(I Need You - sadeyes)
KOUICHI'S POV
'Hey! I have big news!'
It was in the middle of my work shift that I saw this message from Takuya. Kouji wore an obviously bored expression staring at the ingredients list of a package of bread. We didn't have much to do today. The store was completely silent and empty of customers.
'What news?' I replied in a message.
It interested me, probably more than it should. Takuya didn't have news all of the time so it must be something. I guess I have to wait for his response now.
Aside from the random message I had received, life has been pretty decent. Well, kind of. There's always something in the back of my mind. It's been a little awhile but I think about the same three things every day; Junpei knows what exactly? Kouji being so intimate with me didn't phase me anymore, but is it weird? Why do I like it?
I'm just glad everything's okay again.
'Can I see you guys tonight? It's a surprise!'
Maybe I was still anti-social, but I became very selective. Kouji, on the other hand, hasn't changed much. Takuya's mystery news is intriguing but Kouji would never be interested. I hate being the bearer of bad news.
I glanced at Kouji, he stood in the middle of the store. I walked up to him, holding my phone out to his face. Kouji seemed confused at first but when he finally read the messages, he frowned.
"Why can't he just say it?" he grumbled.
"I don't know," I shrugged, "..but we should see what he wants."
Kouji smirked, "..maybe he's moving."
I didn't laugh, "..we should see what he has to say, though."
"..I guess."
He didn't look amused, but honestly, I wasn't either at his joke.
"I feel sort of weird," I admitted.
"Why?" Kouji frowned.
I shrugged again. I didn't know this feeling, but it didn't feel good.
'See ya tonight!' I messaged back. I glanced at Kouji, I think he could tell my uncertainty by the look on my face.
"What?" He asked, obviously upset.
"What?" I questioned his tone.
He didn't reply. I didn't understand the way he spoke to me. Kouji sighed and I felt tense.
"Why do you sound.. mad at me?" I muttered.
"I'm not mad at you," Kouji rolled his eyes, "..just.. wondering.. why you're.. feeling weird."
"I don't know."
"You were fine earlier."
I couldn't reply.
"Is it him?" Kouji mumbled.
"What?"
"Is Takuya making you nervous?" he slightly hissed, envy hinting in his voice.
"I mean-"
"I'm sure you don't need to be."
"Kouji-" I flinched hearing his bitter tone.
"I'm sure your boyfriend won't keep secrets from you much longer."
What the hell? What's wrong with him? He was fine until now. Is it the withdrawal? No way. He's way over that. What is it then? Does he think I'm the jealous one? Of what? But honestly, that's not fair. Just listen to this. He sounds like it.. way more than I do..
I frowned, flustered, "..he's not my boyfriend."
I meant to say.. I'm not.. into guys..
Kouji scanned the snacks, obviously agitated. I glanced at my feet, then back at him. I hesitated at first but decided to embrace him. He seemed thrown off by my sudden hug but brought his hands up to return the embrace.
"I don't know why you're acting like this but.. you don't have to," I pleaded with my eyes for competent understanding.
"I.." Kouji spoke guiltily, "..I didn't mean to.. sound this harsh."
"It's okay. I promise. So don't be sad."
I tried my best to shoot him a smile though I still didn't understand his sudden mood swing. I just don't get it, what even happened?
Kouji studied my eyes with a serious expression but it twisted into a genuine grin, "..okay, sorry. W-"
BEEP
I glanced at my phone, seeing another message.
'Let's party! Your house, 7:00!'
I pouted, "..why is it always my house?"
"Tell him no," Kouji grinned teasingly, "..you can do what you want. Don't let him push you around."
I grunted, "..why do I feel like you're pushing me around now?"
Kouji laughed.
I smiled, I loved that sound.
•••
It was only six o'clock yet there was already knocks at my door. Everyone showed up at once; Rin, Takuya, Tomoki and Junpei. I wasn't surprised I didn't see Izumi, but I wondered if I ever would again. After what she did to Junpei, it was extremely hard to miss her, but I actually do.
Just a little.
What she did was wrong but I have to ask, why? Junpei doesn't deserve any negativity, he's the kind of person you wish you could give the world. Surely, Izumi agrees, right?
We all sat at the couch. Takuya and Rin bounced and shook giddily. I glanced at Junpei but he just shrugged, as if he wasn't sure what they were so happy about. Kouji inched closer to me. I gulped, feeling his warmth from his leg through his sweatpants.
I tapped on my knee, glancing at Takuya.
"Well?" Kouji sighed.
"We're all here," Junpei spoke.
"Tell us? What's going on?" Tomoki pleaded.
