(I wonder-guardin)
:)
KOUJI'S POV
In the afternoon, Kouichi decided to take a nap. I followed him into the room as he requested my presence to fall asleep. I couldn't say no; a big part of me wanted to anyway. Him asking me just made it easier to shadow him. Plus, he's a little too cute when he's sleeping. His fair breathing and slight smile could set fire and melt my frozen heart, washing away all my impurities and insecurities. I think to myself; how lucky am I to have someone like him in my life? After all, without him, I'd be selling drugs in a trash pile or dead in a ditch somewhere. He really is an angel.
I can't believe how brave I was at the tunnel.. and I can't believe he went along with it.. I wonder.. it's just wishful thinking; how weird is it? I still can't get over this.. of all the people that inhabit this earth, it's my own twin that I'd end up falling for. As crazy as it sounds to me, it would just be a miracle that he feels the same. I keep thinking to myself; keep this to myself, I'm happy to just have him in my life. I can give him surprise kisses and he doesn't mind, right? I'm okay with that.
But I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm lying to myself. I want more. I want him. I want him to know. I need him to know; but I don't need him to disappear. I'm terrified that will happen. I need.. advice, I think.
Now was a good time to talk to Junpei. I strolled outside and gave him a call. I lit a cigarette as he answered.
'Hello?'
'Hey,' I replied. '..Sorry if you're busy.'
I almost regretted calling as soon as he picked up. I hated showing this side of myself; the side with emotions. If I keep it to myself again I'll just explode with anger on random people, it's just like Junpei warned.
'It's okay. Work is slow. What's going on?'
I sighed, '..it's Kouichi..'
'Yeah?'
He sounded a little too giddy. This made me a bit nauseous but somehow the cigarette smoke calmed my stomach.
'..I don't know.. I have a feeling.. it's not one-sided..'
'Hell yeah!' Junpei exclaimed over the phone. '..so did something happen?'
'Kind of.. but.. I think it's more of a feeling.'
I could feel Junpei smiling over the phone. I growled to myself; I just couldn't bring myself to speak honestly. I couldn't just tell Junpei of my bravery, it's somewhat embarrassing. Maybe this phone call was a mistake.
'I was wondering if you had a chance to look at another place for us?' I muttered, changing the subject.
'Uh.. yeah.. a little.'
The way he spoke made me feel guilty.
'Sorry to make you do that,' I said a bit ashamed, mentally.
'It's okay! I know you guys don't have a computer.. it's just..'
'What?'
'..It's just.. places are really expensive.. I know you guys don't make a lot of money to begin with..'
He's right. Money is tight but what was I supposed to do seeing my brother have a mini panic attack whenever he passed by that room? One day he's actually going to break and I couldn't take that.
'..if you can wait a little longer those prices might go down.'
'Longer? Like, weeks? Months?'
'I don't know. It's just wishful thinking I suppose.'
I took a long drag of my cigarette. Maybe now was a good time to start selling again.
'Just hold out a little longer. I'm sure something will come up,' he assured.
Yeah, like selling. Again.
'Hey, Kouji. Did you get a message from Takuya, too?'
'Yeah, I did.'
'We should probably all hang out. I think he's serious about this girl. He doesn't message everyone like this every time he gets a girlfriend.'
'I guess.'
'He asked to hang out tonight.'
'No.' I grumbled quickly.
'That wasn't a question..'
'But do I have to?'
'..man..' his laugh irked me, '..don't be like that. Think of it this way, he'll finally leave Kouichi alone!'
'Bad joke..' I frowned.
'Sorry,' he chuckled, '..but it's true.'
'Fine. What time?' I rolled my eyes.
'I'll message him and find out. Probably later, though.. maybe seven or eight.'
'Okay.'
'Oh-I have to go. Someone's in the store now.'
'Bye.' We both said in unison and hung up.
I flicked my cigarette and sighed. I shouldn't have made that damned call. I didn't necessarily hate Takuya but something always takes ahold of me that causes my malevolent distance from everyone. I wish I wasn't like this; my longing to just be secluded with my twin is extraordinary.
I smelled my breath and immediately wished I had a bottle of mouthwash on me. Maybe I could just brush my teeth real quick. Now that I know Kouichi knows what cigarette smoke smells like I would probably get caught for sure. I didn't need him to hate me.
When I walked back inside I shut the door behind me quietly. I took a step to head towards the bathroom and stopped in my tracks. I heard whimpering down the hallway. I forgot all about my smoldering stench as I made my way over to the hall to see Kouichi curled in a sobbing ball. He held his knees with such force I saw his knuckles turn white. I dropped down immediately beside him, grabbing onto his shoulders. I knew this was going to happen. This was an actual panic attack; I've seen him have tiny episodes before from just walking by his mom's bedroom door but nothing made an actual assault on his heart like now. My heart pounded seeing him so emotional.
