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[UPBEAT DENIAL]

chapter five: show-and-tell

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If you asked me, a year back, that I'd be hanging out with Hikari in some Starbucks in Tokyo a year later, I would have never believed you. Nor would I have vaguely considered it.

The big decision of moving abroad, quitting my fairly successful job and turning over a new leaf would have left my jaw hanging if I saw myself now. As spontaneous as I can be, packing up my bags and leaving a comfortable lifestyle (especially at my age) isn't even in character for somebody like me. I mean, if I were to randomly move to a different country - I would have thought I'd go somewhere like Sweden, Germany or another country within Europe at least.

Retracting back to my Japanese roots wasn't something that I had in mind. It had never been a part of the grand scheme of things. My childhood will always be a part of me, but I have always been satisfied keeping what 'was' in the past. Striding forward, progressing, setting and achieving new goals was me - and I was happy with the person I was. That was a year ago though. I can't say I have the same musings of myself now.

Nothing feels real about this.

Sitting in a bustling cafe in Shinjuku feels like a mirage - especially when I'm in the company of my old best friend. She's the fourth person waiting in line. Being the gentleman I am, I had originally offered to line up - but she was insistent in shrugging me off, waving her Starbucks point card at me in defiance. I was easy to convince because it saved me from lining up.

Hikari returns to the table with my iced Americano and her own drink.

I take a sip and hum in delight. This recharge is exactly what I need right now.

"That's disgusting, Takeru. How can you tolerate that?"

My gaze lifts up to her, watching her take a sip from her own drink. I almost expect her to be on the swings in Odaiba, launching her body back and forth as she tries not to spill her fizzy, grape-flavoured Ramune. We've exchanged the playground soda for a caffeine hit at Starbucks. It's kinda sad, actually. Adulting is more expensive.

"And what are you drinking?" I ask her. "What's your brand of poison?"

She responds, "A latte with a drizzle of hazelnut syrup."

"Weak," I remark.

She rolls her eyes, perching her handbag onto the table.

I still keep note of her preference because it may come handy one day, given if we ever hang out again.

I'm just enjoying this for what it is. Hikari could have ditched this awkwardness, but she's decided to stay here with me. I gotta give her credit for that. She's not as socially awkward as she used to be - she's a teacher now though. She must have grown out of it.

Instead of drinking her latte, she unzips her handbag, rummaging through and pulling out some liquid foundation from a floral make-up pouch.

Hikari gestures at me, using her left hand and bending her fingers towards her. "Come a bit closer."

"Why?" I question her, but I'm already edging towards her, hovering over the table. It's already difficult hearing her in the noisy cafe so I was bound to move closer to her regardless.

The leaning in - I immediately regret it. Out of nowhere, Hikari latches onto my collar. I can't even react because she already is viciously padding something onto my neck like I'm a piece of meat getting marinated.

"Wha-"

She pulls out a mirror and positions it towards me. I see the reflection of my neck, squinting at the area where she's assaulted me. Taichi's smirk makes sense now.

"Oh…"

Blood rushes to my cheeks. How long had I been walking around like this?

"Yes," she says. "It's been bugging me all morning. Why do you think Taichi couldn't look at you properly? It was fine when we were at the park, but not when we're in a busy area. They might think that I planted that hickey."

"Now that would be a disaster." I snort, amused. "So none of you guys were going to tell me about it?"

"Maybe…not," Hikari drawls, eyes twinkling.

I shake my head at her. The Yagami siblings featuring Mimi are a deadly trio. I should have known better.

"Glad to know that you have some humanity left."

"Should you be talking about humanity when you're the one who dipped out of my life without telling me?"

I choke on my coffee, arms slightly flailing as I attempt to subdue my coughing fit. When the cough settles, through my teary eyes, I see Hikari chewing on her bottom lip. It's a habit of hers that she seems to have stayed with her since childhood. She does this whenever she feels guilty, feels bad or regrets something.

