(93feetofsmoke-adolescence)
This chapter really hurt to write.
WARNING
KOUICHI'S POV
It's been over three weeks now and every day Kouji becomes weirder and weirder. It reminded me of high school with how distant he used to be, but it was never to this extent. I mean, it's odd because he's been distant even with me. Well, except that once. It's extremely bizarre how clingy and close he had gotten that night. I never felt anything like it, this strange passion he showed me only left me more confused. He just seemed like a completely different person, especially lately and I wasn't sure of the cause. He told me he was drunk but honestly, I didn't believe it. No matter how messed up I've seen him he has never acted like that.
I've never felt this way before, and if I had, then this time it was different. I couldn't tell if it was fascism or fascination. Whatever it was, it could be dangerous if I were to get the wrong idea.
He.. loves me? Well, it's what he had said but I'm struggling to believe anything he says lately. It's just brotherly love, isn't it? I should know better. Brotherly love doesn't make you kiss all the time. It's not like I mind it.. I don't think he does, either. Something is happening, isn't it? I feel it.
Whether or not something is happening intimately, it doesn't excuse the way Kouji has been acting. Junpei saw it, too. We've had a few conversations behind Kouji's back. My brother would be so mad to hear us talk about him like we did but I was so worried about him. Junpei told me he never got a reply from Kouji no matter how many times he would message him. It blew my mind because Kouji had been disgustingly glued to his phone for every second of every day.
I wonder what he's doing.. does he have a girlfriend or something? Maybe he was drunk.. and kissed me thinking I was her.. damn it.. why didn't he tell me about her? When did they meet? Aren't I the person he can tell these things to? Maybe it's her now.. I'm.. frustrated.
I wanted to understand what was going on with him but half of me wanted to just hide from everyone and everything. I forced myself to always and endlessly stay by his side. Sometimes I would have to oppress my exhaustion to be at his side although sadly at around two at night I would pass out. I can't even count how many times a day he would leave my side to go to the bathroom.
Is it her?
I needed to know what was going on with him. I can't let myself feel inadequate and left in the dark anymore. I went to the bedroom to lay down for a nap like I usually do after work. Lately Kouji hasn't been laying down with me and it almost broke my heart. I wonder if it's me, his new girlfriend or if something's actually wrong.
Today wasn't any different as he left my side again. I pretended to sleep and stayed as quiet as possible to see if I could hear his speaking. The only things I heard was familiar clicks, he opened and closed a door a few times; I wasn't sure what door. Eventually there was a very faint click and for some reason I felt like it was the front door.
Because I wasn't sure I waited a few minutes before getting out of bed. I didn't see him anywhere. I checked the bathroom, kitchen and even looked around the house. I wanted to message him but I feel like he would never tell me where he went. He promised he would always reply to me but for some reason I don't think he'll keep the promise right now. Maybe I would just wait for him to come back. After all, how could he come up with an excuse so fast being caught off guard like this?
Does Kouji really have a secret girlfriend? Takuya has a girlfriend, too.. and Junpei isn't bad-looking.. he will get one again, probably soon.. I'm so weird.. it's never going to happen for me. Damn, if my brother did get a lover then.. that would explain some things.. I mean.. especially being ignored by him so much.. it's really lonely.
Something inside me wanted to message Junpei but I wasn't sure why. I felt like I needed someone to know I was about to confront my brother. It's just my brother, why did I feel so anxious? However, I didn't message Junpei in the end.
I kept peeking out of the blinds of the window to see if I could see Kouji. Forty or so minutes had passed and I almost wanted to cry.
Where did he go? Will I see her? What if he comes here with her? His moodiness.. is it her? What's wrong with him? Is it me? What's going on? I don't understand anything. I kind of wish I had someone else here.. I don't know why, but I feel so nervous. It's heartbreaking to think I'd see her.. I guess I could hide in bed but.. I just need to know the truth.
I opened my phone to message Junpei but it made me feel guilty to think I could beg him to come and I know he would. He's always so kind to everyone, especially to my brother and I. It's comforting to know he felt just as uneasy about Kouji. It's also crazy to think I'm so nervous about this yet it's just my own twin. I know I keep saying this but it's unreal that I feel like this to begin with.
What's wrong with me? Seriously..
I peered anxiously out the window to see my twin walking to the front of a yard. I squinted my eyes seeing a cloud of smoke above him. He flicked something small before he began to walking through the yard.
He's smoking, isn't he? Is it her? Does she smoke, too? Does he smoke all the time again? But why is he so moody? Is he mad at me because I made him quit? She smokes with him.. right? She gives him all the freedom. Do I just drag him down?
Kouji walked in the door, his head down and his hands in his pockets. His eyes had dark bags, bloodshot and lifeless. He sniffed a few times and his skin had a film of sweat. My heart pounded nonstop and I pouted at him. He locked eyes with me as he shut the door slowly.
He frowned, "..what's up."
The way he spoke didn't sound like a question. Actually, his tone made me feel like I wasn't wanted in this moment at all. Why do I always feel like a burden around him lately? Just looking at him makes me feel like he hates me and just wants to go be with her. He used to make me feel wanted; now I feel repulsive.
"Where did you go?" I questioned, piercing him with my eyes.
Maybe I shouldn't glare at him but I couldn't help it. I'm completely frustrated. I'm hurt but lashing out and it might be the worst idea to let myself do anything like this.
"Does it even matter?" He replied coldly, turning away from my wounded eyes.
"I saw you," I stated.
"Saw me walk through the door?" He scoffed, obviously annoyed.
"Smoking," I muttered, nervously.
I need to stand my ground here..
"And?" He rolled his eyes.
"Kouji.." I stood, taking a step towards him, "..you promised."
"People promise a lot of stupid shit."
His words.. hurt me..
"Is it.. her?" My eyes shifted downward.
"Her?" Kouji frowned.
"You have a g-girlfriend, right?" I blurted reluctantly, reflecting my insecurities completely with my shaking voice, "..she smokes with you?"