"Hey, what's the matter?" I said in a slight panic.
I know what the matter is.. what a stupid question..
Kouichi couldn't speak; just sobbed. I embraced him in a tight hug. My heart broke hearing his whines.
"Kouichi?" I whispered.
"I..I.." he began.
"What?"
"..h-hetet."
"Wait, what?" I pulled back from our hug and lifted his chin to hear him clearly. I didn't understand what he had said and it left me feeling useless.
"I h-hate it here," he admitted, "..I'm s-sorry."
"We can leave soon, I'll make sure of it," I told him.
My chest pained at my words. I may have lied now but I would make it a reality very soon. There's no doubt in my mind now. I can't take Kouichi freaking out every day like this. I feel like it would only get worse.
"R-really?" He stared at me with disbelief.
"Yeah, soon. Don't worry," I gave him a gentle smile but he didn't return it.
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that."
"Sorry," he barely whispered, dropping his head back down.
I sighed, "..I should have done something sooner."
"I'm just b-being a crybaby."
I held back a growl as I cupped his face with my hands.
"Emotions don't make you weak, Kouichi," I stated, staring deeply into his eyes, "..you don't realize how strong you actually are."
"How can you say that?" He mumbled with his face squished in my hands.
"You feel more than anyone I know. With how much you must carry.. in here.." I touched his chest, "..those burdens you harbor.. that's true strength."
If his face wasn't red before, it was now. I wiped his cheek, ridding his face of any tears. He smiled timidly and placed his warm, shaking hand over mine, pressing lightly. I felt his heart pounding and I didn't know why but it made me feel utterly satisfied.
Did I do that?
•••
When I got the message that Junpei was on the way with Tomoki I groaned from annoyance. I didn't want to meet Takuya's girl of the week and that's what I felt like I was so forced to do. I've never actually met any of his girlfriends before but that didn't mean that I wanted to start now.
Surprisingly they got here quicker than Takuya and his new girlfriend did. I wondered what would happen; if Kouichi would have to tell Tomoki everything he missed out on or maybe Junpei just filled him in on everything in the car. No matter what, I didn't hear Tomoki ask a single thing about any of this when he finally arrived. I could only assume Junpei requested him to keep quiet on the past events.
All four of us boys sat on the couch and awaited their arrival. Kouichi and Tomoki seemed anxious and excited though I didn't understand why. I just didn't care and it showed. Junpei was a different story.
"So.. am I the only one confused?" Junpei glanced between all of us.
"Confused?" Kouichi blinked.
"What do you mean?" Tomoki asked Junpei.
"I don't want to mess up whatever Takuya has.. should we act a certain way?" Junpei scratched in head, "..what does she expect?"
"I honestly didn't think I'd hear this kind of thing from you," I smirked.
"We should just be ourselves," Tomoki nodded.
"Kouji, don't be yourself," Junpei laughed almost maniacally.
Kouichi giggled.
I rolled my eyes, "..I mean, I can leave."
"No! Don't, I'm scared," Junpei frowned.
Kouichi turned his head to the side and said, "..it's okay."
"Yeah, Junpei. It's not your date," I chimed in, playfully.
Junpei laughed, "..I guess you're right. I just don't want to embarrass him."
"He'll do that himself," I stated.
"You guys are like my little brothers and so is Takuya. I just want him happy," Junpei said bashfully.
"How noble of you," I grumbled, shooting him a provoking eye.
"I know you're joking, but stop," Junpei covered his face with his hands.
Kouichi placed his hand on Junpei's knee, "..don't be nervous.. we're all here."
Junpei peeked out of his fingers to see Kouichi's warm smile.
"Yeah, I'm sure she's going to love us!" Tomoki grinned.
"Yeah.. she already puts up with Takuya," I held back a laugh.
Junpei held back a laugh, too. I think we finally made him feel a bit better.
Kouichi peeked out the window, wide-eyed. He settled back down next to me and tapped me on the shoulder, "..they're walking up now."
"Lock the door," I chuckled.
"We should lock you in a room," Junpei said with a grin.
"That sounds amazing right now," I replied.
"Just be calm. I brought a bottle.. I hope she drinks," Junpei spoke.
"Act normal, guys," Tomoki beamed at us.
"Don't tell Kouji to act normal," Junpei snickered.
I shot Junpei a glare.
"I'm sorry. Don't be a dick," Junpei cackled.
I smirked.
I'm glad.. I don't know why.. but I am.. to be able to see someone putting up with my dark humor and sarcastic attitude.. and he jokes in return. This is what I had with Takuya.. a very long time ago. I wonder what happened?
Kouichi jumped slightly hearing the knock at the front door. Junpei stood to open the door and Tomoki moved to the end of the other couch. I scooted a little closer to my twin. Kouichi closed the gap between us and it was almost embarrassing how close our bodies were.
