Loud Lockdown
The Loud House was a barely standing near-asylum of managed chaos. Of course, this was the norm; with a family of thirteen having to share entirely too little space conflict was inevitable and inescapable.
Alas, for the past few months tensions had being simmering for another reason.
A pandemic was sweeping the globe and America, along with a few other countries was currently in a lockdown that had lasted months. For anyone else being housebound would be either an insufferable experience or a wonderful excuse for not going out at all.
For the talented and largely extroverted members of the Loud family; it was a new kind of hell. Only one person, the sole boy Lincoln, did not have to share a room. Meanwhile everyone else already shared what little space they had and had quickly grown sick of the forced frequency of their involuntary proximity.
For while it would be fair to say that the family loved each other, they weren't subject to the classical and probably imaginary love where one never grows frustrated or sick of another person and their nonsense. Rather their bond was a genuine one built on usually at least a decade or so of closeness, mutual growth, empathy and simply living with each other on a regular basis.
Thus, whatever honeymoon period of simply forgiving one another's grating personality traits was so long in the past it would have required an archaeologist to find. While the relatively normal parents, and comparatively contained younger children whose interests who could largely be fulfilled indoors (as pageants and science fairs had been cancelled anyway) were semi-content with their arrangement the older sisters were far less enthused with their containment. The multiple months of not being able to play team sports for the jock, going the supermarket for the fashionista, jamming together with her band for the rocker or even the relatively mundane outside activities of the eldest were a recipe for disaster.
Still though, they had largely (if reluctantly) learnt to live even more together than usual. Now well months into the lockdown Lincoln Loud had developed a new pattern to avoid the worst of the friction, having now experienced multiple Sister Fight Protocols, been nearly buried alive under a pile of crankier than usual sisters no less than seventeen times and walked in on his older sisters 'relieving tension' enough times to cry.
A lot.
It was mostly because he knew what 'Mpreg' was now though, so he thought that a few tears were acceptable (Luan was weird).
But today wasn't for crying; instead it was for laughing. His laugher to be precise.
"I cast spectral sizzle!" Lisa declared with a smirk.
"Hmm," Lincoln looked behind his book. "The Dead King looks at you with a smug tilt to his skull, and you feel a sudden burn all over your body, roll damage!"
"What!?" Lisa jumped up. "How?"
"The King of Damnation mob can send back half of all direct damage it takes back to it's attacker," Lincoln explained. "It's a Grade 12 Boss, so it's got a few tricks up it's- well it doesn't really have sleeves- but you get the picture."
"Indeed," Lisa sourly rolled her dice. "Sixteen points of damage."
"You take half and I think that's your turn." Lisa nodded and Lincoln took sixteen points off the Boss's health before he moved on with the game.
They were playing Dicey Dreams, or at least the tabletop system of it, and one Lincoln Loud was the Tale Teller! They had played through all the of established campaigns during the first month, now they were well into homebrew and all the wacky madness that came with it.
Of course Lincoln was a fair Tale Teller, he didn't just drop boulders out of nowhere like a silly person; but he wasn't a pushover either. Lisa alone used her brilliance to dominate wherever she could, so it was only fair that he use his own wiles to turn her tricks against her.
Like tweaking a mob to be a bit more challenging. Obviously the mob would be using flame and godly resistant charms, so Lisa's next options would be stuff that wouldn't be blocked or resisted- it was the creative stuff after the opening turns that would make things interesting though-
"Oh, is it my turn yet!?" Leni waved a hand.
"Op- yeah, yes it is," Lincoln nodded to her. Leni was the only big sister who regularly joined him and the littler kids in their game, even if she didn't always understand it.
"I cast; Go to Heaven!" Leni declared with excitement, lifting up a card with the Priest Spell written on it.
Lincoln frowned and took the card; "heavenly release; gives one undead creature the chance to go into the afterlife regardless of mortal bindings or unfinished business- Leni I don't think-"
"Un uh!" Leni smiled. "It's totes what's on the card!"
"I- okay." Lincoln sighed. "The Dead King seems to regard you with surprise, which turns to an unearthly laughter," Lincoln got into character. "Foolish Priestess, what makes you think I would wish to be judged by the Hypocrite in the Sky? All I could ever want remains on this earth, which will soon be mine!"