"You could say that," Kouji chuckled and it surprised me.
What's so funny? This is really irritating me.. does he not take me seriously?
"W-what?" I rubbed my arm in confusion, "..so, what's her n-name?"
"She has a lot of names."
What the hell does that mean?
"Oh, n-nicknames?" I replied quietly, uninterested in hearing any of these pointless details.
What's her real name? Who is she? Why am I so angry?
"Crystal, Angel, Hazel, Mary J-"
"Kouji, those aren't nicknames," I spoke sullenly.
"Well you fuckin' asked," he snapped.
Why is he cussing at me? Why does he look like he hates me? So, this is what it feels like? To have the one person you care about so much.. actually hate you. It's so lonely.
"Why are you acting so mean?" I pressed.
"Mean? Mean?! You're such a child," Kouji said harshly but with a provoking grin.
"Why are you being such an asshole to me?" I spoke, surprised with myself.
I don't curse at him at all so when I did just now I completely shocked myself. I expected Kouji to become enraged and return some vulgarity but he began to terrify me even more when he didn't.
He chuckled gravely, "..I haven't had my daily dose of calm."
What does that mean? Why is he talking to me in riddles? He said he has a girlfriend he smokes with but I don't understand all those names. Am I missing something? Does he have more than one? I hate this. Why is he acting above me? It's how the bullies used to look at me and I really, utterly despise it.
"Obviously," I retorted icily, "..that doesn't mean you can parade around being a jerk-"
"You're so damn sensitive," Kouji rolled his eyes, attempting to walk away.
I grabbed his hand and protested, "..and you're being weird. Why?"
He stepped close to me, his face on top of mine. His breath smelled of smoke.
"Kouichi, fuckin' lay off me," he grumbled, his eyes piercing, cursing words stinging my ears.
My eyes began to water. I didn't want to cry but I couldn't help it. I had a bad feeling and I was right. I wished I sent that message to Junpei. The confusion was otherworldly and I think I needed someone and anyone to tell me things will be normal soon.
Why is Kouji acting like this? He hasn't had a daily dose? What the hell? Does he just want to be with his girlfriend now? He's tired of me, right?
"You cry and expect me to say I'm sorry? Are you always trying to make me feel bad for you?" He glowered, almost appalled.
Why's he acting so mean to me? Why me? I know I'm not the greatest person.. but..
"No," I muttered, rubbing my eyes.
"Then what is it?!" He yelled excessively loud, making me whimper with regret for ever confronting my brother.
His booming voice had phased me so I stumbled back and sat upon the couch unwillingly. My eyes grew wide and I couldn't help the tears falling anymore. He leaned into my face again and opened his mouth to speak.
"You need to leave me the fuck alone before I do something stupid," Kouji whispered.
This is so weird. Why does he sound so sad? His eyes.. they scream for help and seclusion. I don't understand. I feel like I shouldn't leave but.. I'm actually really scared.
I sobbed, bringing a hand to my mouth to muffled any whines. He backed up, frowning at himself and rubbed his face roughly. He seemed regretful and guilty, only increasing my want to be by him. I know I should leave but I don't know if I can. He just gave me a really bad feeling. I just needed to tread as lightly as I could with him and I wasn't sure why.
He cursed under his breath and he exhaled roughly.
"What's wrong?" I pleaded, "..tell me. Please."
"You don't want to know," he turned away and began to walk down the hall.
In this moment I let him go. I was petrified of him and of trying to push him to stay. I couldn't stop crying and I feel like it's only annoyed him all this time. He terrified me so much and I wasn't sure if I had really done something that bad to make him act like this towards me. I just wanted to help but I don't even know if I could at this point.
"Fuck," he hollered.
I heard a boom. I stood abruptly and raced over to the sound. He had punched the wall next to my mother's door. He threw his fist at the wall again but before he could land it I grabbed his arm. I didn't have time to think as I immediately brought him into a hug. He pushed me a bit and struggled to get out of the embrace but I held on as tight as I could muster.
Hate me if you want.. I feel like hugging you is a good thing..
"Kouichi.. let go."
"No."
My heart is breaking.. he didn't destroy the drywall, he shattered my heart.
"Let go," he demanded once more.
..because you want her to hug you instead?
"Then tell me what's going on," I said seriously, staring up at him with begging eyes, "..are you fighting with your girlfriend?"
"I guess," he kept his gaze anywhere but on me, "..except I don't have a fucking girlfriend."
"Wait, what? What's really going on, Kouji?" I frowned, completely taken back by his words.
No girlfriend? What were those names? But.. I'm glad he doesn't have a girlfriend..
"If I told you.." Kouji sighed, "..you'd fucking hate me."
Finally.. we're getting somewhere. He's cussing a lot more than usual.. but that's the least of my worries.. I need to know.. he needs to tell me..
"I promise I won't hate you," I stated, "..maybe you break your promises but I know how to keep them."
My word seem to pain him. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, I was just trying to make a point.
I mean.. it's not necessarily true.. the first promise we made, I broke.. but.. it's been such a long time.. and I keep all my promises now. I hope he's proud.
He gripped my shoulders tightly. So tight it hurt but I didn't flinch as he did this. I could feel his body shaking next to mine. I gripped his jacket, clutching desperately for answers.
"Kouichi, I mean it. You'd hate me."
"I'd never."
"You would."
"I swear it! I swear it on my mother's grave, now tell me!" I yelled through my tears, "..tell me."
"I think.." Kouji turned his head, darting his eyes behind him.
"What?"
I wouldn't let him move his body away from mine, I could feel his hesitation.
He barely whispered, "..I think it's.. withdrawal."
The truth really does hurt.
"W-" I couldn't speak, "..with..drawl?"
"I don't.. have a lot left.. so.." he began trailing off.
Stop.
"What..?"
"..I.. I have to.. get rid of the rest first.." His breathing hitched, "..I only have a little.. but I need.. it.."
