(Keep screaming-lil narnia )
(I didn't rewrite this chapter because I'm scared to re-read this)
*Warning*
Disturbing content.
KOUJI'S POV
It happened to be an extraordinarily long night.
Earlier last night Kouichi became a wreck waiting for EMS to arrive. Watching his mother in such unknown agony had been torture for the both of us, but especially for him. When paramedics came and picked her up to transport her, she flailed uncontrollably. Nothing she did made sense. Peculiarly they let us both ride in the back of the ambulance with her. I eyed the medic as he pricked her with an IV. She didn't even flinch.
On the ride to the hospital all Kouichi did was silently weep. I saw that every time he glanced at his mother he began to choke a sob. He didn't look sad, more like horrified. I sat beside him as close as possible on the bench embracing him tightly. My heart pounded feeling like the arrival was hours away. In reality, it's just minutes.
It's too hard to think about Takuya at a time like this. Just seeing my brother this way completely decoded every ounce of rage I held.
At the hospital we had to sit in the waiting room filling out some papers for her. Kouichi spent a lot of his time hiding in the bathroom so I did most of the work. There had been one other person in the room with us, I feel like this made Kouichi uncomfortable as he couldn't help but let tears flow. Every ten minutes I would ask the nurse about her but she didn't have details. Not like she would, she didn't move from her desk. I guess I was just anxious. Hours passed and I felt like I was going to implode from not knowing anything. Kouichi's eyes were bloodshot and had a reddish ring around them, I'm guessing from the nonstop crying and rubbing. Even now I'm surprised I still see any tears from him, where did all the water come from?
A doctor walked solemnly through the doors mostly studying something on his clipboard. My twin and I stood up in unison, hoping he had any answers for us. Before we could speak, he called over the one other person in the room with us. I sighed out of frustration, I felt Kouichi's anxiety. It drove me up a wall. Only for a second I hated having empathy for him, always feeling what he felt.. no matter how terrible. The doctor walked through the doors with the other person and I turned to the nurse once more, and thinking of a realistic question. How long has it been? Why do we know nothing? Is she just sick? I need answers.. for my sake.. but mostly for Kouichi's sake. Actually, Kouichi ended up speaking before me.
"Can't you tell us something?" He pressed, stepping closer to the counter.
The nurse frowned gazing at Kouichi, "..I'm sorry, I don't know anything."
"We've been here for hours, how does no one not know anything?!" I argued loudly.
"I'm sorry," she muttered as the phone rang.
Kouichi situated on his chair once more, burying his face in his hands. I really felt like I was about to invite myself through those doors. I'm too impatient right now. I didn't realize I had stepped towards the door. The nurse stood abruptly to stop me but another doctor had came through the doors. He's face to face with me now, yet I didn't feel intimidation.
"..Kimura?" He called. Kouichi paced over to me and confirmed. The doctor seemed befuddled seeing us, "..oh?"
"We're twins," I spoke. I already knew what he had been confused about. We didn't have the same surname, but we had practically the same face.
"I see.. follow me, please," he lead us through a quiet hallway.
It was dreary and most of the doors to patient's rooms were closed. It was freezing in the hospital; I witnessed Kouichi shiver. The walk took awhile, I could see the worry Kouichi's face all too easily. He stopped calmly and turned to us.
"What?" I wasted no time prying for details.
"Wait here," he pointed to a few chairs next to a few closed doors. There had been a testing office down the hall with an open door.
"We've been waiting," I growled. I could sense Kouichi's frustration, though he let me do the talking for now.
The doctor sighed, "..she's stabilized. We still next to run a few tests. Please have patience."
"Can we see her?" Kouichi piped up.
"Not currently."
"Why not?" I furrowed my brow, irritated.
"She's in the imaging room," he explained, "..MRI."
Kouichi settled down in the chair closest to him seeming defeated. He tugged on the back of my jacket, knowing I had been ready to blow up, but only because I felt like Kouichi would explode first. The doctor nodded at us as he strolled into back doors where it read 'employees only'. Now sitting next to my twin, I stared at him with consolation. He covered his hands with his sleeves, submerging his ears in his hood. I knew he had to be practically frozen, he's more temperature sensitive than I am. With the questions we had and the uncomfortable surroundings, I couldn't help but huddle next to him comfortingly. He sunk his face into my shoulder, clutched my arm and let out a sob. I stroked the back of his head, in any effort to calm him.
Kouichi.. I know you're scared. I don't want to admit it, but I am, too. Honestly, the Takuya thing didn't seem the slightest bit important right now. The only thing on my mind was this current event.. especially Kouichi. I didn't care, he could never speak to me again and go off with Takuya, as long as he is okay. I just want him okay. I'm sorry I was so selfish. It's actually killing me to see him this bad.