Lincoln did his best evil laugh, which was really just a Luan laugh.
"Because all your family is dead and gone, so they're not here are they?" Leni asked.
Lincoln paused, then got back into character. "So what? Should I desire them I can recall them to a new life, with new bodies that will never age or die or wither!"
"But they already have those things," Leni persisted. "Like; the other guy told us they were totes good guys so they're absolutely going to heaven, and coming down here would be sort of like; a downgrade so why would they come?"
This wasn't going to plan.
"I have power over life and death-"
"But people have to want to come back or you just get a yucky zombie, right?" Leni pointed out. "And you don't have any skin or stuff- doesn't that hurt?"
"I don't feel any pain- I am undead!" Lincoln grinned, trying to get the game back on course.
"Really? That's good, but if you don't feel pain, do you feel anything at all?" Leni questioned. "I mean, I thought you had magic invisible nerves and stuff but if you can't feel pain doesn't that mean you're just all not-feeling?"
"I…" Lincoln tried to collect the character while remembering the lore. "I don't feel anything at all. I just… am.
I just am."
Leni's eyes turned soft, "I don't think they would want to not feel anything at all Mr King, even if they didn't have to feel pain."
"No, they really wouldn't…" Lincoln sighed. "Leni; roll persuasion."
"Oh!" Leni quickly tossed a dice. "Aww, just a six-"
"Actually, elder sibling unit, that would be a nine," Lisa pointed to the little dot next to the number on the Die face that allowed easily players to tell them apart at any angle.
"Oh, silly me," Leni bopped herself on the head and quickly looked over her character paper. "Umm, I think with my extra stuff that's an eighteen!"
Lincoln rolled his own die… and landed on a one. His eyes closed as he mentally consigned the late night hours and multiple stages of his boss fight to the bin.
Whatever; maybe he could reuse them for another boss.
For now though; it was time to reward a player for a job well done, opening his eyes he began; "The Dead King contemplates you for a moment, then he looks at the room around him; filled with gold and riches. And carved statues of a time that can never really be again.
Then at himself. First his own hands, and then at the statue of the man he was before the fall.
You hear a sigh, and he slowly reaches out his hand to you."
"I take it!" Leni squealed, jumping up in delight.
Lincoln let a smile cross his face. "A golden light flows from around you, racing across his hand and up body. Wherever it touches, the armoured skeleton that you fought vanishes and is replaced with tanned skin and new, shining armour.
For the first time in a thousand years the Dead King no longer walks the earth, but instead Willem the Lost stands before you as the last Knight of Cambria once more.
But only for a moment, as he vanishes into sparks of light; going home at last."
Leni sniffled, and he caught Lola dabbing at a slightly wet eye before Lana jumped forward. "What- that's it? Awww, I thought we were gonna have a fight or something!"
"Disappointment is the natural state of all things," Lucy sighed, discarding some magic cards of her own. "The only promise life truly fulfils is that it ends."
"You notice that the gold and treasure in the room has remained," Lincoln dryly replied. "About 50 Green Platinum's worth at a glance."
Lana's eyes winded and she grinned, "now that's more like it!"
"Indeed," a slightly sour Lisa tossed her notes, probably having been made in preparation for the now bypassed fight. "At we can pay off Little Nick now-"
"Nah dude, let's go get some help of our own and wreck 'im instead!" Lana punched into her palm. "We'll show that dude who's boss- can't send assassins if you're dead!"
In hindsight, having the quest giving NPC respond to their breaking of his first major question item by sending assassins to murder the thief's bat companion was short-sighted decision. Though in his defence, it sure had made Lana invest herself in the campaign.
"Nonsense, we just need to-"
"Kill 'im dead!"
The argument was didn't end until Lincoln called the session to a close and encouraged the sisters to return to their rooms with promises of snacks of their liking. Of course this now meant he had to make the snacks, which was easier said than done.
No one liked to talk about it, but between the Dentists being practically closed and their father's restaurant actually being closed snacks weren't really in the budget anymore. A family of thirteen was an arduous task to feed in the best of times.
And with next to no income…
The cupboards where the snacks normally stood were nearly empty now, no one really able to bring themselves to take the last scraps and potentially leave the space empty for who knew how long.
