Trigger warnings apply to this. If you want to know the specific potential triggers, please scroll down to the author's note at the bottom.

Immortality isn't such a big deal, to me.

Not really. Well, kind of not really. It's bizarre looking in the mirror and knowing that I'm not going to be a late bloomer after years of looking like a young girl. Still, who cares about that aspect? I'm cute and I know it, and I have to admit that the shock of my gremlins is something I relish when they try to figure out just how old I am. Do they do that with you, Shippa? Aha, see, you know what I mean!

But in any case, what I'm trying to say is, for me it's just the other side of a different extreme. After all, you know that I died for nine days and nine nights. At the end of such pain like that, there's a different kind of power that not even the most skilled of rune-casters can attain through any other way. You need to give something of yourself, in order to gain something. Those Lesser Gods of the north knew it, and so did I.

Hmmm? Yeah, nine days, nine nights. I see what you mean, I guess. I did at least know that there was an end in sight, whereas with immortality…how can we know? That's kind of the definition of the word, right? That we gave up an ending in order to get our eternity.

Well, that sounds poetic, doesn't it?

Why thank you, I'm flattered.

Anyway, yeah, both with this and with that it was the only way, really. And not gonna lie, I knew it'd raise people's regard of me, both times. After all, what average person, hell what average magician would willingly put themselves up to be speared and hung, just to get knowledge? Who would 'lose their mortality' as Cher and Hades like to say, knowing that it'd mean that they'd never be able to love anyone who still had theirs, knowing that they'd never have children, know that the end of their lives were out of their hands? Who would?

I hate that, by the way 'lose your mortality'. I mean, come on, 'immortality' itself as a word doesn't exactly sound all pretty and wonderful, does it? I mean I get it for the kids in case they decide to go immortal on a whim or whatever, but even that's a little thin. I mean, don't we hammer in the consequences anyway? Or gently nurture, whatever? I dunno, you and Cinn, you're the natural teachers, though I have to say something's definitely up with Cinn. Do you know what it is?

Oh, well. And I'm losing it again, oops. Are you sure you want my rambling for your records?

Sure, whatever you want, Shippy-boy. Not like there's anything better for me to do right now. So, where was I?

…

Right, so immortality, losing your mortality, whatever you want to call it. That, and dying for a while for the runes. That's not something everyone does-tell me, have you heard of any other rune-caster doing what I did? That proves my point. The fact that I'm still the only one, and that I then gave myself up for this…that makes me special. I bring it up to the kids, sometimes, and they look at me with such awe filled eyes, and so many questions, I feel pretty damn amazing, sometimes. The consequences are just the natural price of that. So what, if my body is locked in early youth, compounded by both these choices? So what if my side still hurts? Least I didn't need to give up an eye as well.

But yeah…dying, coming back to life, and then pretty much losing the ability to die at all…

It does something to your mind. Don't you feel it, the weight of time on your shoulders? Oh yeah, I know you love it, being able to see eras as they unfold and all that jazz, writing up your records and discovering new things like you're doing right now. I'm not obsessed with stuff like that, but I'm not completely stupid, you know? I get why it's exciting, gaining knowledge you may not have otherwise. But still, do you not feel it?

I feel it, sometimes.

I don't like to admit it, but I do.

It feels like…I don't know how to describe it. Like my nerves and my brain have become wrapped by the sharpest brambles, that all my impulses and thoughts and feelings and emotions get snagged on them. We tell the little gremlins that the only limit is their mind, that they just need to reach for the stars. But even the sky has an end point, even thought has boundaries. There's only so much that can fit in there. And when some of that 'so much' happens to be something that shreds everything and anything to pieces upon contact, it's hard to hold onto those ripped pieces. Have you ever caught your hand on a bramble? It hurts, I tell you. Imagine that inside you, all the time.

All. The. Time.

…

Yeah, that's why I try to kill myself all the time.

Though not because I want to die, as such. I like being alive, thank you very much. I will put myself on the very front of the front line, no problem, and I am prepared to die if that is what it comes to in the end, whether that's for you or for the kids. I'm prepared for anything, you should know that by now. But that doesn't mean I want to die, that'd just be a waste.

What DO I want then? That's a tricky one…hey, you've got any drinks? Let me have a think about it-my throat's getting dry.

Ah, thanks.

…

Ahhhhhh, okay, that's better. What IS that stuff, anyway-no, it's okay, tell me later. But anyway, to answer your questions. I guess sometimes it's the obvious answer-wanting it to all just stop. Or at least pause, for a moment. Sometimes those brambles, they're really savage, and it just hurts, you know. Hurts so much. And you know, it might be what I signed up for but that doesn't make it any better really. It blots everything out, and all I can think of is how to stop it.

