Burger Hero 8: The Fandom Menace

It had been a long week, both for Lincoln Loud the ordinary elementary schooler (disregarding the white hair, obsessive planning tendencies and eleven sisters, one of whom was a mad scientist at four years old) and for The Burger Brawler. He'd beat up baddies, been beaten up a bit himself since guns still hurt even if they couldn't kill him, done his homework and been subject to all the usual shenanigans living with (and around) his sisters induced.

Now though?

It was Saturday.

Once upon a time this meant he would have spent the day out with Clyde and the guys (plus Stella, but she sort of counted as one of the guys now anyway)- but ever since he'd started his 'hobby' he just vegged out in front of the TV or took a nice long nap in his room. Of course this led to questions about just exactly why spent all his time apparently just lazing around- and much to his displeasure the two adults of the house had been overheard talking about 'exercise' again.

The irony that his 'nightly exercises' could be the very thing that got him dragged into sports again was not lost on him.

Alas, that was not his only problem today.

"Heya Linc!" The boy opened his eyes to see the owner of the familiar high pitched voice grinning down at him. "Sleeping the day away again?"

Dang it. He'd forgotten to lock the door.

"… Are you gonna let me?"

"Nope!" Luan laughed, then pulled out her phone. "In fact, I'm gonna help you stay awake with a little something I found on the internet!"

Lincoln groaned, and turned his face back into his pillow. Unfortunately for him, Luan just pulled it out from under him.

He kept his face buried in his sheet instead.

"Hey Lincoln?"

He didn't answer.

"Why did the sheep cross the road?"

He plugged his ears.

She leaned in close so her voice carried anyway, "the chicken was waiting for him!"

"Try harder." Lincoln mumbled.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Try at all."

"To get out of Kentucky!"

Lincoln snickered a little. He had a hard week; bad humour wasn't entirely unwelcome.

"You ever ask; where's Wally?" Luan. "Of course you have, but have you ever asked; why's Wally hiding?"

"… Why is Wally hiding?" Lincoln caved.

"I dunno, but his Wife and Girlfriend sure might!"

That got a little giggle, and he turned around to face the silly sister. "All right, what did you find?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," Luan was giving her usual impish grin, and in her hands was her laptop- some blurry video on screen. "Just a little something that's been trending since that new superhero girl popped up!."

Lincoln's curiosity was roused and he looked at the screen, Luan had expanded the video so he couldn't identity the site it was hosted on but the play button and frame were unfamiliar anyway. "Is this another Brawler fails compilation? C'mon Luan-"

"No! Not this time!" She grinned, and there was a new glee in her eyes- something that made Lincoln reconsider just getting out- but her free arm snaked around him and pulled him tight before he could escape. "Just watch."

He made it to the first minute and a half, before jumping away with a red face.

"W-w-what the frig is that!" He gasped, rapidly rubbing at his eyes as if to banish the images of flesh and bright colour. "W-why would you show me that!?"

Luan chuckled and paused the video, obviously faked 'pleasured moans' ceasing "Well I thought you would like to see what BB's fanclub is up to-"

"They're fans?" Lincoln sceptically queried. "T-they're desecrating the costume!"

"Well that's a bit harsh," Luan gave a teasing little grin. "Maybe they're just showing their love by… showing their love!"

Lincoln gagged as the memories of a fully grown man and woman in knockoff Burger Brawler and Madame Milkshakes costumes copulating on camera resurged. "It's disgusting, who does that!?"

"These guys obviously," Luan snickered. "And I thought you went to cons; you can't tell me you never heard about this kind of thing happening before, it's endemic!"

"No, no I didn't!" Lincoln scowled. "And no it doesn't! That's disgusting!"

Luan rose her hand as if swearing an oath. "I, Luan Loud do hereby swear upon all things funny that in every convention, stand-up gig and out of town performance catering to teens and up that there has been at least one couple getting a quickie on the premises- usually while they're wearing cosplay!"

