Chapter Seven
Mitsuhide trained in the dojo, sparring against Mitsuyasu in the early hours of the morning just as the sun was beginning to rise. It helped take his mind off Yue Lao's departure, as though Mitsuhide did not show it, the leaving of the Matchmaker God was a difficult one. Yue Lao had been a steady pillar of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. He was carefree and casual, unafraid to say what was on his mind, and treated Mitsuhide as a grandfather would treat his grandson. Yue Lao had become more than just a friend. He had become a part of Mitsuhide's family.
And so the Matchmaker God's departure, while expected, was still a hard one to swallow.
Therefore he focused on his sparring. On training and practice. They sparred until Makoto rose and guards wanted the dojo for their own training. Therefore Mitsuhide thanked his uncle for the bout and returned to the castle to prepare for the day.
He saw Aki leave the castle a little later with a box, and heard her say to Yuko it was something for Chiyo's husband. She took a parasol with her to shade her from the sun's heat.
As Mitsuhide settled down to his administration, he wondered at the back of his mind what Yue Lao and Aki had been referring to. They sounded worried, that much was certain. Or rather, it was worry on Yue Lao's side, and dread on Aki's. Mitsuhide had not asked yet however. It had been late last night and she had an errand to run this morning. Therefore Mitsuhide had to put it to the back of his mind and focus on his work.
It was easier said than done. The morning went by, and Mitsuhide spent a lot of it thinking on his memories of Yue Lao, knowing he was going to miss their conversations terribly. Yue Lao always had good advice for him. His perspective had always been different, and therefore always helped.
He clicked his tongue, gently knocking his head with his fist. Concentrate, he chastised himself. I have been gone for three days and the work has already piled up.
Though he had Mitsuharu's help – which was far more helpful than the younger cousin's input – it still took a great deal of time to catch up with the backlog of requests and instructions to be issued.
Around late afternoon, he heard Aki's return to the castle. He listened to everyone, but to her he listened the most, even most subconsciously. When she was back within the castle, he felt he could relax again, for she was safe.
"When will Mitsuhide-sama finish for today, do you think?" She asked someone. It was a polite enquiry, and sounded bright. But beneath it was an undertone of tension, an anxious nervousness. Worry. The same as last night.
"Most likely some point this evening," Mitsutada answered her. "That what he gets for disappearing. Lots of backlog to catch up on. Could I help instead?"
"Ah, no. Thank you though, Mitsutada," Aki replied lightly. "I just wanted to check. There is something I need to ask him. Anyhow, I'm going to go help the servants prepare dinner."
He paused in his writing, wondering whether whatever it was she wanted to talk about had anything to do with what she and Yue Lao had been discussing.
Tentatively, he reached out.
: Aki? What is it? You sound worried?
Her mental attention turned to him as he made the connection. : Oh, Mitsuhide. I thought you were working.
: I am. But I can multitask.
She did not say anything, and Mitsuhide frowned in concern as the silence of her mind stretched on. Something was clearly troubling her.
: Can I speak with you later, in private? With the sound barrier? She asked. This is something I'd rather discuss face-to-face.
Mitsuhide tilted his head to the side in thought. Though he did not read Aki's thoughts directly, he was able to gauge a feel of where her thoughts were at, and they centred around the conversation she and Yue Lao had last night. There was something she wanted to experiment with, but Mitsuhide could not see what exactly, for she kept it concealed.
He had a grim feeling regarding it, but also detected its importance, despite not knowing what it was.
: That is fine, he answered her. I will let you know when I am done.
A bubble of relief blossomed within her mind, as innocent as a flower. : Thank you.
Mitsuhide felt her innocence touch him as soft as a petal, and he was left with a warmth in his chest as he disconnected their communication.
"Is everything alright, cousin?" Mitsuharu asked, noting Mitsuhide had stopped.
"Yes, everything is fine," Mitsuhide answered smoothly. "Just thinking."
xxx
I sat in my rooms with the screens open to the gardens, tapping the Silver Cloud Fan gently in the palm of my hand with thought. I had skipped out on the evening meal, too nervous to eat anything and instead used the time to care for my sword.
