11:03pm
It shouldn't be like that.
I shouldn't be like that.
I shouldn't feel guilty every time I think about her.
I shouldn't feel guilty every time I look at her a little too long.
I shouldn't feel guilty every time I smile because of her laugh or smile because she said something silly.
But I do. And that's because she is not the blonde in my arms.
She is not the blonde sleeping next to me at night.
She is not the blonde I wish I was cuddling.
She is not the blonde kissing me every morning.
But I wish she was. And that's because she is not the blonde in my arms.
She should not be the one I think about when I sleep with my girlfriend.
She should not be the one I imagine when I am kissing my girlfriend.
She should not be the first one I want to talk to when something great happens in my life.
But she is. And that's because she is not the blonde in my arms.
You're probably going to think that's pathetic. And you are right. I am pathetic.
I am pathetic because I could have had my chance with the love of my life. But I missed it. I missed it and now I am here, pinning over her, imagining what a great life I could have if I was not at the time a scared little girl. A little girl scared to lose her best friend. A little girl not sure if her best friend wanted to be her girlfriend, like she wished she was.
What if I took the chance? What if I did it that night?
What if.
What if's are the kind of thoughts that slowly but surely hold your hand and take you with them in a place you don't ever want to be in. A place filled with regrets, sadness, and loneliness. It is cold, and dark, and miserable. And it's also where I am, every night, laying next to a blonde I wish she was.
To be honest, years later, I am still not sure that if I did it, she would have kissed me back. But at least, if I tried, I would know today. And the place filled with regrets, sadness, and loneliness, which is now my home, would never exist, or at least it would just be filled with sadness and loneliness.
11:15pm
I know her since as long as I can remember. The day we met, she was wearing a cute little pink sundress, with little white dots. The day before we met, I hated pink. The day after, it was one of my favorite colors. But just on her.
That day, in recess, she sat under a tree, reading a book with her little finger tracing along it so she would not loose her line. And that day, in recess I spend the whole time watching her, hypnotized. A little bit creepy to be honest.
The next day, I took all the courage I had in my heart and sat a little closer. Ok, I agree, saying it like that, it was not much, but to me at the time, it was big.
And every day after that day, at recess, I sat a little closer. Until I was next to her. That day, she just looked up, smiled at me, and went back to reading. Ok, I agree, saying it like that, it was not much, but to me at the time, it was big.
And every day after that day, I sat next to her. Every day, after that day, the book moved little by little. Until one day, it was between us, on our laps, and her little finger would trace the lines for the both of us.
Little by little, the book went away, and we would just sit under that tree, talking. Just the two of us. Sometimes we did not talk, we just watched everything around us. But it was just the two of us, my best friend and me.
Little by little, when we had to get up to go back to class, I would stand up first, take her hand and lift her off the ground. She would stand very close to me, smile at me, give me a little kiss on the cheek, as a thank you, and then take again my hand in hers and dragging a dazed me to the teacher. That was the best times. Just the two of us, my best friend and me.
And then it was not just the two of us anymore. People would come and try to get her attention. Be friends with us. Do things with us. And she would say yes. And little but little, her whole attention was not on me anymore. And I did not like that. At all.
But even if it was not only the two of us anymore, it was still the two of us and some people. Friends left and others arrived, but us, no. I was still the one lifting her off the ground, I was still the one who she kissed on the cheek as a thank you, I was still the one who she looked for first when she entered a room. I was still her first everything.
And when I say our first everything, I mean, everything.
At twelve, we saw a movie during one of our movie nights like every Friday. And in that movie, the two actors kissed. She never had her first kiss – thank God – at that time, and I was no better. And don't ask why we thought we should try it together because this is not the part of the night that I remember. But we kissed. It was not a full blown out epic kiss, just the lips of two best friends touching for a few seconds, but to me, in my heart, it was. And so much more. The feelings that I got when she kissed my cheek were nothing next to that.
We leaned back, looked at each other, she blushed and smiled a little, and then kissed me on the cheek, like always, as a thank you.
That night we still cuddled, like every Friday night but it was different. In appearance nothing looked different. But it was. I still fell asleep, lulled by her breathing, holding her. But my hold was tighter, my smile bigger, my heart beating faster and slower at the same time, and I nuzzled her more than every night before.
Yeah, it was a perfect first kiss. Better that I could ever hope for.
At fourteen, a boy asked her on a date for the first time. And to my surprise, she said no. I can't really describe the feeling that I had when I heard her answer. Joy, pride, hope? A mix of all that? Yes.