Lincoln gaped, then scowled again in disbelief. "No. You're teasing me, nobody does that-"

"Remember when Dad took me to Lansing for that Comedy Con last year? We both saw a team of Blarneys pulling a train on some Punkpower Girls." Luan declared with a perfectly straight face. "Six of them. They had an extra Rose and Daffodil too, but they forgot to lock the door and me and Dad opened theirs by accident.

I've never been able to see those shows the same way since."

Lincoln blinked, "what does 'pulling a train' mean?"

Luan gained a bit of pink in her checks and for a second seemed to have lost her bravado. But the moment passed and she reaffixed her confident smile; "pulling a train means the guys line up for the girl and then they… well they go to town."

This time it clicked, much to Lincoln's displeasure.

His tender, young brain issued flashes of green, yellow, red and blue all mixed together in horrifying ways. So to did the obviously fake groans from the video moments ago arise once more as they mercilessly echoed through his cranium to complete the foul theatre of the mind.

Lincoln tried to shake the image of a dozen thrusting dinosaurs thoroughly cornholing his childhood, but to his dismay there was no sign of deceit to be found within Luan's feature- and he blanched at the realisation of her truth.

"Ulp!" His tummy twitched in ways it hadn't since he had first faced down a gun barrel, but still he still had one reservoir of decency that could never be desecrated; the wholesome, family friendly comic that had inspired his heroism! "M-maybe they were just the weird fans, or just old guys and girls just in costumes for some reason. Maybe it's just other fandoms that are gross; but no Ace Savvy fan would never stoop to such vile vacuous vandalism of our icon!"

He stood there, finger out in declaration as if to challenge the sister upon his bed to counter his proclamation of purity!

Luan bit her lower lip as joy and something else flickered across her face- chilling Lincoln's blood. He backed away as she stood up, but to his surprise she simply put the laptop upon his bed and walked to the door.

"Y-yes, that's right!" He continued with a shaky voice, trying to summound up whatever confidence that had yet to flee into his shoes. "You just go and-"

She looked back at him with that same smile, "hey- this room's still soundproofed right?"

There was still clearly sound dampening tiles stuck to his walls poking through the patchwork cover job Dad had done.

"… No."

"Okay thanks," the twinkle in her eye told him exactly how well that lie had gone. She promptly swung his door open, and instantly the ruckus of the house blasted through.

She waited for a lull, then called out; "LUNA!"

There was a moment that Lincoln hoped she had not heard, or maybe that Luan would step out and he could lock the door behind her before whatever shenanigans she was planning came to pass.

That moment itself passed all too soon.

"YEAH!?"

"IT'S. TIME."

There was another pause before Luna's voice came through again.

"DO YA MEAN FOR THE THING OR-"

Luan facepalmed. "JUST GET LORI AND COME TO LINCOLN'S ROOM!"

"… OH! YOU MEANT THE THING!?"

The questioning glee in Luna's shout confirmed Lincoln's suspicions that he did not want to be here for whatever came next, and he quietly crept over to his bed while Luan's back was turned.

He didn't see what happened behind him, but he could hear the sound of music ceasing, and an annoyed Lori's protests stopping the moment Luna's voice said something about 'the thing'. His fingers quickly loosened his vent cover, and he jumped up grab the edge-

" 'Kay Lu are we doin' this or- GUYS!"

It was too late, he pulled himself up and it would only take a second to get his lower half through-

"Hey Stinclon."

He froze as he gazed upwards at Lynn's eyes, her body and bean like head clearly blocking any chance he had at getting through.

"Goin' somewhere?"

Quickly he bargained. "Just let me through and you get my dessert for a week!"

She looked at him with a smile, "hmmm… NAH!" Suddenly she grabbed his arms and threw them back.

His fingers skid and slipped as he fell, dropping for only a second before landing in Lori arms with an oof.