No one wanted to talk about how the dinner portions had been getting smaller too.
But as the sole boy opened the cupboard with a bit of dread, he was surprised to see the common family snacks fully present and accounted for.
"What?" He wondered aloud picking out some fresh cereal for the first time in weeks, the expiry date showed that it was newly bought and-
Upon popping open the box, it still had the plastic bag inside sealed up.
Wordlessly he took the box and walked over to the fridge, creaking the door open; he saw something similar. The entire thing was filled up again; new milk and everything.
There was even a new jar of Sauerkraut right there waiting for him.
He blinked just in case, then gleefully reached forward to make everyone their snacks!
Only to stop.
Why? Why was everything back?
Mom hadn't gotten more hours at her job, and the restaurant still couldn't open. Pop-pop… Pop-pop's money just wasn't enough to make a dent.
So where had all this stuff come from?
Lincoln exited the room of the twins, sans two of PB+J sandwiches that he'd borne and the Banana-blueberry smoothie for Leni. Now all that was left was Lisa's snack, which was also a PB+J sandwich, but with slightly different proportions as to a four year old wunderkind's liking.
The question that had plagued him had had an obvious solution; even if their parents didn't have any work coming in then the next most obvious choice was Lisa. The little genius had probably invented something and sold off the patent to cover their expenses.
Sure; the older sisters each had talents that could bring in some money; but Lisa's was practically a money-making machine. Heck; her Nobel Prize had come with a million dollar check (that had promptly been absorbed into covering the costs that her explosions caused on a daily basis but still)!
Satisfied With his reasoning, the boy had happily taken advantage of their full fridge and now departed to thank Lisa in person.
Luan's jokes about weight loss had been cutting a bit close to home.
"Hey Leese," he opened her door to witness the little genius inputting some data into her laptop. He put the plate with her favoured sandwich next to her. "Just giving you your snack- and thanks for helping with stuff."
"Stuff?" Lisa turned around with a raised eyebrow. "I appreciate any acknowledgement of my assistance in improving our mutual living standards, but I must question what specific 'stuff' you are referring to elder sibling unit."
"Umm," it was a bit awkward to say; 'thanks for getting us food to eat?'. "It's just that, we know that money was getting kind of tight, but now things are better so-"
Lisa put up a hand to interrupt him; "elder sibling unit; if you are implying that I have made some contribution to relieving our parental units' financial… disposition then I must unfortunately correct you."
Lincoln blinked, "wait; what?"
Lisa took a bite of her sandwich; then stopped and chewed slowly. Behind her glasses her little eyes narrowed for a moment. "Hmm, these ingredients are distinctly fresher and more substantial than the less appealing faire you have been delivering post-lockdown. Coupling that with your previous statement… I take it our supplies have been restocked?"
"Er, yeah," Lincoln nodded. "Are you saying you really didn't do anything?"
"My contributions to the household have been limited recently as certain… 'restricted' materials required for my more lucrative products have been more difficult to obtain." Lisa indicated to her slightly dusty chemistry set. "If I were to be entirely honest though, the costs incurred due to my more enthusiastic approach to scientific progress usually result in a net neutrality in regards to financial gain regardless of more recent impediments."
"Oh right," Lincoln quickly ran over the costs of constantly repairing the house and a few 'other' events. "We even had to pay for Mr Brun's extra legs to come off!"
"He should have let them grow in and allowed me to remove the old ones instead," Lisa groused. "A man in his eighties should appreciate unused cartilage! If our parental units had not banned me from further exploration of the serum then I could have-"
Lincoln smiled awkwardly and started heading to the door. "Okay, enjoy your sandwich Leese!"
"DISABILITY WOULD BE A THING OF THE PAS-"
He shut the door.
Well that was awkward, but more importantly it reopened the case; who had paid for all the food?
It wasn't just the kitchen that was refilled either; the toilet paper was fully stacked up again. The pets' food was fully restocked even though they'd been on strict rationing because of how low it was getting (he got to toss Charles and Cliff some treats!), even the girl's shower stuff had replacements waiting next to their nearly empty older bottles.
