Baby Boogaloo Omake: Best Sister
It was a long-held debate in the family.
It had been going on since before Lincoln had been born, a question of who their parents liked best. Later; when there were so many of them that their parents were a little less present for each it was an acknowledgement of the currency of sibling supremacy. Of who more who held the most sway over the pack.
And now, years later and when the Loud Siblings were well and truly adults (if only in bodies); the question had still had sway, if only for the petty egos of the siblings who had (for the most part) inadvertently became collective parents of the inbred next generation.
Who was the 'Best Sister'?
Honestly, though Lincoln didn't really care. He obviously was never a candidate and he loved of his sisters in their own despite the many times he'd considered embarking on movie-villain esque schemes to teach each of them a valuable lesson over their notorious behaviour.
But today, as the Loud women of his generation bickered over Lisa's incestuous antics upstairs- it somehow came up again in a new way;
"It was for the good of the Family Unit!"
"Lisa we're more literally inbred than the Hapsburgs." Lori facepalmed.
"Actually Charles the fifth of-"
"Stop. Talking." Luna snapped. "I'm seriously gonna smack ya so hard you'll start thinkin' straight if you don't SHUT IT."
Meanwhile the kids sat downstairs;
"Why shouting?" Loan whispered. "They angry?"
Lari listened to the vent, the shook her head. "No. Auntie Lisa doing stuff again."
"Okay then!" Loan felt better now. Auntie Lisa was crazy so she got yelled at a lot and that was normal.
"... SO YOU COULD BE FUCKIN' 'BEST SISTER'!?" Auntie Luna's voice got really loud.
"Who best sister?" Loan wondered. "I no know there best sister!"
"Duh!" Lari nodded, and totally wasn't pretending she'd always known. "Best sister is the goodest kid!"
"Oh!" Loan understood. "But what about boys?"
"Boys are gross; they're never goodest!" Lari affirmed.
"Yea! Boys gross!" Loan agreed. Boys were gross!
"- THAT WAS DECADES AGO!" Auntie Luna shouted again. "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE BLARNEY IS ANYMORE!"
"No matter," Auntie Lisa was being loud and snappy again. "I believe it will be a simple matter of locating Lincoln's childhood, since one was last seen in the location of the other-"
*WHAM* The house shook as the telltale ruckus of a Dust Cloud Brawl began.
"We staying over tonight?" Loan asked sadly.
"Yea. Mom always need night to heal after fight." Lari flumped down. "We still see Dad on phone though!"
Lincoln sitting next to them playing with his other kids.
"But, I'm here? Why do you need to use the phone-"
a memory of the girls gleeful over talking to one Bobby Santiago-Loud through a tablet swam before his mind's eye. "Oh, right."
"LINKA BEST SISTER!" The rest of the family hears as the sounds of fighting soon stop and a roar of laughter replaces it.
"Who's Linka? Another sister! Auntie Lily make baby again!"
Lincoln just tries ignoring his two children as his face turns red from past memories.
"Figures the one thing that brings them together is taking the pis-." Lincoln cut his muttered swear short upon remembering the two small children beside him. "PEAS out of me." He nodded to himself in satisfaction for his save
"Take peas out yu?" Loan looked up at him in confusion. "That like take piss out yu?"
Lincoln looked down in shock. "What was that Loan?"
"Piss out yu." Loan repeated, getting a bit red faced. "Auntie Luna say sometimes."
Of course it would be Luna teaching the kids bad words.
Her or Lynn anyway.
Or Lana.
Or- actually nevermind. Most of them would probably get a giggle from it at some point. "Okay that's-"
"LILY!" Rita Loud's voice cut through the house again. "YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT AGAIN!" There was a second of silence, then Rita quickly added. "OR AT LEAST IT HAD BETTER NOT BE LINCOLN'S!"
"SHE'S NOT!" Lori shouted back. "RIGHT LISA?" There was a growl to her voice.
"... THE YOUNGER SISTER UNIT IS NOT CURRENTLY PREGNANT."
"Auntie Lily no make more sister." Lari assessed.
"Okay..." Loan seemed a bit put out. "Maybe Mama make more?"
Lincoln meanwhile nodded in relief, then his eyes peeled open again; "wait- currently?"
