(Jaded-Sadeyes)

Rewrote this chapter

KOUICHI'S POV

Takuya turned his head towards me, his eyes held bitter wonder, "..hey."

Maybe I should have stayed in bed.

"Hi," I greeted quietly, uneasily situating onto the sheet next to him.

The cards Junpei had left behind were sprawled out next to a few empty bottles.

Why am I thinking so negatively? He's my friend. I shouldn't have to keep telling myself that. I shouldn't feel negative in the least towards him. If I feel like I could do more, why wouldn't I?

Takuya kept his gaze only on me as he spoke, "..well.. I'm guessing you can't sleep."

I smiled awkwardly but politely, "..I'm guessing you can't either."

"Yeah.." Takuya muttered half heartedly, sighing.

His eyes slowly drifted towards the sky once more.

He looks.. sad. Is it me? Maybe I should leave him alone..

"Something on your mind?" I tried to keep my voice down as I asked, not wanting anyone to wake up.

We looked at each other for a second and there was a mutual curiosity. His eyes were intensely glazed. I could tell he was drunk.

Still..? Is he really still drinking? It's so late..

"Nope," He grinned, "..you?"

"Nope," I mocked, jokingly.

Takuya chuckled but I could hear his sorrow. He stayed silent for a few minutes, sitting up next to me, but then suddenly groaned, "..I just can't sleep. I feel tired.. yet, I'm awake."

..I feel the same way. He's not alone.

He shrugged as he spoke the last few words. I frowned, unsure of how to make the situation any better. Takuya dropped his eyes to the empty bottles and grinned with satisfaction. He pulled a travel sized plastic bottle out of his pocket and offered it to me.

"Let's drink 'til we fall asleep," Takuya beamed.

I forced a smile at him taking the bottle. His words were a bit foreseeable, though I still felt shocked. I didn't want to entertain Takuya's possible addiction issues but I couldn't help myself. I loved alcohol more than he knew. I took a sip and immediately felt my stomach start to burn. I've grown accustomed to the pain, however. I think Kouji told me I would get used to this. He's right.

"I've been thinking about getting a job."

I turned my head to him, somewhat interested in his strange words, "..oh?"

"Yeah. Honestly I'm tired of my family breathing down my neck. I'm ready for a change," he said, nodding to himself.

I should probably get a job, too.. we're not kids anymore..but Takuya.. I'm so jealous of him. I think he's lucky. He wants a job to get away from his family.. but I wanted a job.. to help my mother. Now it's not like that for me, but still..

I sighed, "..a job where?"

"Hell, if I know," Takuya laughed, slurring a bit, "..but I do actually like cooking a lot. Maybe I'll get a job in a restaurant."

"That's really cool! You should, I bet you'll do great," I said genuinely, wearing an encouraging smile.

For a split second I think I saw Takuya's cheeks redden. It was hard to tell as he lowered his face, his hair covering the majority of his cheeks. I handed him the bottle almost as a reassuring message. He grasped it, his eyes finally looking back at me. I could see his red and intoxicated face clearly now.

"I'll do my best," Takuya bowed his head formally.

Maybe he was joking, but still my face fell very slightly as he did this. I didn't want him to think of me as a superior, or anything besides his equal. Actually, thinking like this, maybe I should be considered inferior. After all, he's different. A good different. Better than I am.

He took a small sip and slowly lowered it from his lips. I watched him look sullen, hesitating to speak. His inebriated state caused him to slur his words again.

"Kouichi.."

I gulped, his tone made me nervous, "..yes?"

"I need to ask you something."

"W-what is it?"

"I lied. Something.. has been on my mind," he looked me in the eyes with severity.

"Oh?" The way he spoke sent shivers down my spine, "..what?"

"Did you tell him?"

"What?" I questioned nervously, but it wasn't like I had no idea what he was talking about. This specific situation was something I wanted to forget about.

"What I did?" Takuya frowned regretfully.

"Um.."

"Did you tell Kouji I kissed you?" He whispered lightly and secretively, glancing at the tent Kouji slept in.

"No," I blurted.

I didn't mean to lie, but I couldn't tell him the truth of the matter. It might cause a possible scene. I can't keep secrets from my twin, maybe he should know that. It's extremely difficult. Am I wrong? My cheeks felt like they were on fire.

"You swear?" The intensity in his eyes were intimidating.