"Kouji," I muttered, "..I'm confused."
"I kept this hidden.. so long.. I'm surprised I never slipped up while fucked up."
"Um," I hummed.
If I wasn't heartbroken before, I definitely was now.
"I only have.. I don't know.. and it doesn't help me anymore.. everything else does."
"Everything.. else?" I gulped.
"But I'm almost out.. I can't.. use the rest."
"Use?"
"I have to sell that shit."
I don't want to believe it. Is he saying what I think? Disbelief isn't a good enough word right now. I thought this was in the past.
Kouji covered his face with his hands, I heard him take in another sharp breath. He began speaking, his voice quivering.
"My body hurts..so bad.. I feel sick.. nauseous.. I can't sleep.. I can't eat," he paused, "..I can't stop being an asshole.. even to you."
"This is.. with drawl?"
"Yes! I can't make it stop without those stupid drugs!" He yelled, muffling a sob into his hands.
My eyes widened noticing he had been crying. I hugged him tighter. I've never seen him so hysterical; it scared me. Time began to slow down. Everything that ever made me anxious or depressed seemed to be trivial and disappear. Nothing else mattered in this moment.
"What drugs? I don't want you to feel this way anymore," I mumbled into his chest, "..I can call the doctor and-"
He grabbed my head, his fingers intertwining into my hair. He buried his face on the top of my head and breathed harshly.
"No. No doctor. They don't need to know.. and you definitely don't want to know what kind of shit."
"It's like the same stuff from the last time, isn't it?"
Kouji stayed quiet.
"But.. maybe.. y-you can.. one last time.. to stop this.. but maybe not.. don't do it, um, and we can figure out h-how to stop it or.. I m-mean I know.. you shouldn't be d-doing anything more but I didn't k-know you were this bad and-"
"Kouichi," he said sternly, cutting me off from my rant.
"Y-yes?"
"It's all the same shit.. and more. It's worse."
"Tell me everything.. w-whatever it is."
I'm so nervous I could throw up. We need a doctor.. we need mother.. we need Junpei.. someone help.
"Everything? You want to know everything?"
"Yes."
"Even if I only did it once?"
"Yes," I repeated, my stomach writhing from the nausea.
"There's just too much," he huffed, frowning.
He sounded so displeased.
"What? You can't say it?" I pulled back so our faces and eyes could meet.
"There's things I didn't even know I did."
"What?"
"I.. I was.. hanging out.. with the wrong people," he murmured, hiding his face in his hands.
"With who?"
"Snakes. They're all a bunch of dirty animals."
"They made you?"
"No," he sighed bitterly.
"What drugs, Kouji?" I spoke, not faltering my words but on the inside I was tearing into pieces.
"I.. I.."
"You can't n-name anything?"
"Coke, Ecstasy, Xanax," he ranted, "..some other shit; I don't even know what it was. I barely did any meth though. I-I promise! But I..I had it but I never did it.. no heroin, ever. I swear.. So.. there's that, um, that's all."
"W-what?!" My heart dropped.
"It's not that bad.. it could be worse. I mean.. it's a l-little.. bad. I guess.. whatever, damn it. It's just a little!"
He's talking so weird. I don't even know if I should believe him anymore. The cussing and stuttering.. what is happening to him?
"I'm sorry," he hid his eyes in his hands and I wasn't sure if it was from shame or bashfulness.
Is he proud or feeling regret?
"Okay.. okay, wait," I sobbed, ".. you don't know.. everything?"
"I.." he frowned, "..no."
"There's more?"
"Probably."
"Tell me everything. Please."
"Really?"
I nodded.
Kouji frowned, his sigh echoed.
"Well, the guys I hung with were.. on all kinds of stimulants.. a-and amphetamines. They always gave me laced shit.. and abnormal tasting shit and.. well, they were always.. tweekin'.. and iced."
"Ice?"
"Hopped up. On Crystal."
"What?" I stared at him as if her were speaking another language.
"Um, meth," Kouji seemed uncomfortable saying the word.
My stomach dropped. Those 'nicknames' from before were drug names? It's disturbing to think about.
Kouji always acted so nice towards me.. his demeanor lately.. how he spoke.. even how he looked.. it all made sense now. I wish it wasn't this. Honestly, I wish he just hated me and had a stupid girlfriend.
"You.. did it, too?"
"Damn, I don't fucking k-know how often; I can't remember. I do coke every day so I always feel high as hell, anyway."
Why didn't he use past tense? I wish he did.
"Maybe we can get you help. The doctor or something.. I don't know how but Junpei may know what to do-"
"Why would he? Don't lean on him or doctors or Takuya for this shit. They won't help. Just.. Don't tell anyone. Please. This shit is.. embarrassing," Kouji stared at the ceiling with tears in his eyes.
"We need to do something, Kouji," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," I spoke gently.
He still wouldn't meet my eyes.
"Now you know.. so I can t-tell you.. my body really hurts, bad," he sighed, wincing, "..can we sit down? I don't feel so good."
I nodded, guiding him to my bedroom. He laid stiffly onto my bed, holding his stomach. There was an apparent film of sweat on his face.
"How long.. does withdrawal last?" I asked, sitting worriedly next to him.
"Days."
Kouji is going to be like this for days?
"How do you know?" My voice cracked.
"Because it's happened before."
"You.. you never showed this to me."
"It wasn't this bad back then," he admitted, "..I never did all this shit back then. I didn't.. do all this at once and mix shit.."
I watched as he breathed deeply. The pain seem to have subsided for him for a moment.
"..I just didn't mix back then. I didn't."
"Why did you do this? Do you hate it here? Do-"
"We n-needed money.. and I guess I wasn't.. strong enough to ignore my damned cravings," he sighed, resting his arm over his eyes in regret, "..I didn't realize.. how strong those.. addictions were."
Addictions? He needs professional help.. what do I do? If I call a doctor, he will hate me. It's okay if he hates me, as long as he's alive, right?
