Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:

No Answers by Amber Run

Need You by xKore ft. Zoe & Naomi

Resistance by Colossal Trailer Music

Going in Blind by POD

Face Everything and Rise by Papa Roach

Beyond by Ghostwriter

Out of Control by Oshins

2020

Heathrow Airport Base/The Beach

Reset 190

They were not getting anywhere. Luke had tried all different ways to leave that farmhouse, but Rita died every single time. He grew frustrated, not wanting to admit how much this hurt. Losing her was like getting stabbed repeatedly over and over again in the chest. This was why he'd tried to detach from her in the beginning after discovering how much he cared about her. He hadn't wanted to feel such pain when he lost her. Clearly, he'd failed, and he'd been suffering from the pain of losing her for a long time. Losing her to death every day, though, was a harder blow each and every single time.

"What's with you?" Rita asked the night before they were flying out to the beach. They were done working on the moves she had to do in order to survive. He was surprised she was hanging around.

"I'm sure you already know."

"Enlighten me anyway."

"I don't want to talk about it," he said gruffly. Hearing her tell him that losing her was part of war was not going to help him feel better.

"Did I sleep with you and then never call you again?" she asked, teasing.

"Ha, ha," he said sarcastically, not looking at her.

"Have we?" she asked next.

"Have we what?"

"Slept together since this started?"

"A few times," he answered, finally meeting her eyes. It had been a long time since they had. He never knew what happened in a reset that would make her come onto him one time and hit him the next. It was easier to leave it up to her discretion and not make an attempt, but he missed her. A lot.

"How recent?"

"31 resets ago."

Rita was looking thoughtful almost. They were sitting side by side on the floor of the training arena. It was late. No one else was awake.

"Do you remember the first time?" she asked, surprising him.

"Vividly."

"I was so nervous," she said.

"I think I was more nervous," he countered.

"Because of what happened to me, right?"

"Yea," he confirmed, looking at her finally. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"You were incredibly gentle, and I felt very loved," she said, making him feel shivers as he thought about it. She rested her chin on her hand as she looked at him, her elbow resting on her knee.

"I loved you more than anything," Luke said. "I wanted to convey that to you in every way possible."

"Well, you succeeded."

He looked at her, and he couldn't help but relive it again in his mind. It was one of his favorite memories. He knew she was thinking about it, too, since her face flushed slightly and she looked away.

"Thanks to you, I did talk to a counsellor again at the high school about what happened to me, so it helped," she said after a moment.

"Yea? You never said."

"I kept a lot of things to myself regarding that."

"I know. You still do."

Rita nodded slowly, sucking her teeth. Then she leaned back on the palms of her hands, staring at the ceiling. Luke watched her.

"I think about Dad a lot," she said softly.

"So do I."

"You remember when Hank stole his hat?" she asked, snickering a little.

"Right off his head," Luke chuckled.

"He chased him around for almost twenty minutes," Rita said, laughing still. "I don't think he got it back, did he?"

"No. Hank shredded it."

"What a character," Rita sighed, shaking her head.

"Your dad's face when he missed the second last step on the stairs," Luke went on, recalling a different memory. "I remember him trying to grab at the air as he went down."

"Oh my God," Rita said, "the time he accidentally set his own shirt sleeve on fire and ran out into the snow?!"

"Ha, yea," Luke snorted. "That was an epic swan dive."

"He made everything better," Rita said quietly. "I wish I knew more about him than he told me, though."

"I think he wanted you to associate him only with the new person he'd become, not the person he used to be," Luke reasoned. "He was hesitant to train me as it was, and he didn't connect me with Dennis until I was older. Even then, I had the final call if I wanted to do it." He thought about what had finally made him decide to go down the road of being an assassin after being conflicted for a while. It made his stomach clench and his heart hurt.

"You know, I always suspected you were training for something a bit more intense than just the military," Rita went on. "I just never thought assassin."

"I'll be honest and say I expected you to cut and run from our relationship after you found out," he said.

"Maybe I should have," she murmured.

"It would have given me a better idea as to why you left," he replied. "Rather than you leaving with no explanation a few years later."

"You know why I-..." she started.

"No," he cut her off abruptly. "I don't know why you left. You seem to think I do, but I don't. You won't tell me, so I'm left guessing, and my guesses are driving me crazy. I give up trying to ask you since you're so firm on not telling me. I have to be fine with never knowing."

