(Don't cry - sadeyes)
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Rewrote this chapter!
POV BOUNCING :)
KOUJI'S POV
Junpei guided me through the forest using his phone as a flash light. Minutes seemed to pass feeling like hours. I hated the thought of leaving my twin alone. It made me feel guilty thinking I had left him alone in the past, too. Maybe it was me acting selfishly that pushed everyone out back then. Actually, I think I still do it. I can't help it, how am I supposed to fix a problem I don't know I have?
The anxiety I felt just being away from my brother was more than enough. I took out the cigarette box from my pocket and pulled one out. I lit it with a match and mentally thanked that Kouichi didn't question this possession.
Something I thought about recently was a small conversation my twin and I had about drinking. I know he didn't want to say the word 'alcoholic' but it sounded like he had described me as one. I find it funny that he thinks that of me when he's become one, too. Maybe I shouldn't drink as much as my horrid actions always cause fights. Liquor helps my emotions, though. Kouichi understands, it wasn't as if he was asking me to quit, but I wasn't really sure what he wanted.
Actually, just by thinking of this, I couldn't wait to get my hands on another bottle. My mouth began to water at the thought. I took a big drag, almost day dreaming.
I glanced at the larger boy walking in front of me. The fact that Junpei stayed so quiet for so long had me on edge. I could only stay silent and kept in my own thoughts for so long. We passed by multiple twigs, dead leaves and so much dried bark on the ground. There were a thousand great things he could have grabbed for fueling the fire but didn't. It was hard to hold my tongue as I stopped to pick up a small branch.
"Junpei.. you've been passing everything needed.. these are good things," I spoke, waving my hand a bit childishly but I couldn't help it.
My temper took ahold of me and all I wanted to do was be back at camp.
Junpei chuckled, "..and so have you."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" My eyes narrowed at him.
"You want to talk to me," Junpei stated, "..that's why you ignored the branches and-"
"You dragged me out here, what are you talking about?" My brow furrowed, I can feel anger forming inside of me.
We both came to a halt, now facing each other.
"You could have said no, you know," Junpei crossed him arms staring intensely at me.
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms as well.
I know.. I just went with you.. because Kouichi gave me those damn eyes. I don't know why.. what is this conversation Junpei wants to have with me right now? He's going to tell me about him and Izumi now, isn't he? Kouichi told me.. maybe it's time he's told me from him own mouth.
"Why have you been so mean to Takuya lately?" He questioned, "..I mean.. you're more aggressive than usual."
"He's an idiot," I spat.
His question caught me off guard. I didn't know if this was the right way to respond. Maybe he could see through my walls. I took another hit of my cigarette almost defensively.
"He's your friend," Junpei raised his brow.
I huffed.
"Did you guys have a fight?"
"No," I said harshly.
"Nothing happened?" He turned his head to the side, studying me.
He didn't sound convinced.
I frowned deeper, "..no."
"Do you like Kouichi?" He asked with emphasis.
Fuck. I wasn't expecting that. Why would he ask me something like that? Now he's an idiot, too.
My expression wavered from bewilderment to composure.
"You can talk to me, I'm your friend," Junpei started attempting to ease my exasperation with more gentle words.
"There's nothing to talk about," I exhaled roughly turning towards the ground.
I began to search for dried wood to escape this conversation.
Junpei is crazy. I don't like him. What the hell is he thinking? Why would I like him? He's a boy.. and he's my blood. I mean, honestly, I don't think I like him. This is how twins act with each other, right? Maybe not. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Twins don't kiss.
I kind of want to cry.
"You should tell me the truth, Kouji. I've seen the way you look at him," Junpei spoke now in front of me, "..it's the same expression I used for Izumi."
I couldn't speak at first so I used the cigarette to block my mouth. My eyes stayed fixated on the ground feeling a single tear welling up.
Did I really like him? Junpei sees something, doesn't he? He sees something I can't. Was I that obvious? Is this what this is? I think.. I think I'm nauseating myself. This is something that my dad hated about me, isn't it? He saw it before I did. Well, damn it.
