Burger Hero 9: Missing the point
It was a Sunday morning in the Loud House, Lynn was working out in the backyard with a suspicious stack of Burpin' Burger bags nearby. Luna's music was blasting out at juuust under the volume that Lori wouldn't tolerate, and the rest of the siblings were running around having their own adventures.
Case in point for three of them; Luan and Leni were sitting in the living room working to track down a certain Snack themed Superhero. Lincoln meanwhile was nonchalantly 'lazing' upon the couch nearby as the two girls conversed over the coffee table before the TV. Said coffee table bore a map of Royal Woods with two sets of little flags stuck in it to mark the noted sightings of The Burger Brawler, indicated by the common red flags, and a smattering of white flags to show where Madame Milkshakes had trounced some troublemakers.
"… It looks like they might not be working together after all." Luan assessed. "Look at the timestamps, sure they overlap in places a lot but practically never at the same time!"
It was true, BB had had a hard time finding Milkshakes again- he didn't think she was avoiding him though. It was more that he could only really find her if he heard her getting spotted, and of course she'd be long gone by the time he arrived. He was also pretty sure she was doing the same thing.
Dang it, should have asked for her number. He mused. … But that could be kind of weird, I wouldn't want her to think-
"Awww, I guess they're not together anymore." Leni pouted. "And after they moved in together too!"
Also Leni turned out to be a shipper.
In hindsight he wasn't that surprised, though how exactly that lined with her own romantic 'ambitions' was anyone's guess.
"Yeah sure Leni- wait what?" Luan raised her hands in confusion. "BB and MM aren't dating!"
"Well not anymore silly," Leni waved off the silly sister's confusion. "But look, they were totally all over each other around here!" She pointed at a collection of time and date stamped flags, "and over here!"
"They were still hours apart though," Luan shrugged in confusion.
"Yeah, but it's totes because they were trying to make it work." Leni nodded in confidence. "Trust me, look- he went from going out and coming back around here," Leni pointed in the general vicinity of Franklin Avenue, "to coming and going around all sorts of places. I bet he moved out for her, but she didn't want to commit, so he tried harder but came on waaay too strong, so she started pulling away- and then…"
Lincoln shuddered as he tuned out. Again; he'd started varying the time and places he started and ended his patrols in case of further sightings that could narrow down his location in the very way Leni had deduced- and while the sweetheart sister's assumption of his motive was… 'creative' in her own Leni way it was still also accurate enough to be dangerous.
"… Well I guess that kinda makes sense," Luan scratched the back of her head awkwardly, and went to distract/motivate Leni further. "But at least he's back on the market now right? All the more reason to keep looking"
Leni gasped, "O! M! Gosh! Luan you are so right!" She clapped her hands to her cheeks and grinned. "And he's probably pining for someone to heal his broken heart!"
"And I happen to know just the girl to do it," Luan slyly nudged the fashionista. "And long as we find him she just able to do it too!"
"Ooooh, that's just totally fabulous!" Leni sung, "let's go get her so she can help!"
… And Lincoln was going to tune out again-
Until the couch lurched as one Luna Loud suddenly leaped over the back into the empty seats next to his feet. She put on one her more ridiculous accents from that T.V. show she thought was funny; " 'Ello, 'ello, what's all this then?"
Lincoln tensed as another of the Creepy Sisters came into his presence. He cracked an eyelid to make see watch her just in case she was the forerunner for a creepy capture in the making- his mind had yet to recover from the horrors he had witnessed.
But he relaxed a little as he saw no sign of Lori, and Lynn's grunts of exertion guaranteeing her location far (enough) outside assured him that whatever Luna may bring, the four weren't planning on stuffing him in front of a computer and reading out weird Ace Savvy porn to him again (right now anyway).
But only a little, he was pretty sure he needed therapy now after all.
"We're looking for BB again," Luan reported. "Looks like he's changed his routes, Leni thinks he might have moved-"
"It's totes sad," Leni sighed. "Bun Boy totally had this thing with Misses Moo, and they were sooo cute together- and you can totally see they were into each other, but he really came on too strong and…"
Lincoln watched Luna's face with interest as Leni's hypothesis sunk in. Watching someone else process unfiltered Leni was always an experience. He stifled a giggle as Luna's expression shifted from polite confusion to baffled comprehension.
