(This side of paradise-coyote theory)

KOUJI'S POV

(Continued)

I helped Kouichi to his feet, guiding him back to the car without a word. I sat in the backseat with him. He held his own hands and breathed a bit slower. It was almost forced. He hadn't been crying but I could tell he was on the verge. I only caught a glimpse of his scratched up palm but it made my blood boil.

I have so many questions..

"Kouichi, what happened?" Takuya muttered from the passenger seat, turning towards the black haired boy in dismay.

I hated seeing Kouichi like this. Maybe I need to teach him self defense. I wanted to be angry at Takuya for even being here in the first place but I couldn't. I was too worried about my brother.

Why am I so frustrated with everyone else? This isn't a time to be like this..

"Kouichi?" Junpei echoed, not taking his eyes off the road.

Kouichi seemed in shock for a moment not even making a peep. He rested his face into my chest. I think he didn't want to speak about it at this very moment. Maybe he would later but I don't know anymore. I just know we had to tread lightly with Kouichi in this moment as he seemed more sensitive than usual. I sighed hearing his breathing waver. I held his head as gently as I could but I couldn't stop shaking. I'm just too livid.

"Kouichi, what happened?" Takuya interrogated, "..is it your boss or just the other guys today? What-"

"Takuya, shut up!" I yelled. I was tired of his voice. I wanted those answers from Kouichi too but he's not been very good at talking lately. Not even to me.

"Fuck you, Kouji," Takuya scowled.

"F-"

"Guys, stop. You're going to freak him out more," Junpei spoke irritatedly. He whispered a possible curse under his breath but I couldn't hear him.

Sorry.. I know I'm doing it again..

"It's.. okay.." Kouichi gently place his hurt hand on my chest, lifting his head to show his troubled, red eyes, "..everyone knows?"

This time he turned his eyes to me. I felt almost in the wrong for admitting it was true but I didn't know how I could have even gotten through this morning without Junpei. Takuya and Junpei grew quiet; they must have felt awkward, too. I think Kouichi understood because he didn't press any further.

Kouichi then murmured, "..um.. why is everyone here?"

I kept my mouth shut, unsure of what to say.

"Kouji.. needed me there," Junpei started, "..I think he felt your pain."

Kouichi glanced at me with saddened eyes but I couldn't meet his gaze. Junpei said it all. Damn him.

"You called me," Takuya began with a dumb smile, "..so I called them.. one thing lead to another so."

"Oh.." Kouichi sighed. He looked aggrieved, as if some kind of remorseful realization hit him.

Junpei pulled his car in the yard and exhaled slowly before turning back to my twin and I.

Kouichi spoke before Junpei could, "..come in."

"Are you sure?" Junpei frowned.

Kouichi nodded. My stomach twisted, I felt sick.. and jealous.

It was so easy for him around them lately.. he can act and speak to them as if- yet it was hard for him to do anything with me..

No. Maybe I shouldn't think like this ..but I just can't help it.

We followed each other inside. I sat on the couch, Kouichi scooted closer to me. I just wanted to hold him, the thought of these absurd events recently occurring made me feel beside myself. Takuya and Junpei sat on the opposite couch next to us.

"What did those boys do?" Takuya asked.

"Nothing.. j-just pushed me. You guys showed up so," Kouichi trailed off.

"Did something happen at work?" Junpei chimed in.

"I quit," Kouichi admitted, glancing at me.

I frowned. I didn't know whether to be elated hearing that or completely bothered.

Kouichi.. you don't owe them an explanation..

"He did something?" Takuya narrowed his eyes.

"What did he do, Kouichi?" Junpei cooed softly.

Kouichi glanced at me; almost for approval. I wanted to know, too, but I don't know if I could handle anything that would come out of his mouth.

My gaze never left Kouichi as he answered. It was like I was there with him. With every sinister and gruesome detail I could feel my stomach sinking into nothing. Every time he paused, nervous to say the next sentence, I felt my heart attack my chest.