"Of course.." I spoke quietly.

I couldn't believe my own words, could he?

"He would hate me if you did," he said defeatedly.

"No, he wouldn't. He's just.." I muttered in disagreement.

My eyebrows furrowed together, trying to make sense of Kouji's actions towards Takuya. Even my own twin had me confused, no matter how close mentally we had been.

"You don't have to try to make me feel better. I know he would hate me."

"What? Why?" I pouted as Takuya crossed his arms in recognition.

"He likes you, obviously. I saw that night-"

"No.. he just d-does stupid things when he's drunk. You do, too. It h-happens," I kept my voice down as low as I could as I spoke, I practically whispered.

I didn't want anyone to hear this dumb conversation I was having with a drunk. The last thing I needed was more attention. My face flushed deeply and I felt my body grow hot. I tried to keep my face hidden.

Kouji likes me? That's hilarious.

"Well, yeah, but.." Takuya trailed off.

We both grew extraordinarily quiet. I don't think we could think of anything more to say to each other. In fact, only possible attraction raced in my own mind.

Kouji would never like someone like me. He deserves way better. A model-looking girl, just like Takuya goes after. Plus, I'm a boy. I'm.. there's just no way. Takuya doesn't understand.. Kouji is just.. he's a little messed up in the head... with what he's been through, who wouldn't be?

I suddenly heard a noise coming from behind me. I turned back, eyes widened only for a moment to see Kouji popping his head out of the tent. I lost my breath setting my eyes on the one person in my fanatical thoughts.

KOUJI'S POV

I ended up falling asleep from mental exhaustion yet I kept stirring in my sleep. I didn't have nightmares but I constantly dreamed. I can't recall what they were consisting of, I just know they left me with an unbearable feeling and I was ridiculously uncomfortable. Not feeling any warmth beside me compelled me to get up. I scowled at the pillow I held close to me, the only thing running through my mind is my twin's whereabouts.

I heard quiet murmurs from outside, but I couldn't make out if they were actual words. I waited a moment, hoping to understand anything but I sadly couldn't. I peered out of the tent to see not one but two boys. My heart sank a bit, attempting to keep my cool. I had to remember Junpei's words. I can't let my own frustrations take over every single situation. Even seeing Takuya by himself made my blood boil but now he had been alone and next to my twin.. it's a whole different story.

Be calm.

Kouichi looked back at me with skittish, doe eyes, his cheeks were nearly glowing in the dark. The idiot also stared at me, but with a dumber look on his face than normal. Takuya held a small bottle that I didn't mean to gawk at. I did my best to keep composed though I was frozen in place. I hesitated to descend back inside the tent. I didn't know if I was interrupting anything if I were to sit next to them.

Wait.. interrupting anything? Like I care.

Takuya patted the spot next to him. No matter how inviting, he was still an idiot to me.

"K-Kouji, come over here," Kouichi smiled shyly at me, "..can't s-sleep, either?"

I sighed lightly, uneasy at hearing his stammering. He seemed highly strung. I settled down next to my brother, the alcohol apparently still lingered within me, feeling a warmth sloshing around my stomach as I moved. I experienced my body heat up the closer I got to my twin.

Kouichi was in the middle of Takuya and I. Usually this sort of thing wouldn't get by me. I let it slide just now and I kind of regretted it. However I knew I had to be more trusting of them. No matter how much I didn't want to..

Just remember what Junpei said.

I think they both could tell I seemed bothered by the look on my face.

"Are you okay?" Kouichi muttered.

I cursed my eyes for gazing at his pink lips.

"Yeah. Bad dream," I half-lied.

I didn't necessarily want to open up to anyone about the issues I just acknowledged.

"Want to talk about it?" Takuya grinned, leaning towards me.

He sipped his small bottle, that ignorant look never leaving his face. I shook my head in response to him but also holding back the urge to punch him right then and there.

Why would I open up to the idiot? ..and why would I dare to say any kind of truth to Kouichi? It's insane. But.. it's my own fault I'm acting like this, right? I'm making it worse. That's what Junpei had said. I'm acting out because of my own excruciating secrets.

I felt shaky and clammy. My toes and fingers fidgeted. A mixture of anxiety and rage built up inside of me. I think Kouichi sensed it because he laid his hand on my knee. I glanced at him, though I could feel my expression was obviously distressed.

