Lisa Ex Failure: Worst Genius Ever (Bestest Brother Ever)

The Loud house had gone through many changes through its years as a home to the titular family. The marriage of Lynn Sr and Rita, the birth of Lori and the tidal wave of siblings to follow, the innumerable adventures and mishaps those siblings had experienced and suffered through childhood and the pressure cooker of adolescence and a thousand things other covered in those broad categories and forgotten entirely.

Many of those things had been unexpected, as one would paradoxically expect given the many absurdities that the house of eccentric extroverts induced on a semi-regular basis (their little mad scientist alone…). However; among the usual masquerades, practically lethal pranks and habitual harassment there was the occasional unpredictable unexpected;

Like Lincoln's Squirrel Suit 'adventure'.

Or Luna's garage band breakdown.

And now;

Leni's pregnancy.

"So," Rita Loud addressed her second youngest daughter with a dangerous calm. "Would you like to explain yourself young woman?"

Lisa withered under her parents' crossfire. The child genius was sat upon her progenitors' bed, well away from prying eyes if not ears thanks to the thinness of the walls.

"Well, you see…" Lisa uncharacteristically flubbed. "I... AHEM; there was a situation with Leni, who had developed 'amorous' affections for our fraternal sibling unit-"

"O!M! GOSH YOU GUYS!" Leni's happy squeal cut through room, slightly dampened by the walls. "Linky and I are totes having the cutest baby ever!"

"We've noticed," Rita facepalmed. "Just get to the part where you came up with your little 'solution' and why you thought it would work."

"Very well," Lisa flushed as more murmurs went through the house with every exclamation of happiness from the fashionista. "Lori and Luna approached me with the problem at hand- I feel it necessary to point that they both tacitly accepted and approved of my solution-"

"OOOH!" Leni's voice pierced through the walls once more. "I can model my own pregnant clothing line- Lori, can I borrow your top for a base? It's totes roomier than any of mine!"

"They're going to be punished too," Lynn Sr nodded firmly. "Don't you worry about that."

"… As you wish." Lisa refocused. "As stated; my second eldest sister unit had developed her 'affliction', and my eldest and third eldest sister units approached me for assistance. They had already discovered Leni's predicament and had attempted to communicate the social and genetic issues with pursuing her desired outcome. However they felt that her usual 'state of mind' was providing an obstacle to her comprehension of the exactitude of the serious ramifications of any realisation of her goals.

Thus they turned to me for assistance."

"… Gonna look so cute!" Leni's voice peaked again. "Oh! Maybe you can get Bobby to give you one too- we can be Mommy-models together!"

Rita's eye twitched, and she glared at the ceiling with bared teeth. "IF ANYONE ELSE GETS PREGNANT THEY'RE GETTING HELD BACK A YEAR TO TAKE CARE OF IT! WE ARE NOT YOUR DAYCARE YOUNG LADIES! DO YOU HEAR ME!?"

"Yes Mom!" The house chorused.

Rita nodded firmly, then snapped her eyes up at the ceiling again as something else occurred to her. "AND IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR A VASECTOMY LINCOLN! DON'T THINK WE WON'T GIVE YOU ONE AT ELEVEN IF WE CATCH YOU HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE- ESPECIALLY ANOTHER SISTER!"

"… Okay Mom!" Lincoln's slightly wheezy voice came through the walls.

Rita pinched the bridge of her nose and returned her gaze to the disgraced genius. "… Well go on. We want to know how we got here- please make this make sense."

Lisa adjusted her glasses, trying to ignore the little bead of stress sweat rolling down the side of her face. "Well; I listened to the problem and came to the conclusion that Leni would not likely listen to reason as she possesses a fundamentally childlike mindset- exempting yours truly of cours-"

Her usual self aggrandisement fell short as Rita Loud's blue eyes seemed to become like lasers and Lisa was pointedly reminded that her failures today made her usual boasts hollow.

"- As I was saying; Leni has a childlike mind that would not be dissuaded from her desires by simply outlining some potential consequences that may be dismissed in the 'heat of the moment'," Lisa hastily explained. "Thus I concluded that the most effective method of dissuasion would be to simply provide an example of an immediate and unavoidable consequences that would serve as an absolute barrier to entry and hopefully dissuade any amorous attempts until Leni had 'moved on' as it were."

"So you told her that her vagina would grow teeth and bite Lincoln's dick off." Rita bluntly summarised.

