Making Replacements:

"Hahhh," Lynn Sr sighed as his dear, beloved and utterly nonplussed wife dabbed at as another of his abrasive wounds with a sterilised cotton ball.

"Well you shouldn't have held on after the first few metres dear," Rita rolled her eyes. "You're lucky Lori stopped before you needed go to the hospital."

It was a time of mixed emotions for the couple, for today marked a new ending in their lives. They had gone through dating, marriage and raising children together.

But they had never let one of their children go off to live their lives before.

"Oh, I'm sorry Rita." The wistfully gazed through the window at the road where his firstborn had so recently departed to begin her adult life. "It's just that our baby girl is gone and I-I don't know how to handle that."

"She's not gone forever," Rita rolled her eyes, then tossed the last cotton ball so she could begin packing the first aid kit. "She'll be back for the holidays, and probably whatever weekends she doesn't have anything else on for."

"But for how long!?" Rita suddenly found her husband clutching at her once more. "Just think about it; she's got a whole other life now- she'll make new friends, get a new job and study Golf and whatever else Fairway has. It won't be long before she moves on and forgets about all of us!"

"You're being dramatic dear," Rita gently- but firmly pushed him back into his chair. "We knew this would happen eventually, and we can call Lori whenever we want to keep in contact- see?"

She flipped open her own phone and drew up Lori's contact to call her.

The phone connected and rang once.

Twice…

Thrice…

It rang until the message box recording played;

"I'm literally too busy to take a call at the moment- why don't you leave a message and I'll get back whenever." Rita cancelled the call with a frown.

"See!" Lynn's pointed to the phone empathically. "Its already beginning!"

"She's probably just still driving, or moving in." Rita dismissed, but a hint of worry crept into her tone.

"Moving in- because she's already moved out!" Lynn practically sobbed. "Don't you see Rita, our first baby is gone and the rest are right next!"

"Oh Lynn…" Rita backed away slightly, only for her husband to suddenly grab her hands and start babbling with desperate eyes.

"She's just the first- Leni'll be next and she'll probably get into some really weird school on a fashion scholarship-"

Rita attempted to calm him with logic; "I'm not sure those exist-"

Lynn stopped crying for a moment to look at him with sober incredulity. "Golf College is real Rita."

"… Fair point." Rita admitted. "But Leni is… 'special'. We don't know where she'll go after graduation- if she graduates." She sighed.

"That's the thing; she's never been held back a year!" Lynn exclaimed, returning to his previous hysterics. "Somehow she always pulls through- even before we had Lisa! She could end up qualifying for some special ultra-elite scholarship on the coasts and we'll never see her again because she forgot how a video call works!"

Rita opened her mouth to counter his absurd assertions… but she had nothing.

Leni's combination of absurd incomprehension and brilliance made exactly that kind of normally outlandish path entirely practical. In fact; it might be just the most likely thing to happen to her of all!

"And what about Luna!?" Lynn barrelled on. "She might not even wait for graduation before she goes off to chase her dreams- just look at her always sneaking out and slacking off at school and tell me she's not going to run off with her band the second she turns eighteen! She'll be here one day- and the next she'll be in Chicago- or Detroit or Wisconson!"

"I-I don't think there's much of a Rock and Roll scene in Wisconsin Dear," Rita tried to smile, but the expression twisted into a grimace as she contemplated just how eager her once quiet daughter would be to go on tour as soon as possible.

"Oh Rita, it seems like just yesterday she was a calm little thing too timid to even speak up- now she's already got a girlfriend and had more big breaks than most people get in their lifetime!" Lynn's eyes watered. "She only stuck around because they wanted her to play Pop! She's going out to live that Rock Star lifestyle sooner or later and I can tell it's not going to be later!

And just look at Luan!" He gasped before Rita could try to mount a defence. "She's insane- but she's brilliant, if she doesn't get arrested she could be one of those pranking Viewtube celebrities and live in some overpriced mansion in California like the rest and somehow monetise all of her worst antics for profit!"

"That's…" Rita shuddered as she compared the nonsense she'd heard internet celebrities get away with- and her daughter? Little Miss April Fools was a genuine terror with what pennies she pulled in from her part time job, if she didn't have school to distract her and she put her mind to it she'd be… "… oh God…"

"Lynn's already talking about what teams she wants to be drafted for!" Lynn Sr stared counting down children. "Lucy wants to go live in haunted houses for 'research' for her poems, Lola wants to model around the world and Lisa already left us once when she was four- she's not going to be here when she's an adult."

"H-honey…" Rita pulled her hands from his to pat him on the shoulder uncertainly. "Lynn and the others aren't anywhere near old enough to leave home, and you skipped over some-"

"It'll happen before you know it." Lynn Sr looked up with haunted eyes. "It feels like yesterday Lori was playing with Fenton- now she's gone. Lynn, Lucy- we'll blink and they'll be out the door!"

Rita felt herself crack a bit as memories of a more innocent Lori happily running to her flashed before her- but as that little girl came closer she grew larger, still happy and playful at first- but losing her enthusiasm as the years washed over her. That happy gallop fell to a stumbling jog as her limbs extended, then as puberty 'graced' her the once cheerful child fell into a uncertain walk- hunching over as unwanted hair grew, pimples and glasses appeared. But the awkward stage was never forever- and in instant the chrysalis of puberty fell away with the tacky glasses and braces as the now nearly grown woman found a phone to stare at as she walked past Rita without a second glance, the disinterest only falling from her face as she looked up to see something in the distance with sudden fear and joy.

