Chapter Summary: After leaving the Strip, Beth processes the information from her meeting with Mr. House. Conversations about the past stir up difficult emotions for both her and Boone.

Chapter 21: Down to My Last Cigarette

Boone followed Beth as she walked out of New Vegas, unsure of where they were going. When they passed the securitrons at the gate, he noticed that where there was once an image of a police officer, there was now a soldier with a helmet and a cigar. Back at the Fort's weather station, Mr. House had said the Platinum Chip was a data storage device. Was this some of what it was storing? The whole thing seemed very strange. Of course, everything about Mr. House seemed strange.

The two continued through Freeside and proceeded into the Atomic Wrangler. Beth walked up to the bar and leaned against it. James Garret smiled broadly at her. "Hey, doll. It's been a while. What can I get ya?"

"I'll take a sarsaparilla and-ugh, fuck it, a pack of cigarettes," she said. "And whatever he wants." She gestured to Boone with her thumb.

The sniper spoke up, "Uh, Nuka Cola."

"Coming right up," James said. "Any whiskey to go with those?"

Beth waved her hand and said, "No, I have some thinking to do and I need to keep a clear head. But I'll take that corner room upstairs. The nice one."

"You got it."

A girl with reddish blonde hair wearing a very low-cut short black dress winked at Boone from a nearby table where she was sitting on a uniformed NCR soldier's lap. Mary? Mindy? Candy? He couldn't remember. Feeling his cheeks flush, he quickly averted his eyes and glanced at Beth. Luckily, she was facing the other way. He really didn't want to have to explain why one of the Wrangler's prostitutes was winking at him the way she was. It had been easy to lie to the hooker, but he had the feeling Beth would see right through him. Not that he had done anything. It was just that he didn't feel like having a conversation like that at this stage of their relationship, whatever that relationship was.

James set down their order on the counter along with a room key and Beth handed him caps in payment. She nodded her thanks and proceeded upstairs with Boone behind her. The room was a bit more spacious and had nicer furnishings than the one he had rented here before. It even had a couch and its own bathroom.

Beth dumped her pack on the floor. Flopping down on the couch and putting her feet up on the coffee table, she rubbed her forehead as she stared down at the Pip-Boy on her arm. Her lips pinched together.

"Are you okay?" Boone asked as he closed the door behind him and put his pack down next to hers.

"No, I'm not okay. I'm pissed! I'm..." She let out a frustrated groan. "I don't even know what I am."

"I noticed the securitrons seemed...different."

"Yeah, upgraded." She opened the cigarette pack and took one out, then pulled a lighter from her pocket to light it.

"Is that what's bothering you?" he asked, sitting down on the couch next to her and taking a sip of his cold Nuka Cola.

"No...well, yes, but that's not all of it." After taking a drag from her cigarette, she held out the pack to him with a cough. "Want one?"

Boone had never seen her smoke before and was about to ask about it, but instead he took one and accepted a light from her. "Thanks." Inhaling, the taste of the tobacco brought back memories of his time cooling his heels when off duty at Camp Golf. He hadn't smoked since he left the army because Carla didn't like it. Suddenly, he felt a little guilty.

"So I don't feel guilty about having sex with Beth, but I do about smoking?!" he thought to himself, wondering what the hell was going on with his brain.

Taking another drag, she let the smoke flow out of her mouth through her slightly puckered lips. "House accessed the data on my Pip-Boy."

Shrugging, he looked back at her with confusion. "Okay."

"No, not 'okay.' I've had this thing since my tenth birthday. It has everything on it. Where I've been, things I've done, people I've met, holodisk recordings, diary entries. Everything. You don't touch somebody's Pip-Boy! Everyone knows that! Doing what Mr. House did would be unthinkable in the vault." She clenched her fists, nearly smashing the cigarette between her fingers. "I felt like I was standing there in my underwear."

Boone hadn't known anyone who used a Pip-Boy before, so he hadn't realized its importance. He thought she mostly used it for the map. "When did he do it?" he asked.

"Funny, that was the first thing I asked. It was back in Goodsprings. That's why he recruited me to replace Benny. Apparently, my resume is quite impressive." Her lips drew in tight around her cigarette.

He tensed up at the thought that House had taken advantage of her when she was in such a vulnerable state, but he didn't comment on it. She had made it clear that she could fight these kinds of battles on her own. "You don't have to keep working for him."

"I know." She stood up and started to pace back and forth, gesturing at nothing. "Ugh! I'm tempted to just leave. Maybe keep going west like I planned, but never did. God knows I have enough money now."

