(Shaky hands-qawi kamri, Guardin)

:)

KOUJI'S POV

This anxiety has been unbelievably too much to handle lately. I never wanted to fall asleep again. When I had nightmares in the past it had always been extremely horrific things I would never tell anyone. Bloodshed, crime, destruction and malicious intent.. anyone would think I'm psychotic if I admitted any of those details.

However these last two dreams were hyper-realistic and calming. Yearning for something I couldn't have when I woke, but false peace and content embodied me within these dreams. I would dream about Kouichi and the little things he does that I hold so dear and cherish. Cooking in this pastel apron, surprising me by doing my laundry, the smell of his freshly washed and fragranced shampooed hair, just walking by his side holding hands, and even his divine smile. I didn't realize how smitten I had been with so many things.

There was even a moment in my dream where I think his face got a little too close to mine and I was forced to wake up. My heart always feels like it's about to jump out of my chest and I always perspire from tension. This made me feel impure.. like what my dad said; disgusting faggot.

It was a little later in the afternoon when we finally crawled out of the tent. Junpei and Takuya were gone and as was their actual tent. His cards and the sheets still laid by the unlit fire. The air felt cool, but the sun was warm. I was comfortable in a T-shirt, I wish Kouichi could be. I know he would never where short sleeves again.

"Did they leave?" Kouichi questioned.

I checked my phone to see a message sent by Junpei over an hour ago. All he said was 'enjoy'. Half of me wanted to roll my eyes but the other half was extremely grateful. Kouichi glanced at me and my phone as I put it away.

"Junpei said he had to go. Takuya went with him. He'll come get us tomorrow. Don't worry," I answered as Kouichi smiled.

"Another night out here?" My brother beamed, "..sounds amazing."

I handed him the water bottle I had from earlier. Junpei had left his backpack by the tent so I looked through it finding some water, liquor and snacks. I mentally thanked him.

I'm so tired. I couldn't even sleep.

"Hungry?" I asked, watching my twin as he sipped the water.

"Not really," he said as he screwed on the lid.

I didn't mind looking at him, noticing all his soft and enticing features. His messy hair and wrinkled hoodie still looked so attractive to me. I didn't realized I had fixated on him for so long because he began to stare back.

"W-what?" Kouichi frowned, his eyes darted to his clothes and up at his bangs, "..sorry. I didn't bring a comb."

I couldn't help but smile, stepping close to him. I placed a small kiss on his forehead. Any nervousness I felt had been replaced with fearlessness. I can't explain this, I just have my ups and downs. He didn't question my actions, but I did notice him start to redden.

Junpei really helped me so much even if I didn't really know. At first I didn't want anyone to come camping with us but I'm actually very thankful Junpei actually came along. He doesn't know how trapped I had made myself and how much he helped me out. My only problem now was telling Kouichi the truth. That's the biggest problem I would ever face. That was also the one thing I never wanted to speak of, unsure of his response. He might not ever want me around him again. That would kill me.

The majority of the daylight was spent with each other. We would share a snack every now and then, take short walks while holding hands and even settled down back in bed just gazing at each others presence. I sensed he needed me, and it made me feel amazing. When we lied in bed facing each other we didn't speak. Our eyes said a speech of happiness, his rosy cheeks would appear and it would cause me to smile widely. I held his hand in mine, our fingers danced in each others palms.

One of the times we ended up taking a walk I couldn't help myself stare at him. His hair fell along the sides of his face perfectly. I kept my pace steady and stood as close to him as possible. I held his hand in mine, with my other hand I gently pushed his bangs from his eyes. I think it's the way I looked at him that made him blush so deeply. It's just an unknown force that caused me to act so different around him.

He had asked me about my unsettlement yesterday, I just shrugged it off. Later, is what I told him. I just wanted to enjoy this time with you without this stress.

I only have one travel sized bottle and the large one Junpei had left. Sometimes I would swig the small bottle and offer it to my brother. He took it only if I took the water bottle he offered in return. I felt on top of the world knowing he cared so much. The small bottle of alcohol didn't do much to me, and probably little to nothing to Kouichi as well. All it had been was medicine, as if I even needed it. I had Kouichi here. Maybe it was just liquid courage, now that I came to terms with everything I can be extremely nervous when I'm alone with him.

