(Waste my time - lil xtra,demxntia)
Rewrote chapter
KOUJI'S POV
That morning we sat together silently on the couch. Gloom lingered in the air as my twin checked multiple times on his mother. I checked her temperate a couple times, seeing the fever escalate and disappear.
It seemed to be a roller coaster but that's what happens when people get sick, right? I guess I'm not sure. I don't have people around me like this.
Judging by her sleeping, we both guessed she was staying home again today, seeing as she had been incapable of moving anyway.
Honestly I'm glad. She needs the rest. But.. Kouichi's dwelling on her.. I know he is.. but I need to get his mind off this.. I'm sure he's sad. Plus, I need to get my mind off of Takuya. I'm simmering.
I eyed Kouichi, thinking. He felt my gaze and he turned to me, our eyes meeting.
"What?" He questioned.
"Do you want to go to the movies today?"
Kouichi blinked at me, "..what movie?"
I smirked, "..the new one."
"The scary movie?" He pouted.
Charming. Alluring. Damn.
"I'll buy you candy," I tempted, grinning.
I'm sorry, Kouichi. I just want us to be okay. It's my peace offering, I think.
"Okay," He seemed defeated, smiling solemnly at me.
I could tell he was uncomfortable, yet I let myself be selfish. I just wanted him as close to me as possible. I couldn't get last night out of my head, no matter what I did. I can't focus. Kouichi left me on the couch to shower. He asked if I wanted to as well but I put it off. I would later.
Purely for the fact of how Kouichi was acting last night, it's hard to believe anything he said. Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe I'm just being crazy. Maybe I should message Takuya.. but maybe I should wait. Kouichi will tell me in due time. I'm just impatient and I want to know.. now. I wish I was there.
Kouichi came out of the bathroom, semi-dressed and his hair still sopping wet. I could smell the fresh scent from where I stood. He checked on his mom once more before heading to his bedroom. He sported the same hoodie he always wore though today he looked even better in it than I could remember.
I really am crazy.
The trip to the theatre wasn't a long one. We took the subway downtown and found the movie theatre almost immediately. The usher took our tickets and guided us inside. We stood in line at the snack stand, scanning the place. Tacky carpets lined the floors and the room smelled of popcorn and butter. There hadn't been large number of people, either.
Good.
When it came to be our turn, I took charge and ordered a pop and some candy. I know Kouichi always had issues talking with strangers.
"Thanks!" He smiled at me with pink cheeks.
My chest pained.
Who else got to see that? I thought I was the only one. It's okay Kouichi had friends.. but I kind of miss when he didn't. Its very messed up to think this way. It's barely been a day and I'm.. acting like this .. I know, I'm selfish.
I handed him the box of sweets. I returned the grin almost falsely, opening the door for him as we stepped into the darkness of the movie room. I lead him up the stairs to the very top and sat at the middle seats.
I don't like people being behind me.
Kouichi munched on candy slowly, the previews were going to be nonstop for awhile. I felt his uneasiness and it caused mine to increase. He took out his phone and I peered at the new message on his home screen. He opened it and my hands balled tightly, showing white knuckles.
'Sorry, I know I acted weird last night'
Kouichi shut his phone in discomfort and and stared at me, alarmed. I could barely control my irritated expression, my eyes glaring. This isn't something I expected to see. I should have shut my eyes.
Takuya.. what exactly are you sorry for? I want to know. Why does Kouichi look so nervous.. I thought he said Takuya was just sad. What the hell?
"So.." I placed my hand on his wrist gently in attempt to hide my vexation, "..what was that?"
"Nothing," Kouichi turned to the screen, speaking lowly.
My whispering turned venomous, "..he's sorry for nothing?"
Kouichi winced at my tone, "..he's probably sorry.. he asked m-me to come meet him that late.. and he was just sad.. cried, y-you know."
Excuse after excuse.
I couldn't believe him but what choice did I have right now?
...Okay. I need to relax. I'm doing it again. I'm acting like an asshole right now. If I'm being honest; I hate myself right now. But telling myself to calm down can only do so much. But still.. I feel weird. I feel like he's hiding something from me.. again. I can sense it. I'm not stupid. Kouichi can't keep a secret from me.. he never has been capable.. Didn't we make a promise anyway..
I gripped his hand tightly, frowning. He watched me as I took out a bottle of liquor from my pocket.
Yeah, I'll admit, I couldn't go a day without a drink but.. at least I knew it calmed me down.
