Burger Hero 7: Franchising

"Hungry after a day of battling baddies!?" 'Burger Brawler' declared. "I know I am, and the best place for a hankerin' for hamburgers is the Burpin' Burger- with their grade B beef and extra spice it's always extra nice!" The 'Brawler' leaned in and gave wink, "can't wait to see ya there!"

"They gave him open eyeholes," Lincoln groaned, slouched in his spot on the couch. "They didn't even get that right."

"I think it's totes cute!" Leni said through a burger, "and maybe if he keeps working with Lori he can buy a new suit!"

"Sure Leni," Lori sighed and gave her a gentle pat on the head. "I'm sure he'll get right on that."

The Burger Brawler 'craze' (or at least notoriety) was going to be exploited sooner or later- and as more and more Burger Brawler merchandise started appearing and more mascots in BB costumes popped up even Lincoln was starting to sour against the sight of his costume (more than he already had even!). Even the airwaves weren't free from Brawler antics now!

"Uhh, dudes?" Luna leaned over and whispered. "I thought you were gonna tell Leni that the mascots aren't actually you know- him?"

"We tried," Lori groaned. "For literal hours- I'm still not sure if she understands or not. She just keeps getting those Burgers anyway!"

True to Lori's word, Leni munched away at yet another burger from a bag filled with little cardboard cartons of the things she'd purchased at the behest of her 'hero'- somehow eating her way through more snacks in an hour than Lincoln could in a night with no apparent problem.

"How is she even eating them all?" Lynn tilde her head. "Her hips should be wider than Mom's now?"

"I don't know, maybe it has something to do with her weird strength?" Lori pondered.

"Maybe," Lynn titled her head and seemed to think. "Hey- do you think BB's strength comes from all the Burgers he eats?"

Lincoln froze.

"I think he'd probably get heart disease first," Lori rolled her eyes. "Why?"

Lynn kicked her feet up, "nothin'; just thinking that maybe all that protein had to go somewhere- Leni's sure strong and she's downing 'em like water."

"Yeah, but Leni's been super strong since before BB was around." Luna shrugged. "It's probably a coincidence."

"Maybe…" Lynn went back to watching the TV, and Lincoln relaxed just a little.


"Come by Bernie's Burger Bonanaza for our Heroic Hamburger Hamper!" A costumed woman called out- handing out flyers to any who couldn't dodge her fast enough.

"Searching for a snack- try our Super Sunday Surprise!" Another Burger-clad mascot waved at passing cars.

"Dang it, can't they give it a break!?" Lincoln groused, sourly dodging one burger themed advertisement after another.

"I hear you, but I thought you liked BB?" Clyde nimbly dodged one flyer- only to find himself face to face with another Burger Fool bearing a plastered smile under their poorly fitted cowl. Her eyes were dull (presumably from hours of her currently assigned nonsense) but nonetheless she prepared her own flyer and motto.

"Bopping baddies giving you the munchies? Get ready for a great time at Gus' Games and Grub!" The tall woman flashed out her own flyer- but all the empty enthusiasm in the world couldn't have made her seem any more authentic.

But the standard slow death of the soul that accompanies any who wore the suit or its imitations didn't catch Lincoln's interest. He and Clyde had been walking down the street home for a while now- and the assorted 'Burger Brawlers' who had been roped into wearing some version of his suit littered the busy restaurant district much like the flyers did. Indeed, the section of town once famous for its fusion cuisine had largely rebranded itself along theme of the town 'hero', and while they still retained their roots in the actual contents of the dishes the names and appearances of said food were now so utterly Burgerised that there was nary a menu in town not filled with Hamburger puns of some sort- and their much saddened employees bore the brunt of trying to stand out with the same gimmick.

So when yet another raised their weary head and mustered up just enough energy to avoid firing, it was nothing new.

The voice that had come out of this particular Burger Fool was another thing entirely. It took Lincoln a moment, but it clicked when he read the name of the establishment in question on the flyer.