Is this okay? Well.. he did it.
"Hey!" Junpei greeted letting both brunettes into the room, "..I'm Junpei."
"Nice to meet you," a girl with an excessive amount of fake blush on her cheeks waved lightly, a confident smile on her face.
She had extremely long, shining dark brown hair pulled back in a pony tail. She wore a tight red sweater that showed off every curve she had to offer. She had on a layer or makeup including a red lipstick and added some pink nail polish; something of it reminded me of petty high school girls. I barely met her and I already didn't like her. I wonder what everyone else thought.
"I'm Rin," she spoke looking towards everyone with tenacity.
"Hi, I'm Tomoki!" He waved.
Junpei shut the door as Takuya turned to Rin, pointing at my brother and I.
"That's Kouji and Kouichi," Takuya informed, "..they're a little quiet."
Kouichi's cheeks tinged pink at that statement. I held myself back from rolling my eyes at Takuya. Maybe Kouichi was quiet but I wasn't, I just hated people.
"Sit," Takuya lead her to the other couch as they sat next to Tomoki.
The way he marveled at her disgusted me. If Kouichi ended up with me, would I be this gross, too?
"Rin, would you like a drink?" Junpei offered as he walked to the kitchen.
"What kind of drink?" Rin smiled innocently but her voice seemed devious.
Junpei laughed, grabbing the bottle and some glasses. He placed them down at the table and began to pour everyone a drink.
"How did you guys meet?" Tomoki asked.
"Oh! Honey, want to tell them the story?" She grinned at Takuya resting her hand gracefully on his knee.
Honey? Why am I so grossed out?
I glanced at Kouichi, he seemed nervous but it wasn't out of the ordinary. I think he was like this ninety percent of the time, anyway.
Takuya blushed lightly, "..oh, yeah, well.. I saw her in school all the time but we never talked."
"Really?" Junpei asked as he settled down next to Kouichi.
Junpei handed the glasses to everyone and laid back listening.
"Yep! I was surrounded by friends and studies so I didn't have time for boys," Rin giggled, "..but I actually remember you, Kouichi."
Kouichi peeped, "..me?"
"Yes! You were always so quiet but I always thought you were so adorable!" Rin admitted.
Adorable?
I frowned, annoyed at her comment. Takuya was practically in a day dream next to her as she spoke; he didn't even care or realize she might be hitting on another guy. I think Junpei knew I was irritated because he poured more liquor into my glass.
"I'm sorry, I d-don't remember you," Kouichi said sheepishly.
"We never had an interaction, it's okay," Rin shrugged, "..So.. Kouji is your.. brother?"
"Uh, yes. Twin," he smiled awkwardly.
"I don't remember him," Rin tilted her head.
"Yeah, fuck school. I skipped a lot," I spoke bluntly.
Kouichi grew quiet.
Tomoki and Junpei glanced at each other.
Rin and I stared at one another.
Takuya wore a dumb face.
"So.." Rin nudged Takuya, "..tell them how we finally met."
"We were at the market. She's really pretty so I was nervous at first but I started the conversation."
"Tell them what you said," Rin covered her mouth as if to hide a laugh.
Takuya laughed nervously, "..I said.. 'nice weather'."
Junpei chuckled, "..well, that's one way to talk to a lady."
"He was so cute and charming I couldn't say no to going on a date with him," Rin reminisced.
Aren't they moving pretty fast, though? They just met and they're practically a married couple sitting before us all.
"Oh! I forgot to say thank you!" Takuya said animatedly in Kouichi's direction, "..that restaurant.. they're making me a prep-cook."
"R-really?" Kouichi smiled, "..that's great!"
"A toast!" Takuya grinned, holding his glass in the air, "..to new love and dream jobs!"
Tomoki agreed with a nod.
"Yeah!" Junpei beamed.
Kouichi glanced at me; he could probably feel my irritation. I was completely uninterested. I was done with this meeting before it even began. I think he knew.
It's not like I loathe all of the people here. Well, kind of but I'm just annoyed. Even alcohol probably couldn't help me in the least. Honestly, not drinking for awhile made my tolerance go down a bit. I can only imagine Kouichi's stomach burning right now if mine had been. I actually kind of missed being sober. Who am I right now?
"Another one!" Rin exclaimed innocently holding out her empty glass.
Junpei raised a brow, "..you sure know how to party."
"Guilty as charged," Rin winked.
She made me nauseous with every statement and action. We all drank once more but I decided to have a bit more liquor again. I just wanted to pass out and forget this night. I decided to flip my phone out of my pocket and made sure no one could see the screen as I found my old dealer's phone number. I don't remember his name; just the digits. I messaged him a quick 'hey' to see if I could even get a reply. He was my only option; I promised to get Kouichi out of this place and this was one promise I wanted to keep.