I had given the box from Yue Lao to Haroto, who was dismayed to hear of Yue Lao's sudden departure. He became emotional upon receiving the gift and seeing what was inside, but was grateful and had asked me to visit again soon for dinner and a chance to talk about cuisine. It was a heart-warming encounter.
Afterwards, I went back to the lake, but found it was quite popular amongst the locals for prayer and homage during the day time, so I quickly went away before they could notice me. Instead, I went for a long walk, dwelling on what Yue Lao had said, about how it would be wise to know my weaknesses.
It was a frightening thought, in actuality, because though the power of the Sight had been great, its costs had also been great in the past. If the cost was even greater now because of the trial, I dreaded to know what it was.
But Yue Lao's point was wise, because the worst possible time to discover the weakness would be in an actual battle or fight. Though I was confident in my combat skills, only a fool would think there was no one else who was better.
Of course there would always be somebody who was better, and that person who was better could disarm me from the Fan. And in that moment of weakness, I would be struck down.
Therefore he was right. I had to find out what my weakness was. I had to discover the cost of using my Sight without the Fan. As long as I knew, I would then be able to take precautions against it.
However, I did not know what the weakness was. And it was a thing of pride and selfishness to keep it to myself. I never kept anything from my family in the past. And if I encountered a problem which I absolutely could not overcome, I always asked them for help in the end. If I was troubled with anything, I always talked to them. If I was scared or happy, I always told them. They knew all of my strengths and weaknesses.
In this world now, I could not think of anyone else to be that open to, besides Mitsuhide. He had seen me at my worst, and lifted me through the murk and decay of Death when I had let go in my defeat. I did not trust anyone else to stand beside me when I was most vulnerable.
Therefore as I watched the colours of the evening sky above the trees from where I sat, I knew I made the right choice.
There was one problem though.
I had a feeling Mitsuhide would be reluctant to agree to my experiment. And I could not blame him, for if our positions had been reversed, I would be reluctant to allow it. Baihu's instructions had been clear.
But the benefits out-weighed the risks. At least we would know.
Footsteps approached from within the castle side and a knock came at the screen. "Aki, it's me."
I jumped, turning from where I sat. "Mitsuhide-sama?"
He slid open the screen and stepped in lithely.
"I thought you said you were going to let me know when you had finished your work," I stammered, touching my temple subconsciously.
He waved his hand dismissively. "Almost everything I do here is in my quarters. It becomes very tiresome to see the same thing and be in the same room for a while."
I was about to say something, when I stopped and shrugged. "Can't argue with that," I agreed in the end. "Please, sit down," I urged as I stood up to close the thinner, inner screen.
As the ripple of magic spread across the room, I made a mental note to ask him about his magical capabilities and his ascension after this discussion.
I poured some tea. It was actually mine, but I had not touched it yet, and it was still somewhat hot. I handed the cup to Mitsuhide.
"This is your tea, Aki," Mitsuhide said.
"Yes, but I wasn't expecting you to come here. I have to serve you something," I said with a wry smile. "Therefore please, take it."
Mitsuhide sighed and took the cup and had a sip.
"You should give some administrative work to me to do," I suggested tentatively.
Mitsuhide smiled slightly. "Later. Not now. You already have quite a full schedule as it is."
"No," I exhaled heavily, shoulders sinking a little. "Most of it is just thinking."
"Which is rather important," Mitsuhide added knowingly. "Now, what is it you wanted to discuss? You sounded worried."
I gazed at him, trying to decipher how much of the Fan and my Sight he was already told by Baihu.
"How much do you know about the Silver Cloud Fan and its ties to my Sight?" I ended up asking.
Mitsuhide rested the cup down on the tray. "Well, I know your Fan is a Yin treasure from the Lord of Numinous Treasures, and it acts as an energy source of which your Sight can feed off, rather than from your own energy."