Takuya stayed silent and unmoving, I think he felt my aggravation radiating more and more with every second.

"Do y-you.. um.." Kouichi began to stutter but quickly regained his composure, "..want to go for a walk.."

I nodded to him, abruptly standing.

Finally. Maybe Junpei's right. Everyone's a little greedy.. including me. I just wanted to be alone with him, even for a second. Earlier in the tent wasn't enough. I never had enough time with him. I want him all to myself until the end of my life. I'm selfish, I know. I don't care. Screw it.

I held my hand out to my twin. I saw his nurturing smile appear as I helped him up. His expression was enough to live off of for eternity. Kouichi whispered a small 'I'll be back soon' to Takuya. I inwardly groaned hearing this. I grit my teeth feeling Takuya eyes glued on my back. I had no sympathy for the brunette as I gripped my twins hand and lead him into the woods.

Kouichi didn't make an attempt to let go of my hand, in fact I felt his grip tighten as he progressed through the trees. His gentle clutch fulfilled whatever emptiness I held in my chest.

The minutes of silence between us had been filled with a mixture of contentment and consternation. The sounds of leaves crunching beneath our feet as we made our way past a few trees reminded me of insanely listening to the infuriating sounds of a clock. Something washed over me, it was apprehensive, but also some kind of euphoria. It wasn't anything new. I only felt this way when he was around, though.

"Kouji?" He tugged on my hand delicately.

"Yeah?" I stopped walking and turned to him tenderly.

"You're sad.." he mumbled, almost factually, "..the dream upset you? ..what was it?"

"Nothing. I'm okay now," I attempted to dispel his suspicions.

I don't think it worked.

"But.. you looked really bothered.. will you tell me?" Kouichi wore a childlike face as he requested gloomily.

What's wrong with me? Ever since Junpei made me realize I can't get these stupid thoughts out of my head. When I woke up and only found a pillow, I was so angry. I just wanted Kouichi with me. When I saw those two together I couldn't help being even more enraged. I didn't mean to act so harshly, I almost wanted to grab him and leave. Takuya's right, I'm just an asshole.

I bit my lip in frustration, feeling as if I was going crazy. I'd never be able to tell him the truth. The full truth and nothing but the truth.. no holding back anymore. I need to recognize myself and these damn feelings. I need to be honest with myself and stop refusing to acknowledge these emotions.

Truth is.. my attraction to you is ethereal. You're innocence and melancholy drives me wild. I want you and only you around. I'm just a wreck and you fixed me. You make the loneliness and anger subside. I can go to hell and be content knowing you're with me. Your eyes put me in a better place and your words are a spell I require deeply to stay alive. I may be sad, but you make my sky a lighter shade of blue. You're the antidepressant I needed. You're the motivation I longed for. I think the world of you. I wish you thought the same of me. I wish I was everything you needed. I would move any damn mountain for you. I don't want to waste your time, I just want to give you all of mine. You complete me. Everything you do is so damn perfect.

I'm so attached it's fucking disgusting.

Everything is insanely true. I finally came to terms with everything, no matter how ridiculous I sounded in my head. It's almost disgraceful. Thinking like this reminds me of the horrendous words my dad spoke. He had been right about at least one thing.

Junpei really woke me up, shielding me from whatever had blinded me in the first place. I realized how oblivious I had really been about everything. He broke a wall that I had built. Denial is a curse I had put myself in.

Tell him.

That's all I could think.

But.. If I tell him.. he might hate me.

"Kouji?"

That single word broke me out of a trance. I shook my head and pulled a miniature bottle out of my pants pocket. Takuya had the right idea with the little bottle. At least, that's one good thing that came from him coming on this damned trip.

I can't believe I'm thinking like this. Damn it. I'm sickening.

I chugged the entire bottle immorally and threw it as he flinched at my vicious actions.

"What's w-wrong? What was the dream?" He spoke worriedly.

You.

I dreamt of you.

I remember now. Damn it.

"I can't remember," I swallowed tensely, completely rattled at my own corrupt thoughts.

"Will you tell me when you do?" He pouted, his eyes sparkled with tears not yet fallen.

I knew it was my aura and body language that caused him to feel so unsettled.

I breathed harshly, forcing myself to turn away from his concern and sincerity, "..yeah."

Kouichi blinked, "..you're really acting weird. What's really wrong?"

