I think, dear readers, you are going to like the first half of this chapter the best (this chapter and one other are my favorites in this story). The following will answer some (but not all) of those questions you have. I didn't want to dwell on the depression too much, and I'll be revisiting it in Part II anyway along with lots of fluffiness. The angst is not over yet, though. Good times plus angst seem to be the theme in my stories...I can't help it lol. If you're interested, I started a new story called Family Matters (crossover of Expendables and Devil Wears Prada), which will eventually get fluffy and cute but starts off angsty and sad. I love my Bluntham pairings haha. I so wish they'd do a movie together (aside from Gnomeo & Juliet), though. Honestly, it'd be epic.
Also, I always love when I find the perfect songs to go with my chapters. I hope you guys discovered some new music from my lists along the way :)
Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:
Not Giving In by Tom Walker
I Found by Amber Run
I'm With You by Avril Lavigne
So Far by Olafur Arnolds ft. Arnor Dan
Let Me Love You by DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber
Dare to Love Me by Avril Lavigne
Bring Me to Life by Evanescence
Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down
The Way That I Am by Tove Lo
I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfeld
Speechless by Rachel Platten
Tell Me Now What You See by Moya Brennan
1998
Montana, U.S.
Rita went through the motions after Willow died and after the tragedy of Keira dying. It had shaken her to the core that something like that could happen in this town. She felt so bad for Lucy, who barely went anywhere anymore. Kenny spent a lot of time with her to try and help, but she knew he was still angry about what happened. She could tell both her father and Luke had been greatly bothered by it as well. She knew they were also worried about her, but she didn't care. Let them whisper to each other in corners of the house; it didn't bother her. She went to school, did her homework, went to work, did the chores, and shut herself up in her room when she wasn't doing either of those things. She wasn't friends with Bridget anymore since their falling out, and Bridget had moved on from it quickly, so she was alone. Devon was dating someone new, so he wasn't making snide comments to her anymore. She also figured maybe he stopped because he knew how much losing Willow and Keira had shattered her, and who could be an asshole to someone who was grieving? She knew Devon was a dick, but he wasn't completely a heartless one. Thank God Trevor had been expelled and wasn't there to harass her anymore. She wasn't so sure he'd have stopped bullying her because, in her mind, he was heartless.
She felt like life was pointless. If you couldn't be with the one you loved, and the ones you did have and love were taken away from you, then what was the point? Regardless of the fact Willow was aging and would have died eventually, she felt ripped off from having more time with her. She felt even more ripped off from losing Keira, whose life was just getting started. She felt extremely ripped off for never getting to meet her mother. It wasn't fair.
Two months after Keira's death, Luke started going away for days at a time, and she didn't care to know why. Her father claimed he was doing a job that involved driving. Rita had a feeling that wasn't the case. Why would Luke have spent so much time training for the military to just end up driving? She knew her father didn't know how much Rita knew Luke did for training, and she wasn't about to tell him. She also knew Luke had become a bit withdrawn and angry after getting mugged. He had stopped trying to make her talk as much, but he hadn't given up altogether. Sometimes he'd just sit with her quietly as she did her homework.
With Luke gone, she felt a hole inside that was gaping. Even though she'd isolated herself from him a lot after Keira's funeral, having him physically not there was harder than she thought.
She felt tears coming as she pushed another book on the shelf in its right place. She missed him. She missed her mother despite never knowing her. She missed Carol. She missed Keira. She missed Willow. She hadn't really smiled in months. Every time she tried, she felt guilty. She turned 18 and didn't care. She was a month away from graduating and didn't care. She was supposed to be thinking about college or university, but she just couldn't bring herself to care. She was numb to everything right now.
To top it off, her car wasn't working, so she was relying on her father to pick her up from work. He'd be there in a few minutes. She was just finishing unloading the cart before ending her shift.
Footsteps approaching made her turn her head to see Luke, and her heart jumped like always upon the sight of him.
"Hey," he said.
"You're back," she replied, unable to hide the relief in her voice. Despite trying not to think it, she couldn't stop. He was her Luke. She'd always think of him as that.
"Yea. Your dad is working late, so I offered to pick you up."
"Okay."
"He said your car should be ready by tomorrow. He got the part he'd been waiting for and is installing it now."
"Okay."
He said nothing else, his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. He seemed older somehow, and she wondered what happened when he was away. Rita finished and pulled her cart to where they sat waiting to be filled up again. She noticed a book on the ground on her walk to the staff room and went to pick it up and put it away. Luke followed her to the back of the library where she knew it was from.
"Rita, I'm worried about you," he said as she slid the book into place. She turned her head to look at him.
"Why?"
"You're just not you," he answered. "You're like a ghost walking around, and...and I don't know what to do."
"What is there to do?" she asked.
"You tell me."
"There's nothing," she said to him. "There is nothing you can do."
"There has to be something," he insisted, stepping closer to her. "Something other than letting you sleep next to me at night. Don't think I didn't know." She shouldn't have been surprised that he knew. She'd only done it four times in the last few months, and each time he'd never let on he was awake. She didn't even know why she'd done it. She guessed she just didn't want to be alone. She'd never held him. She'd just tucked against his back and breathed him in, careful to leave in the morning before anyone else was awake. Not that she slept well anymore anyway.
"There's nothing," she repeated, looking at him. "I'm dead inside, Luke. I'm numb to everything. I'm broken. I don't care anymore."
"Now you're scaring me," he said.
"What's the point?" she asked, her voice rising a little. She knew she wasn't bothering anyone. It was near closing time. The only other person there at this time was the new kid, and he was busy doing his own thing to care. It was up to her to close up, which was an added trust and responsibility her boss had given her in the last while.
"The point is life," Luke said. "You gotta live life, Rita. I said it before and I'll say it again: anyone you've lost would tell you the same thing. You know that."
"Why? Just to keep getting kicked in the head? No thanks," she said, moving to go past him. He grabbed her arms and held her firm. She tried the maneuver he'd taught her for escaping, but he still managed to hang on to her.
