(Guardin-Willow Ave)
*For the reviewers*
you guys mean so much to me. This is why I write; to hear my readers got emotional from my writing. It just makes me so happy, because I get emotional too. Thank you so much for reading. I post both wattpad and here!
FOR THE PERSON THAT REVIEWED LAST: it's funny you say that because I'm re-writing this entire story with original characters. plus, I draw the characters. I'm posting it on WATTPAD soon! AngstyFoxx
Reformatted and rewrote all the chapters so far!
KOUJI'S POV
The following day I woke up to a vague, toasty smell coming from the kitchen. I tossed in bed, groaning at the major discomfort I felt in my entire body. I noticed Kouichi wasn't next to me and I frowned, just hoping I would see him in the other room. I did have some attachment issues, everyone saw it now but I just didn't want to admit it. I already felt so awful, physically and mentally, but when I didn't have my twin next to me somehow it worsened.
Shame, disappointment, embarrassment and humiliation; all the things I felt knowing my brother knew about what I had been doing the past month. I don't blame him if he wanted to leave forever but to my surprise he stayed. I couldn't even begin to explain all of the guilt and regret I felt when he smiled at me. I didn't deserve that expression. The worse part of this is I'm trying so hard to push through this, but sometimes I just want to quit living just so I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore.
Kouichi reminded me countless times that this is only temporary yet I can't help but feel I'm going to end up dead in a ditch one day, probably soon. I feel lifeless, almost like my chances have all expired, yet I still have an endless chance from my twin. Now that I know that Junpei and Takuya knew that I had been living a separate life for the past month, I literally just wanted to hide underneath these covers for the rest of my dreaded life.
I hate this so much.. I wish it would go away.. I picked up so many bad habits from Snake.. cussing and smoking.. drugs and drinking.. I couldn't possibly go back now.. I'm too far gone. Kouichi is just too nice to say it; I'm done for.
I think the one thing I would change in the past month is just making Kouichi cry. Raising my voice and hand to him, it just wasn't right and I know he just wants to help. Honestly, through all of this I'm surprised he really didn't leave. I expected it, to be secluded in my own dreary prison. He just wants to help me get better and I just wanted to help him with his wants and needs.
When he tells me he blames himself.. it makes me so angry.. he's just an angel.. he's perfect.. doesn't he know that?
I can't believe he thought I had a girlfriend. Does he think that love makes a person ignore everyone and everything? What does he think love can do to a person? I can see it now, the envy Kouichi held. He showed his jealousy to me and so obviously. Maybe he didn't think it was so flamboyant but he made it crystal clear to me. I wonder where that jealousy came from?
Hmm.
Suddenly my stomach writhed in pain, I held my waist and groaned. I can't describe the pain perfectly but it was almost as if there were a hundred rats clawing there way through my stomach. Maybe the pain was worse or even different but I couldn't say.
I stood up, noticing I was still naked. I threw on some sweatpants and a shirt, holding my waist as the pain slowly subsided. I peeked out and down the hall, but just as I stepped out of the bedroom the pain came back tenfold and made me buckle over. My knees hit the floor with a loud thump and I groaned in displeasure. I heard two pairs of footsteps come down the hall. Kouichi bent down near me holding a cup of water. I turned upwards to see Junpei staring worriedly at me. I hated being like this in front of anyone.
I don't know why Junpei was there but I wondered why Takuya wasn't, did I hit him that hard? Maybe out of respect, but that's just wishful thinking. He definitely hates me, our fighting has only increased lately. I wonder how much he hates me now. I should expect it, I'm too aggressive with everyone. I didn't mean it, Takuya should know that, I just got really angry and I can't control myself. Deep, deep down I know we're still friends but I can't help but feel like I messed it up for good somehow.
I stood up, taking deep breaths as if in hope to subside the pain. Kouichi's hands rested on my back and I felt a sensation from it. They both seemed a lot calmer and I wonder what had made them this way or if I was just seeing things.
They asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom or not and I shoved it off. Junpei helped me stumble to the couch and Kouichi brought me some water and some rice. I didn't feel thirsty or hungry at first but as soon as my lips hit the water I began to chug. It probably wasn't a good idea; it just made me nauseous. I ignored it, but ate two bites of food and vomited. I felt so guilty watching Kouichi clean my mess.
