The news about Addison and Derek's separation came along with the subtlety of a nuclear bomb. That's what it'd felt like watching Derek and Mark going toe to toe because of the affair, pregnancy and the subsequent abortion in the middle of the hospital, just under a month ago.
And like all bombs (nuclear or otherwise) there was a massive fallout; it was felt and seen all the way on the east coast.
The sad, twisted and quite frankly pathetic part of Addison had relished in the fight while it was happening. Finally, Derek was fighting for her, he was punching Mark because of Addison, that joyous feeling had lasted all of five seconds before Derek had blurted out about her abortion.
Addison could track the ripple effect of the fight; the first effect happened seconds later, people had changed their opinion about who she was. She was always going to be that Addison Shepherd who slept with her husband best-friend but now they had added 'got pregnant and aborted a baby' to their internal report whenever they thought of her or described her.
An added effect of people consciously and perhaps unconsciously changing their view of Addison was how her position to be the next Chief of Surgery was hanging on by a razor-thin rope. It wasn't a given, and of course, Richard would never come out and say it, but the hospital and the general board of directors all had an image to protect and to allow a 'baby-killing' adulterer to be their next Chief of Surgery wasn't exactly part of that image.
Three days after the big abortion reveal, Addison had her first significant interview; the interviewer had been well versed in hospital gossip and politics and had made it a point to ask about Addison situation.
It had been a rather vulgar question to ask considering he was meant to ask about Addison surgical accomplishment, but Addison had refused to shield away from it, pregnancies and abortions were part of life; they were a part of her job in fact. She wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction of making her feel ashamed.
Yes, Addison had an affair, and yes she had an abortion. It truly was as simple as that no one man woman or child should be forced to raise a child that they didn't want.
Addison had received a lot of support from the pro-choice demographics of the population, and some hailed her as some modern-day feminist, but a lot more people had ripped into her including Kasey who come back to the hospital to tell Addison how much of a hypocrite she was.
The word hypocrite had been by far the friendliest term in the fourteen-year-old vocabulary which was saying something.
Addison toughened it out because that what Montgomery's do, they weathered the storm, face the public with their heads held high. Still, more importantly, they made a list of friends and foe during any personal crisis to repay the kindness at a later date.
Friends like Preston, Richard, Mark, Karev, Torres and Stevens (surprisingly) the nurses on her ward and her other colleagues. Compared to her 'enemies' like half the internet, that nasty woman who'd tracked Addison down to the hotel to throw her drink on Addison and call her a murderer. Enemies like Derek… Derek was definitely in the enemy column there were no two ways about it, he was back to making Addison's life hell, from serving her divorce papers (which she saw coming) to having the family disinvite her to the gatherings.
Now that had been heart-wrenching it had literally stolen her breath out of her body to hear Nancy say she was unwelcome; as she put it 'Derek won't come if you come so…' never mind that Derek had missed the last nine out of ten birthday parties, anniversary and just general celebration but yeah Addison was uninvited until further notice.
The knowledge that she was also losing a family as well as her husband had been the straw that broke the camel's back, it had literally brought Addison to tears. Nancy hadn't been nasty… well, she hadn't been as nasty as she could have been given the situation, but just the simple statement of fact saying Addison was no longer welcome in her house had done something to her that none of the latte-throwing Pro-lifers hadn't managed to do.
It hurt more than Derek giving her the cold shoulder, hurt more than the gossip and the smear campaign that had been started.
Being told she was unwanted by the Shepherd, people she considered family hurt more than Richard suggestion that Addison takes a few days off to sort out her life. Addison being her usual stubborn self had initially refused not wanting to give Derek the satisfaction but after Savvy found out and threatened to jump on a plane just to 'be there for her and beat some sense into Derek' Addison had no choice but to relent and go watch a game with Preston.
A game which had Addison trending once more but this time for the right reasons, in a case of happenstance or the universe, finally giving her a break Addison was in the right place at the right time to deliver a breach baby.
Addison knew that there was no way Preston could have planned it, but she was still suspicious of him (and the universe in general) right before the lady's water had broken Preston was talking about things turning around for Addison.
Like the wind public opinion was a fickle thing, so Addison wasn't letting the good press get to her head, she was keeping her head down and starting the divorce procedures while simultaneously ignoring the fact that Meredith smelt like Derek's shampoo.
It was very subtle and hidden under layers of perfume, but like a smoker who thought they could conceal the fact they'd been chain-smoking with a piece of gum, Addison could smell the tell-tale signs of Derek's shampoo on Meredith.
Ordinary Addison would have blasted this information far and wide; spilt Derek's little secret (cause he was definitely keeping it a secret) but after the backlash, Addison had received she didn't want to do it.