"Sometimes in life you don't get answers," she said, looking at him seriously. He scoffed and shook his head. Then he got to his feet. She wasn't long going after him and pulling him into her. He was and wasn't surprised when she kissed him.

"What're you doing?" he asked when she took a breath.

"I don't know," she answered. "I won't remember it anyway."

"Oh, that's nice." His tone was sarcastic. He went to pull away when she gripped him tighter. He saw her face change to be the way he used to see it: soft and vulnerable.

"I missed you," she confessed, her voice suddenly emotional. "Every day. I regretted my leaving, but I couldn't come back."

"Why not?"

"I just couldn't," she said. "Not after being away for so long. I knew it was too late."

"But you did," he reminded her. "11 years ago. I saw you."

"You did?"

"Yes."

She hung her head and looked away. He put his finger under her chin to pull it back. They'd already had this conversation a few times, so he just decided to move on from it.

"It never would have been too late," he told her. "You could have always come back home, Rita."

"You're just saying that..."

"I'm not," he insisted. He held her gaze intently, and she bit her lip.

"Well, I'm here now," she said quietly.

"Are you?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered. She slid her fingers along his jaw, running her thumb across his lips and eliciting shivers throughout his body. He closed his eyes as she tentatively caught his mouth with hers. She pulled back slightly, and he looked to see her watching him carefully, waiting for his response. In one swift motion, he had her up in his arms with her legs around his waist before sitting on the floor and taking her with him. Her chest crashed against his from the momentum as she gasped, and he put his right hand on her upper back to steady her. She gripped his shoulders as she looked at him. For a moment, neither of them did or said anything as he ran his right hand up and down her back slowly. Rita pressed her face against his, breathing shakily as he slid his fingers onto her skin. Then she was kissing him hard, and he was holding her tight against him. He let her kiss him again, and again, and again. He let her push her hands up his chest under his shirt. He let her move his hands where she wanted them. He let her eventually push him down onto his back. He let her do whatever she wanted.

He just never wanted this moment to end.

Reset 193

He'd said something to set her off, and now they were sparring with each other. Luke blocked her blows easily enough, rolling her off of him whenever she came at him. She was getting frustrated, and he had to resist smirking.

"We spent hours doing this," he reminded her. "You should know how to beat me by now." She said nothing as she came at him again. He caught her one arm, but her other elbow smashed into his face. He grunted and was stunned slightly. She twisted and shoved him down. He fell, but he took her with him. She yelped as she landed on him in a heap. He beat her to a headlock, and she was trying to elbow him in the ribs to get him to let her go. She gave up and bit his arm, making him shout and laugh at the same time, but he released her.

"I didn't teach you to fight dirty," he panted as he wrapped his arms tight around her stomach to prevent her from getting up.

"Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do," she grunted back. She elbowed his ribs hard, twice. He could feel her frustration radiating off of her. Then she reached up and managed to slap him in the face.

"Argh," he grunted, and then she kicked his shin hard with the heel of her boot. He dodged her head coming at his face, but her nails dug into his arms with a vengeance. It made him loosen his grip enough to let her lift herself up and drop onto his stomach with all her weight. Winded, he wasn't able to hang onto her, and she rolled off of him and leaped to her feet.

"Come on, Teach," she mocked. "You can do better than that." He lay there breathing hard and feeling sore. He started to laugh a little after a moment.

"Oh man," he groaned. "You finally beat me, love." He watched her lower her fists, something going across her face at his words. He propped himself up on his elbows, watching her carefully.

"I actually never wanted to beat you," she said quietly. "Because that meant you had nothing left to teach me, and if there was nothing left to teach me, then there was no excuse to spend extra time with you." She met his eyes then.

"There's always something left to teach," he told her. "And I loved spending time with you regardless, so I would have found something else to do in order to hang out with you."

"Did my dad show you how to fight?" she asked, moving on.

"He taught me some things. My mother and Johnny taught me most of it beforehand."

"Oh."

Luke wanted to know what she was thinking, but she just sighed heavily and bent to collect her jacket to put on.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said, effectively ending their conversation.

"Good night," he said softly. She walked away without another word, and he sat there for a long time by himself after she was gone.

Reset 199

Same results. Rita died again. Luke was getting exhausted. He ended up taking a day to himself, just to get away from the pain of losing her over and over again. He went to find Mei, who was flustered upon being found out.