Fuck. This is awkward. I can't even act normal right now. He sees it. Maybe I should be alone.. but I'm truly despondent without him beside me.

I exhaled roughly, "..I'll tell you later."

I just want to be next to you. Is that wrong?

He seemed to surrender, the watery eyes had cleared. Even if I had been victorious, I still felt like I had lost.

"Okay.." He smiled kindly, holding his pinky out to me, "..promise?"

I reluctantly wrapped my finger around his, "..promise."

An uncontrollable grin showed and I wrestled with his hair softly, feeling the silky strands between my fingers. He returned to his normal, smiling self. Something wrenched and twisted inside of me.

I want to tell you everything. I just can't. Why don't you just know? You're my twin, don't we have a sixth sense? Do I have a reason to be so angry with you? No. I'm just angry with myself. I can't expect you to know everything.. I'm sorry.

Inevitable tears began to accumulate in my torn eyes.

"K-Kouji.. are you.. crying?" Kouichi mumbled.

He bit his lower lip nervously but enticingly.

I feel so corrupt.

I withdrew my eyes and took his hand once more, "..no. I'm fine. Let's go for a walk."

"Oh," Kouichi barely spoke.

His voice sounded intensely unsatisfied, though he didn't pry any longer.

I began to bring us to a steady pace holding onto his hand a bit tighter than I had before. I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to latch on so securely. I just wanted him to stay, but I wondered if my grip hurt his fragile hand. I forced my tears to stay hidden and nothing fell. Kouichi trailed behind me. I wasn't sure why, but I felt he was disturbed.. maybe it was just me being around him that made him this way. After all, just because I think so highly of him, why would he think the same of me?

"Kouji.."

"Yeah?" My voice was hoarse.

"..do you.. hate camping?"

"Why do you ask that?" I didn't look at him, just kept my eyes ahead.

"You don't.. seem to be having.. any fun," his voice wavered.

I have fun when I'm just with you. I just want to be alone with you. Is that wrong, too?

"I'm okay."

"Don't lie to me," Kouichi's voice changed to challenging and grim suddenly.

I discontinued any walking, swallowing hard at the lump in my throat. My breathing hitched, turning and bringing him into an embrace. I retained any trembles but I felt my chest ache with secretive torment. I feel like utter shit knowing I made him angry.

I just want to stay this way... for as long as I can.

"K-Kouji?" He peeped, puzzled at my quick actions.

He brought his hands up to the back of my shoulders by reflex.

"I'm sorry," I pressed his head into my chest.

My heart palpitated speedily feeling his body close to mine.

"Your heart.." he started, speaking quietly into my shirt, "..is b-beating fast."

"It's probably you," I spoke truthfully and unwillingly.

My mouth had a mind of its own. I kicked myself mentally for speaking such a thing. That's all the truth I would probably ever give him.

"O-oh.." he whispered in a bewildered state.

I could feel the heat radiating from his cheeks through my shirt and onto my chest. I don't know why but it made me feel accomplished to see him so flustered.

"Sorry.." I felt embarrassed, but I couldn't stop hugging him.

I can't stop apologizing to him.

"It's o-okay," he stuttered, sinking into my grip.

"Sorry, I drank it all," I spoke lowly.

"You should drink m-more water," he mumbled into me.

I can't remember the last time I did such a thing.

I frowned, repeating the same word, "..sorry."

"It's alright.. you p-probably just needed the alcohol."

I sighed to myself.

You have no idea..

•••

I remember going back to camp seeing no brunette in sight. My guess is that he had gone back to his tent. Kouichi guided me to our own bed, he held his hands out a bit childishly as I closed the opening of the tent. He snuggled into me once more as I settled next to him. He was a giant ball of warmth with the face of an angel that grasped onto me almost desperately. I only recall feeling peace of mind as I fell asleep listening to his light breathing.

Later I woke up gazing at my twin. He looked so innocent curled in a fetal position and panting softly. The way he laid his hand on my pillow as if to cuddle it made my heart throb. I was about to leave when he moved his hand a bit as he slept. His fingers reached slightly, yearning for something.. or someone. I really wanted to succumb to his subconscious wants. I ripped off my jacket and placed it next to him. He gently grasped it, bringing it to his face. A modest smile crossed his face. Something about this made me feel so good.

