(You never meant it - skinny atlas)

*New POVs hehe*

*Creating my first comic based off this story!

"Main Sequence" on Tapas!*

TAKUYA POV

'I guess Kouji and Kouichi are finally getting a new place soon. Maybe in a month or two!'

'Oh, nice!' I said inattentively, almost entirely unaware of the phone conversation Junpei and I were having currently.

I'm too preoccupied just mentally jumping for joy at an soon upcoming event. At the moment I'm getting ready to go on a dinner date with Rin. My excitement clogged correct thinking and I couldn't even find my phone even though I held it in my own hands.

Dumb.

I'm taking her out for her favorite kind of food at her favorite little diner. I remember every little thing about her, even I surprise myself sometimes. I only work part time, but luckily it saves a lot of time just to see her. On days like this I just feel over the moon. Being in love can be the greatest feeling.

I see her all the time, almost every day. If it weren't for work I probably would actually see her daily. I almost forgot what it's like to have friends. I wasn't lonely, just happy. It's the greatest feeling in the entire world to know someone cares about you just the way you care about them.

Junpei told me he's on his way over to Kouichi's residence. I knew the twins weren't very social to begin with, but lately I've witnessed them opening up more and more to the group. It almost felt like the old days, but maybe even better. Something of it gave me hope. It's almost like getting older doesn't have to suck as long as we have each other.

'Aw, man. I want to go but I have plans with my lady,' I spoke, wearing a grin.

'It's okay!' Junpei smiled through his words.

Normally it would sadden me not to be around everyone but I can't help but stay overjoyed. I've never been more in love with a girl before. She was so caring and kind, just like Kouichi, but she had a spitfire and a personality like mine and I just loved it so much. We got along so well; she is definitely my better half.

The person that I've been looking for my entire life was finally here with me.

Quickly, I hung up with Junpei and left to head to my destination. I even tripped skipping out the front door with complete idiotic excitement.

When I arrived I couldn't help my emotions. I just about pranced through the tables like a little kid in a toy store. Now I'm just sitting here, anxiously awaiting her presence. I twitched and tapped my fingers on the table, it was overwhelming how desirous I had been in the last five minutes. I even had the host give me a table in the corner so it was quiet and private for Rin and I.

I watched as Rin finally strolled in, searched around, met my eyes and made her way over towards me. She looked so beautiful; her hair was curled and she wore a pink dress covered by a beige coat.

She's an angel, my angel.

I greeted her with a hug but she barely returned it. There was slight tension; it gave me a weird feeling and sent a shiver down my spine.

"Hey.. you okay?" I asked, as softly as possible.

Rin sat across from me, but she seemed nervous and uneasy about even being there to begin with. She had her hand laid on the table. I moved my hand to rest on hers in a comforting manner but she just pulled away. Immediately I knew something was very, very wrong.

An entire book of thoughts ran through my mind in less than a minute.

The waiter came and asked for drinks. Quickly, she took control of the situation and told the waiter to leave us alone for a few minutes. We sat in silence, the only noise had been the dull chatter of the customers in the diner. My stomach twisted with impatience. I glanced at her but she wouldn't even look at me. She stared deeply at the napkin on the table in thought about something I didn't even know if I wanted to know. It was extremely overbearing how quiet it was between us, I just wanted to hide under a rock for ten years.

"Takuya.. I think.. it's best to come out and say it," Rin sighed, peeking up at me, "..I think-"

"Just say it," I spoke coldly.

I felt nervous but it didn't stop me from feeling extremely annoyed. This feeling I had earlier only agitated me more hearing the dreary words she voiced.

"I'm backing out. I'm sorry. I just.. want to be alone and focus on studying. We moved too fast. Are you mad?" Rin asked, her words were fast and discombobulated.

I didn't know what to say to her, I just kept my mouth shut. It's almost as if I couldn't comprehend her words or like she was speaking in another language. I felt my hands curl into a fist and tremble. I suddenly became dizzy, my vision blurred.

This isn't real.

This can't be real.

It's not real.

But this is real.

Fuck.

What? Wait, she's really breaking this off? For that? We don't have to be engaged, we can wait! And she can study more.. we don't have to hang out all the time.. she can have her space. Is it me? It's always me, isn't it? Damn it. I'm so confused.. and pissed off. I should have seen this coming. This shit always happens to me. I have the worst luck with relationships. Why? This is why I should have left first.

"Takuya?" Rin cocked her head, "..say something? I'm sorry-"

"What lame excuse is that, Rin?!" I slammed my hands down on the table, standing up.

A few people near us in the diner stared. It's like they were witnessing the most fantastic movie they've ever seen.

Rin waved her hand and whispered, "..sit down!"

"You're leaving? For what?" I huffed, "..you're excuse is just bullshit."

Rin frowned, "..Takuy-"

"You really want me out of your life? Fine. I'm gone," I spat harshly, grabbing my jacket and starting to march out the door.

"We can still be friends," Rin stood, her face seemed sad.

Pfft. Not sad enough.