Junpei had actually said something that could help me out of this conversation.
I questioned, repeating a word he had stated, "..used?"
He nodded.
"Did something happened between you two?" I asked.
I could feel my chest growing heavy.
Please, change this subject. I didn't want to talk about Kouichi. How did Junpei know about my frustrations? Can he tell? Maybe I shouldn't be surprised. He has a habit of studying people..
"We're talking about you right now," Junpei's face fell.
"You first," I argued, throwing the cherry.
"Fine," Junpei smirked, "..but after, promise to tell me the truth."
Damn it.
"Fine."
KOUICHI'S POV
It's only been mere minutes since Kouji had left with Junpei and I already felt self-conscious. Maybe I shouldn't, I really didn't want him here. Takuya was a close friend but I couldn't help feeling like this after him being so bold that night. I was alone with him, again. Plus, we were both drinking. Well, him more so than me. The bottle Kouji and I shared had been mostly ingested by my twin.
"What's his problem lately?" Takuya grumbled.
"I don't know.." I whispered uncomfortably.
Everyone's acting so weird. Should I feel mad at them? I'm kind of confused.
"He's getting to be more and more of a jerk everyday. How do you deal with him?"
I shrugged. This conversation had been unbearable. I don't know why but I mentally disagreed with Takuya. Kouji is my guardian angel. Everyone has issues. Even my brother. Takuya glanced at his phone and sighed.
I peeked at him with genuine concern, "..are you really okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You looked sad. You're phone," I muttered, pointing at his cellphone with a shaky finger.
"Just stupid girls," Takuya smirked, "..don't worry."
I nodded slowly, but I still didn't understand.
"So.." Takuya tapped his knee awkwardly, "..how are you?"
"I'm okay," I replied quietly, a bit taken back from his small talk, "..um.. how are you?"
Takuya smiled, "..never better!"
I hated this small talk. We both drank out of our own bottles. I kept mine to my mouth for a bit longer, I think out of discomfort.
Why do I feel so uneasy? He's my friend. I shouldn't feel this way right now. I should feel happy he's here.. but instead.. I find myself.. missing.. Kouji. He hasn't been gone for more than five minutes.. why do I long for his return? I'm just.. dependent.
"Are you really okay?" Takuya met my eyes attempting to understand something.
"Y-yeah," I stammered, moving my eyes towards the ground.
What's he getting at now? I hate that.. the concern.. I know he cares but.. whether or not I feel like a guilty pile of garbage maybe he didn't need to know.
"Because you know.. I'm your buddy.. you can talk to me," he scooted closer, his friendly grin showing brightly, "..I bet Junpei is confiding in Kouji right now. Wouldn't doubt it."
"Really?"
"Well, yeah. Why else would he want to talk to Kouji? Honestly, I'm a little surprised he wouldn't talk to you first. You're easy as hell to talk to," he swigged the bottle as he spoke.
"I hope Junpei is okay," I mumbled.
Normally such a compliment would fluster me, but I was more worried about Junpei's mentality. I was honestly worried about everyone's mentality. I'm a little angry with myself for never doing enough for anyone. If Kouji is upset, I can help, right? If Takuya or Junpei are sad, I can lift the weight, right? My mother got sick and I didn't do anything.
"I'm sure he is," Takuya gazed at me, a soft smile showing, "..I hope you are, too."
"I am," I said quickly and quietly.
Maybe I'm not.
I returned a smile, though on the inside I was miserable and annoyed. Kouji and I were the same in that aspect of not being able to rightfully communicate actual feelings with another person. We only had a mental connection with one another that worked. I wished it did more.
"Good.." Takuya sipped again, "..you know.."
My eyes grazed his face for a second, seeing a look of tenderness.
"..I've been talking to this new girl."
"Oh?" I beamed at him.
I was waiting for him to tell me. He always had girl problems. What is it now..
"Yeah. She's.. interesting. I met her the other day at the market," Takuya reminisced, "..actually.. I've seen her in school but we never chatted."
"That's nice," I wasn't sure what to say, though I was happy for him.