"I'm not mad," he promised when she started apologizing at top speed. "I just want to spend time with you. That's all."

"Oh. Okay."

They slipped away from the base and went to his favorite spot. She pulled her legs underneath her after sitting beside him on the rock. The wind was gentle around them. Luke looked at her after a moment. Rita usually asked to let her join them, and he'd always said no. He hadn't told Rita that with Mei, he felt like it had been the world's way of giving him another chance to save an innocent person before the unthinkable happened. He wouldn't let anything happen to Mei. Not on his watch.

"How did you know I was here?" Mei asked.

"Someone once told me that I was crazy but not so stupid," Luke answered, and she gave a soft laugh.

"You are still crazy," she reasoned.

"Of course."

"I'm an engineer, but I want to fight. Rita's training me."

"I don't like the idea of you fighting," Luke started.

"I want to fight, Luke," she interrupted. "I don't want to stay in the background anymore. I want to fight for this world."

He looked at her carefully, studying her.

"Why do you want to fight for it so much, Mei?" he asked, wanting to know. She looked down at her hands before looking back at him.

"Because it gave me you," she replied. "I wouldn't have even had a life if it weren't for you." Luke felt the emotion in his throat at this. He worked his jaw a little, thinking the words over.

"This is your way of paying it back," he noted.

"Yes," she whispered.

"You know I'm really proud of you, right?"

"I do now," she replied. He smiled and reached to pinch her cheek the way he would when he was being fond with her. She batted his hand away the way she always did, pretending to hate it but secretly loving the fact he cared about her.

"When this is all over, what are you going to do?" he asked.

"I want to be a paramedic," she answered, "but that's wishful thinking."

"Maybe not, Mei," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe not."

...

Rita looked up when Luke approached her. She frowned.

"What the bloody hell do you want?" she asked. It had taken her off guard, seeing him. She should have known their paths would eventually cross. She knew him after all. Suddenly, everything she ever wanted to say to him rose to the surface, taking her by surprise. She swallowed it down, though. She didn't think it would even matter anymore.

He said nothing as he walked up to her and took her shoulders in his hands. She didn't like him this close to her. It made her want to give in to that everlasting desire she still carried for him despite what had happened and all her efforts to stuff it down over the years.

"Stop," she whispered when he was too close to her face with his. He obeyed, but he ran his fingers along her cheek anyway, searching her eyes.

"Don't hold it in, Rita," he said quietly. "It'll destroy you if you hold it in." He pressed his hand against her cheek gently before pulling away and walking to the exit without looking back.

Rita stood there a bit shocked and confused. Then she felt her cheeks grow very wet.

Reset 203

Luke had no idea what happened. One minute he was patching her shoulder up and the next she had him pinned to the floor and was kissing him ferociously. Then, as if she realized what she was doing, she stopped and pushed herself up and off him, walking a few steps away.

"What just happened?" he asked.

"I have no idea," she answered, not offering to help him up. She grabbed the keys to the helicopter, and he struggled to get up and ran to catch her before she got into it.

"Don't," he said.

"Get in," she instructed, pulling herself in.

"Don't do it," he said, stronger this time. She looked at him.

"Why not?"

"It just...it doesn't end well. It never does."

"That's life," she shot back at him. "This is..."

"War, I know," he finished for her. "But I can't in good conscience let you do this knowing you're going to die."

"So bring me back," she said, shrugging.

"It's..."

"What?"

Not that easy. Breaking my heart. Torturing me. Making me wish I'd never come here. All these statements came to mind, but he couldn't vocalize them.

"That's what I thought," she said in response to his silence. She turned the engine, and he ran for cover.

Neither of them lasted long after that.

Reset 210

Luke was at the pub off base after sneaking off again, watching the people who didn't/couldn't sign up to fight drinking, talking, and laughing. The normalcy of it all made his heart ache. He drank his beer and tried to think about the time in his life where he felt okay. It had been a small blip, if he was honest. The time he spent with Rita was the best part of his life, and he got close to ten years of being in her life. He smiled as he recalled her approaching him and telling him she was going to be the best damn friend he'd ever have. He thought about other memories, the good and the bad. He thought about the night he came home from work to find her gone, how broken it had made him.