I just wanted to laugh, cry and get violent all at once. It's the last thing I needed to hear from her; her false pity can go to hell.

"Fuck that," I replied roughly just before walking out the door.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. For ever.

The diner wasn't far from our homes so we both walked here. I think now would be a bad idea to go home, I'd be surrounded with family asking me all kinds of questions and I just didn't need that from them. My dad would only be the cause of endless shame and my mom would only feel pity. How can I even tell them, really? I gave them the good news not too long ago. They will think their son is a loser, I swear.

What I needed was to talk to someone kind, caring and comforting. Someone real nice, someone that could honestly make me feel better even with one simple word. Someone like my mom, protecting and nurturing. I need Kouichi. I should know better and I should get Junpei instead but I'm letting myself be selfish in this instant. I just need him.

Whatever..

I hid behind a building a sobbed, my shaking hand holding my phone to my ear as it rang. Suddenly I heard Kouichi's soft voice answer and I wanted to cry harder.

Why couldn't I find another him? I thought I did with Rin. It just isn't fair. What even happened? Am I really that blind? If I get too involved with a girl, this happens. I felt guilty about cheating on that girl but at least I didn't get my heart broken that time. I'm tired of this same old shit. It's hard to try anymore. Who is lacking longevity here? Is it me?

I was looking for happiness anywhere and everywhere. If I could, I would date everyone in the whole world just to find my soul mate. That's how I used to think, anyway. Love is an important emotion to me but sometimes I can't take the heartbreak. Rin is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. The heartache is almost never ending with every female I entail. This is why I cheated in the first place and this might be the start of something totally devious. I feel sorry for the next girl I get my hands on.

I should probably learn to be happy by myself first but I just can't. Life is meaningless without love, isn't it? Is it wrong to think this? I put on a brave face for everyone, laugh through my sadness and pain but I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to put up this charade for long. Someone's going to see through it. Maybe someone already has.

I know I kissed Kouichi that night and it made me realize my attraction to men, or just Kouichi, was completely real. I didn't know if I was that desperate or not but I'd like to think I was just open minded. I can't tell anymore.

If I could, I'd marry Kouichi. Not being weird, he's just the kind of person I've always wanted to be with. He reminds me of my mom and it makes me feel warm. The older I get, the more I realize this. Lately I haven't been finding anyone like him. Not like I was looking, but when I do, I just don't see any comparisons. I can lie to myself all the time and tell myself there's someone out there like him or like Rin, but I'm only fooling myself.

I know Kouji likes him, he would be stupid for not liking him. Whether it's his brother or not it didn't bother me; what did bother me was my best friend and I both like the same person. I can't think of Kouji as a threat but then what? I guess all is fair in love and war, right?

What is this angel and devil on my shoulder?

Just recently I've grown tired, like I'm not good enough. There's a bit of distance with me and Kouichi and I didn't know where it came from or if it was my fault. I just have a feeling Kouichi likes him back. The way they are with each other is the way I wish I could be with someone and it only makes me jealous.

I thought I had that with Rin. I was wrong; I'm just an idiot.

'Takuya?' Kouichi spoke worriedly on the phone, '..are you crying?'

I'm completely crushed; I just want to talk to him but I don't even know what to say. I could only reply with a small sob of help.

'Hey, talk to me! Please?' Kouichi pleaded mouselike.

I heard him shush someone in the background. I was more important apparently, this made me happy.

I didn't realize how dark it had outside outside. The sun was almost set.

'Takuya? Don't cry,' Kouichi whispered, sighing hearing my sobs.

I just can't help it anymore.

You said you loved me, but apparently you just never meant it. This is insane to think this all happened again and I don't get it, what the hell? How could she say something like that? How could she lie to my face? She doesn't love me at all. I put everything I had into her and I feel so pathetic for doing it.

I hate this.

I have to keep calm and cool. Everyone thinks I'm perfect with no flaws. I'm never sad, I'm happy and funny all the time. Maybe some people think it, but I feel like Kouichi doesn't. Not anymore, at least. He can feel my pain. Why is he the only person that knows me? I see it now.

I hate everything.

This really, really sucks. I can't believe Rin really never was the one. I thought she was and that breaks my heart. I just never thought her and I would part but look what happened.

'Takuya.. okay, I'm alone.. I'm outside.. no one's listening,' he cooed, I could hear his frown on his voice, '..what's going on?'

'She left me.'

My own words pained me.

'S-she left? She.. broke it off?' Kouichi seemed speechless for a moment, '..can you come over?

'I don't know if I should be around.. everyone right now,' I grumbled into my palm.

'It'll be just me. We can sit outside alone or s-something.'

Alone?

I nodded, not like he knew that. What a good idea, but really, is it? He could make me feel better, but would I really feel better being around the one person I wanted and couldn't have? I'm already heartbroken enough.

'Do you want me to get Junpei to come get you?' Kouichi asked gently.

'No. I'll walk.'

'Okay.. but.. don't hang up. I'm worried.'

It's nice someone is.