Can we not talk about school? It makes me so nauseous. Everybody in the classes were mean and ignorant.
"She's really cute," Takuya smirked, "..like, model pretty."
I didn't speak, just held my small smile at him.
"She kind of looks like you, actually," he stated, his eyes never leaving mine.
"O-oh.." I began to heat up though I attempted hold back any obvious reddening.
Why did he have to do that? Maybe he's just drunk again.
"Yeah.. but.." Takuya sighed, gazing dreamily up at the night sky, "..she's kind of a bitch.. and not to mention a total air head."
"Maybe y-you should stop focusing on looks," I gulped when I spoke, nervous to speak something so blunt.
We looked at one another for a minute.
"You're right," Takuya agreed, grinning.
Surprisingly he took my statement well. I felt relief. He never took his eyes off of the stars after that. I tilted my head up to look at the moon. It made me feel warm, reminding me of someone. I wonder what Kouji is doing right now.
KOUJI'S POV
"I don't think she liked me as much as I liked her. Honestly, I think I was lying to myself," Junpei sighed defeatedly.
I kept my mouth shut, listening as Junpei spoke. I tried to understand his words, but my mind raced knowing that he saw something completely transparent within me. I'm obvious to him, aren't I? In the back of my head, I only thought about Kouichi. I hope he's okay alone right now; alone with that idiot.
Should I just run away? Do I lie to Junpei? What do I do? I hate this.
"I've had a crush on her for a long time. Everyone saw that," Junpei chuckled, though his laughter sounded dejected, "..maybe she finally got fed up with me asking her out so many times. Maybe she finally said yes to shut me up."
"Probably," I openly said, "..you're a great guy, though. She's missing out. You'll get another girl."
I grinned ever so lightly at Junpei, his face full of somber and attempted content.
"She.. uh.." Junpei rubbed his face, unable to find any words for a moment, "..she was messaging another guy."
I raised my eyebrow not expecting Izumi to act so careless.
"I was bad. I looked at her phone," Junpei admitted, "..I never said a word about it. I actually broke up with her shortly after."
"You'll be fine without her. You were for this long already," I patted him on the back, trying to offer him a reassuring smile.
My legs were tired of standing.
Junpei nodded.
"Let's go back," I demanded lightly taking a step towards the direction of the camp.
"Not so fast," Junpei pulled me back by my jacket, "..it's your turn."
I groaned.
This isn't what I want to do right now.
"Well?" Junpei nudged my shoulder with his elbow.
"What?"
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Do you like him?"
"No."
"That's a yes," Junpei wore a smug look.
I rolled my eyes, "..I said no.. open your ears."
"Open your eyes," Junpei shook his head lightly, "..even I see it."
Did he see it, really? And see what? See.. my feelings.. for my twin? What if he's right? That's disgusting, isn't it? It's weird, right? It's wrong? Wait.. if he saw.. did anyone else? That scares me.
I kept my gaze on the ground.
"It makes sense. You two do everything together.. plus you're seriously unnaturally close. At first I thought it was just a twin thing, but seeing you guys flirt and blush and everything kind of made it obvious."
Junpei's words pierced me. Now he's acting like he knows me so well but everything he's saying sounds factual.
"Did something happen?" He questioned.
I kept my heated face hidden as I spoke, "..what?"
"With Takuya.. you've been even more aggressive.. and recently, only towards him," Junpei said.
Damn, I hate how he's calling me out right now.
"Nothing happened."
"Kouji. Come on, now. I told you everything from my side, now it's your turn. You promised," Junpei crossed his arms, "..who else would you talk to about something like this?"
He's right. But how am I supposed to tell him.. anything. Damn it, what I do? Do I tell him what Takuya did? He would probably assume I'm just a bad person.. who cares what he assumes. Wait. I'm just acting like an asshole again, aren't I? It's the liquor. Damn it all. Junpei isn't going to let this go, is he? Maybe I'll tell him just to shut him up. Maybe.. maybe I just actually want to tell someone.. I think I need to get this off my chest. Junpei can keep a secret, right? Damn it. Damn it all.