He mentioned calling Takuya at first was an accident. I wanted to feel like I won but I can't help feeling like I lost hearing his whole story. I think voicing the story so close to me made him extra anxious. Maybe he could feel the rage radiating off of my body. He had every reason to be nervous, after all, I was ready to go to jail for him. Maybe he knew voicing the story around other people would actually save me in the long run. Junpei could at least hold me down if I decided to do anything too rash. After he was done explaining I stood trembling with rage and at the point of exploding.

Okay, Kouichi grew a back bone. It's impressive. Even though he admitted calling Takuya was an accident, I still feel utterly annoyed. I also can't help but feel completely useless knowing he could handle things by himself. What was I, anymore? He didn't need me anymore. My dad was right.. they always leave.

"Kouji?" Kouichi muttered, he stared up at me with his wide eyes and it disgusted me.

He had eyes like a puppy and mannerisms of a dog. The fact that Katsu called him Koinu so often made me furious and nauseous at the same time. Anytime I looked into Kouichi's eyes I would be reminded someone sexualized him like a dog. Every time I'd lay my eyes on that damned stuffed animal it would remind me of that devil of a man.

I hate this so much.

Kouichi, don't act surprised at how angry I am.

The wall in front of me didn't have anything to do with Katsu, but for some reason it made me even more angry. I pictured his dumb face and threw a punch at the wall. I saw red liquid on my hand, my knuckles bled and throbbed. The loud noise I had made turned Kouichi to jump. Takuya plopped beside him and glowered in my direction.

Why did Takuya seem mad at me? I'm not Katsu. Screw them both.

Junpei stood abruptly, holding my arm back, "..Kouji, damn it, calm down!"

"How can I be calm knowing that bastard is still breathing?!" I snapped at Junpei.

"I'm mad, too, but think legally," Junpei sighed, "..it's okay.. Kouichi doesn't ever need to go back now."

I couldn't help shake, wanting to throw another blow at the wall. This time for the idiot boys we unfortunately always run into. I didn't realize I had made an indent and for a second I felt guilty for ruining Kouichi's seemingly perfect house. It's starting to become familiar like the old house I lived in; full of holes and rage.

"Let's go outside," Junpei spoke as he pulled me outside.

I didn't have time to resist so I shot Kouichi one last look of apprehension before leaving. Takuya seemed irritated and Kouichi looked hopeless and disenchanted. I yearned to give him a reason to smile but I guess I couldn't in my wrathful state. I didn't want to leave him but maybe it was for the best right now. I shouldn't let him see me like this. I probably appeared like a monster.

I made my way down the steps and behind the house as a Junpei followed me. I lit up a cigarette and inhaled, my lungs quivered. I just needed to calm down and breathe. I think Junpei knew I had grown accustomed to this certain unethical habit when needed. I could feel my body tremble, my face was on fire, I was dizzy and my eyes swelled up.

"Kouji.." Junpei frowned seeing my face.

A tear rolled down my cheek. It's rare for me to cry in front of anyone and in fact, Junpei should feel blessed. Crying is a sign of weakness, right? I would never show that side to anyone, at least I never wanted to. Lately I've been messing that up. I'm so frustrated with myself. Kouichi wasn't even crying; I was. I'm a mess, I know. It's like we traded personalities for a little while today and I just wanted mine back.

I was about to throw another punch and this time at a tree that I knew would definitely do more damange to my hand than I would to it. Junpei held me back from doing anything too irrational and seized my arm.

His voice was serious, "..there's nothing you can do, Kouji."

"Bullshit! It's not fair.." I yelled, "..look at Kouichi.. and you don't want to kill them?!"

"Of course I do, but we can't go to jail! Kouichi needs you here!" He exclaimed in return.

"No, he doesn't. He has everyone else."

"They're not you. Don't be stupid."

"He has himself, too," I murmured bitterly.

"Be proud he stood up for himself. What's wrong with you? You can't expect Kouichi to act like a child his entire life."

