Lisa Ex Machina: Party Pedos!
"Son, you know that tall girl you've been hanging out with?" Lynn Sr grinned with the trademark confidence and insight that came out of a bottle (or spiked punch bowl in this case). "She wants you!"
"Who, Becky?" Lincoln looked back at Becky, who was cheerfully taking another sip of the juice. "W-we're just hanging out. I think she's just being nice-"
"No, no," his father leaned down and gave him a what was probably meant to be a subtle wink. "I mean; she wants you."
Lincoln looked at him for a moment in confused.
Then flushed red in understanding. "Really Dad? Come on!"
"I-I'm serious Lincoln," Lynn nodded in agreement with himself. "Take it from me, she's been looking you up and down all night long."
"… Really?" Lincoln asked, letting just a little hope into his voice.
He was a boy in early puberty, of course he was going to want being wanted.
"Yep, saw it clear as day!" Lynn finished another tainted cup. "Want some advice?"
"YES!" Lincoln shocked himself with his eagerness, then backpedaled a bit in embarrassment. "I mean, um-"
"Well see, what you gotta do is…" Lynn motioned for the boy to lean in, and Lincoln did do. "Just… kiss her!"
"WHA-what!?" Lincoln gasped, then looked around to see if anyone was paying attention.
"T- *burp*-trust me, the ladies love confidence in a man." Lynn clapped his son on the shoulder. "Works every (other if you're lucky) time!"
"But she's way older than me!" Lincoln protested, "she'd probably go to jail- wait, what was that about every other-"
Lynn pointedly turned his son around and pushed him towards the girl of his affections, "l-look there she is, look at that sway in her hips!"
"Wha-"
"She's just far enough in the drink for third base with someone she likes- go get her champ!"
Lincoln stumbled forward and Lynn look on in satisfaction as his little lady-killer in the making made his way up with a confident slouch and a clever façade of shyness to reel in the unawares prey.
"Lynn," Rita stumbled up to her husband, punch in hand. "Did you just tell our barely pubescent son to go get his dick wet with a drunk teenager?"
"Hmmmm," Lynn reflected upon his actions for the past few minutes. "Why yes honey, I do *burp* believe that I did."
Rita looked at him, took a good long sip from her cup, and tossed the empty vessel. "That's hot."
"I know," he waggled his eyebrows at her. "Wanna go try for number twelve while Lincoln goes for his first?"
"Don't *burp* mind if I do!"
"A-and this is my Ace-Savvy collection!" Lincoln pointed at the carefully sleeved collection.
"Mmmpp," Becky nodded, sounding 'interested'.
Honestly Lincoln wasn't quite sure what was happening. He didn't even really talk much, he just showed up and blurted out a few cheesy lines he remembered Dad using when he was trying to butter up Mom. Becky didn't seem to hear him though, so she asked to go up to his room so they could talk.
So far it was actually going fine. Becky was a great listener, even if her eyes didn't quite seem to be going in the same direction as usual.
Right now though, it seemed like she had a different topic in mind than Ace Savvy.
"Heya Linc…" she drawled. "You know that trick you did downstairs?"
"Uh, yeah?"
She leaned forward with a lazy grin that give him butterflies in his tummy. "Wanna see mine?"
She didn't wait for his answer, dropping her now empty cup upon his night stand she languidly reached into her own tank top, prompting Lincoln to flush red as she fumbled at the back-
Her chest suddenly seemed a lot looser, and she shot another grin towards him.
"Just gimme a sec'," she pulled her cardigan from her purse and dressed in it- raising yet more questions she stood up. "Nothin' in my hands right?"
"Y-yeah," Lincoln nodded.
"Are you suuure?" She grinned, and suddenly cupped her breasts through the fabric.
Lincoln went even redder and spluttered. "I-I-I-"
"Thank's little guy, but these girls are C's on a good day, pretty sure 'I's are outta my league" the redhead giggled. "Gimmie a minute though and you can check the cup size yourself."
