[Warning: Chapter contains some sensitive issues that may trigger some people especially as the topic of abortion is discussed as well as a touch of mental health issues]
"Are you going to tell me what's really going on with you?" Derek asked for the third time this week once he got tired of sitting in silence.
They were here because of her, technically he'd been the one to drag her onto the fishing boat after once she got home from work.
But, they were here because of her. Addison didn't even put up a fight when he suggested that the do this before she packs, if she still wanted to pack her things.
There was a lot of things Addison was doing that she didn't do before, it was more than the sleeping on the couch or the shrugging and scrubbing in to observe other people's surgery…. Addison didn't quit, she never gave up.
Not once, not in the sixteen years, he knew her, not in the elven years of marriage.
There were a few absolute certainties in life, the sun would always come up in the morning, the night will always fall in the evening, and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd never quits, even when she's meant to, even when everyone else would.
Addison doesn't quit or walk away or walk out, so her asking to move out of the trailer was one red flag too many for Derek.
"Nothing" Addison shrugged.
"Addie" Derek chastised, his face doing the usually complicated scowl it did when he wasn't sure which was the best way to get her to open up, force the issue or lay back and let her start talking. It seems he chose the former, "Complete honesty." Derek chose to say reminding her of their rules, the rules which were hard to live by at times but they had both stuck to it as best as they could.
"You're not going to like it."
"I didn't think I would," Derek admitted.
"Say it."
"What?"
"Say the thing," Addison ordered fiddling with the straps on her life jacket, which was another thing she wouldn't normally do.
Fiddle, Derek's wife wasn't a fiddler she has never been if anything Addison would normally clasp her hands together so, she didn't fiddle.
"I'm not saying… It's not an ultimatum, tit for tat" Addison clarified because it needed explaining, "I just- I'm going to say something, and you are going to get mad. Furious even, you'll probably want a divorce definitely a separation."
"Why would-"
"Derek, say it. This may be the last chance for you to say it or for me to hear it because once I start-"
"I love you." Derek cut in, he knew Addison enough to know when she was serious but more than that she knew him enough to always know exactly how he would respond to almost any given situation. So if she was saying that her news would lead to a divorce, then it would. "I'm in love with you, and I should have said it before now."
"Okay, thanks for saying it," Addison replied back smiling over, her hands slowly reaching over to grab him, to connect the two of them.
Addison just wanted to pause this moment, sit in it for as long as she could even if it was on a fishing boat, she was here with Derek on the water watching the sun slowly fade into the horizon. Addison wanted to stay like this for another ten minutes, but it wasn't fair to let Derek wait anymore without finding out the truth.
"I- erm. I don't- I don't think I'm okay, Derek." Addison whispered into the wind knowing that from his position seated next to her he could still catch every syllable out of her mouth. "I, I'm struggling here."
"Addie we-"
"Don't talk. I need you not to say anything until I finished. I… I know I'm meant to be emotionally open with you, be vulnerable. It's just- the thing that is making me feel like I've been flayed alive. It's not something I can talk to you about…. But I should. I'm going to because I need you to understand why I'm moving out. I love you as well, by the way, I don't think I said that."
Derek tried to reach over to hold her hands again, but Addison saw it coming and pulled away, she saw the flash of hurt on his face before he could mask it and while she wanted to make everything better for him, she couldn't.
"On the surface of things me saying I want to move out is because we live in such a tiny cramped metal shoe cupboard, but underneath that, it may have something to do with… I'm… I'm struggling with the fact that I had an abortion."
Derek's mind grounded to a halt, he didn't know what he could say in response to that. What was there to say, Addison had gotten an abortion … "Was it?"
"Mark's, it was Mark's." Addison quickly stressed, there was no way she was going to abort Derek's child without at least telling him beforehand, although a small annoying part of her did pipe up and point out the fact that she did that to Mark.
"Did he force you to?"
"No. Nothing like that." Addison continued rushing to Mark's defence, "He wanted me to keep it. Even went out to buy a baby onesies, I just- I couldn't. I didn't want a child with him, but now I can't... People get abortions all the time, I even recommend it sometime. They were just a bunch of cells, and I didn't even want it so I can't understand the fact why I'm struggling with this. I keep remembering, thinking about it-"
"Are you, do you. I don't even know what to say. What do you even want me to say?" Derek asked harshly, his anger building up now that the information was settling in. "Do you expect me to comfort you because you decided to get rid of Mark's baby?"