"He's going to do this," Junpei told Kouichi.
He tried speaking quietly to my twin though I could hear and understand everything he said. My brother seemed to fix his posture, his facial features changed from troubled to calm. Just seeing this made me feel reassured that Junpei could put my brother's hectic mind at rest. I sort of felt jealous, I wanted to be the one to do that, but instead I'm the cause.
Takuya texted a lot asking if we were okay, at least that's what Junpei told me. He reminded me he still cared and it only made me feel worse. Takuya and I may get into verbal fights but it's crazy to say we just fight like brothers; he's an annoying toddler always in my room and in my belongings. We still care, I know we both do, I guess I'm just surprised we both do, though.
I don't have any doubts Takuya texts Kouichi all the time and it only makes me angry to think about. Takuya just gets worried I'll do something stupid, I know this. I would never want to. My brother is an angel, how could I?
"I'm going to run to the store," Junpei informed, "..want anything?"
"Oh! Kouji likes melonpan!" Kouichi beamed.
Melonpan? I haven't have that in so long, probably years. I'm surprised he remembers but I'm flattered. We were a lot younger, after all. I glanced at my twin, only for a moment, but I didn't know what I was feeling. There was uncontrollable fluttering in my stomach.
"I'll be back," Junpei spoke as he left.
Kouichi turned to me and kept his smile. He scooted a bit closer to be on the couch, the warmth radiating from his body made me uncomfortable yet delighted.
"You should try eating again," Kouichi said softly.
"Just don't leave," I responded even quieter, glancing at him and the rice.
I hate acting so obviously needy but.. I just need him.
Kouichi cooed, "..I'm not leaving."
I nodded lightly, taking another bite. My stomach pained a bit and I decided it was best to set the bowl of food to the side for now. I didn't want to vomit on the floor and have my twin clean it again. Besides, he's my brother, not my maid.
I wonder how many messages I have from people that want shit..
"Um.. I want to shower.. do you want to.. come with me?" Kouichi muttered, cheeks pink.
Wait. Did he really just ask me that? What does he mean?
I couldn't help turning pink as well though I made sure my color wasn't too noticeable. I had asked him before to shower with me but I was just being clingy when I requested it. Is he being clingy or not? Something seemed different.
"I-I mean, you can just sit in the bathroom if y-you want, I know you want m-me around, um," He grew extremely red, "..s-sorry if-"
"I'll go," I grinned, almost excited but somewhat reticent, "..let's go."
The air was thick with tension as we made our way to the bathroom. There was a slight chill in the air as I threw my shirt off. Was showering together really making me feel better right now? My body says yes, my heart says yes, but my mind is screaming for reasoning. Kouichi seemed to understand something I didn't and it bothered me.
We undressed, both bashful in ways we couldn't comprehend. We didn't look at one another's naked forms maybe for respectful reasons but I think it was out of shyness. Kouichi and I both climbed into the shower, he let me hit the water first and I grinned at him seeing his was holding a loofa.
What is this? This giant step of closeness for our relationship..
"Feel okay?" Kouichi smiled with rosy cheeks.
"Yeah, you?" I replied, studying his eyes as they wandered down towards my chest.
He nodded, hesitantly holding out the loofa towards me. I didn't take it, instead took his arm. His looked at me, his expression was self conscious and I was unsure if it was from his body, his wrist or something else. Not like his scars bothered me too much, he was still just as attractive. Maybe he was concerned about being alone with me, I mean, I didn't act like my regular self around him lately.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my hand traveled to his cheek for something to caress.
"I told you, it's okay-"
My lips pressed on his lips for a long minute. I've been giving into my feelings lately and it always felt so right. Kouichi never gave me a reason to stop and I had a gut feeling I was right anyway. This minute was much more than just romantic and intimate; it was a mutual understanding that he had somehow saved me. It was my way of showing gratitude and honestly just giving myself comfort.
Kouichi blushed as I pulled away.
"It makes me feel better," I smiled.
Kouichi only responded with his own childish, timid grin. I think he felt better, too.
Thank you.
•••
Every day became a little easier for me, but daily I had to fight with my own body to stop any pain, sweating and mood swings. I didn't know what to do, but Kouichi and Junpei seemed to. They made me shower and take walks. They even forced an actual diet and sleep pattern. Without them I would be lost probably still indulging in the same messed up habit; or dead.
