Moribito Fanfic

Adorable Niece

Part II

Just Like A Dream

After that, Jiguro and I spent more time together to solidify our relationship. We enjoyed it – maybe a little too much.

Everything was going so well, until the day when my period didn't come. I was naturally regular, so this detail didn't go unnoticed for me. I thought that maybe I was a bit stressed and that my period would eventually arrive days later. But I also realized that Jiguro and I had spent several nights together, just before...

I felt more tired. I felt nauseous, and not just in the morning; the feeling followed me during the day and even during the night. Ceiko asked me to take some days off so I could take care of myself. But I kept telling her that maybe it was just discomfort due to my workload. Still, I knew very well that she didn't believe me. She had seen a lot of women in her house of healing with similar symptoms.

"I would like to examine you," she said.

I couldn't hide anything from her. She already knew it. She was a doctor after all; the most well-known in our clan. I was afraid, terrified! The panic caught me and I couldn't think rationally.

A part of me was panicking about the fact that I was pregnant, unmarried, in a relationship with a man who wasn't even from my own clan. Unions and marriages between different clans were forbidden. The Yonsa had to marry within their own clan, and couldn't marry people from the Musa clan or any other.

At the same time, another part of me was trying to comfort myself that, regarding my relationship with Jiguro, people knew us well. Since our clans got along very well together, our relationship hadn't been a problem. Instead, it strengthened our bonds in an unexpected way.

I let Ceiko look me over. I lay down on the bed and spread my legs. I begged her to do it quickly. I saw her taking a small pot of lubricant: the one we used regularly during childbirth. I felt the cold and oily texture so that I wouldn't be hurt during the procedure. She went slowly and quickly as I closed my eyes. Once finished, I quickly closed my thighs. She washed her hands with a very strong soap.

"Don't tell anyone, please, Ceiko..."

"What about Karuna and Jiguro?"

"I'll let them know... but please, don't say anything..."

I burst into tears. All the worst scenarios came in my mind. Ceiko hugged me and reassured me that no one would know until I told Karuna and Jiguro. If the pregnancy went well, Ceiko would defend me against the opinions of people until the birth of the child.

Jiguro... Jiguro...

How to tell him without getting him angry? I already knew since the beginning that he wasn't ready to be a father. He'd never imagined himself to be, either. But was it better to hide it from him? No. I was too honest; telling lies wasn't part of my values. It would be seen as a betrayal in our relationship, a lack of trust and communication.

Gathering my courage, I invited him for a romantic dinner in the capital to tell him the news. After eating, he looked at me and said, "So, is there something you wanted to tell me?"

"... Yes. But... I'm afraid to tell you, to be honest."

"We're in a relationship; we tell each other everything."

"I know…"

"I don't like beating around the bush, so tell me."

If spirits exist, may my spiritual guardian help me… I prayed in my head. I had a belief that a spirit – which had once been alive – was always watching over me since I was born. I didn't know their name, but I knew that they were always with me, at all times. They were the one I prayed to when stressful events happened in my life and I asked for spiritual support.

I inhaled and opened my eyes to look him straight in the eye.

"I'm pregnant..."

That's it! I said it. It's done.

Now, he'll probably stand up and leave me alone at this restaurant, on the outdoor terrace. He looked at me, raised an eyebrow and leaned towards me.

"Are you... sure?"

"... Yes. I'm sure. I have all the symptoms of a pregnancy."

He said nothing more. Although I had pluck and usually defended my principles to other people, this time, I didn't know what to say to defend myself from his behavior.

"I intend to keep it..." It was the only thing I could say.

He didn't say a word, once again. His silence broke my heart. I felt like it was my fault, entirely.

