Older and Wiser Chapter 32: 32 I Cant Stop, a digimon fanfic

(I can't stop-damien)

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

WARNING

Drugs

I have to put a crazy warning because this chapter is baddddd.

KOUJI'S POV

Kouichi never remembered that night. Of course he wouldn't, why would I expect any different, anyway? I have the worst luck. He said he just remembers walking and that's as far as he could get. I couldn't fathom telling him the rest of the story. He may have responded positively, but he was extremely drunk. Honestly, there was a bit of relief knowing I didn't have to brace myself for the possible negative sober response but I still sort of wished my words had gotten through that night. Now I'm back at square one just when I thought this was successful and finally ending.

I.. I hate alcohol.. but I love it.. I hate it for the black outs.. but I love the courage. I'm tired.. just so tired. I may be looking like I barely try.. but I really do.. sometimes it takes a lot out of me.. sometimes, too much.

That same night after he fell asleep I had gotten a message on my phone. I was nodding off when some unknown force actually made me check it. The message was from my old dealer and it made me grin almost deviously. He could meet up with me tomorrow night. I would use the rest of my paycheck to flip what I could get and keep saving this money. In no time I'd have enough for a down payment for another place and Kouichi would finally be content walking around a living space. Of course I would wait until late that night when my brother falls asleep before I would even leave to meet up with my dealer. If he were to catch me, there would definitely be hell to pay.

•••

Earlier in the morning, before we left for work, Kouichi had woken up a little sick. He didn't want to skip out on work with me, however, so he kept a bottle of water on him at all times. I told him to stay home but he just wouldn't listen. Eventually I surrendered, after all, I always enjoyed his company. I wondered if he knew that. The work day was extra slow. Barely any customers came into the store that even said more than one word to me. Maybe the night shift was busier but I wasn't sure. The area wasn't very populated at all and was kind of surrounded by rough, run-down and low income neighborhoods.

I always hated when people talked to me; small talk was absolutely the worst. I think the only thing I hated more was watching my brother's attempt to be content with small talk from a stranger as well. He didn't have my intimidating nature so it wasn't like he could mentally get them to leave. I learned my lesson from that last time so I know better than to let Kouichi loose in the store. It may be 'possessive' like Junpei called it but I didn't want to deal with friendly people conversing with my brother all the time. Whether Kouichi was uncomfortable or not; I was.

Junpei walked in the store around one and we traded off. He mentioned something to us, asking if we were okay, probably because we looked somewhat exhausted but we reassured him we were just fine. Honestly, I didn't know about Kouichi, but I know I wasn't at all. I can't even look him in the eye for too long without feeling immensely upset. On the way back from work he kept yawning and rubbing his eyes. His tired eyes watered, his cheeks flushed with desire for sleep and his lips in a pout, almost begging for a pillow. No matter how attractive he looked to me in this moment I can't help but feel angry. It wasn't his fault, I know that and I need to stop thinking so negatively but I can't help it. I just feel so stupid.

As soon as we got home he fell into his bed dramatically. Right before he fell asleep he held his hand out for me, as if asking mentally to come sleep next to him. I don't know what came over me but I took his hand and placed a quick and gentle kiss on his knuckles. He stared at me with wide eyes, his face as red as a strawberry. I thought his expression was hilarious though I didn't laugh one bit. I whispered to him to sleep without me, I would be in here shortly. He didn't question it, just let me off the hook. When he closed his eyes to fall asleep I realized the fuss he never made whenever I did crazy and romantic gestures.

He's only okay with it because he's too nice, right? He's probably thinking, 'gross.. that's my brother'.. but.. what if this is different?

Melancholy kicked in as I sat on the couch in complete dread and regret. I flipped open my phone to check my messages again and saw nothing new. I don't know what I was expecting anymore.

After his nap Kouichi decided to make us some food. There wasn't a lot in the kitchen except for instant noodles, eggs and rice. I suggested going to the groceries store and one that bastard Mori didn't work at. We thought it was a great idea just to grab a few ingredients. Shopping with him was so exciting; he hooked my arm a few times and always smiled so genuinely. My butterflies were too intense around him; I almost felt like I could vomit. He made a simple Okaka onigiri. He added extra salty flavor just for me. I think he's been with me long enough to know I love it. I tried to help him make the rice balls but he wouldn't allow me. He just told me to relax and eat. Something of it reminded me of a mother.