"How do you know Takuya?" Rin asked Junpei.
"Oh.. he's like my brother. We go way back," he grinned widely.
"Your his best friend?" She asked.
"We all are," Junpei motioned to the entire room of boys.
"Me more than everyone," Tomoki laughed, jokingly speaking.
Rin giggled.
"Don't laugh! It's true," Takuya chuckled.
BEEP
I flipped my phone open and grinned to myself seeing he had replied. This was the start of something I would probably regret later.
"Drink up fast," Junpei pushed the bottle to my brother and I, "..you guys have to work in the morning."
"I'm calling out," I smirked.
"I wouldn't doubt it," Junpei returned with a jolly sneer.
"Where do you guys work?" Rin asked with a genuine smile.
"Just a gas station," Junpei answered, "..me.. Kouji.. Kouichi."
"Oh, wow. I don't have a job. I'm going to college next year! I'm trying to get a degree in criminal justice," Rin spoke self-satisfied, then turned to Tomoki, "..where do you work?"
"Oh.. I don't. I have school next year," he said.
"What's your major?"
"Um- it's just high school. I'm only seventeen," Tomoki flushed lightly.
"Really?" Rin gasped, "..you look way older!"
I held back from rolling my eyes. If there was one thing in this world I could do without, it was small talk. I took the bottle and chugged, not caring about germs. I handed the bottle to Kouichi and watched him sip. Junpei brought out another bottle and opened it, offering it to Takuya.
Slowly the couple of bottles began to dissipate and so did my patience. Eventually my yearn for nicotine took ahold of me. I wanted to leave but I couldn't go outside; Kouichi always stuck to me. I couldn't let that little puppy know I've been breaking that promise.
"Kouji, want to come outside with me? I want some fresh air," Junpei spoke.
Wow, how did he know? It's a miracle.
"Yeah, sure," I said, standing up with Junpei.
I felt bad for Kouichi. He seemed a little uncomfortable being left with them but seeing Tomoki stumble over to sit down next to him on the couch made me feel a bit better. Kouichi returned the smile Tomoki gave him. I felt my stomach flutter watching the two puppies play. My eyes shifted to the two brunette love birds and I felt ill once more. I should be happy for Takuya yet I'm disgusted. Are these always the girls he falls for?
Honestly.. maybe I'm just envious. I want that.. I can't lie to myself.
Junpei and I walked to the back of the house seeking safety in camouflage. I lit up a cigarette as Junpei eyed me. His staring made me uncomfortable.
"What?" I said.
"Can I have one?" Junpei replied quietly.
I snorted and gave him the pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
"Since when did you start?" I asked.
He shrugged and lit one, "..since I started working at that gas station."
"You hid it very well," I smirked.
He inhaled smoke, "..trust me, I'm trying to stop. I haven't actually bought a pack in a long time."
I nodded.
"You need to quit, too," Junpei motioned towards me.
I laughed lightly, "..how can you say that holding a cigarette?"
"Listen to your elders," Junpei smiled.
The smoke calmed whatever burning sensation I had in my stomach. The alcohol had affected me more than I knew and I noticed it when I began to see double momentarily.
Well.. I'm drunk.. Kouichi is probably.. worse.. I wonder.. is he to that point again?
I held back a blush.
I need to think about something else..
We let the silence linger for awhile. I zoned out momentarily, successfully ceasing any brain function. Junpei and I only inhaled and exhaled smoke in mutual understanding.
Eventually I broke the silence.
"Is it just me or do you feel weird about.." I trailed off.
"Rin?" Junpei finished for me.
"Yeah."
He knew.
"She seems okay," Junpei spoke, "..but I don't see them lasting."
"Damn."
"Yeah, I guess we have to give her the benefit of the doubt, though," Junpei shrugged.
"For once I actually care about Takuya's well-being," I admitted through an inhale.
Junpei grinned, "..speaking of caring for people.."
"What?" My voice was cold.
"..Kouichi.."
"What about him?" I rolled my eyes.
"Did you tell him yet?"
I sighed, keeping silent from using any curse words. I hated this subject but I knew what I should do; I just haven't.
"How long are you going to keep this a secret?" Junpei crossed his arms.
"I'll tell him eventually," I hit the cigarette deeply as some of the smoke stung my eyes.
I rubbed them, attempting to ignore my frustrations.
"You told me earlier you didn't think this was one-sided, and I have a feeling he likes you too-"
"Shut up, please," I spoke this as kindly as possible, though it may have come out as irrational.
I didn't want to fight with Junpei but talking about this just made me anxious.
"Sorry," Junpei apologized, "..I just.. I can see this working out."
"Maybe," I sighed.
"Tell him."
