Chapter 16

It's been a month since she got back here to the states but she feels as if she's even farther from home than Paris. The only person she had left here, her mother, is gone now; died less than eight hours after Julia arrived in Connecticut but she hasn't been able to grieve; not fully. She's too afraid that if she gives into it, soon there won't be anything left but a sobbing mess, and then who would take care of Chloe?

Julia sat quietly, looking down at her girl as she slept. She gently patted Chloe's back from where she lay on her chest, having just fallen asleep after filling up on breastmilk. Now she lay there against Julia, passed out without a care in the world. Julia smiled. Chloe's looks were starting to fill out and though Julia suspected that it was in part to her being Chloe's mother, this was the most beautiful baby ever. God, Julia was thankful to have her right now, feeling so alone, and she wrapped her arms around Chloe and buried her face in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent.

Still fresh as yesterday, she remembered the day she'd gotten here and rushed straight to the hospital. Her mother was in bad shape; the heart attack had been a serious one and though they'd already flown in a specialist, even she couldn't do anything to save Mrs. Montgomery. It had been too severe and too much time had gone by in between her having the attack and getting to the hospital. Thankfully, and by some miracle Mrs. Montgomery held on until her daughter arrived. There was so much she felt she needed to say to Julia.

"Mom!" Julia uttered, in tears the minute she stepped into the small room of the ICU. Her mom, who in life was such a strong and statuesque woman, now seemed so small lying there in that bed surrounded by machines. Julia went and took a seat at the bedside and leaned down, resting her head on her mother and crying.

It felt so hopeless as she lay there.

"...Jules?" It came weak, quiet, but it was there. Julia picked her head up, and with tears in her eyes, turned to face her mother.

"Mom…" she cried. "Mom...I'm so sorry!"

"… it's alright baby!" But Julia couldn't stop her eyes from flooding.

"You're leaving me. It's not alright!"

Julia let her tears flow. Her mother was all she had left aside from Chloe; the only person aside from her daughter who loved her unconditionally. She missed her father so much in that moment and had never truly felt more alone. Her mom died an hour after Julia had arrived.

Her mom made her remember just how much she still loved her father and how much she and her father had loved each other. She was his princess, his whole world until the day a stroke claimed him all-too soon. Just before Julia's twenty-second birthday. God, she wished every second since that she'd had more time with him.

But Chloe...she hated to even admit that her mom was right. What if she was actually doing the wrong thing in denying Nick the chance to know that he had a newborn daughter? What if she were causing him and Chloe more harm than good in denying them the chance to know each other?

If she tried to say that she hadn't imagined what it would be like to introduce them she'd be lying. She'd wanted nothing but, for so long. But Nick and she...they were from different worlds, and in spite of the fact that she was so grateful to him that he'd given her the gift of a lifetime, nothing would change that.

Still, Nick had been so set on Olivia and for all she knew he still was. Especially since David was no longer a factor.

"No. You can't think like that."

"...you were Jonathan's life up until the day he died... give Chloe the chance to know her father."

Lovingly, she buried her face in a sleeping Chloe's hair and inhaled her beautiful, sweet scent, simultaneously wondering if she would ever get over smelling her daughter and laughed to herself. Gentle as a breeze, Julia kissed her daughter's head before she lay her down in the crib and rubbed her tummy before she walked out of the room and picked up the monitor on the table in the hall before she went down the stairs.

A moment later she entered the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, standing there for a moment before she caught sight of a tub of strawberries she'd rinsed the day before and grabbed them. Greedily eating them as she sat at the island counter.

Maybe it was time to get back to life. As much as she wanted to stay here in Connecticut at her childhood home feeling close to her mother and father, she knew she had to go.

"Alright mom, you win. I'll tell him. But you can't expect goodness out of every situation…

...

Olivia stood over the kitchen counter eating from a bowl of strawberries as she fixed Sophia's lunch. Finishing up, she put the fruit and cheese back in the refrigerator and stared at a picture of David, her and the girls this past Christmas in Aspen that was on the fridge. She couldn't ski of course, being seven months pregnant at the time, and huge. But they had such a good time otherwise. It was the girls christmas holiday and she wanted this time to be magical for them; she and David both did. With his parents there, they had a spectacular holiday. Even if Nick was the man she longed to be with.

"Don't!" She told herself when she realized that every part of their, her and David's life had been a lie. "Youdeserved so much better thanme; so much better than having just a piece of my heart when you gave all of yours so unconditionally…" she wiped the tears that quickly flooded her eyes. "I just wish that-" she started to say when the housekeeper walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, Ms. Benson, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were in here.