KOUICHI'S POV
I couldn't focus on my personal undying shame, I know that sobbing into my brother's jacket wasn't something my mother would be proud to see. I have to be strong for her. It's so hard. Hours had gone by and I felt worse every minute I waited. I didn't feel anger, I felt intense anxiety. I could barely speak, I kept shivering. My heart thumped a thousand beats per minute and there had been a few times I myself wanted to go to a nurse to make sure that I was okay. The entire time we had been here my mind raced with awful thoughts, though hours it felt like days.
I'm lucky.. Kouji is here with me. I don't how I'd be without him. Especially right now.
I uprooted my face from his jacket seeing I had caused a small water stain on his shoulder. Before I knew it the doctor appeared in front of us. Everything's in slow motion, almost as if my vision couldn't keep up. Without Kouji or I opening our mouth, he began to speak.
"Well, she's laid down currently. We are going to be waiting on these tests to help decipher the problem. As soon as I know, I'll relay the information," he started, "..you may see her. Although it may be hard, try not to act erratically. Her movements are not responsive, nor does she possess speech, but she is exhausted."
What does all this mean?
His words pierced through me. I didn't know what anything meant. I just wanted to see her. I nodded and let the doctor guide us to her room. Kouji kept his eyes on me, my breathing was too quick.
"I know it's difficult to hear, but try to relax," the doctor advised me, stopping by her door, "..you'll cause yourself to hyperventilate."
I don't care. I just want to see her.
Kouji gazed at me, worry apparent.
"You'll need these," the doctor gave each of us a face mask.
He opens the door for us, keeping his eyes on us as we sauntered inside. I saw her laying down, her clothes were replaced with a green hospital gown and covered with white bed sheets. Her hair was an unruly mess, she barely held her eyes open.
"The red button on the right of her bedside alerts a nurse to come in as soon as possible. Don't hesitate," the doctor nodded without a grin before he shut the door behind us.
He finally let us be, yet it didn't feel right. His nonexistent emotions had me nervous. I stepped next to my mother, staring at her from above. Her eyes seem to meet mine and I felt relieved.
"Hi.." I muttered, resting my hand on hers. She was so cold. I pulled the sheet over her arms. She didn't speak to me. I think I saw a smile peek from the corner or her mouth but it was so slight. I forced the tears to hinder in her presence.
Just the fact she couldn't talk to me was terrifying enough.
"She's looks tired," Kouji spoke quietly behind me. I could feel him eyeing me as I caressed her hand.
I gently smiled at her as she closed her eyes, the only thing my ears heard was the sound of her heart rate monitor pulsing. I held my face in both my hands, trying to choke back sobs. Kouji settled next to me and breathed roughly. I could feel Kouji's arms wrap around me, one of his hands pushed my head into his chest.
Maybe I could get her a pen and paper? We used to communicate through notes.. we can again.
"What?" I heard Kouji question.
I glanced at him and to the bed. My mother suddenly raised her hand, her mouth opening to speak. She's looks uncomfortable. I'm too fearful to wait around, I'm never going to know what she needs. I quickly pushed the red button, not a moment later a nurse walked in.
"Did she speak to you?" The nurse turned towards me almost excitedly as I shook my head. I really wished she did. She lifted the sheets off her bottom half to reveal an adult diaper, "..I see."
I feel like my heart stopped.
She was that incapable? My heart is breaking. What would I expect? She could barely move her arm, much less her whole body.
The nurse wiped her down and changed her. I couldn't even watch, Kouji just fixated his eyes at me with a disturbed expression. We both kept our gaze off my mother and only on one another.
When the nurse left I stood up heading towards the bathroom built inside of her room. It was one of those moments I felt like I had to be alone.
•••
KOUJI'S POV
I wasn't sure what time it was, but I saw the sun up and little light shown through the hospital blinds. I gazed the two sleeping before me; Kouichi laid his head down on his bedside gripping her hand. Last night disgusted me. Kouichi's face was extra pale and his eyes lost all luster. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
I didn't want to leave his side, but I did. I left the room to grab some water bottles from the downstairs cafeteria. It was practically a maze to get here, but eventually I spotted a vending machine with drinks available. I only got two, my feet dragged as I began walking back. I just wanted liquor or nicotine; though this isn't the time, I could feel rage and restlessness building once more. Liquor became my personal medication, I don't know when exactly it happened.
As I approached the room, I saw her laying on a hospital wagon rolling down the hallway. I couldn't breathe seeing her being pushed into the testing room once more. I burst through the door to her room to see Kouichi's face full of tears. I glanced at the doctor standing before him.
"What?" The way I asked sounded more like a demand.
The doctor walked over to me and spoke quietly, "..I don't want to repeat myself loudly. I could tell your brother is unstable."