But whatever line of thinking Lincoln might have followed vanished as a small army of shoe'd feet suddenly marched down the stairs. Before long, their owners stood before Lincoln on the family couch, their arms laden with a suspicious collection of makeup and feminine clothes.
All of which was overshadowed by the grins they wore.
"… Guys." Lincoln eyed them with all the suspicion he felt. "What're you doing?"
"Oh, nothing much…" Lola smirked as Lynn and Lana suddenly grabbed both of his wrists, and pulled him up with a yelp. "We're just going to see if 'Linka' really is 'Best Sister' or not!"
"I already told you guys," Lincoln bemoaned as the final the touches were added. "Linka was only 'Best Sister' in her own reality-"
A sudden snickering went around the room and Lola sighed and tittered; "oh Linky-Linka, we already knew you lived in your own little world- but there's no need to be so, heh heh… modest."
Lincoln flushed under his makeup, which was quite impressive given the sheer amount that had been applied. The man now stood adorned with a full white-blonde wig with orange ribbons to hold the locks in place. His face was carefully brushed with all the expertise Lola and Lori could bring to the table, resulting a seamless skin tone devoid of flaws. A surprisingly well-fitting orange eyeshadow helped accentuate his blue eyes framed with extended eyelashes- and his lips frowned under ruby red lipstick.
Combined with the Sundress, it would have made any young woman seem absolutely ravishing.
But for a fully grown and reasonably muscular man?
"Aww, don't look so sad…" Lori smugly purred in a manner that triggered memories of him being eleven and living under the oppressive heel of a hormonal seventeen-year-old. "How many times did you 'dress up' as a kid? It's better than that time you tried to get Dad to take you on 'bring your daughter to work day' anyway!"
"I was eleven," Lincoln glared at the tittering woman. "I hadn't even hit puberty yet- "
"Well, you sure have now!" Lana whistled, "dang it if you aren't the prettiest femboy I've ever seen!"
"You totes never should've stopped modelling for me Linky…" Leni pouted. "You're gorgeous."
"Yea!" A high-pitched voice drew his attention to the two children who had accompanied him upstairs, now both sitting on a single chair. The man, tired as he had been taking care of multiple children had put up too little of a fight to even protect his own dignity- making sure Lari and Loan stayed put was out of the question. "Dad pretty!"
Lari's eyes twinkled with unabashed adoration and Loan seemed to be enjoying the view as well.
Lincoln couldn't bring himself to hate his daughter's innocent glee, so he stuffed down his wounded pride and gave as sincere a smile as he could. "Thanks kids."
"You wear dress for Wedding!" Lari gasped. "Be prettiest there!"
Lincoln's smile grew stiffer.
"Yeah Linc, even Lola's gonna need to step up her game!" Luna snorted.
"It's true," the aforementioned model sighed. "I'll be haunted forevermore by my greatest work…"
"The Fate of all great artists," Lucy 'consoled' her younger sister with a hand on her shoulder.
The ribbing would have undoubtably continued for a good long while, but Lari helpfully interjected with her own thoughts.
"Can Dad wear Dress when we married?" Lari stuck up her hand like she was in class with Lisa. "I can wear Suit!"
The room fell silent.
Lari kept her hand up, smiling obliviously even as her sister picked up on the atmosphere and quietly inched a little away from her twin.
"Sure." Lily chirped, "I bet you'll be the most handso- "
"I'm literally nipping this in the bud," Lori stepped in and pointedly picked up both of her girls. "Lari, Loan, we've talked about this before so now we're going to the other room where you're going to sit and think about why trying to marry Daddy, either Daddy isn't appropriate until I come back."
Lari's jaw dropped in disappointment, "but- "
Lori ignored her and turned her head to the rest of the room. "I'll be back in a moment- don't let him escape."
Lynn stepped in front of the rapidly closing door to what had once been Lori's room. "Got it."
"Aww, don't you guys think you're being a little tough on her?" Lily shook her head. "She's not even two- "
"No, we're not takin' chances. Not after how you turned out Lils." Luna shuddered.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily put her hands on her hips.
"You had three kids with your brother before finishing high school 'cause you wanted to," Luna bluntly replied. "Sure, we did somethin' similar but that was an accident and we got our lives started proper first. Things might'a worked out for you in the end but that's sure as hell not winning."