"I want to help you," I sobbed very lightly.
I just can't live without him.
"I wished I never did this shit. I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me."
He can live without me, I'm sure.
Kouji opened up to me about a lot of things but I've never seen him so vulnerable. He told me about Snake and the other boys he met and how he only sold when I would be asleep. He told me about selling, though he wouldn't tell me his hiding spot. He admitted that he took that sick day because it was merely drug-related. He also told me that clinginess and intimacy came from ecstasy. He wasn't phased as he admitted this but I couldn't help blushing.
He remembers all that? He remembers what he said?
He spoke of doing multiple drugs at once and it twisted my gut into a knot. They were hard drugs; the kind of drugs my teachers and mother warned me to stay away from. Kouji fell into this trap and he needed help getting out. The way he's been acting with me wasn't just an act; the drugs forced him to be that way. He said as far as he knew he never did certain drugs but I blocked that part out. I could live fine knowing all he had was cigarettes and weed but I can't live knowing he indulged himself in dirtier things like this.
Thinking back, earlier this morning he wasn't this mean to me. I think I triggered this. The way I spoke to him recently was disgraceful. He probably thinks I'm the worst.
I suddenly cried harder, "..it's my fault, isn't it?"
"No, it's not, don't say that," Kouji sat up immediately and embraced me, "..I did this. I'm the idiot."
"I'm just being a crybaby about being here and because of me, y-you started selling," I hiccuped, my words echoed, "..right?"
"Kouichi, you didn't force me."
Why do I feel like I did?
With how much pain Kouji was in, he would definitely need a few days or more to recover. I wasn't sure how we were going to tell Junpei he was going to be gone for so long. I wouldn't want to leave Kouji, though. If we both asked time off work, Junpei would definitely question us. I guess we have no other choice but to let Junpei know. Luckily the store was closed all day tomorrow.
"I'm going to get you some water," I told him quietly.
He watched as I got up but I didn't pay much attention to his studying eyes. He grabbed my arm abruptly and I turned to him. His eyes darted down towards the empty spot on the bed next to him.
"Stay with me," he spoke pleadingly.
My chest hurt so bad; the empathy I felt towards him was extraordinary. He sounded like a needy, terrified child. I need to figure out how to help someone gong through this. I didn't have any knowledge of this, however. I could go to a library but surely the search history would get me questioned. The only person I knew that had a personal computer was Junpei.
"Okay," I sat back down on the bed, "..I-I'll stay."
Kouji pulled me next to him and hugged me tightly. He buried my face in his chest and held my head in his shaking hands. I could hear his irregular heartbeat and while it beat so slow mine was beating entirely too fast.
The mood swings.. he acted like he hated me.. then liked me.. what do I do?
I spent the last few hours just lying in bed by his side. I couldn't sleep and neither could he. I needed to hear him breathe, as if I just needed to be sure he was still alive. It was almost like he had a nonstop nightmare but subconsciously. He groaned, grit his teeth and wouldn't stop shifting his body. Kouji whined about the pain in his body and though I wanted to give him some pain medicine, I was afraid. After all, they were pills. I just didn't know what I was supposed to do anymore.
The way he sat up terrified me. He moaned, almost crying and holding his stomach. Kouji heaved violently and buckled over himself, throwing up a chartreuse colored liquid onto the floor. I sat up with him immediately and rested my hand on his back.
"Sorry," Kouji muttered gazing sadly at the bile on the floor.
"It's okay, I'll get a trash can or something," I said, attempting to stand out of bed.
Kouji grabbed my arm without looking in my direction, "..don't go."
"But.." I frowned, watching him heave again.
This time it seemed more violent, his throat sounded rough and tore up. I just felt helpless watching him but he wouldn't let me do anything right now.
"W-what can I do?" I asked frantically as he groaned.
He stumbled to the floor, knees buckling. Kouji sat on all fours, his hand barely missed the pile of bile. He looked like he was about to upchuck once more.
"Kouji, what can I d-do?" I asked again in a panic.
"I need.. more.."
"What?"
"Hand me my phone," he said, motioning towards his cellphone on the table behind me.
I quickly grabbed it and shoved it in my pocket. I frowned at him; his dependence made me sick.
"I don't think more drugs is a good idea.."
"It's just a little! Coke or something.. Look at me right now, what kind of shit brother are you to tell me no?" He spat.
"I can't.." I shook my head.
His words and mood swings really killed me. He's doing it again and I don't even know how to react. I can't take anything to heart but his words stung me worse than the cuts in the shower ever did.
"You don't understand.. how bad this is.. and you're keeping it from me," he growled, "..what the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Kouji, this is a cycle! Your suffering is temporary; please get through this!" I retorted, gulping.
I hope my words get through to him.
Hysteria began; Kouji laughed, cried, sobbed and all while holding his stomach as if he were being eaten alive.
"Where is everything?" I asked gently.
I know I need to tread lightly.. but I need to get rid of it all.. before..
"I.. I don't remember."
"You.. you really don't?" I stared at him in disbelief but he seemed honest.
He shook his head, tears began to fall. My eyes widened seeing his body shake.
"Damn it, my body is on fire! Is it?" Kouji sobbed, rubbing his arms, "..is it?!"
"No.. you're okay," I trembled as I bent down next to him, "..this will go away. It did before, right?"
My hands grasped his shoulders frantically. I wanted to be comforting but I felt panicked. I can't do this alone, I needed someone here. He bit his lip as he shuddered. Suddenly he paused all movement and breathing. It actually horrified me to see his expression mutate into simmering rage.
"I'll get it myself," he stated venomously.
"You don't even remember where-"
"This house isn't that fucking big," Kouji hissed.
He suddenly stood, practically shoving me on my rear. I watched as he stumbled to the closet and began to rummage through the boxes and clothes. Before he remembered, I tossed his phone quietly underneath the side table and prayed he didn't go looking underneath there.