It was the same story everywhere; wherever there was something that they'd had to stretch thin or go without that thing was now suddenly filled up or replaced like it had been before the lockdown.
He was far from upset, but it was weird.
Where did all the money for this come from?
"Hey Dad?" Lincoln asked in the kitchen, his father getting an early start on a roast.
His father stuck out his tongue to the side as he concentrated on getting the thickness of the paste exactly right. "What is it sport? I'm trying to get these hams glazed before-"
"How come everything's all refilled?" There really wasn't any point in beating around the bush; it's not like Dad would have a reason to lie to him anyway.
Or so he thought.
Suddenly the little brush Dad was using slipped from his fingers and span across the table, the man himself froze for a moment before hastily darting to go clean it up. "Oh dear would you look at that- maybe don't interrupt your old man when he's in the kitchen all right?"
"But-" Lincoln suddenly found himself behind pushed out by his shoulders by the brunette man. "I just-"
"Now, now, just let me finish this up and go play with your sisters- I'm sure they would love to go dungeon crawling again!"
"But we've already played for today- I have to go set the next session up first and that takes hours!" He protested.
"Then go do that- I'm sure you'll be done in time for dinner!" They stopped at the border between Kitchen and Dining room, "now don't let me stop you- have fun son!"
Well Dad was a bust- he clearly didn't want to talk about whatever it was that got the house refilled. But the way he'd reacted proved that there was something up. Up until that moment Lincoln had been mostly happy and curious, now he was suspicious;
What was Dad hiding?
He didn't think it was anything bad, or at least he thought it probably wasn't anything bad. But it was something and Dad didn't want Lincoln to know; which of course made Lincoln want to know it even more!
Obviously; investigation would be needed. The first step on that investigation?
Go ask Mom.
Some people might have called that a silly first step, obviously Dad wouldn't be able to hide the sudden refilling of the house from Mom. Thus obviously she would have to be in on keeping any secrets.
But the thing was though; Dad had obviously panicked. If they had agreed to a lie, then they probably would have practiced it, or at least agreed to use one story when asked about where the stuff came from. The fact that he hadn't just blurted out a fib might mean that they hadn't thought up that story yet; which meant Lincoln could catch her out if she lied!
Oh yes; Lincoln was confident in his detective skills as he knocked on his parents door.
"Come in!"
He quickly opened it and popped inside, seeing one Rita Loud semi-surrounded by notes for her novel, the bed itself now having two big (currently off) lamps on each side for some reason. She looked up from her laptop through her little half-lenses she used for reading (Lincoln thought they were silly, just fill up all of the frames and you'll be able to read with all of your eyes!) and smiled at him. "Hello sweetheart, what brings you here?"
"Oh nothing much," he quickly approach and hopped onto an empty spot on the bed. "I was just wondering- when did we go shopping?"
"Go sh- oh right," Mom looked to the side as she remembered. "Earlier this morning dear, the stores just restocked and we wanted to get there before the panic buyers."
"That makes sense," he nodded. "… How come we got so much stuff?"
Mom's smile dropped a bit," what do you mean sweetheart? We needed a lot of things-"
"But we've been trying not to use as much remember?" He persisted, examining her expression in case she lied. "You and Dad haven't been able to go work as much so why'd you get so much this time?"
Mom's lips firmed up.
"I mean- I'm not complaining," he clarified. "But it's-"
"I published a book online and it's selling well," Mom's voice was a touch cooler than he would have liked. "We shouldn't be in a bad way for a while if things keep going well."
"Oh."
It made sense; Mom wrote stuff on the side and if she was selling online then she wouldn't need to use a publisher and go through loads of meetings and stuff. She'd probably keep most of the money too!
But from what he'd heard; even if you published stuff online and got most of the money it usually wasn't that much. Heck; all the stuff they'd replaced probably would have eaten up all the book money unless she was really successful, and if it was super successful they'd probably have a celebration party or something.
It was Dad's reaction that nailed it though; Mom wouldn't hide her book from him. But Dad… had panicked. The only reason Dad would get all flustered up was if they were hiding the book sales for some kind of big celebration; but if they were hiding that then Mom wouldn't have just told him.
"Are you alright Lincoln?" Mom's voice took him from his thoughts, and he saw that she'd put away the laptop to look at him directly. "You've gone all quiet."