Takuya's smile broadened, "..she said yes!"
"Wait. What?" Tomoki looked dumbfounded.
"We're engaged," Rin answered with a cheeky smile.
"Oh, shit, congratulations guys!" Junpei hugged them both.
"I have alcohol!" Takuya lifted a paper bag with a dumb grin.
Engaged? That was fast. Kouji feels it was too fast, as well. I sense it. Is this the weird feeling I felt earlier? I should be happy for him. He's a friend, I need to remember that. Kouji only glanced at me, for some strange reason it seemed he was checking on me.
What is that expression?
Before I knew it, we all were taking shots. I was extremely nervous at first for my brother, I know he kept sober for the most part. Kouji kept reassuring me with his eyes he would be okay. Junpei didn't look too excited to see my brother drinking, either, but let it slide. I think it was because he trusted him enough.
After the first two shots, Kouji didn't become mean, just quiet. It was unnervingly irregular for me to see Kouji intoxicated and silent. I was one hundred percent nervous, seeing that he wasn't his normal, unfriendly-self. I should be happy Kouji wasn't being rude, but I couldn't help it. Something of it scared me.
"Congratulations again, guys," Junpei toasted with his glass.
"Thanks!" Rin said with a smile.
Junpei marveled, "..it's so cool. I'm so happy for you guys."
"How did you purpose?" Tomoki asked, looking at Takuya.
"Well.. it was the classic ring in her drink," Takuya laughed.
Rin chimed in, "..I never saw it coming!"
"Speaking of love, I think I might have a new lady friend!" Junpei grinned broadly.
"Think?" Takuya questioned.
"Well, I was at the library-"
"Junpei, I didn't know you read," Takuya joked.
Junpei laughed and rolled his eyes, "..I don't even like books. I was only there to use the printer. But I saw this really pretty girl. Long brown hair.. yellow dress.."
I turned my head to the side watching Junpei sigh with wonder.
Junpei finished, quietly exhaling, "..I like dresses."
Takuya snorted, singing his question, "..So what's her name?"
"Uh, I didn't ask," Junpei said sheepishly.
"Wait, what?" Tomoki frowned, "..did you even talk to her?"
"Uh, no," Junpei admitted, "..I wish I did."
"Oh, are you scared?" Rin smiled, "..you're so handsome, I'm sure she'd love the attention!"
Junpei blushed, "..thanks."
"Kouji, you're really quiet. You okay?" Takuya asked.
Kouji shrugged, "..just listening."
Takuya sees it, too.
I peered at my twin out of the corner of my eye. On the outside, Kouji seemed cool. However, I felt an imploding volcano from him. I didn't see him indulge in high amounts of alcohol, so I thought I may be wrong about him right now. He wasn't chugging; that's a good sign, right?
I watched everyone drink, everyone except Kouji. He was the one way behind. He's probably nervous to get as wasted as he used to.
"Want to play Ōsama?" Rin asked the group.
"I haven't played that in forever," Junpei stated.
Takuya asked, "..Kouichi, do you have any chopsticks?"
"Um, not disposable," I admitted.
"We can use paper?" Tomoki suggested.
The group nodded. Once again, Kouji was the only still one. He didn't seem mad at all, just calm. I don't know why but it made me uncomfortable.
I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen for Rin. She made six slips; each one numbered aside from the last. She wrote 'King' on the last piece of paper, slamming the pen down on the table, grinning.
"Let's play!" She commanded.
We all took a slip secretly and randomly. I got number four, I looked up slowly noticing Kouji sighing, setting his 'King' slip on the table.
"Alright.. number three, take three shots," Kouji spoke.
Takuya was the only one that frowned heavily.
Kouji smirked, "..back to back."
It was nice seeing that kind of emotion from Kouji. I didn't like him mad and him being quiet was completely weird. The teasing, dominating and cunning Kouji could definitely stay.
I love this Kouji.
"Are you trying to kill me?" Takuya groaned, his voice made it clear he was indeed number three.
"You deserve to get wasted on your engagement party," Junpei chuckled, pushing the bottle towards the brunette.
Takuya did as the King commanded.
"Okay.. number four.. chug for four seconds," Kouji spoke, looking around at the group.
"O-okay," I muttered, taking the bottle.
Kouji seemed surprised at me as I chugged.
"Kouji's trying to get everyone messed up," Tomoki laughed.
He was right. After that first round, I was definitely feeling something. The second round was even worse because we had a drunk Takuya for a King.
"Number three and one, figure out who's taking one shot and who's taking three," Takuya laughed maniacally.
I looked up and met Junpei's eyes.
"I can do three," Junpei volunteered.