"Fuck," he cursed, slamming his fist into the wall, "..fuck!"
He began to search through the dresser next. I shook nonstop seeing Kouji becoming a monster. He held his stomach, his face twisted in pain. He raged uncontrollably as if he became a walking form of destruction. This scared me all too much; now was the time to give Junpei a call. I couldn't handle this by myself. Behind the bed I held my phone in my shaking hands and pressed 'call'.
"Fuck this," Kouji suddenly turned to me, "..I need to get more. Just give me my damned phone."
I gulped, "..um.."
He remembered.
"Give it to me," he demanded, his eyes practically glowed a dangerous shade of red.
I heard Junpei's voice lowly on the phone but I didn't have any time to talk to him. Kouji was already strutting angrily towards me.
"Kouji, I really don't know if-"
"Dont be a bitch! It's just a little right now! I'll get better later! One more fucking day!" He yelled dangerously close to my face.
This is.. withdrawal.. from what? All those hard substances.. that's what he wanted.. I can't give it to him.. his actions are only going to get worse..
"One last time.. just a little.. just a pill or something, fuck!"
I wanted to cry but I held strong. I hid the phone behind my back but I couldn't reply to anything Junpei said. I was too afraid to even open my mouth to reply to my brother. Kouji dropped down to the floor again just inches away from the pile of liquid and he began to sob. He hid his face in his hands, his breathing turned into frustrated groaning and screaming. I kept hearing Junpei's voice and it actually scared me to think Kouji would hear it, too.
"This hurts!"
"K-Kouji.. c-calm down," I whispered, biting my lip as his eyes shifted towards mine.
Kouji suddenly growled, harsher and more vicious than I've ever heard. I thought I saw him rage before; but the sound of his voice left me only in terror. I wasn't sure but I felt like I was in danger. My breathing hitched noticing he had a wild look in his eye. I didn't have time to react in this moment. I didn't care if he saw me, I needed someone else here. It was this that made me realize my mind may be grotesquely messy but his is frightfully corrupt.
I held my phone my mouth and whispered, "..get here fast."
Kouji's wild eyes never left mine.
"Who is that? Snake?" He grabbed my shoulders and I almost slipped into the pile.
"Kouji, calm-"
"Who the fuck is it?"
Kouji wasn't crying anymore. He became rabid and feral. His mood swings were too intense right now and I didn't know what to say or how to act around him.
Am I making him this mad?
"Kouichi, answer me!"
"It's.. I.. um.."
"Fucking tell me," he gripped my shoulders so tight it hurt.
"Jun-"
"Hang that shit up!" He cut me off.
I flinched at his yelling. I wanted to hang up to save me from whatever I had to endure but my fear made it so hard to move. Plus, I couldn't get a word in without him screaming at me like I had murdered his own child in front of him. He made me feel at fault with how he spoke. Is this how he really feels, or am I thinking irrationally?
"Give me that shit," he attempted to grab the phone but his knee slipped into the pile.
I knew this was going to happen but I wished it wasn't to him. He's going to get more angry now, won't he?
"Do what you're told for once," he pushed me on the floor and straddled me.
The way he had me pinned actually horrified me enough to very slightly wet my underwear.
I can't believe.. I did that.. and damn it, I'm so scared.. this is how it's going to be.. for days.. at least. Is.. is Kouji really okay? Will I be? I didn't think someone that could make me feel the most safe could also make me feel this terrified.
He didn't even realize he smeared his bile all over the floor. Normally it would gross me out to know his tainted knee touched my shirt and my underwear had become semi damp but I was too scared in this second. I could only focus on his enraged hands holding me down by my shoulders. By reflex I held my hands over my face. The fear I felt was worse than anything. He never hit me before but then again he's so unpredictable right now I couldn't put it passed him. He grabbed my phone and cursed as he pinned my arm down with his other hand. My only free hand still covered my face in minor protection.
"Fuck off," He spat into the phone.
My tears began to fall harder as he spoke vulgarly. He paused for a second; I heard Junpei's voice practically yelling over the phone but I couldn't make out any words. I heard a second voice and it raised a flag.
Kouji laughed into the phone, "..don't do anything stupid? Really?"
He scoffed and hung up. Kouji's tone of voice suddenly didn't sound like him anymore.
I stared at him in disbelief as he darted his eyes towards me once more. He seemed like he wanted to act on something. Before he could speak or act nastily, he made a strained face. The pain in his stomach must have taken over once more. He laid on top of me, burying his forehead in my chest as he grasped at his waist.
"Fuck, this hurts," he whined through grit teeth.
"I'm s-sorry," I muttered through my tears, holding him in an embrace on top of me, "..I'm sorry."
I don't know what to say to him anymore. The withdrawal.. it's getting worse.. ups and downs.. how long will this last, really? He said days.. is it really days..
"Kouichi.. I need it.." he cried on top of me, "..come on!"
"You don't," I sobbed.
I hate telling you no..
"I do.. I need it. I need it to calm down! I was really about to hit you."
The realization finally struck me as Kouji wanted to do. In this moment, I should feel alarmed, but it actually soothed me knowing there was something inside of him that told him not to those rash things. It gave me hope.
"It's okay. Hit me. Just don't do that stuff anymore."
He mouthed a few apologies.
We embraced eachother tightly as if holding onto something that could save us both. The empathy I felt was strong; he doesn't even know it but I already forgave him.
"I hate myself right now," he muttered.
"This is temporary," I reminded him, but I was really reminding myself.
"I just want to get high so bad," he admitted with his jaw clenched.
"Take a hot shower instead."
"I'd rather get blown."
I flushed hearing those words but I knew he was talking about drugs.
"Y-you.." I frowned deeply, "..you're not helping yourself. Stop depending on-"
I stopped speaking as the front door slammed open. I heard foots steps stampeding down the hallway. Kouji sat up, still straddling me as the two brunette boys came racing into the room.
"Guys?" Junpei frowned, his eyes darted back and forth from my brother and I.
