Lisa Ex Machina: Drama Destroyer Edition
The Loud House was unusually quiet this Sunday morning. The usual ruckus had instead been replaced by a cringing low murmur, only broken by a few short, hushed conversations and the irregular twisted sounds issuing from the upper floor.
DRNNNG
BRNG
DRPP-SKKRENN
Luna dropped her guitar with the final sour note, uncaring as her much loved purple guitar fell from the height of her upper bunk bed with a thud on the floor. A week ago such casual mistreatment would have been unthinkable, but then again so would have her waking nightmare.
The former musician's left hand was riddled with stitches and bandages, fingers still stiff from being freshly removed from the thicker post-surgical padding that had futilely tried to prevent further damage to the tender flesh. But after the rending that had first come from canine teeth and then scalpels and needles fumbling to pull the ruined tissues together, the semblance of the graceful hand that had been was lost anyway to the clumsy, twitching thing that could barely find the right string to press down upon on her instrument.
She had spent years honing her talent, but it had only taken a minute to ensure that Luna Loud would never be a Rockstar after all.
However she wasn't the only one left without her talent. Within the room that had once been their parents Lynn Loud was still getting used to her wheelchair. There has been no rogue hound in her crippling though, it just turned out that biking up and down stairs was bad for keeping one's neck unbroken.
The accidents had happened close to each other and the pass of loss magnified the accumulated misery of the house. Luna tried to keep her spirits up as best she could since she had lost far less than her once sporty sibling- something the others put their own efforts to as well- but knowing she would never reach her dream and feeling that reality sink in made the world feel greyer each passing day.
Honestly; the misery had mostly passed now. It was the ennui, and how each day felt longer than the last that got to her. Sure, she still had her knowledge and skill somewhere in her, and maybe she could translate that into some new musical ability but…
The best part of her life was over, everything from here on out was just a step down and further.
"It's just boring now." She sighed.
"Just boring." There was a little bottle of liquid painkiller sitting next to her. Really, she didn't need it anymore- but for a brief few hours she could forget what her life was if she kept pretending she did.
Once upon a time Luna would have scowled and turned away at the idea of ingesting hard drugs for the high, freedom loving or not too much 'fun' would eat you alive. But now the former musician had nothing else to live for-
"Wouldn't even really mind cuttin' it short now anyway-"
BLAM!
Luna's door slammed open, causing her to jump up in shock- Luan was so careful now not to startle her so who would-
"Greetings elder sibling unit!" Lisa Loud stood in the doorway, a thick cylindrical tube carried with both of her small hands. "I have come to resolve your present quandary with my superior technological ability!"
"Gah?" Luna had yet to ingest her cocktail of liquid happiness, but her mind was slow from days of lethargy anyway.
"I see that my statement has left you speechless, but let me continue," Lisa drew in a breath and presented the grey tube with blinking lights in her general direction. "Behold; the Loud Ultimate Neural Repairer- or L.U.R.N. for short. With this revolutionary device all induced disability and resulting stories of hardship that would come of it have been rendered moot!"
"Ahh," Luna's bad hand twitched. "Ah- Leese, if I'm hearing you right; you're telling me you've got something that can fix my hand?
I-is that right?"
"Correct elder sibling." Lisa declared proudly. "If you will kindly step down and-"
Luna fumbled her way down, falling more than climbing and dragged herself over to the smaller Loud. "Are you for real? You've got something that can help me?"
"Why of course that's-"
Luna put her hands, both healthy and ruined upon her little sister shoulders and looked down with desperate eyes. "Because I can't take much more Leese, w-with what's being happen'- if this turns out to just blow up like some of your other stuff I-"
Luna found her lips silenced by one of Lisa's little fingers.
"I assure you Luna, I would not present such false hope." Lisa motioned to the doorway. "And not only have I thoroughly tested this device, it already has already had a successful trial."
Luna's eyes went to the doorway and-
"Lynn," a tear ran down her cheek. "You can walk?"