"Ah, alright," I said with mild relief, now knowing he knew the most important parts. "Yes, so in that sense, the Fan is an enormous support, and it leads onto what I wanted to talk about. It is regarding something Yue Lao and I discussed last night."
"He told you to ask me something?" Mitsuhide repeated.
"It's . . . it's not really to ask you something. It is more of a request, to sit with me while I try something. Like I said last night, simple on your part. You don't need to do anything. But I just want someone with me in case something goes wrong."
Mitsuhide's expression darkened. "Like what?"
I took a deep breath, fidgeting with the Fan in my hand. Its cool touch helped keep me calm and steady, despite the growing knot of worry in the pit of my stomach.
"I am not sure how much Shifu and Yue Lao might have told you of the nature of the lightning trial, but mine had two setbacks."
Something flickered through Mitsuhide's eyes and his gaze flashed to my hair.
"The first was my hair," I confirmed. "The white streak in my hair is a remnant left over from the lightning. It has a phantom memory of the trial within it, so I have to be careful of who touches my head. The second however, is using the Sight itself. Using it in my dreams is fine. But using the active Sight has always drained my energy when I used it before. During the ambush on the castle ten years ago and during my early days in Kunlun, using the active Sight often triggered nosebleeds and even bleeding from my ears. The Sight saps at my energy, my strength, and when there is blood, it meant the power was feeding off my life-force. The Fan ensured I never bled again."
As soon as I mentioned the nosebleeds, there was something in Mitsuhide's expression as if he remembered something and came to a realisation, an unpleasant one, for his jaw tightened. My own expression fell a little, and I reached out, touching his arm very gently. "Please don't be angry," I said quietly.
He shut his eyes and exhaled slowly. "Don't worry, Aki. It is not you whom I am angry with. I just realised something and I brought back painful memories and emotions with it." He opened his eyes and met my gaze. "Please, continue. Are you saying there is a problem with your Sight since the ascension trial? I would have thought the trial would have made it easier to use if anything else."
It was my turn to exhale slowly and I sat back. "No, it has not," I said grimly. "The ascension has served only to help me live longer as a partial immortal. As for my abilities, it has not effected it. But because the trial was so traumatic, it weakened my body considerably, and Shifu warned me, before I left Kunlun, to not use the active Sight at all without the Fan in my hand."
"Why?"
"Because there was a cost. In order to recover quickly enough to return here, a compromise was made. But I don't think Shifu knew what it was exactly either. All he knew was it would hurt me if I used the Sight without the Fan. Yue Lao was also worried about this, and he suggested it would be worth finding out what this weakness is."
"Use the Sight without the Fan?" Mitsuhide repeated sharply. "I agree with your master in this matter. Do not use your ability without the Fan. What if the cost is greater than you thought?"
"I thought you might say that," I admitted. "But look, I am going to give it a test whether you are here or not. Though I rather you were here. I need to do this. I have to find out."
He opened his mouth to say something.
"Please, Mitsuhide," I interrupted him desperately. "I don't want to do it either. The thought of it is frightening, but it is more frightening if I find out by mistake at the wrong time. I learnt what the cost of my ability was when I fought the giant. And learning the cost, my weakness at that moment in time was the reason for my downfall. I don't want to be caught out like that again. I'd rather know my weaknesses now so I can take precautions, than find out at the wrong moment and have a repeat of what happened back then."
Mitsuhide looked away in silence. His eyes were as sharp as daggers and I could almost see what he saw. My last battle, except from his perspective.
"Why did you never ask High God Baihu what would happen if you used the Sight without the Silver Cloud Fan?"
It was my turn to look away. "I never thought to ask," I admitted. "I know. Looking back with hindsight I was fairly stupid to not ask. But I genuinely did not think to ask. Shifu is Shifu and I trust his words, whether they be advise or warning. It was only when Yue Lao worded it this way when I then thought it was probably a good idea to find out."
I fidgeted with the Fan, holding my breath. It was a silence which stretched on for a long time.