I chugged the majority of it before offering the rest to Kouichi. He hesitantly took it.
"I'm sorry," He muttered dolefully and I melted hearing his gloomy voice.
A warning played on the screen asking everyone in the theater to turn their phones off. We both did this and the screen told us the movie would start momentarily.
I heard him groan anxiously.
"It's just a movie," I whispered, smirking.
I felt guilty for how I acted.
"Say what you want," he sunk in his seat, "..it's still a scary movie."
The room darkened even more and the movie had started. The first scene played but I couldn't get Takuya out of my head. I tried to act normal around Kouichi, but I still felt angry. Even when Kouichi hid his face in my arm, usually I'd be loving the unshelled affection but I still couldn't help but boil.
I had so many questions unanswered. I wish I was there. I don't know why it bothered me so much but it did. I don't like being left in the dark about these things; especially when he's sniffling on the phone and he walks up to me blushing.
What the hell is that about?
I felt Kouichi jump in his seat and I held back a grin. A downpour of emotions flooded through my head.
I'm angry.. I'm happy.. It's because of Kouichi.. but I can't put the blame on him. Maybe he doesn't know how.. I am. Maybe.. Takuya told him.. I don't know. I shouldn't assume. I hate not knowing. I hate wasting time. Does he know I'm losing my mind right now?
I couldn't focus on the movie. I just wanted Kouichi to tell me something more. Nothing really made sense. What he had told me and how Kouichi acted seemed almost opposite. There was another part that had scared Kouichi and I turned to him. I saw him pout towards me as if I was the cause of his horror. Well, maybe I am.
"It's not even that scary," I lied.
How could I know? I was barely even watching the movie.
"You're crazy," Kouichi frowned, turning his eyes to the screen.
Crazy, huh? A little.. I guess.
Before I knew it, the movie was over. I was so focused on my own thoughts that the movie seemed like just minutes. The lights slowly came back and I stood to leave. Kouichi followed behind me as I walked out of the theater.
I feel.. guilty. Am I ruining this? I ruined the park.. am I just sabotaging myself? Well.. shit.
I turned on my phone and waited.
"Kouji.." he muttered, "..are you.."
I didn't look at him. I couldn't. He senses my doubt.
Why am I so mad? He went to this stupid movie for me, didn't he? I can't even enjoy anything right now.
He tugged on my shirt and kept up with my pace, "..are you mad?"
"No," I spat sarcastically.
I know I'm doing it again..
"W-what's wrong?" He frowned.
Like he doesn't know..
We made our way to the subway, silence filling the space between us. We were quiet most of the ride home, shooting glances at each other that read differently.
I'm just as bad as he is for not speaking. But I can't help this. I'll explode on him if I do.. and I can't.. not in public like this.
I began to type on my phone as we walked home. Kouichi seemed nervous. He probably thought I was messaging Takuya. I asked Junpei to help me stock up on liquor again; I was out and it infuriated me more. He knows alcohol keeps me from doing certain things and helps me relax.
No matter how goofy he acts around us; he can be very serious when it came to his friend's mentality's. He's known my anger issues intensify without alcohol. I don't think it was the best idea to feed into, but what else could I do? Kouichi pouted as I put my phone away.
"W-who.."
"It wasn't Takuya. Don't worry."
Why do I sound harsh? I don't mean to..
I glanced at Kouichi who hung his head lower.
He mumbled, "..I'm sorry."
Our voices were quiet.
Way to go, Kouji. Way to be an asshole.
I wrapped my arm around his shoulders as we walked together. The last thing I wanted to do was cause any tears.
"No.. I'm sorry."
I hate.. apologies. You're the only one I do this for.. feel lucky.
His eyes faltered, a fake smile shown from the corner of his mouth.
My dad said I push everyone away. I shouldn't believe him but look at how I am with the one person I care about so much. I feel like I do this shit on purpose.
BUZZ
I checked my phone. Junpei replied, confirming. I smirked to myself, knowing I'd be back to my numbed-self later today.
I just wanted to talk to him.. but where .. oh.
We ended up at the tunnel. The air was cool and breezy, the clouds filmed over the sun and there wasn't a sound in this park. No one was around as we settled inside the tunnel. The concrete around us was cold but comforting. He sat next to me. It was so quiet, I just listened to him breath for a minute.