"Sorry Takeru. Ignore that. I…I know I should stop acting all petty. What's done is done. And when I think back of how childish I was at the dinner, I…I was just stressed out that evening. I've been under a lot of pressure lately. Having you add to that equation did not sit well with me."

She tries to defend herself, to cover it, to act all cool about it - but it's obvious that she hasn't gotten over it. I don't blame her for it. I never have. If I went back in time, perhaps I could have done it differently. But I was young then. I wouldn't have known how else to handle the difficult situation I was thrust in.

Behind Hikari's joking comment, there's some truth in it. I'm surrounded by enough women to know that she means what she's said. She has the right to feel how she does.

Deny it all she wants, but if we're going to move forward we can't keep dancing around it. I don't know if I'll be in Japan for the long run, but Hikari will always be present in my life if I'm here. Our brothers are best friends, and there is no way in hell that they will ever break up.

Stretching my legs, I take another sip from my coffee. The only way to resolve this is to talk it out…so be it. I throw my cards all in.

"My mother was hiding that she was pregnant with Kana," I begin.

I don't beat around the bush because there's no point. Kana is no longer a secret so there's no need to.

"My mother did not want to stay in Japan because of all the backlash she'd get. You know how society is here…" I bitterly laugh. "She's already a divorcee, so getting pregnant by a nameless man would make her look worse. Her old job wouldn't have given her maternity leave and they would have fired her because she would ruin their image. You know how the work culture is here…"

Image is everything here. I can't be biassed - it applies to many cultures, and people. However, I've always found Japanese people harder on themselves than other nationalities. It was a big eye opener for me when I moved to France.

"Anyway, this was why she thought it would be wiser to move back to France. Going to a place where nobody knows her would dissolve some portion of prejudice. She thought my grandparents would let us stay with them, which she was wrong about…My grandparents refused to accommodate us. They were still pretty salty about the divorce."

I scratch the side of my head. "If my mother had told them she was pregnant, I think they would have allowed us to stay…but she didn't. I found out late about her pregnancy. I only noticed her pregnancy until her tummy started bulging. By the time I found out, we were already living with my cousin's family in a tiny French town."

Hikari nods along to my ramble, silently taking every word I speak. I'm grateful she hasn't interrupted me. I don't think I've ever been this open about and straight forward about my life. I usually redirect a conversation and talk about something else whenever it gets too personal, but I can't hide here. Although over a decade has passed, I don't have a single doubt that Hikari still knows how to keep a secret.

"I dropped out of school, taking a handful of jobs to support us. We sold my laptop, phone…we were trying to make ends meet. I lost your contact details too," I explain. "I was too exhausted from working, and our only contact back to Japan was my mother communicating to Yamato once a month. Most of our little savings were put aside for Kana."

Hikari looks downwards at her latte. "I see…"

"I wasn't intentionally avoiding you, Hikari. It was just…rough. I thought that if I kept working I'd eventually send you an email or call you, but it took a while for our family to become financially stable. When we were, five years had already passed."

"And, I was pretty angsty. You would have hated me," I chuckle. "But maybe it was a good wake up call to go through what we went. I began to appreciate things more. We might have been struggling money wise, but we were happy eating together with my cousin's family. Even prior to my parents divorcing…we never had that. We never sat down together for dinner. It was nice…Hikari? Hey! Are you-"

Hikari's sniffling into a peach handkerchief, eyes teary. "I feel like such a bitch now. All this time I was furious at you, while you had been going through a lot. I'm sorry. I-"

I wave her off. "It's not that much of a sap story. Other people have had it worse. We're lucky Catherine's family took us in…and my grandparents - they're on good terms with us now. Everything is good now."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I give a toothy grin, getting tired of talking about me.

I brag, "Everything is spectacular in my life right now. Our friendship has rekindled. I had cheese this morning, am having coffee now and had the luxury of tasting melon pan. Your baking skills are impressive. Have you ever envisioned opening a bakery instead of teaching?"

"Stop."

"What?" I blink, catching a frown form on her face.