"What are you doing? Get off him!" Takuya demanded.
"Fuck off, Takuya!" Kouji retorted loudly.
"Kouji, come with me," Junpei spoke calmly, "..let's talk outside."
"Both of you, get out," Kouji scowled, "..we're okay here."
"Sure looks like it," Takuya huffed, speaking thoroughly sarcastic.
"You're not helping!" Junpei whispered to Takuya.
I shouldn't have called Junpei.. maybe Kouji would have really calmed down.. I messed up. It's my fault he's raging again.. it was my fault at the start, too.
"You know, Takuya, you've always been a piece of shit to me," Kouji declared as he stood.
He towered over me; he and Takuya glared immensely at one another.
"Kouji, stop," I pleaded timidly.
I scooted out from under his legs and away from the bile. My pants weren't soaked with urine by any means but I could feel the embarrassment with every movement.
"Same, buddy," Takuya glared, "..but you're a bigger piece of shit."
"Takuya, shut up!" Junpei ordered, "..you can't act like this right now-"
Kouji got up in Takuya's face, "..fuck you."
"Fuck you," Takuya replied with a sneer.
It happened so fast. Kouji swung; my heart broke as Takuya fell back. Junpei's eyes widened as he caught Takuya. Everything is escalating so quickly and it's all my fault. I got scared and called Junpei; now look. Takuya's hurt and Kouji is just more angry.
"Kouji! Calm the fuck down!" Junpei commanded at the highest volume his voice could go.
I stood as Kouji lunged towards Takuya. Junpei threw Takuya on the bed and grabbed Kouji. Luckily, Junpei was a much bigger guy so he could restrain Kouji successfully though it looked like he struggled.
Takuya glowered, wiping his lip of the blood, "..you asshole."
"Get the fuck out!" Kouji yelled.
Before Takuya could open his mouth, Junpei spoke, "..Takuya, sorry, but go. Do what he says."
Takuya frowned, "..but-"
"Takuya! Please, be sensitive, for fuck's sake!" Junpei exhaled his words.
Takuya stared at me for a second, as if contemplating.
"Kouichi.. come with me," Takuya said finally.
"Fuck that. Go fuck yourself!" Kouji spat.
"Kouji, stop," Junpei growled, "..Takuya, go sit outside for a second-"
Kouji cut him off, "..no, just go f-"
"Just stop!" I cried, "..just stop, Kouji."
My brother and I stared intensely at eachother. This entire confrontation could have been avoided if I wasn't such a coward all the time.
"Please," I begged through a whisper.
Slowly, tears fell from Kouji's eyes.
"I'm sorry," Kouji trembled, shamefully hiding his face in his hands.
He's so emotional right now.. what can I do?
Kouji heaved once more, upchucking more fluid onto the floor. Takuya frowned in realization that Kouji was completely sick; mentally and physically. Junpei sighed, his face looked like a depressed parent.
I stepped towards Kouji as Junpei still held onto him. I wanted to hug him and to tell him he's strong. I wanted to make everything alright again.
"You should go wait outside," Junpei whispered to Takuya.
Takuya nodded, reluctantly making his way down the hall, poking at his busted lip. Junpei sighed again, brow furrowed and practically dragging Kouji to the bathroom. Kouji struggled to stay, his quiet pleas to stay with me were weak as he heaved and gagged.
I sobbed watching Junpei haul him into the bathroom to vomit in peace. As the bathroom door closed, Takuya came quietly back into the room with a look of commiseration.
"Um.." Takuya shook a bit as he hugged me, "..Kouichi.. are you okay?"
"I.." I cried, uncaring if it made me look weak, "..I just want Kouji to be okay!"
"I know," Takuya sighed, "..I'm sorry I just egged him on. I just.."
"I'm sorry he hit you."
"..I probably deserved it," he smirked, "..we can get heated.. but he's.."
I pulled my head back to look into his eyes.
"..he's really sick?" He muttered sadly.
I couldn't speak, just gave him a confirming, solemn look.
"That phone call.. Junpei kept yelling in the phone but you wouldn't say anything.. the things I heard.." Takuya sounded serious, "..it really pissed me off."
"He's.. not himself."
"Is it.. a drug problem?"
I gazed sorrowfully at him.
"Junpei guessed in the car.. hearing Kouji over the phone. I guess it made sense to him.. it makes sense to me now but-"
"Is he that obvious?"
"Well, right now, it is.. his actions are.." Takuya kept his voice low, "..I really didn't know it was this bad."
"He's good at h-hiding it sometimes, I suppose."
I wish I was better at seeing these things..
"He's on shit right now?"
I shook my head, "..I don't think so. I don't know. He told me it's.. withdrawal. That's why he.. acts like this."
"What did he.."
Before I could speak again I heard the bathroom door open. I stepped away from Takuya and ran towards the door to see my brother with the most regretful, sickly and faulted look at his face. He stumbled towards me, patting me on the head. My stomach fluttered feeling his warm, shaking hand on my head.
"Can I talk to my brother alone?" He turned to Junpei.
Junpei nodded, "..of course. Takuya, come outside with me."
I was nervous at first Kouji would rage seeing Takuya back in the room but Junpei seemed more bothered by this. Takuya obliged but only after fighting to stay mentally. When they left the room I heard the front door open and close. My brother and I were alone just like he wanted.
Kouji sat on the bed, holding his hands out for my comfort. He buried his face in my stomach and wrapped his arms around my waist. I glanced down momentarily but I couldn't keep my eyes on him. This certain position made me turn pink.
"I'm so sorry," Kouji muttered into my shirt, "..I'm really sorry."
"It's okay-"
"No, it's not. I'm just a piece of shit-"
"No, you're not. You're caring, and kind.." I sat beside him, grabbing his hand, "..this is temporary."
"Why are you still here? You still care about me?"
"Of course! Nothing can make me hate you," I frowned.
He moved his face close to mine, "..you're not mad for what I did?"
