"How about we make rules" Derek suggested taking a slice of pizza out of the box.
"Are you going to stick to them this time or am I just going to waste my time?" Addison asked seeing as he failed to stick to the 'no seeing Meredith' rule
"I guess I deserved that." Derek begrudgingly admitted, the fact that Addison's voice had cracked in therapy showed just how much pain him meeting up with Meredith had caused her.
A part of him had to wonder if seeing him kiss Meredith hurt more or less than walking in on her and Mark, he had to assume less because he hadn't actually slept with Meredith, but from the look on her face maybe it was about the same.
"You kissed her Derek, you kept seeing her, and you kissed her... I know I agreed to the whole friendship thing, but I didn't think-" she didn't think he would kiss her or see her outside the hospital.
"I'm sorry," Derek responded, the sad thing was Addison couldn't tell if he meant it or not.
"You kissed her on Saturday after I spent Friday night with Mark in surgery. Was it- was there a part of you that was trying to punish me?" Addison questioned, it was a stupid question because whichever answer Derek gave would start a fight, if he said yes that seeing Meredith was deliberate attempt to hurt her then he wasn't the man she thought he was, it would be devastating and cruel in a way Addison didn't know Derek was capable of being.
However if he said no that would mean that he hadn't even thought about her or how she would feel, that being with Grey was the only thing on his mind, Addison wasn't a factor when he began seeing Meredith, and somehow that was worse. "Forget it we can start; rule one; no seeing the exes and no putting yourself in a situation that you know the other person wouldn't like."
Derek was grateful Addison decided to let the issue slide and move on to safer topic because he really didn't know what his answer would have been; was he trying to punish her by still seeing Meredith?
Was Meredith payback for what she done with Mark, she didn't feel like payback, he'd fallen for her, he'd fallen for the girl at the bar, the intern, his 'breath of fresh air' but he hadn't exactly fallen out of love with Addison either, maybe out of like or into hate if that was a thing, but he hadn't fallen out of love because if he had… If he had he won't stay awake wondering where she was, he wouldn't look at the surgical list to see what her day looked like, he wouldn't sneak into the viewing room to watch her work before running away feeling both angry and proud that Addison was there trying to win him back.
Derek wasn't ready to deal with all this, he just wanted to keep the fragile peace he had right now, "No keeping things bottle inside, I would say no passive aggressiveness, but that would be like asking you not to breathe."
"Said the pot to the kettle, that entire statement was passive-aggressive." Addison shot back grabbing her own slice, unlike her husband she actually had a plate to put it on instead of just holding it. "No ignoring each other; every question gets some type of answer or acknowledgement."
Derek found it hard to agree to that one, ignoring half the thing Addison said during the day was the only way he knew how to be around her, but even he could admit that it was a bad habit that he had fallen into, if he wanted to make this situation work something needed to change.
"Okay as so long as we have a rule not to talk about our issues at work, church and state. No more arguing with each other about Mark or Meredith, no more nurses gossiping about us or having Richard looking like we've killed his puppy just because we can't get along."
"What you don't like it when the nurses follow you and Grey around just to have something to talk about?" Addison gasped her lips twitching in amusement.
"No can't say I enjoy being stalked around the hospital."
"Honestly I am tired of everyone knowing our business so 'Church and State.'" She continued sharing a sweet moment with Derek before getting back to business, for once it felt like they were on the same team. "No more name-calling, you don't get to call me Satan, the adulteress or the whore, the slut, the bitch who slept with my best friend, or McSlut or any of those nicknames you been using" Addison continued naming a fair few of the things Derek had called her since she'd been here.
"I haven't."
"You have." Addison cut in, picking the mushrooms of the pizza, she didn't mind that the pizza was loaded with artery-clogging oils or that the pizza amounted to her daily caloric intake and she was having it for breakfast…. she just hated mushrooms, it was a fungus, people were eating fungus.
"I didn't even- I'm sorry" Derek apologised reaching out and placing his hands on top of hers and squeezing it, luckily she didn't pull her hands away. Derek was about to ask why she hadn't said something then realised that she probably had been trying, she'd been trying, she moved her and she was trying while he'd been… "No more name-calling, it doesn't even have to be a rule. Guess you are right when you call me a crappy husband."