"Hmmm," he looked up, and smiled as a thought came to mind. "Oh I was just thinking… this wouldn't be your big book right? You've got all the same notes and stuff all around you from the last times so…"
"Oh, ah; no this is one I was writing on the side." Rita smiled, but slightly nervously.
"That's cool, I don't think I could write two books at the same time…" Lincoln mused. "But I guess that just means that you're super talented!"
"Well I don't know about that…" Rita flushed at his praise.
"Oh it does though!" Lincoln jumped up and grinned. "I bet everyone's going to love reading it!"
"Well I hope so-" Rita froze. "Did you say everyone dear?"
"Well yeah," Lincoln said 'innocently'. "We're all going to want to read it! Say… what did you say the title was? I'm going to go look it up now!"
"Well, umm…" Mom was sweating now. Rita Loud looked upon her son and surely knew she was cornered in her lie. "I think it's a bit too old for you-"
"Oh that's okay I guess," he feigned disappointment, then brightened. "But Lori and the big girls are going to love it, I'll tell them you fini-"
"NO-" Rita calmed herself. "No that's fine dear, I'll tell them myself- why don't you go and play Dreams and Dice with your sisters while I finish up this book instead?"
"But-"
"I'm busy dear, let me go back to work." Rita cut him off and pointed at the door.
Well if he wasn't suspicious before then Mom's actions had sealed the deal:
There was a mystery afoot; and it was up to one Lincoln Loud to solve it!
Sure he could just leave it as is; but the question of where the money was coming from actually had him kind of properly worried. What if it was a loan from a shady businessman, or a bank, or a shady bank! (That's all of them Lincoln, he thought he heard Pop-pop's voice say)
He had to get to the bottom of this.
His first stop; see if the big sisters were in the know and if they did; trick them into spilling!
"I literally have no idea," Lori admitted. "I thought Pop-pop's money might have come through, but I checked and most of it was used at Sue's place."
"So you're not working extra hours or something?" Lincoln queried in frustration. "Even you Leni?"
"Like Reininger's has been closed for forever!" Leni looked up from her probably outdated fashion magazine. "Mrs Carmichael says that we're not essential so we have to stay closed, but Lori's work is still open and heart disease isn't essential either!"
Lincoln blinked in surprise, "I- you know about heart disease!?"
"I told her it's what we serve," Lori clarified. "Trust me, if you saw behind the counter you'd know I wasn't lying. And my hours have been cut since this all started, I don't know why we're still open but people can't afford to come much anyway."
"Dude I don't even work," Lynn bluntly informed him as she finished her last post-wrestling match stretches. "I dunno where the money's comin' from but I sure hope it lasts!"
"You made me wrestle you for an hour- for that?" He wheezed incredulously, sweaty and bruised upon Lynn's wrestling mat.
"I said I'd tell you what I knew and I did," Lynn grinned. "Don't complain about getting' outplayed!"
"Not a clue, Funny Business hasn't been doing too great either," Luan reflected as she edited a video on her laptop. They were in the dining room, Luna apparently needing her and Luan's room for something. "My parties are cancelled, and my online stuff is doing better than before but no where near enough to make up for the face-to-face bookings."
Lincoln shook his head. "Sorry to hear that Luan; I heard internet stuff was doing way better than before so I thought it might have-"
"Yeah no; that's for the big celebs only," Luan gave him a frustrated frown. "All the promotional stuff goes to the big corporations and their cronies; not that it matters since I can't get any footage for new videos. If we have to stay in much longer I'm going to have to start making reaction videos." The Comedienne shuddered.
"Oh sweet savvy why!?" Lincoln cried as she held his eyes.
"It's ya own fault for not knocking," Luna bluntly replied as she hiked her skirt back over her hips. "Come ta think of it; ya already walked in on the others too so you've got no excuse either."
"I- ulp," Lincoln turned around and rushed to the toilet.
He returned with a fleshly splash faced and a mostly stable tummy and made sure to knock this time.
"Come in, ya' ruined the mood already anyway." Luna dryly invited.