I know I can be a little irrational. These things I do.. sometimes I can't stop them. The way I act.. I feel like I should save it for other people.. not Kouichi. He didn't deserve it. But I'm not used to this.. I'm not used to waiting and wondering why, especially with him. I'm not used to sharing his attention. I wish he would just tell me so I can stop mentally going insane. I can't take it. I want to know.
He took out his phone and I didn't like it. Something about it irked me as I snatched it. He made a sour face at me. I probably should not have done that but what's done is done.
"Kouji!"
His attempts to grab the phone back were weak as I read their messages.
I'm sorry. I have to find out. Don't hate me.
I frowned reading the same messages repeatedly. He froze watching my expression turn to a mix of carnage and confusion.
Alone? Present? What is he going on about? What happened? Why did Kouichi cry on the phone? Why was he so red? Did Takuya tell him? Did I upset him, then? He needs to tell me. Now.
My anger burned, "..what the hell is he talking about?"
Kouichi opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. I dropped his phone on his lap before sighing.
"We made a promise, Kouichi," I growled, "..what are you not telling me?"
I saw his eyes grow watery.
"What was the present?!" I'm glad no one was around, my voice echoed throughout the tunnel.
"Alcohol," he spoke as softly as he could.
Finally. Answers. I'm not satisfied though. I need more.
"Why?"
"He was s-sad.. and h-he shared.." he stammered.
"Sad about a girl?" I sounded skeptical.
"Yeah."
I rubbed my face as he bit his lip.
"Why did he want you alone?"
"B-because.. he can't t-talk.. to anyone else.."
"Bull shit."
He frowned at me, "..no, it's not. He was being sensitive!"
Shit. I guess Kouichi is a good person to talk to when you're like this but.. still..
"Why were you crying on the phone?"
"I w-wasn't-"
"Don't treat me like I'm an idiot."
"I'm not.." he mumbled as a single tear fell.
It was extremely hard to comfort him when all I wanted to do was beat the shit out of something or someone.
"Are you going to tell me?" I threatened holding my phone close to my chest, "..do I need to ask him?"
"N-no.." Another tear fell. His face grew redder by the second.
"So?"
"He told me.. that I.. uh..we.." he trailed off, "..kissed.. that night.."
Oh. There it is. Is this why he was so upset? I mean, why wouldn't he be? I do a lot of dumb things when I'm drunk. I'm pushing him away, aren't I? I've been asshole all damn day. I can't control it ...
"..but I don't m-mind."
Wait, what? What the hell did he say?
I furrowed my brow, shocked he said such a thing. My own face began to heat up, I looked away from him.
Why did this make me.. so elated?
"Uh.. I was just drunk," I made an excuse for my actions, completely embarrassed. It was my turn to feel nervous.
"It happens."
Why did he say that with no emotion? Something changed with him. I don't know what it is and I don't like it.
"He.. kissed me, too."
Still.. no emotion..
"What the hell did you say?" I whipped my head around, eyeing him.
His eyes darted towards the ground. I grabbed his face and force him to turn towards me, only fury in my own eyes.
"You wanted honesty. He was just.. drunk." No tears fell as he spoke, "..people do.. stupid things.. when they're drunk."
Yeah. I know.
"He did what?" I grit my teeth, my body shaking with rage.
I moved my hands from his face and they floated into fists by my side. I swung my fist at the ground, the concrete did more damage to my hand then I did to it. I had to get physical with something, why not the ground beneath me?
I can't believe this shit.
The rage burned.
Why..do I feel like this.
"Kouji," he sounded resentful, "..you can't get mad at him. You do it, too."
..Fuck. He's right. And I hate it.
I growled lowly, glaring in his direction. Kouichi met my eyes for a moment, all tension was thick. He practically challenged me to a staring contest.
I don't know if I like this Kouichi. Where did this backbone come from? Why is he standing up for Takuya? Why do I feel second best right now?
Kouichi scooted closer to me, placing his hand on mine, "..I didn't want to t-tell you.. because I.. didn't want to fight with you."
Fight..? I don't want to either. It's the last thing I want. At least, I got my answers. At least things make sense. But.. this doesn't seem fair. I feel like crying or something. Why am I so upset? I know I do it, too. I know. I'm stupid. But.. even though I do those stupid things when I'm drunk.. there's a reason I do.. a reason I couldn't put into a word or sentence. I wonder if.. Takuya has the same reasons I do..
