Baby Boogaloo: Making a Choice

It was a beautiful Sunday morning in the Loud House, the birds were chirping- the kids were sleeping and Lincoln Loud was blinking awake to find himself in a sticky mess.

The Loud man had underwent many adventures in his life, and more than a few of them at the hands of his sisters who had through one particular 'adventure' ended up bearing a number of children who happened to be his despite his decisive lack of Alabama-escapades.

Except for that one time with Lily.

They didn't talk about that one.

Regardless of his 'adventures' and (thankfully) largely platonic relationships with his family, it was not uncommon for Lincoln to rise to his current predicament. Sticky, sore in many places (but mostly his penis) and stinking of a woman that he had no memory of. As he blearily pulled his eyes open he found himself downstairs and bearing only the remains of one of his long sleeved white shirts and an evident lack of pants and underwear.

The living room around him was in semi-disarray. Nothing was broken but it certainly needed cleaning of ruined decorations, he himself lay upon the disgraced family couch with little more than a blanket to cover up his naughty bits.

A single sniff in the air confirmed The Stank of Shame. If there was any question about it; Lincoln Loud had been someone's toy last night.

Lincoln looked up as he tried to remember last night.

It had been someone's birthday, not one of the kids because that was all the time now (thanks Lisa). It was probably an adult…

"H-hey Lincoln," someone tapped his shoulder.

They'd been a woman, that was for sure.

He turned carefully, tipsy from the cider (Leni and the twins were due for their shifts next morning, he could afford a hangover). Before him was a familiar face…

Lincoln's eyes traced the name on one of the banners…

"Hi Darcy," Lincoln raised his glass good naturedly. "You're here for Lisa's party right?"

"Y-yeah," Darcy smiled, the charming little girl had grown into a well built and friendly woman. Of course Lincoln had observed some of the transformation across the years she had been Lisa's (often only) friend, but he had left for college and adult life years ago.

Now seeing the once gangly teenager in her full bloom…

"Well I think she's over with Luna and Lynn," he gracefully pointed the full bodied young woman in the direction of the small crowd towards the kitchen.

Where the austere scientist was presently downing a bottle of Zack Danielle's while Lynn attempted one of her own. The crowd around them chanting "chug, chug, chug!"

"… Actually I think you might want to give them a minute," he concluded. "Dang it, I thought they'd be past this now, and where's Mom and Dad-"

"Chug, it honey- I've got a twenty on you winning!" Lincoln followed the voice to find his father a little way to the right of the 'responsible adults' presently competing, Luna and Lana were together with him- apparently egging on Lynn.

"You can do this Lisa!" His mother declared from the left, Lola and Luan gleefully observing the scientist drain the bottle. "I know you've put worse than this in there!"

"… Nevermind, they're got a bad case of The Sloshed." He facepalmed, he almost asked where Lori and the other sisters who might have had a bit more sense were but as he spied around the dining room they were either in the crowd or passed out themselves.

It took him a moment to find Lori herself, but it wasn't because his childhood dictator had been contained to prevent intervention but because she was currently sleeping under the table with Bobby. A paper cup still clenched in her fingers.

"That's okay," Darcy piped up with a faint darkening to her cheeks. "I… I actually wanted to talk to you."

Lincoln blinked, "um, okay? Not that I'm offending or anything, but why?"

Darcy nudged her head back towards the couch and he dutifully followed, "ahhh, it's just something I- look; you seem like a nice guy and Lisa said…"

"Lisa said what?" Lincoln queried, something in the back of his mind prickling.

"Well it's been a while for me and, um." Darcy's cheeks darkened further. "She said you'd be okay with it-"

"… Okay with what?" Lincoln's butt however over the couch seats, suddenly wary.

Darcy shook her head, "I, she said you'd understand if I said Lame-O but I-"

Everything went blank after that.

"Dang it…" he groaned, and quickly fished around under the blanket for something. Groaning when his hand touched bare flesh, he affixed the blanket into a makeshift kilt (not skirt) and scanned the room for signs of a condom.

Of course there were none.

Plenty of nasty stains though.

"Dang it! Dang it! Dang it" He 'cursed'. Honestly it wasn't even because he was holding back, years of substitution had turned the child-friendly exclamation as instinctive as the harder words. "Every frigging time- what, I'm just some toy for them! A-a full body dildo!"

"Ahh!" Luna's voice groused, and the woman herself stamped down the stairs bearing the damp hair from a fresh shower and the red eyes of a nasty hangover. "Could ya' keep it down, kinda' had a hard night-"

"Oh, so sorry Luna," he sarcastically acquiesced. "I guess I should be used to getting used like a sex toy by your friends at this point."

