Chapter Nine: You're Not the Only Insecure One
Hey, guys! I read some of your reviews from the last chapter. All of my stories are unbeta'd so that's why I missed that I repeated some of the parts. I copy and paste from different writing software. If anyone would know where I could find a beta reader, I would be so appreciative. I am SO, SO sorry about that. My brain was just fried from midterms, and I made a fairly large oopsie. This is something I do in my spare time, remember. But all that reviewed were so kind and gentle (my special blueberry friend (: ). My softie heart appreciated that.
So I swear that I am trying to get back into the swing of posting regularly, not that I was ever amazing at it in the first place, y'know. I know that some of you were worried about Stefan and Caroline's friendship. I won't be getting rid of that because they had one of the most hilarious m/f friendship dynamics on this whole show. Not gonna lie.
Caroline isn't going to change overnight. I want to create a believable arc even though she has the new support system with Sabrina and the Weinburgs. But she is definitely still baby Caroline in the fact that she needs the constant approval of her friends. It is a process of becoming your own person. I'm still learning, Sabrina's still learning, and Caroline is learning in her own Caroline way. Lol, so don't come for me when it takes a hot second.
Also, I thought that we deserved at least one chapter from Caroline's perspective so that is what I have here. Also, baby Caroline and baby Matt were too pure for this world, and they def deserved their own chapter.
Songs for this chapter:
"You" by Greta Isaac
"needy" by Ariana Grande
"Love Made Me Do It" by Ellise
"Stand By Me" by Florence + the Machine
-O-
Caroline trudged back into her own house as the sun descended. She thought the sun would never go back down. Any reserve energy she thought she had fizzled out hours previous. Explaining and re-explaining the ins-and-outs of Mystic Falls' new supernatural social circles wore her down more than her most complicated cheer routine.
No, Katherine is not Elena. No, Elena doesn't act like her five-hundred-year-old evil twin, at least not often. No, I'm not going to snap and kill someone. Yes, Damon has always been this much of a dick. No, if anyone is going to kill him, it's going to be me.
She stopped herself short of giving that last answer. No... she couldn't be capable of that.
Sabrina's disbelief and frustration radiated off her during that discussion.
Caroline's face drew down, weary lines ingraining into an ageless face. She threw her keys down onto the entryway table.
She gave every detail she knew or could remember, but it wasn't enough. Not enough to make a difference anyway. She didn't know the reason why the doppelgängers existed. She didn't know why the supernatural seemed to revolve around them. She didn't know why, but she wasn't surprised either. The world had always revolved around Elena. She learned that years ago when she fell from the playground swings, spraining her ankle, but Elena received all the attention when a bee stung her in the next moment. Elena's whims and beauty came from a long-extinct mother goddess who decided the Petrova doppelgängers would possess no flaws.
The 'should have's and 'could have's suffocated her. Should have paid more attention. Should have stopped hanging around with Damon, letting him use her how he pleased. Could have told someone what was happening. Could have fought off Katherine. Sabrina told her she should never think like that, that none of what happened was her fault or preventable. But how could she not?
"Mom!" She called, her voice shrilly echoing in a way that left Caroline wishing she hadn't spoken at all. She kicked off her shoes. "Sabrina wants me to stay with her tonight! I told you she was coming home early, didn't I? Are you home?"
She turned her head, moving her hair away from her ears. The refrigerator hummed in the kitchen while the A/C kicked on, blowing out cool air. Water dripped from the bathroom sink down the hall. No footsteps, no other heartbeat. She didn't know whether to be grateful or depressed that the house was empty.
Caroline saw a note in her mom's handwriting lying on the kitchen counter. She didn't stop as she walked past it down the hallway to her room. She already knew what it said,
'Working a double. Be back in time for dinner after school Monday. xx Mom.'
She grabbed her overnight bag from her closet, a gaudy paisley thing that she'd had since fourth grade, a last gift before her dad split. She tossed it onto her bed, moving around her room in a blur. She spent more time than necessary choosing four outfits for the next 36 hours, complete with coordinating makeup palettes, shoes, purses, and a variety of curling and straightening irons. She threw in two different types of perfume just in case. She moved her pillows back, revealing a purple journal with her name carved into the leather in elegant script. The writing was reminiscent of her grandmother's handwriting. Her hand hovered over the book labeled, 'Caroline's Songbook' before she rolled her eyes and scoffed. She hadn't written one damn song in three years. Why did she even consider that she could write one now? Useless hobby anyway.
She tossed the pillows back into place, fluffing and primping the wrinkles out. She swept imaginary creases out of her duvet next.
Caroline threw her overnight bag over one shoulder and her school bag over the other with little effort. She allowed herself to revel in her new strength for a moment. One good thing, she wouldn't need to worry about throwing her back out anymore.
She moved quickly, hoping her thoughts wouldn't catch up with her. Caroline's marathon packing took a pause when the picture on her dresser caught her eye. Middle-school-aged Elena, Bonnie, and Caroline stared back, smiling back with braces, glasses, and pre-teen acne.
The weight settling on her shoulders suddenly became unbearable, constricting and suffocating her. Elena was going to try and be her savior, swooping in with the aid of the equally majestic Salvatores. The nauseating sentiment made her skin crawl and feel the need to scrub her skin raw with bleach, to disinfect every penetrating and diseased touch.