I exhaled roughly, turning slowly in his direction, "..something did happen."
KOUICHI'S POV
Kouji sure is taking awhile getting wood for the fire.. I want to go after him but.. Takuya's probably right. Maybe Junpei needs space to talk to him. I should leave them alone. I'm just being selfish.
"I lost track of how many girls I've been with," Takuya laughed dumbly.
I could hear his sorrow covered up with humor.
"Maybe you should stop looking," I presumed.
Takuya huffed, "..I can't help it."
I looked at him with worry, his voice wavered slightly.
"I'm a hopeless romantic. I fall in love easily. I know.. from the outside.. I seem like a player.. but.." Takuya held his face in his hands, "..I don't know."
"There's nothing wrong with searching for your soul mate," I smiled at him, feeling twinkling in my eyes.
My face blushed a bit but I was preoccupied in handing him his bottle. He seemed a little depressed and something inside me didn't want to see a friend like that ever again.
He breathed out quickly, a grin reappearing on his face. He took the bottle and we clinked, drinking together. The bottle Kouji and I shared was now empty, remembering how Kouji could finish a bottle with ease. I set it on the ground and gazed at the fire burning. It reminded me of Kouji. The empty bottle reminded me of him. Even the moon did. Even though he had left I still felt his energy lingering close to me. This feels so weird.. what is wrong with me?
"Sorry I kissed you."
I began to flush at his words, "..it's o-okay."
Please don't bring it up anymore. I want to forget.
"But I really am sorry. People do stupid things-"
"..when they're d-drunk, I know," I finished his quote, meeting his eyes comfortingly.
I attempted another reassuring smile, but I couldn't help my cheeks lighting up obviously flustered.
"Kouichi?"
"..yes?"
"I.. hope you're okay.. like you say.." he said cheerlessly, "..I don't think you want me to bring.. her up.. but.."
I didn't speak, just darted my eyes towards the ground.
Okay, can we seriously change the subject now? This is terrible. We can talk about anything else.. but this. I know I'm a wreck but it's not something I want to voice. Then he'll know how sad I really am.
"..you can talk to me.."
I don't want to talk to you. About anything, about her. I'm sorry. I don't want to do this right now.
I fidgeted with my sleeves feeling my chest become heavier.
"It's really a whole lot.. and you're acting fine.. but I feel like you're not.."
I just want him to shut his mouth for once. I could feel my eyes watering. I understand he feels my pain.. but Kouji does, too. And he does more. And.. why am I so angry? Why am I thinking better of Kouji right now? He's just trying to help.. but here I am.. annoyed. I'm about to cry.. because of Takuya's truthful words.
"Kouichi?"
I breathed roughly, snatching the bottle from Takuya and drinking away any pain that lingered. Takuya's eyes widened as he witnessed a tear fall down my cheek.
I'm angry. It's his fault. He made me cry.
"Hey.." Takuya murmured, unsure of how to react.
I slammed the bottle down on the grass, silently cursing this night. Another tear fell as Takuya pulled me into an embrace.
You got what you wanted. Leave me alone now..
..there it is. I'm blaming everyone else again. I only have myself to blame. I'm the one at fault. My emotions can be such a burden..
"You can always talk to me.." Takuya reminded, "..I'll be a shoulder you can cry on."
I trembled lightly, feeling a few more tears escape.
This feels.. wrong. I don't get it. This feeling.. of disapproval. I think.. Kouji is always my crying shoulder. Do I need another? Why am I questioning this? Am I worthy of another? What's wrong with me? It's this alcohol causing me to think confusingly. Right? I can't blame the liquor. I'm not even that drunk. I can only blame myself right now. I feel like a disgusting pile of trash lately.
"I'm o-okay," I pushed him off of me gently.
He placed his hands in his lap, "..you don't look okay.."
Who's fault is it? Mine?
"Can we talk later?" I whispered pleadingly, longing for the conversation to end. I would say anything to stop this, even if I didn't mean it.
I'm going to explode. I'm already crying.