This made me happy.

'I wasn't planing on hanging up,' I replied hoarsely.

The complete walk over to him I just cried and thought to myself, contemplating and deliberating. Kouichi kept soundless, but I did hear his breathing waver on the phone.

This is the first time I've ever had a breakdown anywhere near anyone, even over a phone call. Of course, of all people it just had to be Kouichi. It's nice to know he does care. I always knew that he would, he's just so nice. Probably too nice, though.

He met me in the front yard and we immediately threw ourselves into a mutual hug. I moved a lot more quickly than he did. His shyness and hesitation was dare I say, cute.

"Takuya.." Kouichi's voice quivered, sounding like he was about to cry, "..it'll be okay."

"Why? Why me?" I trembled.

Kouichi tried to pull away, I think he wanted to look at my face but I couldn't help my grip tighten. It's the smell of his clothing and hair that ceased this pain. I just needed it. I didn't want to feel this suffering any longer.

"Why does this shit always happen to me?" I growled through my teeth.

"I don't know," Kouichi frowned, there was something intriguingly defeated about his voice.

I heard him slightly sniffle and realized he had been crying with me.

I love his empathy, so much than anyone knew. It's not with everyone that he feels their pain, but I was one of the lucky ones that had been felt. For once, I'm lucky. The kind of luck I actually wanted.

"You're going to be okay," he spoke again, soothingly, "..you're still young and handsome! Any girl would be lucky to be with you."

Yeah? I wish that were true.. I know who I want.. and will never have..

"Yeah," I wiped my cheeks, my free hand holding him by his shoulder, "..maybe."

"It's true! She's dumb for letting you go," Kouichi pressed.

I could see in his face he would say anything to make me feel better. Am I so important to him he would try so hard for me? He could say anything and I would believe him. I truly convinced myself his words were genuine. I don't know what killed me more, this compassion and attention he gave me or my feelings about it.

"She doesn't get it," he finished.

...you, either.

I looked him in the eyes as reassuring as I could but it just shown obvious sadness. I could feel my sorrow and fears radiating through our eye contact. Kouichi's brow furrowed, I think he finally realized the real me, just like he probably always felt. He saw a subdued kid set in misery for everyone's picking. I'm just a fucked up piñata only wanted for looks and sweets. Realistically, I'm just a broken toy that no kid wants to play with.

"Want to come inside and m-maybe get some water? Or I can m-make you some tea. And d-dinner, you can stay over. I just.." he spoke, his eyes shook with unspilt tears.

I ran out of breath just listening to him.

He continued, "..I just.. I.. I don't want.. you.. to feel bad anymore."

My heart.. is pounding.. my stomach.. is flipping. This.. this makes me so happy. I'm so happy again and it terrifies me.

I smirked ever so lightly at him, "..I wish."

"W-what?" He pouted, "..why not?"

"I, uh.."

"What?" He cocked his head.

"I.. this.. this is different."

"W-what is?"

"All that.. sounds amazing. Being with you.. makes me feel a thousand times better, but.." I sighed deeply, there was a nonstop ache in my chest.

He muttered, "..but?"

"..but I feel unwanted, like I shouldn't be here or something."

"Why would you think that?" Kouichi's voice grew, "..you should be here.. you need to be here.. stay?"

He wants me to stay?

The angel and devil.. they're fighting.

Kouichi hugged me tighter and I gulped. I understand this anguish he feels for me, but this compassion is otherworldly. He's just so nice, too nice. That's a problem and a big one for me. Am I taking this the wrong way?

"I'm okay now, I swear," I attempted a smile but I felt a tear in my eye.

"You're a bad liar."

I mean, he's right. In the state I am in currently it's going to be hard to lie, especially for someone I'm a window to. I should let myself be a little selfish and stay with him. There was something evil and conniving in the back of my mind and I could feel it slowly taking over.

"Kouichi.. You should go back inside. I feel like Kouji hates me enough."

"He doesn't hate you!" Kouichi replied.

I wanted to laugh.

I grinned sadly, moving a strand of hair from his face, "..he does."

Kouichi blinked, obviously surprised at my actions. I can't help myself when he acts like this around me. We're alone right now, doesn't he know this is how I will act? I do it on purpose because I love his reactions.

I'm good looking, I know it. Everyone liked me in high school and it only boosted my self esteem yet it confused me more. I could get anyone I wanted, anyone but him. Why is this so hard? Is there something wrong with me? I mean, there always is, apparently. If I don't leave, the girls do.

Whatever.

Maybe I don't need the girls anymore.

Maybe it's just him.

Kouichi pouted hearing my reply.

Kouichi's so cute. I just want to kiss him right now.

"Why?" Kouichi barely spoke a whisper.

"Why wouldn't he?"

Kouichi didn't speak. It seemed he didn't know what exactly to say. I don't think he thought this conversation would lead to this. I didn't even think it would lead to this, either. For the moment, I had forgotten Rin.

Is it weird to think that no one compares to him? Even the prettiest of girls didn't seem as attractive to me. I wish Kouichi thought this highly of me.

