This one was inspired by my Unnamed Associate, who PM'd me very drunk one night and wrote a massive amount only to have to delete most of it the next day. This one is for you, and let all those aspiring writers reading remember to avoid involving the fun juice in your creative process.
Whopper story:
"BLEEP BLEEP!"
Lincoln groaned, and fumbled for his phone. A quick flash of the screen upon his unready eyes confirmed it was two in the morning, and the incoming call was Clyde.
"What the heck Clyde?" Lincoln moaned as he accepted the call. "I was sleeping."
The was heavy breathing on the other side of the phone.
"You called me, not Lori Clyde," Lincoln dryly informed. "And she moved out years ago-"
"I need a burger…" Clyde interrupted.
Lincoln raised an eyebrow. "A burger, at this time of night?"
"Yeah man, a burger, like a Whooper."
"You want to go to Burpin' Burger now," Lincoln facepalmed. "Why are you even up this late- no, why did you wake me to tell me this?"
"'Cause I've been working-"
His stomach dropped as he put it together, "oh God dammit Clyde."
"-and it's amazing, I-I just let the words flow you know, it's like everything loose and-"
"You're drunk." It wasn't a question. "You worked on the comic drunk again, and now you need me to drive you."
"I can feel the flow… I just.. let it go…"
"You need to go to sleep Clyde." Lincoln sighed, "this happens every time, everything you draw now is going to take twice as long to edit into something publishable later. It's a net loss!"
"The burgers are calling me Lincoln!" Clyde's voice suddenly became desperate. "I can taste the meaty goodness already!"
Lincoln just shook his head and switched his phone off.
"How's your head?"
"… I want to cut it off."
"Sound's about right." Lincoln lay upon the couch of the McBrides, Clyde himself curled up in an armchair. Between them his night's work lay upon a table in tablet form.
"There's a lot more burgers than usual in Ace's belt." Lincoln dryly observed as he thumbed through the files. "Seems like he really wants a snack."
"Yeah…" Clyde whinged. "But the rest might be…"
Lincoln pointedly turned the tablet around and showed Clyde The Burger Queen, apparently Ace's new nemesis who wanted to replace all the good burgers in the world with her knock off brand. She was standing triumphant as the world's populace bemoaned their tasty treats being transformed into dry, hard alternatives.
"There's twelve pages of this-"
"… Maybe we could print it as a parody?"
"- And it's all off model," Lincoln pointed to someone who might have been Ace Savvy post radiation exposure.
Clyde took the tablet and looked over his work with sober eyes, before dropped it to the table and facepalming.
"… everything's so shit," the darker man moaned. "I think we could just draw new stuff faster than make this… not shit."
"I can't say I disagree," Lincoln sighed. "But we've got some time before the deadline, with a bit of luck we should be fine."
"Clincoln McLoud?"
"Clincoln McLoud."
Lincoln gets Reassigned:
Sometimes Leni seemed a bit like a movie monster in how unexpected she could be.
One moment she was normal enough, but the next she would do something utterly absurd and impossible to predict. Like tossing a board game out of a window, or driving the family van into a private pool in hopes of reaching the carpool lane.
Today, as one Lincoln Loud had found out; she had gotten it in her head that Lincoln needed to experience the full joys of femininity. Whoever or whatever gave the idea was irrelevant (though he suspected Lola might have been involved since he accidentally broke her teapot last week…) all that Lincoln cared about was hiding until she got distracted by something long enough for him to escape the house.
"Like Linky, I'm totes gonna get you!" Leni's cheerful voice radiated through the house. Lincoln shuddered inside the bin, and waited for the voice to leave. Surely if he waited for her to go past then-
There was a sudden new light as the bin lid was lifted, a quick peak up revealed Leni's smiling face.
"Oh Linky you're so silly; you're supposed to put all your boy clothes in the charity bin! Not the boy in the regular bin, silly Linky!" Leni giggled, then drew his scrunched-up form from the bin by his collar.
In her other hand was the frilly white and pink dress that Lola would probably refuse for being too frou-frou.
He looked at the monstrosity in horror; "LENI I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS!"