This day went by fast. Around seven at night, after Kouichi showered, he decided to bring out his sketch book. I munched on another rice ball as he stared at the blank pages. I grinned, requesting another wolf picture. I always liked them; strong-willed and some born leaders. He took his time all the while a few hours went by. Eventually he began to rub his eyes and I knew it was a sign of exhaustion. The cute way he sheepishly showed me the picture made me want to kiss him. He said it wasn't finished but he was too tired to carry on. I nodded, as if I understood, but the only thing going through my mind was it was just another treasure to forever stay in my pocket.

When Kouichi finally went to bed he did it again. He held out his hand and honestly I couldn't say no this time. Eventually when he fell asleep, I left to sit in the living room. After all, I had something else on my mind rather than sleep.

Two in the morning and finally I received a message saying the old source could come by now. I peeked in the bedroom and I heard the slight snore from my brother notifying me he was sound asleep. I crept out of the house quietly and unnoticed, quickly giving my old dealer a call. He answered with a whisper, this old familiar voice made me stomach turn. I remember when I first met him under the bleachers; he's the one that introduced me to a lot of things and a lot of bad habits. Probably some things I could have done without but still felt thankful for. I knew Kouichi wasn't a fan of him, but what he doesn't know now won't hurt him, right?

I tried to speak to my old dealer but before I even got to finish my question he cut me off saying he couldn't talk much on the phone and that he would pull up in twenty minutes. I didn't even get to say goodbye before he hung up. I wasn't surprised, this is how he always had been, but that last phone call seemed increasingly suspicious. I figured now was as good as a time as any to have a smoke break. I lit my cigarette and began heading to my old house, I never told him I ended up moving but maybe this was for the better. I didn't want my brother's address leaked. I inhaled the smoke as if it would save me from inappropriate thoughts. I shivered, the cold night air seemed unforgiving. At one point I breathed out but instead of smoke I ended up seeing my breath.

I shouldn't be doing this, I know, but I have to do what I have to.. anything to keep my twin from going insane. Kouichi would understand, right? Well, he wouldn't have to. It's another secret I'm keeping until I'm one hundred years old, apparently.

I stood in front of my house and frowned. It seemed dull and ominous. I still felt the wickedness looming over the house. I puffed the cigarette practically glaring and glooming at the self-made prison.

I really hate this place.

I growled under my breath, noticing it had already been twenty minutes. I decided to light another cigarette, chain smoking wasn't a habit I'd fallen into for a long time. I always remembered smoking myself sick when I was lived at my old house. I wondered if being here had something to do with it. The cigarette pack I had was almost gone and it just upset me. Maybe I should just steal a pack from work; it's not like my boss would fire me. I shouldn't keep asking Junpei to get them; neediness, dependency and expectation just wasn't in my vocabulary. Addiction, maybe.

When the old dealer finally pulled up he was in a car I've never seen before. It was shiny, black and looked almost brand new. He rolled down the window very slightly and ordered me to get in. I did so, throwing the cigarette on the ground. The car sat quietly in idle. I scanned him momentarily, sitting wearily in the passenger seat to see he had expensive looking clothes on and sunglasses that covered his eyes untrustingly well. I didn't know why he would need shades at two AM but my guess was he was hopped up and his eyes were red and boggled. Judging by how things have escalated this year, I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up taking harder drugs than he did last year.

I didn't have a chance to talk to him on the phone. He didn't even ask me what I needed, I'm guessing he assumed it was the regular.

"Need different?" He asked quietly as he lit a cigarette.

The pungent smell and thicker smoke made me realize it was a joint.

"Well.." I told him, "..anything I could get for the this."

I held out an envelope of money. He puffed the joint and smirked. It made me somewhat uncomfortable.

"I'm in the same predicament I was in before," I admitted.

Maybe it wasn't one hundred percent true, but it was the truth enough. He didn't ask questions; it was very normal of him.

