"Law and Order: SVU" belongs to Dick Wolf and Universal Television. No profit is being made from this story.

Murphy suddenly materialized from the kitchen and stood quietly by the couch. Elliot quickly wiped his face, looking humiliated.

"I can't-" he choked, shaking his head. He got to his feet abruptly, startling her. "I need some air."

He strode across the room, not looking in Murphy's direction as he passed.

Olivia's face scrunched anxiously as she watched him yank open the apartment door.

Elliot," she began to say. She started toward him. "Hey-"

He disappeared before she could get anything else out.

She swallowed and Murphy could see she was trying not to show that she was upset. She walked past him and over to the breakfast bar, turning her back to him.

"Should I leave?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," she replied.

She dropped her face into her hands.

"Maybe it's not worth putting him through this," she said, scrubbing her face tiredly. "We don't even know if it's going to accomplish anything. Look at who we're dealing with here."

Murphy raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"I'm surprised to hear you say that, Olivia," he said. "I thought trying to get justice for the victim was the whole point."

He narrowed his eyes. "Or does that only apply for cases you don't take personally? I wasn't aware there was an exception clause for doing your job."

That got a reaction. She turned toward him, eyes flashing.

"You're out of line," she said angrily. "Don't question my willingness to perform my duties, Lieutenant."

He stared at her calmly

"Then are you saying you're in favor of helping me do this, Captain?" he said. "You need to tell me straight, because quite frankly, keeping SVU involved is more of a professional courtesy at this point. Your cooperation really doesn't have any bearing on whether or not a federal case goes forward. His does."

She shook her head and looked away.

Murphy looked at her sympathetically. He genuinely wasn't trying to goad her, just make a point.

"He means a lot to you," he observed, softening his voice. "It's ok to acknowledge that it's hard to watch him go through this, Olivia."

It took a minute, but she finally replied.

"Of course it's hard," she murmured painfully. "He was my partner." Her voice became an anguished whisper. It looked as if it physically hurt to say the next words. "My best friend."

His heart went out to her.

"Do you think you could have stopped this from happening to him?" he asked.

She blinked tearfully.

"I could have tried," she choked. "I could have asked some questions, tried harder to get in touch with him." Her words began to rush, like they had a mind of their own. "I would have never let those sons of bitches come near him if he hadn't-"

Her voice broke and she caught herself. His eyes narrowed.

"If he hadn't what?" he asked.

"If he hadn't left!" she burst out, like she couldn't help it. She swiped at her eyes, looking angry with herself. "He just...walked away from our 13-year partnership without saying a word to me."

The hurt in her voice couldn't be hidden. "He didn't even tell me."

"And you felt betrayed," he surmised gently.

Her voice became a strangled whisper and she closed her eyes.

"I hated him for it."

Her face twisted. Saying the words out loud seemed both horrible and cathartic. He wondered how long she had been holding them in.

"And all that time, he was trapped there," she said in tearfully, "Terrified and alone and...hoping that I was coming to rescue him and I was here, so angry at him and leaving him in absolute hell."

The tears finally slid out and she couldn't stop them.

Murphy approached her carefully.

"You didn't cause this, Olivia," he said. "Elliot was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and the people who orchestrated this saw an opportunity. Being angry that he left doesn't mean you wanted this to happen to him."

She let out a breath. She was still obviously conflicted, but it seemed to have lifted a bit of weight to get her thoughts out. He was glad for that, but he sensed there was something else bugging her. He had a feeling he knew what it was.

"It hits close to home, doesn't it?" he ventured. She looked at him guardedly. "It's upsetting because you know how he must have felt."

He saw her falter, as if struck breathless, and he knew he had correctly interpreted her turmoil.

He hadn't seen her since her last ordeal with William Lewis, but he knew it was never far from her mind. She had come so far despite that, because of that, but Murphy had gotten a raw glimpse of her during that time that she hadn't shown to many people. He'd had a strong feeling it had been the reason she had reached out to him for help this time.

"It kills me," she said quietly. "I can't bear to think about him experiencing anything like that."

He laid a hand gently on her shoulder.

"So use it," he advised. "Use what you both went through to help him heal, Olivia. I can help catch the ones responsible, but you're the only one of us who can do that."

He turned away and began gathering his laptop from the coffee table.

"I'm going back to my place to get some rack time," he said. "I'm worn out from that flight."

He met her eyes.

"I'll be meeting my boss this evening," he said. "If Elliot decides he wants to keep going, I'll arrange a meeting. The case is still going forward on my end, but it might not end up the way we hope without him."

Olivia nodded.

"You need anything?" he went on.

"No," she said. "Thank you, Murphy. For everything."

She managed a watery smile, not sure how to properly express her emotions, and settled for a poor attempt at bravery.