"No.. it's okay. You're driving," I smiled, my cheeks pink and hot from intoxication.
Junpei hesitated, then shrugged, handing me the bottle reluctantly. After I drank I felt woozy but I didn't go to the bathroom. I rubbed my eyes feeling the dizziness increase.
The third round was the worst one. The numbers were always random; the King had no idea who had what number drawn. It was just bad luck that I had to drink so much every round. Kouji was drinking the least; he's the lucky one.
A drunk Rin became King or in this case, Queen.
"Number five, take two shots!" Rin commanded.
Kouji drank.
"Numbers one and two, sit this out," Rin grinned to herself.
Tomoki clapped, obviously happy he didn't get called just to drink. Junpei huffed, smiling at his reaction.
"Numbers three and four," Rin slammed a bottle more than half gone on the table, "..finish this. You have one minute!"
Once again, my number was called and I couldn't even fight back I was so drunk. Everything seemed so great, everyone seemed amazing and even I felt amazingly great.
Kouji just looked amazingly great.
Even when he stood to head to the bathroom, he looked so cool. The way his ponytail fell on his back, the slight motion as he slid his hands in his pockets and even that aloof and composed expression he wore just made him look so.. cool.
My eyes wandered to an area they probably should never have. The grey sweatpants he wore carelessly showed a bit too much in the lower region. I blushed ridiculously realizing what I had glanced at.
Wait, why did I look there? Did anyone see me? What the hell is wrong with me?
No one noticed but possibly Junpei. This worried me, but honestly the intoxication didn't allow such emotion. He handed me the bottle, I think it was his way to try to help cover my red cheeks. I mentally thanked him and I took the bottle, chugging a bit. Takuya held his hand out, I guess he was the other number.
Kouji came back from the bathroom and plopped down next to me. I kept my eyes from staring though I wanted to. I didn't know why I had the urge to just look at him, but I do.
I'm so weird.
"Don't you think one minute is a little harsh?" Tomoki asked.
Rin thought for a moment, then announced, "..two minutes!"
Kouji rolled his eyes but it was so subtle.
Why does he look so good right now? I can't help but think that.
I just want to kiss him.. wait, what the hell am I thinking now? Stop it. Stop thinking these things.
"I feel like shit," Takuya pouted, swaying and leaning on Rin's shoulder.
Rin giggled.
"Congrats, buddy," Junpei laughed, "..let's get you home."
Junpei carried Takuya bridal style out the door, obviously he was too wasted to even stand up. It was a humorous sight.
I waved goodbye to everyone as they left, one by one. It was just Kouji and I in a room and I wanted it to be that way for so long, so desperately. My reasoning wasn't working anymore and I had no hindsight left.
I can't help it. Kouji looks so good. He makes me feel so good. Does he know that?
Without hesitation, I kissed him. We sat on the couch next to each other. I deepened the kiss and let my body try to crawl and straddle him. Before I could move too much he shoved me lightly back into my spot. It didn't phase me as much as you would think. I smiled, the intoxication once again wouldn't allow correct emotion. I went in for a second kiss. Kouji held me in place by my shoulders.
I frowned deeply.
"We can't."
"W-what?" I pouted at him.
"You heard me," he said in a stern voice.
We stared at eachother. Kouji didn't reject me like this; it actually, really hurts.
"Why?" I whined.
Kouji clicked his teeth, diverting his eyes, "..we just can't."
Why does his body say yes but his words are saying no? Why am I getting angry? I can feel it. He did it before, why did he stop now? Is this it? Does he hate me?
"I'm sorry.. you do it so.." I trailed off, slightly embarrassed but also trying to hide any upsetting feelings I felt.
"Yeah, well, it's about time I stop, right?"
I think I could cry. I know it's the alcohol that created these emotions but what the hell is going on? We do this so often, why is it so wrong now? Have I had it wrong this entire time?
I thought Kouji.. wanted this. I do..
"I don't understand."
"You're just drunk. That's the only reason you do what you do!" Kouji frowned, "..It's really unattractive."
I could see instant regret on his face.
Still, I couldn't help but be hurt.
"Wait, what? Really? Why are you yelling at me when you do it, too?" I replied, my anger finally showed.
"Do you even have a reason? Do you feel bad for me, is that it?" His response was quick and venomous.
"No! What-
"Are you pressured?"
"No-"
"Then stop."
My brow furrowed, "..do you have a reason?"
He paused. The silence was unnerving. I just want to go back just minutes and stop myself from saying anything. I don't want to fight anymore, not with him.
Say something, Kouji. This silence is unbearable.
Sadness shown through Kouji's laugh, "..whatever.. Screw it."
