Home is Not a Place

Christmas away from New York City didn't feel like Christmas at all. Even with beautiful decorations, some family, and a delicious feast (ordered from a restaurant, of course), without her best friends around it just wasn't the same. Thankfully though, with Emma growing older, the holiday season was now taking on a whole new meaning to Rachel. From this year forward, she was determined to start new traditions for her little girl and redefine what Christmas meant for them.

On the 24th, they left cookies and milk out for Santa and went to bed wearing matching pajamas sets that Rachel even let Emma pick herself - she went with the bright pink unicorns, of course. On the 25th, they opened presents together, Skyped with the Gellers and Geller-Bings and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" on DVD, because it reminded Rachel so much of Monica and Phoebe. Emma babbled incessantly during the first half until Rachel gave her a cup of hot cocoa so she would shut up – and then slept through the rest of it. Still a success, Rachel considered it.

Then on the 26th they exchanged some of the gifts they'd gotten, and on the 27th Sandra and Jill Green took off to London, while Rachel and Emma headed to Tuscany to meet Lisa.

Their days in Italy were everything her co-worker had promised: filled with really good food, really good wine and, much to Rachel's surprise, a whole lot of fun too. Lisa had a really great group of friends who all worked in the fashion industry, having studied together in Milan in their early 20s. They were from all over (Mexico, the Netherlands, Germany) and lived all over too (London, Milan, Berlin). And although they were now living different lives in different countries – some with partners, some with kids – they made the effort to take at least one trip together every year.

Rachel felt very welcome by all. No, it wasn't the same as NY – nothing would ever be, and she never expected that anyway. But it was still nice to feel accepted in a nice little group and have long, stimulating conversations with different people. They talked about fashion collections yes, but also about museum exhibitions they've been to, weekend getaways in cities Rachel's never even heard of and interesting movies they've seen recently – the kind she guessed she would need subtitles to.

But the whole time she couldn't help but think of Ross, because she knew he would appreciate this all so very much. In another dimension, where they were happily together and without family emergencies to tend to, they would have fit in quite nicely as a couple in this little group, and in this continent.

The trip went by quickly though, as did the next following weeks back in Paris. With her mom and Jill still visiting, a lot of her free time was spent out and about – mostly around high end stores instead of actual tourist attractions – and about a week after they left, Ross returned for his second visit.

On his first night there, with a sleeping Emma on his arms and the kitchen table in front of him filled with all the different takeout options she wanted him to try, he filled her in on the situation with his parents, and it seemed like things had somewhat plateaued. The new doctor Jack Geller was seeing was trying a new approach to simply manage his cancer for now and Judy also still pretty much seemed as lucid as Rachel could remember her.

Unfortunately, by then the new project she was working on at Louis Vuitton was running at full speed, so she couldn't take a lot of time off to spend with him and Emma like she'd done before. And since they had also agreed that it would be nice for them to keep at least some of Emma's current routine going, she was still attending her daycare during mornings.

So, Ross got to enjoy a lot of his free time to finally explore the city. By the end of his visit, Rachel was sure he had been to more museums in days than she had in months. He'd even found a few children's exhibits to take Emma to, trying to nurture in her the same passion for art and science that he had. As much as Rachel teased him, she secretly loved him for it.

Like his first visit, his departure came much, much too soon. This time, however, she didn't cry – or at least not to his face. She waited until she waved goodbye to his disappearing cab from her balcony to retreat inside, excuse herself to Morgan and Emma and brush a couple of quiet tears streaming down her face in the dark of her bedroom.

It's been eight months now, Rachel. Shake it off.

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon in March. Rachel, Lisa and Nina, the new addition to their growing gang who Rachel met at the Pilates studio she'd recently started attending, were out window shopping with the kids. Emma was running around with Lisa's oldest son Kingston, while her youngest Rebecca and Nina's Stella were being pushed by their mothers in strollers.

"Emma, honey, stay close, please."