The meal ended in uncomfortable silence. We each paid our part and walked side by side for a while without exchanging a single word. Then, we left each other, without hugs, without kisses or kind words. In the days following the news, Jiguro didn't speak to me again. He tried to avoid all contact with me as if he was avoiding a plague. Karuna noticed that something was wrong between us. I returned to the Yonsa territory, heartbroken with a feeling that I had failed, a few days after the news. I didn't see the point of staying in a place where I didn't feel welcome anymore.

Karuna decided to come and visit me, alone, at the house of healing. We were sitting in the living room.

"Yuka, you know how much I care about you."

"I know…"

"But can I see that something's wrong between you and Jiguro."

"Yeah, it happens, sometimes..."

I played with my hair, trying to calm my nerves. Karuna noticed it, of course he did; I was his sister and he knew my quirks. He slowly approached and took my hand before looking into my eyes. I tried to avoid his stare. I usually never did that with him; we loved doing staring contests. But not at this moment. I was very uncomfortable.

"Jiguro told me..."

"Karuna, I—"

He put his finger to my lips.

"I haven't told anyone, not even Laika. I just want to know what happens to you and the baby," he said softly, pointing at my belly.

"I'll keep it," I replied quickly.

"Yes, it will be fine. I'm here with you."

He continued to talk to me, to reassure me.

"Jiguro's just confused. I'm sure he'll accept the baby, eventually."

"... I'm not sure, Karuna. My instinct's telling me that he won't accept the child, even after it's born..."

"Yuka... don't be that pessimist."

"Well, for now, that's how I am!" I replied. "My instinct never lies to me."

He tried to take me in his arm, but I avoided him. I didn't manage to believe my brother's words. My instinct had always been very strong and had never been wrong.

Two months passed since I told Jiguro the news.

My belly hadn't grown enough for the pregnancy to be visible, even after two months. But every time I put my hands on my lower belly, I felt it was hard and swollen. Jiguro started talking to me again when I came back to the capital for a medical meeting, three weeks after I first told him, but he never spoke about the baby. And when I was trying to, he changed of topic.

"Jiguro, please… It's really important to me to talk about—" I said.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not now."

"So, when?" I grew impatient.

He shrugged and said he needs to train. His behavior broke my heart, one more time. Plus, it'd been a month since the last time we had made love and he no longer touched me. I felt like he no longer found me attractive. He wasn't the kind of man to be a womanizer; I knew that. But I had doubts about his abstinence. Where was he going to see to his needs outside of solitary pleasure?!

"Don't you love me anymore since you got me pregnant?" I continued to say as I was running behind him. "Jiguro! Jiguro! I'm talking to you! Stop ignoring me! It's really hurtful!"

"I'm not ignoring you."

I lifted an eyebrow up, my face showing an incredulous expression. "Then, what's the problem?! Are you in shock? It's not my fault if my body decided it was time to make a child! This is what happens when a man take a woman, or vice-versa! You should have known about that fact since… since I don't even know when! But you have a part of responsibility in that situation that is min— ours!"

I sighed. I didn't know what to say or do anymore. I was now hypersensitive since I found out I was pregnant. I was about to cry as I felt the anger growing more and more. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"I'm trying to open the discussion with you, but every time I try, you escape with excuses! It's not what I called a nice way to fix thing!... Well, forget it!" I said finally. "I'll raise the child on my own. I'm able to! When you'll be able to accept the baby in your life, come back, but not before."

I returned on the Yonsa territory. One night, I couldn't eat anything at dinner. This fight – if only it was a fight – and the non-communication with Jiguro removed my appetite. In the evening, I began to have stomach cramps. The sensation refused to go away despite hot drinks and hot water bottle on my belly. Jiguro's attitude was probably making me nervous, but I had a very bad feeling... I didn't sleep well. In fact, I just didn't sleep at all. It was dawn already when I was about to doze off. I suddenly felt a hot, sticky liquid flowing between my legs. I lifted the sheets and saw the blood... I stared at my own blood, for a long moment, as if it were unreal.

I went to the latrine and changed to quench the blood. I started crying and let my tears flowing. I went to find Ceiko to tell her the news.

