Tattling is a dark story whose only humour comes from the sheer dissonance between sanity and the perspective of the Loud Family as whole in regards to incest.

Of course; that doesn't have to be the case.

Below are some shorts taking place in a version of Tattling with a tone of pitch black humour rather than anything dramatic or tragic, starting with one where the events of Lincoln's Alone Time were more about Lincoln getting time away from the sisters than possibly chocking the chicken.


Losing his alone time.

"See!" A triumphant Lynn Loud displayed a camera depicting Lincoln 'engaging in relations' with a girl in his room. "He's been doing dirty things in his room!"

"Well that is true, I guess you don't need alone time so badly after all son." Mused Lynn Sr.

"Yeah, and Lynn doesn't need her turn because the girl in the video is her!" Snapped Lori, behind her Luan pointed pulled up a schedule marked with the various girls 'Lincy time'.

"I DIDN'T DO IT WILLINGLY!" Shouted the white top. "Lynn just came in through the vents and made me-"

"Son we talked about this."

"But-"

"Lincoln I am very disappointed in you for lying to us and for avoiding your sisters, don't dig yourself any deeper." His mother warned.

"Yeah Bruh, you're in hot water already," Declared Luna with folded arms. "You've been whingin' for weeks, Lana's been asking why Blarney would go 'there' and why you're blubberin' about it!"

"You can really mess up a girls developing mind if you expose them to that kind of thing!" Declared Rita with hands on her hips

"But what about mine!?" Gasped the aghast [AGE OF CONSENT] year old.

"You're a boy; it's different." Asserted Lynn Sr. "Besides you're like a communal dildo at this point anyway; there's no unpopping that cherry!"

"Speaking of cherries; has anyone gone for the ass yet?" Asked Lynn, bouncing a ball with one foot.

Luna snorted. "My dudes please; those buns've more cleavage than Lori- no shade there by the way sis-"

"Don't make it creepy Luna."

"Sure thing. Anyway I shoved Big Blarney up there first chance I got-"

"IT REALLY HURT!" Declared the [NOT ELEMENTARY] schooler, holding his buttocks in remembered burning. "AND IT'S WHY-"

"Shush brah you know you loved it. As for the rest..." Luna tapped her chin thought. "Well I know Sam's been teaching him how to chow down proper so his mouth is spoken for."

"I got the hands the first time." Confirmed Lori. "Thanks for teaching him to finger the Chello Luna, it literally made things easier."

"No probs sis!"

Luan thought for a moment "I played his thighs like hambone before trying to make a Libby.."

"Oh yeah, how's that goin'?" Inquired the Jock with smirk.

"Great! I'm a week late already!" The Jokester declared with glee. "Guess I'm a 'quick shot' after all! Geddit?"

"Hah, not a bad one that time… but but as quick as me, I got a test this morning!" The Jock caught her ball with one hand and grinned to the room, suddenly clenching pregnancy tests between the fingers of the other . "Six positives; looks like Lynnsanity is FIRST like always!

The rest of the girls reluctantly clapped while the soon to be grandparents clutched each other in joy for their child.

Lincoln just screamed into a pillow.

"Also; I got the feet and just about anythin' else that wasn't taken. Gotta stake my claim after all!"


Setting a record.

In Alone Time Denied I established that the girls had a 'healing factor' of sorts that ensured they would be plagued with periods forever. Nuuo promptly questioned if this meant that they would also grow new eggs, and thus could pop out children forever. This quickly became a back and forth where we concluded that between the more competitive girls it would become a race to see if they could claim the entire year for Loud birthdays and the last 'free day' of the year for their one of their specific progeny's birthdays.

"Girl please, just one day-"

"Shush Linc, we're goin' for a full year!"

"My dick has been rubbed raw so many times it's numb Luna."

"Then get Lisa to fix it!"

"It turned green for a week last time."

"And grew four inches!"

"I'm also sure that was when Lulu was conceived."

"..."

"..."

"Eh, she's pretty cool once you get pa-"

"God I wish Lori could hold her liquor!"


Lincoln gets visited by his mother

Emphasised section by Nuuo:

"woah woah woah, woah, I'm adopted?"

"Yes! And its tradition that adopted kids are abused. What do you think Clyde's dads do to him?"

"Oh god"

"You know what a spitroast is Lincoln?"

"Sam and Luna and Lynn's softball team taught me..."

"Attaboy champ!"

"But who're my real parents? Why was I put up for adoption? I'm confused over my identity now!"

"Way to suck the air out the room fake son, now I'm off to go fishing! While I'm gone you're gonna have to pound your mother's tuna while I go out for smokes."

"Dad don't go!"

"Mom don't you have enough kids!?"

"Well yes Sweetie; that's why I'll be showing you how to use a condom, since I know the girls sure won't!"