The little girl looked back and nodded, slowing down her pace a bit. Thankfully, her days of defying Rachel's authority and pushing other kids in playgrounds seemed to be gone now.

"She's so cute, Rachel. Any way you think we can get her and Kingston to get married?" Lisa joked.

"Seems a little too early to be thinking about that. Can't she just be my little girl forever?"

Lisa laughed.

"No, she's gonna grow up and start rebelling against you sooner than you think."

"Great, thanks." Rachel responded sarcastically.

"Just keeping it real."

Rachel looked at the babies in their strollers and felt a pang in her heart to realize Emma would never be that little again.

"They grow up too fast."

"Oh, is someone wishing for another?"

Rachel chuckled.

"Not really. And besides, don't you need a man for that?"

"Not a whole man, just a very specific ingredient." Nina chipped in with a smirk.

The others laughed.

"Maybe it's time you started dating again." Lisa suggested, to which Rachel made a face. "I mean it, Rachel. And I'm saying this because I care about you."

"You're not dating."

"My divorce isn't even finalized yet and I have a ten-month-old at home, so I do have better excuses than you. Unless you're still…" Lisa trailed off, and Rachel knew what she wanted to ask. Was she still in love with Ross?

Rachel sighed.

"In a way, I always will be."

Lisa smiled, but also dramatically rolled her eyes.

"That is so sweet I could vomit."

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about." Nina said.

Lisa looked at Rachel as if asking permission to explain and Rachel nodded.

"Her ex, Emma's dad. Rachel's still hung up on him."

"Ohh. Well, isn't that on the table then?"

Rachel didn't know if she loved or hated her choice of words. After all, for her they were never off the table.

"He's back in the States. We haven't been a couple in like eight years."

Nina frowned.

"How did that happen?" She asked, pointing to little Emma still walking a few steps in front of them, now holding Kingston's hand.

"I've been listening to stories for months now and even I haven't heard half of it." Lisa said.

Rachel chuckled.

"OK, well…" Nina started. "Would you be open to being set up? I could check with my husband if he has any single friends who could be a good match. Maybe someone from his office?"

"I'll keep that in mind. But uh… No, not just yet."

"OK. If you ever change your mind, just say the word." Lisa said.

Rachel nodded.

"Thanks, guys."

They caught up with the kids, who had stopped just outside an ice cream shop, wistfully looking at the people walking out with beautifully scooped cones, shaped like flower petals.

"Mommy, can we get some ice cream?" Kingston asked Lisa in a heavy British accent.

"How does one ever say no to that?" Nina asked discretely to Rachel, who laughed.

Lisa looked at her watch and then turned to Rachel.

"OK if I say yes to him? Would Emma want some too?"

"Yeah, she'll want some, but it's OK. We can have some ice cream today, right Ems?"

Emma smirked and nodded.

A few minutes later they settled down by a bench around a fountain. Emma kept refusing her mother's help with her ice cream, so Rachel sighed and accepted the fact she would just have to deal with the chocolate stains on her beautiful mauve dress when they got home.

"I give up." She told the others.

"Just let them be." Lisa said. "Somedays I like to think that the dirtier they are when they get home, the more fun they had that day."

"Yeah, OK."

Rachel looked at them again and saw Kingston feeding Emma some of his chosen flavors, most of it dribbling down her cheeks as she giggled.

It would be best not to watch, Rachel thought to herself, and resumed the conversation with her friends.

A few seconds later however, Emma suddenly dropped her ice cream and started crying. Rachel turned around and picked it up to throw it out.

"Hey, sweetie, it's OK. Here, I'll take care of it."

After she came back from the trashcan, however, Emma's cries had only gotten worse.

"Mooommy." She wailed.

"Honey, it's OK."

Rachel wiped her face with some moist wipes she carried in her bag and Emma threw herself in her mother's arms, speaking unintelligibly, making Rachel confused. Had she spoken too soon when she told herself her little temper had gone away?

"Sweetheart, what is it? Do you want another one?"

