(Broken- Lund)

Rewrote this chapter

KOUJI'S POV

I kept thinking about that night with Kouichi and the way that he acted with me. He could do whatever he wanted with me and I'd always let him. I should like it, but I don't in this situation. It feels fake, almost like he's denying himself what had happened and doing anything else possibly could just to take his mind off of the grief.

I stuck to him like a magnet for the next few days making sure he was doing basic things like eating and drinking. It worried me when he didn't and it's almost like he completely ignored the fact his mother was gone. He never spoke about it, and I didn't either.

It's difficult to go through any of my own personal mournings when my twin was so damaged. I just don't have time to worry about self issues. At least I can control my emotions sometimes. Kouichi, on the other hand, has been acting out and unpredictable.

After about a week, he started to become sort of violet and angry. He was mad at everyone, acting irrationally just like I would. Sometimes I would hide his phone just so he couldn't send any regretful threats to anyone. He became furious getting any consolation messages on his phone. Kouichi threw it and luckily it landed on the rug and the battery barely popped out. I wasn't sure how anyone else knew, but I guessed Junpei had finally spilled the news.

He had become enraged every time I placed a cup of water in his face and any time I would remind him he didn't eat that day. Usually when we went to bed he would cuddle with me, but lately he's been pushing me away. I couldn't even sleep, I don't think he did either. I just wanted to be close to him. I didn't like this feeling of rejection I had gotten from him.

At one point he took his anger out on me and it hurt worse than anything that ever happened to me before. I don't exactly know what set him off. The words he spoke were harsh, though it hurt me, I wouldn't let it too much. I know he's just grieving. He needs to let this all out.

Though him yelling at me happened only yesterday, I still think about it as if it happened a minute ago. I remember him saying things like 'I don't need you here' and 'go away'. It was sentences like those that made me think back to my dad and the curse he spoke. Once again, I know Kouichi is just grieving, but still those words were causing heartbreak. I tried not to let it get to me, but it always lingered in my mind.

Is this how he really feels? .. can't be..

Today was the day of the funeral, though no one had showed except our own group of friends and some of their parents. I felt bad for Kouichi, knowing he was uncomfortable around everyone and anyone, especially adults that barely knew him. No eulogies were spoken and no viewing was present. We wanted to do this the cheapest way possible; a simple burial. We skipped any viewings, knowing Kouichi wouldn't be able to handle seeing any of that.

He crouched next to her tombstone, hiding his face and holding a single hibiscus flower. The entire group stood back and let Kouichi take it all in. Though he did his best to conceal his face, I could only imagine the disheartening tears flowing down his cheeks. Junpei stood next to me and glancing in my and Kouichi's direction. I could feel he wanted to speak to us but couldn't. Izumi and Tomoki both shed a tear, I think feeling Kouichi's distress. Takuya was there, I could tell you that, but nothing else. I wouldn't allow myself to even look in his direction.

Slowly the adults walked up to me holding envelopes, though I wasn't sure what they were for. Sympathy cards I thought, but they seemed bulky. Eventually I had received seven envelopes, my nodding head had been enough gratitude for anyone gifting me. I shoved them into my pockets, sighing as the dismal event started to fade for certain individuals. The adults left first, taking Izumi and Tomoki home. Junpei and Takuya stayed back and remained with me. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Kouichi, though I wanted nothing but to shoot bullets with my eyes at Takuya.

I heard a footstep next to me, Junpei had moved a bit closer. I stared at his eyes full of solace for a moment and turned back to Kouichi. He sat on his knees gripping the flower with so much force the stem limped. In an instant, he slammed his fist on the stone. I hastened towards him and dropped down to grab his wrists readily raising them to strike again. He cried out, his head hanging and sobbed. I held him in my arms tightly, his struggle to get free was so weak. He sobbed into my chest and I felt my shirt moisten. I gripped the back of his head harder into my chest, feeling Kouichi grasp at my shirt. He trembled intensely.