"Takeru, I hate it when you do this. I hate it when you lie. Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Today is the first time you've been approachable that you haven't been on a high, poking and making stupid jokes. You only do this when something is bothering you…and I may have been cold to you because since meeting you again, this persona has been your default - and I despise it."

"I don't know what you're saying." My grin wavers. "This is me, Hikari. This is who I am now. I was just tired earlier because I hadn't had my coffee and-"

"Cut the crap. That's not it. Maybe being tired is good for you because then you actually become more genuine."

"Are you suggesting my whole show-and-tell right now wasn't true then?" I say coldly.

"What I'm saying is that whenever you act all flamboyant like this, I know something is bothering you. This is an act you used to do when we were younger. I know it. You're a professional at it…and it's pissing me off."

"Why is it pissing you off?" I arch an eyebrow at her.

As far as I can tell, I've been honest about what happened in the past. She had wanted answers, I had given them to her.

"How you use this persona whenever you feel it's convenient…"

She's also right. There's honesty in her words. She's calling me out for who I am - but I already know this. I know I pull up a front when I don't want people delving. It's how I cope, and she's made it transparent and conspicuously open. If she doesn't like this part of me, well…I can't help it.

I can't retrace my steps to the boy she used to know. Just like her, I've changed too. Me being jolly and her accusing me of being fake and over-the-top is who I am. I've changed.

Hikari has changed too.

Her personality remains trustworthy, thoughtful and honest. She's much harder around the edges, fierce, blunt, independent, and not as fearful to speak her mind like she used to be. There is an undertone of untapped anger in her voice, yet she's got this strong sense of what is right and wrong. And she's still sensitive. A few minutes ago she was tearing up about my series of unfortunate events, but now her eyes are fuelled in distaste as she leers at me.

I don't know what to do. Whatever I say might trigger her. Has she always been this moody? Maybe. I wasn't there for all of her adolescence. Tai did mention she was Satan…

Her fury makes me not composed. If she doubts everything I say and do, where does this leave me?

And just like how I treat all the stubborn women in my life, I attempt to smoothen out the argument by pitting all the blame to myself.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to be more honest with you." I promise, even though I shouldn't be promising since I'm obviously bad at keeping them.

Hikari narrows her eyes at me. I give a tiny, hopeless simper back. The expression on her face is studying me. I can almost see the notches in her brain analysing and debating whether to accept my apology or not.

She exhales, clinking her latte to my iced one.

"Cheers to being back, TK." Under her breath, she whispers, "And I'll try and be less snappy."

She thinks I hadn't heard the last part. I had heard her perfectly.

Where does this leave us? Another step forward? It may be wishful thinking, but I truly hope so.

We leave Starbucks on good terms (or I'd like to think so). There's band practice next weekend, so it's not like we can completely ghost each other. I might have not divulged everything to Hikari, but a huge weight feels lifted off my shoulders.

Later that night, I stalk Mimi's socials.

kagami_no_kari

A mirror's light? She must have removed the 'Hika' so that it wouldn't be obvious that it's her. Doesn't matter because I know it's definitely her. This has got to be her media handle. When Mimi, Taichi, Sora and my brother are our mutuals - it further concretes my certain theory.

Her profile is public, and there aren't any visible photos of her on display. Could be a privacy thing because she's a teacher, or because she doesn't like taking photos of herself. Hikari's profile is composed with images of different rays of light. Each image has the rays hitting different angles, suspending over magnificent sceneries.

It's good to know she's kept the photography hobby. I've always praised her for it.

The next morning I'm relieved to see that she's accepted my friend request and has sent me a follow back.

Maybe there's hope after all?

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(a/n) uh...surprise? i couldn't leave it at the pending hikari x takeru scene in the last chapter. i needed that scene finished - so here it is!

this has got to be my fastest update ever. xD thank you for reading!

there are bound to be mistakes because i've had 1 hour of sleep and literally wrote this in less than 4 hours. taking advantage of this because i know i'll get busier with work/life soon.