Usually, at times like this, my stupidity and intoxication would show and I would actually kiss him. Now that I know my reasoning, I couldn't bring myself to get within a few inches of his face without freezing up.

Every once in awhile he would mutter something to me like how happy he was to be out here. As if I didn't already know this, I was, too. When dusk came it was time to rebuild the fire. Kouichi helped me find twigs and anything else to fuel the fire. I thought it was a good idea to open the large bottle as we did this. He looked at me a bit dumbfounded as he offered me a water bottle. This humored me as I handed him the bottle. I threw two lit matches into the fire and watched the flames start.

Though I did quit smoking for my brother, I couldn't help but really want anything in my lungs at that moment. I just wanted anything to calm me down. Nothing compared to how nervous I had been sitting next to him currently, although my confidence protruded first. I took the bottle and sipped the liquid courage.

"I want a job."

His voice took me by surprise but I didn't let it show.

"Yeah?" I spoke, feeling a little guilty on the inside.

I hated the thought of getting jobs and being separated for so long.

"Yeah.." he smiled, "..I want to search for one soon. It might be good for me."

"If you say so.." I said, patting him on the head.

He pouted, "..you don't think so?"

I'm being selfish again.

"..I do," I agreed even though I didn't want to believe it.

I looked away from him, watching the flames. My hands gripped the bottle in my lap. The sun setting had blanketed the area around us into a golden oasis.

Things were easier when I was a baby. It was nice not being able to retain conscious thoughts. I hate being an adult.

"I wish we could stay here forever," Kouichi muttered, beaming at me.

We?

"Me, too," I smirked, "..it's nice out here. Especially without the loud-mouth."

Kouichi blinked, "..do you.. hate Takuya?"

I laughed nervously.

Damn.. what kind of question is that? I don't know how I feel about him anymore.

"He thinks y-you do," he mumbled.

Good..

"Does he know?" I furrowed my brow, "..that I know?"

Kouichi shook his head, "..I didn't tell him. But you can be so mean to him."

I huffed, "..he deserves it."

"Kouji," he scolded, unsure of what to say next.

I sighed and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, "..sorry. I just.. hate people."

"He's our friend, though," Kouichi reminded.

I frowned, "..friends don't kiss friends."

"O-okay, let's talk about s-something else," Kouichi stammered, his cheeks began to grow pink.

Sorry, Kouichi. I know I'm a little much sometimes. I can't stop.

"Want to.. play a game?" Kouichi turned his head to the side, "..that's always what Junpei suggests."

I hummed, "..what game?"

"I don't know. We're just two people.." he thought for a moment before speaking, "..um.. truth or dare?"

We don't need a game, Kouichi.. You can ask me any question or demand me to do anything and I'd do it for you..

"Maybe.." I raised my eyebrows, "..or you can just ask me anything. What's on your mind?"

"Do you remember the dream now?"

Any other question, please. Not that one..

I sighed, "..no."

"Oh."

"Sorry," I chuckled, attempting to make him feel better, "..I probably just woke up grumpy. I'm okay, trust me."

"Okay.." he studied my face before giving up and smiling, "..You're turn! Ask me something."

There's so many questions I want to ask you but I just can't. Am I your favorite person in the entire world? Are you ever going to leave my side? Do you think you can ever like me.. as much as I like you?

"What's your favorite color?" I joked.

Kouichi squinted his eyes, "..you already know."

"Yeah. It's blue.." I trailed off trying to think of a better question.

The only things that came to my mind were questions I'd never be able to actually voice.

"Yup," Kouichi smiled.

"..so.. why?" I asked, turning to my twin a bit deviously, "..why blue?"

"Um.." Kouichi grew quiet for a second, "..it reminds me of the night sky. Makes me feel calm."

"Nice answer," I teased.

Kouichi grinned at me and brought his knees to his chest, resting his chin, "..what about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah. I know you like black."

I chuckled, almost not wanting to give an honest answer.

"What is it? Your reason?" He blinked.

His big eyes killed me.

"The same reason you have," I sighed, giving him a slight smirk.