He saw the advertisement on the TV about the new mech suits that were going to help win the war. He recognized the man talking: William Cage. The man was now with K-Squad and was accused of deserting, and Luke had shown him how to turn off his safety almost every reset. He kind of felt bad for the guy, if he was honest. He could tell Cage had pretty much zero experience on a battleground. The ad ended with the close up image of Rita, and he smiled. Angel of Verdun. She'd always been his angel, though.

He finished his drink, left some bills on the table, and got up. He pulled his coat on as he walked outside into the rain. He stopped when he found her leaning against the outside wall with her arms crossed.

They stared at each other for a moment, his hands still on the top of his coat from where he was adjusting the collar.

"I thought maybe you were running away," she commented.

"Takes one to know one," he said back. It came out so fast he couldn't stop it. She flinched slightly but didn't acknowledge it.

"Why are you here?" she asked him.

"I wanted a drink."

"Not here," she said, annoyed. "Here. With the UDF."

"Just trying to save the world, darlin'," he answered, finishing adjusting his coat and beginning to walk away to the car he'd hotwired.

"That's not the answer, and you know it!" she called after him. He spun on his heel to face her.

"You got me, Rita. I just wanted to come over here to get slaughtered like an animal for the hell of it."

"Tell me the truth."

"You can't handle the truth."

"Luke!" She was impatient now. He ground his jaw, looking at her. She walked closer until she stopped in front of him. He could see it in her eyes: the hurt, the hesitancy, the questions.

The hope.

She had grown cold. She'd closed off a little to others after Lance had died, but this level of hardness was something different. He couldn't help but wonder if it had something to do with Travis Hendricks. He knew it certainly had something to do with whatever it was he'd said that made her leave, among other things.

"Why do you think, Rita?" he asked, and he saw her expression soften ever so slightly. Blink and you miss it.

"It doesn't matter what I think," she replied. "I'd be wrong." She walked past him, not looking back.

"Why are you here, Rita?" he called after her, causing her to slow her steps.

"I needed to do something about it," she answered. "Sitting at home wasn't an option." Luke looked at her hand, which was fidgeting with the pocket of her pants. Her jaw was also tight. He met her eyes again.

"It wasn't, huh?" he asked.

"Nope."

"You took it upon yourself to become a soldier."

"Yup."

Clipped, one word answers. He suppressed his smile. Did she forget that he could read her like a book? He let it go this time, and he knew anyway, so he didn't need to hear her say it. She was waiting for him to say something, so he decided to give her what she wanted to hear. It wasn't like it wasn't the truth.

"I came here looking for you," he told her. "So if that's what you were thinking, then you were right." She nodded slowly before turning to walk away again. He let her go.

It made him ache inside to know she wouldn't remember him telling her that, but he knew he'd tell her again. When this was all over, he'd tell her everything all over again.

...

Rita's heart pounded as she went back to base. Luke Wright had come to find her here. She'd suspected it when she saw him earlier that day, but then she'd dismissed that thought and told herself that he'd come because he was an assassin and never backed down from a fight. She hadn't seen him in years, but he still looked the same. The way he looked at her was still the same too.

She wondered if he had thought about her as often as she'd thought about him. It was crazy, really, because she'd been the one to walk out on their relationship, so she shouldn't have any right to wonder how he was feeling. She should already know.

She'd played their reunion in her mind over and over again over the years. She'd always pictured herself being cold and closed off or indifferent like she'd been tonight. She'd never thought she'd be left feeling vulnerable or feel a million different emotions afterwards.

She fell down onto her cot and turned her head to look at Hendricks's empty cot across from her. She remembered him telling her that she could go back and talk to Luke and find out the truth or at least learn if what he'd said was actually what it was...maybe even say sorry, that it might not be too late. He'd encouraged her to constantly.

She'd done the unthinkable and had allowed herself to get close to Travis in all those resets she'd lived. She'd let him into her life, and then she lost him. It had been the final straw, the final loss that set her over the edge. It made her vow to stick with her original plan of never letting anyone in ever again, like she'd vowed after leaving Luke, but having Luke back in her life made her feel everything she'd felt in the past. It was like driving on an old dirt road that led you back home. You didn't have to have your eyes open to know where you were going or how to get there.

She closed her eyes and did her best to stop thinking about it all. Tomorrow, she was fighting on the beach. Tomorrow, she was more than likely going to die. She'd never tell a soul, but it did scare her a little: death. She wondered if she would see her parents again. Or her aunt.

