Chapter Summary: Arcade wrestles with his secret in light of Beth's expectation that he accompany her to the Brotherhood of Steel bunker.

Chapter 30: I Wish I Was the Moon

Arcade woke up in a cold sweat. Scary, faceless monsters had been chasing him in the woods and he couldn't find his house. It had been the same nightmare he'd been having for months, ever since his dad died. The only thing that made it better was his mom hugging him, telling him it would be okay and that he was safe.

His hands searched the nightstand for his glasses, but he couldn't find them with his blurry vision in the dim light. When he got out of bed, he felt something under his toes: his glasses had fallen onto the floor. A jolt of fear went through him before he picked them up and saw that they weren't broken. His mom would have been so mad if they had been.

When he opened his bedroom door, he could hear tense, grown-up voices from the kitchen and water running in the sink. He crept down the dark hallway to find out who it was and what they were saying. Peeking in, he could see his mom washing dishes with her back to him. His Uncle Jimmy was standing next to her, also facing away, with a dishtowel in his hand.

"Can we at least discuss it, please?" his uncle said. His voice sounded very similar to his dad's. When his uncle read him a story, sometimes he would close his eyes and pretend his dad was still here.

"I don't see the point," his mom replied with exasperation, shutting off the water. "Mark and I discussed it when it was first brought up and we agreed that it was best to stay in Navarro."

"Mark's gone, Miriam," he said gently.
"I don't need you to remind me of that. You do that enough already," she muttered, setting a dripping plate down on the drying rack.

Arcade frowned and felt his dry throat constrict. He hated when his mom was sad, which she was often, even before his dad died.

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard has been for you," his uncle said sympathetically, picking up the plate and drying it with the towel before putting it in the cabinet. "I don't know what I would do in your place."

"Well, I hope you never have to find out." She handed him a wet glass. "The bottom line is that I won't uproot my life again-our lives-without more assurance that there is something better waiting for us there."

Arcade didn't really understand everything they were saying, but it was all very serious and scary to him. His uncle wanted them to leave to go where? The boy didn't want to leave his house, or his school, or his friends. But if he and his mom didn't go, would his uncle and aunt leave without them?

"We don't know how much longer it's going to be safe here," he said, lowering his voice. "At the very least we would be away from the threat of the Brotherhood and the NCR."

Arcade trembled, his breath catching in his chest. He had never seen a Brotherhood or an NCR, but he was terrified of them. They were the monsters in his nightmares-big, with sharp teeth and claws. They had killed his dad when he was only trying to protect the country. They hated everyone he loved. Would they come here? His stomach gave a painful clench at the thought, his eyes welling up with tears.

"I really don't understand why you of all people are pushing for this," his mom said. "You haven't exactly been patriotic lately, from what I've heard."

He sighed, rubbing the towel inside the glass, making it squeak. "That's another reason why I want all of us to go. Things can be different. We can start over in a new home under a new president. Different leadership, a new vision for our country. We don't have to carry the sins of the past with us."

"'Sins of the past,'" she repeated. "I trust that I don't need to remind you not to talk like that in front of Arcade."

The boy's insides jumped at the sound of his name. He knew he shouldn't be listening, but he couldn't help it. At this point, fear had frozen him in place.

"You know that I would never put that burden on a child," his uncle assured her. "But he shouldn't be protected from it forever."

"You may feel differently when you have your own children."

"Perhaps."

She set a handful of glistening silverware in the drying rack. "Anyway, how are you so sure that anything will be different out east?"

"Because I need it to be," he said gravely.

"And if it isn't?"

He ran his fingers through his wavy blond hair and down the back of his neck, but didn't answer her.

The silence hung heavily in the air for a long moment before she let out a quiet gasp and said, "You can't. Jim. Tell me you aren't actually considering..."

He still said nothing.

"If they find you, you know what they'll do," she hissed. "To both of you."

"Then I'll have to make sure they don't."