I didn't realize I had a tear running down my cheek.
Did I do something bad? Am I wrong here?
"Kouichi, I'm sorry," Kouji sighed.
It seemed realization of his pitiful actions finally hit him. It was too late, though.
"No, you're not. You're right. I'm just gross-"
"No, I lied! I was just mad or something. Im definitely the gross one."
He suddenly hugged me. I didn't understand Kouji lately. His emotions were ranging from every spectrum and I couldn't keep up. I didn't understand this morning and I don't understand him now. Our twin telepathy has been drifting apart and I couldn't stop it. There's a wall now, always.
"Do you hate me?" I asked, my lower lip portuding.
"No! Damn it."
"Then what is it.. why are you so mad.." I muttered, attempting to push him off me but whether he was too strong or I was too drunk, I just couldn't, "..all day.. today.. what's wrong with you?"
"I.. I'm.. " Kouji growled lightly, "..you had a feeling.. I didn't know if you were.. upset.. you know? Over him."
"Takuya?" My eyes widened.
Kouji didn't confirm.
He got engaged.. so quickly.. that's weird, isn't it?
"What are you saying?" I murmured.
Kouji seemed like he was fighting an inner battle. I sensed it was about honesty, but I wasn't sure. It's like I said, our twin telepathy has been drifting. It's difficult to read him lately.
"I don't know," Kouji exhaled roughly, "..let's stop talking.. about him."
"Wait, w-why would I be upset over Takuya?" I stammered, "..what did he do?"
"Nothing, damn it. I don't know."
"Just tell me," I pressed, "..be honest."
Kouji ceased breathing momentarily. His eyes shifted towards me piercingly.
"Fine. Do you like him?"
Kouji's question caught me off guard.
Do I what? Like him? Takuya?
"W-what? No!" I frowned, "..why would you think t-that?"
"You.." Kouji paused, mumbled his words, "..you know.. you just.. I don't know. He likes you."
"He has a girlfriend- I mean, they're engaged," I reasoned, "..that's his fiancé."
Kouji shrugged, "..doesn't mean he doesn't like you."
"I don't understand why you think that," I replied quietly.
"He kissed you."
"S-so? You kissed me before, it doesn't mean you like me," I spoke a little too loud.
Kouji stayed silent and seemed pained; but over what, I wasn't sure. I didn't know if the silence meant he was putting together a puzzle in his mind or if he just kept silent to keep his ranting at bay.
"Kouji?" I peeped, trying to force him out of his trance.
Kouji glanced at me and shook his head, "..you just don't get it."
I mean, he's right. I don't get a lot of things. My own twin is upset over something I just couldn't see. Even if he told me to my face, it just went over my head.
"Then tell me.. so I do get it," I whispered, staring at his shaking fingers.
I wanted so badly to hold his hand in that moment, his trembling made me think back to the withdrawal stages.
"You're just too nice.. and innocent.. You're so different, you don't see it, you give everyone the benefit of the doubt," Kouji began, his words slow.
Even with how slow he talked, I still couldn't comprehend. It was almost like a foreign language.
Kouji scratched his arm, "..even me."
"Um," I couldn't find the right words, "..I'm different?"
"..yeah and so.. um, when you drink you turn into, um, someone else.. I feel like it's my fault. Like maybe I did something.. to make you this way, I guess, maybe you do that stuff all time," Kouji turned away as he spoke.
"I d-don't! You didn't do anything, Kouji!" I ranted, "..you're the only one. I swear. I'm sorry.. if it's weird."
Kouji eyed me, studying my facial expression. I wore my heart on my sleeve for him, I think he could tell.
"It's not weird," Kouji spoke but he sounded questionable.
"You don't think so?"
Kouji shrugged.
"But you don't want it?"
Kouji stayed still and silent. I couldn't even hear him breathing.
Kouji's just jealous and wants my attention? That's what it sounds like.. I wonder if I'm right. I think I am.
I poked his arm, a grin appearing on my face. Suddenly it was hard to have a serious conversation.
Kouji looked at me in question with a raised eyebrow.
I smiled playfully, "..I'll never get drunk and kiss you again, then."
Kouji frowned deeply, "..no.. I mean.. um, can we just pretend like this fight didn't happen? I'm sorry, I'm just grumpy. I didn't sleep well, I think."
You're so full of it.. I know you just want my attention.. look at you.. acting like a kid.. it's kind of funny..
"What?" Kouji's brow twitched, agitated at my humored smile.
"Nothing," I murmured, eyeing him tenderly, "..but is it really okay?"