"We've sure had our share of shitty circumstances together, haven't we, Lieutenant?"

He gave her an agreeable nod.

"Here's to hoping this one gets better," he replied softly.

He patted her shoulder and let himself out.

Elliot thundered down the stairwell, feeling like he couldn't take a full breath until he had pushed outside at the bottom. He gripped the door handle and inhaled until he felt a burn deep in his chest.

He almost ran down the sidewalk, with no idea what he was doing or where he intended to go. Fleeing had become second nature to him while experiencing the homeless life. Even though being with Olivia was the closest thing he had to feeling normal those days, it was hard to break the urge sometimes to disappear from everything.

He could feel himself shaking and his thoughts were spinning as he strode briskly along, head down so he didn't have to look at anyone passing.

Christ, he always did have a problem knowing when to keep his mouth shut. Not only had he spilled his proverbial guts about the humiliating, horrifying things that he had been desperate to forget to Olivia, he had just told Lieutenant Murphy, too.

Murphy was building a case. They were undoubtedly doing this to try and convince him to eventually testify.

And he didn't think he could because he was so afraid. Sometimes he thought he might work himself into a heart attack, it came up so intensely, and he hated it.

He felt weak and pathetic and sometimes he wished he had succeeded in splattering himself over the Brooklyn bridge when he'd tried.

He had been practically holding his breath, he was becoming so worked up, and didn't even realize it until he began to feel lightheaded. He stopped and sucked in air beside another apartment building that he didn't even glance at.

"Cold air does wonders for the head, doesn't it?"

He startled, whipping around fast, and saw a sports car stopped at the curb near him. Declan Murphy was standing by the rear, staring at him.

Lieutenant Murphy had seen Elliot heading down the street as he had pulled away from Olivia's building and had decided to stay close, knowing from just having spent a half hour in Elliot's presence that he wouldn't go far. Elliot seemed to be too attached to Olivia to worry her on purpose.

"Leave me alone," he warned. "I don't want to talk to you."

Murphy was infuriatingly relaxed, shrugging and pulling out a cigarette and lighter from his pocket, as if standing there to enjoy the damn scenery. Elliot wanted to punch him right in his calm face.

The other man took a deep drag.

"I don't mind if you hit me," he said casually, blowing smoke. "Just let me finish this first, yeah?"

The fact that Murphy knew what he was thinking sent irrational rage coursing through him. Elliot was going toward him before he even thought about it, fist clenching, and only stopped when he realized he had stepped into the street.

Murphy raised an eyebrow as he stared at Elliot's face twisted in anger in front of him.

"But do me a favor and don't use that knife in your back pocket," he went on quietly. "Alright?"

Elliot looked surprised, as if he had forgotten it was even there. Murphy finished his cigarette and ground it under his shoe.

"'If one eye is open, the other better be on your enemy,'" Murphy went on. "I get it. I don't blame you for wanting to protect yourself. You don't know me from Adam."

He pushed past Elliot and stepped onto the sidewalk, forcing Elliot to turn after him in order to keep interacting.

He wasn't expecting a response and Elliot didn't give him one.

"The thing is," he went on, staring at Elliot even as the other man stubbornly refused to look back. "Even though I'm a dick for bringing this experience back up for you, I genuinely just want to help you. I have a whole team that will be behind you, too, if you just trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I don't care!" Elliot burst out, unable to control his outrage. "I don't want your help. Why the hell won't you all just let me forget about any of this?"

Murphy stared at him for a long moment.

"Has it worked for you up until now, Elliot?" he finally said. "All of the drugs, and pushing people away, and running you've been doing since you were rescued...has it made you forget what happened?"

"I'm not pushing anyone away," Elliot muttered, pacing in front of him.

"Only because Olivia doesn't let you," he shot back. "She cares for you so much that she's almost eaten up with stress about it. So what's your plan? You just going to spend the rest of your life running from everything? I thought Marines never ran from a fight."

"Screw you," Elliot spat out, stopping in front of him. "You don't know a damn thing. I don't have to explain anything to anyone and whoever doesn't like that can go to hell." He looked at Murphy angrily. "Don't you ever say I'm a coward, you asshole. No one has any idea what this is like."

Murphy's expression was almost kind.

"There are a lot of things I want to call you, Stabler," he said easily. "But 'coward' isn't one of them. I would never disrespect a fellow veteran that way. Like I said, you don't know me."

Elliot looked at the ground, clenching his teeth.

"And there was someone who knew exactly what this is like," he went on quietly. He waited a beat for emphasis. "But that girl wasn't lucky enough to have anyone fighting in her corner to keep her from successfully killing herself. You did."