More importantly, Addison was now living in a post-Derek world, and that included letting Derek do whatever, and whoever he wanted, she was officially moving on with her life.
Addison had created a whole new routine for herself now that her life no longer revolves around getting Derek to forgive her. She went swimming twice a week, had a therapy appointment twice a week, volunteered once a week and spent the remaining two days looking for a new place to live. She was tired of living in a hotel, and while having room service and a turn-down service available to her at the click of her fingers, Addison missed having a home.
"You should wear your hair down or go back and use more make-up" Addison advised signing off on the last of her emails before she made her way to the monthly meetings.
"Excuse me."
"You have a hickey on your neck," she replied staring at the red mark once more, flashes of Derek kissing Meredith against the tree played in her mind yet Addison forced herself to remain calm and professional. "Either way your hair down or go apply some more make-up, that's just my advice you can take it or leave it. Now the meeting is set to last for a few hours so feel free to shadow Dr Patel until I get back."
x.x.
Derek watched Addison hesitate before stepping into the board room; she clearly hadn't expected for him to be the first person to turn up.
She quietly walked over to the coffee station and begun making herself a drink, even with her back to him Derek could predict what was happening. First, she would add some brown sugar to the ceramic cup then add the coffee, take a sip or ten before refilling her cup again.
"Morning"
"Morning" Derek returned stiffly, he didn't trust himself to say anything more the urge to snap at her was still too big.
Addison turned to look over her shoulder to see Derek, to catch a glimpse of him from her prephial, "The lawyers have started the paperwork."
He couldn't do it, Derek still couldn't look at her without feeling nauseous. "I asked them to, it's been a month."
Addison had been pregnant, Mark's baby had been in her the cells multiplying. She'd come back asking for forgiveness knowing, knowing that she had been pregnant with Mark's baby.
There was never a chance with them, Addison was the gynaecologist who didn't want children. There were list and spreadsheet, morning-after pills Addison even tracked her ovulation window just to make sure she never got pregnant.
Then there was the time in Macchu Pichu when they run out of condoms, Addison had trawled through the tiny village they were at looking for the morning-after pill, she'd even been tempted to try a 'herbal remedy' the local say worked.
It hadn't even been twenty-four hours, and Addison had lost her mind over the possibility of being pregnant, that was the moment he'd truly accepted Addison's staunch desire never to have kids, to never get pregnant.
Then she had, she did it… Addison had gotten pregnant, and she waited, waited nearly two months to do something about it.
She hadn't been rushing around banging on doors looking for ways to stop the pregnancy, Addison had waited whether it was day, weeks or even months she had waited, had contemplated the possibilities of having a child.
Derek had gotten into thousands of argument with his wife over the topic; hundred of thousands and every single time she remained firm in her resolve Addison Montgomery didn't want a child. She never wanted to be pregnant, she simply didn't want one.
What she clearly omitted to add was 'with him'. Addison didn't want a child with Derek, she waited to abort Mark's and was even struggling after the fact but with their baby. With theirs, she hadn't even hesitated, hadn't even blinked.
"Just answer me one question; are you happy?"
"With you finally out of my life, how could I not be?."
Addison had spent the last month moving on with her life, making plans to live in a post-Derek world, yet each morning she woke up with his rings on her finger. She still wore them on her left hand, had worn them every single day since Derek gave them to her, "You should probably have these then."
Addison pulled both rings off and walked them over to Derek, placing it on top of his files, before taking a seat at the other end of the table.
There was nothing more to be said between them.
The rest of the day quickly went by every once in a while, Addison was shocked not to find herself wearing her rings, but she hoped she would soon get used to the missing weight.
x.x.x.x
"You have that face again." Mark warned, he and Addison were sat in a booth at Joe's trying to drink the week away. He was trying to drink the week away, she was nursing her ginger ale like it was the last drink of her life.
"At the risk of being sexually harassed, what exactly is my face doing?"
"You look lonely, melancholy."
"How can I be lonely when I have you?" Addison asked, playing along. Mark had really been there for her this month, part of it was him being a good friend and worrying that Addison would fall into some time of depression and the other part was because he loved her.
He may be a born womaniser who was still sleeping with half the women in the hospital, but Mark Sloan loved her. She doubted that he was in love with her, but Addison knew that he loved her, he wanted the best for her, wanted her to be happy.
Mark hadn't wanted to break the news to Addison like this but he couldn't wait any longer, couldn't let her find out another way. "You know, don't you?"
Addison didn't try to feign ignorance, if she knew about Derek and Meredith then, of course, Mark would know. Mark had known Derek for a lot longer than Addison had, the two men grew up together, they knew each other in and out.
"She used his shampoo." She replied explaining how she figured it out. "You?"
"I know what he looks like after he just got laid, I figure it wasn't you, and it wasn't anyone new, so it was the other mistress."