The black T-shirt I wore was a little loose on me, I could feel a breeze on my collarbone as I stepped outside. That part was normally heated and suddenly I missed the feeling of Kouichi's warm breath. Takuya sat by the scorched fire pit drinking a water bottle.

Great. The last person I wanted to see right now.

He grumbled at me, "..morning."

"You look like shit," I said honestly.

I wanted to laugh but I held myself back from doing so.

"I feel like shit, too," Takuya hid his eyes from the sun, squinting up at me.

Junpei snickered as he rummaged through his bag, "..Takuya drank too much."

Takuya confirmed with a groan.

I took a fresh water bottle that Junpei handed me and sipped, remembering what Kouichi told me.

I'm doing it. I'm drinking water for you. Are you proud?

"Maybe I should go back to bed," Takuya mumbled

"Be my guest," Junpei laughed, motioning towards the tent.

Please, do.

I sighed, scanning the surrounding woods. This area seemed so foreign in the daylight.

"Is Kouichi asleep still?" Takuya questioned.

Junpei raised his eyebrows.

My eyes shot daggers at him, "..yes."

"Sleepin' buddy," Takuya mumbled and rubbed his face, his words almost begging as he began to crawl towards tent my brother slept in. It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

I moved In front of Kouichi's tent entrance and sneered. Luckily, Junpei spoke, and it's a good thing, too. I seriously would have punched him this time.

"Just go back to the other tent to sleep," Junpei chuckled, "..you'll just wake him up if you go in there."

"But.. I'm cold," Takuya disappointedly sighed, "..and I have a headache."

"You're giving me a headache," I snapped, "..get a blanket, idiot."

Junpei shook his head and ushered Takuya back into his own tent. He stopped and turned to Junpei, "..wait, Junpei.. aren't we leaving today?"

"Yeah. We are. Kouichi wants to stay out here another night with his brother," Junpei told Takuya.

Wait, what?

Takuya frowned, "..oh. So.."

"So, sweet dreams," Junpei grinned as Takuya disappeared into his tent glowering.

I stared at Junpei wondering when he had talked to my brother.

He answered me without me having to question, "..I kind of just guessed you guys needed space.. you're welcome."

"Thanks.." I grinned lightly at him.

"Just message me when you're ready to go home. I can always come back. I'm off by noon tomorrow."

I nodded. I'm amazed Junpei has been so good to me. I don't deserve it. I'm so grateful.

"Just don't get lost out here," he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes.

I kind of want to.

"Old anpan?" He offered a bun.

I shook my head, feeling a bit queasy at the thought of ingesting an expired sweet, especially early in the morning.

He shrugged, "..suit yourself."

"Junpei.."

He looked at me with a mouth full, "..hm?"

"..nothing," I murmured.

I wanted to say more to him, but I couldn't find words. I was just in his debt. I turned back towards the tent my twin slept in, an intolerable ache came over me.

"Go," Junpei laughed, wiggling his eyebrows, "..I need some peace and quiet anyway. I had to deal with Takuya's groaning all morning."

Normally I'd be a little annoyed being bossed around but this time I actually wanted to go back. I missed my twin. I gave Junpei one last nod of silent appreciation before creeping into my tent and zipping up the front. I wish it had a legit lock. I gazed at my brother asleep and nestling my jacket closer to his face, covering his nose. Something about it electrified me.

It's funny.. how can he breathe?

I flushed lightly as his eyes fluttered open, feeling my staring hadn't gone unnoticed. He smiled tiredly and held his hand out. My fingers intertwined his; the greatest feeling in the world was watching him enjoy every second of my attention. I returned his grin and lied down next to him. He traded my jacket for my shoulder and whimpered quietly. I grasped his hand with mine tightly and held it on my chest. My heart was pounding so hard, I know he could feel and hear it.

Do you.. hear it? My stupid heart? It's all your fault, Kouichi.

Before I knew it he fell asleep again. I lied next to him for awhile unable to drift off. My heartbeat kept me awake and any calmness I held in me had left. Everything about him began to torture me. With every warm touch and serene breath, I hated myself even more. I just want to stay this way forever and I know we can't.

He doesn't know.. how much I really give a shit.. about him and about this.. I'm.. I'm not scared of anything.. but for some reason.. not being able to predict his reaction terrifies the hell out of me.. maybe.. maybe I'm the coward here.