"You don't now, but that's like; social programming and stuff," Leni countered as she took him up the stairs. "Lisa was totes comprehentive and I just know you'll be a pretty Linka!"
"B-but I don't want to be Linka!"
"You will after our first sleep over!" Leni squealed. "I've invited all my girl friends, and Lori said Ronnie Anne can come too!"
Lincoln twisted fervently upon hearing Ronnie's name. "N-no, please lemme go! I can't be seen by Ronnie in that!"
"Sorry Linky, but Orange is OUT this summer!" Leni insisted. "But maybe next season? You totes look good in it…"
Lincoln gasped in horror as he realised his fate- but he was not resigned to it. His captor words had given him the very inspiration he needed to escape- and Lincoln Loud wasn't one to let such opportunity escape him!
The sly boy pulled his arms into his shirt, and with nothing to hold him to Leni's grip he slipped through the orange fabric with ease!
And promptly fell upon his arse and started tumbling down the stairs.
Bang
"Ooof!" There went his arm.
Crack
"Ahhh" that was a shin.
WHAM!
Lincol said nothing, for he had landed face first on the bottom floor and had a minor case of being knocked silly.
Of course, one does not remain in the realm of dreams forever (at least not without a bad case of death), so the poor boy awoke to find himself….
In Lisa's lab?
On her table?
The boy blinked himself awake, and twisted and turned to see around him- yes, the trademark blinking lights and taped together equipment of one Lisa Loud surrounded him.
And the scientist herself stood clamly observing him at the foot of the table, she typed something into her tablet as he looked around confused.
"… Leese?"
"I am indeed one Lisa 'Lancy' Loud." She pulled up one of her recording devices and clicked it on, "subject appears to have retained hi- her usual cognitive abilities. Continuing to monitor for signs of…"
Lincoln turned out her usual babble as something caught his attention.
His legs were cooler than usual, and when he looked down-
He was in the frou-frou dress.
He didn't panic. No, he observed himself first.
He was in the dress.
He could feel his hair was longer- like it had been in the dream with the Loud Brothers.
And like that dream, his pants felt like-
He stuffed his hands into his crotch and-
No. Her crotch actually, as her fingers sadly confirmed that 'Privates Log and Boulders' were AWOL.
Now she panicked.
"So, you turned your brother into a sister because Leni thought it was a good idea?" Rita asked her second-youngest in disbelief, the sibling- sisters currently mobbing 'Linka' in the other room despite her and Lynn Sr's order not to.
"Well you see," Lisa attempted to sooth her clearly irritable parental units; "she presented a convincing argument-"
"O! M! Gosh! We can totally have a girls night every night now!" Leni's happy voice carried through the walls.
Rita's stare intensified, and Lisa could feel her surgical privileges slipping away.
"… I just wanted to see if I could do a full genetic transition." Lisa admitted. "But I must point out that Leni was already attempting to make Lincoln see what it was like to be a girl under her own volition-"
"And when she brought him to you for medical care you thought you'd just 'help out'?" Rita dryly summarised. "Is that right?"
"It is for the cause of science!" Lisa protested. "Studies in gender based identities have never had an opportunity like this-"
"You're fixing this."
"It will take a week before his genetic morphology settles!" Lisa countered. "Any attempts to reverse the condition before then will likely render the subject permanently intersex!"
Rita examined her daughter's face, but her tell-tale 'lie smile' was nowhere to be seen. The matriarch breathed out through her nose. "… Fine."
"Yes, you listen to your moth- wait what?" Lynn Sr turned into shock to his wife.
"Excellent," Lisa rubbed her little hands together with undisguised glee. "I anticipated you would be reasonable after the initial shock- I shall prepare my observational devices for the coming we-"
"No." Rita denied. "No 'observations', no more experiments on your siblings! Lincoln will be homeschooled this entire week and you Miss Reassigner are going to be his tutor for that entire time!"
"But what about my research!?" Lisa gasped. "This is an invaluable-"
"You can do later," Rita snapped. "And only if he lets you."
"I would argue-"
"And you're not allowed in the Bunker for a week- no superscience until you've learnt your lesson!"
"But-"
"And put his kidney back- we know you took it!"
"Dang it."