"Yeah?" He nodded to himself, holding out the joint to me, "..you want?"

I want to take it.. so bad.. but I promised..

"Don't worry, this one isn't laced," he snickered.

My brow furrowed, it wasn't necessarily what made me hesitate to begin with but it gave me a chance to actually take it. Screw it, I thought. It's just this once. I inhaled the sweet, neurotic smoke and exhaled slowly. I coughed slightly and passed it back to him as he smiled. I came clean to him; telling him when it came to selling I practically lost all my clients because of my ignorance. A lot of things happened in my personal life that caused me to never have time. What I didn't tell him was the full truth; I moved and my twin made me stop.

He seemed surprised that I had clients to begin with and it bothered me. I always bought so much from him, did he really think it was all personal use? He told me he trusts me and I was always his best customer. It almost made me nauseous. Did I really buy and sell that much back then? We didn't have a partnership worked out back in the day. It's frankly disgusting, how much did he think I used?

"You could be like my second in command. My.. business.. has gotten a lot larger.. I wouldn't mind the help."

I took his offer. Anybody that needed to go through him when he wasn't around I would be there instead. I didn't like it, in fact, time was a problem. I didn't tell him exactly but Kouichi was the problem; he's around me all the time and would definitely figure it out seeing a new car pulling up to our work and our house every hour.

I told him I work in a very populated area; which wasn't true but he didn't ask any more than that.

I got an idea; I told him I could be available late nights and sometimes around two in the afternoon. He almost ignored what I had said and seemed just fine with recruiting me. He said selling is his only job apparently and that's where he makes all of his money from; even paid for his new car and a house with it. It kind of scared me, what did he turn into and who was I dealing with now?

"Sell like me and you'll make so much money," he chuckled, "..you have to do what you have to in this shitty world."

I nodded hesitantly. He suggested to buy a separate burner phone when dealing but I didn't care too much having my personal number so visible. He told me to refer to him as Snake when calling him, messaging him or dealing with clients. I understood, and lucky for me because I never remembered his real name anyway. I found his nickname kind of ironic. Snake said I needed a code name as well. I didn't question as he mumbled something about his paranoia. He told me to start wearing a hood, face mask or even sunglasses to protect my identity.

What the hell is this turning into? I've never done that before..

He dubbed me as Rat. He said it fit; I was sneaky, introverted and people didn't really like me. I almost laughed because he was completely right. He said I would get messages and calls from random numbers at any time during the day and night and it was best to be cautious and turn a phone on silent. I wasn't sure why just a few calls would alarm anyone but he seemed urgent about it.

He gave me some marijuana, pills and cocaine. My stomach twisted terribly seeing those familiar colors again. Yes, I have used them before, and for some reason I felt like I was going to throw up just having them in my eyesight again. He handed me some other things in zip locks that looked like candy, crystals and brown powder. I think he could tell I had been confused by my expression because he explained it was ecstasy, methamphetamine and heroin. I suddenly grew dizzy; I've never even seen those drugs in person before. I would have never known if he didn't tell me.

"Don't look so terrified," Snake smirked, "..it's just a little. You can make a lot of money with that shit."

I nodded, but I felt uneasy.

"I put a new scale in that bag," he said as he inhaled, "..my clients can get a little.. antsy if they feel ripped off."

His grin could give me nightmares. Snake told me to keep the money I was going to give him to begin with. At the end of the supply, just give him half the money. It sounded so easy though I know it was going to be difficult just having these things nearby me again. Especially those new things. I was overly interested but I had to keep reminding myself nothing is for personal use. I need to keep Kouichi in my mind.

Snake said he could definitely trust me, and even if I skipped out on him he knew my name, phone number, family and more. I didn't ask questions; whatever intimidation game he played, I just let him win. This wasn't a battle I needed to fight, anyway. I had my own goal, just like he did. He gave me everything in a multiple paper groceries bags. Smartly, he put some in mason jars which helped with any skunk-like odor.

I'm really doing this shit again. Kouichi.. don't be too mad if you find out..