Shit. Wait. Wait a damned second.

I can't think like this. This self pity needs to stop. I can't do this anymore. There's a constant pain in my chest and it just won't go away. Can I show Kouichi my ache? There it is; this conniving side of me. I'll just let it out, I couldn't care less anymore.

I need to see how he feels, I need to see his reactions. I needed to lie, just a little bit. Even if it hurts me.

I'm hurt, anyway. Who cares?

"I get admiration and attraction mixed up a lot."

"W-what?" Kouichi seemed confused.

"I know Kouji knows I kissed you. I know you can't keep secrets from him, I see how close you guys are. He hates me for it. It's okay. I'd hate me, too."

I studied him, a twinkle in my eye seeing his frown.

"Wait, what?" Kouichi seemed dumbfounded, I don't think he was expecting a speech.

"I always thought you were cool.. and kind.. and genuine, I just admired you. I'm sorry I kissed you."

"It's okay, b-but.." Kouichi turned red almost immediately.

It's okay? Okay. If he says so.

He scratched his head, "..why? Why are you telling me all this?"

"I need you to know I never meant it. And obviously, Rin didn't, either."

There it is; a clean slate. What will you do now, Kouichi? I'm waiting. What will you say?

It really hurt, telling him I never meant it. Of course I did. He doesn't even know he's my favorite person in this stupid world. He was my favorite person on our young adventures and he is even now. I didn't realize my infatuation in high school but now I do. It's growing stronger every day. I hate myself for ever leaving him alone. What if I had been there for him in high school instead of Kouji? Would he choose me?

Rin leaving is just the icing on the cake right now. I feel like my whole world is on fire. I just wanted to be Kouji right now, he's going to get what he wants, I just know it. He's that type, he's just a walking magnet. I don't want to feel this pain anymore of not getting anything I want in life. I may sound like a spoiled brat, but asking for one thing didn't sound that bad.

"Rin?" Kouichi attempted a smile and it sent shivers down my spine, "..It's better to focus on yourself and let love find you when your older. Maybe she's just not here in this town, she might be in another country!"

He. Or, maybe he's right here. Maybe it's just desperation and admiration. I really do like him. Honestly I can't even tell my emotions anymore. Why is my mind so messed up?

"You should just stay available for the right person. You'll know it, your heart will show it," Kouichi beamed, poking my chest.

Available? Is he giving me a sign? When he said that.. and touched my chest.. my heart skipped. That's a sign!

I nodded lightly, this overwhelming feeling in my chest made it hard to concentrate on my sorrow. I could feel something growing inside me but I didn't know if it was nausea or attraction.

Should I tell him? I think..

I felt eyes on me. I peered at the window to see a set or two of watchful orbs. I just didn't feel wanted, but I wanted to be around Kouichi. What is this feeling? Is this selfishness? Kouichi wants me around, too, doesn't he? He told me to stay. He wouldn't be here with me right now if he didn't. He wouldn't have answered that phone call.

He wants me to stay with him..

Maybe I'm wrong; maybe he doesn't like Kouji after all.

Available..

I'm going to tell him.. tonight.

Kouichi pulled me inside, but only because I gave into seeing other humans. In reality I wish it was just us but beggars can't be choosers. He wanted me to come in for tea, dinner and even stay the night. It blew my mind. I didn't think it would be like this but what did I expect acting like a blubbering baby to someone like him?

Well, maybe I was just special.

I felt immense tension when I stepped inside. Maybe I just felt a bit unwelcome from Kouji, but I didn't care. Kouichi wanted me there.

Even so, it seemed there was more to the story.

"Hey, buddy," Junpei smiled wearily.

Kouji didn't speak, just nodded to me. He wouldn't meet my eyes and I couldn't figure out why. Does he know already and feel bad or does he just not care and hate me? Maybe it's both.

There was a bottle in their house but I didn't know if drinking was the best idea for me. I didn't put up a fight, though, nor did I care. I had someone pour me a drink and after the first sip it finally hit me. I actually needed alcohol. Maybe everyone thought so, too. I don't know. I could just tell I just looked bent out of shape to everyone.

It's different, isn't it? To see someone so perfect so messed up.. soak it in, guys. I'll bounce back tomorrow.

Everyone passed the bottle back and forth in silence. Minutes passed but it felt like seconds. A few drinks later I started to feel my stomach burn. It's as if the pain in my chest moved to my lower organs. It actually made me tear up a bit.

A tear ran down my cheek and it only made me feel annoyed. I didn't want to seem like a loser to anyone, I know I can hold my liquor. As a safeguard, I brought Kouichi into an embrace, as if i was just sad and not about to throw up.

If Kouji was giving me a death stare I couldn't tell, I wouldn't look at him. I kept myself from laughing by scrunching my face into Kouichi's shoulder. Kouichi brought his hand up to my arm and I felt his warmth through my shirt.

No one said a word.