"... I'm actually happy to hear that. They wouldn't even let me touch one even when they were whor-"

"Sharing sweetheart, we're sharing you!"

"When they were 'sharing' me with their friends. I'm expecting to get an STI before I turn [AGE OF CONSENT+1]."

"Well Lynn said that her idea of having her kids early caught on with some of her friends, and at some of the rest just really like creampies- I'm sure one or two are on the pill anyway!"

"That doesn't stop STIs; and what about their moms? Why did you let them-"

"Well dear not everyone's husband can keep it up in their old age; your father is a rare exception!"

"Then go get him bac-"

"He needs his rest dear."

"So do I!"

"You're young and spry, and Lisa's injections are keeping everything running nicely anyway!"

"Lisa injections? When were thes- Leese is in this too!?"

"..."

"..."

"... Fuck it; I'm honestly just happy I won't have a sister-daughter."


Lincoln tries to roast Lynn, after she comments on how their parents call Lincoln their "favourite Son" because he's their only one rather than "favourite kid".

"Well that's because they don't want to make you guys feel bad!" Snapped Lincoln.

"Or maybe it's because you're store bought!" Jeered Lynn. "Come on; it's not like they have another son to choose from."

"So you don't count then?" Lincoln asked 'innocently'.

"Why wou-" Lynn's eyes narrowed. "What are you implying Stincoln?"

"Oh nothing… oh remind me; Francisco turned you down because 'I'm not into guys that way' right?" The boy sneered at the Jock; finally getting something back at her. "That's why you went at me so hard isn't it? Say: when do you need that jockstrap back again? It's my turn to do the washing and I know how..." Lincoln trailed off as Lynn's expression turned from rage to a smirk.

He felt himself pucker.

"You know you've got a point there; I'm, kinda boyish… way more than you after all. 'Course that's mainly cause you're such a little bitch, and you know what?" She leaned down to him. "I bet you'll squeal like one too."

Lincoln sweated bullets. "... Look Lynn I might have taken it a bit far but-"

"LUNA!" Lynn shouted without breaking eye contact. "Can I borrow Blarney tonight?"

"Why?" Luna's slightly hungover voice echoed from the upper floor. "It's your turn tonight right?"

"Yeah, but Lincoln wants know what being a girl is like!" Lynn jeered.

"We already did that!" Luna groggily established. "But I mean if you wash 'im afta' I suppose I don't mind..."

"Thanks Luna!" Lynn grinned down at the horrified boy. "Now let's see if Leni can fit you a nice dress!"


Victim Blaming from Lisa.

"Did you orgasm?" Dryly asked the little genius.

"And then she- what?" Lincoln asked in confusion.

"Did you achieve orgasm, street name, cum?" Lisa looked up at over her clipboard.

"W-why is that important?"

"Your reluctance to answer speaks volumes faux sibling unit." Lisa ticked off something on her clipboard. "I would suggest that if you don't want to be a father- again- you learn to keep it in your pants you Bon Bon of a 'victim'."

"B-Bu"

"Street name: slut."

"I'm a boy!"

"It is almost impressive because of it, now please leave: I have an appointment with Ms Sharp about her first trimester and anti nausea medication for Lynn." Lisa turned away to file her paper under 'sibling whining'. "If you don't want to be vomited on mid-coitus again I suggest you go quickly."

"Why does she even keep going; she has what she wanted!"

"I would imagine the same reason you do; she like show it feels."

"I DON'T-"

"I grow tired of your petulant complaining" Lisa pointed a finger at him crossly. "Now please leave; I can smell my elder sisters all over you and I don't want you getting yeast germs on my equipment. Go before I activate my security measures for wasting my time; slut."


Lincoln sees a therapist

"Thanks for listening to my problems doc! I wanted another man besides my father to talk to, and Lisa ignores me, but you really helped listening to my problems. I'm glad my mom got me a therapist! I guess I could still trust some women."

"My pleasure Lincoln, I loved listening, and call me Candy, I'm not a doctor."

"You're not a therapist?"

"No, I'm The Rapist. Says it on my office door."

"I, uh, thought it was spelled badly."

"Nope! Your mom set me up. I'm your 3 "OH''clock!"

"Not again!"

"Mom, I'm already getting this done to me at home; why did you send me to be fucked by a professional?" The boy asked on the way home, trying breathe into the fresh air from the window to avoid the stank emanating from his every pore

It did not work. It would probably never work unless he moved out.

"Well dear that's the thing; it's being done to you," explained his mother. "You're not really doing anything back and you need to learn more about how to please a woman besides lasting for a while, which is good but-"

"It's because I hate myself when I cum."

"Don't interrupt: it's rude. Now, you need to learn how please a woman properly; Sam and Luna are all well and good for your fingers and tongue but the meat of and potatoes for a man will always be his meat, so until you learn to use it properly you'll be seeing Candy every Thursday. You can't expect the woman to do all the work after all!"