"What is it?" I attempted to speak quieter, but my voice seemed harsh.
"We're doing another MRI and a spinal tap. Her brain is inflamed and causing loss of speech and motor skills. We're bringing in a specialist; a neurologist."
"What does that mean?" I felt my heads shaking, clammy from nervousness.
"It could be a number of things, we can't assume," the doctor sighed, "..all we can do is pray."
Pray? Seriously?
The doctor left the room as I rushed to Kouichi's side. His sobs were quick and uncontrollable.
"Breathe," I pressed, the way he breathed frightened me. He's been having breathing issues since we've been here.
"I-I'm s-scared.." he stammered between sobs.
"She's going to be fine. The doctor will make her better," I tried to speak as reassuring as possible, though even I didn't believe my own words. I held him as tight as I could, a tear fell from my own eye.
•••
I spent the rest of the day pressuring Kouichi to drink the water bottle. I wasn't hungry but I kept asking Kouichi if he wanted anything to eat, though it was always the same negative response. I just felt a need to do something for him. He did ask me to grab a notebook and a pen. I immediately would comply with anything he requested, the doctor was absolutely right. Although 'unstable' had been an insufficient word, it was the only word that fit Kouichi perfectly in his current state.
Downstairs in the gift shop, I did notice a lot of the prices were very high. I saw a little boy with his father picking out a bouquet. It made me think. After I got the notebook and pen, I also picked up some flowers and a get-well card. I felt a pit in my stomach knowing my funds were cutting it close.
Maybe I should sell again. I don't know. I'm stuck in this orbit.
Back in her room I set a beautiful bouquet of hibiscus flowers on the corner table. Kouichi grinned sadly seeing his mother's eyes travel to the flowers. She couldn't say it, but I knew she was grateful. I showed the the card and frowned as she held her hand out to take it, but missed. I told her she could read it later and set it down on the table.
I tried giving Kouichi the notebook and pen as he suddenly lost all hope in being able to communicate with her. He shook his head, I think seeing how she couldn't even grasp a card was enough discouragement. There had been a small single table next to her the nurses used to set down medications when she didn't need them. I placed the notebook and pen down gently, feeling hopeless, too.
•••
That night, I still couldn't sleep. I wandered into the bathroom seeing dark circles under my eyes, similar to Kouichi's but his was more red. He had cried himself to sleep again, slumbering in the same position he had been earlier. The way that he gripped his mother's hand made me nauseous. I dimmed the lights in the room, wishing Kouichi a good nights rest. I stepped out of the room swiftly. It's so quiet and cold in this hospital, it made me uneasy.
I decided to flip open my phone for the first time in awhile, seeing multiple new messages.
Junpei.. Takuya.. Izumi.. Tomoki.. everyone is messaging me.. I wonder what Kouichi's phone looks like..
My phone was close to dying, I'm surprised it hadn't.
'Hey! You okay?' asked Izumi.
'Just messaging you to make sure you're okay! Junpei said you weren't replying!' said Tomoki.
'Hey! Just wanted to see if you want to hang out tonight.
You there?
Kouji?' All three messages from Junpei.
This is ridiculous. Why? I don't respond to messages for a day and this is what I get?
'Hey.. you good? Kouichi isn't replying to me. Hope you guys are okay!' From Takuya.
I glared at my phone seeing the last message.
'We just need to be alone right now. Talk later' I sent to Takuya and Junpei, hoping the information would get around the group. I sighed harshly, turning my phone off. I had a headache.
•••
It was dawn. I can't believe I had stayed up again. I don't know why but I felt like it was my duty to watch Kouichi and his mother sleep. I had to make sure they both slept soundly but my heart pained every time my eyes landed on either of them. The empathy I felt from Kouichi was so intense at some points I had to hide in the bathroom and force myself to hold back tears. But I needed to keep my eye on Kouichi.
Unstable.. that's what the doctor said. He's a professional.. he sees these things.. and I feel it, too.
A doctor walked in the door silently followed by another man holding a clipboard. They glanced at the two sleeping then back to me. I stood next to them and motioned to step out of the room. I didn't want to disturb them sleeping.
"We normally don't give news outside of a patients room but.." the doctor paused, "..in your brother's case, I will."
My brother's case? Yeah.. the doctor said he was unstable.. I guess.. he's that bad.
I braced myself for bad news.
"What is it?" I anxiously asked, making sure the door was shut behind me.
"I'm neurologist Ogawa," the other man introduced himself, "..she has Meningococcal disease."
"What is that?" I could feel my heart beat out of my chest.
"Neisseria meningitidis.. menengitis. There's a bacterial infection. Inflammation of membranes," he explained.
I'm barely understanding anything..
"So.. what can we do?" My voice wavered.
The doctor spoke dismally, "..I'm sorry. It's caught too late."