..Kouichi said he doesn't mind. Is it.. just with me? Or with anyone? I can't ask him that. That's too personal, right? Why is he okay with this? I don't feel good about this. I.. I feel.. kind of jealous.
•••
KOUICHI'S POV
We began to walk without a destination in mind; the tunnel has been tainted by our own pathetic war. Whether he did apologize or not, which he did, I still felt it was almost unnecessary. He's my twin, I sense his impassion but also his sympathy. He didn't want to be so angry at me or anyone and I feel that he couldn't help it.
I knew telling him would cause him to go into a rage. He's always so protective of me. Seeing how bothered he was not knowing made me realize it was better to come clean. No matter how he felt afterwards, it's better than him driving himself insane wondering.
I'm sorry, Kouji. I don't mean to be so.. tough.. but..
Takuya's confused. That's all it was, just confusion and intoxication. I'm not Takuya but I feel like he didn't mean anything by it. Its just curiosity. Maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I think he needs it from a friend. Kouji's anger seemed to dissipate, though I know he had just buried it again. He's always like that.
It was second nature to begin walking home. Nearby we stopped at a grocery store seeing flowers in the window. We both got the same idea simultaneously, scanning the area inside for the perfect get well soon gift for my mother. I found a white vase with a few stems of dyed blue orchids and couldn't help thinking how beautiful they were. It was perfect for my mother, she loves orchids and even the color blue.
There was a 'now hiring' sign on the front door I saw when I had walked in. I kept to myself about it but if I could get a job in the garden area just water plants all day that was ideal. As we stood at the register being checked out, I couldn't help but feel eyes on me. I turned back to see no one but I still felt a bit uneasy. I put it out of my mind for now.
Kouji bought them and I couldn't count how many times I thanked him on the way home. I could tell he felt a little guilty for the way he's been acting. I hope he knows it's okay. I practically jogged inside to my mother's room, where she laid still and sleeping. It hurt to see her like this, but she looked blissful in her slumber. I set the flowers on her side table and gazed at her. I just want her to get better.
We haven't had cake yet.
Kouji placed his hand on my shoulder for comfort but it startled me. I barely paid attention to my surroundings enough to realize he had been standing behind me. I followed Kouji out to the living room to speak.
"Should we call a doctor?" I asked, obviously worried.
"It's pretty late in the afternoon," he glanced at the clock.
"Hospital?"
"But it's just a flu," Kouji frowned, I think he saw how stressed I had been, "..it's okay. People get sick."
I lowered my head, "..yeah.. you're probably right."
He tried to manage a grin as he turned my chin up. I returned his smile, lightly. I still felt terrible, though. I think he knew. I watched him as he took his phone out, typing something. I blinked in question.
"Junpei is going to be here soon."
"W-why?"
"Restock."
He sounds.. happy.. and I like it.
Kouji wandered to the front porch. I stood behind him watching as he checked his phone eagerly. I felt my own phone buzz in my pocket but for some reason I was too nervous to check it in front of Kouji. I accompanied him as he strolled down my yard to the road. Junpei pulled up in his mother's car, and slowly came to a stop. I studied his face as he seemed somewhat sad.
"Hey, guys," He beamed at us, rolling down his window.
"Hi," I smiled back.
"Here," Kouji wasted no time handing him cash he had folded and balled.
"How are you?" I asked as Junpei handed Kouji some paper bags.
The way Kouji rushed made me anxious.
"I'm.. okay.." He sighed, but still kept his grin, "..you guys want to party tonight?"
"Oh, but my mother is home sick," I spoke spiritlessly.
"We could go to my place. My folks won't bother us. And I could invite the other guys!" He said excitedly, spouting ideas.
The others?
"We're going to stay in tonight, sorry," Kouji muttered sternly.
Why did I see this coming?
"Okay then," Junpei pressed his lips together, patting his steering wheel, "..well.. message me whenever. I'll be around."
I muttered a thank you to him before he left.
Did Kouji mean to be rude? Was Junpei just used to it? But I feel bad. Junpei looked sad when he first pulled up. Maybe we're bad friends. We should have hung out with him.
Now back in the house, he pulled out a bottle from the paper bag and chugged. It seemed hurried, as if he depended on it. Kouji handed me the same bottle as he hid all four paper bags under my bed.
"I'm going to shower real quick," he spoke getting clean clothes out of the dresser drawer I had designated his, "..one minute."
I nodded as he left.
One minute is all I need.