I lit another cigarette and waited until I saw him drive off to begin walking back to the house I was about to taint. I needed to find a good hiding spot; after all it wasn't like I was just trying to hide a pack of cigarettes. He gave me more than expected; I had to hide thousands of dollars worth of drugs and I didn't know how. Maybe a high shelf? Behind Kouichi's dresser? Wait.. perfect.. underneath his mom's old mattress? Disrespectful, probably, but genius. Evil, but smart. He would never look in there. He barely could walk by that door without freaking out. This was utterly, disgustingly perfect.

As I tip-toed inside the house, I peered into Kouichi's room to make sure he was still asleep. I went into his mom's room and shoved everything underneath the mattress. I felt like a sad, unnerving criminal but I did what I thought I had to do in that moment. It was like Snake told me; you do what you have to do in this shitty world.

I set my phone on silent and gently crawled into bed next to my brother. He stirred in his sleep, his hand moved to grip my collar of my shirt. I bit my lip; between him and getting back into selling, my nerves were completely shot.

•••

The very first thing I did when I woke up was check my phone. I was amazed to already see two messages from different people. I was a bit confused; I thought I was only going to be the backup at night but apparently Snake just threw me out in the actual pit. Within five hours I became another main supplier. I could only imagine to how many messages Snake would wake up to. There's no doubt in my mind he's doing this to make more money; because I'm there, he can sell twice as much. He's just a hopped up evil genius.

Kouichi pouted hearing his alarm go off. I smiled, pushing his hair back. He stared at me with his tired, shining eyes. I told him to go to the bathroom and wash his face, it would wake him up, and I would make some coffee. He nodded, smiling. I sighed, he's always so attractive. Even the smallest notion he gave me had me blissful.

I watched as he disappeared into the bathroom sighed deeply, trudging into the kitchen. Maybe I was making coffee as a kind gesture for my twin but it was also a distraction. It's like I said, having those things I used to be so dependent on in the house was a little unnerving. I longed for those feelings again; the stimulants would make me feel like I could conquer anything, the downers would calm me and I wouldn't have emotion. The weed, well, just calmed my anxiety. That's all I ever had and now that there were three new substances in the house with me I kind of wanted to try them. I didn't, wouldn't and couldn't.

These thoughts are disgusting. I stopped a long time ago.. because of him. He made it so easy. I thought it would be hard but it wasn't. Now I can't get these thoughts out of my head because I brought this shit back into my life. I'm stronger than this, I need to keep telling myself that.. I don't need any of this.

I finally opened the messages. One just said 'Rat'. I assume they wanted to make sure it was actually me. The other said 'got candy'.

Candy, huh? Reminds me of the first time I ever sold. I had no idea what anything was.. the street names were confusing.. now I know most of the underground language and its kind of embarrassing.

I replied 'yes' to the both messages and pushes my phone deep into my pocket. My chest was hurting too much.

After work, Kouichi's nap and much later in the day I finally open my phone back up to see eight messages. I wasn't expecting so many, but then again, why wouldn't I? Snake told me he got bigger and I had a feeling I shouldn't have gotten involved in another drug scheme; especially one as apparently big as this had grown into.

With every message I began speaking another language. Kouichi thought it was a little odd I was on my phone so much but he didn't speak of it. This is what I didn't want him to see; I wanted to save the phone conversations for when he was asleep.

'Brown sugar.. french fries.. blueberries.. candy.. special k.. Christina.. stardust..' All of these damned things I have to re-learn.. and I have to know when I do and don't have that substance.. but.. these are some extremely hard drugs being asked for that I didn't have.. like ketamine. What was Snake selling? What did I get myself into? Damn it.. I may have some crystal but.. this is crazy..

Remembering any street names so quickly put a bad taste in my mouth. Around midnight my brother fell asleep. I had another few people message me and I felt a bit overwhelmed. Ten messages would turn into twenty and I almost wanted to quit. One by one I figured out what they needed and I had to go back and forth to my old house to meet them. I didn't want them to come to Kouichi's place. It was three in the morning and I still haven't gotten it all done. I was completely frustrated, my head was clogged with pressure and I was submerged in guilt. Nicotine wasn't cutting it for me so I broke the cigarette apart and used the wrapping as a joint paper.

If I didn't feel guilty before, I do now.