I don't think.. I could have braced myself enough for this.
"What?" I glanced between the two.
But.. I'm still confused.
Ogawa spoke quietly, "..you have to understand.. this is a rare disease for anyone to contract. If we caught it just a day earlier, she might have been saved. I've seen very few patients live through this horrible disease, and even fewer begin to recover any speech and-"
"So.. she makes it, she will be bed ridden, motionless and speechless?" I replied harshly.
Why is he speaking as if she's gone already?
The doctor bleakly frowned, "..we're very sorry."
"She's going to live right?" My voice boomed, I could feel my body tremble, "..right?"
Ogawa shook his head.
She had always been there for me, even though I hadn't been around, she treated like I was.. like her son. I know I am.. but I swear she loves me like she loves Kouichi. She was so excited when I came over to visit.. always wanting me to stay over..
I could hear the shattering of my heart. My heart pounded so vigorously that my hands were pulsating.
Damn it.. if I feel this bad.. Then Kouichi..
"How long?" I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I held my fists so tight I could draw blood in my palms.
"I'm sorry. We assume days. Maybe less.." the doctor spoke.
"Does she know?" I questioned, feeling shaky.
"She.. wouldn't understand," Ogawa shot me a solemn face.
I just need to wake up. This is just a bad dream. I know it.
"Can I trust you to relay this information?" The doctor asked me.
"We can inform him later if needed," Ogawa offered.
Tell.. Kouichi? This will break him.. and I don't know how bad.. but.. I'd rather it come out of my mouth.. than a stranger's.. damn it.. this is bad.
I shook my head, "..I'll tell him."
•••
KOUICHI'S POV
I awoke in a puddle of sweat, still holding my mother's hand. My mother had her eyes shut still, the pulse on the monitor still beating steadily. I could feel my mouth dry, my eyes sore and my head light. I scanned the room, finally setting my eyes on Kouji. He stood by the window, gazing at something outside. He must have felt my eyes because he turned around, though his face made me nervous. He turned back to the window.
"Kouji?" I muttered quietly calling for my twin.
Though it sounded pitiful, I'd give anything to have him near me. I didn't feel alright. All those times where depression made me yearn to be alone turned to anxiety for dependency.
"Hey.." he replied back as low as he could. He sauntered over to me with a grave face.
"Hm?" I frowned staring into his sorrowful eyes.
My breaths were short and my hands began sweat once more. It's just his expression that made me feel this way. He pulled me into the bathroom and I felt extremely uncomfortable. This place smelled of chemicals and medicine.
I gazed at him wide-eyed, "..w-what?"
"I need to tell you something.. alone," he shut the door closed behind him and set me down on the toilet seat. He didn't speak for a minute but it felt longer, almost like days. The silence had me on edge.
"Kouji.. what is it?" I mumbled, my body was profusely sweating with every second. My breathing fastened, potentially causing fatigue.
I don't feel good.
"I'm not sure how to tell you this," he crouched next to me, sighing.
Tell me what? Kouji.. I'm nervous as hell..
I felt my heart beat intensify.
"It's about our mom.."
This is terrifying.. but.. I know that I need to know. But.. I'm so scared of knowing anything. Why do you need me alone? Why am I sitting down? Why does everything seem like a messed up dream? I hate this.
"Mom is.."
"She's r-really sick?" I muttered, his eyes meeting mine. I could see regret in them.
"Yeah.. really sick," he confirmed.
"But the d-doctors will make her b-better!" My voice amplified through troubled breathing. My words rang through my own head.
Kouji hushed me before speaking, "..no."
"What?" I barely spoke above a whisper.
"They.. can't."
"I-I don't understand.." my face felt hot, "..what.."
"The doctors can't.. make her better." He stated honestly, but his eyes turned to the wall, I could tell he had uncomfortably spoken.
"What a-are you s-saying?" My heart beat so quick it became harder and harder to breathe. Tears began to fall, I feel like I knew what he was trying to say.. I just didn't want to hear it anymore.
It's just not true, there no way. That's all I thought. I knew what was coming. I know by Kouji's tone of voice.. everything..
"She's.. really sick. And.. she's not.. going to .." Kouji constantly paused, gripping my hand in his, "..last.. long.. so.."
"I don't believe y-you!" My voice roared in the small bathroom. I stood as Kouji followed my movements. He held me in an embrace, my wriggling to get free had been weak. I couldn't help the tears turning to a waterfall, "..where's the doctor?!"
I trembled in his grip, my lips and hands tingling acutely. I expanded and closed my hands, wishing my body to feel normal again. Kouji hushed me, his arms around me tightened.
"The doctor will tell you the same thing he told me, Kouichi. I'm sorry," Kouji whispered.