Black reminds me of your hair.. the night sky.. reminds me of your eyes.. it's my medicine.

"Oh.." he didn't sound fulfilled.

I watched as he stared at the fire. I poked the branches burning with a stick before throwing it into the pile.

"Do you really keep my drawing in your pocket?" He asked abruptly.

Yeah.. damn. He's brave as hell tonight.

"Whatever answer makes you feel better," I rolled my eyes playfully, forcing my cheeks to stay a solid skin color.

Kouichi goggled at me with big doe eyes, something in the way his eyes sparkled from the fire caused my heart to skip.

"So.. Junpei talked to you last night?" He asked, though it didn't sound like a question.

I hadn't expected his interrogation, "... uh.. I guess..."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing much.." I gulped silently.

I feel so awkward.

"He didn't say anything about Izumi?"

I'm so stupid. That's what he's asking about.. I'm so relieved.

"Oh, yeah actually.." I breathed.

"What did you think I was talking about?" Kouichi blinked.

"Um, nothing.." I said, turning to my twin, "..Junpei did say why they broke up though."

"Oh, why?"

"I guess Izumi cheated or something."

He gloomed, successfully distracted, "..or something?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. Junpei's okay."

"I'm glad," he smiled.

There's that face again. I love it so much I think I'm going to hell.

•••

It was much later in the night. The bottle was one sip away from being empty. Finally the alcohol did something to me, I haven't felt this way since before Junpei spoke to me last night. Intoxication is my second favorite feeling. I think the first is probably the high I get from being around my twin.

We sat by the fire, I think exhaustion began to creep up on me since I could barely sleep last night. Usually I didn't have a problem staying up without sleep but I guess it was the atmosphere that made me want to slumber exceptionally.

I felt my brothers eyes on me for longer than a minute. I almost didn't want to meet his eyes because my heart needed a break from all the palpitations. I couldn't help it, I looked. He appeared to be concerned, his face flushed from the alcohol. I softened my face at him, but it was difficult because on the inside I felt judged by his eyes.

"Kouji, you're acting different."

"What makes you say that?" I said, failing to ignore the fact he was correct.

"I don't know," he muttered, his gaze still glued to me. "..you're just-"

Stop looking at me with those eyes.

"I promise I'm fine," I shot him a reassuring grin.

"Really?" His voice didn't sound persuaded.

"Yeah. I'm no different," I stated, though he seemed unsatisfied at my first response. I spoke again, "..Except I'm happier now. I get to be alone."

"Should I be here?" He frowned.

"You're the only one I need," I smirked at him as he blushed.

That was the face I wanted to see.

Usually I get drunk and try to kiss him.. I have multiple times in past .. ever since Junpei helped me come to terms with my own feelings I just can't do it anymore. At least not today. I'm so scared. Petrified. Kouichi said he didn't mind.. which still runs through my head. Was he just talking to me? Was it in general? I really wish I knew.

"I wish I brought Mori," he said suddenly, pouting.

"Why?" I asked, watching my twins eyes glimmer as he spoke.

Kouichi smiled widely, "..why not? Hes snuggly and warm. Soft and big. Honestly I'd rather him be my pillow!"

I hate to say it but I think I'm jealous of that stuffed animal. I mean, I could be the pillow..

"We'll go back soon enough," I shook my head.

I hated my thoughts.

"I don't want to," he mumbled, sadly.

"Me neither," I sighed.

"Let's stay out here forever," he looked dreamily at the sky.

"Anything you want," I couldn't help speaking huskily.

He blushed again, and I felt victorious knowing I was the cause.

I just want to kiss him right now. I hate to say it but I kind of miss not knowing my true feelings and feeling free and selfish. Now I'm just a nervous wreck around him. Sometimes I spilt stupid sentences and words out that made him blush and at first I hated myself for it. But I loved that face so much. Maybe that's the only thing I could do anymore.

Maybe I just need more alcohol.

I swigged the last of the alcohol and sighed at the empty bottle before us. We had nothing left, though I didn't feel as intoxicated as I should be. Around Kouichi I felt extremely drunk, though. It was a very weird feeling.