"Life knocks you down, yes," he said, "but it also brings you back up. You gotta keep fighting for the moments where you get brought back up. Don't let it keep you down in the dirt, Rita. You're stronger than that."
"Am I?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.
"You are," he said fiercely.
"Then why am I trapped feeling this way?"
"You just need some help, that's all."
"I'm not doing therapy again."
"Fine, but at least talk to me," he insisted. "Please?"
"You're the hardest person to be around," she answered. "And before you claim you don't know why, save your breath. You'd be lying." She went to pull away again when he pushed her against the shelves firmly to hold her still.
"Do you need me to tell you how hard it is to be around you too?" he asked, his face in front of hers. She felt her heart rate quicken as his breath touched her skin. "Do you need me to tell you that I can't stop thinking about you? That I break inside when you're hurt because I can't help you or you won't let me help you? That I can't imagine my life without you? That you're everything to me?"
"You told me we couldn't do this," she said, reminding him.
"I recall. Vividly," he said. "And I regret saying it every day because we've never been the same since."
"What was the point of being close to you if it wasn't going anywhere?" she asked.
"Because I thought we were friends," he said. "Or was that a lie?"
"I can't be friends with you when all I want to do is..." she stopped abruptly.
"What?" he asked. "Do what?"
"Nothing," she answered. "Please, just let me go." His touch was doing something to her inside. It was making her feel alive again, and she didn't want to accept it because she knew there was no point. He couldn't be hers. Ever.
"I can't just get over you," he said, shaking his head. "And I know you're not over me, contrary to what you told me."
"You're gonna leave soon anyway. I'm going to eventually go away to school. It's over, Luke. We won't see each other anymore. You have no obligation to come back," she finished, her voice breaking. That was another part of her depression, knowing that he was soon going to leave and never come back. She'd never see him again.
"I do have an obligation to come back," he said strongly.
"And what's that?" she asked, daring to feel hopeful.
"You," he answered. She studied his face, feeling the heat coming off of him even more. She let that sink in. Was he really telling her this? And then, right on time:
Please stay away from him.
Her father didn't want her to be with him. How could she go against that?
"Dad said..." she started.
"Screw that," Luke retorted, tossing his head slightly. "We're both legally adults now. We're not kids anymore. What is it you want, Rita? Cos I know what I want."
"What do you want?" she asked, trembling now. She was feeling something. For the first time in months, she was actually feeling something. A twinge of guilt followed for feeling anything other than sadness, though, but it was easier to push away this time. His hands on her arms, his face close to hers...it was all stirring life inside of her again. And as much as the guilty part of her didn't want it to happen, it felt good.
"You," he answered. "I want you, Rita. I've never wanted something so bad. I ache with wanting you. I lose sleep from thinking about you. I...I want to be with you." She looked at him, feeling a bit of shock at the intensity of his feelings. She hadn't realized they'd be so strong. She always figured they were just minor, unlike hers, if at all.
"Oh," she said.
"I meant what I said that day. My heart is taken, and it's taken by you. I'm crazy about you. I have been for so long. I just..." he trailed off.
"Just what?" she asked, feeling high anticipation now. Was this really happening? He breathed in and out almost shakily.
"I'm yours," he said simply. "If you want me." He was so close to her, and she tried to keep her brain from spinning at his words. She knew what her answer was, though.
"I want you," she whispered. His fingers were slowly going up and down her bare arms now, and she felt like she couldn't breathe.
"Then you have me," he told her. Something inside of her trembled. He was hers. She was his. This was happening.
"I was lying when I told you I was over it," she added. She saw the relief in his eyes and recognized his fear of rejection.
"I know," he murmured, reaching to tuck her hair back a little. She felt her knees start to grow weak, and her eyes searched his, waiting. This was real. This was really happening. Without a word, he moved in to kiss her. She inhaled sharply through her nose when his mouth caught hers, and he slid his hands to hold her face. She moved hers to grip his wrists, still taken aback. The sound of his lips separating from hers slowly gave her entire body shivers. She parted hers, trying to catch her breath through her mouth. He stood there inches from her face, waiting and also breathing through his mouth a bit raggedly. She looked into his eyes, trying to find the words to say. She was suddenly feeling a lot of emotions, more than just sadness and anger she'd been stuck in for so long. Love for him was at the very front of the line, ready to burst out of her.
"Luke?" she asked, her voice barely audible. She needed to make sure this was real.
"It's me," he answered. "I'm right here." She could feel his fingers trembling slightly against her cheek.
"Luke," she said again, reassured. She couldn't read his expression entirely, but there was love and care there. She loved that he was waiting for her to make the next move. He wasn't being presumptuous or pushy. She reached to grab the back of his head and pulled him in to kiss his mouth again. She used her other hand to clutch at his coat, gripping it tightly as if he might try to escape, as if this was a dream she was going to wake up from. He pushed her into the shelves again gently, pressing his body against hers as he slid a hand on her lower back and left his other one holding her face. She felt his stubble against her face, and his mouth was warm on hers.
She was kissing Luke Wright.
She'd never had a kiss like this before. He was slow, pulling at her lips just to catch them again and press into them. Then he'd take a moment to breathe, rubbing his lips against hers like a whisper before crashing them into hers again. For the first time in a long time, she felt alive. He'd done what she thought wasn't possible. He'd brought her back to life.
...
Luke was living the biggest fantasy he'd ever had. He'd spent his last trip away building himself up to do this, telling himself that he was no longer stuffing down his feelings and that regardless of her response, he was telling her how he felt. He was glad he hadn't chickened out. He was relieved that this was bringing his Rita back, that she wasn't going to be lost in that darkness forever.
At one point, he was gripping the shelves behind her to hold himself up, his arms on either side of her resting on her shoulders. She was still holding his jacket with both hands now, pulling him into her. He moved his hands to her waist after a moment, and his fingers touched the exposed skin from her shirt rising up. His slid his thumb a little higher along her lower ribs, and she put her hands on his wrists to stop him, breaking their kiss.
"I'm not that kind of girl," she whispered.