Elliot's face twisted from where he was looking at the sidewalk. Murphy fell silent and looked away, letting him fight the rising emotions in an illusion of privacy.

"I wish it had been me," he finally murmured quietly. Murphy could barely hear him. "I wish...I could just make everything stop."

He ducked his head, swallowing against the lump in his throat.

Murphy nodded sympathetically.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through, Elliot," he said. "And I want to make that happen for you, I truly do. You didn't deserve what happened to you."

He stepped carefully closer.

"But you have to accept the help," he went on quietly. "We can't hold the line for you if you don't give us the chance to grab it, Detective."

For a moment, silence hung in the air. Murphy could see Elliot struggling internally. He looked torn, not sure what to do or say, and Murphy didn't push him. He stood, waiting, as if he had all the time in the world.

"Olivia trusts you," Elliot finally said uneasily.

It wasn't quite a question, but the hesitation was clear.

"She does," Murphy agreed quietly.

Elliot swiped a hand over his eyes fast, as if Murphy would comment on the wetness there, and looked at the lieutenant somewhat doubtfully. He let out a slow breath.

"I trust her," he eventually said.

Elliot hadn't said it outright, but Murphy still understood that the olive branch was being extended.

He nodded, not wanting to embarrass him.

"Fair enough," he said simply.

Elliot gave him a slight nod back but said nothing.

"I told her that I'm going to be meeting with my boss later to go over our case," Murphy continued. "It would help if you joined us. "

He didn't wait an answer.

"Is there anything I can do for you personally? Maybe bring to the meeting if you need it?"

The abrupt change of subject took Elliot by surprise and it showed. Murphy shrugged, trying not to make it seem like a big deal.

"I'm just saying," he said. "If there's anything you might not be comfortable having Olivia know about, I can help you out. Sometimes I come out of an undercover gig feeling like I'm wearing someone else's skin and don't really know how to exist in the normal world for awhile."

He reached into his bag and retrieved a pen and then rooted into his back pocket. He came up with a gum wrapper and scribbled onto it.

"Here," he said, holding it out. "You think of anything, this is my home number."

Elliot accepted it from him and he turned away without another word. He began walking back to the car.

"Hey," Elliot suddenly called out.

Murphy looked back and saw the other man looking somewhat reluctantly at him.

"Actually," he went on awkwardly. "There...there is something."

The lieutenant walked back to him immediately.

"Of course," Murphy invited. "I'm all ears."

He stood silently and listened as Elliot hesitantly began speaking.

Olivia was in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher when Elliot walked back into the apartment. He looked exhausted.

He stopped beside the counter, looking unsure of what to say. She paused to look at him.

"I'm sorry for leaving like that," he said quietly. "I, um...I just want you to know, I appreciate your help, Liv." He looked awkward. "Just...in case I haven't told you that. You're the only thing that feels right to me sometimes."

She smiled tenderly. She could only imagine how much he had struggled just to put that into words.

"I'm glad," she said simply.

He swallowed, looking uncomfortable. She sensed he wanted to say something else and raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Do you think-?" he began.

He stopped and she furrowed her brow.

"What?" she asked.

He hesitated, then shook his head.

"Nothing," he said wearily, rubbing his forehead. "My head is kind of spinning, I guess. You mind if I take a nap?"

She cocked her head slightly, as if she didn't quite believe him, but nodded.

"Sure," she invited, waving him on. "My bed is always open." She suddenly smiled teasingly, realizing how that sounded. "When I'm not in it. Don't get any ideas."

He gave her a small smile, acknowledging her effort toward a bit of normalcy, and headed in the direction of the bedroom.

Her phone buzzed as he disappeared from sight.

"Benson," she answered, hearing the door shut as he went inside.

"His teeth are hurting him," was how Murphy greeted her from the other end of the line.

She was confused, but he went on as if anticipating her questions.

"He told me outside," he continued. "He said he hasn't been eating very much because his mouth has been bothering him. I'm putting in a call to my dentist for him."

"Jesus," she murmured. She slammed her eyes closed, disgusted with herself for not realizing what was going on.

"I have a buddy who knows a few doctors in the area," he went on, "so I'll also see if there's any possibility that one might work with him somehow. Elliot has been without proper nutrition and routine medical care for God knows how long and he probably has a lot of things bothering him that he doesn't want you to know about. I'll try to bring some names when we meet up later."

"He agreed to meet?" Olivia couldn't hide her surprise.

"Not enthusiastically," Murphy said. "But I'll take what I can get. I'll give you a call in a few hours. "

"Thanks, Murphy, " she said. "I owe you big time."

"Don't thank me too soon," he said heavily. "The hard work hasn't even started for us yet."

She sighed sadly.

"I know," she murmured. "Believe me...I know."