"Fine, I'm proud, but.. where do I stand now?"

"You can't let your abandonment issues interfere right now," Junpei spoke. I wanted to say something but he didn't let me as he ranted on, "..you don't understand the good that you do for him. He's standing up for himself because of you, Kouji. Don't you get it?"

I only stared at him. I couldn't think, speak or act. The only thing heard was Junpei.

"Without you he might not be capable of standing up for himself. He literally fought back the same way you would have."

I barely nodded.

"You know he's going to be there always. Don't look so lonely," Junpei finished.

My eyes widened a bit. I grit my teeth.

He knew.

"Junpei.. I don't know what to do.. I can't leave him alone anymore," I wiped the few tears that rolled down my cheek with the free hand holding the cigarette. The smoke fell into my eyes and stung.

"I know. That's why I want him to work for me, too."

"What?" I stopped in my struggle, the cigarette I had held in my hand had dropped to the ground.

"I don't feel okay about this.. I want him to work on your shift. It would make me feel better knowing he's safe. He's too nice."

I gazed at him for a moment, raising my brow.

"You're scary as hell so it balances out," Junpei grinned, attempting to relax my mind with his words.

I didn't falter my face; just kept my bewildered and bothered gaze.

"He's the safest with you, I think," Junpei admitted.

I nodded, taking a moment to process what he had said, "..thank you."

Junpei doesn't know this.. or does he? He's been more like a father to me than my own had been my entire life.

"Yeah, of course," Junpei let go of my arm and sighed, "..I'm going to buy you guys some pepper spray. This is ridiculous."

"I'm glad we see eye to eye," I exhaled roughly.

I miss Kouichi.

He bent down to pick up the still lit cigarette and handed it back to me, "..don't forget you promised Kouichi you quit."

I smirked, taking a drag, "..I haven't forgotten."

KOUICHI'S POV

"Kouji can act so crazy sometimes," Takuya shook his head.

"He has every reason," I muttered under my breath. I think he ignored my comment.

"Pfft, Koinu?" Takuya sighed, "..what in the hell?"

He doesn't understand how disgusted I am. Especially when Katsu brought Kouji into it, I hated him more.. more than I thought I could ever dislike someone. Honestly at this point I want to cry but I can't. I have no tears right now. What does that mean?

"I don't know," I held my hand, it pulsed and pained as I held my head low, "..I think.."

Takuya turned his head in concern.

"..I just.. look easy to.. pick on."

"Yeah, you do," Takuya grinned, "..that's why we all care so much about you."

"Why can't I look like Kouji?"

"What? Scary and intimidating?" Takuya grinned dumbly.

"Yeah! Or like Junpei." I pouted, sighing.

"He's just big."

"But no one messes with him," I responded.

"What about me?" Takuya's eyes sparkled.

I smiled, suppressing any depression, "..you just have good luck."

Takuya laughed.

Maybe on the outside, I smiled for him. I didn't want anyone to worry about me anymore. I always get into trouble, I'm sorry, I hate it, too. But on the inside, I only felt anguish and anxiety. I wanted to curl in a ball and hide forever.

I wish I was like the people around me; strong. I admitted it to Takuya and I almost regret it. It's how I really felt and I felt it consistently. I hope he understood but then again I'm not sure I wanted him to. I know I invited Junpei and Takuya inside but it was mostly for the fact they were there to help me in my time of need. My story would definitely send Kouji into a rage and he wasn't someone I could physically stop. Junpei came in handy; it showed. I'm glad I told everyone everything. I know everyone cares now. Plus, I couldn't shove them away after what they went through to get to me. But if I had to be completely honest with myself right now, I just wanted to be alone with Kouji.

•••

Later that night my wish was granted and it was just Kouji and I. We didn't speak much to each other but we had plenty of interaction. I held back any flinches as he placed a hand on my shoulder, rested his arm on my back or wrestled his fingers in my hair. I don't mean to act like that but it was completely unsettling. I just couldn't help but feel disturbed by being touched. It's just something I would get over, and hopefully very soon. I actually like it when Kouji patted me on the head.