"I know. I'm sorry. I got carried away." He had no intention of taking it further than she wanted to go. He respected her too much for that. She let go of his wrists and rested her hands on his chest lightly. He cupped her face with his right hand and felt her swallow against it. He ran his thumb down her throat slowly, lightly.
"I see," she said, her voice wobbly.
"I won't do it again."
"I didn't say that. Just...don't go any further."
"I won't."
They stood there looking at each other without saying anything. Luke wasn't sure what to make of his thoughts and feelings right now.
"We shouldn't do this," she said as he kissed her cheek softly.
"I stand by my decision," he replied.
"I'm broken," she insisted.
"So am I."
"I'm leaving for school soon," she added.
"I know that too," he replied.
"I...I don't know what I'm doing," she admitted.
"Most of the time, none of us do," he said back. "Are you done with excuses?"
"Yes," she said, her voice barely a whisper. He moved slow, building the tension. He brushed his nose against hers softly before finding her lips with his again, gently pressing into them. Rita inhaled sharply, and her hand reached to slide up his left shoulder to grip it tightly. He pulled back slowly, lightly, before repeating. Her lips were slightly chapped, her mouth soft against his. He slid his hand from her waist to hold her lower back, pulling her tighter against him. Her other hand went to hold the back of his neck again, her fingers pressing and slightly scratching his skin.
He pulled back again, listening to her shaky breathing and feeling the exact same way inside. Her eyes opened, and he looked back at her. He didn't have any words to say to her.
"Wow," she said, and then she bit her lip and hung her head, giving it a shake.
"What?" he asked.
"What person says 'wow' after getting kissed?" she asked, sounding embarrassed. "I'm such an idio-" He stopped her midsentence with another kiss. He hated how hard she was on herself at times.
When they stopped again, he tilted her chin with his finger.
"You're saying wow," he told her. "I'm saying holy shit."
She gave a nervous sounding laugh before pressing her face against his shoulder. He moved her face gently so that she was looking at him again. He ran his fingers up and down her arms slowly.
"Luke," she said, her voice a bit strangled.
"I can stop," he offered.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "Not yet." He felt hot all over as she kissed him again, sliding her hands up his chest under the edges of his open coat to hold his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her once more, feeling her heart beating against his chest through his t-shirt. He dared to open his mouth a little as she kissed him, and he felt her reciprocate. He felt shivers as she groaned when he kissed her deeper, tentatively and not overwhelmingly, just exactly how he'd described it to her in the past. He moved his hands to find hers, interlocking their fingers as he pushed their hands against the shelf on either side of her head while he kept kissing her.
"Damn, dude," a voice said, and Luke pulled back quickly, letting Rita go. Rita was dazed and confused until she realized it was her coworker staring at them, his backpack over his shoulder.
"Good night, Seth," she said, her voice sounding off.
"Definitely for you," he chortled, and she blushed. He flicked his wrist in his farewell salute and walked away. They heard the door shut a moment later.
"I have to lock up," she said, turning her head back to look at Luke.
"Okay."
He couldn't help himself. He kissed her again, and he didn't know how long they stood there running their hands over each other's arms, shoulders, backs, and sides, breathing hard, and kissing each other.
"I...I really do have to lock up before someone walks in here," she said, catching her breath as he pressed his face against hers. He nodded reluctantly and stepped back from her.
...
Rita felt like a newborn deer as she stumbled around turning off lights and computers, her knees weak and rubbery. She'd kissed Luke. He'd kissed her first. He wanted her. This was really happening. And his French kiss was so, so much better than Devon's...
She found Luke waiting by the door when she was done.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yea." She'd barely been five minutes away from him, and she already couldn't stand it. He caught her in his arms as she pushed him against the wall, groaning in his throat as she kissed him again. His fingers dug into her waist the more she kissed him.
"Why didn't we do this years ago?" he asked during a pause.
"My dad," she reminded him.
"Right."
"We should go before he thinks something happened," she said.
"Alright."
She put on her coat, and he opened the door for her. The cooler air outside brought her back to her senses. It was a spring air, half cool and half warm. She shivered regardless, and not because of the coolness.
Luke reached to link his fingers through hers as he drove. She thought about what her father was going to say when he found out.
"This could be one of those things we add to the list of not telling your father about for now," he offered.
"Okay."
Was she crazy? She was 18. He was 21. They were both legally adults like he said. Was it still frowned upon? She didn't know. She didn't care. They'd spent their teen years together and knew each other like the back of their own hands. He was her best friend. She loved him. She didn't see herself with anyone else. She didn't want to be with anyone else.
It was like a fog had lifted inside of her. She could see again. She felt a renewed sense of purpose. It scared her how much she'd lost it, and she worried she'd lose it again, but she suddenly knew that Luke would be the one to guide her through, to bring her back. She just had to let him in, and from now on, she vowed she'd always let him in, no matter what.
They arrived home to find her car in the driveway fixed and Lance walking around outside carrying pails of animal feed. Some chickens were following him. The two goats they still had (Norbert and Rhonda) were following him as well, making him lift up the pails and scold them for trying to bang their heads into them. Hank was standing in the pen looking forlorn. He hadn't been the same since Willow died. Rita knew how he felt.
"Okay," Luke said, turning off the engine and looking at her. "I'm going to go out there and pretend like we're still just platonic friends."
"Good luck," she commented. He gave a scoff of laughter and pulled up her hand to press the back of it into his lips. She felt hot all over again.
"I'm the master of pretending," he told her. "I've been pretending for a long time."
"I couldn't tell," she said.
"Exactly." He smiled. Then he let go of her hand and pushed the car door open. Rita got out as well and waved at her father, who waved back. Norbert banged into his knees when he wasn't paying attention, and Rita heard him grunt in pain and scold him. She went inside and changed out of her work clothes. She was working on dinner when Luke came inside with Lance behind him. They were talking about Lance finally getting her car going.
"Good shift?" Lance asked her when he saw her.
"Yes," she answered.