Wiping her eyes, "please, it's Olivia. " She said as she walked away from the fridge and back to the counter where she finished assembling the soon-to-be grilled cheese sandwich. "...and please, don't apologize."

"Yes ma'am- Olivia." And she smiled nervously. She still didn't know how she should be around this woman. "I was just leaving for today. Do you need anything else before I go?"

"No. Thank you…" Olivia said, "I'll see you on thursday." She told Maya as she left through the back door in the kitchen.

Moments later, Olivia knocked at Sophia's room and walked in carrying a tray.

"Soph, baby…"

Sophia just lay listlessly across the bed. "I'm not hungry. She said as Olivia sat the tray down, feeling no better to be reminded.

"I know. Just eat a bit, for me?" She begged and sat down. "Comeon, sit up."

Sophia sighed heavily. She just wanted to be left alone with her feelings, but she guess that being seven, she didn't have much of a choice. So, wiping the tears that she lay there and cried involuntarily, she turned over and tried to sit up. Thankfully she had her mother's help.

Olivia propped her up against the pillows then sat the tray across her lap. Grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup and sliced strawberries.

Olivia took the napkin that was on the tray and unfolded it over Sophia, trying to avoid looking into the child's eyes. She knew the pain and sadness that lived there and knew equally that she couldn't afford to let it take her down that road. Even if all of it was my fault, she thought and began to feed Sophia, the child reluctantly taking spoons of soup.

A few spoons in and Sophia looked up at her mother.

"Mommy?"

To say Olivia was shocked! This was the most Sophia ever talked to anyone in weeks. "Yeah Baby?"

With tears in her eyes, she again went silent for a second as the salty drops ran freely from her eyes and down her cheeks.

"...will I ever stop hurting?" She sobbed. Olivia took the tray, putting it aside and took her daughter in her arms.

"You will," she kissed her head and rocked her. "...I promise you will, my sweet girl.

…

"Mr. Answari, got a list of the brokers Thomas did business with." Nick told Fin as he entered the squad room and threw an envelope down on Fin's desk.

"Do I wanna know how he got this?" Fin asked as he picked up the envelope and unfolded the list."

"Not unless you wanna take yourself out of this investigation." He replied just as his phone rang. He took it from his pocket and looked at the ID display. Julia? "Hey, I gotta take this…" he said and stepped into the lounge area."...Julia, hey. Is everything okay?"

Julia was sitting in her father's study. "Everything's fine, I just…" she took a deep breath. "I was, well I'm going to be in New York this weekend, and I was wondering if you'd like to meet... I should say, could you meet up. I need to talk to you."

"This weekend? Uh, yeah. I could move some things around. What time did you have in mind?"

"Uh…" she quickly ran Chloe's feeding schedule through her head and very quickly came to… "how about 1, Saturday?"

"Okay. I'll see you this weekend, at…"

That's right! She hadn't given him a where, she suddenly remembered. She thought and decided that if she were going to shock him, she'd better make sure that he was somewhere that he'd be able to absorb it.

"How about my place?" And just that fast, she'd done it. She'd put it in motion. No going back now, not even if she was terrified. Still, she wondered if she should risk Nick rejecting Chloe. Not that he'd given her any reason to think he would. But then again, they hadn't exactly discussed the topic of children. They hadn't really discussed much except…

"So that's it; Paris, huh?" Nick said as he put his pants back on.

"3 hours till I take off." She tied her silk robe and skimmed her stomach as she did, smiling at the thought of her little secret.

"I'll miss you."

"You won't… you have Olivia."

"I don't know about that…"

It was the last time she'd seen him. Eight months ago, when Chloe was still inside her although unbeknownst to her father. She wonders if he would have let her go if she'd had the courage to tell him then?

"Mom…you'd better be right about this."

…

At Riker's, Stanley sat by himself in his cell reading a book. Well, trying to. He hadn't been able to get his mind to focus on anything since he'd requested a month ago that Olivia Benson come see him, but still she hadn't.

"So that's what it's like being rich? ...you just ignore anyone who isn't convenient?" Forgetting the fact that he killed her husband and that could be the reason why she won't come see him. Even if he's sent countless letters to her at the precinct. He even tried to call her but was told repeatedly that she's out on maternity leave.

"Shit!" He cursed as he threw his book against the wall by his bunk. It bounced and landed open on the bed as Stanley got up.