KOUICHI'S POV

I don't know what to think anymore. Kouji could be so demonstrative with me. I didn't mind his fondness of me, in fact it was nice. Any affection he showed me I began to get used to. I told him I didn't mind, I wonder if he understood what I meant.

I would never tell him but I crave his attention extremely. Maybe it wasn't right but it feels so good. When he kissed me for the first time that night, I freaked out as he did. Kouji ended up leaving that night, yet I didn't want him to. I wanted him to stay with me. I don't know what this all means but it could be extreme dependency.

Last night after Junpei talked to him he began to act somewhat different. I couldn't put my finger on it. He was more affectionate and less aggressive. I think it was Junpei talking to him about Izumi that might have made him realize life is a little too short to be angry. Honestly that's one thing I need to learn, too. I know I can be a mess sometimes, it's something that's stuck with me ever since I could remember. This year it's weird.. different. Since my mother's passing I figured I'd be worse than I used to be.. but I'm not. Is this growing up? I'm only eighteen yet I feel like a hundred. I wonder if Kouji feels like that, too...

..Maybe I should ask him.

"Kouji?"

"Yeah?"

There he goes again using that prepossessing face. I could tell by his eyes I had his full attention, though I almost didn't want it. I needed it. I craved it.

"Do you feel old?" I asked.

It's a dumb question, I think. Well, I know. We are not old.. I knew this. But.. I feel aged and acute..

He laughed, the sound this charmed me, "..what kind of question is that?"

"A serious one.." I pouted, "..I just.."

"What is it?" His face softened, yet there was still a hint of a smirk.

"..I don't feel like I used to a year ago."

How did I feel a year ago? Uninterested and depressed. That sounds right.

"I don't, either," he admitted with a smile, "..is that a good thing for you?"

"I think."

Why do I hesitate? I don't know anymore. I still feel lethargic. Maybe a little unbalanced.

"I don't think we're old," Kouji began, "..just older."

"Oh.." I felt discontented.

"Maybe a little wiser, too," he gripped my hand in his, ".. things change every day. I think we learn to live with it better with age."

"Yeah.." I swallowed hard, his hand felt hot on my skin.

Kouji sighed, "..the important things.. that's what we need to hold onto."

"Makes sense.." I lied, lowering my face.

I didn't understand what he was talking about though I didn't feel like asking him any further questions concerning it. Even if it might help me get a better answer, I wish I just knew without wondering. I wish I understood his words but something about it seemed locked and forbidden. I think I was frowning because Kouji tilted my chin up to look at my eyes.

"You're that important thing to me," Kouji spoke, leaning a little too close to my face.

I began to blush deeper.

His rough voice was, dare I say, attractive? It's the alcohol, I know. I'm just crazy. I mean, I'm not as drunk as I could be, though.. umm.. I think I'm seriously just crazy. That's all it is.

"W-what?" I stuttered, his sightly demeanor was unexpected.

Kouji took his hand back and we both turned red, simultaneously averting our eyes. This moment, whatever it was, had been much too flustering.

Well.. he pulled away.. and why do I feel disappointed? Wow. I really am crazy.

The alcohol didn't make me feel woozy, Kouji did. My stomach fluttered with nervousness and excitement. I could upchuck from the edginess I felt. The tension caused by taboo thoughts I had seemed strictly prohibited. For a long time I felt a certain way about my brother, but for some reason something inside me had bloomed just recently. His protection, vigilance and treatment towards me caused me to feel faultless and elated. Lately I've only had muddled thoughts and butterflies and all created by his words and actions.

I don't feel like a pile of trash when I'm around him.

Is this normal? I'm fooling myself, it can't be normal. Kouji knows what he's doing, right? Maybe he doesn't. Damn it, I just want to hide. But with him. Somethings seriously wrong with my head if I want the one person making me think unclearly to stick around.

I peeked at my brother from the corner of my eye. I thought I had been the downcast of the group, but just observing him at this moment I realized how pained he had been all along. In this exact moment Kouji didn't seem to breathe. His face practically glowed red, and it wasn't from the fire. I scooted closer to him, his eyes darted to me for a split second and I could see his eyes glimmer with light tears, ultimately bothered. It broke my heart to see him so distraught.

"Um, Kouji?" I whispered.