Within the first week I had still stayed aggressive and I couldn't help it. My mind just faded to black and all I saw was red. I felt angry though I wasn't sure of the reason anymore. It was as if I had taken a bunch of steroids and was never weened properly off of them. I know I was cursing at them, telling them to go die, my body hurts, I hate them and I just need a little of something they didn't need to hear. I hated saying all those drastic things to them and I hope they didn't take anything too seriously.
There was one day it was a little worse and I'm not proud of it. I could remember everything and I wished I didn't. The pain was substantially worse which made my anger increase to the highest. I remember screaming at my brother only the most awful things imagined; and things I cant repeat. Things I would never even think to say to him and things that could possibly make him take back those promises he had made me.
All three of us were standing in the bedroom. I complained about my body starting to feel weak and on fire again. There some kind of trembling happening and I couldn't control it. Kouichi tried to lay me down as if it would help but it didn't. Everything hurt, even his touch and his voice. I felt just as awful as I did that day and I regret everything that I did. I do even more right now.
"I hate this! I want to give up!" I exclaimed, "..you don't fuckin' get it."
"We're here to help," Junpei reminded.
Kouichi embraced me, "..if I can't leave, you can't either."
"You sound like a stupid spoiled brat," I retorted, completely feeling remorse for my word choice, "..you just don't get it."
Junpei frowned watching Kouichi back up a step. It seemed like Junpei wanted to say something to me but he held his tongue. He had hidden anger written all over his face and I didn't blame him. I was completely floored with myself, too. Talking to anyone like that, especially Kouichi, was absolutely despicable.
"Sorry," my twin muttered.
Stop saying sorry.. I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the asshole.
"I hate it all," I shook my head, "..I feel like my skin is melting off."
"Do you want to go to a hospital?" Junpei asked quietly with immense caution.
"An end up like our Mom? No, thanks," I spoke but I wish I didn't.
Kouichi's face fell, I could see sorrow and unspilt tears in his eyes.
Junpei sighed, "..you won't."
"We're both weak, so I will," I glared at the older, taller boy.
"Don't talk about mom or you like that, please," Kouichi begged but with a serious tone.
I growled, "..Fuck off with your please."
"Kouji, stop," Junpei scolded, he sounded like he had enough but it didn't phase me.
I huffed at his disapproving face.
Junpei turned to Kouichi, "..don't take anything he says to heart. Okay?"
Kouichi didn't speak, just stared sullenly at the floor.
"Okay?" Junpei pressed.
Kouichi didn't move or speak to Junpei, only his eyes darted to glare at me. It was an expression I've never known and one that was never shot in my direction. I always mess up, I know. I think this time I messed up worse than I realized.
"Maybe I should have stayed at Takuya's," Kouichi spoke, his eyes never leaving mine.
I stood, glowering at my brother, "..then leave."
Junpei frowned, glancing back and forth at us twins.
It was at this point that I wanted to lunge at him but couldn't. My mind wouldn't let my body act on it, but sadly my mind couldn't control my word vomit. Fortunately, Junpei was there so I couldn't lay hands on anyone even if I wanted to. He's a rather large man, so it was hard for me to ever do anything. I regretted my words but felt thankful Junpei had been there so I didn't have to regret any of my actions, too. Just seeing my brother's face, I knew I wasn't the one to comfort him in this situation. Apparently Junpei and Takuya could and it only enraged me.
"Hey, guys?" Junpei mumbled, stepping between my twin and I.
Kouichi didn't nod, only turned to leave as quickly as he was asked. It was as if he wanted to leave all this time and it only made me feel worse. I just wanted him to come back tell me everything's okay. I need him to just shake me and wake me up from this envious and evil nightmare. He's probably going to go message Takuya now and I hated the thought of it. He could message me, even though I'm here in the same house, I just want to be the only one he needs.
The moment Kouichi stepped out of the room I spoke, "..good riddance."
"Kouji, I mean this as nicely as possible; shut the fuck up," Junpei stared at me gravely.
"Maybe you should leave, too," I scowled.
"You already hold so much guilt, do you really want to be left alone right now?"
"I hate you."