I stood in front of my old prison with anxiety for what was to come. I lit the joint and cigarette at approximately the same time. I had stolen a pack from work earlier and oddly enough I didn't feel bad about it.

I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight.

•••

Fuck it, I thought. My brother was taking another after work nap and I decided to drink. I don't touch alcohol that much anymore, especially alone, but today I just felt lonely. The bottle was untouched and full, he would definitely notice but if the only thing he noticed about me was that I decided to drink a bit then everything was alright. No matter how bad my stomach or throat burned, it felt good. Reminded me of when I depended on it along with other things. Nicotine, THC and stimulants; what was next? I had a terrible feeling there would be more.

Before, I had stolen a pack of cigarettes from work; this time it was rolling papers. Once again, I didn't feel bad.

I barely spoke to Junpei when I saw him at work. He always gave me looks of question but never really asked much. Anytime he messaged me I wouldn't respond. I wasn't surprised I never got a message from Takuya, though, that guy was in another world with his new lover.

Another few days have passed and I've barely acquired any sleep. The darkness under my eyes showed a bit. Kouichi asked if I was feeling okay, but I reassured him I was just tired. I gave him a kiss on the forehead to reassure him and he just grew quiet and turned red. He was so easy to fool sometimes. We may be mentally connected but it only goes as far as empathy for him.

Snake messaged me asking if I was doing alright and I only replied with a small 'yes'. I never got another message from him and honestly it didn't bother me. I was surprised he had checked up on me to begin with; maybe he thought I had quit on him and eloped.

Two weeks had passed and staying up late at night just to sell wasn't getting any easier. I thought about using a stimulant to stay awake and that's exactly what I did. I had a lot of people to meet in the night and I needed to stay alert and conscious. In some ways, cocaine helped me to stay awake and much more. For some reason I thought it was a good idea to let myself indulge just this one time but it always turned into a daily habit. A lot of the times I did it back then my sleep schedule was so messed up I couldn't get to sleep until seven in the morning. I always heard meth was like this but worse.

One day.. I could try.. but.. I can't think like this.. damn it.. I'm disgusting.

Days went by and I started to care less and less. I tried not to use any stimulants some days but sometimes I just couldn't help it. I even allowed myself to try something worse; meth. I always felt okay by myself, being high in seclusion never made me feel at fault. When Kouichi was around I felt guilty and my mind always wondered if I had been acting obvious around him. I controlled any of my mood swings around him though sometimes an obnoxious laugh or glare would slip through.

Sometimes I would be in a weirdly bad mood and thought something else could help me. At that point I took a Xanax and I couldn't begin to explain how robotic and apathetic I felt. It was amazing; the calmness.

However, I thought it was amazing, but Kouichi didn't. He seemed to be uncomfortable in the way I was acting. Nonchalant, uncaring, quiet, reserved; all the things I had been to other people I was now acting like that around him. Even when I tapped his head he seemed to flinch with worry. One day I think I irked him to the point of him actually somewhat questioning me.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked, weary of his words.

"No," I said blandly.

It was the downer in my system that caused me to act so uncaring towards him. Though it wasn't true, I cared so much, my actions seems to speak a lot louder.

"You act like you do," he mumbled, sulking on the couch, "..you barely talk to me. You're always on your phone.. ignoring me."

I wish you didn't notice.

"I'm just tired a lot," I smirked, "..I'm not used to working all the time.. especially mornings."

"Yeah," he said sadly.

He didn't seem convinced but gave up on pressing any further. His pout gave me butterflies though they would rather hard to feel right now.

"Want to do something today? Just me and you," I sat next to him.

No matter how uncaring a drug could make me; it was hard to not care about the one person I couldn't live without.

"Do.. what?" He gazed at me.

I felt calm but tired. This drug was making it difficult to actually give into any emotion; even showing any.

"Tea? Movies?" I forced a grin, "..dinner?"

His demeanor didn't change too much, he still looked disappointed and sad. I nudged his shoulder, attempting to widen my smile.

"Anything you want," I finished.

He leaned back, eyeing me as he took my hand in his. He sat there for a moment, his eyes traveling to my hand. I didn't notice anything wrong with it; I wasn't pale and shaking or anything abnormal.

