"You mean she didn't tell you…" Rae trails off.
Her eyebrows are scrunching together and Finn can't help but feel lost all over again. This is why he didn't talk, why he didn't get involved in things like conversations and new people. As soon as he thought he had something figured out it all got fucked again. He feels it in his breathing and joints of his fingers, something else made Rae stay away. Beyond Chloe's demand, there's something he's not seeing. Something she thought he already saw.
"Didn't tell me what?"
It feels like hours of just standing there, his excitement and eagerness that drove him here have since dissipated, leaving him deflated. Since the words left his mouth he felt his shoulders slump and his bones lose their weight. He fucked it up, he can tell by the look on her face. It's almost pity but mostly sadness, like what she's about to say is just going to solidify this Rae-less existence they've all been living in.
"What did she tell you?" She finally asks, straightening her shoulders like none of this even matters to her.
"Ju-just that you said she don't deserve me, then she made you stop talkin' to us." Finn stammers, knowing none of his words will change anything but hoping they will.
Rae smiles to herself and shakes her head. She looks down at her feet and fiddles with her hands. Finn knows she's trying to convince herself of something right now. There's a war of should she or shouldn't she, Finn doesn't even have to see her eyes to know. He's seen her like this before, he's noticed how she is when she thinks. He doesn't know everything that goes on in her head, not even close. He wishes he did though, wishes he could read her as easily as she reads her books, reads into song lyrics, reads the people around her, reads him.
He doesn't push her, just waits. As much as he wants to be hitting a punching bag at the gym, storming after a football, or smacking himself upside the head for starting another hopeless conversation, he stands as close to still as he can. There might be a bouncing starting at his heels but his nerves can't help that. The unknown is scaring him and he doesn't want to be here just as much as he does. He wants to figure this out, figure her out, figure them out. Well the gang. He wants things to go back to how they were during the summer, before the rave and that stupid kiss. He wants to go back but he can't so he convinces himself going forward is necessary.
"I'm mental." Rae finally says, eyes still on the ground.
"You're not! Shit happened but the gang misses ya. They'll understand it wasn't you."
"No, Finn. I am mental." Her eyes find his like they're trying to push the meaning that's hidden behind that sentence. She searches his face and when she comes up with nothing she continues. "Those scars on my legs…ya saw them at the pool party, I'm sure…they're…I did that Finn. I did that to myself. I do things like that. I'm mental. I was in a mental home for four months, got out just before I met the gang. I thought that's what Chloe told you, thought she found my diary but she only found a page a ripped out."
He stopped bouncing the second time she said mental, stopped breathing when she mentioned her scars, stopped feeling his limbs a little after that. There's words he wants to say but none of them seem right, they're too small. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't ready for something bigger than him, than the gang, than stupid college drama and rows between mates. None of the words in his vocabulary are big enough or important enough for this.
All he can think is how he didn't see it before. How none of them knew. Rae is strong, she's stronger than all of them put together. She's the one they put their weight on, the one they go to with their stupid problems and she's always there. Or at least she used to be. She'd be there, say the right words or just hold you when you need to be held. Rae was fighting something so much bigger and never told them, never let them get near it. She was hurting and even through that hurt she was there for them, taking care of everyone else.
"See? It doesn't matter what happened with me and Chloe. I miss the gang but I'm mental and you don't want a mental case around you lot." she says before turning and going back into her house, closing the door behind her.
The sound of the door closing echoes along with all the words Finn just heard. He's not big enough for this, not strong enough, not enough. The right words, the right actions, the right things, they're not in him. He's not Chop with his jokes, Archie with his history lessons and wisdom, Izzy with her optimism and cheer, or Rae with her strength. He's just Finn, the grumpy sod with a leather jacket, scooter, and decent record collection.
The next day at college goes by painfully slow yet too fast all at once. All Finn can think about is what he should have said, should have done, instead of just leaving Rae's. He could have knocked on the door again, told her she was wrong about the gang not wanting her around, said that mental or not she was their mate and they care about her. But no, he went home and cried. Cried about who he is, how he's not what Rae needs in a mate, that he was too blind to even notice her hurting. He sees her a couple of times in the halls but he looks away as soon as she looks back at him. He failed her and the gang. All Finn wanted was to make the gang the gang again but instead he pushed the divide between himself and Rae even wider.
