Burger Hero 4: Public Relations
BANG!
Lincoln winced as the bullet struck his elbow, not piercing his skin or costume of course thanks to the Burger-formula and Lisa's special fabric. That said the boy wasn't outright invulnerable and knew he'd be nursing a nasty welt there for a few days.
"Hey- that hurt!" He protested, "you're just gonna lose anyway so-"
BANG!
"OW!" The bullet bounced off his exposed chin, this time actually breaking the skin but still ultimately breaking away. The formula would effectively ruin any DNA that possibly remained on the ricocheting slug and Lisa's special makeup could cover up the knick and bruise, but it still hurt!
"Seriously stop!" He whinged, glaring at the buff and well armed man. "You can see this isn't working- haven't you seen any movies? The goons never win so just stop! You're just making me-
BANG!
When Lincoln Loud first put on the mask he had expected a few things, ridicule being only the most obvious.
Opposition? Sure, no one likes getting busted up, criminals most of all!
Horrible crime scenes? Absolutely; he was used to nightmares now.
What he had hoped for was to break up the increasingly well organised criminals and their armed squads that were infiltrating Royal Woods, and he had largely succeeded within a few weeks. After all, even after the goons had switched to primarily guns rather than trying to outmuscle the little superhero they still didn't have anything to actually take him down with, even their more clever solutions of poison gas had only given him the runs thanks to the formula!
But one thing that he had not hoped for or expected…
Was being shot in his testicles.
The pain hadn't registered yet as he stared at the criminal with disbelief, the big man giving him a smarmy smirk. The suit, aside from being durable didn't have much in the way of hard armour or padding- so a cup was out of the question. Instead the bullet bounced off as usual, but the soft and squishy bits down there bounced with the impact, thankfully not bursting or tearing, but easily sustaining enough damage to bruise to an almost literal set of blue balls across the next few hours.
"Yeah, ain't got nothin' for that do ya Bun Boy?" The thug drawled, and suddenly aimed with both hands at Lincoln's right eye-
Only for a very angry red-gloved fist to break his jaw and send him flying into some trash cans. Staggering as the pain from his naughty bits radiated up to his tummy Lincoln could do little more than grab the sore parts and whimper as he hobbled away.
"… Burger Brawler reportedly left the crime scene after the assault took place-"
"Turn it off Lori," Lincoln groaned, slouching over the sofa.
"Oh how come Lincoln?" Lori laughed. "Don't you want to see your hero?"
There had been someone filming last night's incident, because of course there were. Royal Woods wasn't the most 'exciting' place, so something like Burger Brawler's 'adventures' was good for both Viewtube views and the local news channels ratings. Whoever it was had been hidden as Lincoln fought the gang at their warehouse, but had popped out the camera just in time to see Burger Brawler take a magnum round to his balls and shuffle away with both hands clenched over his groin.
Of course, that was what was getting sent around the news round- the little detail of the warehouse in question having belonged to one of the wealthier companies in town being used for illegal activities was a byline if there at all.
"Nah dude, change the channel already," Luna griped. "Sure it was funny this mornin', but it's been hours and it's still on TV!"
"Burger Brawler stuff is good for their ratings," Luan sighed, looking up from her laptop, Mr Coconuts sitting next to her slumped over. "I can't say I blame them for jumping on the bandwagon."
"I counting that as two to two," Lori smirked. "And as the one in charge I say my vote counts for more- so lets see just what else our 'local hero' did this time!"
She relaxed as the news presenter continued with their story;
"The Brawler left sixteen alleged gang members hospitalised and released two captives before police arrived- one of the captives, one Jerome Schaltz had this to say;"
The camera cut to footage of an older man with tan skin and trembling lips; "I swear, I'm grateful; but for heaven's sake man change your costume."
Lincoln groaned, and grabbed the remote to switch it over, but his efforts to spare himself were in vain.