He had grabbed the bottle from the kitchen and chugged substantially. The intoxication began to show at an accelerated rate. I wasn't surprised by his addiction anymore, just confused at how comfortable I was being around him in a drunken state lately. He never used to act so coy and adherent with me.

Is it Katsu? Takuya? Is he getting older? Maybe personality changes after awhile.. I don't know.

He had instructed me to shower. I think he wanted me to cleanse myself from anything bad that happened today. There was a moment he saw the small bruise on my ribs and made a crossed face. He didn't say anything in that second but judging by his expression I knew he longed to. After the shower I settled next to him on the bed. He wrapped my hand in a bandage in silence. I noticed the bottle was about half gone and I didn't even have a sip.

He took my hand in his, gazing my the bandage, "..Kouichi."

"Y-yes?" I blinked as his eyes met mine.

His gloomy voice made me want to weep for once tonight.

"I'm really.. angry," he admitted grimly.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just worry you."

"It's not you," Kouji sighed, "..it's just other people."

"It's okay," I muttered, showing him a slight smile.

Kouji just gazed at me for a minute. He seemed like he wanted to say something but never did. He just looked so heartbroken and it effected every part of me. My eyes began to water. I want to be strong for him, but I can't help but feel the complete opposite around him. I realized how much easier it was to hold back any tears around everyone else. I feel like I could shatter.

"Kouichi.." Kouji frowned, pulling me into a hug, "..I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"It's okay. You're not psychic," I closed my eyes, hoping it would shut any tears out. He I breathed in slowly, the smell of his musk on his jacket soothed me.

"I should know, anyway," Kouji hugged me tighter.

I held his upper back, "..but you.. did."

Kouji breathed slower, he seemed to like what I was saying, "..Kouichi.."

"Yes?"

"..I care.. a lot."

"I k-know," I swallowed hard, blush apparent.

"So don't leave again.. okay?" He wrestled his fingers in my hair. It didn't remind me of Katsu, instead it made me feel safe. The way he breathed and begged gave me butterflies.

"I won't."

Kouji smiled, handing me the bottle. I took it gratefully and sipped. We sat in silent contentment passing the bottle back and forth. Eventually the bottle became empty. On an empty stomach I felt the intoxication expand. I could only imagine how Kouji felt in this moment. With every huge swig he would ingest I felt more and more tense. By his glazed eyes I could tell he was drunk.

I feel so uneasy. Yet, I feel so calm around a Kouji. What is this feeling?

I suddenly laid my eyes upon the stuffed dog Mori and frowned. Tears started swelling in my eyes uncontrollably. It was only minor tears but they were all too noticeable.

I hate Katsu. Why did he have the surname Mori? Why did he have to do what he did? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around this stuffed animal? The plush used to make me feel better and now just seeing him I feel worse. A stuffed animal has nothing to do with a real animal like Katsu, so why do I feel this way?

I shouldn't be surprised. But it's not like I can just pretend this never happened. I know my brother.. and I also know my own mentality. Both of our ways of thinking are obsessive and tormenting. We would never be able to forget such a haunting event. This is going to cause some trust issues with people, I just know it. Kouji had already had trust problems with everyone but with how close he was to me I can only imagine how much less he'll trust anyone now.

I feel isolated. I know it's not fair to say that when I have someone like Kouji around me. The alienation I felt was a little too realistic, though. I just felt so alone thinking I had been the only one around me that felt this way. It's as if I couldn't share these emotions with anyone. I can't ask anyone questions like remember when? No, they don't. Only I do.

I let Takuya in.. and I almost regret it. I almost regret letting Kouji know anything negative in my head but I feel like I'm going insane in this solitary prison.

Katsu thought I was weak and abandoned, right? That's why he messed with me, because he probably felt like he could and even get away with it. In a way, I think he was right. I guess he got away with it all.