Suddenly feeling like she couldn't breathe, Rita sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, running her fingers back and forth on the chain around her neck. She worked to stop trembling. It was times like these where she missed having Luke next to her for reassurance. She also missed how he would sense her distress, wake up on his own, and reach to hold her close to try and comfort her. The olden days felt so out of reach.

She gave up trying to sleep and slid out of bed, padding to the washroom and splashing her face with cold water. She gripped the sink and stared at her reflection. She didn't look her age. A lot of people envied the fact she still appeared younger than she was. She didn't know what to tell them. She left and wandered around, trying not to disturb anyone. She knew she'd get hollered at for being out of bed at this hour, but quite frankly, she didn't care. If she was going to die tomorrow, she'd rather enjoy these last few moments of peace.

Rita found her rock occupied, and she felt a surge of surprise. It had stopped raining at least, but everything was soaked, and she could feel more coming in the air.

"I can leave," Luke said without looking at her.

"What're you doing here?" she asked, stopping next to him. He shifted over, and she hesitated before sitting down beside him. Their knees touched, which she didn't know if it was intentional or accidental. Neither of them moved regardless.

"Just thinking about life," he answered.

"Which part?"

"All of it."

Rita stayed quiet, sensing he was going to get deeper. She wasn't wrong.

"I keep thinking about my dad," he said quietly. "My real dad."

"What about him?"

"Just...what would my life have been like if he had gotten to raise me?" Luke turned to look at her in the darkness. "I might have been somebody entirely different."

"I think the same thing sometimes," Rita agreed. "With my mother, I mean. If she'd lived, what would have happened to me?"

"I guess you'll never know," Luke said. "But, one thing would be for sure."

"What's that?"

"We would never have met," he answered. Rita unexpectedly felt chills at this, and she had to catch her breath.

"You're right," she said softly. "We wouldn't have."

"Would that have been for the best?" He was still looking at her, and Rita felt the question settle on her heart. Would it have been? She played with her fingers. They had just about 10 years in each other's lives from the day he came to live with her and her father and 17 apart after she'd left him. Were the 10 together worth the 17 of pain?

"I think," she said slowly, "that we would have found each other eventually. I think that if you're meant to be with someone, you're going to be with them one way or another." She knew it wasn't fully answering his question, but she was trying to tell him that she had no regrets.

"I agree, but...you're deflecting," he said on cue, and she resisted huffing. He always noticed when she deflected.

"Alright, alright," she said, twisting to fully face him now. "No, Luke, it would not have been for the best."

"Hmm," he said. "Happiness for me."

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry. It's just something Mei says all the time."

Rita felt a little caught off guard but not really. She'd known Mei had a friend named Luke because the girl kept talking about him and wanted her to meet him. In her heart of hearts, she'd known that friend was Luke Wright. It was just too coincidental.

"Just because I left didn't mean I stopped loving you," she said now, realizing how much she wanted that off her chest. She wanted him to know, but maybe he already did.

"Why did you leave?" he asked.

"You hurt me."

"How?"

Rita felt herself growing a bit angry again. How could he not know?! He'd said the words, and she'd heard them. They'd been enough to cut her to the core and feel so broken inside. It was too bad her heart couldn't let go of the version of himself that she'd fallen in love with, that it couldn't stop loving him even now. It kept trying to tell her that what she'd heard was somehow a mistake even though it was impossible.

"If you don't know, then I can't help you," she said, moving to stand up.

"Come on, Rita," Luke said, exasperated. "I have been trying to figure out why you left for so long and haven't got a damn clue! Just tell me!"

"Goodbye, Luke," Rita said, walking away. She heard him growl in frustration behind her.

"See you tomorrow, then," he called after her. "I'll try again." She stopped and turned, feeling confused.

"What?" she asked.

"I'll ask you every single bloody day if I have to until you finally break down and tell me why you left," Luke promised, pulling out a pistol from his back pocket.

"Wait," Rita said, catching on. "Hang on. Do you-...?"

But he already pulled the trigger.

Reset 211

Luke jerked awake. He blinked slowly and breathed. He was growing weary, but he had to keep going. He couldn't give up now, not when they were getting so close.

All he had to do was figure out how to keep Rita alive and go beyond the farmhouse.