This made him wonder where he would fit in with her future plans, since he didn't really have any of his own. Beth had given the strong impression before that she wasn't the type to settle down. Was he letting himself get too attached to her when in the end, she would just bail before things got too serious, like she did with the King? He could feel a lump forming in his throat.

Shaking her head, she said, "But...after everything I've seen, I need to make sure I made the right decision in giving him the Chip. House has access to a lot more firepower now that I gave to him. And there might be more he hasn't shown me."

"So what is his plan?" he asked.

She sat back down. "You probably know that House was the head of a huge technology company before the war, right?" Boone nodded. "Well, he wants to start that up again with the ultimate goal of colonizing other planets in a hundred years." He raised an eyebrow and stared at her. "I know! Insane, right? Except...maybe not." Tapping off some ash into the tray on the coffee table, she shook her head and took another drag. "Maybe that is the 'future of mankind.' I don't know."

Everything continued to grow so much more complicated than he had expected. "Did he say what he would do about the NCR?"

"He wants to keep control of Vegas, obviously, but the thing of it is, he needs money for his plan and that means playing nice with the NCR so they will continue to patronize the Strip."

"That makes me feel a little better, I guess."

"Yeah, me too."

"What about Benny's plan?" he asked. If House couldn't be trusted, maybe that would be the best option. The NCR could take over from there.

"You mean Yes Man?" Mashing out her cigarette in the ashtray, she sighed. "I thought about it, but I just don't trust that robot. It also sounds like a recipe for having an even bigger target on my head than I do already. And if Mr. House really can do what he says he's going to do, who am I to stop that? As long as he's not hurting anyone. Except the Legion. He can shoot rockets up every one of their asses, as far as I'm concerned." She laughed.

"Damn right." Despite his overall feelings of apprehension, Boone couldn't help but smirk at the thought. He hadn't been paying attention to his cigarette and the long ash fell down onto the carpet. "Shit!" he said, stomping out the cinders before they made much of a burn in the pre-war flooring.

"You okay? You seem a little distracted." She reached out to put her hand on his knee, but he stood up before she could.

"Yeah, it's just a lot of stuff." He put the cigarette out in the ashtray, then walked over to the window and stared out into the alley behind the building, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Are you regretting what happened last night?" Her voice sounded uncharacteristically apprehensive. "If you are, that's okay. We can just stop this before it goes any further. Go back to the way things were."

He turned. Seeing the concerned look in her eyes, he knew there was no going back for either of them. "No, I don't want that. I just...I didn't want to assume anything or get too...'clingy.'"

She scoffed with a laugh and relaxed her shoulders. "Why would you worry about that?"

Letting out an uneasy laugh, he shrugged. "Wouldn't want to scare you away like the King did."

"Shit, I forgot I told you all that." She shook her head with a smile. "Let's just say that it depends on the one doing the 'clinging.'"

"Okay..."

"I mean, he's a nice enough guy, but 'the King' is a rather ridiculous person, wouldn't you say?"

"I guess."

"Yeah, I'll admit that until recently, I wasn't considering any kind of real relationship with anyone."

"What changed?"

She bit her lip and seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. "Getting shot in the head was part of it, I'd say. Made me think that maybe I wasn't better off alone. It started to feel like taking a risk and trusting someone like that could be worth it. And if I were going to be with someone more seriously, I would need him to be a serious person, someone I can really count on. You know?" She stood up and stepped toward him, looking into his eyes. "Like you."

Standing there stiffly, he wanted to smile, to hug her and kiss her, but something was holding him back.

She looked at him with confusion. "What's the matter? That stuff about the King doesn't really bother you, does it?"

Boone realized that wasn't the primary thing that was worrying him. "No, it's not that. It's just the stuff you said about going west. If things don't work out with Mr. House, is that your plan?"

"I was just spouting off because I was upset. Anyway, I'd figured you'd want to go back home eventually. You are from out there, right?"

He nodded. "I am, but I don't want to go back."

"Why not? I didn't think you liked Vegas very much. It's loud, there are too many people..."

"It's also where I met Carla. And I don't have anything to go back to in New California."

"I get it. It's not like I have anything out there, either. If things don't work out with House, we'll figure something out together. Okay?" She smiled reassuringly.

"Okay." Boone smiled back, glad that she understood. He would follow her to hell and back, but there were some places he would prefer not to go. Putting one hand on her cheek and the other on her hip, he pulled her to him and kissed her.