"… A crude but accurate enough-"

"Enough is right." Rita held up her finger. "Now before we go any further we have to know something; did you try anything else?"

Lisa flushed again, "… I believed that my precautions would be sufficient-"

"Like telling us?" Lynn Sr interjected. "Or getting Lori to keep a closer eye on Leni until this passed over- maybe even just warning Lincoln so he didn't only find out about Leni's thing when she was dressed up like his crush and grabbing his junk?"

"Do you think that would have changed things?" Rita raised an eyebrow. "From his story I don't think he even thought about saying no."

"Not really," Lynn Sr admitted. "He's a boiling pot of hormones at the moment, but he might have had a clearer mind to refuse if he'd had a bit of a heads up!"

"Parental Units!" Lisa interrupted. "I appreciate the extent of my failure, and for that I have offered what contrition I can; namely my own services as a paediatrician and extensive technology to counter any effects from inbreeding being being but part of that. However I must point out that as far as I can tell no one else has been held accountable for their failings in this matter- it is entirely unfair that I bear the full weight of-"

"Oh don't you worry," Rita snapped. "Lori and Luna were both responsible for this as well since they were the oldest- most capable of the oldest kids anyway. So they're going to be joining Lincoln and Leni in taking care of the baby. You on the other hand are clearly still a child, genius or not-"

"I beg your pardon?" Lisa spluttered, long suffering the weight of presumed immaturity while bearing an intellect that towered over everyone else in the house. "I must contest this assessment of childishness-"

"No." Rita grit her teeth. "No you do not. It is why you are being let off with nothing but a warning about thinking things through next time."

Lisa was taken aback.

"Lori and Luna should have taken better care of Leni," Rita continued. "Not just hope that your 'interesting' solution would work out. Lincoln should have thought with his big head, not his little one and Leni… is Leni. But you are just a child, and the girls should have remembered that even if you are a clever girl, so you're getting off light.

Unless you feel like you are grown up enough to take responsibility for this mess." Rita narrowed her eyes, and Lisa bit her tongue even as her pride demanded a response. "Good, we're glad we could agree on this. Now, why don't you come and help us draw up something to help 'educate' the rest of your siblings on the benefits of abstinence- or just not breeding with their brother before we get a full set of inbred Grandchildren…"


"… and that concludes my presentation upon the trauma of childbirth," Lisa clicked off the projector, allowing the basement light to come back on and her siblings to blink the dazzle away. "Any questions?"

"Oooh!" Leni put up her hand and waved until Lisa sighed and pointed at her. "Can you like, make this super science juice that makes it all feel nice instead?"

Lisa facepalmed. The rest of the siblings nearby looked away awkwardly at the sight of the sweetheart sister- now filled with incestuous spawn. At her side an embarrassed Lincoln sat gingerly trying not to move as the leather of his newly fitted chastity belt chafed against his skin under his clothes.

"Because that would be totes fab," Leni nodded to herself.

Lisa sighed, "theoretically, such a thing is-"

Two sets of eyes stared her down, and Lisa withered before the uncharacteristically severe gazes of her parents. Their patience drained by both the situation and the fruitless efforts they'd spent trying to get Leni to consider an abortion. "-Utterly impossible. Not even worth considering."

"Speaking of consideration," Rita interjected, drawing the room's attention to her. "We've gotten a nice selection of chastity belts just in case anyone else tries 'keeping it in the family'. So don't even think about it."

"Dude!" Luna gagged, barely able to look Lincoln or Leni in the eye. "Why even go there-"

"Your sister is literally pregnant with Lincoln's child- you know damn well why." Lynn Sr sniped, normally placid temper peaked by nonsense.

"But what if we go camping!?" Leni gasped. "And Linky looks just so yummy in his swim suit that-"

"Dude, gross!" Lynn gagged. "Don't even go there!"

"Or if Lori has too much fun juice again and needs Linky to-"

"Leni!" Lori hissed, suddenly aware of their parents suspicious gazes turning to her. "That's not going to happen- or ever did!"

"Okay," Leni scratched her head in confusion. "But what if Max and Luna-"

"Her name's Sam," Luna facepalmed. "And for the love of Swagger please st-"

"Move out to the city and secretly want to have cute babies and Linky's not there?" Leni gasped. "They'd have to get a stranger to help them- and that would be totes gross!"

Rita and Lynn looked at each other, then back at their strange, silly, pregnant daughter.

"What?" She titled her head in confusion. "We'll all be waaay closer like this anyways- totes better sisters!"