But Emma continued crying through her words, and this time Rachel noticed a lisp in her speech. Nina, having noticed it too, stood up abruptly.

"Oh my God. Rachel, is she allergic?"

Rachel froze.

"I- I don't think so. Not to chocolate."

Lisa gasped.

"Peanut. There's peanut butter in Kinston's. Rachel, is she allergic to peanuts?"

Rachel struggled to think.

"I don't- I don't know. I don't think she's ever had it. We never have it because Ross is all-" Rachel stopped what she was saying and it finally sank. Her daughter was having an allergic reaction. "Oh my God."

She looked down at Emma in her arms and felt her heart race.

"OK, let's go to a hospital." Lisa said, already standing up and gathering her things.

But then Rachel looked around them and noticed the whole array of strollers, diaper bags and screaming kids that they were. Kingston was watching it all happen before him with a look of horror in his face, his ice cream still melting down his hand, and the two babies had woken up with Emma's piercing screams. Bringing all of this into a hospital would be insanity.

So, she took a deep breath and shook her head.

"No. You guys stay, I'll take a taxi." She swung her big bag over her shoulder, balancing Emma on her hip using her other arm. "It will be easier and faster this way. Thanks, you guys. I'll call you later, I promise."

"Rachel, I'm so sorry!" Lisa said defeatedly.

"It'll be OK." Rachel said, but she couldn't tell whether it was mostly to convince herself.

And quickly she was out of there, holding back her tears and whispering soothing words to her crying daughter.

Rachel wanted to call Ross right away. She needed him to know what was happening because he was Emma's father, yes, but also because she desperately needed him to comfort her. She wanted him to tell her that this has happened countless times to him when he was young, it was not a big deal, and their daughter would be just fine.

She tried calling him from the cab, but between struggling to speak to the driver and comforting her crying child, it became simply impossible, and she had to give up. At the hospital, between forms, nurses and the doctor who ultimately medicated Emma, she didn't have any time. Then on the way back home, with a clingy Emma and tired (so very tired) arms, she didn't have any energy left anymore.

Later that night, she finally got around to pick up her phone after Emma was tucked in. She wandered around the dark quiet apartment and saw the multiple texts she'd received from both Lisa and Nina, as well as unsuspecting random messages from Monica and Ross. She sighed and finally called him.

"Hey Rach, what's up?" Ross asked on the other side, a hint of confusion on his tone. "What time is it right now for you? Is it not like 1 in the morning?"

Just hearing his voice was enough to finally break her collected exterior. After a soft whimper, she let it all out and started crying like she hadn't done in a long time.

"Ross…"

"What happened?" His confusion had turned to worry. "Rachel, is everything OK?"

She sobbed again and clutched to her phone tighter. She should reassure him first, she thought to herself.

"Everything's OK now, but…" She closed her eyes and felt her heart tightening again at the memory of her child's face so red and sweaty from so much crying. "Emma had an allergic reaction today."

"Oh, no. Oh, Rach, how is she?"

"We back home from the hospital. She's OK now, she's sleeping."

She heard him sigh on the other side.

"And how are you feeling? I'm sure this wasn't an easy experience for you."

"God, it was the worst, Ross. She didn't know what was happening, I didn't know what was happening. It's lucky I was out with some friends, one of them caught on quickly."

"I'm sorry you had to go through this, Rach. But hey, at least now we know. We'll just be more careful going forward."

"The doctor suggested I take her to see a specialist."

"Yeah, that's a good idea."

There was another small pause and Rachel brushed away some more quiet tears.

"I'm sorry I didn't call before. But I was all by myself, my friends couldn't come to the hospital with me, and things got so busy and…" She trailed off.

"Hey, it's OK, Rach. Don't worry about that." He reassured her. "I can only imagine the day you've had."

There was so much empathy and tenderness in his voice that she couldn't help but break down into tears again. It really had been a very hard day.