"I know you don't mean it."
I wanted to reply but I couldn't find any words. I know the things I said lately have been only from emotional instability but I couldn't help saying them anyway. Kouichi was always so emotional, too, but Junpei wasn't. That's why he can take my harsh words; my brother can't.
I'm such an asshole. I shouldn't have said those things. I need to tell him I didn't mean it. I need to tell him..
"Wait.." I frowned, eyeing Junpei, "..I'm sorry.. tell him, tell him to come back!"
"No, you need to simmer down before I can put him in the same room with you again," Junpei held my shoulders stiffly, "..it's going to be okay."
"But I didn't mean it."
"I know, but your words hit him a lot harder than you might think. He'll be okay, but give a second to breathe."
Suddenly we heard the click of the front door. A million thoughts ran through my mind as I heard it. There was silence for a split second before I began to walk towards our bedroom exit. Junpei grabbed both my shoulders to stop me from running after him.
"Let go, damn it," I cursed.
"He's probably cooling down outside, don't worry," Junpei attempted a soothing response.
"I didn't mean it, damn it," I began to tear up, "..tell him!"
"He knows," Junpei replied, "..don't doubt him."
My body began to tremble, the pain I felt from my head and stomach didn't compare with the pain of having my twin far from me physically and mentally.
"He's really going to go off with that asshole?" I spat, not understanding a word that Junpei spoke to me.
"What? That's what you're thinking about?" Junpei frowned.
"If I just took some shit I would calm down! And I wouldn't talk to him like that!"
Junpei shook his head, gripping my shoulders tighter, "..that's what got you into this mess in the first place. Just relax. It's going to pass."
I grew limp in his hands, I felt like a disheartened and sad puddle of guilt. I wanted to go after him, I wanted to take a pill, I wanted to cry; all the things I knew wouldn't help this situation. Junpei pulled me into a warm bear hug and I heard him exhale gently.
I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut if I really wanted Kouichi back at my side. I just wanted to tell him how sorry I am. I'm so stupid. I have no reason to be here if I don't have him. Nobody in this world has this close of a relationship with anyone and I'm wrecking the only one I'll get. Maybe it's the only one he'll get, too. Well, I don't think anyone else is this close to him. I don't know, anymore. Junpei said not to doubt him but my messed up mind is almost forcing these suspicious thoughts.
I sat down on the bed, staring down at the floor at nothing in particular. I felt completely defeated. I know I said I wanted any kind of drug again, anything that would calm me and pull me out of this state I found myself in, and I knew exactly where to find it. Sometimes I would forget but in this moment I didn't. I didn't let myself take anything but it was a battle in my mind that only tore me to shreds. Kouichi and Junpei never asked about my hiding spot again and I wondered why. Was this some lame tactic to trust, help me get better and get my mind off of it or what?
Junpei sat on the bed next to me, "..listen to what I'm about to say, Kouji.."
I glanced at him but darted my eyes back to the floor. I just wanted to get Kouichi back but screaming and pleading isn't the way I could do that. I have to do anything Junpei says, even act relaxed. At this point it didn't matter what I wanted. He had my attention even if I didn't want to give it to him.
"..life really sucks. I'm not comparing my troubles with yours but everyone goes through a bunch of shit in their life.. chasing Izumi for so long and finally getting the girl of my dreams was probably the most amazing feeling imaginable, but when I found out she.. cheated.. of course I was heart broken. I'm still not over it. But every day it gets better. Today is better than yesterday, believe that. I didn't tell you this, but my dad lost his job.. he had an accident and is now on disability. Those disability checks and my mom- they can only support a family so much, so I had to get a job. I hide it, I know, and I only told you guys I got a job because I wanted to get a car. Well, now you know, I lied.."
We stared at each other, my eyes softened.
"..my point is.. life throws shit at you, but I think it helps to find something or someone to help make it better. Like, there's a purpose and a reason for you to smile because of it. We do the good things we do for a reason, right? We wake up every day with a purpose, a passion and a motivation. For me, it's my family. I think for you, it's Kouichi.."
I gulped, not able to speak just yet. His speech forced light into my darkness and I became somewhat purified and enthralled. I didn't know what I was expecting but the words he spoke made me want Kouichi more and more.