"Mr Krawshank's lawyers confirmed that her clients would be suing the City as well as The Burger Brawler;"
"City Hall has clearly been lax in their efforts to detain this criminal," the portly lawyer declared. "All the while benefitting from his excessive and unaccountable force- my clients are entitiled to-"
Lincoln clicked over again, ignoring the snickering from Lori.
"Mr Mayor, could you explain the motive behind this bounty?"
"I cannot and will not condone vigilantism in this city," the Mayor gruffly uttered. "Whatever this 'Burger Brawler's' contributions he remains a vigilante, and must be brought to justice for damaging public property and endangering the public- no further questions!"
"But Mr Mayor-"
"No further questions!"
Luna whistled. "Dang Linc… looks like your hero's gonna have to go underground!"
"Yeah, he's got lawyers and the fuzz after him..." Lynn stopped bouncing her ball for a second. "And probably everyone who needs a dime. Hey; how much is that bounty again?"
A bit of research confirmed the report; the city had placed a reward for any information that revealed the true identity of Burger Brawler and/or contributed to his arrest. This is of course soured Lincoln considerably; not only did he go out night after night in that silly costume and get irradiated by the Police but now the people he was saving wanted him gone!
Also his balls were still swollen and throbbed horribly as he walked from school. Lisa had assured him there was no permanent damage though.
In between her decisively unprofessional giggles of course.
"I think he might be wearing it to cheer the victims up," Clyde thought aloud. "I mean, he can punch through walls and stuff; why wouldn't he just get a better costume if it wasn't deliberate?"
The guys (and girl since Stella had joined) were talking about Burger Brawler again. Lincoln had been flattered for the first five minutes they'd done it the first time, until they started laughing at just how silly his theme was. Now weeks later of unending mirth at the hero's expense and Lincoln just wished they would find something new to talk about.
"Hey Stella, what's that thing you've been working on?" Lincoln tried to redirect the conversation.
"Oh, you mean this?" Stella pulled out a small machine. "It's nothing much, just something for class-"
"Hey Lincoln, why do you think BB dressed like a freakin' Burpin' Burger?" Rusty snorted. "I mean, obviously he's not trying to get laid but-"
"Eww Rusty; don't you think about anything else?" Stella made a face, her little machine stuffed back into her skirt pocket before Lincoln could find out what it did.
"I'm a healthy man Stella; I'm not gonna pretend otherwise!" The nasally-voiced eleven year old declared.
"Maybe he just doesn't have anything else to wear?" Lincoln threw out, hoping to avoid another argument. "It could just be that's the only bullet proof stuff he has so he has to make do? You know, or his clothes would get blown off and he'd have to fight naked!"
"But why would he even have a bulletproof burger mascot costume in the first place?" Clyde wondered. "It's not like people do drive-bys at Burpin' Burger."
"I dunno, they sure like taking pop shots at someone's burgers," Rusty snickered, and the rest of the group sans Lincoln Laughed. "I can't believe that guy got that on camera!"
Lincoln rolled his eyes. Even if the bounty was lifted tomorrow, there was no way he could reveal his identity; forget the danger from criminals (they were mostly just local thugs now anyway) between the government's opposition and the sheer mockery of his friends and family; the knowledge that he fought crime in that costume would surely ruin his life forever!
Nuuo mentioned that he had an idea for what could have happened if Lincoln had not found the exact details of what his parents were doing in Lockdown, except that they were doing something to help the family out. This is the story he wrote, so if you want to let him know how he did just leave a section of any reviews left here addressed to him or simply PM him.
Lockdown Sequel (Nuuo's story):
"You remember like how we rehearsed honey?" Lincoln nodded, "Yes, mom."
Lynn Sr. was setting up the camera again, pointing at his son wearing his pyjamas after a shower, and his wife in her robe. Both on the bed.