"You seem a bit...lighter," he noted, surveying her. She felt nervous. Could he tell? He just smiled and reached to squeeze her shoulder. "I'm glad to see that. Maybe you're feeling a bit better, huh?"
"I am," she answered honestly. She had Luke to thank for that. He'd been trying for so long to help her feel better, and she now wished she hadn't made it so hard for him.
"Good." He gave her another squeeze before going to his room to change. She felt Luke come up behind her almost instantly.
"I can't stand it," he murmured into her ear, making her squirm inside. She twisted to look at him, and he kissed her. She let him for a moment until she put a hand on his chest and pushed him back.
"Pretend, remember?" she reminded him.
"It's incredibly difficult."
"Well, looks like summer is coming," Lance said, rounding the corner. Rita smacked Luke's hand hard.
"Ow!" he yelped.
"What did I tell you about stealing food while I'm prepping it?" she asked menacingly.
"You know she'll cut your fingers off," Lance joked, walking by. He was oblivious to the tension between Rita and Luke in that moment.
"I forgot," Luke said, shaking his hand lightly. He gave her a look that said he was going to deal with her later for that. She had to turn away to hide her flushed cheeks.
They managed to get through dinner and the evening without any problems. They'd bumped Copper one too many times under the table while resting a foot against the other's leg and vice versa. The dog grunted and groaned each time, making Lance frown and ask if Copper was sick. Luke reassured him the dog just had abandonment issues from him being gone so often and was vocalizing it. It wasn't a complete lie. Copper liked to vocalize his disgruntlement at Luke being away for a while after he returned.
Rita went to bed that night reliving that library kiss over and over in her head. She wondered if Luke was too.
...
Luke couldn't stop thinking about it. He still couldn't believe he'd actually been brave enough to do it. He'd spent the whole time away worrying that she would push him away and tell him she really had stopped caring about him, but she hadn't.
The memory of her kiss was making it that he couldn't sleep. When he heard the squeak of the floorboard outside his room, he knew she couldn't either. He slid out of bed and opened his door, catching her with her hand on the knob.
Without a word, he took her hand in his and pulled her into him, quietly closing the door behind her. Her lips were on his in an instant, and he tangled his fingers in her hair. She rested her hands on his chest over his heart, her fingers warm against his t-shirt. He held onto the back of her arms, running his thumbs up and down her inner arms just above her elbows.
"I forgot what that was like," she said, out of breath during a pause.
"Am I really that forgettable?" he teased, his voice low.
"Never," she answered, kissing him again. He fell backwards on his bed with her falling on top of him. He had no idea how long they spent in each other's arms kissing. After a while, she pulled back.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I'm sorry for not being fast."
"Don't be sorry. I know who you are," he added, running his fingers along her shoulder. "I respect what you want."
"I'm not sure why you'd want to be with someone like me," she admitted. "I mean, any other girl would be all over it."
"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I like that part of you?" he asked, looking into her eyes. "Not every guy wants to just fall in bed with the girl."
"So...you'll wait for me?"
"As long as it takes."
"That...that means a lot," she said.
"Don't feel like it's wrong to wait," he told her. "Ever. Understand?"
"Yes," she whispered.
"Good." They sat up slowly, and he regained his senses. He walked her to his door, and she paused next to it.
"Did you and Lisa...?" she trailed off.
"No," he answered.
"Oh," she said, a little surprised. "Why not?"
"You asked me not to."
"I...I did?"
"Yes. To be fair, you were pretty smashed, but I took your words to heart," he said, tucking her hair behind her ear gently.
"Oh my...I actually told you," she said, horrified suddenly. "I didn't dream that I did. I literally told you to not sleep with her..."
"You did," he confirmed. She pressed her hands over her eyes, moaning in embarrassment. He reached to take her hands in his. "Hey, don't do that."
"I can't believe I told you," she said, still moaning.
"The words needed to be said," he insisted. "I wasn't feeling it with her anyway." He hadn't really felt it with any girl that showed interest in him, if he was honest. It was partly because he'd been trained to keep people out and mostly because the only person he wanted to fully let in was Rita.
"I am mortified," she started, but he pulled her in and kissed her to stop her from talking further. He pressed his fingers against her jaw, sliding his thumb down her throat lightly. She groaned gently, and he forced himself to stop after a moment.
"I meant what I said," he told her. "You mean everything to me."
"I love you," she blurted out. Then she looked almost embarrassed and pressed a hand over her eyes again. "I'm sorry. That was way, way too soon..."
"No," he said, taking her hand down and holding it in his. "It's not. I've loved you for a long time, Rita. It's not too soon." He didn't tell her that she'd already told him that same night she'd begged him to not sleep with Lisa because he didn't want her to feel more embarrassed about it. He also didn't tell her that he'd told her he loved her while she had been unconscious in the hospital. Maybe one day.
"Okay," she said, sounding relieved. He smoothed his fingers across her cheek and moved to kiss her forehead.
"Sleep well."
"You too."
He moved in to kiss her one last time. He felt cold when they stopped and he let her go. He still couldn't fall asleep after, but now it was because he worried how soon Lance was going to murder him for loving his daughter.
A Week Later
Rita woke up thinking about Luke. It was something she did every morning since they'd confessed their love for each other, and it made her feel incredibly alive. It was and wasn't hard to keep it from her father, who hadn't picked up on it yet. Even when they'd gone out together, he didn't suspect because they'd gone out together many times before. He was just happy that Rita was feeling better and actually wanted to leave the house for something other than work or school.
She rolled onto her back, reliving the kiss from the night before they'd done in the barn. She heard him moving around in the kitchen and smiled. She got up and dressed before she walked out and found him standing and looking at the paper on the table, coffee mug in his hand.
"Hi," she said almost shyly. She suddenly remembered the feel of his mouth on hers. She felt her cheeks flushing a bit. He looked up at her and smiled.
"Hey," he said back. She moved to tuck herself against him, sliding her arms around his waist. He put his free hand around her back and kissed the side of her head softly as he ran his fingers up and down her spine.
"You want something to eat?" he asked.
"Not yet," she answered. "I gotta do chores first."
"Alright."