"I am right about a lot of things, you just don't like listening to me, your turn, make a rule."
"I can't think of one" Derek confessed, reaching over to take all the mushrooms Addison had put aside like he always did for her.
She hated mushrooms, he loved them, it was their ritual.
"You have to say you love me," Addison said, "At least once a week, no once every three days" Addison amended.
"That can't be a rule."
"Says who? This is meant to be new rules for us to be better, to move forward and we've stopped saying it, I say it all the time, but you don't, maybe if you start saying it, you would realise that you still love me."
"Are you trying to trick me into saying that I love you?"
"I'm not trying to trick you into anything I'm just- fine forget it, stupid rule."
"….Once every three days but in return, I want complete honesty about everything."
"Are you sure you want to pull on that particular thread?" Addison asked, "Because the last time I check you were the one lying to me plus complete honesty can be hazardous, especially with us."
"Complete honesty," Derek repeated letting the dig go.
"No matter the consequence." She agreed, if he could do it so could she, "No bringing up the exes in a fight if it's not relevant, your response to me asking you to not bring trout into the trailer cannot be the fact that I slept with Mark."
"I thought you said I-"
"Not anymore, plus that was predicated on you actually forgiving me so no more bringing up Mark and in return, I won't bring up the fact that you were still seeing and kissing the slutty intern when you said you'd stop."
It was clear that Derek wanted to say something in response to the slutty intern remark, but surprisingly, he let it go, "Okay no throwing our mistakes in each other faces." He wrote down, "You come fishing with me once a month."
"No!"
"Yes" Derek ignored the look of horror on Addison's face, she hadn't been fishing Addison couldn't say she hated something that she had never tried.
He could go fishing with her, he wanted to go fishing with her and not even as some sort of twisted punishment; hopefully, if she came with him she could appreciate it, it might also cause fewer arguments.
"No. I am already living in a shoebox trailer; you are not turning me into the fisher man's wife."
"You are already a fisher's man wife." Derek shot out and just like expected Addison grimace at the reminder that instead of living in a fancy brownstone in uptown New York, she was now living in a 'prison cell' as she called it. "I know you don't like it, but I'm trying here. In return, you get to make me do one thing that you like."
"But fishing?" Addison sulked, he must really hate her.
"It won't be that bad."
"Sure not bad just what I asked for in my prayers 'a not bad experience with my husband'" the words may have come out sarcastic but she had actually prayed for a day with an 'okay experience' with Derek; where he didn't even hate her, the universe really had a twisted sense of humour if they chose fishing of all things.
"First of all, you don't pray, and secondly, you know how much I like fishing. I am here trying to include you, it's just one day a month, I thought you would at least appreciate the fact that I'm asking you to come but if you are going to moan and complain about it-"
Marriage was about compromise Addison reminded herself giving in, "Fine. You are right, it won't kill me to go fishing as long as you keep your promise of doing what I like."
"What, go shopping, or maybe we have a spa day, or maybe you want me to book the penthouse suite at the Ritz Carlton, so we have all the space you want." Derek mocked before noticing the tiniest look of hurt on Addie's face.
"Volunteering, you have to come with me on Saturday to my battered women shelter." Addison swallowed, trying to push back the hurt feelings, she couldn't exactly be offended by his characterisation of her because she did want those things.
She wanted to go shopping with him or have a spa-day and spending the day in a five-star hotel, not staying in this trailer sounded heavenly so she really shouldn't be hurt that he guess those things about her.
"I didn't mean it like that" Derek apologised, except he had before he saw the way her lips pressed together into a thin line, he had meant it like that.
"It's fine, all those things do actually sound nice" Addison waved of his semi-apology taking another bite of the 'meat-lover' pizza.
"Since when do you volunteer?" Derek asked, recollecting all the things he'd seen Addie do, and volunteering wasn't one of them, the closet they had ever come to charity was when they donated money to whatever cause was being raised by their hospital.