"No," Addison sighed, bearing the full brunt of his anger. If Meredith had been pregnant and Derek came to Addison with the issue, she would be just as angry and disgusted by his nerve. "I erm, it's not about the- you wanted to know what was going on with me and this is it. I aborted Mark's baby, and even though I know it's the right decision, I didn't think I will struggle with it this much. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm struggling." Addison stated simply, because that was what it was, or at least she thought that was what it was.
She was shocked that she was shocked, the abortion shouldn't have had such a big impact on her. It wasn't like this was the first time she had one so why was this different?
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, as Derek processed the implication; not only did she cheat, but she became pregnant, she had been pregnant with Mark's child.
The idea, the knowledge of that was an even bigger betrayal than her sleeping with Mark in the first place.
The fact that the two of them could have had a child together…. "I woke up this morning planning on telling you I love you. Do you get that? Do you get what that means. I was willing and ready to forgive you, and I still didn't have the full picture. You would have made me-"
"I didn't make you do anything."
"You came here, asking me to choose between you and Meredith knowing I didn't have all the information I needed."
"Well, if it's information you're looking for then I guess you would want to know that we didn't stop there. Mark and me I mean, it wasn't just a one night stand. I moved in with him, we lived together." Addison continued, her voice came out as tired because that's what she was.
Plus if she was going to confess about the abortion she might as well add in the affair on top of it.
She couldn't handle having to sit Derek down a few months or years down the line and telling him that as well.
"I'm still trying to figure out how a world-renounced, award-winning OBGYN allow herself to get pregnant by a walking STD bank but sure throw in an affair on top of that."
No matter how tired Addison was, she always managed to give as good as she got, or at least she tried to. "I don't know maybe is the same way you thought it was a good idea to have an affair with a first-year intern. People make mistakes." Before Derek could respond and continue this cycle of verbal digs at one another, Addison decided to intervene if only so she could have some peace and quiet for a few minutes. "In the last year or so I have ruined our marriage, had an affair with Mark, got pregnant and had an abortion. Gave up my practices, gave up my life in New York, my friends, our family. I have moved thousands of miles across the country to try and win you back. Gone through a bomb exploding in our place of work and I am living in a sardine can trailer. I am drowning, and I am struggling and I can't- I have no one to talk to, and it's not like I'm going to get any sympathy from anyone else for getting rid of a bunch of cells, and as much as Mark is trying not to show it he hates me for doing it. Out of everything, the only thing I can truly change is where I live, so I'm moving out. You get to decide what happens to us next if you want a divorce I'll give it to you, if you want a separation I'll give you that too. There isn't anything else I can really say to make you feel better, but at least now you know the whole story."
x.x
Derek pulled Doc back and slammed the trailer door behind Addison as she walked out with her suitcase. She was the one who cheated and got pregnant with Mark's child, and now she was walking away like the wounded victim.
Like he had somehow done her a disservice by not standing by her and supporting her, while she dealt with the emotional trauma that came with aborting his best friend's child.
Derek wasn't about to stand there listening for a cab to come up the 'drive way', Addison was no longer his concern.
She could do whatever she wanted, just like he would be doing from now on, walking over to the fridge Derek ignored all the other ingredients in there and just pulled out the vodka swiftly opening the bottle and taking a giant swig out of it.
It tasted horrible, like pure spirit, and while he could have added the tomato juice or the Worcestershire sauce to it to make it into a Bloody Mary, he refused to do that just out of pure pettiness.
Derek had gotten all this for Addison, he had been planning on following Weiss's advice telling Addison he loved her. Derek had all the ingredients to make her favourite cocktails from Screw-drivers to Cosmopolitans and White Russians but now she would never have it.
x.x.
Addison didn't even flinch when the door slammed shut, sure she would like to go back and apologise to Derek, but the likelihood of him accepting the apology or better yet them not devolving into a fight was slim to none.