All this was growing more and more frightening to Arcade. He wanted to talk to them, hear that everything was okay, that nothing bad was going to happen. "Mommy?" he squeaked. They both turned to face him.

"Oh, honey, did we wake you?" his mom asked, taking off her rubber gloves. Her face was pink and her eyes looked tired.

"I was thirsty." After all the scary talk he overheard, he didn't want to talk about his bad dream anymore. "What's going on? Are you two fighting?" he asked, pushing up his glasses with his quivering fists to rub his wet eyes.

She took a dry glass out of the cupboard, then turned the water on, letting it run for a moment with her finger under the stream. "No, we're not fighting. We're just...discussing." After filling the glass, she handed it to him.

"That's right," his uncle said, kneeling down to be eye-level with Arcade and putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "There's nothing for you to worry about."

Arcade gulped the water down, gasping between swallows, then said, "Uncle Jimmy?"

"Yes?"

"Are you really leaving? I don't want you to go."

The two grown-ups exchanged worried glances. "How much did you hear?"

"I dunno."

"Arcade, you know better than to listen in on other people's conversations," his mom scolded.

"I'm sorry." He sniffled, tears welling up in his eyes again.

Her face softened. "We'll discuss it in the morning. Right now, you need to go back to bed."

"I'll tuck him in, Miriam," his uncle offered, taking the empty glass and handing it to her.

"Thank you."

He put his hands under the boy's armpits to pick him up. Arcade wrapped his arms around his uncle's neck and rested his head on his shoulder. His mind pleaded silently for him to stay. Carrying Arcade back to his room, he set him on the floor next to the bed before pulling back the covers so the tearful boy could climb in.

Arcade wanted to know what everything was that they had been talking about, but didn't know how to ask. "Is mommy mad at you?" he asked.

"No, no one's mad at anyone. Don't worry. Do you want me to leave the nightlight on?"

"Uh huh." He sniffled, wiping his running nose with the sleeve of his pajamas. "Uncle Jimmy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you miss my dad?"

"Of course I do."

"But you don't seem as sad as mommy does."

With a sigh, he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Your dad was my big brother. I looked up to him and loved him very much, but he was your mom's husband. Aside from you, he was the most important person in her life. Like your auntie is to me. Maybe I don't show it all the time, but I am sad, too. It's just that different people show their sadness in different ways. When I'm here, I try to be as supportive as I can to you and your mom. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." Arcade sort of understood.

"Now, you need to get some sleep, young man." He leaned over and kissed the boy on the forehead before standing up. "Goodnight, Arcade."

"Will you come back tomorrow for breakfast?"

"You know I wouldn't miss your mom's pancakes," he said with a reassuring grin, then shut the door behind him.

After his conversation with Beth, Arcade didn't sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw figures in silver power armor marching toward him with laser rifles drawn. When he couldn't stand staring up at the ceiling anymore, he got up and paced the room. It wasn't often that a person is truly asked to face their worst nightmare. Beth expected him to follow her into a Brotherhood of Steel bunker and despite summoning up as much self control as he could, he had been unable to maintain his composure.

He had also found out that he had been in the presence of a full-fledged member of the Brotherhood more than once without knowing it. That thought alone made him nauseated to the point where he could hardly choke down water before it threatened to come up again. He was also sweating to the point where his shirt clung to his back. He constantly had to wipe his forehead with his clammy hands to stop sweat from dripping in his eyes.

It wasn't just that he was afraid of death. That was only part of it.

In the NCR, even Enclave prisoners had rights, but not in the Brotherhood. It had been drilled into him since they day they left Navarro when he was still a child that, if they caught him, he wouldn't be the only one facing the consequences. They would forcibly interrogate him, demanding the names of other Enclave remnants. He was not strong like his father or the others and he knew that he would talk eventually, a fact he was deeply ashamed of. Despite years of practice, he was still a terrible liar.