"Hallelujah, it's rainin' men!" Luna cackled. "Nice save Lynn!"

Lynn pocked her head out through the open vent, "no problem, can I join in now?"

"Sure, whatever." Lori dismissed.

"Ahhh," Lincoln shook his head and refocused as Lynn jumped down. Around him were four of his five older sisters, Lori carrying him and Luan, Luna and Lynn slowly approaching. In front of his now firmly (and distressingly) shut door, Luna was carrying a bag and a creepy smile for some reason.

"What… what you are going to do to me?" He squeaked, knowing planned nonsense when he saw it.

"Whyever would you think we could be doing something to you Linky?" Lori issued her sickly sweet voice, the special one she used when she wanted you to know just how screwed you were.


If Lincoln had been allowed to answer before being hogtied he would have said three words:

Hard earned experience.

There was no doubt in his mind that on some level his older sisters cared for him deeply, but on another level they also resented having to compete for the various household resources, held many a petty grudge for various 'incidents' and just liked screwing with him in general. Today it seemed they were operating primarily on the latter level.

Bound in rope that his burgerfied alter ego could have broken with ease the miserable boy found himself sequestered between four bodies, sat upright on his bed with two sisters on each side holding him in place as Luan navigated to a new site, one he was more familiar with.

"… Why are we on fanfiction?"

"Oh Linky…" Lori purred. "Why don't you just wait and see!"

He waited with trepidation as Luan gleefully clicked onto the Ace Savvy section, and then scrolled down to the M rating.

"Uh, guys?" He interjected. "I don't think we're allowed to-"

"Shhh," Lori silenced him with a finger to his lips. "It's okay, we're big girls and Luan already showed you something didn't she? Just lie back and let us… have some storytime!"

"What do you mean storytime?" Lincoln asked with well founded suspicion.

The girls didn't answer, but as the forbidden list of adult rated fics loaded in he quickly realised what storytime meant.

Once upon a time Lincoln Loud had been a little (or littler at least) boy, and at that time it had not been uncommon for a less cranky and capricious if pimplier Lori to read him a bed time story in lieu of their busy parents. Indeed, at least once each of his older sisters had taken up the role before he'd gotten big enough not to need one to settle.

Today it seemed they had brought back the tradition, except rather than brining the boy to a peaceful rest they wished to drag him out of his 'laziness' with new nightmares.

And much to his dismay, he rapidly discovered that Ace Savvy being a well established and beloved superhero merely meant that he was a bigger target for the perverts of the world. For an hour the increasingly sad boy whimpered as assorted 'authors' of steeply varying proficiencies (though usually some kind of semi-literate) vomited forth their perversions of his cherished characters.

And had them fuck. As Lori would say.

Or Shag, as Luna happily informed.

And slipped into each other with assorted absurd lubricants that Luan expounded upon with distressing detail and wordplay.

His howls of distress and demands for release merely prompted more teasing and another paragraph, and he knew that there was no hope for rescue within his own protected walls. And to make things inevitable, with his hands literally tied he couldn't even rescue himself by eating a burger (secret identity be damned, what nonsense could top this?).

It was ironic. The Burger Brawler could rescue anyone else from their darkest peril, but not himself.

They each took their turn reading out their chosen fics, and Lincoln's bound form meant he could do little to resists but loudly protest, which of course just encouraged them.

Luna, who chose a story where Ace was seduced by The Mad Minstrel and played 'hide the sausage' in each other's 'instruments'. The entire thing used musical metaphors in place of the obvious body parts and Lincoln wasn't sure if the author was going for ironically bad writing or were legitimately stupid enough to think it was clever.

Luan, whose selection was a violent mess where Ace villainously violated his rogues gallery and in the process somehow created a harem of Stockholm sufferers.

Lynn was a simple girl, she just had Ace doing stripteases for a sorority for some reason. Honestly it was tame considering everyone else picks.