This, this was as clean of a break up that they were ever going to get, the last time Derek had walked out after finding her sleeping with Mark. And this time Addison had been the one to leave after telling him about the affair and the pregnancy.
If someone was keeping a tally they may call it a draw but Addison felt that she lost both times, she didn't even know what would happen between her and Derek next.
Would he ask for a divorce, was this now a separation? What about couples therapy? Would he even turn up in two days time?
Should she even expect him to or was that her being delusional?
There was a list of things left unsaid and unanswered between the two of them, but Addison couldn't worry about that now because her cab was here ready to take her to the hotel.
She should walk away because there was nothing else left to say. She'd said all she could and Derek had given her his two cents on the matter on the drive back to the trailer before he asked her to leave.
Demanded that she went even, threw her clothes into a suitcase before shoving it at her, it was quite reminiscent of what happened in New York, except this time it wasn't raining and the 'house' wasn't as big.
There was nothing left to do, nothing else left to say, they've done therapy, made rules. Ignored their issues and even confronted their issues.
This was the end of the road, sixteen years of knowing each other, eleven years of being married. Two affairs, pregnancy and an abortion, it was what ended them.
They had a good run, no-one could say that they didn't try... but it just felt wrong.
It felt wrong to give up like this, walking away.
Addison tried to comfort herself with the knowledge that Derek needed time and space to process what she had said, and she needed that as well to get a handle on her mental well-being.
Hell if by some miracle they made it through this, if Derek somehow managed to forgive her they would literally be able to make it through anything.
x.x.x.x
Addison squinted against the harsh light of the morning sun as she crawled out of bed, trying to remember where her last saw her bra.
She remembered ordering a bottle of wine from room service once she got up to her room.
She vaguely remembers calling Mark and telling him that Derek knew everything and pointing out that she was now living in the same hotel as him but apart from that, the rest of the night was a blur.
The most important thing was that she didn't repeat her mistake.
Addison hadn't slept with Mark so she could hold her head up high once she got into work or at least that was what she told herself.
In reality, Addison was dunking around corners and running into rooms to avoid Mark who seemed rather insistent on seeking her out.
"Okay, what is this?" Preston asked. He had waited on the other side of the door for Addison to come out having seen her run into the broom closet.
"Nothing" Addison lied, straightening her lab coat and starting to walk away.
"Really? Cause I saw you run and hide in there when Mark came around the corner, and he was asking about you. Said he's been looking for you all day."
Addison debated lying again, but her and Preston were on friendly terms plus she needed an ally in this hospital. "I may have told Derek the full extent of the one night stand and then told Mark that I told Derek so... I'm trying to avoid both of them, any and all help will be greatly appreciated."
"And by full extent, you mean?"
"Two-month affair resulting in a pregnancy and an abortion," Addison admitted shamefully, after double-checking to make sure there was no one else around who could hear her.
"Oh. I- OH!"
"Less of the shock and surprised look and more paging Mark for random consults, so he doesn't come looking for me," Addison ordered.
"So, Derek…"
"Hates my guts, yes he does. On the bright side, I am no longer living in that trailer I get to enjoy all the creature comfort that the Marriott hotel provides."
"Are you okay?"
"Well, my personal life may be a mess, but professionally I just learnt I have been nominated for the doctor of the year in my field so I'll say fifty-fifty."
"Okay, well if you need me just page," Preston said, placing a comforting hand on Addison's shoulder before walking away.
While Preston may not be physically affectionate with her, Addison didn't doubt that the man at least cared about her well-being.
That statement was further supported by him waiting for her at the end of their shifts to drag her to Joe's for a drink.
x.x.x.x.x.x.
Writer's thought's:
Sorry for being away for so long but this is such a hard chapter to write because of the abortion issue. i know it is a polarising and touchy subject for many people so I was trying to be sensitive to all who may find this issue to be triggering.
Looks like Addek may be going the separate ways for now but at least this time Addison was the one to tell Derek about the baby and the affair who knows if that will make a difference. Can they come back from this? Is there much of a difference between an one night stand and being pregnant, Addison could have become pregnant after just one go.
Did Derek handle this right? Did Addison? What about Mark, what are his thought on this whole situation?