The mother turned to grasp at her as the apparition passed her- but her fingers fell through nothing as she realised she was still in the kitchen. Hand held outstretched to the front door to the house Lori no longer called home.

"Oh…" she said thickly. "She was just here wasn't she? Just getting ready for her first of school, a-and then she grew up when we weren't looking."

"And she doesn't need us anymore." Lynn sighed. "Just you wait- we'll blink and everyone will be gone!"

Rita's felt herself get a little lightheaded, but refocussed. "N-now now dear, I think you're overreacting. We still have years with the others… even if Leni might be gone next year, a-and Luna the next-" she stopped herself. "But Lincoln and Lana could stay in Royal Woods anyway, and Lily's going to be around for at least a decade and half more!"

"Sure, that could happen," Lynn thought over the proposition. "But we have no idea if Lincoln's going to develop some weird talent out of the blue that'll take him far away like the others-"

"He is overdue…" Rita admitted. "Everyone else but Lily's found their niche… maybe he's… ordinary?"

They'd never say it to his face- but this wasn't the first time she and Lynn had worried that their only son would be the exception of their exceptional children. Unless obsessive-compulsive planning and schemes were his talent- but that was an entirely different can of worms.

"Maybe?" Lynn flip-flopped. "But Lana- she could a be mechanic and work in Royal Woods sure, but what if she decides she wants to become some weird animal Doctor and go live in the Amazon or something? And Lily already knows how to use Lori's phone, she'll probably find her thing faster than anyone but Lisa! And it'll probably be something really special that she can do even better someplace far, far away from the both of us so she'll move out and we'll be all alone again!" The man's bottom lip quivered. "It's only a matter of time…"

"Oh Lynn!" The matriarch finally broke and dropped herself into his arms. "What are we going to do! Our babies are flying out the nest before our eyes!"

A new resolve filled Lynn's eyes, and he pulled his life up to gaze into her. "It's okay; I have a plan- but we'll need Lisa-"

Rita's cellphone suddenly rang. And while there rest of the day was taken up by Lily's 'potty problems', their solution was far from forgotten…


"… And that's how we got here!" Rita happily declared as she rubbed her full belly.

"Just to make sure I got this right…" Lori facepalmed, home for the holidays just in time to see her mother swollen with the telltale signs of a thoroughly pregnant woman. "I leave for a few months- and that's your cue to have more kids.

Literally why? I know you already loose track of us and you're the one who gave birth to us!"

"Well, honey" Her father wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders. "You see, me and Rita have been together a long time and-"

"Our parental units have an intense fertilisation paraphilia," Lisa popped up from behind them. "Street name; breeding fetish."

"Lisa!" Their mother went red. "You can't-"

"Coupled with their long established need to derive meaning via providing care to offspring, they feared the loss of their sense of purpose and so went to 'fixing the problem' as it were," Lisa made airquotes with her fingers.

"Really Mom?" Lori rolled her eyes. "Eleven wasn't enough?"

"Yeah dude, there's gonna be like twenty of us if you keep pumpin' 'em out!" Luna exclaimed.

"I doubt that," Lisa countered. "Our Parental Units insisted on 'reconditioning' our Maternal Unit's reproductive system to a pristine state-"

"What?" Lori backed away, the other siblings faceplamed or rolled their eyes as their preference.

"- so that they could continue to 'pump 'em out' as it were until well into their old age." Lisa continued unabated. "Twenty is a very low estimate of their likely 'final score' as it were."

"Why?" Lori asked the little genius this time. "Why would you help her do this?"

"She has free reign to take anyone's extra kidney now," Lana sighed. "And she gets to use Lincoln as a 'lab assistant' whenever she wants."

"Lab assistant? What kind of 'lab assistant'!?" Lori's head snapped to look at Lincoln, who sourly raised up the bottom of his shirt, revealing that his that inner organs now glowed through the transparent skin, fat and muscle.

"It's really not as bad as it looks," he resignedly sighed. "It's actually three times worse."


Lincoln Gets Creative:

Lincoln Loud had done many shameful things in his life, almost all of which involved his sisters in some way. But the most egregious, and pointless thing of all however had basically nothing to do with them (for once).

For in his time growing up, Lincoln had come across many interests and some few talents- most of which were more or less instantly overshadowed by one or more of his assorted sisters. However as he grew to maturity Lincoln's long love for comics and fiction in general lead him down a dark path, that of the fanboy. And that path lead to a place so egocentric, so obsessive and void of hope that he would never truly recover from its influence.

This of course, was the vapid and vain world of fanfiction.

For a boy like him, finding forums and common fans of Ace Savvy from across the world was a goldmine, and the potential of storytelling unbound by editors, canon or simple common sense was like a drug. It wasn't long before the then young man took the last step to solidifying the waste of his potential when he was struck by an idea for a fanfic that no one seemed to have done before, and desperate to share his vision (and obtain the sweet elixir of validation his sisters seemed to drink like water thanks to their talents) that he feverishly typed it out, made an account and posted the misspelled and poorly thought out piece within day.

Now years later the young man was one of the foremost members of the Ace Savvy fanficition community, even earning commissions for fics that were sort of maybe legal ("they are absolutely not elder brother unit, you are simply too irrelevant for the publisher to sue") and if he worked fast enough usually didn't amount to minimum wage when he divided the commission fee by the hours he spent on each one!

Today's commission was a particularly well paying one- which meant he was writing porn. Sure, he liked plot, mysteries and action as much as he had when he was younger (and maybe a little less disillusioned with the depth of Ace Savvy's storytelling), but what the people wanted wasn't any of those things.

