When Maya had calmed down, she looked exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
"Try to get some sleep, Bella. You need to rest, we will talk later.", Carina reassured her. Maya just nodded and sank back against the pillow. Truth to be told, the doctor felt like she needed to prepare for their talk- not for the part of eventually getting to the root of Maya's issues but for the practical plan going forward.
Maya would need therapy and a nutritionist. They had yet to figure out how bad Maya's problems were. Could she recover with just some out-patient treatment or was she already past this point, caught up in an ever tightening downwards spiral that was hard to stop?
As a doctor, Carina knew all too well where this could lead to; being fed through a feeding tube, having to stay in bed at all times and not being allowed to move. The thought of imaging Maya in that situation was mortifying; Maya was generally a restless person, hopefully things would never get that far.
Though Carina was tired due to barely sleeping the night before, she was too anxious to close her eyes and rest. Her mind was in overdrive, throwing around statistics and facts about anorexia; 10 % of patients die, there is a heightened for co-morbid mental disorders such as anxiety and depression...
Then the door to Maya's room opened and a nurse carried in a tray with her breakfast, Maya woke up from commotion. Carina watched her girlfriend who anxiously eyed the nurse after mumbling a 'thanks'. What was she supposed to do in this situation? They hadn't talked about it yet, nor had they figured out a plan.
The uneasy silence emerged again while maya eyed the food as if it was something dangerous that was about to attack her: There were two slices of bread with some butter and cheese, in addition to a glass of orange juice.
To Carina's surprise Maya grabbed the knife and attempted to put the butter on one of the slices - attempting being the key word; she could only use her left arm. She dropped the knife; the butter barely spread at all and took three slices of the cheese and put them on the bread frantically.
Tears were threatening to fall as she took the food and raised it to her mouth, her hand shaking.
"Maya... Maya, no. Stop.", Maya's eyes met Carina at last who had gotten up, grabbed her worst gently and took the slice of bread out of her hand and put it back down on the plate.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted all of this to stop, I just want to be normal for once. I wanted to prove that I could snap out of this. I...", Maya let out a shaky breath and looked away.
"Bella, look at me please.", Carina gently turned her head to face her, "there is no easy fix for something like this. It's called an eating disorder for a reason, it's a mental illness. You don't have to prove anything to me. The most important thing is that you talk to me, that you try to be honest with me and that you tell me if something is hard for you."
Maya nodded, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment when she thought of what she had just done as pathetic.
"And there is no reason to be embarrassed either, Maya.", almost as if reading her mind.
"Do you think you could tell me what is hard about this food?", she asked pointing to the tray.
Maya took a deep breath while Carina took her hand and reassuringly rubbed it: "it's just the cheese... and the butter and the bread..."
"Okay.", Carina stopped her, realising that she was not going to get Maya to eat any of this,
"How about I get you something else instead? What would work better for you right now, Bambina?"
Maya thought about that a couple of seconds and then asked hesitantly: "Maybe some fruit?", avoiding Carina's gaze.
"Do you think fruit with yoghurt would work for you?", Carina prodded, not wanting to overwhelm Maya but still trying to get something nutritious into her body. She didn't know when she had last had a proper meal. Maya nodded.
"Okay, I'll be right back.", Carina said while getting up.
When the door closed Maya immediately started tearing up again and her thoughts spiralled:
"Why am I so dumb? I'm so privileged and I still ruined everything because I wasn't strong enough. Why can't I be a normal person for once? Why can't I do one of the most basic human things, eating? It's completely irrational. Why can't I just snap out of it? I don't deserve this much attention from everyone."
Before she could put herself down even more, Carina returned with two bowls of yoghurt with cut up apples and grapes. She handed Maya one of the bowls and to her surprise Carina didn't observe her behaviour but instead took her phone out and started a playlist with the Italian music they both listened to.
She then started eating only now realising how hungry she was. Maya watched her warily before slowly starting to eat herself. She felt immensely relieved that Carina wasn't putting much pressure and attention on her and the situation but was trying to make it as normal as possible, even having gotten herself yoghurt as well. Carina didn't start a conversation but still tried to not Maya see how anxious she was for Maya to eat.
She ate slowly and had started by picking out the fruit at first but then eventually ate a couple of spoons of yoghurt as well. Carina had already finished eating when Maya met Carina's eyes with a pained expression.
"You okay Bambina?"
"I, I don't think that I can eat more than this. I'm sorry."
"That's okay. You ate something and I'm glad that you told me.", Carina said, taking the bowl from Maya and put it away; about half of the yoghurt was still left.
This was going to be a long way.