Luna Loud had handled the lockdown with almost as much displeasure as Lynn had, but while Lynn had eventually been satisfied by wrestling Lincoln into a human baguette on a regular basis (he'd managed to trick some others into taking some shifts for him though, so it was fine) Luna had no such release. Her music was strictly limited lest she provoke the still simmering tensions in the house and seeing Sam in person was out of the question; thus the musical sister was left with little to do but stew in frustration.
That and take up the same dirty pastime that each of the older girls had apparently taken to in lieu of being able to see their significant others.
Not wanting to heave again, Lincoln shoved the gross thoughts away from his mind and went back to the interrogation. "So do you know about-"
"Lori already filled me in and no," Luna curtly replied. "I don't know anything about the money comin' in; I'm not gettin' any work either since all the band spots are shut down."
"Oh," Lincoln scratched the back of his head. "Well sorry for interrupting I guess-"
"Lincoln?" Luna stared at him.
He felt himself sweat a bit at her dead stare. "Y-yeah?"
"Do you know what blue balls are?"
The term vaguely rang a bell in the back of his head but; "no, I don't think so."
"Well I'm gonna tell ya somethin'" she advanced on him, and he started walking backwards from the imposing sight of the musical sister. "On behalf of every one of us big girls; if ya don't start knocking I'm gonna make it my mission from the second you can get 'em to give ya some; every. Friggin. Day until I move out.
Every time I so much as suspect ya might be gettin' 'close' in ya alone time ya hear me?"
"Umm… thanks?" He backed out of the doorframe. "But why-"
"Because; turnabout's fair play bruv," and like that she slammed the door in his face.
Well the big sisters were a bust, and Lisa had made it clear she didn't know already. The twins were out since they both been a little surprised when he'd given them both full sandwiches rather than half of one each and told them they had the stuff for it. Lily probably didn't know, but on the off chance her weirdly capable at times baby-brain held the secret there wasn't a way of her telling him anyway.
That left Lucy, the vent-travelling goth probably knew more secrets than even Lola did!
"I have no idea."
"Dang it!" Lincoln uttered, "I thought for sure that you would know!"
"There are secrets that escape even my eyes," Lucy sighed. "This time; sweet ignorance might finally bless me with its presence."
"Well good for you I guess," Lincoln rubbed the back of his head. It looked like he'd have to go snooping in Mom and Dad's room for answers. He was actually getting worried now; the big sisters would be the first ones to know about something like Mom and Dad getting new jobs. But they didn't seem like they were lying to him when they said they didn't know.
However if they were getting a new income; it was something their parents felt they had to keep from even the most mature of them.
Or maybe it was just something small and he was overreacting; like that time when Dad changed jobs. Either way though; Lincoln needed to know! Well, just wanted to know but he was properly worried now so it felt like he needed to know.
"Hey Lucy, could you distract Mom for a while?"
The vent cover to Mom and Dad's room was stiffer than anyone else's, most of the time they wouldn't have any reason to go after all, least of all by this way. Today however Lincoln felt like he had a good enough reason to brave grounding into space, and so with gritted determination and owing a favour to Lucy (she was reading out poetry to Mom though, so wasn't it really a favour to her?) he crawled into the room and took a moment to complete exactly what he was looking for.
In a family as big as theirs, budgeting was a must; as demonstrated whenever a Dust Cloud Brawl erupted over a nickel. Considering the lockdown it would be even more pressing to make sure that every cent was accounted for. They probably had a budget written down somewhere; and if it was a good budget they'd probably written down whatever extra income they'd gotten and maybe even where it came from!
Satisfied with his own cleverness, Lincoln quickly went about sneaking through his parents' bedroom for the big ledger he was used to seeing on old T.V. shows. But much to his dismay his search came up empty, sure he found plenty of nasty adult clothing (why did girls need so many bras, and how come some were so scratchy and frilly?) in their closet, a freshly charged video camera for some reason, some weird products he couldn't think of a use for and some more weird stuff he could think of a use for but really wished he couldn't, but no ledger.
It was when Lincoln opened their drawer and saw Mom's laptop that it suddenly occurred to him that Mom and Dad probably didn't need some old dusty book when they had a perfectly good computer around instead. Feeling a bit silly he grabbed the computer and plopped on the bed, only to feel even sillier when he realised that Mom had a password; because why wouldn't she?
Now how could he get in?