It was at this point I realized Kouji and Junpei must have figured out my situation already. I've never acted like this before, and I'm sure they know my history with relationships.

An entire large bottle split between the four of us boys and I was the drunk one. The intoxication only increased because I didn't eat today. It's sad to think I was too excited and saved my appetite for dinner with Rin.

Kouichi sat in the middle between Kouji and I, but how I wished no one else was here. I just wanted Kouichi to myself, not being weird, I just can't be one hundred percent my true self around anyone else. Even if I were to try, I still couldn't. Kouichi just sees me for me. He's the only one.

Jeez, I'm drunk. Even my eyes aren't seeing right.

I looked around a bit perplexed.

..why does no one seem as drunk as I am? All six boys; wait, eight?

"Is anyone hungry? I can go make dinner," Kouichi glanced between Junpei and I.

Junpei shrugged and Kouichi moved to stand up. I immediately grabbed Kouichi's hand though I wasn't sure why. I just liked him being next to me. I felt like a stupid kid longing for his mother.

"Takuya? You okay?" Kouichi murmured, staring at me with his doe eyes.

"Uh..," I blinked, "..I, uh.."

Junpei chimed in, "..you good, man?"

Kouji's face wasn't anything special but it felt like he was fatally eyeing at me. I didn't like that he and Kouichi were twins. I don't know why but it didn't make much sense. I mean, they didn't look that much alike to me but sometimes when Kouji glares at me like that I can't help but see an angry Kouichi. Well, worse. Kouji looked aged but it was probably from his recent past.

"Do y-you want some water?" Kouichi eyes darted down to his wrist that I held.

I shook my head, my eyes followed. I saw a few scars peeking out from my grip. I instantly turned away, loosening my grip but something inside me made me hold on still.

Is that what I think it is?

Junpei stood and headed towards the kitchen.

I never knew..does anyone even know?

There it is again; that immoral side of me.

Maybe this is how we get close.

Kouji exhaled roughly. It surprised me he hasn't said anything, but it made me happy.

I liked a silent Kouji.

..but Kouichi.. can always talk to me..

"Want to change? I h-have more comfortable pants," Kouichi met my eyes.

I smiled, "..your pants?"

Kouichi blushed and Kouji growled a curse under his breath. I don't know what he thought about but it made me laugh. Whatever it was, I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did.

I just meant.. shit, I don't know anymore.. but these reactions.. are priceless.

"Here," Junpei raised a brow and placed a cup of water in front of me, "..drink."

I rolled my eyes, but it was a bad idea. My head started to spin and I decided it was best to lean back. Kouichi tried to stand and once again I held onto his arm. Kouji looked like he was about to yell at me but Kouichi spoke before he could.

"Kouji, can you go get some sweatpants for Takuya?" Kouichi asked softly.

Kouji huffed, standing roughly and trudged down the hall. Junpei shook his head but I wasn't sure why.

Maybe he's annoyed that Kouji is such an asshole all the time.

I rested my head on Kouichi's shoulder and muttered, "..I don't feel good."

I feel great.

"You want to go to sleep?" Kouichi frowned in my direction.

"Sleep with me."

Kouichi's cheeks were glowing red in my peripheral vision. I smirked, amused by the circumstances between us. I was actually entertained in my drunken state of mind.

"Takuya!" Junpei scolded quietly with one word.

I didn't mean it.. to come out that way..

..wait, maybe I did.

Kouji walked back in the living room to witness the scene. He threw a pair of pants at my face with such force it actually upset me. Kouji shot daggers in my direction and it only agitated me.

"What's your problem?" I asked coldly.

"You. Go change," Kouji coarsely replied.

I shrugged and started pulling off my own pants right where I sat. Immediately Kouichi covered his face and Junpei stood to hold my pants up.

"What are you doing?" Junpei frowned at my actions, astonishment written on his face.

"Kouji told me to change!" I responded with a grin, knowing full well what I was doing.

"In the bathroom, idiot," Kouji crossed his arms.

"Asshole," I hissed.

"We're not doing this today," Junpei groaned, his sigh indicated he was tired our bickering.

"Takuya, go change, you'll feel better," Kouichi peeped, giving me a slight smile.

His words.. his face.. it already made me feel better.

I nodded with a wide grin and waddled to the bathroom. I changed as quickly as I could, I just wanted to be by his side once more. I stumbled and dropped on the couch next to Kouichi. He grinned shyly as he handed me the couch pillow.

I rubbed my eyes, cuddling the pillow and leaned back onto the couch. He was right, the jeans I wore were a bit uncomfortable compared to the softness of cotton pants. I just needed a little darkness to calm and soothe me. I honestly could have fallen asleep. It was so cold in his place but Kouichi's body radiated warmth next to me. It comforted me a lot more than I knew how to explain.

He just made me feel better.

This darkness reminds me of someone.

I don't want to fall asleep, though. Not now. I want to enjoy this time.

Minutes passed and the only sound I heard was my own breathing. It was comforting, though, this silence.

"Is he asleep?" Junpei whispered.

