Louise stepped out of the way as arrows came flying. Kirche was less quick to react, shrieking as she stumbled into a nearby wall. "Wha- you didn't say there would be booby traps!"

Louise scratched the skin around her eyepatch. "I said it was dangerous. What did you think I meant?"

"That it would be run down or something. Not that it would actively try to kill me!"

"I didn't lose an eye because I tripped and fell, Zerbst."

Kirche breathed in and out slowly. "I… see. I suppose I'll just have to be more careful, then."

"Careful isn't good enough," Louise said, leading them into a nearby kitchen. "This place wants you dead."

"It's just a castle," Kirche scoffed.

"Oh-ho. Another guest of the false master," said a voice from the walls. "Are you here to try and force me to serve as well?"

"It… speaks?"

"Shhh!" Louise's knees bent, and she swept her eyes back and forth, looking for anything out of place. Suddenly, a dozen knives came hurtling towards them. Thankfully, Louise had the solution for that. "Fireball!"

Kirche threw herself down as the knives exploded in midair. "Are you trying to kill me?!"

"No, but my familiar is!"

"Ho ho ho! Right you are. Charlatans, the lot of you. Think you can control me?! You do not even pretend to be my true inheritor, and yet you think I will bow to your will? You aren't even Sparks! I'll turn you to mincemeat!" Spatulas and forks spiraled around the room. As the two mages did their best to avoid harm, a blood-covered cheese grater passed by Kirche's arm and took out a small chunk.

"Okay! I give! Let's go!" Kirche shouted. They turned tail and fled the maniacal laughter of the castle itself.


"So, what'd you think?"

"I'm never going treasure-hunting again," Kirche replied.

"Doubtful," Tabitha muttered.

Louise shrugged. "I'm making progress."

"Louise. Your familiar is a living castle that wants to kill you."

"I haven't lost anything since my eye. I've been finding all the ways to avoid the traps, and I know which parts of the castle are psychopathic and which are merely hateful."

Kirche turned to Tabitha. "Merely, she says."

Louise continued as if she hadn't heard. "It's only a matter of time before I take control of the entire thing."

"And then what?" Kirche asked. "Your familiar is a castle that's larger than the school. You can't move it, and I doubt you'll be allowed to keep land for yourself so close to the school. The other nobles would never allow it. Decades of work undoing all the traps, fixing its multiple-personality issues, and cleaning out all the blood and tears… What do you get out of it?"

"The satisfaction of putting my familiar in its place. I won't give in now, otherwise I'll have lost my eye for nothing. No stupid building is going to beat me."

"Sunk cost fallacy," Tabitha said apathetically.

"Whatever," Louise said dismissively, walking back towards her familiar.


"Louise?! Where have you been?!" Kirche screeched. "We haven't seen you in weeks!"

Louise was covered in filth. Her clothes were torn; half her hair was cut short. And yet, she wore a manic smile. "I'm winning. I'm so close, Zerbst. I've delved so deeply into the workings. The actuators connecting to the pistons connecting to the inductors that power the semi-alkaline constituents of the prime zeta nodes…" she babbled.

"…What?" Kirche asked, reluctantly.

"SCIENCE!" Louise screamed, bubbling laughter leaking from her mouth. "And when it's done… I'll show you all! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!"

Kirche and Tabitha exchanged glances. "So she's snapped. What do we do?"

"Healer?"

Kirche examined her sort-of-friend-rival-person. Louise cackled endlessly at the sky. "I'm not sure they can fix whatever that is."

"Stop her."

"Wait, wh- Louise! Come back!"

Louise ignored her and ran inside her castle again. And it would be hers, eventually. For now, there was SCIENCE to be done!


A/N: Louise summons Castle Heterodyne, from Girl Genius. An enormous castle/complex filled with death traps. It used to be under the control of an AI, but after the destruction of some rather important areas, the AI split into dozens of insane, murderous personalities with their own control over certain areas.

There are really only two options here: Either the thing kills poor, stubborn Louise, or it drives her to a point of insanity equal to or greater than that of the mad scientists who built the place to begin with. Upon which she takes over everything, turns all the other students and teachers into minions, and conquers Halkegenia in a bloody war. She then rules with an iron fist until the Windstone Catastrophe kills everyone. Or she fixes it with SCIENCE. I give it a fifty-fifty shot.