I'm bad at this. What are you supposed to get people for their birthdays, anyway? Every other year are gifts consisted of going out for tea.. or getting a movie.. nothing big.. but.. this is our eighteenth birthday.. this one matters most, right?

As I approached Kouichi's house, I couldn't help feel like a disgrace.

I guess I'll see.

I opened the door quietly seeing my twin in the kitchen. He seemed to just finish washing the dishes. The place smelled of lemon and honey.

I muttered a hello walking over to him. He skipped up to me with a slight tinge of pink on his face. He was holding his sleeves in his hands. I always thought he looked pleasant. I guess I couldn't find the right word.

"Clothes?" He cocked his head to the side, reaching out a hand.

It took me a second to realize what he was talking about. I nodded.

"Okay!" He spoke happily, seeming eager to do something. "..go shower."

I frowned lightly, saying no to Kouichi was extremely improbable. His kindhearted wishes were irresistible, no matter how wrong or guilty I felt. I complied and did just as he asked. The water droplets fell onto my head, running like a waterfall onto my shoulders and down my back.

I've showered before.. why does this one feel different? I need to.. eventually find a job. But who would hire me anyway? Maybe I'm out of luck. Should I sell shit behind Kouichi's back? I don't know, maybe not. I'm trying to keep a promise here. I feel unlike that individual sitting at the hell-house. Constantly angry and dejected.. now I feel hopeful. Always something about Kouichi made me feel like there was something better out there. And now I'm secretly living with him. Why do I feel so weird? This is a good change, right?

As I stepped out of the shower I realized my small pile of clothes I had left on the counter had disappeared. I rapidly dried off with Kouichi's towel and wrapped it around my body.

I'm safe; this is why I didn't use my jacket pockets. I hid a small personal supply in my shoe. Yes, I feel like a criminal, but it's a bad habit that I depend on a lot. It's just in case, I guess. I know I'm trying to keep a promise and I didn't have an excuse. I peered out of the door to see Kouichi holding some clothes.

"I-I didn't know what you w-wanted to wear," his eyes wouldn't look at me.

I smirked at his apprehensive demeanor. I eyed him as he kept his eyes towards the ground. Maybe he wasn't used to a naked person in a towel around him.

Funny.. he's always blushing. But why is he stuttering so much more? I wonder what makes him so nervous all the time. I can't tell.

I thanked him, taking the clothes from his hands and quickly shut the door, changing. He gave me gray sweatpants and a black quarter sleeve. We weren't the same size anymore as his growth stunted. I'm guessing he had given me clothes too big for him again. Honestly, the shirt was a little large for me, too. I walked out to the living room, relaxing my body onto the couch.

BEEP

I stared at my phone, seeing a message from a customer appear. I couldn't bring myself to reply. I stopped selling just as requested by my twin. I turned my phone to silent. Kouichi walked to the kitchen. I was too lost in thought to pay attention to anything he was doing.

I want this.. a clean house.. it smells so good.. someone to look forward to.. to share this happiness with.. I'm jealous.. but why? I'm here. He's here. I'm bitter over what? I know Kouichi is trying to be as welcoming as possible.. I sense it.. he just wants me to unwind.. but I always feel so angry.. the urge to spill someone's blood is tremendous. Anyone but his.. I know I should feel at ease, I can't calm down after just less than a day. My infuriated emotions were still boiling.

Kouichi placed a bowl of egg rice and a cup of tea in front of me. His smile was endearing; seemingly like a loving mother. Is it messed up to think Kouichi held feminine energy? I sipped my tea and watched him walk back to the kitchen. My stomach hurt, I felt hungry for at least twenty four hours. Slowly it became nausea and pain.

I didn't eat last night. I didn't see Kouichi eat, either.

I shoveled the food in my mouth the very moment he set a plate down in front of me but I froze, feeling a buzz. Another message popped up on my phone. It was Takuya. 'See you guys tonight!'

I chewed slowly and rolled my eyes.

It wasn't like I didn't like him, I hated to admit it but I think I was jealous of him. His optimism, the way he could talk about his problems without a care.. did he not possess pride? Teach me.

Kouichi sat next to me sipping his tea. I scooted closer to him and placed the bowl down on the table. I patted him on the head as an unspoken thank you. I grinned at his embarrassed face.

I still feel like shit. I don't have a present for you.. I don't know what I can do. You're my twin, I know, but I'm lost. What do I get you?

Actually.. I think I have an idea.

•••

I heard sorrow in my brother's voice as he said his goodbye to his mother. I could tell he was extremely worried about her and I would be, too. She looked feverish and sickly. If it made me nervous, I could only imagine how Kouichi felt. Before she had left, she told us both she had a birthday gift for us tomorrow. She said she hopes I'll be here tomorrow for it. Little does she know, I'll probably be around a lot longer than she's going to realize.