"Oh, come on guys!" Lily looked around the room for support, then huffed as she found none save Lisa- who would be as ignored on the matter as she was. "Whatever, it's your loss for being old fashioned."
"And we'll be happy staying that way," Lori calmly accepted Lily's 'burn' as she stepped back through the door. "Now, how's 'Linka'?"
Lincoln glared at her under his makeup, having remained sourly silent while he scanned the old room for a way to escape. He had found nothing, of course. "Oh, just peachy."
"We're so glad you appreciate our hard work," Lori smiled, then nodded to Leni. The younger woman instantly closed the curtains, and a shuffle of sorts took place while Lincoln's eyes adjusted to the darkness.
Suddenly a stage light activated, causing Lincoln to jump with surprise as Lori was illuminated, now standing before wooden podium and before an aged and stained projection screen.
"Wha-where-how?" Lincoln nearly gave himself whiplash as he looked from corner to corner. Somehow the sisters had cleared the room of all cribs, tables and assorted detritus in favour of two rows of chairs that they now sat in, as well as the aforementioned podium, stage light and screen in under five seconds.
"Hello and welcome all to the annual Best Sister Selection!" Lori declared, her voice suddenly booming. "Now, I know that it's been a while since everyone could be here, but I'm happy to announce that not only do we have a full house today; we have a new sister to assess!"
The sole boy of their generation yelped as he was blinded by another stage light shining down on him.
"Let's all give a warm welcome to Linka Loud everyone!"
A round of clapping rang out intermixed with fresh snickers.
"Why are you like this?" Lincoln groaned as his eyes adjusted, he barely spied Luan and Luna crouching behind their stage lights by the glint their toothy smiles gave off.
"Because we have a question," Lori replied from behind him. "One that's been on our minds since before Mom forgot her pill with you; who is the very Best Sister of all of us?"
Immediately a cacophony of sisters burst forth, each offering their own points as why they were the very best. There was not a hint of maturity to be found between the supposedly adult women. It was like he'd been teleported back in time to when they had all still lived in this very house and spent their days switching from engaging nigh-murderous schemes to crush each other over a quarter, to something resembling a loving and stable family, and then back again in and instant.
"ORDER!" Lori rapidly smacked her shoe against the podium, "Order I said! Girls; we've been over this before. We do our presentations- "
"Presentations?" Lincoln looked around, and sure enough each sister had somehow produced bundles of stuff that sat in their laps or under their chairs (in the case of Lana, Luna and Lori). "You do presentations on thi- "
"Quiet in the front row!" Lori pointed at him with her shoe, and Lincoln (more dumbfounded than anything else) complied. "Now, normally we would go in order of age. But today we have a very special guest, so Linka?"
"… Yes?" Dread pooled in his stomach.
"Come up here and get ready, you get to be first!" Lori's smile grew wider, "come on up Linka!"
"Lin-ka! Lin-ka! Lin-ka!" The room started chanting, and Lincoln wilted under peer pressure. Glowing red under his makeup, the shamefaced man shuffled to the front. Dragging out the short walk for as long as possible before Lori's hand suddenly grabbed him by the bicep and pulled him into position before the blinding spotlight.
"Well, aren't you just adorable," Lori 'gushed' as Lincoln blinked away his dazzlement, before she looked back at the room. "All right Linka, what makes you 'Best Sister'?"
"Apparently; having a penis." He snapped back.
A snicker went around the room, but Lori took his sass in good stride. "Okay, a good start with an alleged fact- "
"Alleged- I have thir-fourty- I don't even know anymore how many children I have!" Lincoln spluttered. "I have to keep a chart in my room-"
Lori and the girls of course, promptly ignored him. "Oh dear, it looks like Linka didn't get a chance to make a presentation. Looks like we're going to have to help her, any volunteers!?"
She looked out to the audience while Lincoln fumed and started pointing at hands as they went up, "you there- in the back!"
"Lori, that's half of us." Lynn rolled her eyes.
"Alright, Leni it is!" Lori decided with all the arbitrary nepotism that had defined her rule as the Queen of No.
"Yay!" Leni squealed, then marched up to the stage with a smile. "Okay girls, Linka has this like totally cute…."