She pushed back from him slightly so that she could kiss him. It was only supposed to be a brief kiss but he turned it into longer, setting his mug down to give her his full attention. She very much enjoyed his fingers against her jaw and neck as he held her face.
"What the hell is this?" her father's voice demanded. Rita and Luke jumped apart, and she looked to see Lance standing there glowering at the two of them.
"Dad," she said stupidly. "What're you doing here?"
"I live here. Now what the hell is going on?" Lance asked, his voice almost menacing.
"I can explain..." Luke started.
"No, son, you cannot," Lance cut him off. "I had one rule. One simple rule."
"I know..."
"Dad, stop it," Rita ordered. Lance came closer, making Rita step back. Luke stood his ground. Lance stopped right in front of Luke's face.
"Get out," he said firmly.
"Dad!"
Luke stared back at Lance without flinching or responding.
"Are you deaf, boy? I said get out!" Lance shouted.
"No!" Rita cried, moving to step in between them now. "Dad, he's not going anywhere." Lance moved her back with force that surprised her, and then he moved to punch Luke in the face next.
"DAD!" Rita shrieked.
Lance hit Luke again, who stumbled backwards. He wasn't even fighting back. Lance grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him down hard, and he skidded across the floor. Rita felt anger towards her father in that moment. She ran and jumped onto his back to prevent him from hitting Luke again.
"Stop it!" she shouted. "Dad, stop it!"
Lance threw her off easily, and she hit the floor hard. She gasped, winded, and cried out when Lance bent to grab the scruff of Luke's shirt to hold him still while he punched him in the face again. Her father was breathing hard and cracking his knuckles as he dropped Luke onto his back and stood towering over him.
"I warned you," he said to Luke.
"You did," Luke agreed. There was blood coming out of his nose by this point, and he had a scraped cheek.
"Dad," Rita said again, and Lance finally looked at her. She was picking herself up off the floor and walking towards him. His face showed regret for throwing her off like that, but she didn't care.
"I'm handling this," he told her.
"You're not handling anything," Rita snapped. "I am a grown woman! I'm 18 years old! I can be with whoever I want to be with, and you are not allowed to beat them up!"
"It's okay, Rita," Luke tried.
"No, it's not," she cut him off, looking at him briefly before looking back at her father. "Dad, I know you've had this thing about keeping me safe, but I need to live my own life. You can't protect me from everything forever, and you're certainly not going to keep me away from the man I love."
"Love?" Lance scoffed. "Seriously?"
"Yea, Dad," Rita said angrily. "I love him. Get over it." She bent to help Luke up, but he waved her off, getting to his feet on his own. He wiped his face with the back of his arm.
"Luke and I had a deal," Lance said, his tone low and even. "He broke that deal, and he knows the consequences of it."
"What are you talking about?" Rita asked, looking back and forth between Luke and her father. "What deal?"
"He could stay here as long as he stayed away from you," Lance answered, still looking at Luke. Rita had a feeling there was something more to it, but she wasn't getting any answers from either of them.
"It's alright, Rita," Luke said to her.
"No, it isn't," she insisted. "Where are you even going to go?"
"He'll survive," Lance answered aggressively.
"Then I'm going with him," Rita said, jutting her chin out. Lance faced her again, a bit of surprise on his face.
"Absolutely not..."
"Like I said, I'm 18. I can make my own decisions about my life," she cut him off.
"Rita," Luke said softly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You're going to school. You've got your life here. I won't let you throw that all away for me."
"Did you think you could just secretly shag my daughter behind my back without me knowing?" Lance asked angrily.
"Dad!"
"No, sir," Luke said.
"How can you say that?!" Rita exclaimed, staring at her father. "I didn't...we haven't...we...we just kissed! That's all!"
"I can't even look at you right now," Lance scoffed, ignoring Rita and turning to leave. "When I come back down here, you better be gone."
"Yes, sir."
"No, Luke..." Rita tried, but he just shook his head and walked away to his room. She glared after her father, who was going back up the stairs. Then she ran after Luke. He was shoving things into a duffel bag quickly.
"Don't go," she begged, reaching to grab his hands.
"I have to," he said. "I'm sorry. I made this promise to your father, and I have to keep my end of it." He tugged his hands free and moved to pack again.
"But...how will I see you?" she asked, feeling anguish.
"I think maybe we should put this on hold for right now," he answered. She felt shocked. Then she felt angry.
"Are you saying you don't have feelings for me?" she demanded.
"Of course not," he answered, stopping what he was doing again and looking at her. "You don't get it, Rita. I pissed off your father big time. If there's any chance of him being okay with us, I gotta obey his wishes and give him time to cool off."
"Please don't leave me," she whispered, and he stopped and went over to her, gripping her face in his hands as he looked in her eyes.
"Rita, I'll never leave you," he said softly. "This is not goodbye forever. It's just temporary. I promise."
"He'll never be okay with it," she said sadly.
"Just give it some time. He's got fears too," Luke told her. Rita wondered what he meant, but she didn't ponder on them long before he kissed her gently and hugged her close. Then he picked up his bag and left. She followed him to the door and watched him toss his bag into the passenger seat of his car. He told Copper to stay since the dog was trying to go with him, which left the dog confused and upset as well. Rita was crying now, hating that he was leaving. He gave her a sad smile before getting into the driver's side and slamming the door shut after. She resisted running after him as he drove away, feeling her heart break as Copper howled from the abandonment. When he was gone, she went to find her father. She stormed to his room and went to blow open his door and scream at him when she paused, a noise startling her.
Sobs. She blinked. Her father was crying. She lowered her fist, feeling mixed emotions now. What was he crying about? A part of her wanted to burst in there anyway, but the other part told her to leave him alone. Luke's words slid through her mind again: He's got fears too. She wondered what that meant. She wondered if it was related to why he was crying.
She didn't really care to find out.
...