That's why while he's sitting at lunch with Archie and Izzy, waiting for Chop to show up, Finn refuses to mention yesterday. Doesn't want to bring up what Chloe told him, what Rae told him, doesn't want to admit that he may have made Rae even less likely to come back to them. They don't ask, they have no reason to. Last they heard, Rae refused to talk to Finn in the toilets. That's all they have and that's all he's going to give.
"This is bollocks." Chop says as he gets to the table.
Everyone looks up at him, surprised that he even feels the need to voice what they already know. Izzy just gives a small smile, it doesn't reach her eyes though. She may have taken this the hardest. Sure everyone misses Rae, missed Chloe for a bit too, but Rae was different. Izzy lost the only girls in the group, the two people she'd gossip to in the toilets and talk about girl things with. She likes the gang but the lads know they don't make up for the girls.
"You said…Rae was in the disabled toilet? The out of order one?" Izzy asks, looking a bit hopeful.
"Yeah." Finn breathes.
And without a word Izzy gets up and leaves the caf. The lads all look after her but none of them get up. They've gotten used to the girls walking away, at least this time they're sure Izzy will come back.
He must've told the gang, she knows it. She knows that's why he won't look at her in the hallways, why he didn't say anything at hers yesterday. He couldn't believe what she was saying, had to tell the gang so they'd stay away from her too. Rae couldn't stand the idea of them looking at her differently, that's why she's eating in the disabled toilet today. She was relieved the first couple of weeks of college, thinking she wouldn't be that girl. She may be mental and she may be fat and she may have no friends but she could still eat lunch at a table by herself. She wasn't going to be the kind of girl who locked herself in a bathroom and ate her sandwich perched on a porcelain thrown. Well, that resolve lasted real long, didn't it.
She's about three bites into her sandwich when she hears the door start to open. Her shoulders tense, the bread of her sandwich almost tearing under the pressure of her fingers. It can't be Finn, not again. Unless he feels the need to clarify that he absolutely wants nothing to do with her, drive the message home.
But it's not Finn, it's Izzy. Her red hair is back in a braid and she's wearing her denim overalls, a pink crop top underneath. Beyond all that, her signature Izzy cheer is missing. There's no smile, no bubbly happiness popping around her. She looks how Rae feels. Alone, sad, defeated. There's a pain in Rae's chest, there always is. It's dulled out, become manageable. It's a constant, like breathing. Ever since losing the gang it's been there but she's gotten used to it. Now, seeing Izzy so unlike Izzy, the pain is worse. It's an ice pick shooting through quickly before removing itself, then shooting through again. Removing itself. Shooting through. Removing. Shooting. Removing.
"Rae?" Izzy asks as she closes the door.
Shooting.
"I know, ya don't wanna see me, see any of us really, but…" her voice is shaky, like she's holding back tears. Like this hurts her too.
Removing.
"I miss ya Rae. The lads do too but, Rae…I miss ya." there's a shine in her eyes but she keeps blinking it back.
Shooting.
"I don't know what I did…" a tear escapes, lands on her pink crop top. Then another falls and lands on her overalls.
"You…" Rae's own voice is pitchy and strained. "You didn't do anything Iz. Really, you lot are better off without me. I'm sure Finn told you."
"Don't." Izzy shakes her head. "This isn't Finn, this isn't Chloe, this isn' Chop or Archie. This is me. I don't know what you think, but I guarantee I am not better off without ya. I can't give the lads makeovers, for starters. And I can't talk about the stupid things Chop does that annoy me with the lads. That's girl time in the toilets, but I don't have any girls to drag me to the toilets anymore. Just one that I had to chase in here to even get her to talk to me."
Rae should have known Finn wouldn't tell them, but she's not sure what she knows. Seeing Izzy, strong, sweet, bright Izzy crying because of something Rae did, is continuing to do, it reminds Rae that she doesn't know everything. Maybe the gang does miss her.
"I'm sorry Iz. I fucked up. I thought…I'm not well Izzy, I just didn't want to bother the gang. Thought you lot wouldn't want me around if I wasn't well." Rae wipes at her cheeks. They're wet.
Izzy moves into the stall with Rae and wraps her arms around Rae's neck. She just holds her, doesn't say anything because Rae's tears haven't stopped and her body is shaking. She feels Izzy's hand stroking the back of her head and it makes the tears come even faster, makes Rae's body shake to push them out.
"It's okay, Rae. We love you, well or not. Happy or not. As long as you're Rae, we want you around. Always. I'm here for you." Izzy whispers, holding Rae a little tighter.