"You're so cold," he muttered, "..you'll get sick."

He moved closer to me, resting his head on my shoulder and taking my arm and cuddled it. He was so warm.

"What do you want to do?" I asked, almost as if I barely heard him.

"Just stay like this," he sighed, "..if that's okay."

My heart pained but not as much as it would have. The downer I took really buried and numbed any emotion. The entire time we stayed in this position the only thing that crossed my mind is I wonder how many messages I had. It sickened me. Normally I would be so ecstatic to be like this with him but I could barely feel anything anymore.

•••

One night at around three in the morning I was persuaded to stay home 'sick'. Snake had called me and I quietly answered outside in the yard. I lit a cigarette, trying to focus on his words but I didn't know if it was any of the drugs in my system or if this conversation was just that hard to follow.

Snake asked to take me with him to a big 'event'. He informed me his brother would be there and it angered me; after all, he was one of the bullies from the carnival. I don't think the stimulants I took helped in this situation because I just wanted to punch someone. He said it would only be us, plus his friend whom was a fellow second in command. Apparently all of us were partners and I didn't realize it. He wanted to take me to go see 'the boss'.

His source?

It actually terrified me.

I told him I have to work but he just kept pressuring me to take a sick day. He kept saying that I wouldn't even need a job at how much money I'm about to be making. He may be right, but Kouichi would wonder why I quit my job to begin with.

If it weren't someone that held my money accountable I probably wouldn't have done it. I reassured him I would take an actual sick day and he said he would pick me up at eight or nine in the morning. Apparently it was an hour drive there.

At seven in the morning I acted sick though I barely had to try. The cocaine made my skin hot, my nose run and my body tense every so often. Kouichi wanted to stay home with me but I wouldn't let him.

I feel so stupid. I didn't want him to go to to work by himself for fear of something else stupid happening but these damned drugs just made it so hard to think rationally. He left for work but I actually asked Junpei to pick him up; I really didn't think a forty minute walk to work by himself would be good. Junpei came inside to say hi before he left but I just pretended to be asleep.

When Kouichi left I could hear his voice wavering. I think it freaked him out to see me sick; even though I really wasn't. I think Kouichi thought back to mom and it made me feel actually pretty guilty to fake a sickness.

Around eighty-thirty in the morning I waited outside of my old house with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I threw on a hoodie before I left; Snake reminded me to try to cover my identity and maybe he was right. If we were dealing with a giant drug cartel handing out Benzodiazepine, steroids, hallucinogens and Methamphetamine, then he's completely right.

When I got in the car I realized all of the other boys were already in as well. I sat in the backseat without someone I didn't know but surprisingly it wasn't as weird and I thought it would be. The car began moving and I feel like I left my stomach back where I stood.

Snake attempted to light a joint but failed.

"Rat, give me a lighter," Snake demanded, holding his hand out.

I did as he asked and put my lighter in his hand. I shifted in my seat, the hood I wore over my head did a pretty good job of covering my face.

"Smoking wet?" His brother laughed in the passenger seat.

He held out his hand for the joint.

Snake snickered, "..just some hard shit."

"You're so full of shit, dude," the friend next to me shook his head.

"Rat, this is Lizard. The bug next to you is Roach," Snake inhaled, his voice wheezing as he coughed and attempted to hold his breath.

I have never seen his friend before. Roach rolled his eyes, not bothering to even look in my direction. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye. He had long hair pulled into a low ponytail like I did but he seemed to have some kind of sores on his face. I looked away immediately; I knew what it had been.

Lizard looked back at me and scanned me. Even through his sunglasses I could see his eyes light up.

"I know you!" Lizard grinned, "..what's up?"

I frowned as he held out of hand for a fist bump.

I wished he didn't remember me.

"You know him?" Snake asked.

"Well, kind of," Lizard laughed.

I'm a little uncomfortable.. but he seems to be really cool with me..

"Pass me that shit, will you?" Roach grumbled practically grabbing the joint.

Snake grinned, reaching down in his pocket to grab a cigarette pack. The car swayed a bit as Roach handed me a the joint. I hit it and immediately knew it had been laced with something. The taste was bitter and indiscreet.