Across the years, Lincoln had been subject to many humiliations at his sisters' hands. After a while he'd learnt to tune them out, and go into an almost trance like state where their nonsense could not breach the sanctity of his mind.
It wasn't quite deep enough for anyone to take advantage like a certain someone had, but it was enough to give him some peace, so that's what he did now.
He discretely focussed on the peripherals of his vision, and let his attention wane into nothing even as the crowd babbled on, their words only occasionally breaking through his long practised conscious absence.
"… she's got some great ass-ets…"
"… wasting her voice though…"
"Look at these guns!" He was almost pulled out of his state when Lynn jerked his arm am and smacked his bicep. "I made these guns!"
Lincoln rolled his eyes while the rest of the room groaned, and then sank back under.
"… Great for getting down and dirty!"
"… These legs are just divine… should have gone into modelling instead…"
It all washed over him, until finally…
"Linka, Linka!" Lori snapped her fingers in front of him, "you didn't doze off, did you? Because that would be so rude it would literally disqualify you."
Lincoln immediately opened his mouth to confirm that indeed, he was as 'rude' as could be.
"-And we'll have to penalise you."
Lincoln bother waiting to find out what penalty they had in mind that could top this, "sure, I heard everything."
"Great," she purred. "Any closing words before we let you go?"
He stared forwards to see the shrouded audience, feeling almost nude in the sundress and projected all the frustration that he could into two words;
"Grow. Up."
"No," Lori retorted on all the sisters' behalf. "All right Linka you can your seat now, and let's see who's next. Oh right, we literally go in order of age…"
Lincoln ignored her as he tramped to a free seat next to Lily, who giggled girlishly as he approached.
"You'll always be Best Sister to me Linky," she whispered, and oddly enough; he felt like she meant it.
He almost glared at her, but whatever perverse side to her might have been revealed in the past few years, whatever she might have done to him- on some level for him she would always be that baby babbling out nonsense and innocently drawing pictures to make him smile.
Also scheming horrific pranks on par with Luan that one time and proceeding to get worse from there.
But aside from that, she was the baby of the bunch and he couldn't help but reluctantly accept her sincere- if poorly considered compliment with a sigh.
"As you all know…" Lori began her presentation, and a projector from somewhere switched on to reveal Lori's prepared slides behind her. "I am the oldest, and in the role as leader of…"
Lincoln rolled his eyes as the familiar self-aggrandisement Lori Loud began to wash over him, and having had his share of her petty egotism, promptly went back into ignoring everything around him.
Unlike before, he could block out almost everything since he wasn't being called on to participate- so it was only far, far later that he was finally roused from his 'slumber'.
"Hey," Lily whispered to him. "Lisa's coming on!"
"Wai-wha?" Lincoln muttered back as his senses returned to him.
"Yeah, Lisa!" Lily excitedly whispered. "We almost never get this far!"
"Never get this far?" Lincoln shot her a confused look, "what, can someone win before you all go up?"
Lily shook her head, and pointed up to the 'stage', "just watch and you'll find out- Lisa's are always the best!"
Lincoln raised an eyebrow, but turned his attention to the stage nonetheless.
There, one Lisa Loud stood with her back straight and radiating a smug confidence. She raised a clicker (that knowing her also had all manner of insanity built into it) and began;
"Greetings assorted Sibling Units. I am pleased to once again accept the Best Sister- "
"We haven't vote yet Leese!" Luna called out from the back, and the audience issued agreeing murmurs. "And you've never actually won before!"
"Technicalities," Lisa dismissed, and activated her clicker. Instantly the projection screen shifted to show a number of her inventions and a series of flashing dollar signs. "As you all well know, despite the many achievements of our collective efforts, none have come close to matching the sheer magnitude of my own- "
Assorted grumblings rang out across the room.
"- In terms of functional benefit to humanity or to our household wallet," Lisa ignored the room.
"HEY!" Luna, however, felt the need to interject. "You aren't the only rich girl here Brainbox!"
"Yeah," Lola growled. "And some of us don't get in a lawsuit every other month for giving fish three eyes!"
"My resources so eclipse either of yours that it would be comparing Ceres to Rigel A," Lisa dismissed. "And my contribution to the genetic diversity of that particular region has already been well noted."