Words can't describe how miserable I feel in this instant. I'm glad no one else saw me in this state but I really didn't even want Kouji to see me like this. Maybe I should leave but I didn't even have the energy to try and hide.

But I should leave.

The tears that rolled down my cheeks didn't matter too much, it was the fact I let them show the one person that would be affected by them as much as me.

KOUJI'S POV

My stomach bubbled feeling the warmth from the liquor. My head felt somewhat light and my body felt loose. After the bottle was finished I sighed, wanting more. I almost stood to head to the kitchen to grab another when I noticed my twin's tears. Seeing him cry again made me forget all about my selfish needs and wants. I only longed for whatever would make Kouichi feel better. I observed him as his eyes traveled to Mori. I glowered at the stuffed animal laying on the bed. Well, I think I hate that stuffed animal now.

I wish he wouldn't shut me out. He's so sad right now, he can talk to me.. he's not alone in this. He doesn't need anyone else but me.

Suddenly he stood to his feet and I eyed him intensely.

"Kouichi?" I reached my hand out but he moved urgently.

I followed his movements as he ran out of the bedroom and in the bathroom. I cursed under my breath, blaming my inebriated state for being too slow. Kouichi had locked the bathroom door. I could feel my heart pounding as I growled harshly.

If it's that stupid stuffed animal I can get rid of it.. I'll get him a new one.. if he hates this house so much, I'll find him another house to live in.. what else can I do? He's so upset right now. I feel it. But why won't he let me in the damned bathroom? I feel useless just waiting out here. Would he let Takuya in?

I knocked on the door, "..Kouichi? Unlock the door please."

"L-later," he sobbed.

I growled at the door, finding it a bit hard to stand still, "..open up, damn it!"

I heard him hiccup. He didn't respond to me. I felt extreme guilt; I shouldn't have yelled at him. Once again, I just blame this intoxication. I know I'm saying things I'll regret later but I couldn't care less in this situation. My only goal was to get the door open.

"Please?" I practically begged.

I hate this feeling of hopelessness.

Why can't I come in? Would he allow anyone else? Is it just me.. he doesn't want? I can't be too mad.. he didn't even cry to us.. but now he's crying.. he won't even talk to me.. I bet he talked to Takuya.. fuck, why do I feel so lonely right now?

I heard the door click and took my chance to quickly twist the knob. I found him sitting on the floor, sorrowful and tears in his eyes. I dropped to my knees next to him and pulled him into an tight and tender embrace.

It's one of those moments where you're thankful for what you have. We didn't have a perfect family, tons of money and nice cars but we had each other. I wonder if Kouichi feels like that, too.

I felt him tremble beneath me and I frowned deeply.

I seriously despise this. Katsu.. those bullies.. they can all go to hell.. Kouichi is the sweetest person on this Earth.. I don't understand why anyone would want to do anything to hurt him. People like me should get beat up, not him. At least I can take it. He, on the other hand, he's frail and nerveless. As long as I've known him he had no idea what a back bone had been. It worried me knowing that he was like this but I couldn't do much about it. Protect and guard him, that's all I could ever do.

He learned how to stand up for himself today.. and I'm actually so happy to hear this.. I can still protect him, can't I?

Stupid loneliness.

Kouichi instantly cried harder. I didn't know whether to feel relieved he was finally shedding tears or enraged at the causes. I felt him grasp onto my jacket as he buried his face in my chest. His hot breath steamed my shirt. Both my hands messed into his silky hair, cupping his face and almost forcing his face towards mine. I just needed to see his his blue, sparkling eyes. I stared into those miserable orbs silently screaming for recognition and peace. I pressed my lips on his, not realizing what I was doing in that split second. It felt so good yet I felt so wrong, like I shouldn't but I could. There was a point that I actually registered my own actions but I felt indifferent. He didn't try to push me off, but instead I pulled back. Our eyes were glued to each other's and I felt like I was floating.

I want to know.. what does he feel?