"Eh," Luna scanned the room, and put it together. "Oh right. Jeeze I thought that was a dream."

"A dream?" Lincoln repeated incredulously.

"I had a lot'a the good stuff last night, kind'a hard to tell what actually happened." Luna shrugged and made her way over to him, before stopped as she got within range to smell him. "Ulp! Yeah okay, little Darcy friggin' got all over you that's for sure."

"I could tell," he snapped, but backtracked as Luna winced at his tone. "Sorry, it's just that this is… this is getting old."

"Yeah, I suppose it would," Luna admitted as she looked around the room. "It's kinda comin' back t me know, I think we had to pull you two apart-"

Lincoln blanched, " 'we'?"

"Me an' most a' the rest of the folk who could still stand," Luna clarified. "Basically-"

Lincoln let himself fall onto the couch and cupped his face. "Everybody, everybody saw…"

"She didn't seem like she was complainin' till we took ya' outta her," Luna attempted to console him. "If anything it's-"

"A nightmare," Lincoln looked up through his fingers. "Anyone can use me whenever they want. Your friends, some woman off the street, Lily. The only reason I'm not a Petri dish for STI's is because Lisa keeps flushing me with something from her lab.

And now this, in front of everyone."

He buried his face in his hands again.

Luna sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "… Tough break bruh. Have ya' thought of getting Leese to go turn off whatever's goin' on inside ya' noggin?"

Lincoln looked up with a flat expression. "Why would she? She gets more test subjects this way, heck she even threw Darcy The Word last night. She's clearly not interested in fixing things."

"I dunno," Luna mused. "She said'd cut that out, she was pretty drunk last night so maybe she just slipped up or somethin'?"

"Or something?" Lincoln snorted. "Sure…"

There was a rustling from the dining room, and the bedraggled form of one Lisa Loud stepped forward. "… Good morning sibling units. I take it that you are currently recovering from last night's… 'festivities'." The scientist winced on the word.

Lincoln normally would have gotten up to get her something for her headache, the ingrained instincts of taking care of the home residents taking precedence over his own irritability. However today was different.

"Lisa." His voice was cold. "Did you seriously give Darcy The Word so she could get her rocks off?"

Lisa stood still for a moment, and struggled to remember. "… I do believe so, an error in judgment thank to my significant inebriation-"

"Enough." Lincoln stood up. "Fix this."

Lisa raised an eyebrow. "Fix what exactly Elder-"

"This bullshit." He pointed his head. "Whatever conditioning there is that makes me 'go' on that word. I'm sick and tired of being afraid that someone, anyone can just walk in off the street and I'll just wake up an hour later with them all over me and hoping we don't get another kid on the way."

"He's not wrong," Luna sighed. "An' you said you'd cut this out Leese."

Lisa contemplated her brother for a moment. The man was worn down and miserable, with dark spots under his eyes and a wan pallor from the constant effort of maintaining a household filled with infants, and the smell of unwanted 'love' hung around him like a smog.

"… I believe I have a method of assistance." She admitted. "However I doubt that you would want to make use of it once you realise the consequences."

Lincoln stood up, and mustered all the dignity he could while wearing a torn shirt and a blanket 'kilt'. "Why don't you tell me so I can decide for a change?"


Lincoln was in the shower.

He'd been in for a while, but for some reason he couldn't quite get clean.

Memories flooded his mind, countless nights and people he'd spent them with. Far more than had borne children, far, far more. Friends of his sisters and complete strangers, married and unmarried, lifelong acquaintances and fresh off the street, some were nearly as old as his parents and others were girls Lily's age and younger.

More people than anyone could have wanted, in ways that he wouldn't have ever wanted.

Anyone and everyone who might have wanted a go on The Log and the white haired man who bore it. A foul flood of memories instantly unleashed the second Lisa's tool undid the conditioning.

No more conditioning. No more Word. No more forgetting, not if he wanted the conditioning to stay broken.

No more clean.

The stink stuck with him, permeating the air through his skin and the taste stung his tongue through the blood even as the flesh was rubbed raw with bristles.

There was knock on the door.

"T.. ten more minutes." He mumbled.

"Dad!" A high pitched voice called out. "You take too long, need to go now!"

"Ten more minutes!" He called out.

"You say that before!" The voice declared doubtfully, "a lot before."

"… I'll be out soon." He looked down at skin rubbed pink and raw, at privates nearly bloody themselves. "It's just until I don't stink, I promise."


A/N:

Thanks to Nuuo for the Beta Read.

Just a non-canon 'what-if' for Baby Boogaloo, since Lincoln's situation is largely played for laughs, but it could easily go the other way.