"Yeah.. you don't have to.. if you don't want to," Kouji diverted his eyes, his cheeks reddening, "..it's just nice.. it makes me feel better.. it's just nice just knowing you're next to me, you know?"
It shocked me; is Kouji blushing?
It was my turn to redden, "..it's nice?"
Kouji couldn't speak, his facial features twisted into regret. I think what he admitted caused remorse.
I swayed a bit, the inebriation still taking ahold of me, "..kiss me?"
I giggled laying back on the couch. I held my hands on like a child just wanting Kouji's touch.
"Why?" Kouji didn't budge, just stared like a deer in headlights.
"You said.. it makes you feel better.. and it makes me feel better, too," I smiled, wiggling my fingers as if saying 'come to me'.
Kouji stared more intensely and shocked. His face molded into a smirk as he climbed on top of me. I think he liked my answer and it made me feel like I did a good thing. Our lips pressed against each other once again, but this time we didn't break it for what seemed like hours.
Is this what Junpei knew? Kouji likes kissing me? Why is it a bad thing? Why is life so confusing? Why does he taste so good? Why is his hand..
Kouji hand carassed my neck, tracing down to my waist. His fingers suddenly brushed the top of my rear and I felt a tingle run through my body. What ever nervousness I felt trumped my longing for him. I pulled back, wanting to say something to him but he just pushed his lips on mine.
His hand moved back to my cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb. He smiled through our kisses, as if he knew something.
"Do-" he pecked my lips, I couldn't barely get a word out, "..you-"
Once again, my words were stopped by his mouth.
"..Kouji!"
Kouji pulled away, obviously upset I interrupted, "..what?"
"Do you.. do this with.. others?"
Kouji smirked, I could tell he held back a laugh, "..no."
No? He doesn't.. and I don't.. Takuya kissed me.. Kouji said Takuya likes me, just because he kissed me. Than what if..?
"Want to go shower?" Kouji never took his eyes off of me.
I know I've done it before, but something felt different. I actually felt nervous, maybe self conscious. I thought drinking this heavily would make things easier but in this moment, it didn't. I don't know what came over me but I actually agreed to go with him.
We stood in the bathroom, there was tension in the thick air that made it extremely hard to breath. He slowly took off his shirt, his slight muscle indentation protruded and retracted enticingly in the bathroom light. If I wasn't flustered before, I was now. He threw his shirt on the floor and began to unzip his pants. I turned away trying to hide my glowing red face but it didn't do any good.
What's different?
Kouji hid his laugh as he spoke, "..what's wrong?"
"N-nothing," I mumbled, "..just get in."
Kouji huffed, almost self-satisfied. I waited for him to get fully in the shower before letting my hands fall from my face.
At the very last minute I backed out. I just sat in the bathroom and waited for him to come out of the shower. My head was spinning with questions.
Something feels different. Definitely.
•••
KOUJI'S POV
Kouichi passed out in the bed and I just couldn't sleep. I was utterly restless, our last conversation had been a little too much for me to handle and especially by myself. My confusion just worsened; I just needed guidance.
I tip-toes outside and sat quietly on the steps. I wanted to smoke a joint but I promised Kouichi I wouldn't stay away from drugs. I've been sober for awhile now, I haven't had a sip of alcohol until today. I don't even have any cigarettes but I just really want one.
I feel really, really weird. It's what Kouichi said and his actions tonight. What's happening?
I need to call Junpei. He has answers..
I pushed call but the ringing tone seemed to be endless.
'Hello?'
'Junpei, I know it's late,' I murmured, scratching the back of my head.
'It's alright. What's up?'
'It's Kouichi.'
'What's wrong?' His voice suddenly became serious.
'Nothing. Well, something. I don't know.'
'Did you?' Junpei hummed as he thought.
'What?'
'Did you tell him yet?'
'What? No!' I rolled my eyes, '..but, shit. I think.. I almost did.'
'What happened after I left?' Junpei questioned.
I told him everything. Well, everything that mattered. He doesn't need to know how jealous I became over Takuya, nor does he need to know all my dirty thoughts pertaining to Kouichi.
'Kouji, listen to me. Just tell him. It sounds like he likes you, too.'
'How can you tell?' My cheeks were red; I was so glad I was alone.
'Are you blind? You were there!' Junpei practically yelled.
I growled, '.. he was probably just drunk.'
'But he probably likes you.'
'Fine, maybe. But what if he doesn't know it? I didn't realize.. at first,' I sighed roughly, feeling somewhat defeated.
'Want me to talk to him?'
'No!' My eyes widened.
'I'll talk to him.'
'Junpei, I said no.'
'Goodnight,' he sang.
The click of the phone hanging up gave me palpitations.