After they had protected him and his mother for so many years, the people he considered family would die because of him. The only solace was that he wouldn't have to live with himself for very long after that.

No, going to the Brotherhood bunker was out of the question. But what would he tell Beth? The obvious answer was to lie, like he had to her so many times before over the years they had known each other. Something about it felt even more wrong now, though. Over the last few weeks, they'd grown closer, discussing and planning the future of the Mojave. Maybe it was finally time to trust someone with his secrets. If anyone found out and came for him later, at least he could be sure that she was capable of protecting herself, especially with Craig by her side.

That raised another problem: how would Craig react? As both an NCR citizen and former soldier, he might have particular prejudices against the Enclave. Even if they weren't personal to him, the people of their parents' generation were bitter enemies. In the NCR, "Enclave" was spoken in the same way people of the old world spoke of "Nazis" or "Communists." It was synonyms with and short-hand for "evil," in their minds. Just standing there with Craig as the three of them had discussed the Brotherhood had made him nervous and fearful that he could see through Arcade's cracking facade. Luckily, he had only seemed mildly suspicious.

Arcade knew that if he was going to tell Beth, however, he couldn't ask her to keep it from her partner. It wouldn't be right to put the burden of his secret on her like that. No, he would tell them both and face the consequences. At least he could be certain that she wouldn't allow Craig to hurt him or turn him into the NCR authorities. He was confident that Craig would never jeopardize his relationship with Beth by doing that. He loved her too much. Besides, if anyone could make him understand that Arcade wasn't really one of them, it would be her.

Just before the sun came up, Arcade heard activity outside his room, so he picked up his bag and went out into the entryway, then into the kitchen. Beth was at the table sipping from a steaming coffee cup and Craig was at the counter chopping potatoes. The aroma of frying onions filled Arcade's nostrils, but he was too anxious to think about food.

"Morning. Sleep well?" she greeted, then narrowed her eyes at him. "Doesn't look like you did. Here, have some coffee." She rose from her seat and poured a fresh cup.

"I can't go with you!" Arcade blurted out.

Beth looked at him quizzically and Craig turned around with a chef knife in his hand.

"If you need another day to rest, we can go tomorrow," she said, walking over to him and reaching out the back of her hand to touch his forehead. "Are you sick? You look even more pale than usual."

"No, I'm not sick," he said, backing away from her. "I need to tell you something. Um...Craig, could you put the knife down, please?"

"Okay..." Craig said, setting it on the cutting board, then crossed his arms over his chest.

"Thanks. I can't go because...because it wouldn't be safe for any of us. For me or for you."

"Not this again," she said impatiently. "I told you, it'll be fine."

"No, you don't understand." He felt himself start to hyperventilate, but he took a deep breath to try to calm himself. Everything he'd been told since childhood about staying safe and hidden was screaming at him to stop. "If the Brotherhood found out who I really am, my life would be at risk and if you're with me, so would yours." Arcade kept his eyes on Craig, watching for his reaction when the truth finally came out of his mouth. "I wasn't always with the Followers or the NCR. I was born in Navarro and my father was an officer in the Enclave."

There it was. He'd said it. He never realized how much of a relief it would be to finally tell the truth to someone. To his surprise, Craig's expression didn't turn hostile, only concerned, then he stepped forward and put his hand on Beth's shoulder.

Only then did Arcade see her reaction. Staring at him in stunned confusion, she shook her head in disbelief and took a step back. Her eyes were fixed on his, unblinking. Her lips moved, but no sound came out except for a barely audible, "No."

"So, you're familiar with the Enclave," he said with a nervous laugh. He'd assumed she would have heard of them, but not being from the NCR, he hadn't thought she'd know much about them.

"I'm more than familiar," she breathed through clenched teeth, gripping the cup with whitening knuckles. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"No, it's the truth. Beth, please listen. I'm sorry that I lied to you, I was trying to protect you."

"Bullshit!" she snapped.