"..let Kouichi be your motivation to get through this, Kouji. You feel better with him here, don't you? There's a reason; you love him."
"Don't say that," I frowned, attempting to hide the color on my cheeks.
Junpei chuckled, "..okay."
"Do you.. think.. Kouichi would come back now?" I sighed.
"It's up to him," Junpei shrugged, "..I'll go get him."
I watched from the corner of my eye as he got up to leave. I waited rather impatiently on the bed for his return. I heard the front door open, a long few minutes of silence dragged on and seemed to be never ending. I stood abruptly, seeing Junpei wander back in the room with a disturbed face.
"What?" I asked a little too loud.
"Uh.." Junpei hesitated to speak, "..I can't.. um, find him."
Is he with Takuya?
"What? He's gone?" I frowned, feeling somewhat panicked.
"I'm sure he's fine. Let's go look for him," Junpei requested, "..just don't bully him, anymore."
Me? Bully? I'm disgusting.
I nodded to him as if I understood but I couldn't wrap my head around his word choice. We searched the entirety of the house and even the yard surrounding it. At one point Junpei even tried to call Kouichi's phone a few times but it only went to voicemail.
When we didn't find anything or hear from him we both knew it was time to hop in the car and hunt more. Before we did that, we had an idea in unison that made us both uncomfortable.
"Do you think he's with Takuya?" My jaw clenched.
"I don't know," Junpei sighed, "..maybe we should call-"
"No," I responded quickly.
I don't understand why I'm like this. Takuya's a friend, but why do I feel like he's an enemy? My emotions are so mixed.
"Kouji," he scolded, "..think about your brother."
I paused for a minute.
"Fine. Just call Takuya," I rolled my eyes.
Junpei sighed, "..but he'll definitely want to come with us to look for him if he's not there with him."
"Fuck that."
"But we need to find out if he's safe."
This overbearing ultimatum infuriated me.
I exhaled roughly, almost feeling antagonized, "..call him. Just be cool. Don't ask about Kouichi."
Junpei nodded, completely understanding his mission. I studied his face as he called. It rang a few times too many, Junpei shrugged. We were about to give up before Takuya finally answered. The conversation Junpei had with him was short. He said he only wanted to call to see how he was doing; after all, he did have a busted lip.
I inwardly laughed, I know I shouldn't find humor in hitting a friend but for some reason it was hysterical because it was Takuya.
Apparently Takuya was at a dinner date with his lady. Junpei seemed convinced hearing Rin sing 'hello' on the speaker. Maybe Kouichi really wasn't with him. It gave Junpei the chance to hang up just as quickly as he called. Half of me was relieved Kouichi wasn't with Takuya, but the other half was completely worried and a wreck.
Kouichi left? I shouldn't be surprised, it's my fault. I'm an asshole.
Junpei began driving, keeping his eyes on the road.
"Where are you going?" I asked, mostly grumbling.
"I don't know," Junpei bit his lip, "..I feel guilty sitting around. You don't know where he'd go?"
"Maybe.." I thought for a moment, "..maybe the park."
Obviously. He likes the tunnel. But would he really go there? It's our spot. He hates me right now. Why would he go to a place tainted by me?
"Okay, I'll head there. But Kouji.."
I stared at him as he spoke.
"..don't be an asshole, anymore. I know you can't help it but.. remember.. he's.. your brother. He's delicate."
I almost wanted to laugh, mostly out of self-loathing.
"I told Kouichi that you would be this way. I warned him. I read it all online," Junpei shook his head, "..I don't think my warning got through to him. He's too soft, especially around you."
Regret wasn't a strong enough word.
The majority of the time I had withdrawal I never kept my phone on me. It stayed with Kouichi or Junpei for a reason. I didn't want to slip up and message Snake again. I even put my hiding spot out of my mind, well, most of the time. Currently, I wish I had something to calm me down. Anxiety from not knowing where my brother went was killing me. I wanted to message him but honestly I didn't know where my phone went. Last I knew, Kouichi had it.
Minutes felt like hours as we made our way to the park. As soon as the car stopped I jumped out and began to run towards the tunnel. I think I heard Junpei yell something behind me but I couldn't hear and I didn't care. I just wanted to see my twin again.