I still felt exceptionally nervous around him but I couldn't go to bed knowing my twin was so miserable. I wasn't sure why, though. It was something I didn't really want to know. My only goal at this point was to make him feel better. I couldn't get through the night knowing Kouji was dealing with his personal demons by himself.

He knows I'm here to help, right?

"Yeah?" He replied, still attempting to hide his face.

"Lay back with me?" I asked, leaning back onto the sheet.

I tried smiling genuinely, knowing that my contentment is usually always transmitted to my twin.

Kouji sighed slowly and rested his back on the sheet, his eyes seemed worried as he stared at the sky. He used his hands behind his head as a headrest. I scooted closer and blinked at him. I just wanted to mend whatever caused his dismay. I didn't know how. He grinned sadly at me and his hand floated up behind my head, wrestling gently into my hair. Our eyes met for a moment, a mutual understanding of sadness.

It's one of those moments I had expected something else..

He pushed my head down and I nestled into his chest, a bit disheartened. My hand grasped his shirt and his hand stroked my hair. His body felt so warm, and I felt so relaxed. I could fall asleep, I wonder if he felt that way as well. He gently placed a small kiss on my head. I thought it was comforting; kind of like when my mother would do things like this.

I didn't realize that to Kouji it meant so much more.

•••

The sun violently forced my eyes to open, realizing I had fallen asleep on the sheet outside. My face was sweaty and I pulled away from his chest, gently unwrapping his arm left around my neck and head. I yawned, the brightness of the sun stung my eyes and my whole body ached as I sat up. I glanced next to me once more to see my brother stirring awake. He hissed from the beaming rays, tiresome as he breathed harshly. I rubbed my eyes, almost sulking at the suns rude awakening.

Judging the suns position it had been barely six or seven. Sleepless nights were often, but the days where we could sleep, Kouji and I both wouldn't wake until noon.

Kouji sat up next to me, sighing. He stumbled and stood from tired. I looked up at him, smiling slightly as he held out his hand. I took it and he lead me into the tent. He plopped down with a hard thump, pushing me down along side of him. Kouji held me tightly, I almost couldn't breathed as he squeezed me into his chest. He took the breath out of me, whether he meant to or not. It wasn't his actions that left me breathless, it was my thoughts.

I felt Koujis fingers run through my hair, caressing every strand. With every stroke my heart skipped. His breath was warm on top of my head, for a moment I couldn't even tell if he had been fully awake.

"Stay," he whispered, his morning voice was soft and rough at the same time.

Where would I go?

"Kouji?" I muttered.

My brother didn't answer, I heard his breathing steady. He was asleep. I smiled into his shirt, grasping it. I'll stay as long as he lets me.

•••

First it was the sun that had woken me up, then it was the nonstop vibrating in my pocket. Kouji's phone must have gone off as well because we both woke around the same time. I laid still, groaning. I wasn't ready to get out of bed just yet.

Kouji groggily sat up and flipped his phone open, "..hello?"

I watched him as he answered someone on the phone. He sighed, rolling his eyes for what reason I didn't know.

"..obviously," he murmured with a hoarse voice in to the phone. He didn't seem too happy about being woken up by a phone call.

I checked my phone, seeing a few messages and missed calls from Junpei. One message from Takuya.

"..we were sleeping.." Kouji spoke with no emotion.

I stayed quiet, attempting to listen to the callers words but sadly I couldn't hear anything.

"..yeah," he huffed, a smirk appearing on his face. His evil grin could be so appealing sometimes.

The messages from Junpei were all asking if I had been awake and if my phone had died.

Takuya's message caught me off guard.

'Good morning sunshine!'

I gazed at the phone screen, unsure of how to reply to anyone.

"..alright. Bye."

I closed my phone and looked at my twin, "..who was that?"

"Junpei," Kouji answered, "..I guess we slept in longer than usual. He was making sure we weren't dead."

"W-what?" I blinked a few times, "..how late is it?"

"I'm surprised you didn't see already," he pointed at my phone, "..it's past two."

"Why'd we sleep so late?" I frowned.

"I guess we needed it," he grinned, nudging my shoulder, "..come on. Let's pack up. We can go home and sleep."

I nodded.

I wanted nothing more.