"… So we're gonna find Boy Burger and give him an even bigger hug than before because he totally need it after all that heartbreak." Leni sniffed. "It's the least we can do!"
"Riiight," Luna sucked in her lips as her mind settled on some details. "… So Madame Milkers is back on the market too right?"
"Madame Milkshakes," Lincoln piped up in annoyance, wincing as he drew attention to himself. So much for pretending to doze, but it was annoying to hear them get so much stuff wrong!
"Yeah, I know what I said," Luna grinned at him, and pointedly drew out her long tongue and licked her upper lip in the creepiest way she could probably think of. "Trust me."
Lincoln's face screwed as he was grossed out by the musical sister. "Ewww, Luna! That's gross, and don't you already have Sam?"
Luna winked, "who says she's not up for a threeway?"
Lincoln grabbed a pillow and stuffed his face in it.
Leni's voice came through slightly muffled, "I'm not sure Royal Woods has any freeways, but Linky you should totes be more accepting of Luna and Max's life choices!"
Luna's grossness, and Leni's misinformed support thereof notwithstanding, Burger Brawler did have pressing matters to attend to that night. Lincoln moved quickly through the night, cursing the extra half hour it had taken to get ready, since after all he couldn't be out in the costume near the house to avoid being sighted, his only choice…
Was to eat the invisibility formula dosed burgers and get his regular costume and equipment from a secret stash in the city.
Which meant he'd had to run through the city in the nude.
Which was just embarrassing, even if no one could see him.
Still though, now he was suited up properly and as strong and quick as the regular formula provided. Sure he'd still have to stuff the suit in one of Lisa's secure secret lockers and run home invisibly naked again later but right now he got to be a superhero!
Well not really, he had another thing he had to do tonight. And as he bounded to the Mayor's home he braced himself for all the stealth he could manage in brightly coloured tights.
Not much it turned out.
"FREEZE FREAK!" A guard growled as Burger Brawler leaped over The Mayor's Stone wall and landed in the best superhero pose could think of.
"Hey!" He backed off as man advanced, holding up his hands in placation. "I'm just here to talk to your boss-"
"ON YOUR KNEES!" The man growled, keeping the gun pointed at the snack themed superhero with one hand while raising a walkie-talkie to his mouth with the other. "It's him, bring backup…
Yeah, says he wants to meet the big man-"
"I can probably get there faster without you," Lincoln grumpily pointed out, sour at having another gun pointed at him. "I'm just standing here to be polite, why are you even bothering with that thing anyway, we both know it can't hurt me-"
The guard aimed the pistol downwards, at Lincoln's groin.
Lincoln's eyes narrowed under the mask. "… If you shoot, I'm going to come over there and hit you as hard as I can in the same place."
The gun wavered before raising up at his bare chin again.
"Better."
The rest of the guards rushed into the little garden, all aiming their comparative pea shooters at him. Much to his surprise they actually managed to get some terms to speak with the mayor, he'd allow himself to be escorted to a room and be allowed to hold a conference with the man though only through a computer since they didn't want him in the same room as the politician. All the while he would have the guns trained on him in case of 'shenanigans', though what exactly they were meant to do him if he felt like acting out was left unstated.
He did not allow them to put any kind of cuffs on him, or take anything off. No, Lincoln Loud read that plot four times and it was only original the first, and it was still stupid then!
Still though, now he found himself in a nice chair, facing a screen with the Mayor's face presented upon it. The older man looked tired, which was to be expected given the time but from his creased suit he hadn't yet gone to bed.
Maybe they had long hours in common?
"Umm, hello Mr Mayor," Lincoln opened with a friendly voice. "I'm sure you heard of me since you… put the bounty on me."
The Mayor regarded him with something between irritation and bemusement. "… Well, it would have been hard to miss you in that suit. And the rampant property vigilantism, property destruction, injury claims against the city-"
"Yeah about that," Lincoln interjected. "Ah, look I know that we haven't exactly seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but you've got to understand. The city was going to dark place, people were getting hurt and I couldn't just stand by and let it happen, and the police couldn't stop it and I could! And I have, just look at the crime rate-"
"The crime rate might have gone down, it's true. But at what cost?" The Mayor countered. "Your victims are badly injured after their encounters because of your violent methods and the police have lost countless plans and strategies to take down these crime rings the legal way because of your 'interventions'; so their bosses from the other cities have escaped prosecution. Worst of all, the damage your 'adventures' cause is left to the owners and the city to cover- do you have any idea how much repairing that Burpin' Burger you smashed through cost?"