"Maybe."
Once again.. there's silence.. I wonder what Kouichi is doing..
The cigarette was about finished when Junpei suddenly cleared his throat.
"So.. Izumi messaged me."
"Yeah?" I raised my eyebrow, "..what about?"
"She just said hello. She asked me how I was."
"Did you reply?"
Junpei shook his head, "..I'm still a little mad."
"I would be, too," I huffed, "..take your time with talking to her."
Junpei nodded, "..I'll probably talk to her again.. eventually."
•••
KOUICHI'S POV
It's only been about a minute since my twin left but I feel like it's been hours. Surprisingly, I didn't focus on why he left; just when he would come back. If I didn't have Tomoki sitting next to me keeping me company I may have followed them outside. Tomoki was really kind to me, getting my mind off of the nervousness I felt. He asked me all kinds of questions like my favorite movie and season. Come to find out we actually have a lot of things in common. I'm surprised we haven't talked like this before. The Tomoki I knew years ago has really grown in many ways. He may be younger than I was but the way he spoke made him seem in his twenties or even older. I see it now; what Rin had said. He did seem a lot older.
"I'm honestly surprised we haven't played any stupid games yet," Tomoki whispered.
"Don't jinx it," I smiled.
"Kouichi, where's the bathroom?" Rin asked.
"Um.." I pointed, "..down the hall.. on the l-left."
"Thanks," Rin turned to Takuya and placed a kiss on his cheek, "..I'll be back."
"Okay," Takuya said watching her walk away with hearts in his eyes.
Seeing Takuya like this was refreshing. I realize he's never been a player; just a hopeless romantic like he's said before. Currently, he's so in love with this girl and I'm so happy for him. She gave me a weird feeling, however, almost as if she didn't seem real. I didn't know if Kouji felt this, too, or if he even cared. Maybe I was just that drunk. All I knew is she made me uncomfortable and confused.
I miss Kouji..
"Isn't she awesome?" Takuya whispered excitedly sitting next to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
"Y-yeah," I stammered my agreement.
Is she?
Takuya hugged Tomoki, "..I'm so happy!"
Tomoki laughed, "..I'm happy for you but you smell like liquor."
Takuya frowned and let go of Tomoki. I grinned and held back a giggle watching Takuya sniff his breath.
"Well, we did knock out a lot of alcohol so far," Takuya laughed, "..damn, I feel dizzy."
"Lay down," Tomoki frowned.
"I'm good!" Takuya grinned like a mad man, embracing me through his inebriation.
If I wasn't so drunk I would feel uncomfortable with his tight grip but I actually wanted to return the hug. Truthfully; I wanted to hug someone else.
"You're awesome!" Takuya complimented me, drunkly.
A smile crept on my face and I blushed, "..you, too."
"What about me?" Tomoki pointed to himself humorously.
Takuya was about to say something until he noticed movement in the hall.
"That door back there.." Rin strolled out of the hallway, "..it's missing a doorknob."
My heart suddenly broke. I could actually hear it shatter. I know she didn't realize it but those words made me want to run and hide. This drunken-happy stupor I had fallen in had left momentarily. My eyes began to water but before any tears fell I heard the creek of the front door. Suddenly Junpei and my brother walked in looking somewhat guilty. I didn't have time to think about anything else. I just wanted to pretend this pain didn't exist. I grabbed the bottle and chugged a bit. I think Tomoki could tell I felt uncomfortable. Kouji sat down on the opposite side of me and my nostrils suddenly filled with a familiar charcoal scent. I couldn't place my finger on it.
Kouji nudged me, whispering so only I could hear, "..you okay?"
I nodded, silently persuading him to ignore this discontent feeling.
Junpei stood by the table and spoke, "..you guys want to finish these bottles and play a game?"
Tomoki laughed.
I smiled falsely at him, chugging the bottle more. Kouji studied me obviously getting the feeling I wasn't in my right mind.
"I don't know if it's a good idea," Takuya pouted.
"Oh, I love games!" Rin clapped lightly.
Takuya nodded, suddenly changing his demeanor, "..me too!"
It's like Rin didn't notice Takuya sudden switch but every else could. Honestly, I could barely notice it, myself. The only thing on my mind was; I want to finish this bottle, cry and be in a cold, dark room alone with my brother.
"What game?" Tomoki asked.
"Oh! The pocky game!" Rin suggested.
I flushed.
Kouji muttered, "..no."
Rin frowned. Takuya stared at my twin.
The pocky game? I think.. I actually wouldn't mind playing right now.. shit, I'm drunk.
Tomoki spoke, breaking the awkward silence, "..how about truth or dare?"
"Yeah, sure. It's been awhile," Junpei grinned and settled down next to Rin and Takuya.
"What's that?" Rin asked.