"Whaa?" Lincoln swore he could feel blood boiling over as the pretty teenager started twisting and turning- and before her knew it, she lifted up her cardigan to expose her smooth stomach and-
Out plopped her bra.
Lincoln stared in stunned silence, and Becky snorted again. "What's the matter kid, first time seein a pair?"
She leaned down with a grin, and from the way her chest moved Lincoln realised for certain that she had indeed rid herself of her harness. Her hands suddenly shot forward and grabbed his wrists. "Or maybe you just wanna make sure I'm not cheating…"
She drew his hands closer to her chest, the firm orbs wibbling a bit through the cardigan as she breathed drew his stiff hands to her-
BLAM!
The two jerked apart, falling on the bed a humanoid robot- undoubtedly Lisa's creation- forced the door open. The thing froze and blipped for a second, before its head suddenly pointed at Becky's direction.
"Bad Touch Detected. Engaging Safehouse Mode, Subroutine; Take A Seat."
"Take a what?" Becky blearily queried, and stumbled to her feet- only to find the robot suddenly in her face. The metal skeleton, looking suspiciously like a cheap ripoff of The Exterminator, stared at her for precisely one second before grabbing her cardigan and throwing her over its back. "HEY!"
"Cradlerobber: Apprehended. Proceeding to Processing." The Robot turned around and marched out of the room, the protesting teen ineffectually thumping at the metal back all the way.
Lincoln could only stare for a good minute, still in shock from being first… 'bad touched'? (He didn't think he would have minded that much). And then the sight of Lisa's robot kidnapping his ostensible partner and marching off.
"What is tonight?" He sighed, and resolved to just go to sleep, walking over to close his door. "I should have just stayed upstairs; grown up parties are more trouble than they're worth!"
Alas, any attempt at sleep was suddenly snatched away as Lori's resounding screech reached up from the basement.
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"I can't believe this!" Lori scowled as she paced in front of the couch, Lynn Sr and Rita sitting in silent acceptance of the incoming roast. At least they were spared the indignity of being chewed out in front of the guests, since Lori's demeanour encouraged their swift retreat from the house even more effectively than the sight of Lisa's robot. "Firstly; Becky was drunk- I don't know if it was fine to fuck- No! No Mom you don't get to talk yet!"
Rita closed her mouth.
Lori breathed through her nose, then re-commenced The Bollocking. "In This Century, you're not supposed to fuck people if they're not fully with it- it's fucking creepy and probably rape.
Speaking of rape-"
Lori turned her eyes to the thoroughly admonished form of her father. "Let's talk about the statutory kind- and grooming-"
"I think that's-"
"SHUT IT!" Lori screamed, and the two wilted again. "You literally tried to get Lincoln to fuck my drunk, half a decade older than him friend. Did you even think about what would happen if they actually did!? Or course not- you're fucking drunk, at the party you were meant to be chaperoning!"
"To be fair sweetie, someone else spiked the punch-"
"Oh that's so much better," her voice dripped with sarcasm. "You, the theoretically responsible adults got so sloshed that you thought it was cool to play wingman for your eleven year old- and not only did you somehow not notice you were getting drunk enough to think that was a good idea despite the fact we all know you've been drunk enough times to notice the signs- I'm literally sure half the people in the house exist because of it- your defence is that you failed to keep an eye on things so someone could spike the punch in the first place! Seriously!?"
Lisa walked in from the basement, "greetings chastised parental units and expectedly irate eldest sibling unit. I have come to report that the female known as 'Becky' has been successfully transported back home, where she shall likely awake to a mild hangover and no memory of tonight's events thanks to yours truly." Lisa tapped a little gun like device with characteristic smugness. "That's in addition to providing the security that prevented an attempted coitus with an underaged family member I might add, but who's keeping track?"
"Thanks Leese, she gets dumb when she's drunk," Lori sighed. "Unlike some people who apparently start there and still find a way to go downhill!"
"Lori that's enough!" Rita protested, jumping to her feet. "We know we made a terrible mistake but we're still your parents!"
