Burger Hero 3: Working with the Police

Lincoln raced across the city excitedly, jumping from roof to roof with a light step.

Of course, this was nothing new, his super-powered legs carried him quicker than any car and fighting crime was always thrilling in a way- but tonight was special;

He was being summoned!

There; in the sky was a light with a burger shaped shadow in the middle. It didn't take Lisa to figure out that someone was emulating MidKnight's iconic signal!

And it was for him, all for him. Someone actually wanted to talk to him seriously, even if the light was hitting a blimp rather than the clouds ("that is practically impossible in real life male sibling" Lisa explained in her usual dry tone) it surely meant that the police wanted to work with him.

Things were finally looking up for him, and as he skidded to halt in the parking lot outside the police station he found himself validated to see a small army of police officers surrounding a massive light with a cardboard burger taped on the top.

"Burger Brawler?" The Police Chief stepped forward.

"Y-yeah!" He exclaimed, his cheerful voice reverberating with the voice changer in the suit throat "That's me!"

The chief was a visibly strong man, but getting on in years. He raised a gloved hand and Lincoln shakily extended it to shake, "I'm Chief Willis of the Royal Woods police department; I've heard a lot about you young man."

"You have?" Lincoln smiled, "I hope I made a good impression."

"Of course, we don't get many home grown… heroes like you." The man smiled. "In fact, we have something very special for you- a token of our appreciation for trying so hard to make our jobs easier."

"Oh you didn't have to get me anything," Lincoln flushed under his cowl. "I was just trying to help!"

"Oh we know, but we already got it so..." the man held his other hand out and a heavy suitcase was handed to him by a subordinate. "Why don't you close those eyes since it's a surprise?"

"O-okay!" His voice squeaked a bit in joy and he shut his eyes.

"Are you peeking?" The man's voice was cheerful.

"No!"

"Those lenses mean I can't see, so I have to trust you." The Chief laughed. "Cup your hands for me and I'll give it to you."

Feeling a bit silly, Lincoln obediently held his hands out together like he was cupping water- and suddenly felt and heard two hard clicks around his wrists. His eyes snapped open and he saw himself in a set of handcuffs.

He looked up at the suddenly humourless expression of Chief Willis with questions and betrayal.

"John Doe- also known as 'Burger Brawler'," the man glared down. "You are under arrest for Vigilantism, assault and destruction of public property. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-"

"WHAT!?" He gasped, and drew back- the crowd of officers suddenly surrounding him. "I thought you wanted to work together!"

"Police and criminals don't mix." The Chief curtly replied. "Resist and we are prepared to use force to detain you."

Lincoln gaped for a second, then glared in defiance. "I've been beating up bad guys all month; how come you think you can take me?"

The Chief indicated to the handcuffs with a touch of smugness.

Lincoln rolled his eyes and pulled his wrists apart- snapping the chain with ease.

"… I guess it'll take time to kick in..." The Chief muttered to himself, the quiet words only bared picked by Lincoln's enhanced ears as the man backed up, and his officers did the same.

"What takes time to kick in?" Lincoln snapped, the only thing he could feel 'kicking in' was his temper.

The Chief said nothing in surprise, and Lincoln looked around in annoyance. "If you're not going to say anything, then can I go? I don't really feel like staying around-"

"Sure you don't want to taunt us about how much better of a job you're doing than us?" One of the officers called out.

"Yeah- rub it in why don't you!"

"No I-" Lincoln frowned. "You know what- I don't feel like sticking around to find out what you did."

He grabbed his left cuff and tore it off, shattering it in the process before doing the same with the other-

"STOP!" The Chief demanded, and all the police suddenly backed away with wide eyes. "YOU'RE GETTING IT EVERYWHERE!"

"Getting what everywhere-" Lincoln stared at the cuff debris for a moment.

The way they'd snapped had felt different from steel. "… what were those cuffs made of?"

The Chief was visibly sweating, and Lincoln noted for the first time that the gloves he wore looked rubbery rather than like something made of wool or leather.

"They were made of an element that our lab boys say weakens you." Willis stalled. "It's very dangerous- you could get someone very sick they get even a bit on them-"

"What!?" Lincoln gasped, then started dusting himself off, if it could hurt him in his super-powered state then who knows what it could do to him when the serum wore off!? Heck, who knows what it could do to just the people who were near him!? "What is it?"

The Chief hesitated…

The comm in his ear suddenly buzzed, "base to BB," Lisa's modulated came through to his ear only. "I'm reading a slight, but unnatural increase in your suit's radiation levels, what's going on?"

"Radiation… " Lincoln gasped, then glared at the Police Chief. "This stuff is radioactive? What, did you try and poison me with Plutonium or something?"

The expression of the chief was stern, but slightly guilty. "We did what we had to do to-"

"Wait- really?" The boy looked around to see the confirmation in the faces of the Police around him. "And you all went along with this-OH FU-FRIG IT!" Lincoln turned and darted through the crowd of officers with his speed. "I wouldn't want to work with you anyway- you guys are dicks!"


"If it will put your mind at east, elder sibling," Lisa assured him from behind the decontamination shower curtain in her bunker. "My scans indicate that the spent fuel they used to make your constraints was well past use- so the rate and amount of exposure was insignificant, you very well could have simply gone to bed without issue. Pop-culture greatly exaggerates the dangers of nuclear power-"

"Yeah sure, whatever Leese," Lincoln grumbled. Considering that Lisa Loud routinely lost her hair and had an ever changing amount of fingers and toes from that 'exaggerated danger' he wasn't taking his chances.