"A simple game I learned awhile back. It's easy," Junpei nodded, but he seemed sad.
I drank out of the bottle and passed it to Kouji who gladly took it. His body heat next to me made me feel like mine was on fire. My stomach burned even more with every sip I took. I could tell the alcohol affected me greatly as it started to blur my vision.
"I'll go first," Takuya offered, turning to his girlfriend, "..Rin, truth or dare?"
"Dare!" She replied.
"I dare you to kiss me," Takuya smiled.
I could hear Kouji groaning under his breath as the two smooched.
"We're here, too," Junpei laughed awkwardly.
"Sorry," Rin giggled, "..Kouichi, truth or dare?"
"Um.. truth," I mumbled.
"Let's see.." Rin thought for a moment, "..what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done on a date?"
"Um.." I was at a loss for words.
Kouji's eyes glanced at me. I could feel my friend's eyes locking on me. I think I hate this question more than anything right now. No matter how drunk I had been I still couldn't figure out how to answer without looking like a complete loser. I stayed quiet a little too long because she spoke again.
"What?" Rin questioned, "..are you actually Mr. Perfect or have you never been on a date?"
I think my face melted off. Kouji was about to speak but Junpei opened his mouth before him.
"Obviously he's Mr. Perfect," Junpei laughed.
"Oh, I believe it," Rin simpered.
Takuya beamed, "..Kouichi, you're turn."
I glanced at Kouji, "..um.. Kouji.."
"Dare," he smirked at me.
"..I dare you to pass the bottle back to me," I smiled.
He grinned and gave me the bottle watching me drink.
"Kouichi, truth or dare?" He spoke.
"Dare."
"Pass that bottle back," he ordered, very lightly laughing.
His husky voice made my face turn red.
Takuya rolled his eyes, "..guys."
Junpei laughed, "..this is one way to get drunk."
"Oh, gimme!" Rin exclaimed as I handed her the bottle.
Takuya held the second bottle in his hands and frowned. I knew what he was thinking, why didn't she take that one?
"You guys want to take a walk?" Tomoki suggested.
Junpei raised his brow, "..drunk walk?"
"Sounds like a great idea," Kouji said sarcastically.
I don't think anyone caught on because people started to stand.
"This is exciting!" Rin said, grabbing Takuya's hand, "..bring the bottles!"
Kouji sighed and stole a bottle back. Junpei opened the door and held it as everyone walked out. I didn't realize how inebriated I actually had been as I stumbled out the door and down the stairs. I felt nauseous, dizzy and I saw two of everyone. I felt like it was my first time all over again.
Maybe walking is a bad idea..
Kouji held one bottle while Takuya held the other. Takuya had trouble gripping Rin's hand as she skipped out of the yard. Tomoki strolled next to Junpei and mumbled something I couldn't hear. I glanced at Kouji to see he was already staring at me.
Does he hear my heart pounding right now? It's so loud, it's embarrassing.
KOUJI'S POV
We followed behind everyone down the road. I met Kouichi's eyes and felt the need to either kiss him or hold his hand but couldn't. I wanted to say something to him but I didn't know what.
How long am I going to keep this a secret? Apparently until I'm a hundred years old.
"Where are we going?" Tomoki asked Junpei a bit loudly.
"I don't know. I don't live around here," Junpei shrugged, looking towards me, "..Kouji, where to?"
There's only one place that I know to go this late but I wasn't sure if I wanted everyone to know about it. It wasn't as if it was purely Kouichi's and my spot or property but I kind of felt like everyone being there could possibly taint it. In any case, I shouldn't think like this. Judging by Kouichi's drunk face he needed to sit at a quiet spot. He probably needed his bed more but there was a part of me that actually wanted to walk with him.. and consciously.
"Just follow the road," I guided from behind everyone.
I watched everyone begin to head out a few steps ahead before taking Kouichi's hand in mine. He turned pink and stared at me. I didn't have an explanation for him but did I ever? The way he gripped my hand in return made me feel like I had super powers. He had a twinkle in his eye when he looked at me. He seemed enticing, almost inviting me to do something. We walked closer together; our hands interlocked and hidden behind out coat-sleeves.
Why is he looking at me like that? It's like he's daring me..
Junpei turned back to me and smiled. I think he noticed mine and Kouichi's hands. I glared at him momentarily but couldn't keep it up. Maybe he was the one person on this earth I didn't mind showing this secretive relationship to.
"Where now?" Junpei spoke quietly.
"Go left up there. You'll see the park," I told him.
Junpei nodded and turned forward, jogging to catch up to Rin, Tomoki and Takuya. I looked at Kouichi again; he seemed pretty phased.
"You okay?" I asked, giving his hand a squeeze.
Kouichi pouted at me, "..I'm tired."
"You're just drunk," I laughed.