"Since moving to Seattle" Addison bit out, "I have nothing better to do on my weekends, you avoid me, and the only one who wants to hang out is Mark, so I have no one here, no friends, family, book club. I can't just go to Savvy's or pop round to Liz for a catch-up" Addison replied back slowly "Anyway Nancy said I should find something to keep me busy or find something to help me connect to Seattle and there was a flyer at the hospital asking for volunteers, so I joined."
"I…. I didn't know that."
Of course, you didn't because that would require you to pay attention to me Addison thought bitterly "I've only been doing it for a month but as I was saying I'll go fishing if you come volunteering with me, once a month." She finished getting them back on track.
"How about we go on date night more often, once a week" Derek offered, he knew that asking her to move to Seattle was a big deal, forget giving up he practices she'd given up everyone she knew just for him.
"I don't need you to pity me." Addison snapped draining her ginger ale, why the hell didn't the have Vodka in the trailer.
"Could you not." Derek sighed, he hadn't taken offence to the whole tell me you love me rule, so why was she so offended by date night.
"Could you not."
"I'm not trying to pick a fight."
"Tell that to the condescending look on your face."
"Whatever, we have our rules now, we don't have to go on any dates" Derek snapped, angrily shoving the pizza box towards her "I'm taking Doc for a walk feel free to keep pouting."
Things were never easy with Addison even when they were starting to get along she had to just take offence to an imaginary slight against her.
x.x.x.x
Derek came back from walking Doc to hearing plates smashing and Addison cursing up a storm, "What's going on?" Derek asked, taking in the sight of the tiny kitchen, it looked like a bomb had gone off.
Addison was standing barefoot by the stove, a bowl of pancake mix in one hand and a whisk in another, "You are not meant to be back yet, keep walking Doc."
Derek sighed, closing the door leaving Doc outside, he didn't want him to come in and walk on the broken glass. "Addison."
"I was trying to make you something to eat, but this stupid trailer is so small, and the stove doesn't work, and there are eggshells in the batter" Addison frowned scooping out yet another shell.
"Can I ask why you suddenly want to be Martha Stewart after all these years."
"If your mum can't shame me into becoming a Step-Ford wife after sixteen years you can't get far."
"I'm not trying to shame you" Derek corrected walking over and carrying Addison over the mess on the floor and placing her in the booth out of harms way, but not before taking out his phone and snapping a picture of Addison barefoot and 'cooking' Savvy and Weiss would laugh themselves silly over this. "I was just wondering what has inspired this need to cook for me."
"Delete that" Addison ordered, she knew precisely what Derek had planned for that picture. "It's meant to be an apology breakfast, I know you were trying with the whole date night idea; I want us to do it, but I don't want us to do it because you feel sorry for me."
"I wasn't asking because of that-"
"Really?" Addison asked half hopeful, half sceptical watching Derek get the dustpan and brush to sweep up the broken plate.
"That wasn't the only reason. I promised to try, I need to get to know you again. I want to know the Addison who volunteers. If Seattle can change me, it can do the same for you."
Addison blushed witnessing the sincerity on Derek's face she got a warm feeling in the pit of her stomach when he smiled at her like that, she really wanted to kiss him.
"Why don't you?" Derek questioned.
"Why don't I what?"
"Kiss me." Derek felt his lips twitch realising Addison hadn't even realised that she'd spoken aloud, she could be so cute when she didn't even mean to.
Addison brows furrowed she didn't remember saying it aloud, but she must have because Derek's grin was getting even bigger watching her. "Not a single word Shepherd."
"Well if you are not going to kiss me I just have to kiss you." Derek teased leaving the broken plate on the floor as he went to kiss Addison.
"Stop, stop" Addison pulled back after ten minutes "We are going to miss lunch if we keep this up" she reminded him.
"So we miss lunch; you can just buy me an apology lunch at the hospital" Derek mentioned pulling Addison back into the bedroom.
"Wait, wait" Addison called out, putting a stop to the proceedings "This wasn't just an apology meal… I… In the spirit of not keeping things bottled up and telling you my problems I have to tell you that the comment about what I wanted to do on 'my day' that actually hurt me, I know it's something I genuinely want to do but the way you said it. That was you being a dick, you were a dick."
"I know, I know." Derek acknowledges getting serious as well, "It was an arsehole comment to make, and I am sorry for making it, I'll try to stop."