"I think so," Kouichi replied quietly.

I'm not.. but..

I kept my eyes closed.

"Can I tell him to fuck off now?" Kouji grumbled.

Damn him. Should I say something?

"Kouji, come with me, you dick," Junpei sounded like he spoke jokingly.

I kept my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. I had an idea now and everything is falling into place. There is a god and he's on my side for once.

Hell yeah.

"Kouichi, stay with sleeping beauty. We'll be back," Junpei commanded and he stood.

Kouji sighed, "..can't I stay?"

"No. Come with me," Junpei said, "..I need to talk to you."

I felt the couch shift, I think Kouji stood. I heard the front door open and close and I smiled mentally. I was finally alone with him.

I didn't want to immediately sit up, Kouichi would know I faked everything. Even with my discombobulated mind, I still at least had a plan to falsely wake up.

I mumbled something, my hand fumbling to his thigh. Kouichi didn't shift his position, just felt like he froze. He would push my hand away if he didn't want this, wouldn't he? If that's the case, it's almost as if he wanted it, then.

I turned towards him, fluttering my eyes open slowly and untruthfully groggily. Kouichi gulped, I watched his eyes glance down to my hand resting on his thigh. He grabbed my water cup off the table in front of us and held it before me.

"Good morning," Kouichi muttered shyly, his cheeks were pink and his eyes were shining.

What a sight.

"Mornin' sunshine," I grinned at him lazily.

Kouichi's smile fell, "..um.. do you want a blanket or something?"

"Something?" I scratched my head, slowly sitting up.

I took my hand off his thigh and grabbed the cup.

"A.. a sheet or.." Kouichi trailed off, he seemed hesitant, "..or-"

"Can I sleep in your bed?"

Kouichi blinked, "..um.. sure.. y-yeah-"

"With you?"

I heard him gulp and witness his face turn red.

What is that? He didn't say no. Is that a sign? Is that a yes?

"Hey.. Kouichi?"

"Yeah?" I mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Are those real?"

"W-what?"

I swiftly clasped onto his arm and pulled his sleeve downward. Kouichi wore a sullen face as he pulled his arm away almost made me feel regret for ever asking about it. He held his wrists in his hands completely ashamed.

"I.. I d-don't do it anymore," Kouichi muttered, his eyes wouldn't meet mine, "..I swear."

"Good, 'cause I kind of need you here."

I smiled strongly, my eyes striking him down with fondness. Kouichi looked weak in the face, his eyes widened. I wanted to laugh at this sight.

"What are y-you doing?"

I ignored his question, but mentally noted I just wanted his reactions. Quickly, I set the water down hard on the table and moved closer to him. We were face to face, I could feel his hot breath on my cheek. For a moment I didn't hear Kouichi breathe at all, maybe he was nervous.

Is this good? Oh, yeah. There's something there.

I smirked, "..Kouichi, can I tell you something?"

He leaned back, but the couch only let his head pull back so far, "..w-what?"

"I like you."

He stayed silent and only stared back at me. His cheeks were flushed and I think it was because he was so stunned I actually returned his feelings.

How could he not know, really? He should know I always meant it, always. That clean slate I gave him was just a test. Did I hurt him like Rin hurt me? I think I did. I know I did.

I couldn't wait any longer, so I kissed him, but I feel like I shouldn't have. Half of me didn't care, and that's the half that took over the last two hours. I immediately felt Kouichi begin all defiance. I couldn't help it, though. He tasted so good, just like sweetened tea. Everything about it felt so right but in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. I guess I don't listen to that part of my brain, ever. I mean, it's rare.

Kouichi began to pull back a bit harder, pushing me off of him by my shoulders. His attempt was shaky, but I could tell it was genuine. I finally pulled myself back and frowned, eyeing him and trying to figure out what just happened. Something felt so weird.

Did I have this wrong? Can't be.

"T-Takuya, you're drunk," Kouichi stammered.

Was he making an excuse for me? What was happening? Maybe I was drunk, but everything I did and said were completely real. He knows.. doesn't he?

And he feels the same way, right?

Don't be like Rin.

Don't do it.

Don't.

"So?" I furrowed my brows, "..I want to."

"Um, no. It's o-okay, you don't know what y-you're doing," Kouichi explained through stutters, "..I get it. You don't m-mean it."

"I do mean it. I meant it all," I slurred.

We stared at each other merely for a few seconds but honestly it felt more like multiple tense days.

"No, you d-don't.. you're just drunk.. and sad," Kouichi's eyes widened.

"I mean it. I meant everything. Don't you get it? I like you. How many times do I have to say it? Damn. Kouichi.. I need to know now.. what happened? When.. when I told you I didn't mean it, were you sad? Did I hurt you like Rin hurt me?" I spoke, touching his chest.

Everything coming out of my mouth was so foreign to him. I can tell on his face. Every detail in his features told me he had been confused about my rant but I didn't listen to anything my own visuals warned me about. My eyes were lying to me and I let it.

He likes me back, I know this.