"No.." Kouichi mumbled, smiling, "..well, yeah."
Why is he so cute all the time?
"Oh! Look at that!" Rin exclaimed loudly pointing towards the tunnel.
She skipped through it. Everyone did. We followed slowly behind. The darkness of the tunnel gave my twin and I comfort. Everyone hit the end of the tunnel and started spreading out onto the park area.
"I'm going to go watch the kids," Junpei laughed.
I nodded, watching him walk off into the park.
I'm alone.. with Kouichi.. finally.
I walked closer to Kouichi and slowed our pace as we approached the end of the tunnel. I came to a stop and Kouichi turned towards me with question in his eyes. I handed him the bottle as he smiled. He chugged it once more, rubbing his sleepy eyes. I watched him sigh, slowly settling down in the tunnel. I could see Kouichi's face clearly glowing red.
"It's nice in here.." I started, sitting next to him, "..quiet."
What a dumb thing to say..
He nodded, sipping the bottle once more. I held my hand out for the alcohol but he drank again.
"Share?" I frowned.
Kouichi grinned deviously. Something about his twisted grin made my stomach flip. My angel was no longer innocent and pure. He sat in my lap and embraced me tenderly. His face moved closer to mine and I could smell liquor on his breath. I should have seen this coming; when we're drunk and alone he always acts like this with me. Hopefully, just me. Our lips met and the passion mutually began. It was at this point I realized Junpei's feeling that this would work was maybe, actually right.
Something deep down inside me told me he was just drunk and acting out but I couldn't help but feel like he returned my feelings. With every tongue-dance and skin-touch I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper. I set the bottle down next to us, the glass rocked on the concrete. I couldn't think in this moment; the skin on his back felt so soft, almost like I was touching silk. I heard him whimper, almost pleading for more of the physical love that I was gifting him. My lips traveled to his cheek where I placed a few small kisses, almost to tell him he was more to me than a drunk fling. Kouichi wrapped his arms around my neck and nuzzled his face into my neck. His warm breath on my collarbone sent slight shivers down my body. I grasped his hair gently and sighed, bracing myself for what I was about to admit.
"Kouichi, I need to tell you something."
"Hm?" He mumbled quietly, body limp.
"Something has been on my mind for a long time.. and I think it's finally time that I told you. I mean, we don't keep things from each other, right? So you deserve to know.. everything.. even if you might hate me- so, um, I.." I sighed again, "..I like you."
"I like you, too," Kouichi muttered sluggishly.
"W-what?" My eyed widened.
I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't actually expecting that response. Maybe this really wasn't one-sided.
Who am I kidding, am I deaf? This isn't one-sided at all! He said it.. he proved it.. I'm.. I'm so happy! I need to hear him say it again.. just one more time.
Kouichi still didn't reply to my last question and it worried me.
"What did you say?" I asked frantically.
Kouichi stayed still and quiet. My impatience grew immensely so I pushed him off me to see his pouting, sleepy face. He rubbed his eyes, grumpily and drunkly. I sighed, propping him up against the tunnel wall.
A small part of me wanted to punch him and the other part wanted to cry. I cursed under my breath, wishing he actually spoke soberly. He's not in the right state of mind to speak facts. One-sided or not, I still didn't know. Maybe this was my fault; I shouldn't have said anything while we were drinking so heavily. His body limped and his head fell on my shoulder. I heard his light breathing that proved he had fallen asleep. I brought my hand up to his head to rub his cheek. Red-faced and unproblematic; he's a sleeping angel right now.
Kouichi.. I said it.. and you said it back.. do you even know what you said? Am I hearing things? People speak truth when they're drunk, right? They do stupid things, too. I don't know, anymore. I hate this. I should have waited. But.. they don't call it liquid courage for no reason.. Damn it.
I exhaled deeply and pushed Kouichi's head off of me, quickly throwing off my jacket and turning it into a makeshift pillow. I laid Kouichi's head on it and stood, grabbing the bottle. I quickly chugged the rest of it and set it back on the ground. He doesn't know how much effort it took to be this vulnerable with him but I can't even blame him. I'm the dumb one. I shot him one last sad glance before I began walking towards the park.
I can't believe I said that.. and I'm still lost.
"Hey, Junpei," I called out towards the tall boy.
Junpei turned to me while the others played on the swing set. We jogged towards each other.
"What's up?" Junpei asked.
"Kouichi fell asleep," I stated, swaying a bit.
Junpei stared; his eyes seemed to look right through me.
I glared at him, "..what?"
"You're.. blushing."
"Shut up," I rolled my eyes, "..it's just the alcohol."
"Sure.." Junpei laughed, "..okay. So, Kouichi really fell asleep?"
"Yeah," I replied, somewhat irritated, "..he's out cold."
I lit a cigarette without caring who would see me.