My body felt weak and my mind felt powerless. I settled on the ground, beginning to tense uncontrollably. Every breath was rapid and my heart has never beaten this fast or hard. Only negative thoughts ran through my mind, it was almost like my body felt exactly the same my mind did.
Kouji held my shoulders as he studied my face, "..K-Kouichi?"
I never hear him stutter. Not usually, maybe I have? I can't think. I don't feel good. I could feel my limbs tensing into shakes, the needle-like feeling progressed through my fingertips and face. In this moment it became extremely difficult to breathe. It was almost like my lungs were nonexistent or collapsing. With how severely my heart beat, it distressed my mind, thinking something is wrong. But I didn't have time to think about my own health, I just kept repeating I'm scared in my brain. He needs to understand.. this.. whatever it is..
I held his finger to my neck, hoping for him to feel my pulsating vein. I think he realized how alarmingly rapid my heartbeat really was because his eyes widened, almost popping out of his eye sockets.
"Just take slow breaths, Kouichi," he gripped my face, "..it's just a panic attack."
How did he know? Maybe he's had one before..
This didn't phase me. I just knew I never wanted to go through this again.
I can't tell my body to stop.. it's just doing it..
The tears rolled down my face. The fact that I was sobbing so hard ruined any breathing techniques I tried. I curled in a ball, hiding my face in knees. I rocked back and forth slightly, my body felt like it was on fire with out how it tingled.
"Breathe with me, damn it," Kouji cursed at me, attempting to instruct slow breaths. His hands shook as they gripped my face. I know he wanted my eyes to meet his.
I feel like I'm sinking.
I gazed at him through blurry eyes, seeing a couple tears escape him.
Kouji is crying? I don't see this often.
I couldn't speak. When I opened my mouth, the only that transpired was rapid, harsh breaths. My stomach twisted desperately, I felt nauseous and drained. I assumed the worst. I was at a breaking point. I don't feel real. I feel like a fish out of the water trying to swim.
Kouji pulled me into a hug, hiding my face in his chest. He stroked my hair, his hushing attempting to comfort me.
"Just listen to my breathing," his voice shook lowly.
I did, I listened to his heartbeat too. No matter how it beat, I focused on it. I just wanted my body to feel normal again. Feeling like this wasn't fun anymore, not that it ever was but maybe it's just life in general I was so tired of. I dissociated myself from my own body, fixated only on Kouji's. His arms, his breathing, his heart beat and gently caress. I could fall asleep, I think it depleted every ounce of any energy I possessed. I steadied my breathing with Kouji's, and eventually both embarrassment and exhaustion hit me all at once.
Once the attack has disappeared, I was left with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. Kouji wouldn't let go of me as he grasped at my shoulders. I breathed slowly, my big and tired eyes gazing at his concerned yet exhausted ones. I never wanted to have an attack again. That was the definition of hell.
•••
KOUJI'S POV
Another day had passed, Kouichi spent all of his time at his mom's side. He ingested barely any of his onigiri and one bottle of water the entire time we've been here, as I have. I mostly let him be, trying to keep an eye on him considering I know my brother's sensitivity and emotions can be a little crazy. I didn't trust him to be alone, though. I wouldn't let him go to the bathroom without me guarding the door. I haven't slept since I've been here, I dozed off once and that was barely for half an hour. I honestly despised myself for it, seeing Kouichi was awake.
Our conversation in the bathroom was the hardest thing I ever had to speak. It lasted awhile, considering he had so many questions for me. I knew he wouldn't want to talk to the doctor, maybe I was easier to understand. Actually, I just knew how to talk to Kouichi in general. He was the only person to ever see an emotional side of me, I hated showing anyone anything. They think I'm a robot, and that's what I wanted.
With the way I've been acting, I'm not surprised if Kouichi thought I was an apathetic asshole. I'm sure he didn't, but I wouldn't let anything get to me.. not again. No matter how horrible. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe not, I could be just insane.
I never once saw Kouichi check his phone, was it dead? Is he ignoring it? I wasn't sure, but with all the messages I had gotten from the group I could only imagine. Everyone in our circle knew Kouichi was the biggest baby, he had been like that since the day that they met him. I'm sure he'll always be, too.
The aftermath was something that I didn't want to talk to Kouichi about. He knew her passing was coming, but it's almost as if he ignored that fact. I think we both did. We both knew we needed money and a lot of it. I've been through this before and I did what I had to. Kouichi would never let me sell again. Maybe I could hide it? We needed jobs, but I couldn't expect Kouichi to get one and especially hold it down in the sensitive state he will be in for who knows how long. The only thing I knew was selling. I know I would never get a job. I didn't even graduate, who the hell would hire a delinquent like me?