In the end, Mitsuhide sighed. "As much as I hate to admit, I do see your point," he finally spoke. "Knowing our own weaknesses can often be wiser than knowing our own strengths. I was a moment too slow to save you that time. I don't want the same thing to happen ever again."
Relief spread through my body.
"But," he added. "The second something does not start to feel right when you try this test, stop using the Sight, immediately."
I nodded and smiled at him with reassurance.
"So how do you want this to work?" He asked me.
I handed him my Fan. "Unfurl it and just use it as you would like a normal fan. I just need a motion I can follow, otherwise there is nothing for me to Look at."
Mitsuhide unfurled the Fan carefully, and his eyes draped across the patterns. He turned it around, and read the poem on the other side. "An incredibly elegant poem," he murmured softly.
A bubble of warmth extended through my chest. I could almost feel the Fan approve.
I blinked, and let myself fall into focus. I watched the Fan as Mitsuhide gently fanned it back and forth, as if he were casually fanning himself on this warm summer evening. The slow motion was as hypnotic as watching the waves lap along the beach.
My breathing slowed, as if to match the motion of the Fan as it swished back and forth. I brought to the forefront of my mind the familiar magic of my Sight, and the auras of all things misted into my view, as if as cold flame of grey dust wafted ever so slightly along the edges of anything physical. The Fan was the only thing with a greater aura, a greater pale shadow, for it moved, and it was the shadow which moved first, followed by the motion of the Fan.
It was a cold world within the world of the Sight. A cold and quiet one, hauntingly hypnotic, as if it were the realm between mortal and immortal, where the immaterial did not quite exist, yet there was still a remnant echo of it.
I watched the Fan. I could feel the familiar tug of the Sight using my energy, but it was nothing unusual.
My eyes were stinging a little however, as if I had got some soap in them and I blinked a few times, wondering if they only stung because I forgot to blink, or whether some dust had drifted into my eyes.
The blinking did not help, and I felt my eyes began to water as the sting grew worse.
I heard Mitsuhide in his secondary shadow before he actually spoke, and I shut my eyes with a hiss as the sting grew on a shocking exponential curve.
"Aki! Stop!" Mitsuhide gasped, shutting the Fan immediately. I felt him put the Fan in my lap and I tried to wipe my eyes and open them to see normally.
But what flicker I could manage, was red, and I pressed my hands to my eyes again. "It stings!" I cried.
"Your eyes are bleeding!" He said harshly.
Bleeding? I thought in panic. My eyes are bleeding?
I felt him pry my hands away from my face. "Aki, channel the Fan's power," he instructed.
I did, the minute I felt the Fan again in my lap, but it was not helping ease the sting. However, the sting did not get worse either. But it was still unbearable. I shook my head.
"The Fan's power cannot reverse the energy spent," I strained through my teeth, my voice tight as I tried to control the sting which was taking almost all of my attention.
"Damn it. Wait here. I will get some help."
"No!" I said sharply and reached out. My arm caught his clothing, but I could not tell if it was his sleeve or trouser leg.
"Aki!" He took my reaching arm. "This is something beyond my knowledge. I may be a God but I am still young. This is something I most definitely have not seen before. You are hurting!"
"No," I repeated as I struggled to bring my pained and strained breathing under control. If I could look in control, then it would help lower the panic in both of us.
"We must not let anyone know about this," I pleaded. "It's fine. The sting is not getting any worse at least. I just . . . just water for my eyes I think, something to cool the fire."
I wiped my eyes again, feeling what felt like tears – but was blood – smear across my cheeks. I struggled to open my eyes. I could catch a glimpse of Mitsuhide's form and my room, but they were blurry and through a crimson veil. I bowed my head with another pained hiss, shutting my eyes again as I clenched my fists against my lap.
I heard Mitsuhide kneel down in front of me and took my shoulders. "Hold still," he breathed, and he gently touched his forehead to mine. I heard him inhale slowly and deeply, and as he inhaled, the intensity of the pain of the stinging dampened. The tension in my body and the tightness of my fists, relaxed slightly as the respite washed over me like cool water.