He put the laptop aside and thought to himself; Lisa could crack anything, and if he explained why she might open the laptop in seconds. But Lisa also loved to experiment on people and she might demand he drink something that gave him two butts and no wiener!
Lisa could be plan B.
Or Z if he thought of another few.
But as for plan A….
He started trying any passwords that came to mind; the family's various birthdays- nothing. Their names and some variants they could have- nothing. The tile of Mom's book- nothing. Her maiden name- also nothing.
He had typed in what was probably a hundred different things now and all he had to show for it was cramped hands and less time!
Think Lincoln; if there's a budget in here then it would have to be something Dad would remember too!
Lincoln thought over every specific thing that his parents had in common, aside from him and his sisters of course. They both seemed to at least like British stuff, so he tried some British musician names- nothing. The many names Britain had- but no variant of UK, Empire or England let him in.
The name of the hotel where they got kicked out because of skinny dipping? No.
The comedians he knew they both liked? No
He tried a few other things as well, but his hands were starting to seriously cramp. He had to think properly now; what was one thing that they both would definitely remember; and remember to spell right?
Something that meant something to them, that only they would know…
A sudden memory of letters came to him in a flash. He narrowed his eyes in focus and typed in his guess.
Nothing.
He very nearly threw the laptop in frustration; he was out of ideas.
Looks like Lisa gets a test subject after al-
He stopped as something occurred to him.
He hadn't spelled it right, or at least he didn't think so. There was another way to spell the name of the place he'd typed.
With hope beyond hope, he entered it again, this time as he remembered it;
Banger's & Mosh.
This time with an ampersand.
He grinned as the screen shifted to a standard desktop display! Who said that Lincoln Loud wasn't smart? Well probably Mom if she caught him, so he quickly went back into the vent and popped the cover on before beginning his search. He didn't know why they were keeping stuff from them, but he doubted they'd be happy to see him breaking into their privacy to find out.
He was able to find the budget easy enough; it was in a folder on the desktop. Within was a series of spreadsheet files listed by month going all the way back since before he was born. Clicking on the current month's spreadsheet he found what he was looking for;
Mom and Dad kept good, simple budgets and sadly the income column was distressingly nearly empty. Only a few hundred dollars was coming in from Mom's job, and nothing from Dad's. Lincoln swallowed as he realised that the only reason they weren't losing thousands per month just to cover their bills was because of the new income listed as 'special'.
Special was right; because whatever it was had brought in a lot of money already! It wasn't nearly as much as Dad's restaurant had made, or what Mom's job brought in on a good week but it covered the food bills.
But 'special' was the only detail that was given. The only other things he could get from the dates (since last month didn't have 'special' in the tab then) was that 'special' had only really started bringing in money a week or so ago.
But if Mom and Dad had left that detail on Mom's laptop; then maybe they had left other clues elsewhere. Quickly he started going through some other pages, including the internet. He wasn't really comfortable trying to look through their banking details online (and were they probably smart enough not to keep that password in their browser unlike Lori that one time), so he instead looked through their history for-
"EWWW," He gagged. In between the boring and innocent was a very noticeable, probably pornographic website.
And it came up a lot.
Did Mom let Dad use her computer for this? There was no way that she couldn't know about it, and they spend so much time together that she probably couldn't hide it from him if it was her doing either.
Did they… did they watch it together?
Lincoln felt his tummy tremble in the same way as when he remembered walking on his sisters doing that. Quickly turning his thoughts away from exactly how he learnt each of them didn't dye their hair, he instead went through the history again for clues.
Nothing really stood out, apart from that gross website.
The gross website that only really started showing up a week ago. Before then it appeared a few times in the previous month, but it was only this month that they really started visiting it. As Lisa would say; the correlation was obvious.
With dread he prepared himself, first girding his loins (which he thought meant clenching his stomach so he wouldn't throw up), then turning down the volume in case it was a loud site. Then finally; clicking onto the site itself in the history.
Lincoln Loud immediately regretted life.
Before him was a website with dozens of thumbnails depicting older men and women in varying states of enjoying each other's company. Beneath each was a brief synopsis of the 'plot' of each video along with three or four porn categories/tags the videos fit into.