"Yeah well, we wouldn't need a 'household wallet' if we didn't need a permanent daycare for the hundreds of inbred kids we have now!" Lola snapped back, then her voice turn sickly sweet. "Be a dear and remind me whose fault that was again?"
If Lola's tone effected Lisa, she showed no signs of it. Instead, The Scientist simply pressed her clicker again and moved onto the next slide, which revealed the latest 'family photo' with all the current members.
It was a big photo.
"On the note of personal achievement and improvements," Lisa indicated the photo, in which Lincoln was barely visible under a small mountain of toddlers and infants. "I would like to present the current state of the family, and the multi-fold increase that I am directly responsible for."
The constant mutterings and murmurs in the background suddenly ceased.
"Ha!" Luan suddenly laughed. "And I thought I was the comedian! Ha! ha!"
Lisa remained stoic.
"Ha… ha?" Luan tiled her head, then paled. "Oh God she's serious."
"Of course," Lisa confirmed, before clicking through various pictures of the girls interacting with their direct offspring with the help of their partners (when they had them). "It is undeniable in terms of actual number of members, and in substantial social cohesion that the Family Unit has vastly improved from the looser arrangement it had formed into as per the previous decade.
Additionally, the unique circumstances that resulted in the production of the new units- "
"You knocked us up with Lincoln's jizz," Lola growled.
"- Has fostered a necessary co-operation between the previously established units that has reinvigorated the existing bonds between said units that had somewhat degraded with the maturation of said units and the resulting establishment of separate living spaces and professional and personal lives." Lisa clicked through more slides, this time presenting images of the sisters' various individual homes and workplaces.
There were a few slides of family get-togethers from the previous years, but notably none of said thanksgivings or Christmases were a full 'Loud House' as they'd known it, with ever more sisters (or Lincoln) being absent from the events.
"As you can see however…" more slides, this time featuring the family again together, first for the births of the next generation; then working as a unit to help raise the nigh unending wave of newborns. "By fact of necessity, and after substantial support from myself of course- "
"Because you fuckin' had to or you'd have no test subjects." Luna retorted.
"-The Familial Unit has been revived to a state that surpasses its previous extent." Lisa nodded smugly to herself. "Social cohesion has been restored and a generation of sociological subjects for long term examination under controlled circumstances has been established under the care of the pre-existing units. Even those Units themselves have experienced substantial life-improvements as a result of this intervention- "
"Oh Bull. Shit." Lola snapped out, with new murmurs of doubts and agreement surging forth. "I nearly had my perfect tummy ruined by twin's worth of stretch marks in the peak of my career!"
Lincoln very nearly chimed in about his own lost relationship with Ronnie, and the vanished momentum he'd finally built up in his own 'career'. Then he closed his mouth when he remembered that they'd literally put him in a dress to mess with him, so their attention probably wasn't a good thing.
"Which was avoided by further interventions my myself," Lisa calmly countered. "I would also point out that if you and the room as a whole were to consider the pros and cons of parenthood, you would find that the vast majority of said cons have been nullified while leaving the advantages firmly intact."
The room quietened down a bit, but there were still rumblings of opposition.
"I am also directly responsible for the orgasmic births that the majority of you experienced." Lisa followed up.
The opposition vanished.
"Wow, really guys?" Lincoln rolled his eyes.
"Dude, my brain nearly melted out my ears it was so good." Lynn shook her head from behind him, "I nearly went in for seconds."
"I know." Lincoln's eye twitched at the memory, "I can't forget."
"Yeah, good times…" Lynn sighed. "Maybe I'll go get some from Francisco to fork out the family tree a bit next time thou-
"I would also like to present evidence of my claims," Lisa interjected, and clicked again to reveal pictures of Luna with Sam, and their offspring. "While most of you have changed your behaviour for the better as result of your new responsibilities, Luna and her partner are the most prominent examples. With a seventy-percent reduction in use of psychoactive substances and a notable improvement in healthy living habits correlated to the birt-"
"LISA!" Luna snapped out. "Are you fucking spying on me and Sam!?"
"… There was some minor surveillance involved in my research, yes." Lisa's admitted. "However, I would- "
There was a sudden crash as one of the spotlights fell, Luna having thrown it aside to bum rush Lisa.