"..."

Rita sighed, "and if you do it right it'll end quicker, since you're being so sulky about this. Luna will probably stop using Blarney as well."

"You knew about that?"

"Everyone knows about it dear, we could hear the screaming from the front yard."


Lincoln learns to moderate his roasts:

Lincoln was emotionally sore after many incidents, and this morning he couldn't help but bite back after Lynn roasted him for being 'girly'. His barb about her masculinity went about as well as his last one:

"Yeah I guess you're right," the table suddenly fell into silence at Lynn conceding defeat. The Jock smirked however "but c'mon; who can compete with 'Linka'?"

"OHHH!" The twins gasped in mock horror.

"Yeah 'bruh' " Luna used her fingers in mock quotation. "I gotta' say; if I weren't gay already that dress'd be givin' me an' Sam some questions about ourselves 'cause a all the funny feelings!"

"Are you sure that's not morning sickness?" The bitter reply snapped out from the rape victim. "But you know we've been doing 'this' for months now and you and Lori are the only ones who haven't gotten one yet; maybe you're not 'meant for motherhood'?"

The table returned to silence and regarded Luna with apprehension.

But the rocker just laughed; "nice try bruh, but I got a positive test this mornin'!" And with that she promptly pulled said test from her skirt and waved it around like a trophy.

The table, sans two, cheered and Lincoln just bitterly ate a pancake in defeat. Or least he would have if he suddenly wasn't suspended two feet higher than usual by the neck.

Two blue eyes glared down upon him and he realised his mistake.

"Alright twerp; if Luna 'wasn't meant for motherhood' what does that make me?"

The boy sweated bullets and desperately tried to correct his mistake "... maybe it's just not the right time- HLLRGH!"

"Lynn's softball team. Sam. That weird babysitter and half of your class." She shook him with each new addition. "No more Miss Nice Loud; everyone else, you've had your turn so I'm getting Lincoln solo for the next month!"

The elder girls groaned; save for Leni who had somehow blissfully remained unaware of the madness that had consumed the house and continued to feed Lily.

"We're going every night for until I'm positive, and if I find you having 'alone time' or giving some other girl babies you'll actually think your name is Linka; understood twerp!?"

Lincoln patted at her wrist, and she dropped him so he could breathe. "S-sure Lori. But does this mean that when you're done I'm done with everyone? We can go back to normal?"

"I literally don't care what you do after I get mine so sure."

For a moment the [AGE OF CONSENT] year old saw a ray of hope, and brightened accordingly.

"Actually I'm thinkin' I might go for seconds," Asserted Luna. "Y'know, give little Lyra or Lemy a siblin' an' all that."

"You girls certainly have the genes for it!" Laughed Lynn Sr. "Just remember to slow down a bit or you'll have ten of your own before you know it!"


Lincoln gets rejected

The girls were arguing with each over who had to go over to retrieve their brother, the sole boy having jumped the fence to escape an assault from the girls and Giggles only to be picked up by Mr Grouse when they heard a knock from the door.

Lynn rolled her eyes and the door open "What? We're kind in the middle of someth- OH HEY GUYS LINC'S BACK!"

The others peaked behind her and sure as day there stood Lincoln, more nude and somehow more miserable than the last time they saw him.

"Hey guys. Can I come in before I catch a cold in my junk?"

"Yeah sure, don't want the swimmers outta commission." Lynn motioned him in.

"Thanks." His voice could have dried a swimming pool.

"So how'd you make it outta there so fast bruv?" Luna asked, tossing him a possibly clean pair of underwear that had been left on the couch, probably torn off after a silly child failed to escape his chores.

"Mr Grouse didn't want me."

"What?"

"No way!"

"And you call me a comedienne!"

"That's bull bruv, those cheeks demand a spanking!"

"Oh really?" The boy snapped the undies on. "Well that's what I thought was going to happen, and for a while it looked like it too."

"So why didn't he..."

"Fuck me like a Choirboy? Well it turns out that when someone shoves an oversized 'toy' up someone's ass for hours at a time it tends to leave things a bit-"

"LOUD!" Lincoln was cut off as Mr Grouse shouted from across the fence, tossing over some tattered victory undies. "TAKE YOUR SMELLY UNDERGARMENTS WITH YOU! Goddamn youngesters these days, smell like fifteen cunts and still have holes looser than George Orwells belt..."

The room was quiet for a moment, then Lynn snorted and they all burst out laughing.

"I guess those buns are all for show bruv!"

"That's some 'catch and release' right there!"

"Not even making the cut with Mr Grouse, last place as always Stincoln!"

"Wow, even the neighbourhood pedo doesn't want you; Lisa was right, you are literally a slut."

Lincoln would have been further embarrassed, but he had promptly left them to their giggles to avoid having to impregnate the girl named the same.