"You're brave," Junpei said, pointing at the cigarette.
"You have no idea," I inhaled, shaking my head.
The cold night air gave me goosebumps.
"Did something happen?" He asked, "..you're face.. looks-"
I can't talk about it. Not right now.
"No. Stop assuming," I scolded him.
Junpei smirked, "..okay."
The way he said that annoyed me. I knew he didn't believe me but I didn't care.
"Hey, guys! Let's go back!" Junpei called to the group in the park.
Nobody replied. I wasn't sure if they ignored him or didn't hear but I just wanted to get Kouichi to a real bed.
"We can just leave them here," I said quietly.
"I'm actually thinking about it," Junpei grinned.
I took one last hit off the cigarette before putting it out seeing Tomoki glance our way. I didn't really need our friends to see me; they might say something to my brother. Tomoki jogged over to us and looked at Junpei.
"You said something?" Tomoki asked.
"Kouichi fell asleep," Junpei told him, chucking, "..he needs his bed, not concrete."
"Do you need to get your car?" Tomoki asked.
"Yeah," Junpei thought momentarily.
"You guys go," Tomoki suggest, "..I feel fine. I'll stay here with Rin and Takuya."
"You sure?" Junpei frowned.
"Yeah!" Tomoki assured, "..I'm sure!"
"Okay. I'll go get the car," Junpei turned to me, "..come on."
Tomoki jogged back to the park. I didn't want a cigarette or even more alcohol, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
"Um.. how do we get Kouichi-" I furrowed my brow.
"I'll just carry him. I'm a big guy!" Junpei grinned.
For once, I'm jealous of Junpei.
"Let's go," I grumbled.
I lead Junpei to Kouichi's sleeping body. He stared at Kouichi for a long minute. Junpei turned to me and smiled.
I frowned, "..what?"
"You gave him your jacket."
"So?"
"It's pretty cold out."
"Your point?"
"No point. It's just cute," Junpei said with a giggle.
"Screw you," I crossed my arms.
"I'm sorry," Junpei held back any laughter and picked Kouichi up off the ground.
Junpei's teasing can go to hell.
I threw my jacket back on before turning behind me to see the three relaxing on the swing set still. I tossed the empty bottles in a nearby trash can and followed beside Junpei as we began down the road.
Seeing Junpei carry him bridal style caused me to feel envy. When we were kids, Junpei was bigger but in a sense of saying something different. Currently he was big-boned, tall and even with muscle. Maybe I have gotten taller and stockier since then, too, but I was no Junpei. If I was, I could carry Kouichi home without a problem, too.
Junpei said, "..he looks even more harmless when he's sleeping."
I groaned.
Harmless? Yeah.. definitely wholesome and saintly. The way he looks.. he looks best after I kiss him.. when he's flustered and attractively blushing with dreaminess and innocence. He's so aesthetically pleasing it actually hurts me. I just want to kiss him again.. damn, I really am drunk if I'm thinking this openly, even if no one could hear me..
Junpei eyed me as we strolled down the road together. He yearned to say something though I have the feeling he didn't know what to say exactly. Kouichi moaned very lightly in his sleep, I didn't look at him even though his small noise attracted me.
With every step we took it just reminded me that I ripped myself open at the entirely wrong place and time. I messed up and now I'm still left wondering in the dark.
"I got the door," I said as I opened the front door widely.
Junpei nodded and stepped inside. He placed him on the bed and smiled watching Kouichi curl to his side. I sighed, rubbing my face. I must have looked stressed because Junpei frowned deeply at me.
"Kouji?"
"Hm?"
"Something on your mind?"
"Nope," I threw the blanket gently on my brother.
We wandered out the door as I switched off the bedroom light. As soon as we hit the living room he spoke again.
"If something happened.. you can tell me," Junpei crossed his arms.
"I'm tired and we work in the morning," I mumbled, ignoring what he had said.
Junpei exhaled deeply, "..alright. I'll leave. But if you need to talk, I'm only a phone call away."
"Yeah," I nodded, rubbing my face again.
Now wasn't the time for any of this.
"G'night," he spoke quietly as he left.
I watched Junpei walk out the front door and sighed, completely relieved. I peered into the bedroom to see my twin sleeping in a fetal position holding Chiyo. Inwardly, I was glad to see it had been Chiyo and not Mori.
I wanted to put him in comfortable pajama pants to sleep but I didn't want to bother him while he slept soundly in that balled-up position. I crawled in bed next to him, not caring if I, myself, was wearing jeans. I just wanted to be next to him so badly. My mind raced at a thousand thoughts per second, it seemed almost impossible to stop my brain from producing a book of anxiety. I placed a small kiss on his forehead, and wrapped my arms around him. I pulled him close to me, as close as possible, and hoped what he had said to me was true even in his drunken state.