"Kouji.." Kouichi didn't wear an expression, but I sensed he felt unclear desires.

"Yeah?" I spoke huskily, making his red face turn deeper in color.

"Why do you.. do that?" He questioned with an angelic face.

Because I'm an idiot.

"Because I'm drunk."

Drunk in love.

I could feel my heart skipping and it made me feel breathless.

"Oh," he darted his eyes down towards the floor.

Why.. Why does he look..

Disappointed?

"Are you mad at me?" I asked.

He just stared at me dejectedly. There was a slight twinkle in his eye that had me confused.

What did he feel? Loneliness? Longing? Ask me why my hearts inside my throat right now.. word vomit.. it's coming.

"Kouji.." he seemed very lightly confused though he didn't sound like it, "..I'm not mad."

I feel like I've been living life asleep. I need to let you know how I really feel.

"You're sad?"

You're the foundation I needed. You need to know that... or do you?

"Um.. y-yes.." he answered timidly.

"Disappointed?"

..I'm too scared to say the truth. I can't do this. I might never be able to say anything.

"..very.." Kouichi sighed.

I know I'm being different but it's just a mixture of the alcohol and the emotions I've been feeling. Damn, I wish I could do something about this feeling but I can't.

Well, I probably can. I'm just a coward.

We sat on the bathroom floor face to face. I held Kouichi's hand gently, I felt his fingers dance in mine. It felt magical somehow, almost electrifying.

"Kouichi?"

"Yes?"

"Are you lonely?" My eyes didn't leave his.

"Yes.."

"Me, too. Come be lonely with me."

Kouichi just smiled at me; I wasn't sure if it was to reassure me or if it meant something else. It was one of those moments where I couldn't even read my own twin. All I knew is it was so appealing and it I loved it so much that it made me feel weak. If he wants me, I'll be there.

"You're so drunk."

"I know," I whispered, gazing at Kouichi. We both wore sad smiles but for different reasons.

•••

One morning we both had waken up to messages on our phones. Kouichi spoke first, informing me that Takuya apparently found a new girlfriend. I wasn't surprised, but Kouichi seemed relatively, genuinely happy for him. He said something about her being the most sweet and caring person he's ever met. He also mentioned something about apparently taking Kouichi's advice about this. Takuya didn't look for a girl and instead the most amazing person ended up coming to him. Funny, because I feel like I know someone like that too.

Junpei had messaged me telling me I can finally start that job. The sooner the better, I guess. Damned bills are coming soon and I've never been more worried about money.

When I first got the job I really wanted to keep it a secret for fear of embarrassment. I couldn't put a finger on why, but I did. It was when he got a job that I became increasingly lonely. I wanted one, too, as I didn't want to be without him. Work days make distraction days. However, it didn't work out the way I wished. He quit as soon as I could start so that was just bad luck.

When I finally told him about the job he scolded me but only for a second. Mostly that I kept it from him at first. For some reason he got so excited hearing that he actually had a job with me and I felt elated seeing he felt the same way. Sadly I told him I would have to start for a day without him. I think he saw my depression about leaving him alone for a day but he reassured me everything would be okay.

That night with Kouichi in the bathroom wasn't a mistake; the fact that I had shut my mouth about the truth was. I want to tell him so very badly but I just. Would I ever be able to tell him, I didn't know. All I knew is that my feelings are too real to deny and it's causing my disorganized personality and thoughts. I just really thought I was going to tell him. I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Every day I saw him practically run and avoid the hallway, he didn't even look at his moms old bedroom door. A few times I've heard him mumble how much he hates it. Maybe this wasn't the best place to keep someone that had lost a loved one. The last thing I wanted to do was give him an excuse to endulge himself is misery. I messaged Junpei asking him to help apartment hunt earlier and he agreed. We didn't have a lot of money; even with the both of us getting these jobs. I wonder how getting a brand new house or apartment would be. Whether we found a house, apartment or even decided to live in the woods..

..I just wanted to be happy with Kouichi; no matter where we were.