"Okay, fine. I was trying to protect myself. And my family." When she didn't respond, he kept talking. "I was never really a part of all of it, of the Enclave. I know they did a lot of bad things, but there were good people at Navarro." He didn't know why he felt he needed to defend any of them right at that moment. It was the wrong choice.

"Good people?! You son of a bitch!" she screamed. "Get out!"

"Beth-"

She flung the cup inches away from his head. It shattered on the wall behind him, making him jump, her cold eyes never leaving his. At that distance, he knew she could have easily hit him if she'd wanted to. "You have two seconds to get out of my sight!"

"Go!" Craig ordered, but there was no anger in his voice. It was a warning.

Arcade grabbed his bag and ran out of the kitchen to the elevator. Pressing the button, the doors opened immediately and he rushed inside, frantically jamming the close door button, then the one for the casino. The doors closed and he backed against the wall. Blood thundered in his ears, his heart slamming over and over inside his chest. His mind couldn't process what had just happened.

Before he knew it, he was already walking through the gate out of Vegas.

The sun was rising, casting the streets of Freeside in a warm orange glow. Normally, the sight would be a pleasant one. Early morning was his favorite part of the day, since the air was cool and all the violent chem addicts were still sleeping. Right now, however, he felt sick and nearly on the verge of tears.

Arcade had finally confessed his deepest secret and for a moment, it had felt good. A weight had been lifted that he hadn't realized had been so heavy, like Atlas handing over the world. Then it had come crashing down on him again at the sight of Beth's face. The image of her furious expression was burned into his memory. It had been the last thing he'd expected. She had never mentioned the Enclave to him, not once-he would have remembered.

"What did they do to her?" he wondered.

He knew she was from a vault back in the Capital Wasteland and that many members of the Enclave had gone east, but he hadn't considered that she'd encountered them. Not many people survived run-ins with the Enclave. To avoid inviting questions about his own past, he hadn't really asked about hers and she hadn't volunteered much information. She'd been carrying around some awful, painful history without him having any clue.

A deep sadness sank into his chest. Beth was his closest friend, the best one he'd ever had. For a while, the world had felt less hostile and lonely, but he should have known it couldn't last. After this, how could he ever open up to anyone again? He was alone and always would be.

Maybe that was better, he consoled himself. Things would be less complicated, like they used to be.

The Old Mormon Fort was quiet at this time of the morning. Only the gate guards and a couple of doctors were awake. He managed to get to his tent without having to speak to anyone, just giving a couple of nods in greeting. He pulled the flap of the tent closed and dumped his pack on the dirt floor as he sat down heavily on his cot.

Then he had a worrisome thought: would she turn him in to the NCR? Previously, he never would have even entertained the possibility, but he couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

Arcade stared down at his bag laying next to his feet. He could leave. That had always been the plan if he were ever found out, which was why he always kept his bag packed. He could head up to Jacobstown to lie low with Doc Henry. Or he could go to Novac. Daisy would be more than happy to have him as a house guest. Both of those were temporary solutions, though. He could head north to New Reno or even Idaho. Doctors were always needed basically everywhere. It wouldn't be that hard to start over. Again.

With a sigh, he slid it under his cot with his foot. He was going to have faith that Beth wouldn't him in. If she did and the NCR came for him, at least it would be over. The NCR didn't use torture tactics to interrogate prisoners, so only he would be arrested, not his family. They might try to offer him a deal in exchange for naming names, but he'd never take it. He would face it alone.

He was so tired of running and staying hidden. If they came for him, he wasn't going to fight it anymore.

Perhaps if he had slept in the last twenty-four hours, he would feel differently. Falling onto his side, his head hit his flat, dusty pillow and he pulled his legs up onto the cot, not even bothering to kick off his boots.

Beth stood staring out into the entryway as she heard the elevator doors close. Coffee dripped down the wall where the cup had shattered. Boone reached out to touch her trembling hand, but she pulled away from his attempt at comfort. Instead, she marched to the master bedroom.