Takuya and Junpei hurried to my side, they were unsure of what to do. Junpei frowned deeply, his breathing slow as he gazed at Kouichi. I turned to Junpei, my face full of fear, worry and pain for my brother. Takuya fixated on Kouichi, concern was clear as he reached out a hand. For what reason, I didn't know, but I glared at him. I shot daggers in his direction. I didn't want him to touch Kouichi, and maybe it was selfish, but it was hard to care seeing Kouichi in such a sensitive state. I couldn't trust anyone anymore to care for him, not like I did. If someone else left, what would Kouichi do then? He couldn't handle anything else right now.

My expression was enough for Takuya to drop his hand and back off. His eyebrow furrowed at my scowl. Junpei stared at me in confusion. Everyone knew the best thing was to keep silent, though. The focus stayed on Kouichi.

•••

It started when we were lying in bed. I was replying to a message Junpei had sent me asking if a crowd was too much. Honestly, I wasn't sure how to respond. Kouichi and I both hated crowds but in a couple weeks who knows? Maybe Kouichi would want friends. Anything to make him feel better, right? No matter how much I hated it.

I never saw Kouichi take out his phone, and he hasn't in a long time. It must have run out of battery by now. I wonder what his messages look like, considering mine.

He settled down his back facing me, while I leaned on the wall. His eyes always did something to me every time they met mine. Kouichi seemed tired, however his eyes glowed consistently. My heart would skip, the feeling of intense attraction washed over me no matter what. I knew he didn't mean the terrible things he told me, I could see it obvious in his face he needed me around him.

Sleepless nights turned into sleeping constantly. I know he had a problem with nightmares before but sometimes when I stay up late at night I hear him talking in his sleep again. He used to do it his, but stopped. I think this event made it occur once more, though he hasn't said a word to me about it. I want to ask what his dreams consisted of, but I feel like it was cause a breakdown.

There was a day that I felt like I had to hide the liquor bottle from him. I wouldn't leave his side for many reasons, but he seemed to get a little out of control with drinking. I always knew alcohol can cause someone to act out irrationally; just look at my dad. Sometimes It scared me, letting Kouichi drink so much. Is this my fault?

My twin had a whole bottle to himself and still wanted more, so I drew the line. He didn't like it, but I had to watch out for him. I drank like this, too, and I know how sick it can make you. I limit myself no matter if I drink daily. I think he will get there one day. I really want him to realize self destruction isn't the way he needs to go.

Kouichi got to his feet and began to walk out of the room. My eyes trailed him down the hallway as I followed him, ultimately making certain he didn't run back into his mom's room like before. Instead, he grabbed a broom and started sweeping.

"Umm.." I asked hesitantly, "..what are you doing?"

"Cleaning," he muttered almost obviously.

I frowned watching him move from the kitchen to an adjacent room, running the bottom under a rug. I didn't know if I should let him be, but I did. I sat on the couch and studied his movements for a bit before turning to my phone. Junpei asked me about our situation, money issues and more. It wasn't something I enjoyed conversing about.

His mom's savings, though small, were given to Kouichi. He ignored it, however. I think hearing about his mom turned him to an unresponsive robot. It would cover the next few months of living here but that's all we can try for. All seven of the envelopes also had money in them. I didn't realize this until I got home to open them. A part of me wanted to give them back; I hated handouts. But in this case I think we needed it more than anyone knew. This money could at least get us groceries for awhile.

Kouichi began to mop the floor and I sighed. I messaged Junpei back asking him for more alcohol. He wasn't surprised as I can ask this often, but Kouichi ingested most of my supply already. It wasn't even me this time. I just wanted a cigarette.

I saw Kouichi move down the hallway and I half expected him to come right back. I checked, seeing my twin in his mom's room. I had cleaned up the mess he made that night, but it didn't stop him from mopping the floor and making her bed. He fixed the blankets, fluffed the pillows and even positioned the wilting flowers on her nightstand. His slight smile sent shivers down my back.

He passed me, walking mindlessly to the kitchen. I flipped my phone open once more to see Junpei confirming and being on his way shortly, as he had been already off of work. He started to work early mornings more and more, but it was good for us. Considering how selfish I can be, I slept in and always needed something brought to me apparently.

Kouichi turned on the sink and rolled his sleeves up, almost too composed. I saw a glimpse of his bloody bandage and my heart broke once more.