"Ceiko…" I said, my throat tight, trying to contain my tears.

"What's going on, Yuka?" she asked me, looking at me worriedly. I was already crying.

"I'm losing the child..."

I choked on a sob. I felt Ceiko hugging me and stroking my hair. This sweetness made me feel a bit dizzy, but it was comforting and it was what I needed. We sat down in the living room.

"... I think the baby felt that Jiguro didn't want it," I cried.

"My poor Yuka... I'll give you a few days off, so that you can recover, okay? And I'd also like to make sure you're not having a hemorrhage right now... you're so pale."

"All right… thank you."

I sent a letter to my brother to meet me, so I could tell him the news first. Two days later, he arrived at the house of healing. He found me in my room. I was in my bed. I managed to find the body of the fetus and placed them on a cloth. It was no bigger than my thumbnail. I looked up at my brother. Karuna said nothing. He put down his suitcase, stroked my back and took me in his arms. He let me cry as much as I needed.

"I wanted that baby... Karuna... I wanted them so much... I had plans for our future... Balsa would have had a cousin…"

"I know, Yuka... I know. Oh, my little sister."

"Jiguro will never be able to understand me..."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"... Yes... I have to."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I want to do this by myself."

"All right. And what are you going to do with the baby's body?"

"... I'm going to bury them in the garden today and plant either a tree or a flowerbed. Ceiko suggested that I do something like that."

"Can I help you?"

"I would like some help, thanks."

Karuna and I went to the Yonsa lassal and found a small bouquet of okkul. It was a type of flower that grew high on the mountain slopes of Kanbal. They were hardy plants that could thrive even in the middle of our harsh winters. The plants were fairly common and cheap here, but I knew they were used to make valuable medicine in other countries. Kyo helped me to choose a good spot for the okkul and dug a hole. I laid the body of my child in, with a heavy heart. But seeing the bouquet of flowers soothed me, like a balm on my heart.

"Which name would you have given them?" Karuna asked me.

"... Tenshi. It means 'angel'."

"It's very beautiful. Nice choice."

My brother stayed with me three days after that event. I decided to accompany Karuna back to the capital. I was feeling my body stronger and the bleeding started to decrease. I had to see Jiguro to tell him about the child. I was upset and sad. The whole thing felt unjust and unfair. Jiguro's an idiot, said a voice in my head. It's his fault!

It all came down to this. I gathered courage, prayed to my spiritual guardian and went to meet him at his house. He opened the door for me, seeming almost surprised to see me. His dog, Hachi, a black-and-tan shiba inu came against my legs and licked my fingers. The silence between Jiguro and me was unbearable. Luckily, Hachi's presence calmed me down.

"What are you doing here, Yuka?" he asked me.

"'What am I doing here'?" I repeated sarcastically. "I was just walking around. I came to watch your friends training together, of course."

He frowned.

"Yuka, I'm serious, tell me frankly what you're doing here. You didn't come here to watch us, I'm sure."

"Well then... I knew you didn't want to be a father to begin with," I said, glaring at him.

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden?" he asked me, annoyed.

And it's only now he noticed that I wasn't acting like myself?! I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't contain them any longer. I clenched my jaw.

"I'm not pregnant anymore, if that makes you happy!" I said like I was spitting. "There's no baby, now... You must be relieved. You'll be able to continue to live your life as a Spear! I just lost them... a week ago."

He looked at me. He was taciturn and had no emotion on his face. He didn't approach me. He didn't even hug me. Maybe he didn't know how to react; that was the only rational explanation I could find. I sat down on his couch. Hachi, as if sensing my sadness, came over to lick my face. I hugged his dog and started crying over his fur. Jiguro finally came closer to me before putting his hands on my shoulders.

"Maybe it's better this way..."

His words stabbed me like a knife in the stomach. It was too much. I broke down with all the grief and rage that I felt, and blasted him with the plain, unvarnished truth.