There's no way he doesn't like me back.. everyone likes me.. and he's different. He won't leave like the others! I wouldn't leave, either..

I'm the worst.

"What?" He hitched his breathing.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked with a noticeable tear in my eye, my voice growing violent, "..doesn't it? Can you feel it? Well? Don't hurt me like Rin did. Did I hurt you?"

The door suddenly but gently swung open. I backed off slowly from Kouichi. The two boys walked in but they both froze and stood stunned in the doorway. They studied us, especially me, with confused and upset faces. I think I was about to be murdered.

"Takuya?" Junpei looked at me bewildered, "..what are you doing?"

"Uh," I couldn't speak, just slowly backed on my rear next to Kouichi.

"Explain," Kouji growled, "..now."

If looks could kill..

"I, uh," I had trouble finding words.

I just didn't know how to explain myself to them. I don't think I'm capable of lying directly in a drunken state and my honesty would only get me wrecked.

In a swift movement Kouji grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, "..the hell were you doing on top of him?"

Junpei rested a hand on Kouji's shoulder, "..just calm down. There's an explanation for this-"

"Bullshit!" Kouji spat at Junpei, then turned back to me.

Kouichi stood and moved a step back. The situation unfolding before him only terrified him, I can see those emotions on his face.

Kouichi wants me here.. I can feel it!

"I can explain," I said dumbly.

"Then talk," Kouji responded through gritted teeth.

I smirked, speaking casually, "..I kissed him."

Kouji balled his fist but Junpei caught it before he could swing.

He's so predictable.. getting Kouji mad is so easy..

"Takuya!" Kouichi frowned, his voice pleaded for me to shut my mouth.

I just wanted to laugh again.

"Get the fuck out," Kouji snarled, pushing Junpei from his bound fist.

He threw me onto the ground. My elbow cushioned the fall, and though it did hurt, I couldn't feel it too much thanks to the alcohol. I turned towards Kouichi and he took a step towards me. He seemed like he wanted to drop next to me and kiss my mistakes and bruises.

What a thought.

I smiled at him. Kouji trembled with rage, but it only made me want to laugh more.

"He's not staying here," Kouji stated loudly, his eyes fixed on Kouichi, "..Takuya needs to get the fuck out of here."

The twins suddenly argued before me and for some reason it had me somewhat hopeful.

"But-"

"But nothing."

Kouichi wined, "..but he didn't mean it!"

"Yeah, he fucking did."

"He's just hurt.. and sad!"

"Why is that our problem?"

"We should be there for him! He doesn't mean anything-"

"Stop fucking defending him," Kouji barked powerfully, turning Kouichi silent.

The twins were quiet, too quiet. Were they mentally communicating? Maybe psychically conversing?

Junpei bent down and whispered to me, "..I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here, buddy. Come on, let me take you home."

I pouted at the older boy, "..seriously, you think so, too?"

Junpei rolled his eyes harshly, pulling me up by my arm, "..let's go."

We left in silence, Kouji didn't even look in our direction as we left. Before I stumbled out the door I met Kouichi's eyes one last time. He looked full of remorse.

I want to stay with him.

So much.

In the car it was quiet. Most of the noise came from the low murmurs of the radio, but my thoughts raced and screamed. Junpei kept his eyes on the road as I rubbed my face.

"I knew this was going to happen. Seriously, I told Kouichi it should just be us but-" I was cut off.

Suddenly the car screeched to a halt. Junpei turned to me, somewhat perplexed but unnerved.

"What are you even thinking, man?" Junpei shook his head lightly.

"What? We were just fine by ourselves but look what happened, we came inside and of course Kouji wrecks shit," I shrugged.

"You're brain works in mysterious ways, Takuya."

"Whatever."

We restrained from speaking our thoughts to one another for a moment. The silence between us was definitely discouraging. The car didn't move and we didn't go anywhere. I don't even know if we wanted to go anywhere, anyway. I rested my head on the window, staring out into the darkness of the night. It reminded me of someone again.

"So.." Junpei broke the silence.

"Hm?"

"Did you apologize?"

"For what?"

Junpei and I stared back at each other. He suddenly chuckled but I didn't know what was so humorous.

"That first time you kissed Kouichi without warning," he shook his head.

"Um, I did. Yeah!" I nodded, thinking back.

"Did you apologize to Kouji?"

"Kouji? Why would I?" I spoke crudely.

"Because-"

"Because, what? So I kissed Kouichi that one time, what the hell is the issue? What, I stepped on Kouji's property or something? Kouichi isn't a possession, man."

"Yeah, but you knew Kouji liked him, yet you still do these things. Think about it realistically. What kind of best friend are you?"

I didn't speak. Whether his words made sense to me or not it didn't even matter. I didn't want to hear it. He was just another stupid, scolding parent to me that barely knew anything.

"You should apologize again, after what you pulled today, seriously. Especially to Kouji. I had to go outside with him just to calm him down. He's never okay around you, anymore, Takuya! Don't you get that? You just proved his opinion about you when we came back inside and saw you practically straddling Kouichi!"