Lance stared at the wall, the skin tight around his eyes from crying. He didn't cry often, but the sight of his daughter's face when he sent Luke away had broken him inside. She'd been down for so long, and obviously it was Luke that snapped her out of it, who brought her back to herself, and he'd wrecked it. He hung his head, gripping the back of his neck tightly with his hand. He hadn't wanted Rita to fall in love with an assassin. He had wanted a better future for her. He couldn't exactly tell her that, though, since she had no idea.
He didn't know how long he sat on the edge of his bed staring at nothing. Eventually, he got up and went to get a glass of water. He didn't see Rita until he looked out the window and saw her brushing Hank. He could tell she'd been crying too. He sighed. He'd just felt such anger towards Luke for breaking his promise. He'd specifically told him to stay away from Rita, and the boy couldn't even follow that. He felt a little bad for punching the kid, but not entirely. He vaguely wondered where Luke would go, but he guessed the kid would figure it out.
Lance thought about Luke's future. He was working with Dennis. It had been a risk on Lance's part to set them up, but Dennis was confidential. He wouldn't say where he'd picked Luke up from. Luke was given some jobs, and Lance knew it was a matter of time before he left the farm and did his own thing.
Maybe he should feel grateful that he'd found out about Luke and Rita now rather than down the road when Luke lived on his own. He hated to admit that Luke was a good kid. Rita could do worse, but still...he hadn't wanted her tangled with this kind of life. He sighed. He didn't know anymore. He turned away from the window and disappeared into the depths of the house.
When he heard Rita come inside later, he listened to her bang around before coming up the stairs to stand in his doorway. He was sitting on the edge of his bed again.
"I can't believe you," she said angrily.
"I know what I'm doing," he insisted.
"No, you don't! You have no idea what you've done!"
"So tell me," Lance shot back at her. "What did I do? What is Luke to you?" He looked at his daughter, seeing so much of Rosie in her in this moment that it left him feeling slightly sucker punched.
"Life," Rita answered. "Luke is life to me. He helped me come out of the darkness, to be myself again. Without him, I am lost." Lance was quiet, so she went on. "I feel safe with him, Dad. I feel loved. I feel confident. I feel strong. I've been in love with him since the day he walked into our house. He gets me. He doesn't think I'm weird. He respects me. He is probably the only guy who would ever wait for me because I asked him to. Dad, Luke is my person. I need him in my life. Please, let him come back." She said nothing else and didn't even wait for him to say anything back before walking away. Lance sat there in silence, her words playing in his mind over and over again.
...
Luke had spent most of the day driving around. In the evening, he parked the car and exhaled shakily. He didn't know where else to go where a million questions wouldn't get asked (he loved Kenny and Lucy, but they liked to ask questions, and he didn't feel like explaining it to his acquaintances in town), so he'd driven around to the back of the farm's property. He needed to figure out his next steps. His emotions were all over the place. He'd been on a high from confirming his relationship with Rita and getting to live that fantasy for a week and then getting punched and kicked out of the house by Lance not long after. He hated to leave her, but he wanted to give Lance a chance to cool down because he knew he would. It was just a matter of time. He was glad he hadn't reminded Lance that there were actually two rules he'd been told to follow. He figured he didn't need to rile him up any further.
He stayed in his car all evening, going for a walk only once, and when night fell again, he moved to the back seat to sleep. It was uncomfortable, but he had to make do. He was starving, having only eaten the granola bars he'd stashed in there over the last few months. The half full water bottle was gone now. He fell asleep with hunger pain and an ache in his heart, knowing tomorrow he'd have to go get some food and water. He kicked himself for not thinking to get something when he'd been out earlier. He honestly hadn't been hungry at the time. When he finally did fall asleep, it was fitful and restless.
When morning came, pounding followed on the window. Luke sat up with a jolt, disoriented. He looked to see Lance standing outside the window. He swallowed, feeling fear again. He slowly rolled down the window.
"Lance, I'm sorry..."
"Get out," Lance ordered. Luke froze for a moment. Was Lance going to murder him out here? He couldn't read the man's expression.
"I..."
"Get out, Luke. Now," Lance ordered. Luke obeyed, standing next to his car and waiting for what Lance was going to do next. He breathed while Lance stared at him.
"I know I promised," he started.
"I listened to her cry all night," Lance interrupted. "But before that, she told me that you mean life to her. She told me that you're her person. She told me that without you, she is lost. She told me that you basically pulled her out of her depression. I have never seen so much of Rosie in my daughter than I did last night." Luke felt those words sink in, and he knew he felt the exact same way about her...she was his person; without her, he was lost. And yes, she also meant life to him.
"Sir, I..."
"Do you love her?" Lance cut him off. The question took him off guard. He'd been expecting something else.
"Yes," Luke answered immediately, strongly. "I have for a long time."
"She's not just a whim for you?"
"Absolutely not. She...she's my other half," Luke answered. "I don't feel whole without her. I need her in my life. She...she's everything to me."
"How are you going to explain to her who you are?" Lance asked. Luke hadn't thought about that, but he knew he'd have to tell her eventually.
"I'll figure out a way."
"You think she'll stay?"
"I don't know..."
"It takes a certain mindset to be with someone like us," Lance went on, boring his eyes into Luke's. "Rita's different. She has empathy. She loves with all her heart. You really think she'll stay with a killer?"
The anxiety was back because Luke had thought about this. It had been why he was hesitant to do this, but he'd tried so hard over the years to keep his distance from her, and every time he kept coming back to her because he felt so incomplete.
"I guess I'll find out," he said after a moment.
"Give it a bit," Lance said. "Cos I don't want to be outed just yet."
"Okay, but won't that make it worse when she finds out I've been lying to her?"
"Good point," Lance agreed. He rubbed his head. "Well, tell her you branched out into it after deciding not to be military."
"Alright."
"How's your face?" Lance asked, gesturing. It was throbbing a bit, but Luke didn't want to admit that.
"It's alright," he answered.
"I'm not sorry," Lance told him.
"I had it coming," Luke agreed. He'd broken the rule after all. He was lucky Lance hadn't shot him and buried him out back.
"Quit making it so hard to not like you," Lance retorted, turning to walk to his truck parked a few feet away and leaving Luke to stand there alone and feeling confused. He stopped after opening the driver's door and looked at Luke.