No, the people wanted to read about Ace taking his enemies, friends and occasionally family (which was so horrifying to Lincoln, who had grown up close to his own family, that he had to charge them fifty percent extra for trauma!) in each and every position the commissioners could think of. Which usually wasn't that many since the kind of people who were deep enough into the fandom to pay for fanfiction usually didn't have that much personal experience of their own, but still had fertile imaginations about how they thought such encounters were meant to go and how they wanted to defy biology for the sake of their fantasies.

Today for example; Ace had tracked down one of his arch-nemesis, the Tall Queen who was probably an expy of his own High Card OC from way back when. The thing was, she was also an official character from the actual publisher- apparently someone in the studio just happened to draw her exactly like a pallet-swapped villainous version of his own character.

Yeah, he didn't buy it either- on the other hand he was pretty sure if he tried taking on the actual publisher for copyrite infringement as a fan artist defending his OC he'd get laughed out of court. Besides, the controversy had helped propel his 'fanfic career' to new heights anyway.

Still though, today's commission had Ace tracking down the Tall Queen and for some reason getting into a sex battle where the first to climax had to surrender their true identity. It was so ridiculously contrived that Lincoln had to stop a few times to think about how he got to this point in this life, but he barrelled on in the end anyway. After all, he'd had that conversation with himself enough times to just skip to the end ("have you considered therapy, elder brother unit? Debating oneself so frequently that one has grown bored raises many questions about their life direction, and none of them good").

Sure, it was kind of gross and cringey- High Card was based on his then teenage elder sister after all. But Lincoln was an experienced 'writer' at this point, so his scruples were mostly contextual as to how soon his rent was due this week.

In the end, the story was finished as Ace's battle ended with both parties sore, sticky and thoroughly satisfied despite Ace having somehow managed to use his metre-long super schlong to 'rearrange Tall Queen's guts' without killing her.

"Ahh…" Lincoln sighed to himself as he began the long work of editing out the most obvious spelling errors. "Another job… done."

It only took abut five minutes for him to be done, then send it off to a colleague for a second set of eyes to find all the errors his own tired ones had missed. Half an hour and a microwave dinner later he got it back properly edited with a general tone of approval, even if the beta-reader thought it was a little phoned in compared to his older stuff.

Whatever, he uploaded the silly thing anyway.

Lincoln's passion for the fandom had died when it became a contrived mess that drove away any new and interesting takes on the characters because of community politics. Sure, there were one or two new bright sparks that popped up now and then but ninety percent of the new stuff was just some kind of porn or another plot that had been original years before he'd gotten involved.

*Ding*

He was distracted from his morose self-absorption as his email let him know something new had arrived. In an instant he was there, his mouth watering at the old thrill of a review like one of Pavlov's dogs eager for a meal that could never nourish it.

And like mana from heaven; a review it was.

Alas- it was a flame.

Lol, Ace fucking an underage girl. Nice job.

Wait- what?

Lincoln froze as he read the line- he'd aged up Tall Queen right? He did that for all his works so he didn't get charged for writing kiddie po-

But to his horror, one reading of the fic in question revealed no such age up. There was nothing in there to indicate that Tall Queen was anything but her canon age- which meant-

*BANG! BANG! BANG!*

"FBI! OPEN UP!"

"Dang it."

And like that Lincoln Loud was SWATed by an opportunistic troll.

After hours of being held at gunpoint, taken to the station for interrogation, having his computer taken for evidence and having his history probably illegally examined; he was let go, since Tall Queen was canonically seventeen and sixteen was the age of consent in Michigan anyway.

However he had to explain himself to his family and friends, and when they didn't believe him they found out that he basically wrote porn of Lori so they officially designated him 'The Creepy One' at family gatherings and Lori never looked at him the same way again

On the other hand, the newfound fame meant he got more traffic that month.

It was just a shame his neighbours knew what he did for a living now.


Rita's Felonious Friends:

Within the doorway stood three burly women; the leftmost was a Red-haired woman with a deep scar that stretched from her jaw, passing through her glass-eye filled left eyesocket to reach her hairline. In the middle was a silent woman with a shaved head and brows, and to her right was a tall blonde woman with an easy smile that would put the casual observer at ease if not for what was clearly a tattoo of certain ethno-nationalistic organisation upon her bare upper arm. Lisa took one look at the symbol and pointedly walked out the kitchen without a word.

"All right kids, these are some of my friends from… you know." Rita trailed off.

"Prison?" Lana piped up, happily oblivious in the way only a child could be.

"Oh! Em! Gosh!" Leni gasped, happily obviously in the way only a Leni could be "Did you guys do steal parking to get away from your families too!? I had no idea it was so popular!"

"Naah," the scarred ginger grinned at the girl, her glass eye spinning in odd directions as she moved. "Tax fraud and 'illicit activites' with a pig."

"You have a Pig!?" Lana gasped.

"Not anymore," the ginger widened her smile. "But he'll always be with me. Mostly because I nicked his liver."

Leni's smile dipped slightly.

"You ate your Pig!?" Lana's eyes widened. "That sounds awesome!"

"Not just ate." The Ginger patted an obvious scar where her shirt rode up. "Me and the girls had us a pig farm and we saw us an untapped market in the organ trade. You know much a workin' kidney goes for? A lot!"

Rita started sweating, as Leni started inching back. "Uhh, Iris I'm not sure this is an appropriate topic for her age."

Iris shrugged. "Eh, fair enough; long story short is we didn't do technically nothin' too bad but someone forgot to cut in Uncle Sam on the profits so we got Al Caponed. The blondie who's not your Mom is Ada, the skin 'ead's Lucille- we call 'er Seal for short 'cause even seal is more intimating than frigging Lucy."