I realised what he was doing then, for it was something he had discovered during my recovery from the arrow wound. He had discovered he was able to take some of my pain, and share the load. It was an ability which had helped keep me alive when he had just recovered me from Death. My body had been too weak and shattered to support my spirit, so he took the pain from my body, allowing my spirit to return and stay in its vessel without being overwhelmed by the damage done to it.
"No, Mitsuhide, you don't –"
His tightening grip on my arms silenced me. "It is fine, this should help," he said quietly. Mitsuhide then let go. "Stay here. I will be back in a moment with a bowl of water."
I heard him leave, and I sat lone, unseeing. I reached up to my face, feeling the smears across my cheeks, and in the quiet of my room, I came to terms with my weakness, with the cost of using the Sight without the Fan.
At least it had not killed me. I felt drained and tired. But the sheer pain of the sting in my eyes was unbearable. And tears of blood?
I felt goosebumps rise along my skin as I wondered if this had somehow effected my ability to see normally. Even if it did not and I could recover, there was something about the biting sting and the blood which was horrifying.
What a cost, I thought with mortification. No wonder Shifu told me not to use the Sight without the Fan, because this is the result.
If I lost my Fan in combat while using the Sight, I would not be able to see at all. It was bitterly balanced. With the Fan, I could See unhindered for as long as I wished. Without it, I could not See nor see at all.
I sighed heavily, bowing my head. "What a thing to find out," I whispered to myself.
But . . . but at least I was not alone this time . . . at least I was not in danger.
"It is fine."
Mitsuhide's words were as delicate as a flake of snow, yet as strong as his katana. And though I was horrified by what the cost of the Sight was, I felt safe and sure because he was around.
I truly loved and trusted him.
The sound of the screen opening and closing marked Mitsuhide's return, though his footsteps were so light I struggled to hear them. However, I heard the swish of water in a bowl.
"Mitsuhide, I –"
"Hush," he said softly as I heard the sound of a cloth being squeezed from the water. "There is quite a mess on your face."
He dabbed the cloth against my face and eyes with delicate care. The coolness against my eyes was as refreshing as being quenched from a parched thirst.
"How does that feel?" He asked.
"It helps," I said, feeling the relief of the coolness. "It still stings, but you've taken most of it away." I tried to open my eyes again, but that hurt more, and so I shut them again with a grimace.
"Don't worry. Just keep your eyes closed." He proceeded to wash the blood from my face and I sat in silence. No other man would do something like this, especially a Lord and Emperor.
But then, Mitsuhide had never been a title to me. He was the individual first. And as the individual, I worried how he took it. Was he as worried as I was? Was he angry at me?
"I am sorry this came as a shock," I said quietly. "How are you feeling?"
He paused for a moment. "You are the one with bleeding eyes. Why are you worried about me?"
"Because I care about what you think. I worry about what you are thinking of," I said.
Mitsuhide's breath out conveyed what he felt. He was not happy, and his tone was cold. "At least we know now. And I can reaffirm your master's instruction in saying do not use the Sight again without the Fan." He rinsed the cloth and dabbed my face again.
"Thank you, for this," I uttered from my heart. "For sitting with me. Though I am horrified by the result of the test, it is not as frightening because you stayed."
Mitsuhide did not say anything, re-rinsing the cloth and I felt his touch on my eyes. I was vulnerable here, but I never felt in danger. And courage sparked in my heart. It fluttered with fear, but there was courage too, and a determination to say what should have been said a long time ago.
However, he was quiet for a long time, and the dread in my chest grew with his silence, whittling away at my confidence and courage until it was completely gone. Regret took its place.
I felt my shoulders slowly sink and I shook my head at myself.
This is why when I do have secrets – which are few – I keep them to myself. No one ever likes hearing them. Well, lesson learnt I guess. Try and do the right thing and it will bite me in the bum, one way or the other.
I should have done this experiment by myself.
"I will need to call Yuko in to help you change. Your clothes are stained," Mitsuhide said as I heard him return the cloth to the bowl and he pulled back.