"Of course. Anytime," he sighed.
He took back the bottle gently and sipped, only a small amount left. Takuya swirled it around, looking defeated as he glanced at me.
I just want Kouji to come back.
Takuya gazed at me; I think he saw my facial movements begin to hinder.
I'm exploding.
"I.." I began but I didn't understand what I was saying, "..I just.."
"What is it?" Takuya frowned.
"..I'm sorry. I've been.. mentally.. w-weird.. and even more.. awkward.. I'm a bad p-person.. I tried.." the word vomit suddenly spouted. Tears ran down my face at my admission. He was so easy to talk to and I just realized it, "..I didn't d-do anything and.. I'm useless. I just feel like a lonely, unnatural, guilty.. weird ugly mess."
Takuya's eyes widened. I don't think he was expecting a book to come out of my mouth. My tears fell into my mouth as I spoke and I tasted something like a liquid salt. I used my sleeves to rub off my moist cheeks.
"Okay, you might be a mess but nothing else is true. You're not useless! You have nothing to be guilty over.. and you're so nice! Hell, I'm the weird one!" Takuya laughed, "..And you're far from alone, you've got so many friends; and me!"
I nodded but I still felt secluded.
"Plus, you're definitely not ugly. Don't say that. If Kouji heard you he would be so mad," Takuya smirked.
He's my twin.. it's like I called him ugly, isn't it?
"Stop looking so sad. You're not ugly. You're cute as hell," Takuya leaned into my face but I scooted backwards.
His words hit me as my face grew red, "..how drunk are you?"
I don't know why.. but it felt good.. to say all this.. finally.
He shrugged, "..does it matter? It's still the truth."
"O-okay," I muttered feeling my cheeks warm.
"Do you feel any better?" Takuya cocked his head to the side.
I nodded, trying to offer a smile.
"Good."
Silence. Seconds felt like hours, the only sound heard was the crackling of the fire. I wish Kouji was here.
"I don't want this night to end," Takuya smiled at me as he rest his hand on my back, "..I love it out here."
He's drunk.. just like last time..
I noticed the fire dimming and for some unknown reason I felt dismay. I sniffed a few times, trying to catch my breath. With my sleeves I wiped my eyes and face, wishing that I wasn't so sensitive.
KOUJI'S POV
I told him everything. Well, almost. I skipped some minor details, I wasn't too fond of explaining the entirety of this story. He knows I get drunk and kiss him, he knows Kouichi gets drunk and kisses me.. and he knows Takuya got drunk and kissed him, too. This wasn't easy for me to tell someone, I didn't even want to admit to myself that this is happening all for a reason. It's a reason that I hid deep down and Junpei dug out with ease.
Do I really like Kouichi? It should be wrong. But it feels right. If I really like him.. I might end up all alone. Maybe I shouldn't even be around anyone, much less my own brother.
"Wow," Junpei held back a laugh, "..I guess I'd be pretty pissed off at Takuya, too."
He gets it.
"Kouichi probably thinks I'm overreacting," I irritably groaned.
"Maybe he doesn't understand it because he doesn't know how you really feel," Junpei explained blatantly, "..you should tell him."
I shook my head and snorted mirthlessly, "..I can't."
"And why not?"
"He's.. a he.. and he's.. my brother," I said obviously, gritting my teeth.
"Kouji, stop acting like a little kid," He said sternly, "..so what? People can't help who they love sometimes.. plus, you're being even more of an asshole because you're suppressing you're emotions."
Wait. Love?
Junpei's words irked me. I hated how he spoke to me like he knew everything about me.
"No, I'm just an asshole. Always will be," I crossed my arms, my eyes challenged his.
"Yeah, but you've been an ever bigger asshole as of late," Junpei stated, "..tell him so you stop being a dick to everyone."
Damn it. He's right.
I breathed slowly, forcing myself to calm down. I kept silent, unsure if playing defensively was the best idea right now.
"Really sounds to me like I'm right. And you know it," Junpei grinned.
I glared at him.