With Kouichi distracted by his mom's bedside, I took my chance to turn my phone on. I told Kouichi I'm stepping out of the room for a moment and I'd be back. He didn't pay me much attention; he was like a zombie. The low battery didn't worry me as much as it should. I shut the door behind me I called Junpei.
'Hello?' His voice was hesitant on the phone.
'Hey, Junpei.'
'Hey, Kouji! What's up?'
'..you at work?'
'Nope. I'm off today. Why? You guys okay?'
I sighed, bracing myself for the long explanation. I told him everything, for the most part. He knew about our mom, he knew she's about to pass and he even knows how worried I am about the day after. He doesn't know about Kouichi's mentality, though he wasn't stupid. I'm sure he's just as worried.
Junpei might know that I'm trying to converse more about money problems. I hate this; my pride is abnormally large but I need to push it aside. I asked him not to spread the word to everyone. I didn't need everyone messaging us a hundred times a minute. He offered his condolences, but it wasn't what I was aiming for. I asked him about his promotion.
'I'm the manager of that gas store..' he began.
Manager? Okay, that's a start..
'Are you.. looking for help?'
I really hated this.. asking for help..
His voice sounded hopeful, '..actually, there's only one idiot that works for me. He's always late, I should probably get rid of him soon.'
I paused, listening to his response carefully.
'..so yeah, I am. Why? Need a job?'
'..yeah-'
The phone cut out. Of course it did. I barely even spoke a word in response to Junpei, I hope he gets it. I looked at the darkness of the Home Screen knowing it had finally died. I growled under my breath as I wandered back into the room seeing Kouichi's pale complexion, fatigued aura and eyes of despair. She slept nonstop, it had been alarming as we weren't used to it. We did ask the doctor about it, but this is how her body was coping with the stress. He also told me, and just me, that sometimes it's just not a good idea to see someone's death. Especially being younger, the doctor said it could cause trauma. I understood, but there was no way I could pry Kouichi away from this room. Even if there was a way to trick him, how would I know when? He wouldn't leave her side for more than a minute.
Kouichi is so unstable. I see it. This entire event has done nothing but upset me. I didn't want to see my twin so depressed and I didn't want to see her in this state, either. The anger I felt towards Takuya seemed meek compared to what happened with her. I shoved my pride to the side, for once, just to ask Junpei for help. I did it just this once. No one knows how hard that was for me, considering I've been dealing with my own stubbornness since I was practically born.
The darkness peeked through the blinds of the hospital in room, showing it was evening. Kouichi rested his chin on her bed, his chair pulled close. Her eyes were closed, she seemed like an angel; a sickly one. She looked exactly like Kouichi and I. But I always thought she resembled Kouichi more, the blush of her cheeks were constant and Kouichi had a motherly demeanor. She's beautiful. Her eyes were dark and sparkled with every smile. I'm going to miss that.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
I jumped slightly where I stood, the monitor sang a deafening song as I looked in horror at Kouichi.
It's happening.
I hastily pushed the red button to call a nurse in here and grabbed Kouichi dragging him as far back as I could. I sensed he wanted so badly to run to his mom but his body was immobile from shock. A nurse opened the door, finally witnessing the scene. She had a pager on her side that she pressed repeatedly. I hid Kouichi's eyes as best as I could, both of us crouching down in the corner. The same doctor and nurse rushed in and I shut my eyes not wanting to bear the sight of seeing what was going to happen.
I heard my brother cry, beg and sob into my chest. I held him as tight as I could, shielding his eyes from the occurrence. My heart broke into a million pieces hearing his wimpers and beggary. I heard the doctor ask us to leave but neither of us could move. The trembling boy I held so close to me sobbed uncontrollably and alarmingly. I attempted to hush him, but it seemed like an impossible task considering I myself was crying. Silently, but enough. He began to breathe rapid and familiarly. I gripped his head pushing his face to my chest. I felt so helpless in this moment. I listened to monitor as it played the constant tone neither of us wanted to hear. The flatline seemed to echo in our ears. I heard the doctor call it.
•••
I had to call Junpei on the hospital phone to drive us back to the house. Kouichi wouldn't come out of the curled up position he was in no matter where the doctor had asked him to go. The doctor called it trauma, I called it vulnerability. He cried continuously, hiding his face in a fetal position. Both times I asked him to move, he wouldn't answer. The first time I attempted to pick him up, he slapped my hands away. The second time I went to pick him up, he let me, surprisingly. He buried his face into my chest, I could feel him warm and shaking.
Now outside, I set him in the backseat of Junpei's mom's car. I settled in the backseat with him, not wanting to leave his side. He concealed his face in his hands, I pulled him close to me, quietly thanking Junpei. Kouichi didn't even question it, I think he figured out that Junpei knew. Or maybe Kouichi just didn't care.