"Beth..." he said, following her.

"I don't want to talk about it," she growled. "We leave in fifteen minutes." She shut the door behind her, leaving him in the entryway.

Leaning against the closed door, her mind was reeling. How could this be happening? It was unbelievable. Yet, the more she thought about it, the more it started to make sense. She had known he'd been hiding something-but this? Bile rose in her throat.

"Fucking liar," she thought. "Piece of shit Enclave bastard. And he fucking defended them. Them!"

Maybe if he hadn't, she might have given him some benefit of the doubt, but not after that.

Gritting her teeth and breathing hard, she balled her hands into fists until her short nails dug into her palms. There was a tightness in her cheeks and she squeezed her eyes shut. She refused to cry.

"Stay angry! Don't fall apart. There's too much to do. He isn't worth it. Too much is at stake."

Picking up clothes from the floor and couch, she stuffed them into her bag. She retrieved her gun belt from the desk and buckled it around her waist, then double-checked that her .45 was loaded. She put on her hat and sunglasses, hoisted her pack, and exited the bedroom.

Boone picked up his already packed bag from its spot next to the door. He didn't say anything, but his eyes were pitying, which pissed her off even more.

"Don't look at me like that!" she snapped. "I'm fine."

"Okay." He didn't object, but also didn't sound convinced.

She wasn't going to argue with him. After calling the elevator, it took a minute for it to return to the suite and for the doors to open. They stepped in and Beth pressed the button for the casino. She was determined to get to the 188 before dark.

As they marched through Freeside, she kept her gaze averted from the Old Mormon Fort. If Arcade had any sense, he was far away from here. She never wanted to lay eyes on him again.

The room came slowly into focus. Her head swam and she tried to move her arms, but they were held firmly in place, as were her legs. She was unable to turn her head or even move her fingers.

How had she gotten here?

"Ah, you're awake," came a drawling voice from her periphery. Straining her eyes to see into the dark corner of the small gray room, she could make out a figure in a long brown overcoat. Her blood ran cold at the sight: Colonel Autumn.

"You son of a bitch. Let me go," she snarled, struggling against her invisible restraints, still feeling disoriented. This was the man responsible for her father's death. She wanted nothing more than to feel her hands on his throat, to see his eyes bulge as she choked the life out of him. A bullet to the head had been too good for him, too quick. This time, he needed to suffer.

Autumn clicked his tongue in mock disapproval. "Now, now. Language, young lady. What would 'Dear Old Dad' say if he heard you speaking that way?"

The amused expression on his face stoked her growing fury. "Fuck you! Don't you dare talk about my father!" Liz may have been intimidated by this Enclave shit, but Beth wasn't. Not anymore.

"So much anger for such a little girl." He was calm and in control; he had no reason to be otherwise, as she was the one at his mercy.

"Turn off the restraining field and I'll show you how much of a little girl I am. I'll rip out your heart and shove it down your throat, you piece of shit!"

"No, you're going to stay just as you are. I want the code to the purifier and you're going to give it to me."

Even after all these years, she still remembered: 2-1-6. But she would die before she told him.

"Get fucked!" she spat.

"Hm, I'm disappointed. I was hoping you would be more cooperative, but I see now that you are going to need to be persuaded."

"You can't make me tell you anything."

"Oh, but I'm not the one who's going to make you." He turned to his left and smiled. "Take it from here, my boy."

"Gladly, Colonel," came a smooth, deep voice as the sound of heavy boots echoed against the metallic floor. A familiar blond man in a tan uniform stepped into view. He wasn't wearing his glasses.

"...Arcade?" she said with a mix of shock and terror.

Arcade stared down at her with a sadistic smirk on his face that she'd never imagined he was capable of. He pulled a small lever on the wall and blunt pieces of cold metal dug into her arms. A renewed wave of fear washed over her as she recalled how painful the shocks were going to be. Autumn patted the younger man approvingly on the shoulder with his black gloved hand.