Lastly was Lori, who gleefully detailed a story where Ace and Jack finally 'gave into their obvious attraction' and took each other's…

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ANAL HYMEN!" Lincoln screamed. "EVEN I KNOW THAT!"

"Well apparently either the author doesn't, or she just really likes the idea of butt cherries," Lori shrugged. "But back to the action-

"NO!" Lincoln demanded. "Nononono! I've had enough!"

Lori looked down at him, and sighed dramatically. "What do you think girls? Has he had enough?"

"I dunno," Lynn mused. "I think he's just starting to like it."

"No-" Lincoln found his mouth stuffed with an old sock.

"Maybe he just needs to read a little more," Luna snorted. "I mean, we haven't even done Fragg's stuff yet!"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Lori mused. "You never know what you're going to get with that one."

"What about IrregularInscription?"

"Waaay too pervy, even for this." Lori declared. "… Solid smut though."

Lincoln tuned out as they debated 'authors', raising candidates and objections as they pleased. He knew that Lori had once been a fellow nerd before she'd fallen for the vapid vanity of teenage fashion and turned into Darth Vogue the Bossy, so it wasn't a surprise that she knew of some weird fandom writers that his safesearching had protected him from.

But the others? They had no interest in this kind of thing, nevermind Ace Savvy. No, they were showing off. They were showing off just how much they had planned this, how they weighed each and every option to make sure that it would have maximum meanness behind it.

"… I think Azurepeon is clearly a rising star-"

"Because you have bad taste," Lori sighed. "All they do is torture Ace for views and their serious stuff is passable on a good day."

"Then I guess we're done then." assessed Lynn.

Oh thank god.

"Yeah probably, I think this is getting a bit old," Luan smiled at the others. "I say we go to phase two."

Oh fri- you know what, it's been a day. Fuck me.

"Hmm," Lori checked the time. "Yeah, you know it's probably abut time anyway."

" 'T's cool with me."

"I've got stuff to do."

"Right then," Lori leaned over and plucked the sock out of his mouth. "Hey twerp, you still with us?"

Lincoln glared up and resisted the urge to say something that would make things worse.

"That's a yes," Luan chuckled.

"Good enough for me," Lori affirmed. "Look, we're almost done now, but before we leave we want something from you."

Lincoln grit his teeth. "And what would that be?"

"Nothing much," Lori nodded to Luan, who grinned and started rapidly clicking to bring up the Burger Brawler fansite. "We just want you to repay the favour by reading out something for us."

"What do you-"

The screen flashed up, and revealed a solid wall of text.

"- mean…? What is this?"

"Well," Lori leaned down. "I know it doesn't look like much and the author doesn't really seem to know what punctuation or paragraphs are, but this is a Burger Hero fanfic!"

Lincoln's eyes darted back in surprise, and to his shock upon reading the first few lines…

"It is…" he breathed. "Someone really made a story about him!"

"Yes they did," the glee in Lori's voice drained all of his into his toes. "And we want you to read it."

"… No."

He knew a setup when he saw one.

"Do it."

"Still no."

"All right girls, go lets go find Ace's Mpreg fic list!"

"You wouldn't!"

The four stared down at him.

"… You absolutely would." Lincoln sighed. "Fine; … 'Burger Brawler looked at the bright sun as if it was his destiny calling to him…"

It was bad.

It was really, really bad.

There was no punctuation. There wasn't even any spaces to separate the lines, but still he persevered under threat of having his dreams filled with pregnant Aces.

But at least this story, the very first story written about him as far as he knew, didn't have sex in it-

Until partway through when Madame Milkshakes got involved and she was revealed to be something called a 'futa'. He looked to the sisters for an explanation, but they just gleefully told him to keep reading aloud.

He found his answer soon enough, in greater detail than any other part of the story no less.

He more or less shut down at that point and just zoned out in horror, letting his mouth repeat whatever was on the screen in the hopes of getting it over quicker.