The tunnel wasn't extremely long, but it was long enough. The majority of it was lit golden with the sunset. I could see down the tunnel but I couldn't see any form or figure. My pace began to slow as I approached the end. I scanned the playground with my eyes and once again I didn't see a single person. I heard Junpei's footsteps follow quickly behind me.
"Is he.. here?" He sounded out of breath.
I shook my head, gritting my teeth. I didn't expect Kouichi to be here, just hoped.
"What the hell? Where would he be?" Junpei spoke what I felt.
"This is my fault. I spoke like an asshole. What the hell is wrong with me?" I could feel my rage burning.
"Kouji, relax. Where ever he is, let's just hope he's safe," Junpei rested a hand on my shoulder.
"I am."
A slight static shock went through my body and passed onto Junpei as we heard that familiar voice. We both looked up to see Kouichi sitting in a fetal position on the top of the tunnel entrance. I had scanned this entire area but I didn't think to look up.
I feel so stupid right now, I can't even speak.
"Oh, shit, Kouichi!" Junpei smiled, "..baby boy, come give Papa a hug! You scared us half to death!"
Junpei chuckled with his arms wide open. Kouichi flushed, attempting to his face behind his knees. My eyebrow twitched, somewhat irked hearing Junpei's words and watching Kouichi's reaction. I knew Junpei only loved him like a brother or son, but I just wanted to be Kouichi's one and only.
A mere few seconds passed and Kouichi slowly made his way down towards us. I could see his red, swollen eyes now.
"Kou..ichi.." I muttered, "..I.."
"I didn't mean to worry you," Kouichi spoke softly, aiming it completely towards Junpei.
I didn't like that he ignored me. It just made me angry, but I didn't let it show. My anger got me into this situation, after all. I embraced Kouichi quickly, before Junpei could bring him into a bear hug.
I gripped him tightly, my voice slightly shouting, "..I'm sorry."
To my surprise, Kouichi buried his face in my shoulder and actually returned the hug. I felt his hand tremble on my back and it only made me feel more guilty.
"I'm sorry," I repeated, "..I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," he spoke over me, "..I know.. I'm too sensitive."
"You're perfect. Stay like that. I'm the one who has to change. It's all me," I pulled back to look him in the eye.
He looked like he wanted to reply but couldn't and I wanted to kiss him but couldn't. I felt Junpei's eyes glued on us. He smirked at us, his eyes seem to say it all. I think he finally saw the intimacy and tension Kouichi and I held and hid from the world. Suddenly Kouichi and I both grew red, realizing how our forbidden affection showed greatly and obviously to our friend.
Junpei held back a chuckle, "..I should leave."
Kouichi let go of me, his face pink and his eyes hidden. I turned to Junpei wanting to tell him to get lost but Kouichi spoke.
"N-no, it's okay," he mumbled.
I can't do this anymore.
"Junpei, turn that way," I pointed the other direction, demanding a few seconds of privacy.
Kouichi seemed confused. As soon as Junpei turned around I placed a quick kiss on Kouichi's lips. It was a small personal action that told him my guilt and fondness. My extreme bravery showed in this moment.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Kouichi frowned, motioning towards Junpei as if my tender actions were illegal around anyone.
"He knows," I mouthed.
Kouichi only stared at me. I didn't expect the twinkle in his eye and his slight smile.
What is that? Is he smiling because Junpei knows? What does he think Junpei knows? That I kiss him? Wait..
"Are you guys done?" Junpei laughed awkwardly, "..let's go. I'm hungry."
My twin and I shrugged. Kouichi's blush painted permanently on his cheek as we walked through the tunnel. We followed behind Junpei, glancing back and forth at each other. At one point, my hand bumped into his. I grabbed his hand, watching his face for a reaction. He only smiled from the corner of his mouth.
What's going on?
•••
Weeks passed and things started to get better. I was sleeping on schedule, my diet was on track and my longing for mind-numbing substances had long been gone and rarely showed. Junpei wasn't around too much after the first week. I never fought with him or my brother like I did that day. As soon as he saw me getting better I assumed he left to work. There wasn't anyone working in the store so I assumed he closed down for the time being and it only made me feel guilty.
Takuya came by once to see my brother and I. He didn't bring Rin and I was glad. Not like any decent human being would but Takuya seemed like quite the airhead to me. Maybe he wasn't, obviously, he had common knowledge enough to know that he should show up alone. At least he waited for me to calm down to see me again in person. After all, I did punch him.