"But what can be 'better this way', huh?!" I yelled, standing up and grabbing him by the collar. "Where were you when I needed you?!"

I looked him straight in the eye.

"Yes! I knew it! I knew that you never like children! But I really wanted this child, and now that I have the courage to tell you that there won't be any child, all you manage to tell me is 'maybe it's better this way'?! Do you ever think about me at all?! Can you hear yourself talking, Jiguro?!"

"…"

"Have you nothing to say?! Don't you have any feelings?!... You're an idiot, Jiguro, you're truly an idiot!"

I raged and hit him with my fists on his chest. I couldn't hurt him physically. My blows must have felt like those of a child on his muscles.

"I don't know what to say in such situation," he replied as he took my fist in one of his hand. I struggled to break free and stepped back to put distance between us. "I'm not the best person to reassure and to comfort..."

"... I should have known that you would react like that... I already knew it. I keep thinking that you have a very great sense of pride. You're so proud that you're unable to put your ego aside..."

A flood of memories came back to my mind. We were both independent, almost never relying on each other. He was sweet and took care of me when our relationship first began. But the more the time passed, the more we grew apart, slowly. But right now, all I wanted was for him to be supportive.

"… even when the woman you're supposed to love and protect is broken and in pain." I added. "I'm grieving right now! And you don't even care about that!"

I walked towards the door. I took a silver bracelet off my wrist and laid it on the floor.

"I can't take it anymore. I'm tired and exhausted. You're not the man I need and I'm not the woman you need. Our relationship is sterile, and for that, I've decided to put a definitive end to it. It harms me more than it makes me happy," I said in a low voice. "I can't be happy with you. In fact, to tell the truth, I'm not happyat all. I don't think you're happy, either."

"I understand..." he said. "We only hurt ourselves... it's better to break up than keep hurting each other… I'm sorry, Yuka. I thought we could be able to be together and build a life."

He paused, visibly unease. I've even forgotten that I was crying my eyes out.

"I am truly sorry that it didn't work between us."

Our relationship ended on that point. It was a decision of both of us. Karuna and Jiguro still kept in touch, but I kept seeing Jiguro as an idiot who doesn't care about my feelings and emotions. After our breakup, he remained alone. I thought that was a good thing. At least he wouldn't be able to break another innocent woman's heart.

When I was twenty-four, I had a hard year...

Oh, my poor Balsa... Her mother, my sister-in-law, Laika, died of illness. Karuna was totally depressed over his wife's death. He became so fragile. I offered to babysit Balsa, who was five years old, to give him time to focus on himself. Balsa hadn't realized yet that her mother had died... she was too young. I took her to the school and she was playing with her friends. She even rode on the back of a goat with her herder friend, Nono.

One day, I punished Balsa for doing something dangerous. She was playing with the embers of the fire with the poker. The house could have caught on fire.

"But, I just want to stir up the fire! I won't get burned!"

I didn't give in.

"It's dangerous, Balsa. You'll understand when you'll be older."

"NO! You don't love me! You don't want me!" she yelled.

I tilted my head on the side at her words, managing to stay calm.

"Balsa, that isn't true and you know it."

"No, you don't know anything! You're not Mommy! I hate you!"

"Balsa, don't yell at me."

"I want MOMMY! I WANT MOMMY!"

"Balsa..."

"I WA-WANT MOMMY! I WANT TO SEE MOMMY!"

She was crying so loud. She threw the poker to the ground, furious.

"Sweetie..." I said, totally shocked.

Balsa stamped her feet on the ground and climbed up the stairs. She locked herself in the guest room. She stayed there all before noon and into the early afternoon.

I took the opportunity to take my mind off things by treating my patients. I knew that Balsa was in mourning and wanted Laika, her mom. She was expressing her pain and incomprehension that way.