I had gotten another message from Takuya stating he would be on his way shortly. I wrapped my arm around Kouichi, trying to reassure him. Sadly, no matter how much closer anyone had gotten to him, it just wasn't enough to make him feel comfortable. Not to mention his sick mom worried the hell out of him. He just rested his head on my shoulder, somehow it made me feel like I've won. I didn't know what I was winning. We sat on the couch for what seemed like days, though it was just minutes.

My heart was pounding. I always felt so bent out of shape around him. Lately, Kouichi's has been giving me palpitations. Of course I would always try to keep my cool, but for some reason he was the only exception.

I sighed. I could feel his sorrow, and incidentally I just felt rage. I couldn't tell why.

"Kouichi.." I started to say.

He looked up his me with those big starry eyes and I melted.

Why do I feel this way? What is this stupid feeling? It's just a twin thing, isn't it?

"You okay?" I breathed.

He nodded, resting his head back on my shoulder. I rubbed his forearm a bit before checking my phone for the time.

KNOCK KNOCK

Weird timing..

I stood slowly to get the door. I opened it, and there was Takuya with the same dumb grin he always wore.

"Hey!" He walked in, setting two large paper bags down on the table.

"Hi," Kouichi muttered in his direction.

"Hey," Takuya smiled, gazing at my brother.

"Where's the other idiots?" I smirked, only half joking.

Takuya shrugged, "..I think they're on the way."

Kouichi's smiled faded. I watched as he lowered his head, fidgeting with his sleeves. I sat down beside him, hoping to ease any stress with closeness. I felt protective. I wanted to shield him from any negativity, just like high school.

Takuya pulled three bottles out of the bags and grinned self-satisfied, "..presents from me and Junpei!"

"Where'd you get money?" I asked, brow raising.

"No where," Takuya said sheepishly, "..actually, these are just Junpei's presents. Sorry. When I get a job I'll take you guys out."

"You don't need to," Kouichi frowned.

I spoke before Takuya could, "..open them."

"Ooh, so impatient," he laughed, struggling to twist off a cap.

I glanced at Kouichi, still seeming lost in the dark.

"You want to have a drink with me?" I whispered.

He nodded, though I could tell he was unsure.

Why was he hesitant? It couldn't be about drinking. Is it his mom?

I got up to get a few glasses from the kitchen, handing them to Takuya. It's not like I needed them, but the others might.

"You guys get your own bottles, don't forget," he smiled widely.

How drunk does he plan to get us? Crazy. Doesn't really bother me, I'm used to it by now.. but Kouichi is going to be completely gone if he finishes a bottle.

Takuya poured the drinks and grinned as he pushed the glasses towards us.

"Happy birthday! Well.. at midnight!" He exclaimed, holding his drink in the air.

KNOCK KNOCK

"I'll get it," Takuya made his way and opened the front door.

Junpei and Tomoki walked in, saying their hellos to us all.

"Hey!" Takuya wrestled with Tomoki's hair, and turned to Junpei, "..where's Izumi?"

"She couldn't make it," Junpei frowned, but his face quickly twisted into joy, "..but I have great news- no, the best news!"

"Hm?" Takuya questioned with a long hum.

Kouichi turned his head to the side. I crossed my arms, amazed that I even spoke to these people.

Junpei grinned like a mad man.

"Well?" Takuya sounded impatient, "..tell us!"

"Well.. first I got a promotion at work! You're looking at the big-dog manager!" Junpei seemed proud of himself, Tomoki nodded his head as if confirming, "..second, my mom was so happy for me she gave me her old car! AI'm still saving for a new one, though."

Kouichi smiled and I could tell it was genuine. His rosy cheeks caused my stomach to flutter.

"Cool!" Takuya started to laugh, "..so she's going to start walking everywhere?"

"No.." Junpei huffed, "..we share. But the last thing is.. I finally asked Izumi out on a date!"

"And she told you to get lost?" I chuckled.

"No.. actually she said yes," Junpei's face was smug and pleased.

"Nice, buddy!" Takuya patted him on the back as Junpei sat next to him, "..I'm actually talking to a girl right now.. hope it goes well for me, too!"

I'm sure it will..

I couldn't help but roll my eyes but no one noticed. Girls loved Takuya for reasons unknown. It was truly a mystery.

"What a great day to celebrate!" Tomoki clapped.

"Yeah," Junpei exhaled, turning to Kouichi and I, "..also, happy birthday, guys!"

"Happy birthday!" Tomoki and Takuya spoke in unison.

We all grabbed our glasses, they cheered for us as we drank. I just wanted to chug out of the bottle right now and I didn't know why.