Especially as there will be no stopping, not really, so it never works. I know I won't die, no matter how I do it. But yeah, I guess I do wonder if it'll be different every time I try. Isn't that the definition of stupidity, trying to do the same thing over, and over and over, to see if will end differently?

Persistence? You're too diplomatic.

But yeah, I have to be honest, I hate how I have no real control over how my life will go any more. To know that I will only die if in a battle or other conflict, or if I try to leave? I hate it, you know I hate being told what to do, or anything like that. Have to admit, I like pushing the envelope a bit-now that's another weird saying, but please don't go on one of your lectures about it, I don't care THAT much about it. Sorry. Anyway.

I mean, I don't hang myself-had enough of that already, thanks very much. But I've tried most things else, and none of them are pleasant. Not that it's supposed to be, but you know.

I'll have to admit, I think I've developed something of an addiction to jumping off the side of the building.

…

Figured that wasn't so shocking to you…I think everyone knows by now, but pfft, whatever. I don't think that matters, it's not the point. Anyway.

The thing is….how do I put this?

…Even though falling is only a few second, time seems to stretch out in those few seconds. Pause, even. The sensation of tumbling through the air, my hair and my clothes ballooning. It's something close to freedom, to floating. I can actually fly, but for some reason, there's just something about falling that can't beat flying. Even the moments before, when I am standing there, blinded by the colours of sunrise, my heart speeding up as I take a breath and move my feet off the edge, and then the way my insides just 'swoop' before I'm going down, down, down. It's almost an addiction, at this point, and it's why I choose that method to try and stop everything, to test the boundaries of our sacrifices.

Why not the dark? Yeah, dark is dangerous cos it conceals and all that, but really, it's kinda overrated. Tell me that you haven't been blinded by light shining in your eyes the right way. Or I guess, the wrong way. But you know what I mean, right? That's a sure-fire way of hiding something-just blind someone. Darkness is easier to defeat in that sense, really. Don't you think?

I did say I talk complete nonsense sometimes.

But yeah, I do like the colours of the sky that time. Plus, at that time, the blinding quality of the light is such that the kids won't see me when I do fling myself off. Got a bit of a bollocking when I almost traumatised some of the gremlins, apparently. I guess I can see why it's a bit of a shocker, but come on, if you wanna underline why immortality isn't as pretty, I'm kind of the poster child for that.

No, that's unfair, we all are, in different ways.

I mean, some of us are doing a better job of looking like we're all just fine and dandy, and I can't say that I don't enjoy time with all of you. We're all each other's hearts, in different ways, and not just because of how tightly we are tied to each other's fates and all that….I love you all, even though that makes me such a sa-what was that?

Oh, yeah, that's a point.

Look, I don't like a big fuss being made or anything like that. I don't really like all the softly-softly fuss, oh there-there crap like you do with Snow. I mean, do it with Snow, she needs it and I know it. But not me. And there's no sense having a nice little 'chat' about it, either. Any kind of fussing about it, it just sets me further on edge. Those brambles just get sharper too. So, like, yeah, I jump off a building sometimes. It doesn't hurt beyond bruises and maybe like a scraped knee, and I am making sure that I'm out of sight of the kiddos. So why go over it and over it when you know it'll be the same? It's rich of me to say that I know, when I've just said I have the same stupidity. But yeah, it's not something I like to go on and on about.

Oh yeah, I have been, haven't I? And it hasn't been too bad, either. Not as bad as I thought it'd be. Clever, aren't you, Shippa? Still, I guess this is different since you'll just be putting those sheets away somewhere, for these records of yours-you won't be gossiping or anything. Speaking of which, do you think you have enough for now, Shippy-boy? I think I'm done.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm not going to the roof now. Too early for one thing. Besides, I think the brambles have decided to retreat, a little. So I think I'll be okay for now. It won't last, but yeah. I'm alright for now.

Thanks for that, I guess. I'll catch you later.

The trigger warning applies to suicidal ideation and attempts/behaviour and a more general depiction of mental health issues throughout.

A note: the nine days and nine nights Nyamai is referring to is basically the story of the Norse god Odin and how he gained his knowledge of the runes. In the Kawaakari universe, though Akari and Kagami were of course the main goddesses who shaped the world as it is now, I'm imagining there to be various other deities known as Lesser Gods, who were also looked to for guidance. They're not as remembered in the current age, but they're still known. So here, Odin is a more diminished but still feared and respected being-a Lesser God, primarily worshipped in the north, along with others that we'd recognise as other Norse gods in our world.