"You coming?" he asked. Luke felt relief inside as he nodded.
"Yea," he answered. "I'm coming."
...
Rita was walking out of the barn when Luke's car came back up the driveway. Heart in her throat, she raced over to him. She grabbed onto him hard when he got out.
"Hey," he said, holding her close.
"What happened?" she asked. "I thought you weren't coming back?"
"He changed his mind."
Rita turned her head to see her father walking from his truck to the house. She'd missed him coming up behind Luke. He said nothing, but his face showed that he'd accepted this relationship, that he'd heard what she'd told him last night. Rita felt relief that he'd listened because she'd meant every word. After he went inside, Rita kissed Luke hard. He held her arms, making a noise in his throat.
"Will you be okay when I go away to school?" she asked after. "I mean, I don't know when for sure. I might be too late for the fall now." He touched her face.
"I will be because I know you're coming back," he answered. "Let's not jump too far ahead, okay?"
"Okay."
They walked inside together, and Rita fell into the rhythm of making breakfast and laughing at something Luke joked about. Lance wasn't as jokey, but he wasn't angry either. Her father touched her shoulder at one point, giving her a look with a question, and she answered with her eyes as best as she could to tell him everything was going to be okay.
And she believed it.
Two Months Later
Rita missed Luke more than she wanted to admit. He was gone away again for a week, and his last phone call had been two days ago. Her father was helping Lucy fix her eaves trough, so Rita was home alone. She'd worked most of the day and got home to an empty house, which sometimes she enjoyed and other times made her feel lonely.
She walked into Luke's room, breathing in his scent. She curled up on his bed for a while, holding one of his hoodies in her arms to pretend it was him. Copper was on the foot of the bed, equally missing Luke as much if not more. She was staring at his desk when she noticed something hanging down at the back of it. Curious, she got up and knelt on the floor in front of it, reaching to tug it loose. A folder slid free, and she held it in her hands for a moment, wondering what it was. Unable to help herself, she opened it.
Her brain couldn't comprehend what she was seeing. There were photographs and notes in Luke's handwriting. Not much of it made sense, not even the fake I.D. with Luke's photo on it, but what Rita did understand was one word that was highlighted on the page:
Eliminated.
"What?" she said out loud, her hand starting to shake. What was this? Who was this? She turned the file in her hands as if that would give her an idea, but there was no name attached to it. The only thing in it was geographical coordinates. She suddenly dropped it as if burned, suddenly realizing what this meant.
Luke was a hit man.
It was the only explanation. Why else would this be here? Her mind was racing. Since when was he a hit man? Her breath was coming in short bursts now as she tried not to panic. She was with a killer. Luke was a killer.
Rita gripped her head tightly, starting to cry. Military her ass. He'd been training for this the whole time. She heard her father come home, and she suddenly realized that he was going to freak out when he discovered this. Then again, how could he not know? Her brain was clicking things into place. He'd been training Luke after all. She picked up the file and walked out to where Lance was tossing his keys on the table.
"Hey, luv," he said upon seeing her. She slapped the file down on the table hard, and he stared at it before her again. "What's that?"
"Did you know?" she asked, flipping it open. She watched his face carefully, and he was very good at not revealing anything, but she did notice his eyes slightly widen upon seeing the contents of the file. Blink and you missed it, but it was there.
"Know what? What is this?" Lance asked.
"You're lying," Rita noted.
"Where did you find this?"
"In Luke's room. Stop pretending you don't know anything about it!" she snapped, banging her hand on the table for effect. He flinched slightly.
"Alright," he said quietly. "You got me." He met her eyes again as she stared at him in horror.
"Who are you?" she whispered.
"I am not the person I was," Lance answered tiredly.
"That is the vaguest answer I've ever heard," she retorted.
"Sit down," he said, gesturing. She didn't, but he did anyway. He sat at the kitchen table and folded his hands in his lap as he leaned back in the chair.
"You're a killer?" she asked, her voice sounding broken.
"I worked for an agency a long time ago," Lance said. "26 years ago, to be exact. I haven't killed anyone in a very long time."
"You're a hit man," she clarified.
"Black ops assassin, but basically...yes," he agreed. "I was in the SAS for a bit before that, though."
"Oh my God," Rita said, pressing a hand to her mouth as her lips trembled.
"I want to make it very clear that the people I killed had it coming," Lance said firmly, resting his elbow on the table now as he leaned forward, pointing a finger in her direction. "I never killed anyone who was innocent. It was why I left."
"You were asked to?"
"Yes."
"Who...who did you kill?" she asked, struggling with even talking about this.
"Very bad people," Lance answered. "Drug dealers, arms dealers, human traffickers, war criminals, terrorists...you name it."
"And Luke? Is that why he suddenly showed up here? Did you train him?"
"He was 80% trained when he got here. I just finished it."
"He lied to me," Rita whimpered.
"Only because I told him to," Lance corrected. "Rita, luv, I didn't want you to know this about me. I wanted you to be safe from all of this."
It all made sense now. Luke's struggle with his identity at times. His moods at times. His training. His reluctance to train her. It was all because of this.
"He still lied to me," Rita said, her voice breaking.
"Rita," Lance said firmly, "Luke had no say in that. Trust me. I threatened him not to. Luke is not a liar."
"It doesn't feel that way."
"Rita..."
"I'm done with this. I can't be with someone like this," Rita went on, backing away from him now. "I don't know who to trust. I don't know what is real anymore..."
"Luke's love for you is very real," Lance said strongly as he stood and followed her. "You know how hard that is for me to realize that."
"So you're okay with me being with someone who kills people?" she challenged.
"No!" Lance exploded. "That's why I asked you to not fall for him! That's why I told him to stay the hell away from you!"
"So this is my own fault," she said, trying not to cry.
"That's not what I'm saying..."
"Maybe if I'd known the truth, I would have stayed far, far away from him," Rita told him, starting to feel angry again. "So it's your fault."