"WE TOLD YOU TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT!"
"Oh boy, it's starting!" Lily gleefully whispered to Lincoln as Luna blew past them.
"What, does Luna get in a fight with Lisa every time?" Lincoln watched as Luna attempted to turn her over her knee for a spanking, only to get her nose cracked by the outraged scientist's elbow.
"Not just Luna," Lynn spoke up again, calmly getting up off her chair as multiple other members of the crowd started pushing and shoving. "We all get in on this."
And like that, she pushed past him to tackle Lori as she tried to break up Luna and Lisa.
Within seconds three other sisters joined them.
Then four.
Then eight.
Then it was a proper Classic Dust Cloud Brawl™, sans only Lincoln and Lily, who was enjoying the show.
"This happens every time," Lincoln looked on, aghast.
"Yep," Lily stood up now. "We never actually get to deciding who is really Best Sister, it's really all about showing off to everyone, riling everyone up and getting to throw down like we used to." She leant down to him with a whisper. "I've never even gotten to do my presentation because Lynn or Lola say something in their part that sets everyone off, Linka really brought us all together!"
"Thanks," Lincoln rolled his eyes. "I guess we're back on full-time duty for the next few days while they heal up… then...
Lily, why are you going near them?"
Lily looked back to him only for a second, "sorry Linky, but this is tradi- EEEP!"
A long arm suddenly existed the dust cloud and grabbed her little turkey tail, before dragging her bodily into the depths where no trace of her purple and black clothes, or blonde hair could be seen.
Lincoln stared at the mess, debating for a moment if he dared to try and break it and then promptly pushing that suggestion into the 'stupid stuff I already tried'.
Resigning himself to being the main adult in the house until his own parents could deal with the alleged ones trying to beat each other into jam, he reluctantly got up and moved to the door, intending to Lock it before The Brawl left the room. But his own parental instincts kicked in as something about how long a certain set of twins had been unaccompanied occurred to him.
Instead, he calmly walked over to a nearby wall and suddenly popped off the vent cover.
"Having fun, you two?" He dryly asked the two blonde toddlers.
"Yea!" Lari grinned from inside the vent, "Moms winning!"
Loan tried to hide behind Lari without a word, but her blue eyes still pocked out to show she was still watching the throwdown with an unnerving intensity.
"Really?" He looked back with apathy as The Brawl shifted back and forth. "How can you tell?"
"The yellow hairs are outside, so the brown hairs inside!" Lari declared, "Mom is yellow, so that mean she winning!"
Lincoln looked back, and indeed at the moment there were more Blonde visible heads than brown. Not that it really proved anything, but he didn't feel like trying to explain that to a toddler are all he'd been through today. "… Sure thing. But you know who isn't?"
"… The Brown hairs?" Lari titled her head, then yelped as Lincoln's well-practiced hands suddenly surged forwards to grasp both her and her sister and pull them both under his arms.
"You, because you're meant to be sitting down and thinking about something aren't you?" He reprimanded the squirming children.
"No, we already did that!" Lari protested. "Naughty corner boring."
"Yes, it is, and Lori said you had to stay there until she came back." Lincoln calmly countered as he walked to the door.
Lari tried to wriggle out, then huffed and flopped in his grip. "Mom get to beat up Aunties and not go in naughty corner."
"Yes, and look how she turned out." Lincoln calmly countered. "Do you want to end up like Lori?"
Lari looked at Mommy.
Mommy's eyes were all swollen now and she was trying to bite Aunt Luan's boob off.
"Yea, she having fun!" She said happily as her father carefully opened the door, shuffled through, then locked it. "Aww… want to see more."
"No, not while she's being a bad influence." Lincoln shook his head, "going to have to tell Bobby and the rest to send backup…."
Lincoln quickly lost himself in a world of parental logistics as he marched downstairs, losing focus on anything but that and avoiding a tumble with the toddlers.
The twins he bore however still looked at each other with new thoughts brimming in their eyes.
"Lari?" Loan had an amazing idea suddenly come into her head, something so interesting she had to say it.
"Yea?" Lari looked at Loan past her Dad's orange shirt.
"Who you think is our Best Sister?"