The little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl in the photo smiled at her grandmother and an older cousin who both took pictures on separate cameras. She couldn't remember who had given her that copy of the picture. She looked at herself in the mirror. The stranger with bloodshot eyes didn't smile back.
She considered what could have happened if she hadn't called Sabrina— never mind whatever screwed up shit that happened to her cousin the night before. Part fish? Yeah, no thanks to that. Her worries before yesterday had consisted of how to get closer to Matt and how to pass the SATs without missing too many cheer practices. Matt seemed so far away now. She probably needed to call…
Bonnie's hatred of the Salvatore's suddenly made more sense. Just because she chose not to talk about noticing didn't mean she didn't notice. And Bonnie was not the most subtle person ever. Like she could judge about subtlety. Sheila's death created such a hole in Bonnie that Caroline didn't understand until that moment. She couldn't think about what Bonnie's reaction would be. Would she ostracize and abandon her? Blaming her for a death that wasn't her fault? She thought Bonnie would rather have let her roast in the sunlight than give help to one of the creatures that caused her Gram's death.
Would she have gone to the carnival to confront Damon? To avenge herself for the barrage of memories that emerged after she died? Probably. He would have staked the new baby vampire without a second thought. God, what about her mom? What lie would they have told her? Sorry, Sheriff Forbes, she tripped doing one of her new cheer routines. We tried to warn her. But you know how she could be sometimes.
She gasped for breath, clutching her chest. She bent at the waist. She would have died twice, lost another one of her best friends in the process. No matter how vain she sounded, she hated it when her mascara ran down her face. She held back the tears she wanted to shed.
She hoped Sabrina would be exhausted and asleep by the time she got to her house.
Her breaths grew faster than she could control. She stumbled on her rug, grabbing her overnight bag, running down the hall. She knocked over a picture of herself and her mom. She didn't bother picking it up off the floor.
Her fangs burned her gums. Hunger gnawed at her stomach. She couldn't do this… she needed!… she didn't know what she needed. She looked around her house. She did know that whatever she needed would never be found here. Her eyes burned while the sudden urge to run away consumed her.
A knock rapped against the door. She looked up, her eyes locking onto the door, a male silhouette highlighting around the frosted windows. She realized she was sitting against the wall. When had she done that? She pushed herself to her feet as a familiar voice said,
"Care? Caroline! I know you're in there," Matt said. She stopped. His voice softened. "Caroline, please. Open the door,"
How was she supposed to tell him?
She leaned against the other side of the door. She took a deep breath with closed eyes, centering herself, forcing fangs and dark veins to recede. She jerked the door open before she could talk herself out of hit, pasting on a cheery smile. He was starting back down the porch stairs. He turned, relief relaxing his features before his mouth twisted into irritation. She stopped herself from reaching for him.
Then that set her on edge. Her smile fell away. She frowned, her brow furrowing. "What are you doing here?"
Matt offered a crooked grin. "I came to see if today's basket case period has expired." He reached for her hand, entwining their fingers, but she didn't step outside.
He pulled her closer. She first flinched away from the setting sun's last rays. Golden streams cut across the white porch while a nice breeze blew between them. Her neighborhood was quiet— no cars or nosy neighbors asking about forming a neighborhood watch system. She wished she was in a frame of mind to find it romantic.
She tried pulling away, but Matt held her fast. With her other hand, she leaned against the doorframe. "You know," her words came out jumbled. "You should just go 'cause mom is gonna be home soon,"
His brow furrowed. "What? Look, no. You have been dodging me all day." He chuckled nervously, releasing her hand, rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, I'm more insecure than you are right now,"
Caroline regretted pulling her hand away. Caroline looked up from her shoes. "What do you mean?"
"It means that—," he tilted his head toward the ceiling. He shook himself from a heavier emotion. Caroline heard his heart thundering, and her mouth watered. He met her eyes, his own a little more watery than before. He covered it up in frustration. He said, "You almost died, Caroline. And it really freaked me out,"
Her stony facade crumbled into tender understanding, "Oh, Matt,"
He talked over her, "And it got me thinking, you know. 'Cause I'm not in a position where I can lose someone else right now." He shoved his hands in his pockets to stop them from moving. "I realized that, even though I wanted to throttle you today, I—…"
Caroline held her breath, tears burning the corners of her eyes.
"I think that I'm in love with you, and now it seems like you don't feel the same way." He finally met her eyes, seeing tears streaking down her face. His expression crumbled contritely. "Care, I didn't mean,"
She shook her head. She opened her mouth but couldn't force anything to come out. She grasped his face between her palms, her thumbs stroking over his cheeks. The sun flecked into his eyes separating deep blue from hazel. Suddenly, the sun no longer shone like a hateful brand against her skin but like a caressing warmth. She stepped fully outside the door, her arms pushing around his neck. Despite the sun, the hope in Matt's eyes reflected brighter and hotter than anything she'd seen, warming her down to her toes. She hadn't even realized that she had been cold before this.
Her mouth tipped into a smile, the pleasant burn edging away the worst of her hunger for a moment. But his pounding heart echoed in her ears until it was all she could hear. Her barefoot arched onto her tiptoes. She loved this boy, she thought as she pressed her lips against his. His arms wound around her waist, clutching her to him as he responded enthusiastically. Pulling back, she buried her face in his shoulder, in the crook of his neck, murmuring,
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I love you, stupid,"
He huffed a laugh. "I know,"
She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Caroline held him tighter as her eyes darkened, and her gums burned.