I would have to change that soon.. since Kouichi wouldn't. He hasn't thought once about himself since.. damn it. I had to do everything for him, I even forced him inside the shower yesterday, he muttered something about not wanting to run the water too long because bills but.. I told him it was okay. I didn't know what else to say. I just don't want him to fight me anymore.

I slowly made my way over to him, gently placed my hand on his arm. I don't know why he picked today suddenly to become the world's number one maid but he did. He didn't pay any mind to me, going about his business as if he was on a mission.

BUZZ

My phone startled me a bit feeling the vibration. I flipped it open to see Junpei would be turning on my road soon. He didn't live that far away, but he still made it over here quicker than I imagined. I took one last look at Kouichi before walking outside. I wanted to make this as quick as possible, I didn't keep my eyes off of him for more than a few seconds. I would even sit in the bathroom with him when he showered, I just didn't trust him alone. A big part of me wanted to ask him to walk with me but he seemed almost at peace doing the dishes. I didn't want to interrupt, whatever fake calmness had submerged.

I stood in the front of the yard as Junpei pulled up. He rolled down his window as I stepped to the car. Junpei handed me some paper bags as I attempted to give him money.

He shook his head, "..keep it."

I really hate handouts.

It took all my strength not to roll my eyes.

"I shouldn't do this but.." he pulled a cigarette box out of his pocket and handed it to me, "..I know you."

I nodded to him. I was grateful but I couldn't show it very well. I shoved them into my pocket for later.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I said quietly wanting the small talk to end.

"Is.. he okay?" Junpei looked at me with concern.

"He's cleaning," I murmured, turning towards the house as if I could watch from where I stood.

"Are you really okay?" His eyes examined my face.

"Yeah," I smirked this time but I don't think he believed me.

"Do you want.. to hang out?"

"I need to go," I spoke almost in a rush. I didn't mean to sound so rude, but Kouichi probably needed me.

Or maybe I needed.. just to watch him..

"Keep in touch," he shot me a small grin as he left.

A sigh of relief crept over me. I walked back inside the house to see the saddest thing I've ever laid my eyes upon. Kouichi was in the process of cutting the cake on the table. I set the supply of liquor down and walked slowly over to him. His eyes were focused on the cake slice he was placing gently on a plate.

"Here," he spoke happily as he handed me the plate.

My heart broke as I took it, slowly taking a seat at the dining room table. He cut two more slices and I felt my stomach twist intensely seeing him set one down at an empty seat.

What the hell..I don't know what to think.. I don't want to be insensitive but.. this is bad. What does he think? What's good about this? It's just making me nauseous.. what's he doing? How is he okay with what he's doing?

"Kouichi.." I started but it was hard to find words.

I didn't want to distress him further, but I didn't know how to verbally speak without upsetting him.

"Hm?" He looked me as he sat.

His eyes were different than usual, more hopeful.

"Why.. did you put one there?" I motioned towards the empty seat.

I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him. I need to confirm his mentality.

"That's where she always sits," he answered, taking his eyes a bit uncomfortably off me.

"Sat.." I corrected. He ignored me.

"Oh," Kouichi murmured uncaringly and stood up, darting to the living room.

I eyed him as he grabbed a picture frame. I felt my heart sink seeing it was a picture of her and Kouichi when he was about seven. Though a very cheerful picture, I couldn't help but feel the opposite.

He pushed the plates towards the picture, "..here, Moth-"

I slammed my hands down on the table, "..what the hell are you doing?"

I'm sorry. I know I'm doing it again. But I can't help it.

Kouichi sunk in his seat. His face dropped to a depressed expression and it seemed to be what was realistic. Finally.

Pretending isn't practical right now. He needs to realize this. She's not coming back. I feel mean.. I feel like I should let him play pretend.. but I can't. This hurts too much to watch. He's going to end up hurting himself more. He's going to get him damn hopes up.. for nothing. Doesn't he know this? I know we never got to have cake together.. but what's done is done. Maybe I'm just an asshole.

"I just gave her a piece.." he mumbled under his breath.

"She's not here to eat it," I said a little harshly.

He needed to hear the cold, hard truth.

"But she is."

"No. She's not," my voice grew quieter seeing Kouichi's eyes begin to water. He needed to understand, "..Kouichi, she's not coming back."