When the kiss broke, she said, "I'll take that to mean that we're good."

"Yeah, we're good."

They sat back down on the couch together and Beth reached for another cigarette, but then stopped. "I thought these would calm my nerves, but they seem to be doing the opposite." She flicked the pack away.

"So you are going to keep working with House?"

"Ugh, I guess. I don't really want to think about it anymore right now. I think I need to sleep on it and decide fresh in the morning." She looked down at her Pip-Boy. "Except that it's nowhere near bedtime and I'm kind of starving."

"Why don't we go downstairs, get a couple of steaks? Maybe a bottle of wine?"

"Better yet, why don't you go down, order two steak and whatever, then have it brought up here? I'm not really in the mood for a crowd. And I think that ghoul comic is working tonight and he has to be the least funny person I've ever heard." She got up and reached into her pack, pulled out a bag jingling full of caps and handed it to Boone. "Here."

Taking it, he judged by the weight that there had to be several hundred caps in the bag. He wasn't sure why she was giving him money for dinner, since she had to know he had plenty. In fact, he probably had more caps now than he'd had since cashing out his army pension for the house in Novac. Beth was an avid prospector and had no problem digging through the pockets of whatever legionaries, fiends, or raiders tried to unsuccessfully attack them. She was also a rather unapologetic thief. A good amount of what she "found" always seemed to end up in his pack, along with some of the money she got from selling things. "I'm not buying the whole menu. I don't need this many caps."

"No, that's your cut of House's payment for the Chip. You did half the work, you should have half the caps."

He started to push the bag back into her hands. "I didn't do it for the money."

"I know. Ultimately, neither did I. It's just a nice bonus. Besides, you know as well as I do that money means freedom. I don't want you to ever feel like you're stuck with me because you don't have any other options."

He scoffed. "I would never feel that way." While he didn't want her to think she owed him anything or that she had to pay him to stick with her, just having that much money made him uneasy.

"Please, just take it."

"Fine. But I'm just holding it and using it for expenses." Ignoring her rolling her eyes at him, he dumped some of the caps into his pocket and put the bag by his pack. Then he left the room and went downstairs to the noisy bar area.

Since waking up in Goodsprings, Beth felt like she'd rarely had the chance to breathe. Now things were getting even more overwhelming.

Despite all his baggage and the extra complications he brought to her life, she was grateful that she had Boone. Not only had he saved her life on more than one occasion, she knew that she never would have been able to get the Chip without him. There was no way she would have gone to Fortification Hill by herself, Mark of Caesar or no. While there were a lot of things she would risk for the right cause, including her life, her freedom was not one of them.

The collar of the button-up shirt she was wearing was starting to feel uncomfortable, so she changed into a t-shirt and pair of fleece lounge pants she had found in the Lucky 38 suite. Feeling a bit more relaxed, she sat back down on the couch, folded her bare feet under her, and scrolled through the files on her Pip-Boy.

There were so many things Mr. House knew about her now, things she had never told anyone. Part of her could understand why he did it, as he had a lot at stake. At least he had told her the truth and hadn't tried to hide or lie about what he had done. She still felt violated, but was much less upset than before.

A few minutes later, Boone came back in with a tray. "You look comfortable," he observed.

"Yeah, I figured since we were staying in, I might as well be," she said.

After closing the door behind him, he set the tray down on the coffee table. On it were two plates, each with a brahmin steak, baked potato, and some carrots. There were also two cold beers. "The wine looked suspect, so I decided to play it safe."

"Thanks. The Garrets must have gotten a fresh delivery in. This looks great." She scooted the table closer to the couch and took one of the plates.

"Yeah, who would guess that a dive like this would have decent food?" Boone kicked off his boots and sat down next to her, taking his own plate.

Cutting into the steak, she took a bite. It was a bit tough, but still juicy. "Mm...glad my system eventually got used to meat. Only a few years ago, I'd have had to choke this down. Now it actually tastes pretty good."

"What do you mean 'got used to it'?" he asked, taking his own bite of steak.

"We didn't have meat in the vault. We lived off what was grown in hydroponics and what the synthesizers could make, none of which was even close to resembling or tasting like actual meat."

"Well, I'm glad you can enjoy it now. How old were you when you left the vault?"

"Nineteen."

"Shit. And you were all alone?"

Beth nodded with her mouth full of potato.

"Why'd you leave by yourself?" he asked. "If anyone would, it would be you, but still."