Lincoln shrunk a bit. "… No."
"Nothing." The Mayor curtly asserted. "Because it was shut down for numerous health code violations, but it would have had to anyway since Burpin' Burger's insurance wouldn't have covered the cost made by 'Super-heroics' and everyone there would have lost their jobs regardless. It's because of these reckless 'antics' of yours that this city suffers, no matter how popular you may or may not be on the internet."
Lincoln withered a bit, but even so…
"But the crime rings-"
"Would have been dealt with in good time by the well trained and disciplined Police force," The Mayor coldly asserted. "There was no need for an amateur in a costume to play 'Ace Savvy' and hope they did more good than harm. And as we have established, you haven't even managed that."
Lincoln glared up as something occurred to him, "and why would we have believed that? No other city has managed to kick these guys out!"
"The feds were on it," The Mayor sighed. "They were planning a widespread strategy to paralyze and destroy the entire network in one hit, but after your vigilantism the entire plan fell apart.
You didn't stop the 'bad guys'. They've just learnt to keep their heads down for a while, and they'll be back stronger next time."
Lincoln was silent. His mind turned over the facts, had he really made things worse?
The story did make some sense, but the town had been hurting and someone needed to stop it, not just wait for the government to step in months after everything was ruined. But if the FBI or someone else had been on the case then had he ruined the chances of the other cities of getting clean?
Surely Lisa would have known, she was smart enough to make his formula after all?
But if she had made a mistake, if she had tunnel visioned again like she did with other things…
"I can see this is all a bit much for you." The Mayor interrupted his thoughts. "These are tough decisions. But someone has to make them, and quite frankly I think it should be someone elected, rather than some wannabe hero who picked up a pair of tights and thought it made them special."
Lincoln flushed at that. "Well, at least I did something- y-you just waited for someone else to come fix the problem!"
"Well, consider the problem fixed." The Mayor snapped. "A shame you can't do the same for the multitude of livelihoods that your methods ruined-"
"Speaking from experience Mr Mayor?" A feminine voice interjected, and Lincoln looked behind him to see a certain cow-pattered heroine standing in the doorway, 'emitters' at the ready.
"Wha-"
SPLLORSH!
The guards in the room were instantly covered in sticky, combustion stopping goo that bound them to the walls.
So was Lincoln, but he just broke out of it anyway.
"Madame Milkshakes!" He gasped, what are you doing here!?"
"Oh, I just heard that something was going down at The Mayor's house," she smiled. "I didn't expect you to be here… honestly it's been a while since we last saw each other."
"I-I know," Lincoln swallowed. "I haven't been avoiding you or anything, but you're hard to keep track of and you never gave a number or anything-"
"Oh right, um- you want my phone number then?" Milkshakes fumbled around in her belt, "sure I can-"
"Excuse me, sorry to interrupt." The Mayor sarcastically interjected. "But you could you explain to me why you saw fit to invade my home and-"
"Oh right, this guy," Milkshakes pointed at him. "Don't listen to a thing he said. He's in cahoots with the crime rings."
"What, really!?" Lincoln gasped, then glared at The Mayor. "You fiend!"
"I take great offense at these grave and unsubstantiated accusations!" The Mayor spluttered. "… And will not be leaving my bunker until well after you have both surrendered-"
The screen was suddenly silenced by a SPLLOSH of fluid.
"Yeah, total jerkwad too." Milkshakes huffed.
"Wow, I guess I was right to ignore the rule of law after all," Lincoln nodded. "Geeze, he almost got me there. If he had been telling the truth I would have felt awful!"
"Well it's a good think I came in when I did," Milkshakes smiled. "… So about that number…"
The two would make their way out of the house quickly, before they had to beat up any more guards and in turn parted ways since Lincoln only had so much time to get home before it got too cold for his naughty bits on the long trek back in the nude. But at least now when he slept he felt certain of his path again.
And his dreams contained the image of certain cow-print wearing heroine, whose number he kept secure on a slip of paper under his pillow.