Lucy Loud silently vanished into the vents to fume.

Seal stood silently, but menacingly.

"Don't mind if she don't talk much, she's a bit shy." Iris smiled. "Now there Rits tells me you lot sure like keeping things lively, so we thought we'd come down and see the sh-"

"Poo-poo!" Lily declared with a giggle.

"- storm in person!" Iris nodded to herself, "gotta see if the legends are true and all that."

"All right kids," Rita interjected. "The Girls are just going to be over a few hours, and I expect you to make them welcome…."


"And over there is my mudpit!" Lana pointed at the patch of dirt. "Me and Lynn go wrestle in it sometimes- but usually I just play with Charles!"

"Aw yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Iris grinned. "I used to do that with me pig Stimpy- before we needed him for parts anyway."

"Dang…" Lana stepped away a bit. "I'm… sorry?"

"Don't be, got us twenty grand per kidney." Iris looked up the sky in fond memory. "And the meat was right tasty too- ain't nothin' like the taste of a well raised animal, especially if it liked ya!"

Charles darted into the house.

"Y-you know, I'm surprised you could even give people animal organs." Lana uncharacteristically stuttered. "Lisa always says that kind of thing is really hard-"

"Hard if you don't have the right connections little girl," Iris laughed. "Friend of ours hooked us up with some crazy stuff from up north that made it all work on the cheap. Dunno exactly where it came from and all that but for a while there we had some real enterprise goin' on; people got their organs, we gots our Benjamins and everyone was happy till Big Daddy Government came down on us for not cuttin' 'im in…."

The Burly redhead continued her rant, meanwhile a chagrined Lisa sourly listened in through her comms and facepalmed as she realised where her 'side business' of under the table anti-rejection pills had lead.


Seal it turned out, actually liked cooking.

"See, my Dad usually cooks since he's a Chef and everything." Lynn carefully spread the tomato paste across her pizza base. "Thing is though; I'm awesome with it too since I'm Lynn Loud, Sportsgirl extraordinaire! And all real Sportstars know you have to put good stuff in to get good stuff out so-"

Seal held up a finger, and then pointed to the bowl of mozzarella.

"… Uh my cheese? It's mozzarella; Dad always gets the good stuff for Pizzas!"

Seal picked up the bowl stared at it for a moment, then looked to the fridge, before calmly marching over and opening it up.

Lynn opened her mouth to protest but found herself shutting it as Seal came out with another cheese. In her hand.

The tall woman loomed over Lynn.

"…. W-t t-ngs?"

"What?" Lynn could barely hear her.

"What. Toppings?" The woman's voice rasped louder.

"Just the regulars, you know-" she pointed at some prepared veggies and the odd meatball to her taste all ready for application. "Basic stuf-"

"No." Seal calmly gathered the prepared toppings and swept them aside. She pulled out a cheese grater from somewhere. "Mozzarella combines with Cheddar for a perfect homemade pizza. You don't disgrace it with that…"


"Oh! Em! Gosh!" Leni squealed as she feasted upon her slice of Lynn and Seal's pizza. "This pizza is totes delish, I wonder if she'll give Dad the recipe."

"I think she's literally teaching Lynn now," Lori eyeballed the very powdery, but oddly enamoured jock still in the kitchen with Seal. "I'm pretty sure she's got a crush on her."

"But Seal's a grownup!" Leni gasped. "Grownups aren't supposed to have crushes on kids!"

"I meant Lynn has- you know what; nevermind." Lori rolled her eyes. "is Lana still out with Iris?"

"Oh totally," Leni pointed to where Lana and Iris were currently brawling in the mudpit outside. "Like, I think Lana was shy for some reason before but they're totes getting on now!"

"Well, good for them." Lori brightened up a bit. "You know, I thought this would be some kind of disaster when Mom brought her prison friends over, but so far it's turned out really well!"

"Yeah, I mean; just look at their fashion sense!" Leni shuddered at the sight of jeans and sweat-stained shirts that still clad the women in sight. "But like; they're as pretty on the inside as they are tacky on the outside!"

"I guess we really shouldn't judge a book by its cover." Lori mused.

"That too," Leni smiled. "But I don't think they brought any books over."

Lori ignored this as something occurred to her. "Hey, do know where Ada went?"

"I think she went up to speak to Linky!" Leni nodded. "She totes like his hair!"


"A-and that's my Ace Savvy first edition." Lincoln swallowed at the muscled blonde loomed over him. "I have to save up for a-a really long time to get it."

He tried not to look at her directly, but the clear swastika on her upper arm drew his eyes like a magnet.

"That really cool kid," Ada sat down on his bed, then motioned for him to join her. Then not so gently pulled him down next to her when he hesitated, draping her arm over his shoulders so that he couldn't squirm away. "But I've got a somethin' else a boy like you might want to think about."

"Really?" Lincoln felt himself being pulled closer to the woman.

"Yeah, just little somethin' that people like us-" she suddenly stopped, then looked around the room. "Say, your Mom mentioned you had little more sound-proofin' than the rest right?"

"Uh- sure," Lincoln eyed his walls. "The house gets pretty loud and I like to read my comics so-"

"That's all I needed to hear." The woman let go of him, then started pulled off her tank top.

"Wait-what?" Lincoln scrambled back, only to find himself caught by a scrawny ankle.

The woman sat there with a deadly serious expression, tank top on the floor. "I didn't really believe it when Rita told us about your hair, but seeing is believing and Lincoln Loud; with those pretty blue eyes and platinum blond hair you are the single most perfect example of the Aryan Race I have ever seen."