He had used to use this camera for home movies of his children's first moments. Their births, their first feeding, their first steps, first ice cream sundae. Now he was recording another of their firsts that he wished he didn't have to do. But their pantry was running low again and it was his wife's idea. He couldn't even argue against it knowing what was at stake. He pressed the button to record and the light turned on, he looked at his wife to signal the camera was rolling.
"Ok, so why don't you introduce yourself to the audience?"
"Hi! I'm Lincoln L-"
"No need for last names Lincoln, only your first."
"O-ok, sorry." Lincoln said while scratching his head in embarrassment.
"Do you have a favorite food Lincoln?"
The boy beams "Yes! peanut butter sandwiches, I eat mine with sauerkraut instead of jelly."
"Do you have any hobbies, Lincoln?" The mother asks
"I like reading comic books!"
"Is that all?"
"Well, I like to draw, and help out my family whenever I can, my sisters can be very demanding."
"How many sisters do you have?"
"Ten!" The boy stated.
"My! That is a lot of sisters, any brothers?"
"N-no, just sisters." Lincoln says nervously again.
Rita shifts her position a bit better to make herself more comfortable, getting closer to her son. "You're doing great Lincoln don't worry." Rita whispers into his ear. She straightens back up and loosens her robe a bit. "Do you like helping ALL your sisters?"
"Y-yeah, some of the stuff they have me help with can be a bit embarrassing, like my younger sister wants me to play with her in her tea parties, or my older sister has me stand-in as her model."
"What about your parents, do you love helping them?"
"Yeah! I'd help them with anything if I could, but I'm not good at a lot of stuff. But I cook breakfast sometimes and help with groceries, I try helping my mom write a book and I helped my dad make a commercial for his restaurant!"
The little interview is going smoothly so far, these kinds of videos start off with a lot of easy questions. Arguably boring at first but fans loved seeing how innocent a performer starts before the more adult questions were asked.
Lynn Sr. knew what was coming next and his eyes began to water. He checked the zoom setting on his son and wife and resets the position better so as both Lincoln and his interviewing mom were in the picture. He motioned to his wife and son and moves out the way.
"The camera is still recording, I'm sorry but I can't be here for this." He says as he leaves. He wanted to say more but he couldn't.
"What's wrong with D-" "Lincoln, focus." Rita interrupts in a stern fashion. She had to mentally loosen up herself, but it wasn't like she was as squeamish as her husband. The wine she drank helped further after the pause.
"We'll fix some of this in editing, but now are the real questions."
"Real questions?"
"Yes, so, Lincoln, you said you like helping out your sisters. Would you say any of them are pretty?"
Lincoln starts to look nervous, he was hoping no one would notice him casting lingering looks at his older sisters or mother.
"They're all pretty, I like helping all of them!"
"And what about your mother?"
"She's pretty too, I'd help her with anything!"
"Anything, Lincoln?" Rita says as she lays a hand on the boy's thigh. Sipping more wine.
"Y-y-yeah!" Lincoln says with a yip after feeling his mother squeeze his leg as her touch lingers further and further up more.
"Why don't you start with taking off your shirt then?"
Lincoln blushed but complied soon afterward, unbuttoning his night shirt.
"Is this better?" Lincoln said, but gawked as he saw his mother's robe fall to the ground.
Lynn Sr. was finishing his second cigarette and stared at the starry sky outside. He had found and confiscated a carton of cigarettes from his third oldest, but not after giving her a stern talking to. There wasn't much to punish her with since all his children were essentially grounded for their safety. The time when his family could leave the house freely made more unclear with every passing day after looking at the news. He heard the door rattle and saw his son step out, his clothes a little dishevelled and skin a light blushing red. An hour had passed, Lynn knew after checking his watch just minutes prior.
"H-hey dad." The time it took for the father to reply felt like forever.
"Hey, son." They both stood quiet and just listened to the bugs and watched the occasional car passing by.
"You're a good boy Lincoln, you know that?"