At the top of the site was a new set of videos that had a couple with blurred out faces, but Lincoln recognised their body types anyway. Not wanting to believe it, he looked to the top of the site where the members tab indicated that the computer was already logged in under a name and he clicked onto it, hoping that there would be something to disprove the theory forming in his mind.
But it did not.
Instead there was a clear tab named 'Videos Uploaded (4)'. There, there were the videos from the top of the site. The newer ones had more tags on them, some nasty things that Lincoln was pretty sure he didn't even know but had far more views than the older ones which seemed to just be 'normal' stuff.
And the very first one had been posted just a little before the start of the month.
That night's dinner was awkward.
Lincoln had only needed a minute to log out of the laptop and put everything back; but the rest of the afternoon hadn't helped put his mind at ease.
His parents put dirty videos of themselves on the internet. He knew they'd flip their lids if anyone else in the family tried that, but there they were.
There probably wasn't a way to get them down either, he'd heard from both Lisa and Clyde that once something was on the internet it was up for good.
What would happen next?
He knew that Rusty liked looking online for stuff like that; Clyde too. What if they recognised his parents? Their faces were blurred, but even so…
"What's the matter Lincoln, did I overglaze the ham?" Lincoln was broken from his thought by his father's words.
"No Dad, everything's fine." Lincoln looked up, but couldn't quite meet his father's gaze. He hadn't watched the videos, but the tags had given him a distressing insight into his parents as sexual beings. "I'm just tired."
"Well okay then, if you can't finish your dinner then just pop it in the fridge," Dad nodded to himself, causing the to hit his face in new ways and Lincoln noticed a few new wrinkles. "I might be able to make something with it for lunch tomorrow…"
"That sounds great Dad!" Luan cheered, happy with her own meal. "Just be sure not HAM it up too much!"
"Oh don't you worry honey," the man smiled as he shifted his attention to his daughter and gave her a wink. "I'll stick to the meat and potatoes!"
The two laughed while some of the others gave smiles before returning to their admittedly sparse topics for conversation (there was only such much that happening after all). All the while Lincoln picked at his food, his stomach still a bit queasy as he realised his food was paid for by his parent's…
Embarrassment?
Shame?
Disgrace?
"So how did you get all this anyway?" He heard Lori ask their mother. "Lincoln was literally asking us all day if we knew anything."
"I managed to get a publisher interested in my book, and they gave us an advance." Mom replied.
That sounded believable, Mom had probably thought it up after their conversation.
"That's great Mom!" Luan chirped. "We all knew you could do it!"
"Yeah Mum!"
"Way to go!"
Lincoln looked up as the rest of the family cheered for her and saw the tightness of her smile.
The hidden shame behind her eyes.
"I'm proud of you sweetheart." His father spoke, and Lincoln saw his father looking his mother in eyes. "I know it was hell-"
"Language Dad!" Lori gasped.
"Lori; chill," Luna snapped.
Lynn Sr refocussed himself. "I know it was difficult at times, and I could see that you nearly gave up more than once; but you always pulled through. And know it wasn't for yourself either, God knows I saw how this weighed on you. But you pushed forward anyway and now; look at us."
He swept his hand to indicate the whole table. "All this; it's because of you."
Mom raised a hand to her eyes and wiped away a little wetness. "Thanks Lynn, you always were m-my rock and I-I," she sniffled and held in a sob with her hand.
Lincoln looked down at his meal again.
"Thanks Mom," Rita looked up, to see her only son eating again. "I guess I really never realised how far you'd go for us."
He looked at his father, "you too Dad. It's probably been really hard on you both."
Lynn Sr's smile flickered for a moment, then the man relaxed back as if at ease. "Aww, don't you worry about that. Just enjoy the meal and if you're really grateful; help with the clean-up!"
Some of the girls laughed a little and the table returned to conversation with maybe a little less tension than before. Lincoln contemplated his meal again.
It would be a real disgrace to waste it.
A/N:
I planned a short ficlet about the Loud family's shenanigans tormenting Lincoln in various ways, culminating in him needing eyebleach after investigating exactly how the thirteen strong family was even paying for their food at this point. But with the Loud Family you never can tell where sentiment is going to creep in, so this strange family/humour hybrid was born.