Finally, an hour had passed and it was done.

And so was he.

Lynn untied the rope from around him and Lincoln winced as his limbs were freed.

He just flopped down into the fetal position and stared at the wall; trying to forget.

Lori poked at his foot, and a single instinctive twitch was given in response. "… You okay Lincoln?"

He didn't look at her.

"Did you like your story?"

This time he did, turning around to look her right in the eye.

"No."

Lori 'hmmed' to herself, then clapped her hands together upon confirming his miserable state. "Okay guys, looks like Operation: Ruin Lincoln's childhood for getting to Dad cover for his gross 'Alone Time' and wasting his life in his room and think of a shorter name for this operation! was a complete success!"

His turned his eyes towards the other sisters as well and mentally drilled holes into their faces. "… What?"

"Remember how ya' got all this off Dad?" Luna grinned and swept her hands wide to indicate the sound proof foam panels on his walls. "You've been hidin' in here for weeks just jerkin' it-"

"Seriously Luna!?" Lincoln spluttered. "I thought-"

"We had this big plan to get to the bottom of what ya' were doin' in here and everything a few weeks ago, but you kept runnin' off after Lynn tried talkin'." Luna shook her head. "We even tried to get Dad to spill, but he just kept to the whole 'homework' story."

"But that's what I'm doing!" He sort of lied, he actually was doing homework in here when he wasn't out in The Suit. He needed a quiet place to concentrate if he was going to do it at all after all his efforts.

"Yeah, sure." Lynn rolled her eyes. "Thing is though, we're not buying that story."

Lori smirked, "Dad let a few details slip when Leni asked him, so yeah; we know."

Lincoln's heart jumped into his mouth, "w-what do you know?"

If they knew about his 'adventures' then his life was over!

Lori gave him a flat look, "Dad told Leni; 'growing boys have needs that girls don't, and that we're happier not knowing'. It's not hard to put it together."

Lincoln relaxed a bit, but then tensed again when he realised what Dad had implied. "Look; I know it sounds suspicious-"

"No, it sounds literally incriminating." Lori 'corrected'. "But the thing is; even if wasn't, you've been literally hiding in here practically from the minute you get home for weeks."

"Yeah, that's pretty suss, don't you think?" Luan interjected.

"Well, I guess." Lincoln admitted. "But it's not what you think-"

"Then what is it?" Lori inquired with a quietly dangerous tone. "And don't say its homework again, Linky."

Lincoln's mind raced for a good excuse, more than just the homework he'd supposedly spent all his time on. But his mind had been fried by images of things no elementary schooler was meant to know, and he was left open mouthed as he waited for words to come.

"Wow, weeks to prepare and you don't have another story?" Lori sighed. "So much for the master of persuasion."

"Why don't you just open up that drawer for us?" Lynn jeered. "Come on, give some proof that you're not doin' the dirty!"

Lincoln's eyes darted to his special drawer, and he swallowed. "… Um…"

"It's fine." Lori waved the suggestion away. "We know you probably threw away the evidence weeks ago. The thing is though, it's still not fair."

"We don't get ta have a wank here." Luna complained.

"But you're just going at it whenever," Luan concluded.

"The rules getting bent like this?" Lynn shook her head. "It's not a fair call."

"So…" Lori paced. "We had a talk a week ago, just us four and we decided that since we probably can't catch you doing it- we'll just… convince you to stop like Dad got Luna to quit smoking."

"Grab a nasty flavoured version of the stuff ya' usually like," Luna explained. "And make ya' go through whole packs until ya' can't even look at the stuff!"

Lincoln processed this in shock, and skipped over the revelation that Luna once smoked in favour of confirming their declaration. "… You did this to torture me into giving up what you think I'm doing!?"

"Hmm," Lori contemplated his words. "What we know you're doing, but apart from that: Yeah, I think that's accurate."

"Seems on point to me."