"But I cleaned!" He snapped at me, a tear ultimately fell, "..she's going to be so happy! I made her bed, and-"

"Okay, okay," I finalized a bit loudly and sternly.

I moved closer to him seeing his face fall. I stood above him and my eyes darted to the knife he used to cut the cake. Kouichi didn't seem to notice, but this made me uneasy.

He dropped his head into my stomach and whimpered, "..I'm sorry."

"It's.. okay.." I sighed, squeezing his shoulder, "..can we go to your room?"

He nodded slowly, following me as I grabbed a bottle and strolled down the hallway. I fixated on him as he sat timidly on his bed, grasping at Mori. Another tear fell, his breathing was slow and silent. I settled down close to him, wrapping my arm around him.

"I'm sorry, Kouichi. I'm just worried about you," I admitted, though I think he knows.

"I should've called."

My brow furrowed, "..what?"

He hung his head low, "..a doctor.. or something."

I know what he's getting at and it's breaking my heart. He doesn't know.. but I feel regret too.

"You didn't know, it's not your fault. It's no ones fault," my grip on his shoulder tightened, "..life really sucks, sometimes."

He didn't reply, maybe he was listening for once.

"It's terrible what life can throw at you. But.. You have someone next to you that wants to help you through the bad days. You just need to be strong."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are. A lot more than you realize," I turned his chin up to look at me, "..you'll see, someday."

The corner of his mouth moved for a moment, almost the smallest grin. His cheeks held a pinkish tint to them, and it was so exciting to see my brother almost normal, even just for a moment.

Why does he look so good all the time? Even when he's sad..

"There are people that care about you, Kouichi. I know I do, a lot," he met my eyes, almost as if he never knew, "..and I need you, a lot.. I don't know where I'd be without you. You've done more for me than anyone ever could."

He suddenly blushed, turning his red face to the side to hide. I'm glad he darted his eyes away, because I could feel my own face heat up. I was never the kind of person to speak my emotions, but for him I could. It's embarrassing, to say the least, but I think he needed to hear this from me. Maybe something will click in his head now. He turned back to me but before he could see my red cheeks I moved the hug him.

He whispered a sweet thank you to me. I let a grin show as I twisted off the bottle cap and handed him the now opened container. We handed the bottle back and forth multiple times, so much that only about a quarter was left. Half an hour had passed, but our silence was understood by each other. He laid back on the bed, staring intently as Mori. He whispered something but I couldn't understand him.

I raised my brow sitting but scooting closer to him. "..hm?"

"I like his ears," he smiled lightly as he flicked the plushies ears, "..and his eyes."

I returned his smile.

"I like your eyes, too," I said unknowingly. He stared at me a bit wide eyed and I stuttered a response finally realizing what I said, "..I m-mean his eyes."

We both once again had red washing over our cheeks.

I like Kouichi's eyes the most. Big and sparkly.. just like Mori's.. but his are way better.. because they're real.

"He's real cute," I opened my mouth once more to see a reaction from Kouichi.

My twin tried his best to ignore the adoring words I spoke.

"Yeah.. he is pretty cute," he whispered to himself, the blush on his cheeks stayed.

Cute.. what a word.

I shook my head bringing me out of my thoughts, "..uh, you should draw more."

I feel like I'll say anything right now. It's the alcohol making me feel this way.. right?

Kouichi turned to me with a confused expression, "..what?"

"You're really good."

"Really? I don't know.." Kouichi shrugged.

"You are. I always keep the picture you drew in my pocket."

What am I saying? I feel dumb. Damn it.

Kouichi's faced turned a deeper shade of red, "..r-really?"

Yeah. I do. Why did I admit that?

"Nevermind. Just draw more. And drink this," I handed him the bottle as I turned my face away.

I think we're both extremely embarrassed right now.

•••

KOUICHI'S POV

Lately I've been feeling nothing but ambivalence. It's like a mixture of melancholy and and optimism. My mood swings have been so intense I couldn't even keep track of my own self. Sometimes when I wandered around my house I avoided walking anywhere near my mother's room. I don't know why, I just did. I guess it was too hard for me. It's just a reminder and I hated it.