"Of course not," I replied, forcing a smile.
His breath smelled of mint as he spoke, "..Kouichi, I really almost hit you."
"But you didn't," I beamed through my tears.
Kouji frowned slightly; I could tell he still felt ashamed.
"You smell like mint," I blurted.
"My teeth hurt.. so I brushed them.." Kouji murmured.
We looked at each other for a moment; a mutuality of understanding and reconciliation plagued us both. It's almost as if we both apologized nonstop through our eyes.
Suddenly he moved in closer and pressed his lips against mine. No matter how taken back I was, I just let it happen. It wasn't like I didn't want this and after all, Kouji was in a very sensitive state and I couldn't go against him in any way. I saw how it turned out for Takuya.
He grabbed my head and gripped my hair as if grasping onto any comfort and sanity. His other hand caressed my neck almost tenderly. I thought I would be afraid of him in this state but right now I actually enjoyed every part of it.
Does that make me weird? I like his touch.
I pulled back gently, attempting to speak, but my mouth is as only encapsulated in his again.
Kouji.. is this an after-effect.. or.. not? This.. this is what he's always done.. but now.. I don't know.
I pulled back once more. I had some questions for him but they all disintegrated with the passionate look he shot me.
He spoke before I could, "..stay with me."
I'm torn.. I want to stay.. but..
I was about to say I needed to go get him some water and maybe some rice. Anything gentle on his stomach might be okay for him. I wasn't even sure of the last time he had a meal or had something to drink. We were together all the time, how could I not realize? He did tell me he ate while I napped but maybe that was just his way to get me to stop nagging. I didn't know if his pale, lifeless skin was caused by the withdrawal or if his diet had done it.
It's both, isn't it?
"Okay, I'll stay," I said sadly.
Kouji didn't say anything, just stared at the floor.
"Maybe.. you could take a shower now," I suggested, "..it might help."
"No."
"I'll stay with you.. I'll be in the bathroom," I persuaded quietly.
"You.. you will?"
I swear his eyes pierced right through my soul. His seriousness dumbfounded me. His clinginess surprised me but why would I be shocked?
"Yeah.. come with me to the kitchen. Let's get water?" I smiled, my tears ceased falling.
In that moment Kouji and I seemed normal, no crying or screaming. He nodded as we stood up slowly walking out the bedroom door. He seemed sluggish but maybe some kind of distraction or exercise was good for him.
I quickly grabbed a glass of water for him he drank slowly, I could almost hear his throat scratching as he swallowed; as if those gears in his esophagus were grinding maliciously.
Kouji set the glass on the counter as I let him into the bathroom. There was a bit of vomit on the toilet seat but I distracted Kouji by turning on the shower and moving my face in front of his eyes. I didn't want to remind him anymore of any damage he had done.
"You'll stay?"
"Yes," I reassured him again, "..I'm here."
I'll always be here. You're the reason I'm still alive, I know that, now. I thought it was my mother.. after she left, I thought there was no point to stay living, either. But I'm still here.. because you're the most important person in my life. I know that, now. I hope you know that, too.
Kouji barely smiled, placing a long kiss on my forehead. His lips didn't seem to move from my hairline for a long time and it made my flush greatly. It was a sweet moment I wished could last forever. He got in the shower as I sat on the bathroom counter.
I sighed, "..I'll be right here."
"You want to come in with me?" He asked from behind the curtain.
I blushed ridiculously. I know he's just being clingy but I felt so embarrassed.
I'm so glad he can't see me right now.
"A-another time?" I replied sheepishly.
I heard Kouji chuckle extremely lightly and I let out a quiet breath of relief. I'm glad he didn't get angry with me. I didn't want to go against his wishes; I don't want him to become a monster again. At this point, I'd rather deal with his teasing than his rage.
His mood swings are so confusing..
I gulped, nervously opening the bathroom door. It only took me but a mere few seconds to change my underwear, grab my phone from the bedroom and dart back into the bathroom as silently as possible.
I sat on the bathroom counter, hiding my phone behind my back as Kouji's annoyed and suspicious face peeked out from behind the curtain.
"Kouichi?"
"Yes!" I confirmed my presence.
"I said are they gone?"
"Oh.. I think so. I think they're just outside or something."
Kouji didn't reply. I hid my phone behind the wall of the counter so I could message Junpei. I typed out a paragraph but I didn't know any other way of speaking to him in this moment.
'I can't talk too long right now. Kouji is in the shower. Maybe you guys can come inside and just sit on the couch quietly. He seems really beat so he probably would fall asleep soon. I can't leave his side though. Not until he's asleep. Thanks for coming and being here. Sorry. You guys can leave if you want, I don't blame you. Tell Takuya we're so sorry for what happened. And Junpei, I'm sorry-'
I stopped typing as Kouji spoke, "..Kouichi?"
"Yes?"
"Just.. making sure you're still here."
I smiled sadly, "..I'm here."
I kept typing, '-for bringing you into this mess. Sorry again.'
I pressed send.
"Kouichi.. can you grab me a towel? I forgot to get one."
"Yeah," I called.
Junpei replied almost immediately, 'Don't apologize. We're both worried about you guys. We're not leaving. Is he calm right now? He didn't hurt you?'
I sent him one last message before I finally grabbed the towel from the bathroom closet, 'we're okay. I'll come talk to you guys as soon as I can.'
The shower turned off and the water stopped. I shoved my phone down in my pocket and stepped towards the curtain to put the towel in his hands. Without notice he swung the curtain over and I ended up seeing every part of his body.
"K-Kouji!" I hid my face in my hands but I don't think it was enough to hide my illuminated cheeks.
He frowned, wrapping his lower half in the towel, "..sorry."
I peered through my hands to see his cool face; his dripping wet hair stuck to his skin like droplets on a web.
"It's okay," I sighed, completely lying to myself.