"Lori- is that you?"

The fool froze, and her eyes suddenly refocused to take in exactly who she was talking to "I-" her voice suddenly became gruffer. "I have no idea who this Lori Loud' person is- I'm clearly Burger Buf- Brawler and I'm sure someone as refined as Lori would never have anything to-"

Her ineffectual protestations were cut off as Clyde looked over what figure was still visible under the suit. The McBride boy knew Lori's dimensions to nigh the nearest molecule- and thus upon seeing them matched the usual small blood waterfall from his nose erupted and rendered all doubt moot.

As well as staining the remaining flyers beyond recognition.

"Dang it…" Lori's normal voice dripped with defeat. "I'm literally going to have to pay for these."

Lincoln stared up at his normally (somewhat) composed sister. Not even her previous uniform would match the sheer embarrassment the teenager must have felt wearing the giant burger.

"I will actually twist you into a Pretzel if you tell anyone about this."


Alas, while most restaurants around town were happy to profit from his image- Burger Brawler himself was decidedly persona non grata within. Even if some of the owners might have been fine with him personally, the previous Burpin' Burger incident was enough to dissuade him from finding out.

But while this bit of casual exploitation was an annoyance to Lincoln, he nonetheless had his duties to fulfil. At least for now; seemingly most of the hardened criminal organisations in Royal Woods had fallen to his fists- and while there still the odd gang here and there the simple fact that getting too active would invite an unstoppable baddie beatdown dissuaded the worst of the scum.

It's hard to be ambitious with a guaranteed defeat on the horizon, even if said defeat had a snack shaped profile.

But as said profile darted from roof to alley, the little hero found himself in a bind:

"Let him go you waste of human life!" Lincoln demanded- before him was a problem not even his superpowers would easily solve.

A baddie had his gun to an innocent man's head- the soon to be convict had stolen said weapon from a crime scene but had the misfortune to have been spotted and his description called in. While he was a wily criminal who darted between buildings to confound helicopters and changed his clothes from prepared stashes to do the same to street based trackers- Lincoln's superpowers made finding him a simple task.

Getting him to loosen his grip upon this innocent man- grabbed as soon as he realised just what was tracking him down (again; a Burger profile was not as stealthy as one might assume, yes even less than that) was another matter.

"Nah, me an' 'ims got us a date tonight- isn't that right sonny?" The sweaty criminal sneered to his captive.

"P-please just do as he says," the wide eyed man begged. "I have a family!"

"Yeah, he's got a family," the crim laughed. "Just look at 'im, I bet 'is mum would bawl 'er eyes out if 'e never made it home!"

The man shrunk a bit, "w-well maybe not Mom but-"

"Eh-" the criminal and Lincoln both stopped for a moment. "Whaddya mean sonny?"

"Me and Mom don't really get along." The Man admitted.

The Crim shrugged. "Well maybe 'is dad then-"

"I never met Pops."

The Criminal stared at his victim "… a lady friend?"

"My wife left me," The Man sighed.

"Any kids?"

The Man's eyes welled up a bit, "A-amy left because I can't have any."

The Criminal and Lincoln both stared awkwardly as The Man sniffled.

The little hero felt the need to pipe up, "well I bet you still have people who care about you- friends and-"

"Don't have any friends anymore, they all moved on years ago." He replied despondently. "Last time I saw my best friend he didn't even recognise me." He sighed and looked to the sky. "Y-you know, I was just let go from my job today too. A-and I'm behind on rent. I'm sorry- I don't really have a family. I don't really mind what happens next so just do your thing and get it over with."

The two could only watch as The Man relaxed and closed his eyes.

"Damn, that's just sad." The criminal shook his head. "Maybe this is a favour -"

SLPHHHRUURT!

Suddenly some white liquid splattered the two men with enough force to blast them against the wall! Lincoln danced back, and looked for the source- there!