Everywhere I went Kouji followed. I wanted and needed Kouji, but sometimes I pushed him away. Like I do with everyone. He's going to end up leaving, but I'm the one that wanted to be alone. I verbally abused him once and I regret it. I just needed him around, even when I said those stupid things. This dependency I have for him is ungodly. I know this passed event has effected my brother, as well. He always spent all of his time worrying about me, when I just wanted him to focus on himself. I'm not all there, and I can't be fixated on other people. Why is he?

After my mother's passing, despair took over me, and even some other deranged emotions I couldn't name. Kouji's miniature speech did a great deal for me, but I still couldn't help feeling so regretful and unhappy. Some nights I couldn't sleep, some days I slept all the way through. I don't know how long it had been but my phone was almost nonexistent. Once the battery faded I never charged it. I didn't feel a need to. Every time I saw a sympathetic message I wanted to scream. It was the last thing I wanted.

Honestly, I only realized this last night how much this had effected me. I completely forgot how to eat without getting a stomach ache. I couldn't shower without freeing tears. I didn't even like to shower. I don't like seeing myself.. I looked like her. We have the same pink cheeks and soft eyes.

I hated myself, I hate mirrors and I hate my arms.. and what I did last time was probably worst I've ever done. The gash was deep and hadn't healed properly. I accidentally scrape a scab when I was in the shower. Even though Kouji would change the bandage for me, it's almost like a never ending blood stain on the material.

It absolutely disgusted me I even did that in front of Kouji. I promised him I'd never do it again but I wasn't thinking. I just acted on emotions. I think wanted to join my mother so terribly, but something stopped me. I couldn't do it. I don't know what held me back but.. It was mind blowing.. at least to me, of course no one else knew this.

It bothered me that I get to a point of over intoxication more than I realized. I know my limit now; almost an entire bottle to myself could cause a black out. The first time it happened, Takuya told me.

I'm guessing it had happened again, and for many reasons. I couldn't sleep that night, so I settled in the tunnel a complete mess. I just remember drinking.. and drinking. Then nothing.. but I woke up in my own bed, next to Kouji as usual.

It was almost like my adventure to the park didn't happen, but I knew it did from the pounding headache I had to endure. I know to share a bottle with someone now.. or just stop drinking so much.

It was later in the day that Kouji decided to take me out. He told me he would take me wherever I wanted to go, and even I had no idea where. We ended up walking, it felt kind of good to acquire exercise. He didn't hold my hand in public, though I didn't blame him. People weren't used to seeing twins that close. However, he did walk as closely as possible.

Why do I feel disappointed?

My eyes darted down to his pants pocket.

Did he really keep that picture on him?

I remember what he said and it stuck with me.

Was he making it up?

I stared at a quaint shop across the street. It didn't look like much, but I liked that it seemed so unpopulated. Kouji guided me across the street, at one point we were so close walking together we bumped arms. I felt electricity, as his eyes met mine.

Did he feel it too?

We strolled inside to find multiple antiques, knick-knacks and anything you would guess a thrift shop might have. I spotted a wooden rocking horse and leaned in to get a better look. It almost looked handmade. Kouji found a large telescope and he peered through the lens.

"I bet you can see all the planets with that!" I smiled in awe.

"Yeah.. but the price," he muttered, eyeing a price sticker stuck on the leg of the telescope.

I lifted a golden music box off of a nearby shelf. Although it was dusty, it still worked. I opened the lid to find light music playing while two people danced slowly in circles. They looked special, maybe royal.

I glanced around the corner to see the owner of the shop engrossed in something he was reading in the newspaper.

"Creepy," Kouji grumbled seeing a few old porcelain dolls. He crossed his arms, scanning them all.

I agreed, feeling their eyes on me when I meandered around the store. We stopped by an aged loveseat, the hideous gold color had faded to a pale yellow. Golden vines swirled around the edges of the arm rest. Kouji sneered at the couch, but something caught my eye. It was a little piece of paper that laid nearby the price tag. It said 'buy me' but that wasn't what set me off.

It's just the pure fact it's a handwritten note. That's what got to me. I felt a tear run down my face. Without a single word, Kouji took my hand and lead me out of the store.