"I'm so sorry, Ross." She apologized again, and she knew she wasn't just apologizing for not calling sooner anymore. She was apologizing for robbing Ross of moments like this, when she was sure he would have liked to be around. He was her father, her amazing, loving father. Of course he would want to be here for her in days like today to comfort her – comfort them.

"Rach, you don't need to apologize. She's OK, we're OK. Everything's OK now, you can relax."

"I'm sorry I've taken her away from you." She clarified, finally exposing the cloud that has been hanging over her head ever since she boarded that plane without looking back.

Ross went silent for a few seconds and Rachel worried about his reaction. She knew she had taken him by surprise and God knows how he would react.

"Hey, Rach… Come on. You didn't take her away from me. Nobody can do that, right? She'll always be my daughter no matter where she is." He said comfortingly and paused before going on. "You're doing what you think is best."

"I can't do this by myself, Ross." She found herself saying.

"Of course you can, Rach. You have been doing it all by yourself for like, what, a year now, almost? You've already proved yourself as a mom time and time again. Especially after today."

Rachel let his words sink. It was really hard, but maybe he was right. She could do it by herself. But did she want to? Was Paris and this job even worth it - Emma growing up without her father around, Rachel growing apart from her friends? In a few months' time they were going to miss the twins' first birthday and Joey's new upcoming premiere, as well as Phoebe's baby shower.

Most days the ache in her heart was manageable, but in days like today it became almost unbearable.

"You're giving her other things, Rachel." Ross' voice brought her back. "Another language she can now speak, different cultures she's being exposed to, all these new experiences she wouldn't get to have here. In the ten months you've been in Europe you've already traveled to more places than you had in ten years in America."

Rachel nodded, but the question was still echoing in her head: was it worth it?

She was quiet for a few seconds, so Ross went on.

"Give yourself a break, Rach. You're a wonderful mom to our Emma."

Rachel smiled weakly and brushed her tears away.

"Thank you."

"So uh… What was it that triggered her allergic reaction?"

"Peanuts." Rachel explained. "She had some ice cream from my friend's son's cone."

"Oh, God. Well, I guess she had to inherit something from me after all." He joked to light up the mood and attempted a light laugh.

Rachel clutched her phone tighter.

"Are you kidding me, Ross? She's so much like you, I wish you could see it like I do. She's so curious about things and she's so smart. She's got your dimples when she smiles and the look she gets on her face when she gets excited about something, that's all you."

She can hear Ross chucked with emotion on the other side.

"Thank you for that, Rachel."

Rachel sighed, determined to stop crying.

"How are you, Ross?"

"I'm…" He trailed off. "Honestly, for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I'm really OK."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Mom and Dad have been doing OK. We've been spending a lot of time at Monica's, with her, Chandler, and the kids… And I uh…" He paused for a moment, and it almost seemed like he was hesitant about going on. "I'm seeing someone." He finally said it.

Rachel's heart dropped upon hearing that last part.

"Oh."

"With everything that's been going on I wasn't really expecting to meet anybody right now, but… I guess you don't really plan these things."

"Yeah. I guess that's true."

It's been almost a year now, Rachel thought to herself. It was more than understandable that he should move on. In fact, in some ways it was strange that it had taken him this long. He deserved some joy in his life, now more than ever, as much as it hurt her. So, Rachel swallowed down the lump in her throat and tried to smile, as if it would show in her voice.

"I'm happy for you, Ross. You deserve to be happy." She finally said.

"Thanks, Rachel." He said softly. "That really means a lot to me."

They hung up quickly after that. Rachel was exhausted and now her heart weighted even heavier in her chest. What a day.

She looked at her phone and quickly replied to Lisa's many texts, explaining everything was fine and then went on to answer Nina as well:

All fine, Emma OK now. Will take you up on that offer, if it still stands.

I know allergies to a specific item aren't really a genetic thing, but I suppose having an allergic parent makes you more predisposed? I don't know. I'm not a doctor. For the sake of this story, let's say it does. Moving slowly but surely, please be patient with me :) Let me know what you guys think and see you in the next chapter!