The restored sportstar stood there with hands on her hands and the biggest grin Luna had ever seen her ear. "I can do more than that dude- what's say you let Lisa work her magic and you come help me toss out the wheelchair?"
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Lori looked at the blinking gadget tied to her wrist like a watch with scepticism. "I'm not sure about literally having my molecules-"
Lisa pressed a button and Lori instantly disappeared.
She proceeded to spend the next five minutes whistling, counting down the time, getting Lincoln to make her a coffee substitute (since apparently caffeine was bad for her health according to the quacks her mother sent her to, nevermind that she could probably educate them) and then resolving a few minor paradoxes in her current dimensional travel theorems. Finally she pressed another button on her computer and Lori Loud reappeared in the same spot, looking sweatier and more frazzled than before.
"Satisfied?"
Lori stared at her, then screamed. "I appeared in the middle of Bobby's cousins' apartment! They thought I was a ghost!"
"I'm sure that-"
"THEY TRIED TO EXORCISE ME!"
"Regardless you have returned," Lisa motioned to the wrist-mounted gizmo. "With some minor tweaks this device will allow you to attend Fairway University and see your chosen romantic partner- street term: main squeeze- on a regular basis without having to move out and potentially disrupt the family dynamic by leaving either Leni or Luna in charge."
"Loud?" A gruff officer stared at Luan through the bars, a plastic bag containing her regular clothes. "You're free to go.
Again."
The orange-clad girl lifted up her head, and gave her usual cheeky smile. "Wow, already? I guess Lisa's got the big man on speed-dial."
"Wouldn't surprise me after all the times she's pulled your bacon outta the fire," The Officer opened the door and practically threw the bag into her arms. "You should be locked up for good Loud and not here either- the nuthouse."
"Well, I guess it pays to have connections," Luan giggled. "Or least a sister who does, see you next April?"
The Officer's eyes twitched as she practically pranced past him, the other prisoners staring balefully as the Monster of Michigan departed with dropped charges once more.
Thus it was that through the intervention of Lisa Loud that her sisters would regain their dreams, Luan escape consequences for her criminal-level 'pranks' and Lori would be able to avoid leaving the Loud House for an overpriced dorm room. Of course, this was nothing new in the Loud House.
For while the little genus was prone of overestimating her capabilities and professionalism (as Lincoln could attest after having lost a few minor organs in Lisa's endless quest to remove at least one of his kidneys for some unstated purpose) the presence of the wunderkind rendered any great problem the family faced a non issue in the long run. No simple measure of crippling, failure or death could truly overcome the will of Lisa Loud with enough time and resources.
Or at least that is what Lisa herself would say.
But as the scientist toiled away on another watch shaped device she found herself flummoxed yet again- true reality hopping remaining out of her reach.
'Fortunately' for her, she was not the only genius who dabbled in such things.
The room lit up neon green and yellow as a watery circle suddenly appeared on the wall of Lisa's bunker and through a thoroughly sloshed man stepped. "Yo what up little d- *BURP*-dude, Rick Sanchez in the Loud House! Oh t-that's right you nerds we're doin' a crossover- y*burp*-yeah you like that don't you!?"
The blue haired man's features lost their joviality, "easily pleased Geek-"
"Sanchez." Lisa sighed and stared at her 'colleague'. "I presume that you have come to do more than antagonise any alleged inter-reality voyeurs?"
"Y-yeah, gimmie a sec," Sanchez fished around in his coat and pulled out a tube of fluid. "S-so I've been thinkin'- I don't really need a Morty since I blew up the Federation and the other Ricks can find me anyway. But what I could use is a someone who can gimmie an edge on those pricks."
He leaned forward and dangled the little tube of glowing fluid before Lisa's eyes. "Yeah that's right- all the secrets of the multiverse right here for the taking a-*burp*-and all you gotta do is help me out once in a while. W-we can call it a Rick and Lisa adventure a-and we'll f***kin' merchanise that s**t- make all those figurines that virgins buy t-to try and recapture the childhood they never actually got."