Three weeks later and the withdrawal finally seemed to cease completely. Only guilt plagued my mind.
Today was the day I had to see Snake, finally returning everything that made me act this way to begin with. Kouichi made Junpei go with me for safety reasons and to make sure I give every substance I had left back to Snake. I know it wasn't the best idea to ignore Snake's phone calls and messages. The only time I messaged him had been today. I said 'meet me at my house' and he barely replied with a 'k'.
Awkward enough, Kouichi walked out to the front porch to hide from hearing my rummaging to get the supply. He was showing trust as I gathered every single bit I had. It wasn't much, but it seemed like a lot because the paper bags were mostly filled with containers and a scale. One bag was full of money, of course I kept my half. I think I earned it.
The hand off was awkward. Junpei stayed in his car when I handed Snake everything through his window. He seemed displeased hearing I was quitting again but not completely disappointed. It's like he knew. He didn't even ask why Junpei was there with me.
Snake lit a cigarette, chuckling to himself and hissed at me, 'you'll come back'. I wanted to laugh; it was the last thing I wanted.
Snake drove off and I hopped in Junpei's car, sighing of relief and frustration. The car didn't go anywhere and it made me anxious.
"I waited a long time to ask this," Junpei held his breath as he turned to me, "..why? Why did you do this?"
"Why?" I repeated, almost not wanting to admit, "..I'm just an idiot."
"Okay, no. What's the real reason?"
"Junpei," I began, sighing a few times, "..it's.."
"Just tell me, Kouji."
"..it's.. just money. Kouichi's.. unhappy.. living in that house.."
I paused, half expected Junpei to say something but he let me continue.
"..I thought I was helping. I guess.. sad truth is.. I think I was only helping myself."
Minutes passed before Junpei seemed to let a smile show, "..think of this as a life lesson. Dont beat yourself up."
I huffed.
"You know, there are other ways to make money. You could get two jobs or-"
"No one would hire me, are you serious?" I cut him off.
"Well, here's an idea. Why not get a roommate? If you want to move out it would make rent cheaper. I know Takuya wants to get out of his house," he joked but something about it seems sincere.
"Be serious," I sighed.
"I am."
"Whatever, don't worry about it. I'll figure it out."
"The money you made.. is it enough to actually get into a new place?" Junpei questioned.
I replied with a shameful nod, "..but we'd only last around three months."
"I'll check financing at work," he said, smiling, "..I might be able to give you guys a raise."
I just stared at him, not for what he had said but confused by his malevolent expression. I was grateful, but in the back of my mind I questioned it.
Is he hiding something?
•••
I know I've been having memory issues but even with that, of course I still remember embarrassingly saying 'I love you' to Kouichi. I wonder if he still thinks about it, too. Maybe it's not a big deal for him, as if I was just talking drunkly or maybe he thought I meant it as 'I love you, brother'. But I kissed him, but I always do. Does he still think about it like I do? Whatever the case was, it only angered me. I wish I never said it but I'm glad I did. I wished even harder that he knew I actually meant it. I wished he remembered that confession, took it to heart and responded positively. I wished he actually spoke of it because I'm growing impatient of waiting. I wished a lot.
My hearts worn on my sleeve for him. It's not like I'll move on, but it's making me aggressive.
A certain day, Kouichi and I took a walk down to the tunnel. He still thought fresh air was good for me and even though it's been over three weeks I can tell he still tried so hard to help me feel better. I was glad, but I honestly felt fine and just ashamed of my actions this past month.
It was about six at night. We sat closely to each other by the lake at the park. Both the tunnel and the playground rested behind us. The sun set gracefully on the water, projecting a golden color on Kouichi's face that barely matched the warmth I felt from him.
We didn't speak to each other. We understood one another, the tender and kind thoughts protruded back and forth. The silent compassion was enough for the both of us. I felt Kouichi's fingers crawl on top of my hand, he rested his palm gently on mine. I smiled, seeing his glowing and pleasant facial features curve into charm.
He doesn't realize how content I am right now and it's all because of him. He is my heart. He makes home feel like a home in my head. When I'm with him I feel hope again.