Lincoln's Drawer Secrets Anthology:

Nuuo took the hamburger gag from a previous Oneshot and started making jokes about Lincoln's drawer from LAT actually containing his superhero equipment from when he goes out as a hamburger themed vigilante. There were some other possibilities and a few I mentioned in passing myself;

What if they were the truth?


Lincoln sighed on his bed, there was a spot that was still a bit warm from where Lynn had sat.

Where she'd sat before she'd slipped up and that she and Luna were just manipulating him all day.

All because he'd shut himself away for a week.

It's been nice before then, sure he was steamed up after Luna forgot about him to go suck face with her girlfriend again, but they'd had a little fun before that. Then Lynn had seemed to be helping him through stuff right up until-

Until she revealed that they weren't being nice to him because they missed him, they were just doing the hive mind thing again and it was him vs them. They were back to the old routine of ganging up on him, and nothing he could do would change their minds…

He glared at the locked drawer, it was all it's fault; the stuff inside was what had driven his sisters to hating him again.

If only…


Lincoln the Hamburger Hero:

He'd never taken up the mask.

It took only a moment to stamp over, pop in the code and open the drawer. Inside was a uniform and equipment, and more importantly a red cowl with a hamburger bun like top to cover his distinctive hair. It had all started a few weeks ago when he'd decided to try and take a bite out of the rising crime rate, but things had gotten out of control fast and fighting grown men as a scrawny Eleven year old in a makeshift mask without actual superpowers?

That was a bad idea.

Fortunately Lisa had had a solution; as the resident mad scientist she had spent a whole two hours on a superpowered formula back when she was bored. Unfortunately it only lasted for an hour or so, and for whatever reason (he suspected she was trolling him) only worked if applied as a sauce to reasonably fresh Hamburgers.

She also insisted that he wear the Hamburger themed costume; "for authenticity elder sibling unit" she'd declared with a twitching mouth. Given that she was the source of his temporary power up, calling her out wasn't really in the cards.

Dad had caught him sneaking back in at night, but rather than make him stop he'd seem escstatic that his only son was doing something athletic for once, but he was also certain that his wife would certainly put a stop to the caped crusading. Thus; how this all came together.

It wasn't exactly the Fortress of Solitaire, but it was his. And it was the only thing that stopped his sisters from finding out that he was….

"The Royal Woods vigilante commonly known as Burger Brawler was seen earlier this-"

"Lame!" Lynn snorted, and switched over the T.V. channel to a sports game.

"Hey!" Lincoln protested from between Lori Leni and Luna, "I wanted to watch that-"

Luna sighed "Dude, I get that he's a real life superhero and that's your thing but…"

"He literally couldn't be lamer if he tried." Lori bluntly informed him.

"But he can punch down walls!" Lincoln protested.

"He runs around in a burgerfied costume, and his belt thingy is filled with Burpin' Burgers!" Leni groaned in horror. "It's totes a fashion disaster!"

"He literally looks like a lamer rip off of Ace Savvy." Lori confirmed. "And I didn't want to tell you this until you were older; but Ace is already pretty far down there."

Leni gagged, "underwear on the outside was never in Linky!"

"He's the butt of his own joke!" Luan laughed. "I don't even know what this guy is!"

The entire couch (sans Lincoln) actually laughed for once.

Him. If they ever found out not only would Mom probably put a stop to things (which would be fine after all the mockery Burger Brawler got online and in real life, but someone had to clean things up and the police weren't doing their jobs!) but they'd probably mock him into oblivion too.

He sighed. Maybe he could just concentrate on making up his marks for a while instead, all those late nights were a killer on his tests…

But the burger themed alert signal in his utility belt blinked on as Lisa's scanner noticed someone in need of a rescue, so he pushed those thoughts away. Quickly he pulled off his regular clothes and fitted himself into the dumb costume, munching down a cold but empowering Burger from the secure pouches in his utility belt. Lori and the girls probably wouldn't really care if Lincoln Loud didn't come down for dinner that night.

He squeezed through his round window and bounced away from the multi-storey drop without a sound or injury, for dumb theme or not; Burger Brawler was the superhero keeping Royal Woods safe tonight!


Someone has to keep the family safe:

If only Dad had never given him the gun.

"Now Son, I know this is a big change but I need to know that you can keep your sisters safe if the worst happens to me," Dad looked down at him as he handed him the pistol handle first.

Lincoln thought that it would feel special in some way, but it was… normal. It just felt like a bit of plastic and metal and it was smaller than he expected.

The dread was all inside him, knowing that if the safety was taken off it would take one fumble to send death through the house walls.

"We're going to spend the next few weekends teaching you to shoot at a friends of mine's house," Dad put a hand on his shoulder. "We're going to tell Rita that we're fishing, but really we're going to be teaching you all about how to use this, and making sure you can use it safely you understand?"