Junpei didn't speak to us on the ride home, but I could tell he wanted to badly. The car was filled with sounds of sobbing from Kouichi. The last thing I wanted to do was shed a tear in front of anyone else but my own twin, though I might have already at the hospital. I mentally expressed my gratitude to Junpei for the silence. Kouichi didn't need sympathy right now and I think Junpei knew this. When we finally pulled up the Kouichi's front yard it was around eleven at night. My twin had still been crying, but it turned into silent tears. We got out of the car and a turned to Junpei. We nodded to each other as if we understood without words but I wasn't sure what he was trying to say.
I took Kouichi's hand in mine as we began to walk through the yard. He kept his head low. I don't think going back to the place that would just remind you of the person that just passed would be the best idea, but I wasn't sure where to take him. He wouldn't be able to function in public, much less around our friends. We were lucky Junpei knew how to treat someone in a state like Kouichi's. I held the front door open for my twin as he stepped slowly inside.
I watched as his eyes turned towards the kitchen.. or fridge. I knew what was on his mind, and I'd be damned if that thought lingered. I lead him down the hallway to the bedroom. I held back from speaking to him, the words unspoken were caught in my throat. He walked towards the bed but suddenly stopped. For a moment, I stood behind him, staring intensely at his back.
I decided to step next to him, placing my hand on his arm. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could say anything he shoved me onto the bed. I frowned, shocked at his quick movements. He darted out of the room and I hastily followed after him. He ran into his mom's room. Right as I reached the door it shut and locked. I pounded on the door with my whole arm, knowing I could cause myself to bruise with how much force I used.
"Kouichi! What are you doing?" I exclaimed. "What the hell did you push me for?!"
I didn't get a response, but I had a feeling. I put my ear to the door and heard the sound of glass shattering. My heart sank.
"Open this fucking door!" I punched the door so hard there shown an indent.
I could twiddle my thumbs and wait, or I could break this door down. I don't trust him alone in there with broken glass, who would? I didn't have time to think, I need to act. I checked the top brim of the door, no key. I slammed my whole body into the door several times vigorously, feeling like I could break my shoulder but not this damned door. I sprinted to Kouichi's room as an idea occurred. My eyes scanned his room. I need something heavy. I found it; that's it, a lamp. I snagged it and without a second thought I hit his mom's door handle with the bottom of the lamp. Gladly I saw the knob fall to the floor as it broke off. I didn't think twice before I dropped the lamp on the floor and burst through the door.
What I saw before me could give me nightmares for the rest of my life. Kouichi settled down on his knees, a wide stream of blood flowed down his arm and dripped profusely onto the floor, some dripped onto his jeans. He hung his head lowly, hiding any tears he let escape. I should have saw this coming.
I rushed over, my hands shaking as I gripped his wrist and attempted to cease the flow. He didn't stop me, but why? Was it a revelation? Was he toying with me? I didn't understand. I knew I had to stop him from bleeding so much. I grabbed a pillow off the bed and tore the case off, wrapping his wrist tightly.
I noticed the shattered water glass on the floor and my breathing hitched. There was a large piece of glass he held in his hand. I snatched it and threw it across the room. He still wouldn't look at me, his breathing was coarse.
"Kouichi, keep this tight," I pleaded him in a panic.
He barely shifted as I ran to the bathroom to find a first aid kit. It looked like a tornado ran through the bathroom before I found the any bandage wraps. I slid to my knees beside him, wiping the excess blood on his arm with the pillow case. I wrapped his wrist as tightly as I could before holding his face in my hands now facing me. His eyes were fixated at the ground and I could see his skin extra pale. Luckily his lips weren't discolored. I wanted his eyes to meet mine so terribly.
What is going through his mind? Guilt and regret? Did he want to join his mom that bad? This is why I couldn't leave him alone. Unstable.. that's what the doctor said.. I shouldn't be surprised, I know how he is.. but.. I'm mad.. or scared.. something.
"Kouichi, don't ever do this shit again," I tried to sound stern but instead I begged. I embraced him, unknowing if I needed another ambulance.
Just drink like me. Don't do this anymore..
"I'm sorry," he whispered lightly.
At least he spoke.. that's a good sign, right? What am I supposed to do when someone loses that much blood? Was it even an alarming amount? I don't know.. Did he need food? Water? Both? Sleep?
Kouichi stood, as did I. His wound had already bled through his bandages. I stopped him from leaving, wrapping another layer around his wrist. He kept his eyes low as I studied his face. I put a finger to his chin in attempt to lift it but he just turned away.
Is he ashamed? I sense all kinds of emotions from him.. a lot I can't put my finger on.
"Come on," I whispered, leading him to his bed, his face low and covered by his bangs.
A few tears fell onto his pants. I sat next to him, once again holding his head on my chest. I glared at his wrist, feeling fury boil in my body. I could feel him shaking beneath me.