He smirked, suddenly pinning me against the wall by my shoulders. Something about him seemed wicked and different. Maybe mood swings weren't the best words for this anymore. Mood swings fluctuate; Kouji's emotions have been spontaneously explosive.
"W-what?" I stammered, my face bewildered.
He looked into my eyes and huffed, "..you're too nice."
"Let's g-go to the bedroom," I mumbled timidly, my face was blood red and I couldn't even hide it.
He lead the way into the room with little hesitation. I searched through the dresser to find him some clothes but he laid back on the bed in just a towel, his wet hair on the pillow.
I frowned, holding the clothes in my hands, "..you'll catch a cold."
"Too late," he grumbled, rubbing his eyes.
"At least cover up," I scolded, laying the clothes in the bed and tossing the blanket over him.
He frowned, holding his hand out. I took it as he pulled me on top of him, straddling him. He stared at me obviously saddened. My embarrassment drifted to self-consciousness.
"W-what?" I gulped.
"You know I'm sorry, right?"
"Yeah, and it's fine. I told you," I shot him a smile even though I could feel my face melting off with how hot the blushing had been.
He grabbed my neck, bringing my face close to his once more. I braced myself for another intimate impact but he suddenly stopped. He sighed, pushing my head down into his chest.
"I don't feel good," Kouji said.
"Try to sleep. We need to get your sleep pattern right again," I mumbled through his shirt.
"Yeah.. I'll sleep.." I heard his exhale, "..as long as you stay."
"I'm not leaving," I affirmed.
Kouji shot me a look, one that held dreariness but satisfaction.
I turned the light off and laid in bed next to my brother, face to face. We stayed silent, but it was a comfortable silence. His eyes held sorrow and all the while I tried to comfort him with my own eyes and smile.
I grabbed his hand, caressing his palm lightly and closed my eyes in hopes that he would follow my lead. I didn't have much hope he would fall asleep right away seeing as he had such a hard time sleeping to begin with but I was mistaken. I opened my eyes to see his eyes shut, face soft and heard light snores. His stomach seemed to make slight noises and I wondered if he was hungry or if it some something else.
He's a sad angel.. a soft demon.. misunderstood and misjudged.. perfectly flawed human being.. my own personal, loyal Judas.
I slowly rolled out of the bed. As I stood, he shifted and both the towel and blanket were shoved off. I really wish that didn't happen, my face was practically melting off from how bad my cheeks burned but I covered him back up with the blanket.
I sighed, using the towel to clean to bile of the fooor and toilet. Afterwards I threw it in the dirty hamper and trudged out to the living room where I found both brunettes. I wasn't surprised they were still here because of the time, I was just surprised they were still here in general.
I fumbled nervously with my sleeves and greeted in a whisper, "..hi."
Takuya spoke in a low voice, "..are you okay?"
I nodded yes, but spoke, "..no."
Junpei stood, whispering, "..can we go outside to talk so we don't wake him?"
I nodded once more, feeling my eyes burn from crying endlessly. No matter how bad my heart hurt, I couldn't let a single tear fall if my life depended on it. I ran out of tears completely.
Junpei lead me out the front door and Takuya closed it behind it. All of us sat on the steps, I had Junpei and Takuya and either side and I suddenly felt safe again.
"Did he hurt you?" Takuya asked.
I shook my head.
"Is Kouji okay?" Junpei questioned.
I shrugged, shaking my head again.
"Do you want to come sleep at my house tonight?" Takuya rested a hand on my shoulder.
"I can't leave. I promised Kouji," I told him, trying to hide my blush.
"Are you really okay with being here by yourself?" Takuya frowned.
"I have to be. He needs me," I mumbled.
"Kouichi, I'm going to do some research on my computer.. figure out ways we can help without calling a professional. If I know Kouji, then I know he would fight to stay home and away from a doctor," Junpei spoke, shooting me a grin.
I nodded, forcing a smile.
"You're not alone," Takuya reminded me.
"I know," I mumbled.
"I wish I could stay here but I can't.. Kouji would never let me.. but text me all the time, okay?" Takuya's cheeks turned pink, "..I'm worried."
I nodded again, glancing at his reddened lip. I suddenly felt extreme guilt.
"Text me, too. I'm sure Kouji would be okay with me coming by to see you guys every day," he chuckled, turning to an aggravated Takuya.
"So.. what was he on?" Takuya asked, choosing his words delicately.
"It would really help us.. so we can help him," Junpei stared at me, pleadingly.
I sighed, telling them all I know. I named off every drug I heard him say. I also told him he's been having memory problems, sleeping problems and much more. I informed them that the one thing I didn't understand was when he told me all the hard drugs he had taken, he had never been this angry with me. I wasn't sure, and neither was Junpei, but he said it's possible that withdrawal can be worse than being under the influence. With how bad it had been, it wasn't hard to believe Kouji had taken all kinds of addictive hard substances.
Junpei said he was going to go back to his house for a bit to look up some things on the internet but with my permission he wanted to stay the night. I didn't think it was a bad idea but Takuya chimed in saying he wanted to as well. That would be a bad idea. I know how competitive Kouji and Takuya could get and I didn't want to witness about brawl.
Luckily, Junpei told Takuya he couldn't stay and he had reminded him he had to go see his girlfriend tomorrow. Takuya groaned but realized Junpei was right. The older boy reassured Takuya, telling him he would be in good hands. I thanked Junpei, he didn't realize how much his help means to me.
I told Junpei I would keep the front door open for him when he got back. I watched the two boys leave and sighed. I set a blanket on the couch for Junpei and laid back down next to my brother. He was still asleep, only a look of pain was on his face. He turned, sweating profusely and it only scared me. It was like this most of the night and I could only watch in silent, sleepless horror.
I could have walked out to the living room at any time to see Junpei, to find comfort and to hide myself from the unbearable noises Kouji made in his sleep but I just couldn't leave my brother. I just laid awake next to him, finding solace in his breathing. That what I wanted to hear; his breathing.
I hate this.. it scares me.. just stay alive.