"Yeah, yeah you are," Lori glared her mother down. "And you know what; neither Lincoln or Becky had a condom on them so you could have just 'upgraded' to Grandparents- and I would sure as hell hope CPS didn't get involved then because if they did the whole family could have been broken up! What do you think would happen if they found out you told Lincoln to fuck anyone at his age!?"
"Oh…" Lynn meekly scratched the back of neck.
The enraged teenager still had more to vent however; "And another thing…."
The Bollocking went on for a long time indeed. However the lesson was learnt- it doesn't matter how drunk you are; encouraging an eleven year old to have sex is generally a bad idea, spiked punch or not.
Spreading the sickness:
"Dang it!" The genius cursed, the bunker now covered in slime and refuge from the multi-hour stalemate that had ensured with her degenerate alternate self's appearance. "Why do you see fit to try and spread your deviancy to uncorrupted worlds!?"
"Because, my unenlightened counterpart," the other Lisa smiled as she pulled out yet another gadget. "Incest will always be WINCEST."
Lisa could only facepalm as such petty nonsense. "Why on earth- how? How could I in any reality fall to such banal desires. What could even inspire them in the first place!?"
"Oh my poor ignorant self," the other Lisa laughed. "It's just a matter of time..."
CREEK!
Lisa's bunker door suddenly opened, revealing Lincoln sticking his head through. "Leese, Dad says you have to come in for dinner now-"
He looked at the wreckage that had once been Lisa's pride and joy, then his eyes went from one Lisa to the other.
The other Lisa grinned, and pressed a button on her remote.
"You know what; I'll just tell him you're busy- URRHLLP!" He gagged as one of the other Lisa's devices practically jumped from her belt and expanded a flat base to land upon before extending a stretchy arm like appendage to drag him down by just the front of his shirt. "Hey!"
"You wanted to know how I came to understand the truth?" The other Lisa laughed and pressed a button on her remote that flipped Lincoln around so that his face was looking to the floor and his rear pointed at Lisa. "Observe and comprehend!"
"Observe what exactly?" Lisa asked in annoyance. "For what reason have you involved-"
The other Lisa raised her free hand and brought it down with a resounding wallop upon Lincoln's poor bottom.
"OWWW!" He cried, "WHY!?"
"Yes, why?" Lisa raised an eyebrow. "What purpose does issuing corporal punishment to Lincoln satisfy?"
"Look closer!" The other Lisa grinned, and forcibly clapped his cheeks once more.
"OW!"
The boy was wearing his usual jeans, but their tight grip upon his posterior only revealed just how much jiggle the firm buns really had.
"Sweet Dawkins!" Lisa gasped in re-evaluation. "His buttocks they... they"
"They! Don't! Quit!" The other Lisa laughed, and smacked him again with each word.
"AH! Seriously!?"
"But how did you know!?" Lisa demanded. "Are these buttocks a multiversal constant?"
"Perhaps, further tests would be needed." The other Lisa shrugged. "I wouldn't know as I have yet to break that barrier myself."
"But then- how are you-"
"Oh my silly self, it's like I said," the other Lisa raised her watch like device so that regular Lisa could see it clearly as her prototype material body time transport device. "It's just a matter of time."
And with that the watch beeped and with a flash of light Lisa was left alone in the wreckage.
Excepting her suspended and dreadfully helpless brother of course.
"Is the other Lisa gone now?" Lincoln tried to pull himself free, but grave up when the 'hand' of the device only tightened its grip. "Leese?"
He could see her diminutive shadow getting closer.
"H-How come you're not saying anything?"
A/N:
Just a bit of silly fun this time, all the deep emotions went into the last chapter so the next one is set for the same nonsense. There wasn't quite enough to justify a full chapter by my usual wordcount, but I didn't want to delay to put Turn Left's parody on the same chapter so you got the Spreading Sickness Ficlet.
Come in next time to see how Turn Left gets handled :)