Lisa sighed, and pointedly looked away. "You may be more advanced than myself in many fields but I know a bad deal when I see one Rick and my answer will remain the same no matter what packaging you put it in. I will not be taking your alleged 'help' any time soon."
"Oh come on Einstein," Rick motioned around the lab. "Y-you're in the boonies, you know this universe doesn't even really have the good aliens either right? All the cool s**t's on the other side- this place? You're not just in Michigan, the entire universe is Michigan, you know what I'm saying?
Just try it, one trip in and out," Rick pointed at the still open portal. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"A great many things I wager," Lisa rolled her eyes. "I may be admittedly far behind you in many areas, but I assure you that word of your exploits and the fatality rates of your 'companions' is far from difficult to obtain."
"Psshw," Rick waved off her concerns. "T-those were like 70% Jerries, you can't really count those-"
Lisa sighed and put away her device. "Rick?"
"Yeah?"
"How is your family therapy going?"
Rick froze, then quick took a swig from his ever-present flask. "Great, just great- so great in fact that I don't even need to be there-"
"Morty's not taking your orders anymore is he?"
Rick slammed his hand down, shattering the vial and leaving blood and toxic fluid mixing in his cut palm. "W-what you t-think you take one look at my life through your ripoff Inter-dimensional Cable and y-you think you know me? Y-you think you can-"
"I'm not hearing a denial in those words Sanchez," Lisa coldly regarded him. "And your outburst only serves to validate my suspicions."
The older scientist glared down at her.
Then he stood up with a cool expression, letting his full height tower over the smaller genius. "You know, from the sound of things you're pretty interested in my family. You ever taken a look at yours through that thing?"
Lisa blinked, trying to piece together the sudden shift in topic. "I have."
"How many universes?"
"Two or three-"
"The gender swaps right," Rick dripped a finger into his bloody hand and pointedly wrote out a quick equation onto the table. "That's basic b**ch stuff Loud, try this the next time you're wrangling with the sixteenth Lang-Raad fold and tell me what you find."
Lisa glanced at the poorly drawn equation, instantly recognising it as the missing piece to several theorems she'd concocted in her efforts. "Why?"
Rick just smirked at her and walked back into the portal without another word, the green glow disappearing the moment he left entirely.
Lisa stared at the answer in rare confusion.
"… What's your angle Sanchez?"
It became very clear what his angle was.
There was true no trick or trap behind the equation as Lisa might have suspected, it merely allowed her device greater access to see the immediate multiverse. Specifically those universes with a relatively similarity to her, which she previously had as seen with Lincoln's alleged dreams, but on a far greater scale.
It was then however that Lisa discovered exactly what Rick Sanchez's true trap was, the true source of misery to any who dared think too long;
Reality itself.
Or in this case, multiple realities all apparently hinging on one inevitability.
And it was to the expected sight of Lisa's Loud, hunched over her device in absolute misery that Rick Sanchez returned one day later.
"Geeze Louise, what could have happened here?" The smirking scientist waltzed out of his portal, the dead eyed Lisa staring at the device in her hands in horror. "Family troubles?"
Lisa turned her shrunken eyes to him in utter disgust. "You knew."
"I know a lot of things," Rick took a long drink from his flask. "You're gonna have to be more specific."
Lisa growled and shoved her device at Rick, "ninety percent!" The little scientist growled. "That is minimal frequency of incest in the family by multiversal probability! The-the likelihood that Lincoln does not take a 'dip' in at least one of us is ten percent at best! The chances that only one sibling gets involved is-is-"
There was a snap as the device casing cracked under the sheer distress of the wunderkind's fingers.
"Oh yeah, I knew that. R-raw deal *burp*," the blue haired nihilist took another sip. "H-have you seen the ones where he knocks up the kids yet- that's where the reaaal shit starts."
"The ones where he WHATS!?"
Thus it was that Lisa Loud discovered that sometimes her super science made as many problems as it solved.
