Maura stays over at Jane's sometimes. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes it's not. They're comfortable together, like an old married couple, unlike any of their parents'. And sometimes Maura thinks it would be easier. Better. To be married. To Jane. Maura can't think of a single person who knows her better or treats her better. She can't think of anyone she could ever trust more.
But it's late and she's tired. Jane runs her fingers over Maura's torso, where it rests on her lap.
"I'm gonna shower. I'll get you a fresh towel."
This is as close as an invitation Maura ever gets, and she knows it's because Jane only has the one bed, the one bedroom, that she doesn't want to implicitly ask if Maura wants to stay over. She doesn't want to definitively ask Maura to stay over. She just wants Maura to stay, and not have to talk about it. Maura nods and sits up, letting Jane get up off the couch. Maura always asks Jane, and they still always end up in the same bed.
Jane leaves the shower on, twists it that quarter inch to the right so it's the temperature Maura likes better. She brushes her teeth as Maura starts to get undressed, and it's almost insulting how casual she is with Maura's nudity. Jane leans against the counter, toweling her hair, watching Maura disinterestedly as she showers, eyes fixed on movement rather than Maura's body. It should be daunting but instead it's familiar. Jane leaves and comes back with something for Maura to sleep in, dressed in her own sleepwear, yawning. Jane is the only person who could get away with yawning while Maura is nude. Maura eyes her; she looks tired, her face slack and expressionless. When Maura turns off the tap, Jane holds out a towel, then heads for the bedroom.
Maura had found herself attracted to Tommy and Frankie. She'd found herself attracted to Giovanni. But when it came down to it, she had a type. And each of them had ticked almost every box. Exquisite bone structure, Italian-American, attractive. But something had been missing.
Jane had exquisite bone structure, is Italian-American, is attractive. But she is interesting. In a way the others weren't. There were very few people Maura could spend even an hour with before becoming uncomfortable or overly aware of her own sentences, the space her body took up. Maura could and had spent days with Jane, spent hours with her without noticing the passage of time. And in the bedroom, Jane's bedroom, they might continue their earlier conversation, or they might not. But it wouldn't matter either way, because it would be comfortable. Maura shakes her head, dislodging her thoughts. If only Jane was attracted to women, if only Maura was a man. They'd have been married years ago, if so.
But Jane is a woman, and Maura is a woman, and they don't date women. Maura can't remember why she doesn't; Constance and Arthur have both told Maura they only want her to be happy, and Paddy and Hope had both assumed Maura was already dating Jane. But she isn't, and right now she can't remember why she isn't. She pulls on the pyjamas slowly; they're soft and smell like Jane's detergent. She joins Jane in the bedroom, Jane already under the covers, holding them up for Maura, sliding her body in behind Maura's, a casual arm slung over Maura to pull her close.
Maura can feel her heart pounding. This realisation, these thoughts - none of them are new. But every time they bring up same-sex attraction, Jane acts as though it's not something she wants. She'll hold Maura as a decoy for Giovanni, even at her highschool reunion, but she pushes her away just as fast, and it hurts. It stings. It makes Maura feel like she's not good enough, and she's already had a lifetime of that.
"What's up?" Jane asks, sounding concerned, and Maura realises that she's crying.
"Long day," Maura says. Which is technically true, so she doesn't have to worry about hives.
"Oh," Jane says, tightening her arm around Maura. "Do you think... do you think it's weird that we sleep together?" Jane asks, and her voice is small and insecure.
"No, but only because I enjoy it."
"I do too," Jane says, sounding reassured. "But it's not normal, right?"
"Neither is being shot at or targeted by serial killers, Jane," Maura says sensibly. "If this makes you feel safe, if this helps you sleep, then normal is overrated."
"I mean..." Jane sighs, sounding a little frustrated, like she can't quite form the actual question she's trying to ask. "If I liked women, I'd know by now, wouldn't I?" Jane asks, and she sounds lost.
"Not necessarily," Maura says. She's done some research. "Children in Catholic families tend to repress anything that might get their family excommunicated. Or avoid actively thinking about anything 'sinful'." Maura rolls over to face Jane. "The average age for someone in our generation to come out is in their thirties. Society has changed a lot since we were kids, it's more acceptable, and people grow away from their family's religion as they age."
"Oh," Jane says, the way she does when Mara gives her researched facts she wasn't expecting.
"Is there any particular reason you're asking this question?"
"Maybe... maybe the idea of being attracted to women - especially after the men I've dated - maybe it seems like it might be..."
Maura nodded. "I have a friend, Hortensia. She's single, and I've been trying to find someone to set her up with. I think you'll like her."
"I say I might... and you're already setting me up on a blind date?"
"She's smart, gorgeous, works with multiple charities."
"So she's like you?"
"Well, no. She's socially adept. But I think you'll like her."
"I don't think I will," Jane says, letting her fingers brush the back of Maura's ribs, arm still slung over her. "I think I like my women a little less socially adept."
Maura's aware that this is a normal night, that Jane and her in bed is normal, that Jane touching her like this is normal, but her breath catches anyway. When she looks up, the teasing look in Jane's eye is replaced with concern.
"Unless you don't... I thought you might... Christ, I'm sorry." Jane pulls away and is out of the bed in a single motion, before Maura can even reach for her. "I'll take the couch," Jane says, her face red.
"You will not," Maura says sternly. "Get back here." Jane approaches the bed almost shyly, slips back in and holds herself stiffly away from Maura. "If I minded I'd leave. I'm not going anywhere." Jane nods, and Maura can still feel the mortification coming off her in waves so she moves forward, catches Jane in her arms. "I've always loved your exquisite long bones," Maura mumbles into Jane's hair.
"Good, because they're yours. I'm yours." Jane's voice is soft, and she completes the circuit by bringing her arm up around Maura as well. "If you want," Jane adds, sounding insecure again.
"Jane, we're pretty much married," Maura laughs. "Of course I want," she says more seriously. "You're all I want."
"Married?" Jane asks.
"When was the last time we spent a night apart?" Maura asks. "Had dinner alone, seriously dated someone else? We're pretty much an old married couple."
"Ma said as much too... geez, how'd I miss this?"
"You're an excellent detective, but terrible at introspection," Maura says. Jane mulls that over for a moment. "And you're terrible about telling the people in your life how you feel about them," Maura hints.
"You know I love you though," Jane pouts. "You know I do. More than anyone."
"It's nice to hear," Maura says.
"Always wanted myself a wife," Jane muses, rubbing Maura's shoulderblade. "Never thought I'd get one prettier'n me."
Notes:
Once again, another one shot.