Loud Lockdown's Silly Sequel (Non-canon to the original chapter)

Lincoln had remained silent about their new source of income. Instead, whenever Lori asked from now on he would raise the possibility of Mom's book doing well, despite the fact that they'd never heard the title and it was in the middle of an economic downturn.

Then Luna came to him, and he'd told her that he thought they might be welfare- since Mom and Dad had so many kids after all.

Then finally Luan came to him, and she'd flopped down next to him on the bed.

"Hey Linc, wanna hear a story?" Luan grinned.

"Sure!" He chirped, happy to listen rather than concentrate on his own Tale Teller crafting.

Luan smiled and began; "one upon a time; there was a sneaky-slippery little boy named… Abe!"

"Abe?"

"Abe," Luan nodded. "Abe was a silly boy, who liked making up stories when people asked him stuff; like when his sisters asked him 'how do our parents pay for us all?'"

Lincoln felt his stomach drop as he realised why Luan had chosen that name, "I'm not sure-"

"Shhh!" She shushed him, "I'm telling a story! Now; Abe lied to the first sister, and said that their mother's story was doing well even though he knew full well it hadn't even been finished yet!

Then; he lied to the third sister, and said they might be taking welfare even though he knew that wasn't true either!"

"Luan-"

"But!" She cut him off with a raised finger. "The fourth sister was a clever girl, and knew that Abe would just keep telling lies unless she had the truth; so she just checked her cameras and- we all know you know Lincoln."

Oh right, Lincoln remembered; Luan records everything.

"Well… why did you ask me then?" Lincoln questioned. "If you already knew about the…"

Wait, did they know?

"The porn payout, oh yeah!" Luan nodded, confirming his suspicions. "We just wanted to know if you knew since you just stopped asking about it. Everyone else was already in on it anyway so-"

Lincoln blinked, "wait; what!?"

"Yep," Luan scooted backwards. "All the big kids, all those times you caught us? We were making stuff for our own channels!"

She suddenly jumped forwards so he had to look into her eyes; "you wanna know what mine's all about!?"

Lincoln stared into the depths of… glee?

"No. No I-"

"Clowns," she breathed, then fell back onto her butt before jumping up again; "now c'mon, since you know about this stuff now we've all decided there's no point in keeping you from it!"

Lincoln stared at her, still trying to avoid thinking about his sister in her clown getup doing stuff- "what do you mean?"

"It's time for orientation!" Luan suddenly got a wild smirk and clapped her hands; "and you know what; I think I want to speed things up a bit!" She drew in a breath; "GIIIIRLS! HE'S RESISTING!"

"Wait what? But I didn't even-" Lincoln was cut off as Lori, Lynn and Luna suddenly burst through his door and stuffed him into a burlap sack.


"Oh by the way, the big money is coming in from the weirder stuff." Lori sighed, "so get ready for THAT."

The orientation in the basement was every bit as gross as he would have imagined.

Colder too, since he was conspicuously absent of vital butt protection.

"Why would I need to?" Lincoln gagged at the thought of his parents doing 'weird stuff'. "I mean, the only thing that's changed is that I know-"

"You didn't see the new ones did ya?" Luna looked up from her laptop, wearing some undecipherable expression.

It was true, there were actually alot of videos that were still uploading when he'd checked them, but he had been avoiding looking at the thumbnails at that point.

Lincoln felt his stomach drop out as his 'shenanigans sense' warned him of pain to come. "N-no; why?"

"Because WE'RE in them," Luan exclaimed. "We do stuff for the main channel as well, not just our own; and trust me- we're doing some strange stuff in them!"

Lincoln's tummy came back up again, and he needed to focus to stop it coming out of his mouth.

"Oh, oh yeah that's literally the expression I made too." Lori nodded.

"Why did ya think we were doin' it so much?" Luna sighed. "But I've gotta be honest with ya; wankin' is the least of it bruv!"

Lincoln started inching away from the group on the couch. "... Okay; thanks for adding to the budget I guess- well time to go- ERK!"

Lincoln found himself being suspended mid air by his turkey tail.

"Yeah; no." Lori grinned with malice. "You know now, so we've gotta make sure you're in this too!"

"In this?" Lincoln gasped.

"Yeah bruv, everyone who finds out; we gotta make sure they can't spill without burning themselves too!" Luna stoof up and popped her back. "It happened to everyone here- well Leni volunteered-"

"I love making people happy!"

"But all of us- we all gotta contribute somehow!" Luan nodded. "And we've all done our gimmicks for the site!"

Lincoln's eye twitched, "... well okay. I didn't need to know that. But what do you want me to d-Luan please stop making that face."


"You get these back AFTER you finish the SHOT!" Luan laughed as she dangled Lincoln's clothes out of his reach, the boy ineffectually jumping up to try and grab them with one hand as he cupped his naughty bits with the other.

"Girl PLEASE!" He begged, looking around- specifically at their faces since everything below was nude- "this is weird!"

"I know son," Lynn Sr sighed behind the camera. "But shota-incest-reverse-gangbangs are practically unheard of in live action, we'll have a monopoly on the market!"

"But I'm still- I don't want to do it!" Lincoln protested.

"Yeah well, most of us didn't want to do it with Lori either," Lynn Jr shrugged. "It's about time you pitched in too!"

"Yeah; stop whingin' Link or we're skippin' to the peggin' scene!" Luna grinned.

"Hey, can we do that first anyway?" Lynn stared at Lincoln's firm buttocks, jiggling only slightly as he jumped for his clothes again. "I mean, just LOOK at those cheeks...