I sipped the liquid waiting until I heard the shower running before I quickly checked my phone. Takuya had messaged me. I suddenly felt bad knowing I didn't reply to the first message.
'I understand if you don't want to talk anymore'
I sighed, wishing he didn't blame himself so much. He's overthinking, maybe that's it.
'It's okay. We're still friends.' I pressed send but it didn't feel accurate.
I never thought that I would have the feeling of a friend. My family was just that, family, but the way Takuya had confided in me made me really feel like a true friend. The loneliness Takuya must feel is intense to want to befriend someone like me.
I heard the shower cease running and I hastily turned my phone to silent, shoving it into my pocket. I took another swig seeing Kouji enter the room, his hair still wet. He smelled pleasant and clean.
I blushed as he smirked at me, speaking promptly, "..let's drink."
It's the dominating way he spoke that made me take a drink. I handed the bottle to him and he chugged it like water. I gulped, unsure of how Kouji could drink this so effortlessly. Suddenly I didn't feel like drinking. I only did because he ordered me to.
He followed me out to the kitchen and watched as I scanned the fridge. I wanted to make us a small dinner. I felt Kouji's eyes on me as he sipped the bottle. He leaned on the wall next to the fridge casually. Kouji raised his eyebrow as I took out some instant noodles from the cabinet. I prepared them while he gaped at me.
"What're you doing?"
"Making us dinner," I smiled at him as I stirred the noodles in the pot.
He sipped as he spoke, "..you want help?"
I shook my head politely. Kouji shrugged and sipped, plopping on the couch. I glanced at him as he checked his phone.
The way Kouji's appetite worked had been the same as mine. When I didn't eat, I felt accountable for him, too. I know I could eat more, but the way Kouji had been it almost seemed like he was used to it. I was the selfish one, he wasn't. I can see it now. I promised to share my meals with him and that's what I'm going to do.
He's probably hungry.
I set the noodles down on the table, giving him his own bowl. I even placed a glass of water on the table. It was more of an experiment; I want to see something. He devoured the hot noodles, washing every bite down with some liquor. He didn't even touch the water. I slurped mine as I silently watched him.
Kouji practically inhaled the food.. I feel really.. sorry for him. Watching how he chugged the liquor without even taking a sip of the water.. I don't know why but I'm losing my appetite. His addiction to alcohol became too real just now.
He offered the bottle to me and I shook my head. His eyes pressured me and I finally took the bottle, consuming it. Kouji took our bowls to the sink and followed me as I sat on my bed. I leaned back on the wall, clutching at the dog plush. My favorite part was his floppy and fluffy ears. Maybe his fuzzy belly, too.
I didn't have another stuffed animal, nor did I really have entertainment at my house, but for some reason just feeling the fuzzy-softness of him amused me. Kouji locked the door with a threatening click. He leaned back on the wall with me and grinned, his eyes glancing to the plush.
It seems like he wants to say something..
He held the bottle out to me, "..does Mori want some?"
..that's not it.
I smiled, "..he actually doesn't drink."
"But you do," he spoke wickedly and alluringly.
I took the bottle from him.
Why is my heart skipping right now?
"Let's finish the bottle tonight," he smirked.
Normally I wouldn't hesitate.. but..
"Um.."
"That wasn't a question," he sounded demanding.
I flushed, uptight, "..okay."
Wow.. I.. I feel.. I can't find any words.
He laughed, "..I'm joking. You don't have to."
I watched as he drank again, noticing the bottle was half gone already.
Well, I can't let him drink that whole thing himself.
I took the bottle from him and swallowed.
The burn didn't bother me anymore, should that terrify me?
He observed me as I stared at the dog plush. I felt like a child. I couldn't help finding myself thinking how adorable Mori is. I'm happy to have him, no matter what age I am. Kouji's gaze on me made me self-conscious.
I wonder what Kouji is thinking about right now.
I heard a thump and a scream come from my mother's bedroom and I froze, almost dropping the bottle. I set it down on the side table and my heart began to thump out of my chest. Kouji glanced at me and stood heading for the door way. The groaning constantly grew louder as I followed Kouji darting into my mother's bedroom. She writhed on the ground, her movements weren't normal. We tried to help her back onto the bed but she wriggled out of our grip. I tried to speak to her but she kept yelling, no words coming out. She wouldn't even look at me. Her eyes rolling around without anything to look at had me scared to death. I didn't know what to do. I think Kouji knew, he called an ambulance.