"Uhhh, thank you?" He found himself being pulled towards the creepy woman with a force that the pitiful grip of his comic-book nerd fingers couldn't hope to match even as they scrabbled for purchase anywhere they could. "Wait- what are you-"

"I think you know what's gonna happen next little man." Ada stared him down as she pulled him closer. "Our people are outnumbered, and the best way to fix that these days isn't war, but love."

Her other hand snapped her bra open from the front.

"I-I'm just a kid," he spluttered. "And I don't think-"

"Shhh." The woman pressed a finger to his lips. "Don't worry about; just let Mama Ada take care 'o you and you'll be a man before you know it…"


"All right then kids, I hope you all had fun!" Rita held her hands on her hips, "The Girls are leaving now!"

"Thanks for showing me that pizza stuff!" Lynn hi-fived seal, who accepted it with a smile.

"You aren't half bad for an organ trader!" Lana smiled at Iris.

"You're not too shoddy for a little stinker yourself!" Iris laughed.

"Aw, thanks!" Lana blushed at the 'compliment'.

"Where's Lincoln?" Lynn Sr looked around.

"Ah don't mind 'im," Ada wore a satisfied smirk. "Little Dude couldn't handle bein' next to this and had to go take 'imself a long cold shower- 'es probably still in."

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" Rita gasped. "He's not normally like that. I promise that when he comes down he and I will have a good long talk about his behaviour."

"Ahh don't worry about, it was fun while it lasted." Ada snickered to herself.

"Can you guys come over again sometime?" Lana eagerly inquired. "It was really fun!"

"Yeah, maybe I could show you guys some stuff next time!" Lynn declared. "Maybe show you how we bench press in Royal Woods- me and the girls have a special regime to really get the blood pumping!"

"Hah, we'll have to see won't we?" Ada nodded herself, smiling as she headed out the door. "Let the little man know I had fun won't ya Rits?"

"I will after we go over appropriate behaviour with him," Rita nodded firmly. "I expect better from a boy raised with ten sisters."

"Don't sweat it," Ada waved it off with a laugh. "He at that age, heck; he can come over to our place whenever he wants."


Michigan Beauty Epilogue:

"… and that, sweetheart, is how I met your mother!"

An adult Lincoln admired the open photo album, the first pictures being copies of the Loud Family before The Divorce- and well before Lynn Sr and Rita had fallen so far. The following were a mixed bunch, some with his mother slowly growing larger with a new child- others with Carol and Lincoln happily together- the last one on the page being a family wide photo with his sisters pointedly putting distance between both the sole boy and his girlfriend on one side, and their mother with her very underaged boytoy on the other so that they were uncomfortably squished around their Grandfather, who bore a stiff smile.

"Okay…" the listener backed away slightly. "Um, c-could you give me a minute?"

Lincoln looked up to his daughter with a nonplussed smile. "Sure thing Sweetie- the Hate Pillow's over there if you want it."

"Thanks Dad, you know I always wondered why we had that. I get it now." The blonde teenager calmly grabbed the large and smothering pillow that sat next her parents' bed, and promptly stuffed her face into it.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Alas, after decades of use, the fibres' dampening capacities were easily overwhelmed by Cecelia's decibels. She practically threw the thing down onto the bedside dresser and revealed her smudged makeup and wild eyes. "WHAT. THE. FUCK!?"

She began pacing in front of him. "I-I-I don't even know where to begin- I mean, how? Why?"

A nostalgic smile came across Lincoln's face, "we were two lonely people who came together to be a little less-"

"No. No, no, no!" Cecelia stopped and pointed at him. "You were eleven. She was seventeen. That's not a romance; that's a-a News Headline? A horror story? A-"

"An unconventional relationship?" Lincoln helpfully supplied.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DAD! ARGGH!" Cecilia snapped, then snatched up the Hate Pillow to scream a bit more- before dipping it down to glare at him. "Dang it- I always wondered why you looked so young!"

"I like to think I keep myself in good shape," the mid-twenties man puffed up a bit.

"Not the FUCKING point!" Cecilia started pacing again. "How? How did this all just work out? How come Mom isn't in jail- no, scratch that; how come Grandma isn't in Jail? I mean, you started off like it was going to some story about you and Mom, then it all became about how Grandma broke up with her first husband while you skimmed over all the parts where you and Mom actually got together- then it all just ends with Lynn Sr losing his shit and fucking off into the Sunset!"

"Hmm…" Lincoln reviewed the story he'd conveyed. "Yep; that sure sounds like it!"

"You can't just leave it there!" Cecilia exclaimed. "What, Great Grandpa moves in and everything's fine? Grandma just keeps on kiddie-diddling and no one calls her out- heck, Mom comes over and Auntie Lori doesn't call bullshit on her friend cradle robbing her brother!?"

"It was a different time Celly," Lincoln reassured his little (now actually older than he was when he conceived her) girl. "Back in those days women and boys could be together easier than it is now, it wasn't even that bad if there was a big age gap if it was the boy who was underaged. Female teachers could even date their students if they kept it quiet, and only got suspended if-"

"Oh my God!" The girl backed away, the pillow falling to the floor as she collapsed her hands over her face as if to shut out his words. "J-just stop. Just stop for minute." She peeked out from between her hands with horrified eyes. "I swear, every time we talk about your past it becomes some kind of P.S.A. about how not to treat a kid! I thought the Squirrel Suit thing had to be the worst, and before that it was Aunt Luan's April Fools bullshit, and before then it was that Fight Protocol- where does it end!?"