At fourteen, that boy was the first one to ask. But to my despair, he was the first one, but not the only one. After that day, many, and when I say many, I mean it, many boys try to ask her too. And every time, my heartbeat was a little faster, and every time she still said no. And every time, my heartbeat was faster again, animated with hope when hearing her refuse.
Until one day she said yes.
11:22pm
Do you think you can hear you heart break? Well, I heard it that day.
Fucking Finn.
A dumb big jelly jock. Who would've thought that my blonde would say yes to him? You mean that this is her style of men? Ew.
Well, ew to me for every type of men but more for this one.
To this day I still don't understand. But what is important is that she said yes. Why? I don't really care. She still said yes.
We were under our tree, talking and just laughing. It was another perfect day with the girl I love until the giant came to us. He was looking all awkward, and embarrassed, and constipated. He babbled and stammered for a few seconds until he succeeded in saying a few words that meant something. I would have preferred if he didn't to be honest.
"Will you go out with me tonight?"
Seven words that were enough to make my heart beat faster and not in a good way. Not the way it beats when she kisses my cheek.
She said nothing for a few minutes. Or maybe it was just seconds but minutes for me. But enough to make Finn and I fidget in our place.
I wanted to say something. Anything. Just to make him leave and make her say no. I really wanted to tell her to not do it. Really. My mouth opened a few times. But nothing came out.
Just a sound that was more like a whine but nothing more.
Coward.
She looked at me for a few seconds, she seemed to wait for something that I could not give her. She sighed and looked up at him, and with just one word, my heart broke for the first time of my life.
"Yes."
He looked like he won the lottery. And in a way, he did. And so much more.
I looked like I was dying. And in a way, I was. And so much more.
They talked a bit and planned the date while I just stood there. Processing. But still not doing anything.
That night, when she left for her date, I spent the whole night crying in my bed, asking myself why I did not do anything.
First regret of my life. But not the last.
The day after, she told me all about her date and I tried to smile but I'm sure it looked more like I was in pain. And like I said, in a way, I was.
She still looked at me like in a weird way. Like she was waiting for something. Or maybe it was just my smile.
We were fifteen when he tried to kiss her for the first time. They were still not together as a couple at that time. Thank God. It was at a party, and he was very drunk. Maybe that's why he did it then. He needed the courage that the beer gave him. It looked awkward, sloppy, uncomfortable. When he leaned back, he had the biggest grin ever. And she looked… I don't really know. I was more trying of not to hurl than studying her emotions.
After an hour or two, a guy with a mohawk, the one throwing the party, yelled for everyone to gather around a bottle to play a game.
Best. Idea. Ever.
Why? Because after a few rounds of people kissing each other, it was Quinn's turn. Finn looked at her with a shit eating grin, telling her to spin it right. And yeah. She did. She spined it damn right. It landed on me. And before I had the time to process what was happening, I had a pair of perfect lips, lips that were in my dreams every night, right on mines.
It was so much deeper that our first kiss. Not emotionally deep, even if it kind of was, but deep in a sexual way. There was tongue, teeth, nips and heavy breath. It all happened too fast, but it filled so many things in my heart.
She leaned back, looked at me for a few seconds, and I looked right back at her with half closed eyes and a little dazed smile. And she kissed my cheek, like always, as a thank you, and went back to her place around the circle. I didn't hear the whistles, or the catcalls. It was just the two of us.
When we went home, we just laid on our back, in the dark, just the light of the moon, in my bed, both of us looking at the ceiling, not saying anything, but thinking so many. She blindly found my hand and squeezed it. Turned her head and looked at me before saying what I spent the whole night thinking about.
"I preferred your kiss."
I looked at her, into her beautiful hazel eyes, and then her lips, they looked so inviting. And then I looked back into her eyes. She got closer to me, and with her soft hand, she took my cheek and gave me a little peck on the lips. And a second one. And a third. She looked into my eyes, and I thought that my heart was going to burst from happiness.
I smiled at her, she smiled back, and pressed her lips more firmly against mine. Her hands stayed on my cheeks and mines traveled along her back, pulling her closer to me until she was straddling me. We made out lovingly for a long time, hands roaming each other body hotly.
When we did not have enough air anymore, we leaned back just a little bit, foreheads against each other and eyes closed. When she opened them again, we just stared at each other for a few seconds, silently saying so many things.
"Do you-" I begin to say but did not have time to finish.
"God yes." She breathed out before leaning back in.
That night, we both had sex for the first time. It was perfect. We made love, communicating with our bodies, with kisses, with looks, but not with words. We did not need them.
To this day, I still remember this night perfectly. When you realize your dream, trust me, you remember it. And she was my dream. Well, she still is. She was so beautiful, so perfect. But I messed up.