"Now, you are going to give us the code to the purifier," Arcade said confidently. "But knowing you, it's not going to be easy." There was a sinister glint in his eyes, as though he wanted her to be defiant so he could break her.

She tried to remind herself that the pain that was coming wasn't anything she hadn't endured before. The sting of betrayal was new, however. "Please, I'm your friend," she implored him. "Don't do this."

He barked out a laugh. "Friend?! Poor gullible little vaultie. You actually bought my do-gooder doctor act." He shook his head. "I can assure you, I have always been loyal to the Enclave. And I always will be. Now tell me the code or things are going to get very unpleasant for you." He grabbed her chin in a painful grip, his face inches from hers. "Eden isn't going to save you this time."

A light touch on her shoulder shocked Beth awake and she let out a sudden scream. At the sight of a figure looming over her in the dark, she lashed out and her fist hit the person hard in the jaw, making him let out a grunt of pain. While he was stunned, she reached for her knife with her other hand, but he grabbed her wrists to stop her.

"Beth! Beth, it's me!" he said urgently. She didn't recognize him, at first. When she stilled and focused on his eyes, he released his grip.

"Boone? What...what happened? Where's..." Breathlessly, she looked around at her surroundings. They were alone in a small metal camper. This wasn't Raven Rock. There was no restraining field. No Colonel Autumn. No Arcade.

With a wince, Boone rubbed his jaw. "It's okay. You're okay. We're at the 188, remember?" He opened and closed his mouth a few times. His lip was bleeding where it had hit his teeth. "Holy shit you can throw a punch."

She barely registered what he'd said. Getting up on her hands and knees, she crawled to the doorway, stumbling as she got to her feet. She charged off into the night, trying to escape the fresh memories from the nightmare. When she was a few hundred yards away, she stopped and leaned against a rock, trying to calm her breathing and hopefully, her mind with it.

A minute later, she heard footsteps behind her and she turned defensively, but saw that it was only Boone walking up with her duster draped over his arm. He reached out a hand, but she flinched away.

"Please, don't touch me," she said, holding her arms protectively around herself, rubbing the spots where the electrodes had dug into her skin. Even though she knew he was only trying to comfort her, she was too overwhelmed to handle any physical contact.

Withdrawing his hand, he asked softly, "Do you want me to go?"

She swallowed and shook her head. "No, stay. I just can't handle being touched right now." She sank against the rock and sat down on the ground, looking up at the moon.

Even though she tried to focus on the here and now, her mind was still back in the Capital, in that room, staring at Arcade's cold eyes. How could she be so shaken by something that had never happened? Why had her mind created something so awful? She shivered.

"Are you cold?" Boone asked.

"A little," she said. He handed over her duster and she draped it over herself like a blanket. "I'm sorry I hit you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, don't worry. I shouldn't have woken you up like that. Not like I don't know better." He sat down next to her. "That one seemed worse than usual. I was concerned."

"Yeah, it was. I thought not talking about everything and trying to put it out of my mind would have gotten me through, but it didn't." She pulled the duster tighter around herself. "My dad dying was only part of it. The beginning. Later, they captured me...wanted me to give them information. When I refused..." Her voice trailed off and she let out a shuddering breath.

His eyes widened in horror and his hand twitched like he wanted to reach for her to comfort her, but he stopped himself, making a fist.

"It's not the first time I've had nightmares about it," she continued. "I have them quite a lot, actually, but this time was different. This time Arcade was there. Looking at his face, it was just pure evil staring back at me. I know it was just a dream, but it felt so real."

Boone nodded. "Sometimes, it's like the nightmares are almost more real than being awake."

"Kind of, yeah." At least being awake, she could manage to put it in a box, ignore it, and keep moving. When she was asleep, there was no escape. It was like a restraining field in her mind that made her face all the things she didn't want to. It grabbed her by the chin and looked her in the eye. And she had no way of fighting back.