He laughed at my scowl, "..I'm sorry, Kouji. But you're easy to read sometimes."
"Fuck you," I sneered.
He chuckled, his voice slightly teased as he spoke, "..kind of sounds like Kouichi might like you, too.."
My face turned red. I couldn't help this in the least. Junpei knew his words would embarrass me. He saw my flustered face and I think he felt bad.
"..also.. don't worry about Takuya too much. He's harmless."
I rolled my eyes harshly, my face still heated, "..sure."
"I'm serious! He has a problem with people.. moving from person to person.. but he's harmless, I'm sure," Junpei offered a reassuring face, "..a little oblivious, too."
I furrowed my brow, almost not believing what he stated. Though I thought it was hilarious we both knew Takuya was an idiot, no matter how nice he had to put it.
"l mean, what you told me kind of confirms it. I always saw him liking both women and men."
"That's supposed to make me feel better?" I grumbled.
"Nope. It's just the truth," Junpei grinned fairly, "..maybe he's a little greedy, but aren't we all?"
I shrugged, half sulking. I was ready to go and chug the rest of that bottle.
"Try not to worry so much," Junpei concluded as he grabbed a few sticks and handed them to me, "..talk to me when ever you need. I know this wasn't easy."
He's got that right.
I nodded at him, done with this conversation, "..let's go."
Thanks for the nonstop anxiety, Junpei.
Junpei followed me as I lead us back through the woods. Every other minute he would stop to grab a branch and eventually we both held enough to get the fire roaring for the whole night.
I like Kouichi? This is bad.
I gazed at the sky for a moment. The crescent shaped moon reminded me of Kouichi's smile and the twinkling stars reminded me of Kouichi's sparkling eyes. It made me nauseous to think freely of him in a way that I had subdued.
Eventually we reached the camp. The fire was so dimly lit I could barely make out the two surrounding it. Both boys glanced back at me and I could see Takuya's dumb grin as he waved us down.
What bothered me was Kouichi's watery eyes. I would assume maybe the intoxication had been the culprit of his hazy eyes but I had a feeling that he had sensibly been upset. It took all of the strength I had to hold myself back from questioning him.
Whether or not Takuya had been the cause, I still wanted to punch him.
I sat beside him as he smiled. I rested my hand on his shoulder for comfort, mildly squeezing. His eyes lit up, I'm glad that he seems happy, even though I know something had been bothering him.
I'm so nervous around him now, yet I want to be alone with him so bad.
Junpei threw a few sticks in the fire to see them catching flame. I threw another lit match into the pile and waiting for the flames to grow larger. My eyes scanned the ground seeing the empty bottle. Though I was upset, it wasn't because it I couldn't drink the rest. It was because it disappeared while I was gone.
I knew I drank most of it, though. I couldn't feel as intoxicated as I should. Junpei's words turned me sober.
"Damn, Takuya," Junpei motioned at the bottle they shared, "..I guess I need to break out the other one."
Takuya chuckled, "..no regrets here!"
Junpei laughed grabbing a new bottle out of his backpack. He swigged it before handing it to me. I couldn't help chugging it as much as my throat would allow. I felt my twins eyes on me, concerned.
"Anyone want to play a new game?" Junpei looked around the group.
"I don't think I can handle another game," Takuya rubbed his head sheepishly.
For once I kept quiet.
"Guys?" Junpei turned to both my twin and I with a questioning face.
I shook my head. I can't focus on this stupid game anymore. Not when my mind raced with a million thoughts per second.
Junpei grinned, "..alright. Just pass the bottle around."
KOUICHI'S POV
Kouji nodded taking one last swig before handing it to me. I did the same and handed it to Junpei. I moved closer to my twin, the feeling of yearning for his close presence overtook me. Our shoulders touched as he wore a small intrigued grin. Kouji wrapped his arm about my shoulders. He was so warm.
I glanced past Kouji, feeling eyes on me. Junpei watched me with a wide smile. I don't know why this made me nervous.
I'm a little disappointed in myself for saying all that to Takuya.. I want Kouji to know rather than him..