"It wasn't my choice. My dad..." She took in a shaky breath and set her fork down. It had been a long time since she had told anyone this story. "He left one day. We weren't supposed to leave the vault and the Overseer completely lost it. He sent security after me and everyone else he thought might have anything to do with my dad leaving." She took a long swig of her beer. "These were people I knew my whole life. I thought it was just some misunderstanding. But then I saw the Overseer interrogating his own daughter at gunpoint and then...I found Jonas. They'd killed him." Tears began to well up in her eyes. Even after all these years, the image of Jonas lying dead on the metal floor was still vivid. She had seen dead bodies before that, but those had died from natural causes. It had been the first time she saw someone who had actually been killed and it was someone she cared about very much.

Boone's brow furrowed in concern and he put his arm around her.

"At that point," she continued, "I knew I either had to get out or they were going to kill me, too."

"All of that happened because your dad left the vault?"

She nodded. "'We are born in the vault, we live in the vault, and we die in the vault.' Except that was bullshit. I wasn't born in that vault."

"You weren't?"

"No, but when my mother died, Dad wanted me to be safe, so he took us to the vault and convinced the Overseer to let us in."

"He didn't tell you he was going to leave."

"No. He didn't. He just left." Her voice was constricted and she barely managed to get out the last sentence.

Putting his hand to her cheek, he wiped her tears away with his thumb. "That's why you asked me to tell you if I was going to leave." His face flushed and his eyes reddened slightly.

"Yeah," she replied weakly with a sniff. "Fucking textbook 'daddy issues.' So pathetic." Rolling her eyes, she turned away from him.

Boone gently guided her face back to look at him. "Hey. You're not pathetic. You're the strongest person I know."

"Sure."

"No, I mean it. You were out on your own at nineteen, first time in the Wasteland, first time outside, but you survived. And look at you now."

"I guess." She shrugged. "How old were you when you left home?"

"Seventeen, but it was different for me. I wasn't alone. I was with a friend and I had the army. People looked out for me, told me what to do. And I hadn't been living in a sealed vault my whole life."

"I wasn't alone the whole time."

"I'm glad. I hate to think of you out there all alone." He smiled and pulled her closer. "Tell me about them."

"Well...there was Charon. He taught me how to fight, how to stay safe. He's probably the biggest reason why I'm still alive today."

"He was a good teacher."

"Yeah, he was."

"What happened to him?"

Beth exhaled heavily, her lip quivering. "He died." She hoped he wouldn't press her for details. There were some things she would rather not think about right now. Remembering what happened to Jonas was bad enough. "I miss him."

"I'm sorry." Rubbing her arm, he pressed his lips to her forehead.

"Yeah...anyway, our food's getting cold." They resumed eating, staying silent for a few minutes before Beth said, "I had a dog, too. Found him in an old junkyard. His owner had been killed by raiders. He was the sweetest, most loyal dog you'd ever know."

"What was his name?"

"Dogmeat."

"Dogmeat?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"I didn't name him! That's what his collar said. Did you ever have a dog?" She took a sip of her beer.

"Yeah, growing up. His name was Butch."

Her lungs spasmed in a sudden laugh and she pinched her nostrils together. "Fuck! You almost made beer come out of my nose!"

"What's wrong with the name 'Butch'?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just that I knew a kid in the vault named Butch." She laughed and wiped a tear from her eye. "I think it suits a dog better."

"I think so, too," he said with amusement. "Did you ever go back home? To the vault?"

She was surprised he kept asking questions, as he had never really done that much before. "Yeah, once. After my dad died."

"But you didn't stay."

"I wasn't wanted and I didn't really belong there anymore. Even if they'd asked me to stay, I don't think I wouldn't have, at least not for long. The vault seemed so small after being outside. Besides, I had responsibilities, people who depended on me."

"You didn't have anyone there worth staying for?"

She shook her head. "No, not really. My dad was the only family I had. I mean, I guess living in a vault, everyone's a little like family, but it's not the same. And after being gone for a while, things were so different. It was like I didn't know them anymore. What about you? Do you have any family left?"

He ground his teeth against his lower lip. "Yeah. Last I heard. Mom, dad. Two sisters."

Beth's eyes widened in shock and her fork slipped out of her hand, clanging loudly onto her plate. "What?! You have, like, a whole family?" She shook her head in disbelief. "And you say you don't have anything to go back to?"

"It's not all it's cracked up to be." Grimacing, he leaned back on the couch with his beer in his hand.