"I'm just going to skip over the first part and ask how you the volunteering thing went."
"Fantastic."
"You hated every minute of it, didn't you?"
"A soup kitchen, I had to have three showers before coming here, and I swear I can still smell the-"
"Hey you're that doctor, aren't you?" Some random woman walked and asked, Addison had been through this way too many times to be remotely bothered by having a stranger walking up to her with a glass of white wine in her hand. It was always a toss-up between a stranger offering her a drink or throwing it on her.
"I know I look like that doctor, but I am just a baker." Addison sighed lying through her teeth. She'd taken to inventing different personas for herself any time someone recognised her; pretending to be a baker was the most relaxing one.
"Oh, I could have sworn…"
"Yeah you and half my customers; I woke up one morning, and people were telling me that I saved some baby's life at a baseball game."
"But I-" the stranger look convinced, but without actual confirmation, it was clear she didn't want to risk potentially attacking/praising an innocent person.
"If you don't mind my wife and I are just trying to have a relaxing drink after a very hectic week." Mark cut in, turning on the charm.
"I, oh yeah. Sorry," the woman clearly didn't know what to do or say next so she simply turned and walked away getting swallowed back into the group she came from.
Addison could picture her going back and reporting that 'no it isn't her, apparently this one just looks like that lady. She's a baker of all things… her husband is hot though.'
"We could get out of here, go find someplace for dinner.
"No, we are staying; I'm just…"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Staying here in Seattle, you can't even go out for a drink without running the risk of come lunatic coming up to you and-"
"I'm not doing this for him" Addison clarified.
"Aren't you? Do you know how worried everyone is, Savvy nearly cancelled her surgery to make sure you are okay? Bizzy called me, Bizzy the woman who tried to make your wedding all about herself called me asking how you were. You don't deserve this Addie so stop punishing yourself, stop letting the world punish you and fight. Get angry, stop rolling over, stop accepting the crappy situation and-"
"A few years ago, I had to tell a woman that the baby she spent months nurturing, loving, growing in her body was dead, late-term miscarriage. We couldn't find a heartbeat(it just wasn't there), now this woman didn't accept it. She made us get three different ultrasound machines, she didn't consent to the surgery. We call her husband, we call psych at one point I even considered calling the lawyers and getting the court involved so I could remove…" Addison swallowed around the words. "My point is that this woman knew her baby was dead, she knew she came to the hospital wanting someone to tell her she was wrong. She fought and fought to the tired, bitter end for something that wasn't there. In the end, she couldn't accept it she ended up taking her own life… I have seen what being in denial does to people, and I don't want that. I am accepting that my marriage is over so that I don't end up killing myself trying to get it back." That was Addison's own personal mantra 'accept that things were over' to not fight for something that no longer existed.
Derek could forgive the affair, he could, but Addison knew her husband there was no way he would ever forgive her for getting pregnant. They could move on and remain civil with one another, but deep down, he would always hold the pregnancy against her from now to the end of the line.
"Derek can sleep with Meredith if he wants, he could move to Japan if he wants, he can do whatever he wants because I am moving on too. My therapist asked me to imagine my life without Derek, and it sucks, it hurts, it fills like my heart is being ripped out of my chest just so someone could toy with it, but you know what… it doesn't feel like death. Being divorced, being separated or whatever I am it hurts, but it doesn't feel like death so I will take the win."
"That your standard, to not feel like death? What sort of compromise is that?" Mark was genuinely trying not to judge Addison for her reaction giving everything she had been dealing with, but he felt disappointed by her reluctance to keep fighting.
"One that keeps me alive and gets me out of bed in the morning and that's the most important thing, I'm going to keep on getting up, do my job and move forward with my life."
"So is the no-sex and no drinking a part of life after Derek cause one I can kind of understand the other is completely unacceptable." Mark teased returning to a lighter topic.
"I'm still not sleeping with you."
"Good, cause I don't plan on getting a wink of sleep, it's been a month you better get on the bike before you forget how to ride."
"No."
"Why not?"
x.x.x.x
Derek wasn't expecting Meredith to be waiting for him in the trailer tonight; she'd already spent last night with him, and they were trying to keep their relationship a secret. "This is a surprise." Derek cheered placing the grocery on the kitchen table and leaning down for a kiss.
"She knows."
"How did she take it?" Derek didn't know why they had to hide their relationship, but if Meredith wanted to keep it a secret for a few more weeks then so be it.
"Not Christina, Addison. Addison knows about us. She asked me to cover up my hickey, she knows Derek."
"... so she knows. It doesn't change a thing, I still want to be with you, and I'm still getting a divorce."
Writer's thoughts:
Looks like Addison and Derek are truly moving on she's returned her rings and has been through one hell of a month and he's back with MEredith