Second regret of my life. But not the last.
The day after, I was so happy I could die. We did not talk about it, but we knew that it meant so much for the both of us. She went home, with a kiss on my cheek, but this time it was longer. And I visited my grandmother. Worst mistake. She talked about all these sins of the new generation, with boys being with boys, and girls being with girls. Saying that she thanks God every day that nobody was like that in her family.
Yeah. Thank God.
She talked about that without even knowing that her dear granddaughter was one of the "sinners" that she was describing.
And I freaked out. And I ignored my blonde the whole weekend.
When I was back at school on Monday, Quinn went to me with a big smile on her face. She stopped just before me and leaned in so she could kiss me on the lips. But I turned my head, and I felt her lips on my cheek. Her smile faltered and she frowned.
"If this is about Finn, I told him that I was not feeling the same things." She quickly said.
"It's not about him. It's about you." She frowned and I left fast so that I would not see the hurt on her face.
I received a message of her that night. "I will wait for you to be ready." Without even saying what I wanted to say, she knew what I was feeling.
11:47pm
I was feeling so guilty, I missed her so much and felt so bad. But I did not know what I could do. I did not know if I could give her what she was expecting. It would be so much easier with Finn or any other men. I was not the one for her. I could not give her what she deserved.
So, I ignored her for like two months. Like a coward. And then it was summer, and she left with her parents for the whole holidays.
Just before going back to school, when we were sixteen, I sent her a message after four months of avoiding her. "I'm sorry."
And when she got back, it was like we never left each other. But just as friends. Like she told me, she was waiting for me. But I did not deserve that. Because I didn't know if I would ever have the courage of being out in the open.
Yeah. Coward is the best word to describe me.
That new year, a new blonde arrived. Brittany.
She was fresh, innocent, and silly. And more importantly she was not Quinn. So, I was not afraid of not being enough for her. I wasn't afraid of disappointing her or hurting her. Over the years, it wasn't the fear of coming out that consumed me, but the fear of not deserving Quinn.
Brittany has never been more beautiful, more intelligent, more funny or more charming than Quinn. She never made my heart beat faster. She never kept me awake at night. She never created a smile on my face just by thinking of her. My hands never got sweaty just from the thought of spending time alone with her. My lips never quivered thinking about kissing her or I never got chills just from brushing her. But that suited me fine. Because she was easy to be with. Never expected something from me.
That suited me fine because fearing your feelings, you try to avoid them.
Yeah. That's what I said. Coward.
So, one day, I begin dating Brittany.
I'll never forget the day Quinn found out. And not even by me. She saw us kissing. In public. She was waiting for me, while I, out of fear, was falling into the arms of another. That day, I saw her face. The face of a betrayed woman. I think I even heard her heart break. But she has a pure heart. So, after a conversation where I apologized, she smiled at me, explained to me that she understood, kissed my cheek, but this time not as a thank you, and forgave me.
But she never liked her either. Not that I asked her to. But she tolerated her for me while Brittany and I were blatantly stepping on her feelings.
And eventually, she began dating too.
00:03am
Yeah. Today is the big day.
Don't be scared kids. Or you'll end up like me. Laying wide awake, next to someone you should love but know you'll never really do. And why? Because your heart does not belong to the person next to you. It belongs to someone else. Someone laying in arms that are not yours.
If you're scared, you'll end up one day, just like me, not wanting to go to sleep because if you close your eyes, the day after will come faster. And just like me, you will not want to be the day after. Why? Because it is the day your heart, your body, your mind, will break for good. They will break when you hear the love of your life saying yes to someone that is not you.
How pathetic is that? How pathetic is to be only a few hours away from the moment you will die? And moreover, being at the front row of the event that will kill you? Watching it in slow motion and you can't stop it.
Right people, wrong time my ass.
00:38am
It's a bit hypocritical on my part. Being so scared to be with the person you really love and at the same time hating the person who is with her. Jealous and wanting to be in his place. At least Logan had the courage to be with her.
Will I have the courage to do something today? Or will I still be the coward I am and do nothing? And I would be just left with regrets and memories, even if most of the my memories of her are good ones.
I feel the body move next to me and the arm of Brittany is sliding along my waist. I sigh. I can't stand her touch right now. So, I get up and put on some clothes. I grab my keys, my coat, and go out of the hotel.
I wander around the town until the early hours of morning. Until it's time to get prepared. And now I just have a thing to do. Well two. First, break up with Brittany. Second…, it's time to stop being a coward and get the love of my life.
11:22am
I enter the church and it is absolutely magnificent. Floral compositions already decorate a sublime place. I recognize Quinn's touch.