"It's fine," I said sharply. "I can do it myself." I stood, and risked a brief squint to remind myself of my orientation in the room before I had to squeeze my eyes shut. I clenched my jaw so I did not hiss nor groan with the sting.
I had my fair share of feeling around rooms in the dark before and finding things I needed. This was no different.
"No, no, sit back down Aki." He said, and I felt his hand about to take my arm.
I took one step back. "I will be fine, Mitsuhide-sama. Sleep will help fix the rest." Then, more gently, "I am sorry I have bothered you with this." I bowed my head, part in polite dismissal, but also partially because I felt a little dizzy from standing up.
" 'Sama'?" Mitsuhide repeated. He took my hands and held them tight. I did not realise my hands were shaking.
"My silence is because I am afraid," he said after a deep breath. "You are stronger than any human I know, and you have overcome trial after trial of challenge and hardship. But each one has a cost, and it is a large one. Things were simple in the past, but as time goes on, I feel danger finds you more and more easily and . . . and I am terrified I might fail in protecting you, even if it is from yourself. Your gifts are powerful, but they also come with a curse, one which I cannot help with. And I don't know what to do, because I find myself in a selfish position where I want to protect you and give you all that I am, but I dare not step beyond the boundary of propriety. How do I help you within the limits of Lord and retainer? How do I help you within the limits of friendship, which must be careful between man and woman?"
I was dismayed at myself, for having anticipated the worst from his silence when it was something very different. I took a deep breath, feeling my courage return as my thoughts turned to him, to ease all which bothered and worried him. To at least reassure him in one thing.
"Yes," I whispered.
The quiet from Mitsuhide was a confused and cautious one. "Yes?"
I took another, shuddering breath. "You asked me a question before, and I said I would have an answer for you in ten years time. Ten years have passed, and I know in my heart the answer to your question. I always have done, but was too afraid to ever admit it. My answer is yes, I will marry you, if you will still have me. But one word from you will silence me on the subject forever if your own heart has changed. I can handle it. We will pretend it never happened."
A stunned silence greeted me. Bird tweeted outside in the evening.
"Do you mean what you just said?" Mitsuhide asked after a moment. His voice was barely audible.
"I said two things just then. Which one?"
"Will you be my wife?"
It was a shock to hear it again, one which stunned me as much as my previous announcement had stunned him.
A nervous, but quietly certain smile graced my lips as I felt hope blossom in my heart.
"Yes," I said quietly. The word was strong despite the gentle tone. And as I said it, I knew it to be true in my heart. It always had been and always will be. It was something so certain, so sure, it was impossible to break.
Mitsuhide let go of my hands, and in that brief moment, I wondered if I had judged wrong. But instead, I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me into his embrace. His arms were gentle, yet there was a strength to his grip which disguised his inhuman power. His chest was sturdy and his shoulders broad against my cheek.
It felt like I had come home.
Tears pricked my eyes, making the mild sting worse and I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his shoulder.
"Nothing could make me a happier man than hearing just that one word from your lips," he breathed. "You do not know how many times I have dreamt of this. Do you really mean it?"
"Yes! Of course!" I squeezed him tighter. "I just . . . I just cannot believe your intentions had not changed in all these years."
"I told you, my heart would never change. Even if a thousand years passed and another thousand passed again, my heart would never change. It is yours. It always had been and always will be."
I laughed in relief, pressing myself to him. I could now hug him freely, and it made me realise how I missed physical contact, how I craved for the touch of another. It made me realise how much I wanted Mitsuhide, and Mitsuhide alone.
"I could only love you. No one could ever come close. I am glad, so glad you still feel the same!" I then pulled back with a sudden gasp, letting go immediately. "The blood! I still have it on my hands. Your clothes! I –!"
Mitsuhide pulled me back into his arms. "It's fine. It can always be washed out. Just let me hold you in my arms." He held me close, and I felt his sigh of contentment, of bliss and joy, one which I shared as equally. I was so happy I feared it was all a dream.
"Twenty years I have loved you," he whispered, his arms tightening. "And at last, at last, I finally have you."