Lincoln numbly nodded, but he had to ask; "h-how come Lori isn't-"

"Lori doesn't like guns, she's like your mother," Dad sighed. "And the others just aren't mature enough in their own ways yet; I thought Luna maybe but…"

The older man shook his head at something; "Look; Son, I know that you can handle this responsibly, and that you'll protect your sisters no matter what. This is just to make sure that if it comes down to it you can."

Lincoln nodded again.

"Now, your mother doesn't know about this, we've had a lot of arguments about the one I have in our room already; so if you're in this we have to keep it a secret. We'll get you some soundproofing, a special drawer to keep this the other things that come with it, but you can't tell her what the actual reason is."

"If?" Lincoln asked.

Dad tightened his mouth and stepped back. "If you're ready for this. I understand if you don't want to, holding someone's life in your hands isn't an easy thing. But I worry that something could happen, and if it does I would rest easier knowing that you can keep everyone safe."

Lincoln looked down at the gun. It was cold and utilitarian in design, so small and yet so utterly dangerous.

"I…"

Dad's face was neutral, a mask compared to his usual emotional nature.

"I… I'll go learn how to use it." He uttered, but blurted; "I don't really like it though-"

"That's fine Son," Dad relaxed a bit. "Neither do I."


Keeping Order:

If only...

His phone suddenly buzzed, breaking him from his contemplation. Snatching it up revealed a message from the very bane that plagued him.

U ready 4 tonite?

Lincoln sighed and texted back his affirmation.

It would take a few hours more for the texter to arrive, long past when he briefly popped down to get some food and give Lynn the stink eye. Lori might have wanted to talk about something, but he was busy so he ignored her.

Either way, he was ready when he door clicked open, revealing the only other person besides him and Dad who had a key.

One Luna Loud.

"Sup Bruv?" The tired asked, "you got the stuff?"

"Of course," he testily affirmed. "I wasn't sure if you still wanted it after today though."

"Hunh?" Luna thought the day over. "Oooh, that's what you're doing in here!"

Lincoln rolled his eyes, and pointedly marched over to lock the door closed, then to open his special drawer. Inside was a selection of familiar baked goodies and plastic wrapped 'herbs'.

"You know, I thought you might have been faking things, just going along Lynn's scheme to throw her off," Lincoln muttered. "But then I realised you never warned me, so you were just-"

"Baked silly yeah," Luna shrugged. "Honest ta God I thought you were wankin' or somethin' in 'ere too, so I just went a bit nutzo ya know; hive mind and all that too."

"Good to know," he sarcastically replied, tossing her a wrapped brownie.

"Eh, where's the rest?" The rocker weighed the lighter than usual package.

"I'm cutting your supply since you 'got some' today," he slammed the drawer shut. "Dad lets you have this so you don't get too pent up, and you had Sam today so this should be 'enough'."

"But I only got me a taste-"

"Then next time warn me before you try and throw me under the bus," he snapped. "Or better yet, dial back enough to get your head on straight for long enough to remember why I have to hide stuff in my room now unless you want Mom to roast all three of us!."

Luna looked at his cross features, and sighed. "Yeah, I guess that's fair bruv."

"And stop feeling up your girlfriend in front of me, it makes things weird!"


Keeping the room sacred:

If only…

The girls weren't absolute degenerates.

"Now Lincoln," Mom sighed as she finished up some stories about how she and Dad had caught the girls in 'compromising' conditions. "I know that some of these facts may distress you-"

Lincoln rapidly nodded, "Yes."

Not as much as his parents might expect, considering he'd gotten an eyeful of Lori that time she ruined the sweet spot, but knowing the other details about the girls sure didn't help.

"-but you have to know why we are letting you have this." Mom gravely handed him the small white aerosol

The can of Pepper Spray.

"You're not to use it without a good reason," Dad empathised. "But we know you need this security to get back on track with school, and we can easily guess what the girls might try once they realise your room's… potential."

Lincoln thought it over, and the sudden image of his sisters gleefully 'enjoying themselves' in his soundproof room made him gag.

"It looks like you understand that too," Mom sighed. "And we know just how… into things they can get."

A vision of the torn-up metal wreckage of Vanzilla post- sweet spot appeared in Lincoln's mind. His room would likely not faire as well.

"So we're giving this to you in case they try to force things, but not as a first option you understand!" Dad warned with a raised finger. "You need to try and talk to them first and to us if they try and push things anyway. But if all else fails you're allowed to use it, it's a low powered version so it won't cause long term harm, but it will be enough to get them out of here if it comes to it."

Lincoln nodded, "this goes in the drawer right?"

"Yes, make sure the combination is something Lola won't figure out…"

Lincoln blinked out of his reminiscence and scowled. The girls were absolute perverts all right; anyone who doubted their fanatic thirst hadn't been there when Hugh had been around. But if they could at least dial it back then he could trust that they wouldn't try and break in, then steal his Pepper Spray so they could diddle themselves silly.

As it was; he could only hope to keep the full details secret until Mom and Dad got home, otherwise they'd throw away his drawer with the Pepper Spray inside and probably ruin his room with all the pent up grossness they could manage. And from the horrors Mom and Dad had told him, they could manage a lot….