"That's like asking you to stop breathing."
"Passive-aggressive comment." Derek pointed out.
"Well, I am the Queen," Addison smirked.
"That makes me the king."
"Thanks for apologising."
x.x.x
"I don't get married people" Yang stated from their table as the watched the Shepherd's having lunch together, "How can they go from shouting one minute about affairs and rendezvous in the woods to sharing food, isn't she scared that it's poisoned?"
"No idea" Karev agreed, watching Addison drained half of Derek's drink and dropping a peck on his cheek before rushing off. "It's like they'd got body snatched overnight and turned into a functioning couple who have lunch together."
Karev was still baffled, this was the second day in a row that the Shepherds had had lunch together, there had been no argument, bickering or dirty looks and they had even shared a case that morning, both parties were perfectly civil even friendly to one another.
"That's because you two have never been married, never had that privilege, no matter how much you want to strangle them at the end of the day there are still the same person you vowed to love for better or worse" Miranda preached, dropping down the patient file next to Yang's tray, "Now if you are done gossiping and worrying about the Shepherds, Yang you and I are on the Ortho case in about an hour finish up here and meet me in the patient's room in twenty minutes," Bailey ordered leaving again.
"I really thought he would choose Meredith," Yang spoke again, staring over at the Derek.
"You did?"
"You didn't?"
"I… all I really know is marriage is complicated, but he had a choice Meredith or Addison, and he chose Addison."
"Only because they are already married." Yang mentioned remembering the excuse Derek had given Meredith 'she's my wife' not an 'I love her' or 'I want her' but 'she's my wife'.
"Does it matter why he chose Addison, he still chose her"
"Yes but he never stopped seeing Meredith."
Karev had seen all this people, admittedly he'd even done it himself especially at college. Men could really be arseholes. "He's playing them both. Derek chooses Addison but keeps going back to Meredith he knows Addison won't leave because she fucked up the first time and Meredith won't leave because he does his whole McDreamy act on her and she's amazed by his surgical skills that she's not thinking straight."
x.x.x
"So how is it going," Dr Snedal asked at the end of the week, it was only Friday the second of their three therapy session this week, they had another one scheduled mid-day Sunday.
"It had been a stressful week for me at work, but Derek was there, which I appreciated." Addison informed, "We had a date night, and we came up with the rules like you suggested."
"And what about you Derek."
"Addison and I are getting along better. We've agreed to complete honesty about everything, and we've decided to not bring up the past if it's not relevant."
"What about emotionally, where do you two stand."
Addison chose to answer the question for them making sure to smile while doing so, "We are good."
"Really?" Dr Snedal questioned looking at their body language, they were as far from each other as they could be without actually having to move their chairs.
"Yep" Derek agreed, they were a lot closer than before, they had no problem being together.
"I will be blunt if you make me" Dr Snedal warned, he'd taken to doing that, going all 'blunt' in his assessment.
"We are good." Derek insisted. "We've gone on a date this week, and we even had to work together on a case. This coming week is the last week of having Meredith as my intern."
"And you Addison anything to add."
"I liked date night," Addison muttered crossing her legs.
"Okay, I've heard enough."Dr Snedal sighed shaking his head "I'm glad that both of you are physically there for each other, but emotionally you might as well be living on a different planet. Having sex with each other doesn't mean anything if it did no one would be having one-night stands. You two need to be there for each other emotionally.
Derek, you have been physically and emotionally absent from this marriage for years now, and Addison sleeping with your husband's best friend created massive emotional damage to your relationship not only that you need to start trusting Derek with the emotional stuff it's why I've been telling you to talk to him about your problems.
Trust that he would be there to support you.
Being emotionally vulnerable to your spouse is hard, but you two need to start working on opening up.
Also, cut the crap; I'm not buying this whole 'kumbaya' everything is all good facade, I would actually prefer it if you were arguing, at least then you would be telling each other what's wrong."
Writer's thoughts:
Looks like Addison and Derek want to grin and bear it but they aren't fooling a seasoned professional. You can't plaster over the rcracks and pretend that it isn't there but we will see if faking it till they make it will actually work for these two.