Maybe this is it! A voice in his head told him as he paced the small cell. Maybe - "maybe you should shut the hell up!" He yelled, quite angry at the reasonable side of himself.

"Corn, let's go. Your lawyer's here." The corrections officer yelled to him

…

Later at Olivia's...

"...now make sure you lay the diaper properly," Olivia said to Aria. They were in the nursery as Olivia watched over her while she attempted to change baby Theo, who was being a little angel as he stared at his mother.

"I got it." Aria said confidently. And she was doing it, having taken the wet diaper off and cleaned him with the wipes. Now she had gotten a fresh diaper and put it under him while Olivia held his legs.

"Next time, can I try to hold his legs while I do the diapers?" She asked Olivia as she put the powder on him, just the right amount.

"We'll see," Olivia told her as she continued with the diaper change. "You know, it really makes me proud how you're taking such good care of Theo."

"I love him so much. Don't I Theo?" She said to him as she rubbed his belly. She carefully secured the diaper and began fastening his sleeper.

"Good job!" Olivia said proudly as she carefully picked Theo up and cradled him in her arms when Aria was done. "You wanna hold him?"

"Can I?" Aria asked happily. Olivia instructed her to sit down, after which she gently placed baby Theo in his sisters arms. Reminding her to watch his head as he hungrily sucked his thumb.

"Mommy, do you think that daddy is watching over us?" Aria asked as she held Theo's little hand.

"I'd like to think he is."

"Is it okay that I really miss him? I love you and I never want you to go away, but..."

"...you wish he were still here?" Aria nodded, her tears falling that Olivia wiped as she blinked back her own. "I know...and it's okay; don't ever be afraid to show it. You and your sister meant the whole world to him. You two were what he was most proud of.

"Do you think he's still proud of us?"

"Always!" She assured Aria as she wiped the own eyes. Just then, Theo started to whine, no longer satisfied with his thumb and Olivia picked him up from Aria's arms. "I think somebody's hungry." She said as she began to undo her shirt.

"I love you mommy. I'm going to go see if Sophie's woken up yet."

"Want me to come?"

"No. I need some alone time with her." She said, then kissed Olivia's cheek and hugged her shoulders for a long moment. "I feel better." she finally said before she skipped off.

A few minutes later, in the twins room…

"Soph...I brought you a banana." Aria said as she climbed up on Sophia's bed where she lay.

"I don't want it." Sophia said just above a whisper.

"But you love bananas." Aria tried. But Sophia just rolled over.

"Ari, please, just leave me alone." She cried to herself, and it made Aria sad.

"Soph, please tell me what I can do. I hate to see you like this. Just tell me…anything and I'll do it… Please Soph!"

Sophia was quiet for a moment, then without turning to look at Aria, she innocently asked through her tears:

"Can you bring daddy back?"

It went completely still in the room with Aria's pained silence. She didn't know what else to say to her sisters request, and with tears in her voice she uttered,

"No." Then hung her head and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

She walked on, getting to the end of the hall and going down the short staircase. She could hear voices from the living room. It sounded like her mom and uncle Nick. She needed her mom right now but she didn't want to interrupt whatever Olivia was talking about with uncle Nick, and turned the other way. She continued down the hall until she came to the double doors that had been closed since the day of the accident. It was entirely too painful for any of them to go in there, but Aria often came in when she needed to feel close to David, and she needed that now more than ever.

She could physically feel her father all around as she stood there in the dark room, but not in a scary way. It was actually quite comforting as she walked to David's desk and with her heart heavy, she climbed into his big comfy chair and tears began to fall from her eyes. She wasn't mad. She didn't know how to put into words what she was feeling, but it wasn't that. She couldn't express it but she knew that Sophia hadn't meant to hurt her with what she said. She just wanted their father; so did she and that's where the hurt came from. She was...angry! Angry at the man who had hit their car that day and caused her daddy to fall into a coma that he'd never recover from. She was angry at David for dying. Her mama said that he was still with them, not in the actual sense but right now, she really needed him here. She'd seen how Sophia had fallen apart from this, and saw that even though her mother tried so hard not to show it, if Olivia didn't have the three of them to care for she'd fall apart too.

But Aria, she had to be okay. She had to show her mom that she could lean on her right now, so she decided that she would be okay. But man, right now she didn't feel okay. Right now, she just wanted to cry.

...

With tears in her eyes, she shifted, pulling her feet up under her in the chair and lay down, resting her head on the armrest. She loved the way the chair smelled like David. She'd give anything to bury her head into his shoulder right now she thought. And crying silently, she went to sleep in what felt like the comfort of her daddy's arms.