"I'm sorry," he muttered once more.
"It's okay," I sighed, a few tears falling my eyes, "..please don't do that again."
He barely nodded, gripping my jacket. I'm disgusted with myself. I hate crying in front of anyone. Why do I feel so hopeless? All I wanted to do was protect Kouichi from negative things and all that's been happening is the most awful things imaginable. I just want him okay. Even if I didn't feel okay, myself.
He swayed slightly, leaning on me. I pushed him up, seeing his face distraught, flushed and sweating. His eyes were half open, I didn't know what to think. I laid him down on the bed and set Mori next to him. I feel like the best thing for me to do in this situation was let him sleep. He shut his eyes tightly as rolled over on his side.
Maybe I should call another ambulance? What do I do? Maybe I should let him sleep.. he looks exhausted. Damn it, I'm tired, too. I can't sleep, not while he's like this.
I didn't want to leave him alone again, but it seemed like he could barely move. I hastily grabbed a plastic cup from the kitchen and brought some water to him, setting it on the table next to him. I was glad to see he had curled in a fetal position, grasping his plush. His breathing was light, and aside from his ghostlike skin, his face was peaceful. I gently took his pants off, replacing them with some sweats I had found in a drawer. I didn't want him to wake up to bloody pants. Maybe it would make him feel worse.
I turned off his bedroom light, slightly shutting the door. I used the hallway way to illuminate the room slightly. I slid down the wall, exhaling deeply.
I feel like shit. I just want to crawl in bed next to him..
And normally I would lay with him, but I couldn't. It terrified me to know I'll fall asleep. I need to keep an eye on him. I also knew I should clean up the mess in her bedroom, but going into her room right now probably wasn't the best idea for me, either. I can be strong in front of Kouichi, but alone I'm just as messed up as he is.
I snagged a bottle from underneath his bed and began to charge my phone. I chugged the bottle like my life depended on it. My thoughts proceeded every time I ingested the liquid.
I'm so tired.. but I need to stay awake. I need to watch Kouichi. I don't want him doing anything stupid again. I feel like I would have to always keep an eye on him, especially right now. But what if I can't? If Junpei really gets me a job, I can't expect him to wait patiently inside the store everyday. It's kind of selfish, right? To think this at all? Junpei might give me the same schedule as him.. what if.. what if he doesn't? Maybe I could ask Junpei to keep an eye on him. Maybe I'd have to ask Takuya.. even though I really didn't want to. Kouichi's safety is more important than my own stupid feelings.
The phone lit up signifying life. Two messages popped up on my Home Screen. I checked both.
'Hey Kouji. I'm sorry for your loss. Tell Kouichi I'm sorry too. Call me whenever you can, I'll always have a job open for you' said Junpei.
I made a mental note to call him tomorrow. He needs to know I have to be home with Kouichi for awhile. We could figure out money later.
'Okay. Let me know if you need anything buddy' from Takuya.
I sneered. Buddy? Not exactly what I wanted to see, but I can't expect Takuya to realize Kouichi had told me anything. Takuya has no idea of how much I want to strangle him.
I need to calm down. Takuya isn't my focus. Kouichi is the only one on my mind and that's the way it needs to stay. If anyone needs to be there for him, it's me. He was there for me for my darkest time, and I need to do the same for him.
I glanced at him, his body laid pleasant and sleeping with his arm over Mori. I could see his chest slightly raise and reduce his shoulders from slow breathing. He was so relaxing to watch, I almost didn't notice how long I had been fixated on him. I chugged out of the bottle again, trying to understand myself and my thinking.
I wish.. I could be next to him right now.. but I need to look after him. I just really need to.
I smiled sadly at him sleeping. Seeing the way he acted the past few days pushed me to want to do something for him. I know he's not going to want to do anything for awhile, but I wanted to get Kouichi's mind off of what had happened. I think he needed it. I gulped the bottle once again, noting it half gone. I felt my stomach burn but it didn't bother me anymore. I'm too used to it.
The insomnia and intoxication took a toll on me, staying for the past few nights and the alcohol made it almost impossible to hold my eyelids open. It almost hurt to try to stay awake. Maybe I could just close my eyes, just for a minute.
Personal Story...
CRAZY CHAPTER. I KNOW. Sorry, I need to get this out. this actually happened to me. I'm totally fine now, usually people walk away with motor skill and speech problems but after a few years I'm fully recovered. Some people aren't as lucky. I tried to spare you guys some of the more terrible details as I experienced night terrors and seizures while I had this disease.
But..The doctor said it was a miracle i survived AND made a full recovery. I feel like it's really good to write about, it does help me. Almost therapeutic. Makes me realize that things could be much worse. Every day is great.
Life is amazing. Thanks for reading.