"… Well I can see where you're coming from," Lincoln admitted. "But you really had to be there to understand these things, no one really meant any harm-"

Cecelia pulled her hands from her face and stared down disturbed. "There is not one word that has come out of your mouth for the past half hour that I don't regret hearing.

Before this I was just curious why you looked like some college fuck boy- I don't even know why I really asked; maybe Aunt Lisa had some really good skin cream? I don't know, anything but finding out Mom liked little boys probably would have been a step up from today."

Her hands flopped down, smearing traces of makeup on her skirt. "But whatever; Mom's a paedophile and you're clearly desensitised so hard you think it's normal. I'm sort of a rape baby too considering the whole 'kids can't consent' thing; but I'll get over it. I'll live. Maybe I'll develop a psychosis, live a train wreck of a life until I'm thirty-five, get forty cats and drink the pain away until my liver kicks off. Or maybe I'll just get Aunt Lisa to take the memories out so I don't have to deal with all of 'this', maybe I just pretend everything is normal and write shitty poerty like Aunt Lucy to hide my deep existential turmoil over the nature of my conception; we'll see."

Lincoln winced, "… you know what? This is on me; I should have waited until your mother was home so we could tell you story together."

"Oh yeah, that's a great idea!" Cecilia grinned, clapping her hands together sarcastically. "Maybe she could give me some tips about how to lure in little boys with juuust the right kind of candy- I'm caught between Lollypops or cookies! Which did you like better Daddy?"

She dropped the façade; "seriously though Dad, before I go off and scream for hours- is there anything else I should know?"

Lincoln thought for a moment, "… well there's some other stuff that we weren't going to mention until you were older but-"

Her eyes widened "There's mor-" she facepalmed. "Of course there is, we're the fucking Louds- just about this okay; nothing else for today."

"Well my Dad's been dead for a while," Lincoln shook his head with a bitter sigh. "But Carol's mother is still alive- she took me and your Mom getting together pretty well all things considered-"

"Was she into kiddie-diddling too?" Cecilia asked flatly. "I'm not even being sarcastic at this point, I just want to know if this shit is genetic."

"No, not as far I know." Lincoln clarified. "But she basically just nodded when Carol started bringing me over for 'dates' and didn't really mind when you came along." He looked around surreptitiously, then motioned her closer, Cecilia rolled her eyes and knelt down to hear him; "don't tell your mother I said this, but I'm pretty sure she 'checked out' a long time before I was even around."

"Yeah, well; I think that's probably the sanest reason behind any of this I heard today," Cecilia stood up with a sigh. "I'm going to go to my room for a few hours now, don't worry if I don't come down for dinner; I'm just going to scream until I get as emotionally numb to this as you are."

"Okay Sweetheart," Lincoln nodded in understanding and Cecilia made her way to the door. "Oh, wait just a sec!"

The dead-eyed teen looked back and found her considerate father holding out the soft, plush and well and clearly thoroughly used Hate Pillow. "This helps."

A broken smile crossed her face, and she let her fingers sink into the welcoming sack of fluff. "Thanks Dad, are you sure you don't need it though?"

"Nah," he waved off, grinning as he jammed a thumb at the walk-in wardrobe behind him. "We've got a closet full of 'em; go nuts sweetie!"


Day of McBride

It was the usual kind of Sunday afternoon for Lincoln Loud, he'd been playing Amphibian Assault with Clyde since it was his turn with the TV when one of his sisters had interrupted his free time to demand he do something for them (not ask, because 'asking' usually didn't involve some dire if unstated consequence for refusing). In this case, Lisa wanted to 'demonstrate' (read; show off) her newest invention, so now he and Clyde were stuck in her Bunker until they were sufficiently 'wowed' for Lisa's ego.

Normally this wouldn't be so bad, Lisa had all kind of cool and weird things in her lab after all. Like her Cryogenics Pod that Wasn't Hiding An Alien, a talking triangle or just anything else she had thought up and tried to make.

Unfortunately, today's invention was a bit less riveting than usual.

Mainly because it was a wrench.

"… And this is my universal wrench." Lisa happily grasped an otherwise nondescript handle with a flat tipped metal bar topping it, and suddenly the head morphed into a standard wrench head. "Observe!"

She presented a panel of chest high (for her) nuts screwed onto bots attached to a lab-wall affixed metal plate. As she passed the wrench near each differently sized nut, the wrench head visibly resized in preparation for potential use.

"With this device, neither Lana or any other plumber would ever need more than one wrench for their lifetime!" Lisa declared with excitement, "I'm in talks with a potential manufacturer and by this time next year they'll be on store shelves for a mere fifteen hundred dollars!"

"Wait- what!?" Lincoln exclaimed in shock. "How come they cost so much?"

"Ahh," Lisa shifted uncomfortably. "Well, the living metal components are hardly inexpensive themselves and it requires a unique battery that also requires a new kind of manufacturing-"

"Leese…." Lincoln sighed. "I don't mean to be mean, but are you sure you thought this through?"

" 'Thought this through'?" Lisa snorted. "Of course I 'thought this through'! I designed an entirely new subset of semi-malleable metal that can repeatedly harden and soften into variety of useful shapes without loss of tensile strength for decades, revolutionised the battery industry for the sake of… why are you giving me that look?"

Lincoln's mouth twitched before her delivered the bitter pill. "… Lisa, do you know what an adjustable wrench is?"

Lisa looked at him like he was stupid.

"You know," he continued unabated. "The wrench with the little screw bit in that lets it fit different sizes?"

Lisa looked at him like she was offended.

Now she looked very offended. "Fraternal Unit, I suggest that you get to whatever point you may have before I feel the need to demonstrate my expertise with hand tools."