"Uh...okay. Next thing, you'll tell me you had grandparents, a house with a white picket fence, and big turkey on Thanksgiving." He frowned with a nod. "Son of a bitch," she breathed. She never even knew her own mother and here Boone had this whole family setup, like something out of a pre-war movie. She couldn't help but feel more than a little envious.

"Beth, my family is a bunch of selfish, toxic people."

Her face fell. "Oh. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"It's okay. I get it." He waved his hand and took a sip of his beer. "My sister Claire is okay, or would be if not for that husband of hers. My grandfather was the only one I was ever close with, but he died when I was fourteen."

"Oh."

Thinking about it, she couldn't decide if having a bad family was better than having no family at all. At least Boone knew who his family was and where he came from. She didn't know much about hers at all, where her parents were born, or who her grandparents were. The little information her dad had given her was either suspect or outright lies and she hadn't been given the chance to ask for more before he died. She might even have extended family out in the world somewhere, but she would never know. There were so many things she would never know.

She stared down at her plate, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore. "From the outside, having any family still sounds nice," she said quietly. "But I guess I'll never know."

"You could always have a family of your own."

"No."

"Why not?" He sounded surprised by her answer. "You'd make a better mom than most."

"Don't. The Wasteland has enough orphans without me adding to it," she said in a pained voice and she turned to look at him. "It's not what I want. I don't think this world is any place for children and I won't bring them into it." Then she saw Boone's body tense and his hand clench harder around his beer bottle. "Shit, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine," he said, his mouth barely moving.

"No, it isn't. I didn't mean..."

"Stop." He stood up and walked to the window, facing away from her.

Beth felt horrible. While she had made the permanent decision to not have children of her own a long time ago, it wasn't her place to tell other people what to do in that regard. She hadn't meant what she said to be a judgment on him and Carla, but how could he hear it any other way?

After what seemed like an eternity, he said in a rough voice, "It's not like I can argue with you. You're right. This world isn't a place for children." Finishing the last of his beer, he leaned against the window frame and stared outside.

She stood up and walked to him, unsure if he would accept comfort from her now. Carefully, she placed a hand on his shoulder and when he didn't shrug it away, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him from behind. His stiffened muscles seemed to relax slightly against her.

"I...I don't even know if we were having a boy or a girl," he said, his voice shaking, then he let out a heavy breath that sounded like a restrained sob. The empty bottle fell from his hand to the ground, but didn't break, and he brought his hands up to his face.

Boone had spoken about Carla several times, including about how she died, but he had never mentioned the baby before. Beth only knew because of the bill of sale she found. Of course, she had never said anything about it and she didn't know what to say now. There was nothing she or anyone else could say that would take any of the pain away. There was no making sense of that kind of loss.

Releasing the embrace, she stepped around to face him and put her arms back around him. He leaned in, clinging to her with his face buried in her shoulder. The fabric of her shirt under his cheek grew damp as he quietly sobbed. She tried to hold back her own emotions, but seeing him like this, imagining what he must be feeling, it was too overwhelming and tears started to well up in her eyes.

A moment later, she was surprised to feel his lips on her neck. Then he lifted his head from her shoulder and kissed her cheek, then her lips. His hands cupped her cheeks and his tongue slipped between her lips, kissing her more deeply.

She pulled back from him and looked into his reddened eyes. "Boone, what are you doing?" she asked.

His breathing was shaky and he seemed to struggle to formulate a coherent answer. "I don't know. I can't take this. I need to feel something else."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

With a furrowed brow, she studied his face carefully before saying, "Okay." Then she leaned in to kiss him.

The next thing she knew, they were on the bed, urgently pulling their clothes off, kissing and groping each other's exposed skin. This was probably a terrible way for him to deal with his feelings, but in the moment, she couldn't bring herself to care. There was no bringing back what he had lost, so why not help him forget for a little while? What was wrong with that?

Beth's heart was beating fast and she could feel herself reacting to his touch, wanting more of him. She ran her fingers through his hair, the dark strands barely long enough for that. Her nails traced lightly over his exposed shoulders, then down his back.

Boone's reddened eyes were closed and he whispered her name as he kissed the space between her breasts. His hot breath and the slight roughness of his unshaven face on her skin sent shivers through her. He was much less reserved than he had been before, shown by how his strong hands gripped her hips firmly, but not roughly. Every moan she uttered seemed to encourage him further. The previous night had been slow, sensual, and almost timid. Now, it was as though he were acting from a primal place, one of hunger, loneliness, and pain. She could feel it, too. It wasn't just him. She wanted to forget as badly as he did.

Together, they pushed everything else away and lost themselves in one another.