"Damn it, I'm out," Snake growled, "..anyone got a cigarette?"

"Here," Lizard and Roach said in unison.

"I don't want no damned menthol," Snake rolled his eyes, "..Rat, do you have that shit, too?"

"No," I muttered, putting a regular cigarette in his hand.

Snake smiled wickedly and widely, "..hell yeah. A real cigarette!"

"Pfft," Lizard lit his own, "..don't be like that. Every cigarette is a real one."

The joint went out but I just set it in the ash tray. No one noticed.

"Whatever," Snake lit his cigarette and handed the lighter back to me, "..here."

A part of me was really relieved to have a cigarette. My heart was pounding severely. Whatever was in that joint was strong. My hands were sweating and shaking.

"You want?" Lizard asked me.

I looked up to see his holding a small bottle of liquor towards me. I took it; I didn't care anymore.

"Clients treating you good, Rat?" He laughed.

"For the most part," I replied, grudgingly, "..one guy blew my phone up because I didn't have any K."

Lizard laughed loudly. I found it weird; around the bullies Lizard actually became a bully. I'm not even on his level of dealing and he practically treats me like a friend already.

"Fuck that person," Snake smirked, "..I have that shit. He's just probably fucked up."

I didn't reply, but I felt uneasy. Whatever that joint was laced with could give me a heart attack. I tried to ignore the fact that Roach was scratching his face and arms so profusely. I just focused on the cigarette smoke flying out the cracked window.

I decided to check my phone. Junpei asked if I was awake to come by and say hi possibly later. I replied saying I'd been napping a lot, don't disturb me.

Snake said he wanted everyone to come along for intimidation, protection and persuasion. They were meeting the big guy, the hawker, the one in charge. Snake's dealer. It's just a simple report but it was more than that to Snake. Snake had to pick up more supply, hoping to get some extra with all of the 'serious partnerships' he'd have tagging along. His dealer was called 'Hawk' ironically, though no one knew his real name or even his face. He always wore a doctor's mask around everyone apparently.

We pulled down a dirt road and traveled for about twenty minutes. There wasn't another house in sight until we pulled up to the one we had been searching for all this time. It was a dingy, abandoned-looking warehouse. We all stepped out of the car; hoods raised and sunglasses concealing our eyes. A grimly man opened the front door and stared intensely at us as Snake spoke 'Hawk'. We strolled inside; I stood behind everyone, forcing my eyes to look at the ground. A strong mix of odors hit my nostrils; ammonia, charcoal and mold.

We stood in front of a large, burly man dressed in a ragged suit. Roach and I kept our mouths shut the entire time he and Snake spoke to each other. Eventually my 'nick name' came up; Snake was explaining how he had to recruit me because his business was so impressively large as of late.

I wasn't sure what he was doing. Whether he had emphasized his success or not, it left a big impact on Hawk and I could feel it hearing his wicked chuckle. He passed Snake a joint, possibly laced, as a congratulatory sign.

Just minutes later I realized whatever plan Snake had worked. We ended up getting a lot of more supply than asked and he wants to celebrate. We stumbled back in the car as Snake hit his steering wheel with delight.

"Fuck yeah," Lizard smiled.

Roach lit a cigarette and exhaled, "..he gave us so much shit for free.. it's insane."

"That was the plan. We brought another partnered dealer; he's congratulating us," Snake laughed, "..you guys want to celebrate?"

"Is that a fucking question?" Roach smirked.

I kept quiet. I didn't know what they were talking about but I let it happen. Snake drove the car as Lizard opened the glove box. He took out some familiar pills and handed one to everyone.

"Love you guys," Snake snickered.

"Shut up, fag. Fucking queer," Lizard rolled his eyes and took the pill.

"What?" Snake frowned, taking the pill.

"You know I hate that gay shit," Lizard shook his head.

His word choice hurt me.

"It's a love-drug, dumbass," Roach chimed in, taking the pill.

"Whatever," Lizard turned up the volume and something full of bass began to play.

I took the pill, lit a cigarette and sighed out of frustration.