"Okay, okay!" Lincoln thrust his hands froward in placation. "It's just… what does this thing do that an Adjustable Wrench doesn't?"

Lisa's little eyes glared up at him before she raised her finger in preparation for Lisa Loud's lecture mode (patent pending).

Then she stood there for a full five seconds, the clogs of her mind whirring behind her glasses.

"Uhh, Lincoln- is she going to be all right?" Clyde whispered to the other boy. "She's looking a little blue-screeny."

"… Lisa?" Lincoln cautiously approached- he didn't want to get word saladed into submission about his ignorance about whatever again but had clearly stopped functioning and he was the Designated Sister Task Manager! "You okay?"

Lisa blinked and spluttered back to life, "uh- ahem!" She shook herself and affixed a 'confident' smile upon her visage. "I believe the benefits of an all size wrench should be quite obvious, whereas conventional devices require multiple iterations to fit nut sizes that exceed the jaw capacity of common wrenches- this inventions need only be purchased once for all possible variations of the nut sizes!"

"But Lana already has…" Lincoln quickly counted up the different types of wrench he'd seen Lana use- including one bigger than her! "Seven- I think, and she only really uses one-"

"Elder Sibling Unit, I understand that you have a… different perspective to myself," Lisa smugly pushed her glasses up. "But seven is in fact, more than one. One perfect wrench for example, is-"

"And they're all from Dad's toolbox, which was Great-Grandpa's toolbox!" Lincoln threw his hands up in frustration, "because they basically last forever. We could even go to the hardware store and get the best, most long lasting set of wrenches there with a lifetime warranty for two hundred dollars!"

"Well they will certainly need replacing at some point," Lisa huffed. "My device on the other hand could very easily forever!"

"But the price means that someone would have to expect to lose seven and a half sets of wrenches for as long as they live before it looks like a good deal!" Lincoln pointed to the wrench. "It costs way too much to do the same thing as what's already there!"

"The manufacturing costs will decrease once the consumer market comes to appreciate the obvious advantages!" Lisa huffed.

"But there's all kind of special stuff that goes into yours right?" Lincoln looked over the technological marvel again. "The special metal and battery- you said it was revolutionary?"

"Indeed," Lisa puffed up again. "Nothing like it has ever come before-"

"Yeah, and will the stuff it's made out of- the special metal and batteries. That's hard to make right?" Lincoln insisted. "Think about it, when you watch documentaries about making metal tools they basically just pour metal into a mould and do a few other things that are pretty simple for a factory. But I bet making that special metal and anything else in your wrench takes a lot more than that, heck; it probably needs all kind of special tools of its own."

A slight colour went into Lisa's face as emabrassment registered, and Lincoln's older brother instincts warned him of bitterness for weeks if he didn't pull off the next part right.

Fortunately, getting Lisa to see things relatively sensibly usually had a simple solution.

Before she could embark upon a rationalising defensive tirade, Lincoln knelt before her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Lisa, you're smarter than me right?"

Her eyes narrowed, "I thought that much was obvious, but feel free to admit your deficit in other areas to spare me the trouble."

Lincoln ignored the prick to his ego. "Well then tell me; even if you had 'economy of scale' on your side like all those corporations do in poor countries for making things; would the price of making your special tool ever be cheaper than just making a regular wrench?"

Lisa's lip twitched. "… Perhaps if investors saw the potential it could approach functional consumer parity considering the cost of replacing less durable tools across ones lifespan-"

"But they could still get a pretty good wrench made in the old way couldn't they?" Lincoln pointed out. "Even if there were lots of factories making your kind of wrench, it would still cost way more than something made the old way and that would still last for ages anyway wouldn't it?

People who really work with tools, they're usually really practical about this kind of thing aren't they?" Lincoln looked her in the eyes, holding a softer tone to avoid pressuring her. "Would they really pay even twice as much for something that does the same thing a set they could get for cheaper can?"

Lisa mumbled something, averting her eyes.

He didn't say anything, just letting her think for a moment- for her that moment probably lasted far longer anyway.

Finally she spoke up, still not looking at him. "… It's still a superior device."

"I didn't say it wasn't." Lincoln replied. "But maybe the world isn't ready for something like thi-"

It was at this moment that Clyde's voice interrupted the two siblings.

"Hey guys!?" The nerd stood besides a chair with something that looked suspiciously like Dad's pasta strainer that had gone missing last month attached via wires to metal box on top of the chair. "What's this?"

Lisa rolled her eyes and stepped out of Lincoln's grasp. "That is my prototype mass telepathic communication device." She hopped over to Clyde and pulled the 'not strainer' from his hands. "When completed it will allow the user to project and receive thoughts and memories from everyone within a 5000 metre radius, and hopefully far more than that in time. With sufficient development and the addition of a functional AI it will render the current internet obsolete upon-"

The Helmet suddenly sparked in her hands, causing her to yelp- then blush and pointedly replace the helmet upon the chair seat. "… Regardless, it is currently on hold until issues with the projection unit are resolved."

"What's wrong with it?" Clyde warily eyed the sparking helmet.

"Aside from the obvious discharge?" Lisa began walking back to where Lincoln had picked up her prototype wrench. "The last time I attempted to make of use of it, it created a Cognitohazard-"

Lincoln titled his head in visible confusion.

"… A dangerous effect on the minds of all involved." Lisa sighed. "Specifically, it convinced most of the city that the past hundred days had not happened- resulting in several incidents before the issue could be rectified."

"A few hundred days?" Something tugged at the back of Lincoln's mind, and he pointed the wrench at her in accusation. "Wait- is that why we got April Fools twice this year!"