I decided to go to see her. I had a bad feeling. The door was locked, but I knew how to unlock it. There was a little mechanism, under the door handle, that allow unlocking from the outside. I opened the bedroom door with a tray of food.

"Balsa?" I asked.

My eyes searched everywhere in the room: she was nowhere! I looked in the closet, under the bed... nowhere. However, the window was wide open. Panicking, I ran to find Ceiko and our assistants to tell them that Balsa had disappeared! We all set out to look for her, even in the yukka tree. What if she had fallen into a well? Oh my god... not that!

I went back to the guest room and saw the stuffed goat lying on the bed. She never goes out without the toy... An image appeared in my mind. I could maybe know where she might have gone. Ceiko told me they haven't found her yet. I thanked them and continued to search on my side. I quickly crossed the market place and arrived in from of a specific place that my instinct whispered me to go: the cemetery.

I walked from gravestones and rows. After a moment, I finally managed to a small silhouette dressed in red, kneeling in front of a gravestone.

Balsa...

It was her; there was no doubt about it. I knelt down beside her, slowly.

"... Hey, honey..."

"Auntie Yuka... I don't want to forget... I don't want to forget Mommy..."

"We'll never forget her," I whispered. My eyes were filled with tears.

I passed my hand over her little cheek to wipe away her tears.

"We can come back here whenever you want, okay? Anytime; even in the middle of the night."

Balsa wiped her eyes and nodded. I gave her the goat toy before taking her in my arms. We returned to the house of healing. Ceiko sighed in relief, telling me that she was about to ask the herders if they'd seen or heard anything about Balsa.

I looked at my niece. I decided to pay more attention to her feelings in the future. . She was only a child. She may not be my daughter, born of my own flesh and my blood, but I always felt like a second mother to her.

Heaven and earth had turned upside down!

What on earth was going on?

Jiguro fled the country without telling me or my brother. I felt betrayed by him, again! At the same time, my brother told me that Balsa had fallen into a well. Then, ten days later, after the death of King Naguru, Karuna was murdered. Despite the resistance of the palace guards, I asked to see his body. They said it was the work of thieves. But examining his wounds, I immediately realized that there was a foul play, more than just an accidental injury. Any thief would have left him with a gash running from his left shoulder to his stomach. They wouldn't have cut his throat. That cut was meant to stop his breathing. I didn't understand anything about all of this. Who would want to harm my brother that badly? It was unthinkable to believe that he could have any enemy, here, in the capital. He was so well-known, so kind. Something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on what was exactly wrong.

My mind kept telling me that what happened wasn't real. It was a waking nightmare. My entire circle of relatives was falling apart: my little angel, Laika, Jiguro, Karuna and, above all, my beloved niece, Balsa.

Jiguro was treated like a traitor. I was often told that I had a relationship with an idiot, a thief, and that I deserved a better relationship. I grew weary of the people around me; those who criticized me without knowing my past and the circumstances that had made me becomes the independent woman I was now.

My parents were so destroyed by the death of Karuna, Balsa and Laika, that they became very negative. I tried the best I could to support and help them, but could see very well that my advice was harmful to them. Apparently, since I was the one trying to listen and provide support, they ended up telling me that I was the one judging and making people feel guilty. No matter how hard I tried to be understanding, to be altruistic, to be empathetic, it was never good enough for them. I was too "positive", or not "realistic" enough. They often said that I wanted to try to fix the problems all the time by looking for solutions to soothe pain. I even came to believe that I was the problem. I kept wanting to see the bright side of things and keep holding on while the others spent their time complaining non-stop. While they were saying that nothing could change the current situations and that no one could do anything to fix it.

For my well-being, I had no choice but to distance myself from them. It was a tough time. Luckily, Ceiko always supported me. She was my "pillar".

"How are you, Yuka?" she asked me.

"... I can't sleep. I'm not hungry."

"Are you suffering from depression?"