A little further on, I recognize Logan. He talks and laughs with his friends. I can understand, it would also be the best day of my life if I was in his place. My dream. Seeing Quinn walk towards me, in her wedding dress, with a big smile.
I move to the room where I know she will be. After all, I still helped plan the wedding of my best friend, the love of my life, even though I'm not attending. I then arrive in front of the door before knocking. When I hear a faint "come in", I allow myself to open the door.
That's when I gasped. She is even more beautiful than in all my dreams. Her dress is absolutely stunning, and when she turns around, I have tears in my eyes. She is truly an angle. She smiles at me and my heart stops. "You are perfect." I say out of breath. She blushes slightly and lowers her head to hide her small smile.
She then turns around and meets my gaze in the mirror. For long seconds, we stare, without saying anything. And it's stronger than me. As hypnotized, I approach her before placing my hands on her hips.
It's funny to think that in a few seconds I had more courage than in fifteen years. Our eyes do not let go in the mirror. I hear a gasp of air escape from her lungs as our bodies touch. After a few minutes of silence, Quinn whispers, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" I whispered back.
She bitterly chuckled. "Look at the way I'm dressed. Maybe it could give you a few clues."
"I know. But maybe-"
"I waited for you; you know." She cut me.
I looked down. "I know."
"I waited for years, for you to tell me that you love me. For you to be ready to be with me. For you to fight for me. But you never did. And now that I'm getting married – the day I'm getting married to be more precise – you decide to step in?" She laughed, stepping away from me. But not the laugh I love. The laugh she does when she is hurt, flabbergasted, and scared. "Why now?"
I look at her for a few seconds, my mouth opening and closing. "Because maybe this is the day, I realized that I could not live without you anymore."
"You're funny you know. We both know that we are in love with each other since what? Fourteen? And today is the day you realize you want to be with me? Twelve year later? Wow. You're a bit late now."
"But maybe if-"
"But there's no maybe! God dammit! Are you serious?! Are you really serious right now? Do you understand what you are doing right now? I've been trying to get over you since the day I learned about you and Brittany! And every time I thought I could, you broke up with her. And without knowing it, the same idea got in my head. Maybe this is my time. Maybe it's my turn, right? But no! Every time, you went back to her. And I was left to deal with a broken heart, and I had to do everything again to make my heart freaking forget you. Every time I thought I was doing great; the same thing would happen. Again, and again and again! Do you know how hard it was every time?"
"I know but-" I tried to say but she continued.
"And today should be the day I get to have my happy ending. And here you are! Doing this again." She stopped yelling and took a deep breath, looking at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears coming. "You got your happy ending. Don't I get one too?"
Silence. Deafening silence.
Santana, do something. This is your moment. Be the fucking hero. Get your girl.
"No." I whisper.
"Excuse me?" She scoffed.
"No in a sense that I did not get my happy ending."
"I don't understand." She frowned.
"I broke up with Brittany."
"Oh." She seems a bit surprised. "I am sorry."
"Well, I am not. I broke up with her because I realized that I cannot have my happy ending if I am not with you. And the idea of you going to sleep every night in arms that are not mine is crushing me." I take a deep breath. "I am a fucking coward. I know it. I could not be with you because I thought that you deserved so much better than me. To me, you are fucking perfect. And I could not mess up perfection. But what if getting with you did not me messing you up? What if I spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy, showing you how much I love you and how much you saved me?"
And then I looked into her eyes, like we did as kids, and she was crying.
"San. I need you to say it. I need you, for the first time in years, to prove me what I know you are feeling." She sobbed.
This is the day. This is the day I get my girl.
"I love you so much. I cannot see you walking down the aisle to another person that is not me. I want you. I want you, the love of my life, to be my girlfriend. I need you to spend the rest of my life happy. You are my soulmate and I need you to be mine." I say, the both of us looking at each other in the eyes.
For a few seconds I think the time stopped, and in what feels like slow motion, Quinn walks up to me, take my head in her hands, and kiss me with everything she's got.
It's better than in my memories. It's better than in my dreams. I can taste her tears and I think she can taste mines, but I don't care. I finally got her in my arms. I know that if I was more courageous, I could have had this years ago. But right now, with her in my arms, everything feels finally right.
We separate from each other. But only by a few inches so we can look at each other. She kissed my cheek, like always, as a thank you and then, against my lips she whispered, "I have been yours since the day I met you."
Hey I'm back! I just finished my second year of university so now I will have the time for more stories!
If you have any ideas or request, don't be shy and tell me!
I will probably do some one shots of my other fic "Love is Blind", tell me if you like that idea!
I hope you liked this one shot and I will see you very soon!
Love
A