"You still hang out with that fag?" Lizard spoke, suddenly turning to me.

I wanted to say something so bad; I know he was referring to my brother. It made me so angry to know he doesn't realize I'm the one that definitely likes the same gender. However sensitive this subject had been, I bit my tongue and shook my head.

Snake spoke, "..Bro, keep our personal lives out of this shit."

Lizard smirked, "..I was just wondering."

Luckily, Snake turned up the music louder. I rolled my eyes and let me ears get plagued by the musical vibrations.

•••

Snake dropped me off at my old house and luckily I didn't say anything about where I really lived. The walk home was insane. The drug kicked in a few minutes before he stopped the car so the walk back home was unreal. I enjoyed the warmth of the sun, the clouds creating shade, the cool breeze and the sound of the trees rustling.

I tried not to ever mix my drugs because I know a lot of side effects could happen but I did this time. I couldn't pay attention to my phone. The ecstasy overtook any feelings I had and I was left with heightened senses and euphoria. I don't think I was just simply happy; I was completed engulfed and drowning in serotonin.

My vision blurred and I was so sensitive to light. My heart was beating so fast it could fly out of my chest at any minute. I only laid in bed hoping it would calm me down. Taking a Xanax or any kind of downer wouldn't be smart; I know mixing drugs was something I didn't need to be doing. Hell, I didn't need to be doing any drugs at all, but look at me now; just laying in bed trying to sleep away the effects.

Oh well.. there's already four different kinds in my system right now..

The ecstasy had triggered hormones that created all feelings of love, attraction and sexual arousal. As soon as Kouichi got home I could hear his footsteps rush to the room. He hovered over me; his mouth was moving but at different rates than the words I actually heard.

"Kouji, you okay? Um, how are you feeling?"

I smirked, holding my hand out, "..never felt better."

"W-what?" Kouichi held my hand but I pushed it away and grabbed his arm.

I pulled him on top of me, grinning with pleasure as he turned red. I touched his hand; our skin touching was the most amazing thing I ever felt. I grazed his lips with my thumb. Every touch gave me a sensation of elation I couldn't describe.

"K-Kouji, what are you doing?" He stared at me, confused.

"I missed you."

I met his eyes, but he seemed worried about something.

"Did you miss me?" I asked, caressing his lips and cheek.

"Um..yes.." Kouichi bit his lip, "..you're acting.. weird."

I smiled, "..I can't enjoy your company?"

"You practically ignored me for days now," he pouted, "..now you're.."

I pulled him closer to me. His nose almost touched mine as his eyes widened.

"..y-you're.." Kouichi couldn't finish his sentence.

I chuckled, "..you're so close to me."

Mentally.. physically..

"Um.." he trailed off.

"Kouichi," I grinned, "..did you have a good day?"

He pulled his face away an inch, "..I guess."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

My voice sounded sad but I felt so excited.

"Am I crushing you?" He deepened in color.

"Nope," I replied.

Even if you were.. I think I'd enjoy it because of this drug.

I kissed his cheek and watched his face light up like a firework.

I hope I don't look like an asshole right now.

Kouichi couldn't speak in the moment.

But he's so cute.

I hugged him.

Am I doing enough?

"Are you.. okay?" He asked.

I want to kiss him.. tell him everything.. come clean.. finally..

"Let's take a nap," I pushed his head in my chest and sighed.

I'm a little frustrated with myself for having those thoughts. He doesn't realize how hard it is to hold back right now.

I wish I was sober right now, for him.

He lifted his head, moving his face closely towards me.

"Hm?"

"Kouji," he pouted, "..you're acting really weird."

I can't hold back. Fuck it.

I smiled, pressing my lips against his. He opened his mouth in surprise as if to say something but I just deepened the kiss. My hand had a firm grip on the back of his head as he struggled to pull back.

I spoke before he could, "..I love you."

I can't even begin to describe how red he turned, "..K-Kouji.. are you d-drunk?"

"Yeah," I said, lying.

I'm such an idiot. What's wrong with me?

"Let's nap," I turned on my side, hiding my face in complete shameful euphoria.

He didn't say anything more towards me and I wasn't sure if I was thankful or terrified.