Upon an adjacent rooftop a figure stood against the night sky- covered in some kind of short cut dress patterned with a black and white cow print. Her face was masked with a similarly patterned cowl, but dark hair (natural or a wig Lincoln couldn't tell) blew freely from the scalp. Upon her back was a backpack of sorts that had two tubes that ended in large circular nozzles that looked suspiciously like milkshake cups, dripping with the mysterious fluid.

"There's more of you freaks now? Argh, what's this shite!?" The Crim questioned, his gun clicking uselessly as his victim half-heartedly tried to pull himself free of the congealing sludge- then gave up like he had in everything else in his life. "I-I can't shoot!"

"My milkshake formula is multi purpose!" the woman laughed. "One drop can stop combustion- and a regular helping like what you've got can pin just about anyone. Go ahead and struggle- you're stuck 'till sunrise!"

"Shit!" The man growled, then glared at the heroes. "I'll get out- and then I'll- BLLURP!"

The man's mouth was swiftly sealed by another helping of the woman's sticky special!

"Sorry 'mate', but I don't want to push up the rating with that potty mouth of yours," the woman quipped, then turned to look down to where the little hero had been. "Now where did-"

"THAT WAS AWESOME!" Lincoln exclaimed from beside her- prompting to her break her composure with a yelp due to his sudden appearance. "I was worried about getting the baddie down without hurting the other guy, but then you just showed up and SPLLUUGH!" He mimicked her 'guns' and made the sound with his mouth. "Where did get those?- Does Li- BrainBox make your stuff too!?"

The woman laughed awkwardly. "I-I'm glad that you liked it, I just followed you and shot them while they were distracted though. You did most of the work so I can't claim the credit-"

"No, no, this was really good!" Lincoln grinned. "Are you gonna be a superhero too?"

"Well I didn't make all of this to go clubbing," the woman indicated to her outfit. "I don't really have a name or anything though; I just made it from some stuff I had around and thought that a Milkshake theme fit since I had a cow print dress-"

"You made your own stuff too, that's incredible!" Lincoln gushed. "This is so awesome! Are there any other's- oh wow maybe we could make a sort of Super-team like-"

But alas: while Lincoln would have gladly indulged in some fanboying over the first other superhero he had ever met- the sirens of the Police could be heard in the distance- no doubt called by someone after Burger Brawler's bounty.

The woman's head jerked as she caught the sound. "Look's like our time's running out- I've got places to be anyway-"

"Dang it," Lincoln sourly acquiesced. "Yeah they get annoying to lose if they track you- but before you go- what do I call you?"

"Oh," the woman blinked. "My names is Quin-"

"Not your real name," Lincoln hissed. "Baddies might be listening!"

"Umm, right." The Woman looked down to the very far away men still stuck in her 'milkshake' fluid. "You're snack themed for a reason right?"

"… Let's say yes." Lincoln didn't particularly feel like saying 'my little sister gives my superpower juice so she gets to make me dress up like a Burger every night' to the pretty cool lady who just helped him.

"Well..," the woman pointed her nozzle to a nearby building, and a thinner but clearly stronger fluid shot out and hit one of its walls. "Let's go with… Madame Milkshakes!"

She pressed a button, and suddenly the fluid drew back in, practically throwing her towards the building with her last word. Lincoln darted forward- and saw her nozzles somehow cut the fluid string, leaving it to suddenly fall down and start crumbling to power before casting out another 'string' to hit a different building and repeat the process- pulling her away from the first building before she even landed. It was like she was the Awesome Arachnid- or a dairy themed version of the Research Brigade from Assaulting Giants!

"Wow…." He gasped, admiring her gymnastic abilities, and staring as she made her escape.

BANG! A bullet rammed into the back of his skull, prompting a yelp. "Ow! I thought the milkshake stuff stopped-"

"FREEZE!" Below an officer aimed his weapon at the costumed hero. "POLICE!"

"Dang it."


A/N:

Special thanks to Nuuo for suggesting that Burger Brawler would inspire certain 'copycats' in general and Madam Milkshakes in particular :)