"Got it in one!"

"Didn't miss a beat." Luna nodded.

Lincoln looked around at them, at their smug faces. "… You guys are seriously the worst. And you're not getting back in here- ever!"

"Yeah well, sooner or later you'll forget to lock that door again," Lori smirked. "Since you're clearly staying up all night for 'some reason'. And then we'll be back to convince you again, and we'll keep on doing it until you go and take down this soundproofing.

So unless you like having us sit on you for Storytime." Lori finished. "Get to it."

Lincoln licked his lips, and breathed out hoarsely.; "this is insane, literally insane."

"We, literally don't care," Lori made her way out of the room. "Have fun trying to repress the images of Ace getting pregnant with Jack's baby when you're reading your comics twerp!"

The others quickly followed her, likely having things to do now that they had gotten their requisite Lincoln-torment out of the way. His door closed with a slam.

Lincoln stared back at the wall again.

"… Why do I save these people?"


"No, seriously!" Lincoln demanded in the bunker, reconsidering that night's patrol. "Why are we still doing this? The gangs are broken up so crime's back to normal, the police are hunting me down and everyone just makes fun of me!"

Lisa quirked an eyebrow, "perhaps, but I believe you mentioned some appreciators-"

"They are so much worse." Lincoln shuddered. "I-I don't think I'll ever be able to forget…"

"Hmm," Lisa tapped her chin as she assessed his complaints. "These are all valid points-"

"And I keep getting beaten up!" Lincoln continued to complain. "Sure I win but it still hurts- and that time I got shot in my… bits is still trending on ViewTube as America's most memed!"

"It did get a great many views…" Lisa mused. "But I do believe that you are discounting the role your continued presence has upon local crime- you are a figure of fear to the underworld despite the theme of your 'costume'."

"Yeah about that," Lincoln groused. "Can't we change it-"

"No, it would be entirely too expensive." Lisa dismissed. "My key point is that without your continued presence, the underworld would likely bounce back to the same or greater extent as before, I can assure you with all the intellectual capacity at my disposal Lincoln," she stepped forward and touched his gloved hand. "You are making a difference by assuming your admittedly heavy duties."

Lincoln looked down at her seemingly massive eyes through the magnifying lens of her glasses, and sighed. "Okay, but we need to talk about making some changes- I'm sick of getting screwed over!"

"Indeed," Lisa nodded and returned to her chair. "But for now, I believe Royal Woods awaits its hero."

"… Yeah, I guess it does." Lincoln affixed his cowl and stuck as impressive a figure as he could while looking like a snack, then quickly he bounced out of the Lab's secret exit and into the suburbs.

Leaving Lisa at her desk. The little scientist discreetly checked her camera and confirmed that Burger Brawler was well away before opening up the family router history and selecting the Burger Brawl/Madame Milkshakes video Lincoln had mentioned in his tales of torment (would he break the unspoken rule of keeping conflicts between siblings and finally welch on their elder sisters, or would he seek another resolution? It would be interesting to see either way).

It was a formality to trace the source and find the producer's true name to begin issuing a stern warning and takedown notice. Not that she intended to have the man remove the video of course;

She just needed to remind the enterprising fellow that it was improper using someone's intellectual property without compensation.


A/N:

Thanks to Nuuo for Beta-Reading.

I was planning a chapter where Lincoln reacted to discovering that people made cosplay porn of Burger Brawler, and it eventually turned into this. I'm not sure it fits the tone of the rest of the Burger Hero shorts, since it feels more like something from The Talk even while it calls back to LAT with the original plot threads that inspired the 'Drawer Secrets' Chapter that in turn sparked the Burger Hero series. But the next installment should be back to normal for Burger Brawler. Perhaps I will consider this more of a 'side story' or 'what if' in the overall scheme of things.

Either way; with this installment this is my first fanfic to reach one hundred thousand words. I'm not sure what exactly that says about my writing :P