For the next two hours, Elliot tried fitfully to rest, tossing and trying to find a position in the bed where the sun wasn't peeking through the blinds onto his face. He couldn't seem to fall completley under.

When he finally did succumb to slumber, his mind made him regret it.

He was aware that he was dreaming at some level when he opened his eyes to see the red-haired man from the photo earlier sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. But he wasn't aware enough to actively do anything about it.

His heart hammered but when he tried to move, Elliot discovered he couldn't. He couldn't even flex his fingers.

His eyelids seemed frozen. No matter what he did, he could only stare in dreadful horror at the man looking down at him with grotesque, terrifying empty eye sockets.

The man's smile was ghastly and wide enough to show teeth and one hand came to rest directly on his face.

"Are you awake?" the man asked in a sly voice.

A quick shout coming from her bedroom startled Olivia in the middle of texting the woman who had brought her son along to play earlier that day.

She lifted her head, hesitating a minute, and then walked down the hall. She stopped in front of her bedroom door, listening, and then eased open the door.

"Elliot?" she said softly, stepping slowly inside.

He didn't reply, but the way he was laying in the bed seemed off. He was almost ramrod still, as if stretching his whole body uncomfortably, and she saw his hands trembling on top of the blanket.

Something seemed odd but she couldn't figure out what it was. Olivia's face crinkled in concern as she came closer.

It took a second for her to suddenly realize that he wasn't blinking. He was staring into space looking petrified, as if there was something terrifying right in front of him that she couldn't see.

It was unnerving, to say the least.

"Elliot?" she asked again uneasily. She approached the bed carefully and came next to him. "Are you awake? Can you hear me?"

He didn't give any indication of either. She swallowed, trying to think of the easiest way to rouse him.

She sat down on the edge of her bed next to him and began gently patting his face.

"Are you awake?" she said desperately. "Elliot, look at me. Look at me."

He jumped and then blinked rapidly, looking confused to see her there. She moved one hand gently around the back of his neck, the other rubbing his shoulder soothingly, and hoped he didn't see how much he had just freaked her out.

"It's ok," she said, nodding. "I think you were dreaming."

Elliot stared at her like he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Oh," he said. He looked embarrassed and moved back away from her. "Ok. Sorry."

He huffed out a breath and slid his legs over the edge of the bed. She scooted out of his way as he moved, but instead of getting up, he hunched forward like he had a weight on his back and dropped his face into his hands.

"I swear," he said heavily. "Not being able to actually sleep normally is the worst part. God damn."

Olivia hesitated for a moment before gently slipping an arm carefully around his shoulders. She was surprised when, instead of resisting, Elliot leaned immediately into the comfort she offered.

"It is," she agreed quietly. "But it does get better, Elliot. It doesn't ever go away completely, but eventually, you'll stop having so many nightmares."

He looked at her somewhat guardedly, as if suddenly wondering how she would know that, but didn't ask.

She smiled sadly at him and didn't volunteer the answer. Maybe, one day, she would. But not then. Not yet.

"This meeting with Murphy," he began huskily. He swallowed. "Do you think it's a good idea?"

Olivia answered cautiously. "Do you?"

He exhaled.

"I need you tell me," he said. "Right now, I trust you more than I trust myself."

His frank confession startled her. He looked at her desperately and she almost cried.

She swallowed hard. She owed him complete honesty.

"I can't make that call for you, Elliot," she said softly. She hugged him close to her for a moment to emphasize her next words. "But I can promise I'll be beside you no matter what you decide."

He didn't speak for a long moment.

"I want you to be there," he finally said quietly. He didn't look at her.

Olivia nodded.

"Then I'll be there," she replied easily.

Elliot sighed reluctantly as she withdrew her contact.

"When does he want to do this?" he asked.

She stood up.

"He'll let me know," she replied. She looked at him invitingly. "I'm going to be picking up Noah soon. We could hit up the Chinese place on 21st and 11th first. They've got the best chow mein I've ever had."

She was hoping to subtly entice him to eat something that wouldn't be too painful and knew that suggesting it outright would most likely embarrass him.

She still couldn't believe she hadn't caught on, having seen him devouring the soft bagels and cream cheese that Murphy had brought earlier like he was starving, but declining the pancakes she had made before that. He probably would have gladly eaten them but had just been too uncomfortable around Noah to relax.

"I can bring you back here before I go get him," she added casually. "If you want."

Elliot looked to be thinking hard about something and didn't answer her right away.

"Chinese sounds good," he agreed, looking at her. "But I was wondering if maybe we could go somewhere else."

"Definitely," she immediately. "We can go anywhere you want, Elliot. What are you thinking?"

When he met her eyes, his expression was hopeful and nervous at the same time.

"Home," he said. He swallowed. "I want to go see my family."