"No!" I replied quickly. "I'm not depressed or mentally ill. Everything's going to be fine... I'm a strong woman who doesn't give up. I have my spiritual guardian with me."

"I trust you, Yuka. And I know how strong you are. If there's anything you need, feel free to come to see me. Take care of yourself."

"Yes, I promise, Ceiko."

I lived the next twenty-five years of my life, trying to solve these bizarre, totally twisted enigmas like a puzzle. I couldn't see any outcome. What just happened with those three? I was left on my own. I had no answer... I spent the days by trying to rebuild myself. I let the hours pass without thinking, hoping that the time would move faster.

I hardened myself, maintaining my strong personality. I made a name for myself, so much so that even the elders of the Yonsa clan began to respect me and put me on equal footing with a man.

I chose to perfect myself in the art of medicine. I wanted to become the best doctor in Yonsa territory, after Ceiko. Surgery, amputations, childbirth, making medicine: there were no secrets left to me regarding human health, sickness, and injury. I mastered this profession to the absolute perfection.

Twenty-five years later, here I am at the dawn of my fifties.

And this woman who was standing in front of me now was claiming to be Balsa, the daughter of Karuna. I didn't want to believe it was her at first. After all, according to Karuna, Balsa had fallen into a well while trying to catch the stuffed goat. Even the herders had told me that they'd never found her body in the underground caves.

This woman's story was like a twisted maze. But when she reminded me of the time she fell from the yukka tree, a little voice in my mind kept telling me that it was my Balsa; my only and precious niece. She looked like a bit to Karuna, it's true, but I could see it very well: she looked a lot like Laika, physically. A real carbon-copy of Laika.

Karuna would have been so proud of his daughter. Maybe he would have been a bit intimidated by her. The moment Balsa took her spear in front of me she radiated a deadly warrior aura. She radiated such strength.

I had a hard time believing her when she told me that Jiguro had saved and raised her. Were we talking about the same Jiguro Musa? The one who had rejected me as soon as he'd learned that I was pregnant with his child? The one who'd rejected my feelings when I'd miscarried?

The Jiguro Balsa had known raised her lovingly like a father. The Jiguro Balsa had known never left her.

He could very well have refused Karuna's request, saying "no", but he never did. Jiguro had been torn apart by a painful choice – having to choose between Balsa and his friends and family. And at the end of the day, he'd always chosen to put my niece's life as his first priority. Maybe Jiguro, in retrospect, felt so guilty for hurting me that taking Balsa under his wing had been his demonstration of love to me. But I'll never be able to know it. He passed away, still holding onto the answers.

The pieces of the puzzle fit together, and I could now contemplate the picture they made up when placed in order.

"Now I understand why you came back," I said. "I feel like I've lived through twenty-five years in single day. We haven't run out of things to say, but for my part, I'm hungry. Do you want to give me a hand? We're going to make supper."

Fourteen years have passed since I discovered the truth about my brother's death... The chains that bound Karuna and Jiguro in my heart fell away, and I could finally remember them with gladness. The sharp sadness associated with their deaths had finally disappeared.

And here I am, now, in front of my grand-niece, my niece's daughter, Alika. She is twenty-four years old and is listening to my story before her therapy. The war against the Talsh Empire left indelible marks and scars on many thousands of lives. Alika was one of those victims. I know how to help her to overcome these traumas. Yes, now, I know. I'll become her pillar of support, and she'll straighten up, just like I did with Ceiko's help. If I managed to do it, she'll be able to. I just know it.

"Come on, Alika, the time has come to continue your therapy. Are you ready?" I asked.

She nodded. Balsa had recently left Kanbal to return to New Yogo Kingdom to reunite with the rest of her family. Four other, younger children were eagerly awaiting her return after a year in Kanbal.

Alika took my hand and followed me into my private room. The years of darkness are over, the good years keep coming, and I have to help my great-niece to rebuild her life.

THE END