Lisa shifted uncomfortable for a moment, before going all in. "… If I say no and offer a sufficient bribe will you promise not to report this to our parental units?"

Lincoln thought this over, weighing Lisa's proposal against the wellbeing of their family and the likelihood she would endanger it again without punishment to dissuade her- then he remembered that the new Ace Savvy movie was coming out next week!

"Deal!" He thrust his hand forward with a grin.

Lisa took it with her own and shook on it, "excellent, I always knew you were one of the more reasonable familial members Elder Brother Unit."

"I sure am!" Lincoln declared, then turned to look over at Clyde. "Hey Clyde, we've got tickets for next wee- what are you doing?"

Clyde was fiddling with the 'helmet', before suddenly putting it down upon being seen. "Uhh, nothing!"

Lisa rolled her eyes again. "Quite correct, nothing is exactly what you are achieving if you happen to be hoping to somehow use my device to induce affection from my Eldest Sister Unit via deliberate use of the Cognitohazardous effective of the device. The main emitter isn't even connected at the moment."

"Dang it…" Clyde sighed, and Lincoln rolled his own eyes at his friend's antics. The tool in his hand suddenly drew his attention though- the head shifting to a smaller shape as his arm drifted closer to the table.

"Hey Leese?" He pointed at the tool head, now shifting to a different shape- but not something that he recognised.

"Oh dang it," Lisa sighed, taking the tool herself, then waving it at the table once more. Sure enough the head shifted again, this time becoming something like a closed ring wrench- but with internal teeth that didn't look like they would fit *anything*. "It seems that the recognition protocol needs to be reworked again."

"What do you mean?" Lincoln looked through the ring, trying to guess what kind of nut it would fit to. "Is it sensing the nuts through the table or something?"

"Not quite," Lisa shook her head, and resigned herself to an explanation of her failure. "That table happens to be riveted together after an accident. The wrench however has an unfortunate habit of mistaking other fastening objects for nuts and attempting to morph to their shape despite having no suitable design within the provided database."

Lincoln furrowed his brows in thought for a moment, then grinned and snapped his fingers. "Hey Leese, are you saying that this thing can make all kinds of shapes?"

"Theoretically anything that does not exceed the volume of the living metal," Lisa raised an eyebrow. "However I fail to see how that is related to solving the recognition error."

"It's not!" Lincoln exclaimed and held out his hand, "let me hold it again"

Lisa raised an eyebrow, but handed the wrench to him handle first nonetheless.

He looked around the room and spotted visible screws in a wall panel, "just look around Leese; what do you see?"

"My Bunker Laboratory?" Lisa folded her arms.

"Yeah, and it's filled up with stuff that needs fixing! Stuff that Lana would need a full toolbox just to get started with- but..." Lincoln pointed the wrench at the screw, and the head attempted to form into a something wrenchlike to fit it. "Imagine if she only needed one. One tool that wasn't just any wrench, but could be anything she needed!"

Lisa's eyes widened as she grasped his proposal. "A true Omnitool! Sweet Darwin's beard, it's so obvious! It would only take a few days of programming the existing device- why didn't I think of it sooner?"

"I think you get pretty tunnel visioned sometimes." Lincoln scratched the back of his head. "But you're still- hey Leese?"

"I admit am prone to ignoring potential alternatives in my pursuit of- yes Elder Sibling Unit?"

"… Does the Mind Control Thingy's emitter just look like a really small satellite dish?"

Lisa rolled her eyes as her elder sibling unit's brief moment of brilliance vanished whence it came. "The Prototype Overmind Tower's -" she froze as an obvious implication occurred to her. "Yes. Yes it is, why are you asking me this?"

Lincoln wordlessly pointed behind her, and Lisa's eyes widened in horror as she spotted one Clyde McBride was sitting with her father's modified pasta strainer upon his head. The activated device sparked with the comically small dish emitter that she'd left in the open (assuming no one would be clever enough to 'put it together' as it were, the 'curse of being so far removed from common intelligence' as she would say) placed into the receiving slot atop the 'helmet' now rotating with increasing frequency. "Oh fiddlesticks."

"Uhh, Buddy…" Lincoln carefully approached the other boy, dread rising as he caught sight of the feverish ambition clear in his eyes. "What're you doing?"

"I'm sorry Lincoln." Clyde stared back at him with the kind of resolve only those truly ignorant of their chances have. "I don't know if this'll work, but for the sake of Ms Future McBride I have to try!"

"Dang it-" Lincoln cursed his friend's obsession. "Leese- the power, I'll get the mind control thing!"

Lisa darted over to the emergency stop button affixed to her Lab's power supply, while Lincoln jumped forward to try and grasp at the pasta strainer atop Clyde's head.

Neither got there in time.


A/N:

Thanks to Nuuo for a Beta-read for all of these, and special thanks to him for the initial suggestions that lead to Lincoln Gets Creative and Rita's Felonious Friends.

Special thanks also to Geo Soul for the idea of Day of McBride,; which will be continued in two more parts.

Side Note: Lincoln Gets Creative has no reflection of my own stance (of that of Nuuo) on this fandom or any other- any similarity to any writers past or present is purely because it's a gag based on some common stories I've heard- not a one-to-one recreation of said stories with Lincoln replacing the writer.

While this is probably the largest single upload I've made on this Collection, or any other story for that matter; it's only going stay up for a few days as is before the first four stories are dispersed to replace The Burger Hero Oneshots, while that story goes on to become its own thing since it's more of a series now than anything else. Most future chapters should well be below the 10,000 word mark regardless :P