Takuya sipped the bottle and gazed up at the sky. We all followed, silently picking a star to set our eyes on. I felt Kouji's hand tighten around my arm. I rested my head on his shoulder. Takuya offered the bottle to Kouji with hesitation. He took it and gulped twice.
I like this.. the silence.. the only sound is mostly the trees swaying in the breeze. I'm calm.. everyone is so peaceful right now. I feel at peace, too. I'm so happy. I think it's because he's here with me. Even though Kouji is acting weird now.. I like it.
I'm so weird.
After awhile the group ended up quitting the bottle of liquid though it was half gone. Well, Kouji didn't want to quit. I knew he should, however. Junpei yawned loudly as I giggled hearing him exaggerate.
"I think I'm going to bed," Junpei laughed quietly, "..I'm so tired."
"I think I should, too," Takuya admitted, "..I'm falling asleep."
"Finally," Kouji barely whispered.
Luckily, only I heard him. I didn't want to witness another argument.
I nodded, wanting the same as the group. The unspoken agreement made Takuya and Junpei smile with satisfaction.
"Goodnight!" Junpei spoke as he crawled disappearing into his tents.
"Goodnight," Takuya muttered in my direction, shooting me one last look of attentiveness before following Junpei.
Kouji exhaled a bit roughly as he settled on his rear inside the darkness of our separate tent. He set his phone out in the corner as a light source. I sat beside him resting my hands on my knees. His eyes scanned me. My body language made it too obvious that I felt extremely weird. I'm happy, sad, tired, awake and anxious all at once.
"What's wrong?" Kouji lifted my chin, his finger felt so gentle on my jaw.
"I-I'm not sure," I spoke honestly.
He deserved the truth. Kouji's eyes were glazed with worry and intoxication as he stared at me.
"You were upset earlier," Kouji caressed my cheek, "..why?"
I can't. Not again.
"Um.." I laid my hand on his, pressing his warm hand against my cheek.
"What?" Kouji seemed bothered, "..was Takuya being an idiot again?"
"N-no! That's not it," I blushed, my eyes widened at his words.
Is that what he thought about so much?
"Then what is it?" Kouji softened his face from anger to understanding.
"It's.. I just.. um, I thought about mother," I mumbled, my eyes dropping to the floor.
And other things. I'll tell you.. but don't we want contentment out here? I'm sorry.
Kouji didn't say anything, but I felt his hand on my cheek begin to shake slightly. Feeling his shaking hand triggered me.
I'm so selfish.
"I n-never once asked if you were okay. You must h-hate me. I'm sorry," I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks and onto his hand.
I'm so, so, so selfish.
I think my honesty surprised him, he sighed and shook his head.
"I'm okay when you're okay," he hugged me without stopping. I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not but the way he embraced made me feel like everything is alright in the world. His fingers intertwined into my hair, "..I could never hate you."
"Okay.. I'm o-okay," I muttered into his jacket, attempting to stop the flow of tears.
He's okay when I'm okay? Well.. I'll be okay, then.
He whispered, "..thank you."
I flushed deeply, glad my reddened face had been buried into his shoulder.
•••
Later that same night, I lied restlessly in the tent next to my twin. He breathed somewhat harshly, dreaming about something. I watched as his chest moved up and down. I wanted to wake him up, but I couldn't bring myself to. Usually we slept in different positions cuddling closely but tonight he had fallen asleep only holding my hand.
I couldn't place a finger on why I couldn't sleep. My mind wasn't racing and I wasn't upset. My eyes wouldn't close and I wouldn't sit still. I loosened his grip from my hand, sitting up beside him. Kouji slept stiffly, yet stirring and situating on his side. He moved his hand slightly and it made me feel guilty. I pushed a pillow towards him, holding back a giggle as he began to hold it close. I took it as my chance to leave the tent.
I just wanted to see the stars again.
I poked my head out of the tent front, seeing a nonexistent fire. The light from the moon shown brightly, a figure lied down on the sheet, his arms behind his head acting like pillow. As I crawled out of the tent I saw that figure had been a certain brunette.