I sighed roughly, "..all's fair in love and war, isn't it?"

"No. Not when your best friend is involved. Don't you care? You call him your friend, don't you? Use your head for once."

There was more silence between us, but I wasn't done with this conversation. I wanted to win, whatever the victory could bring me. I didn't know why I needed to be victorious so badly but I did. I ended up breaking the silence this time.

"Okay, fine. Let's say you're right. Now what?"

Junpei is exhaled lowly, "..I am right."

"Sure."

"Look, I know your hurt and shit. You have every right to be, but doing this kind of shit with Kouichi is not going to help. You're going to end up alone!" Junpei waved his hand around and exhaled loudly, "..okay. This is going to hurt, but I need you to listen to me. I know you. I know your past, I know how popular you are with girls. I know you're used to getting what you want but I also know you put your heart and soul into the wrong people. If you do this with Kouichi you're going to get hurt again-"

"How the hell do you know?" I said angrily.

"Kouichi likes Kouji, are you freakin' blind?"

His words hit me like a giant bag of bricks and I hated it.

"Takuya, listen. Every person in this world isn't going to like you back. You can't force someone to like you and you can't fall in love with everything that has a fucking heartbeat! Stop hurting yourself!"

My face fell, I could feel my eyes well up and warm, "..you.. you think.. I'm doing this.. to myself?"

"Yes, you masochist," Junpei smirked sadly, "..I'm joking. Don't cry. But seriously, yeah."

I smiled at his dumb joke. Maybe he was right after all. He actually made sense and I really, really hated it.

Damn it.

"I really didn't want to talk to you the way I did. Sorry. I just didn't know how to get through to you," Junpei gave me a look of reassurance.

"I'm so confused," I breathed slow, attempting to keep the tears at bay, "..were my feelings for anyone ever real?"

"I couldn't tell you that part," Junpei sighed, "..all I know is you've been acting weird lately. Almost corrupted or something. I see how selfish you can be when you want something.. and man, you always want everything."

"Okay," I mumbled, staring out the window, "..'Kay."

Okay.

Okay.

Maybe he's right.

About everything.

I'm acting like a spoiled brat, aren't I?

Damn. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, damn it!

•••

JUNPEI'S POV

I came home once again to my mom quietly sobbing at the dinner table. It wasn't new, I've actually grown to expect it now. It's that stress she has from taking care of a semi-paralyzed husband, a baby and two toddlers. I try to help her when I can, but I have to work so we can pay these bills. It's hard to help everybody but I always try.

It's the same with the twins. Kouji wouldn't ask for help and look where it landed him. I was able to give him a raise at work but I also shoveled a bit of my own paycheck out. It's alright, though. I wasn't struggling, just mentally exhausted.

I fell into my bed and groaned, rubbing my eyes. I dropped Takuya off but I still feel unsettled. He promised he would call to apologize tomorrow and I really hope he goes through with it. His selfishness would only rupture the group rekindling.

I checked my phone every now and then just in case anyone needed an ear. That's what I am, a total shoulder to cry on. I give advice to people all the time, the wisest and best things I can ever think to say to someone. Though everything that comes out of my mouth is truth, some people just don't listen.

I'm tired of shoving advice down everyone's throats all the time. When's it my turn, really?

I care about everyone, even the people I've never met. The human race is just one giant family and sometimes I feel like the father. Sometimes I'm tired of it, though. It's hard being strong for everyone 24/7.

Speaking of fathers, mine's always in bed and can't move too much. I'm the oldest of my brothers and sisters, most are babies and toddlers. My mom has to stay at home to take care of everyone, she can't even afford a daycare currently. Her only breaks are when I come home from work to relieve her.

She can't do it all by herself, I know that. It's hard faking a smile everyday around her, though. Sometimes I want to cry, too.

I'm tired of it but it's sad to say that. It's my family we're talking about, after all. It's hard to feel pity and sorrow for myself, especially about Izumi, when I have a whole family to worry about and support.

It's just a lot of stress. I took up smoking awhile back just to help calm my nerves. I hide it, from everyone, no one ever sees me smoke. I don't want them to see me and think it's okay. I wouldn't wish such a dirty habit on other people but I know when I see someone fretting, like Kouji. He's one of the few exceptions.

Izumi hasn't replied to me for days, almost a week. We didn't speak to each other when we broke up, not like I thought we would. When she ended up messaging me an apology that same day it just made me so angry. My emotions weren't very logical in this instance, I should be proud of a person for admitting their mistakes.

I finally messaged her back, just a simple thank you for apologizing, but she never responded. Now I'm left at night contemplating if I should message her once more.

I didn't hate her, just hated what she did. I mean, I just liked her for so long. She's the only person that ever caught my attention. When I talk about other girls to my friends I'm just lying to try to distract myself from Izumi. It's like I'm trying to prove to myself I didn't need her anymore.

I'm wrong.

I just wish she would message me again.

I wish we could start over.

I know she didn't mean it.