"Fine, it's my fault," Lance agreed a little sarcastically. "So what now? You're gonna break his heart because you can't handle what he does for work?"
"You're acting like it's because he's got a normal job!" Rita exclaimed. "That is not the case here!"
"You were fine with him joining the military," Lance pointed out. "He would have killed people there too."
"Because it's war!"
"This is a war!" Lance shouted at her. "Don't you get it, Rita?! These people, these...monsters...they're out there! They slaughter thousands of innocent people every day or worse! If they're not doing that, then they're providing the means to do it! You want those kinds of people to exist? You want those kinds of people to continue hurting others who don't deserve it?"
"It's not your say," Rita insisted. "On who deserves to die or not."
"You're right. That's why I worked for an agency. That's why Luke works for someone connected to an agency. They make the decisions."
"Who does? The CIA?"
"I can't answer that."
"So yes," she said logically.
"The point is that we do our job based on thorough research..."
"You just said your agency asked you to kill an innocent person! How do you know they're not framing these other people?!"
"Because I did my own research," Lance interrupted. "I trained Luke to as well. And his boss...he's better than my old one. He makes it a 100% certain for Luke but still allows him to check it out for himself."
"I can't...I don't want..." she tried. Lance grabbed the file from the table and sifted through it. He pulled out other photos that had been tucked in the back. He slapped them down one by one on the table for her to see. She stood frozen, not wanting to look.
"Come here," he ordered.
"No..."
"You need to know," he insisted, reaching to grab her sleeve and pull her forward. "Look at it, Rita. Look at them. What do you see?"
Rita didn't want to see, but she couldn't not see. Her stomach roiled. The photos contained images of a man standing and smiling over a mass grave. In the next one, tons of girls and women were shackled together in a container. The next photo showed stacks of cases of guns.
"I...I can't..." she said again.
"These are the people we are asked to kill," Lance said, a bit quieter now. "This is the war we're involved in."
"So why don't the militaries just deal with it?"
"Because of legal tape," Lance answered. She looked at him, and in her heart of hearts, she knew that she didn't want those types of people walking around doing those types of crimes. She was feeling more hurt that Luke had lied to her. She was feeling very hurt that her father had kept this from her about himself. She felt like she didn't know him at all.
"The people we kill are the people like the ones who murdered Keira," Lance added quietly. She looked at him, something clicking into place. Luke's sobbing in the bathroom. His limp and facial wounds. His withdrawing. He had not been mugged at all like he'd said.
"He killed them," she whispered.
"Be glad he did," Lance told her. "They were working on finding another victim."
"Oh my God." She gripped her face. There had been two of them, and Luke had killed them. His hands had done it, the same hands that touched her face...
"Luke is a good person," Lance insisted. "His job is not the traditional kind, but he works hard to keep innocent people safe."
"I'm having a very hard time trusting you right now because I basically just found out I don't know who you are either," Rita said.
"I am me," Lance told her. "I've been this person for a long time. The other me, the one who did that job...he was the same guy...he just had a different job than most."
"I...I need to think..."
The door opening and feet banging made them both turn to see Luke coming inside with a bag slung over his shoulder and looking weary. His eyes brightened upon seeing Rita, though.
"Hey," he said. "I'm home."
Rita felt like she couldn't breathe. He'd just killed someone, and he was acting like he was coming home from driving a truck or some other uncomplicated job. She suddenly couldn't look at him. She turned and walked away.
...
Luke stood there feeling incredibly confused. Then he saw Lance's face and the pictures on the table.
Shit.
He closed his eyes, suddenly knowing that Rita had discovered who he was.
"This is why I said to stay away from her," Lance said quietly now, and Luke opened his eyes again.
"What did you tell her?" he asked.
"All of it."
"How mad is she?"
"She's more betrayed than anything. Just give her some space."
"Alright," Luke said quietly. He felt his heart constricting. This was what he'd been afraid of. He wished now more than anything that he'd come clean to her sooner. He went to his room, taking the file from Lance as he passed by. He set his bag down and sank down onto his bed with a heavy heart. He rested his head in his hands, and he didn't know how long he stayed that way when footsteps at his door made him look up.
"Rita," he said, his voice slightly hoarse.
"You could have told me," she said. He could hear the tears in her voice.
"I wanted to. I was going to. I swear."
"I don't know if I can trust you now."
"I'm still me, Rita," he insisted. "I haven't changed. You just know what I do now..."
"But you kept it from me. You lied to me."
"Not entirely..."
"It's still a lie," she cut him off.
"I was afraid you'd want nothing to do with me."
"You didn't give me the chance to make that choice."
"I'm sorry," he said, feeling his chest constrict in fear. She was going to leave him. He could just tell.
"You weren't mugged, were you?"
The question hung in the air, and he knew that she'd figured it out. There was no point in denying it. He closed his eyes briefly, remembering that night.
"No," he answered. "I was not." He watched her, and he could see that she was struggling with it all.
"I need time," she said strongly. "The two most important people in my life are apparently not who they say they are, and I don't know how to deal with that. I just...I need time to figure this out. Okay?"
"Okay," he agreed. She wasn't saying she was done with him entirely. There was still hope. He ached to hold her, but he knew better. She walked away, and he stared at the space where she'd been standing for a long time.
...
Lance intercepted Rita on her way back to her room. She was crying silently.
"Rita, it's very important that you don't tell anyone about this," he started.
"Don't worry, Dad," she said thickly. "The last thing I want to admit to people is that I live with a bunch of assassins."
"I'm sorry..."
"Did Mum know?" Rita asked suddenly.
"No," Lance answered quickly. "She was my second chance at life. She had no idea. Neither did Carol."
"You probably would have broken her heart too," Rita said, going up the stairs without looking back. Lance swallowed. He hated to agree, but he knew Rita was right. He'd thought about telling Rosie so many times, but he hadn't wanted to get this reaction from her over it. He'd left her thinking he was someone entirely different.
It was one of his many regrets.
I am very much looking forward to your thoughts :D
P.S. Part II has a lot of fluffiness of their first while dating ;)