"...he's gotten so big!" Nick smiled. He felt an odd sense of pride as he looked at Theo who was busy feeding from Olivia.

"He eats enough."

"So I see." He laughed. "...the girls okay?"

"Yeah...they're um… Soph, she talked to me for the first time in weeks."

"That must've taken a load off of you."

"It did." She smiled nervously. God, will I ever stop wanting this man? I'm mourning my husband, but all i want right now… "So, what brought you here? It couldn't have been just to ask about the kids."

He was so busy staring at her, he almost missed hearing her. "I...uh…Amanda" he said, shaking some sense into his head. You can't Nick… "I got a list from Mr. Answari," he said, taking the now folded paper from the pocket of his suit jacket. "...it's a bunch of the brokers that Kirkland was known to do business with."

Olivia was looking it over. "Where did he get this?"

"Come on Liv, I can't tell you that."

"Just tell me you're not involved in anything illegal,"

"Me? No." He said, thinking back to last summer when he was so angry over what he knew that Thomas had done to Amanda that he'd had him killed. "...but I can't speak for others, and really, I don't care. As long as Amanda's found safe in the end, that's all that matters."

…

Amanda

Since that day a month ago when he'd knocked my tooth out, after the dentist had to do the pretty nasty work of cutting open my gums to pry out the bottom half of the tooth before giving me a root canal, I was too scared to anger him again.

I still remember that day. I was in serious pain, and Damian took full advantage. He had the power and wouldn't allow me a single thing for my discomfort, not even an aspirin

"I tried to make it easier for you, Amanda," he'd said, keeping his voice ever so soothing. He knew how it hurt me so much to hear my name. "...but, since you want to play things the hard way, very well. We'll do them the hard way…"

He didn't give me another drop of heroin from that day. And even now I wondered what he meant by "...the hard way."

I wiped the water from my face as my head came up out of the water. I tried to drown myself in the bathtub but damnit, my body wouldn't let me. My need to breathe would always propel me back to the surface. Hell, it was a tub. Unless I had something to hold me down, I had to face that I wasn't going to die that way. It was a few moments later when one of the maids entered the bathroom and said in her very broken English:

"Meester Damian, he want you take now!"

She was holding out to me, a pregnancy test and my heart dropped into my stomach. Since Damian told me about his sickening plans, I had constantly been hoping, praying beyond faith that I wouldn't become pregnant. But it's been a month and all I can do now with her standing here holding a test is continue to pray that I haven't conceived! Not that God has been present these last few months...or kind. But still, I prayed as I stood up, ending my bath and began drying off with a large bath sheet. I had to think fast.

"Could I finish my bath fir-"

"...you take now!" She insisted, leaving no room for arguments.

Damn it! I thought as I nervously took the test from her hand with a sigh.

"Well then, can I have some pri-"

"No, no. I stay. Watch you." She said, again in her broken english. This incensed me but I didn't let it show. Instead, I kept the look; the one that outwardly said that everything was fine, while inside I screamed. I kept that look on my face as I dropped the towel and it went tumbling to my feet in a fluffy heap.

As I stepped out of the towel and went towards the toilet that was behind a door on the other side of the room, I cursed this woman in my head. I cursed Damian, I cursed my former master- everyone that led me to this life. Thomas, I cursed most of all. He must be loving this whole 'lying his ass off about not knowing where I was, thing.' I thought as I sat, spread my legs and waited for a stream of urine to splash the stick. The maid stood there in the doorway, watching, true to her word. Was I crazy or were her eyes lingering a bit too long over my breasts? Slowly I turned my eyes up and there she was, for sure her eyes were literally trained there, on my nipples which were standing at attention, but when she noticed my gaze she quickly averted hers to another place.

As we then waited for the result, I looked on nervously as I continued to think. I know what I have to do if I am…I said to myself all the while thinking about the baby I'd aborted not too long ago. Forever thinking that if I had kept it, I wouldn't be in this situation. But I couldn't do that; I couldn't have kept that baby any more than I can keep this one… even though this time, it's for much different reasons.

Downstairs, there was a knock at Damian's office door. Without yet looking up from the computer, he ordered the maid who was just upstairs with Amanda, to come in. Without a would, she lay the test upon the desk and left.

Damian quickly looked at the test strip from where he was sitting before he reached out to pick it up. He looked at it carefully before he put it down and took his cell phone from his pocket and dialed a number.

"It's Damian. I need you to come out…"

...

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